Chapter 12

Loss of Control

The phone rung…and rung…and rung. And Ellie lay there…and lay there…and lay there some more, not wanting to speak to anyone. Not Ashley, not her Mom, not Marco, not Jimmy, and especially not Craig.

Ellie'd had a horrible day Monday, rounding up all of the looks and stares she'd received and adding them to the fact that Craig hadn't called her once. Plus, Emma talking to her about Sean which wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't caused her to relive that horrible day in her mind. The day when Sean had said that phrase that was now a overly recognized form of destruction to Ellie's very existence; "I love you too, but..."

Ellie had heard this from almost every male that had ever been important to her... Her first serious crush-and if you wanna count it, boyfriend-Marco when they'd had discussions about his being gay, Her father when he was shipping off to go to war again, leaving her to take care of her drunken mother and be alone and afraid of the world. From Sean, who had, after all, been her first real boyfriend, and now she'd be hearing it from Craig for sure, she thought. This wasn't a chance she was willing to take.

So, when she'd flopped into her bed with a sigh of relief, the previous day she hadn't budged since and now she was staring at the clock which read 9:08, taunting her and reminding her to go to school.

Ellie told herself as she lay there crying over and over, that Craig wasn't worth it...not the tears...and definitely not...that. Ellie thought, as she glanced over at the bottom drawer of her Oakwood dresser.

In the drawer was Ellie's CD case...in the Cd case was...

Ellie had promised herself, and her therapist, that she'd throw them away. She hadn't used them for months now and she'd thought she had this beat, she really did. She'd had school, student welfare, her friends Marco, Jimmy, Ashley during the summer, and...Craig.

Ellie had been happy for the first time in a long time; she'd been in control. But now, laying here crying, Ellie realized that she was right back to square one. Ashley was gone, Jimmy was busy...at least, she hadn't talked to him in forever, Marco was too busy with his boyfriend to have too much time for her. Craig? Well, he'd pretty much been her stronghold. As out of reach as he was, he'd still been one of her main sources of strength. Through his own instability Craig had unknowingly given Ellie an out; someone else's problem to deal with equaled not having to deal with her own, some of which had to do with him. Even though they weren't dating, in their relationship Ellie was most definitely the one in control; or so she'd thought. But now, Ellie realized that Craig had slowly drug that control away from her and now she needed it back.

Even as she thought n, gasping painfully at the very thought entering her mind, Ellie could practically feel her hands reaching in the drawer, opening the case, and smoothing over the razors; the razor gliding sadistically across her skin…

Scene Change: Degrassi High Hallway

"Manny!" Emma said as she caught up to her best friend who had bounded up the steps and was now marching rapidly toward her class. Manny stopped turning and staring at Emma. "Manny? I need-to talk-to you." Emma said, putting her hand on her friend's shoulder as she did and catching her breath.

Odd as it was that Emma and Manny could both leave out the same house and Emma couldn't have spoken to her by the time they reached school, it wasn't impossible.

And this is how it had happened…

After everything with Peter, Manny had gone downstairs and crawled into bed, eventually crying herself to sleep. Emma and her mother had gotten home shortly after and Emma had been tired that when she saw that Manny was sleet she simply slid down into her bed, falling asleep herself.

Manny woke up pretty early the next morning and glancing over seeing Emma and remembering the night, she'd gotten up, quietly gotten dressed, and went upstairs for breakfast. By the time Emma had come upstairs for breakfast, Manny had already left, purposely having taken off so as to avoid Emma.

Now, Emma stood facing her friend and saying calmly "Manny? I've been trying to talk to you all morning. Why are you acting so weird?" Manny just shrugged "Oh, uh, sorry Em, I guess I'm just tired." Manny said, refusing to look into Emma's eyes.

Emma noted this, but just said "Oh yeah, I'm sorry Manny. I forgot, how was the dance?" "Huh?" Manny said having completely forgotten the dance herself but hiding this, said "Oh, It was good...it was…dancy." "Really?" Emma said with a smile, "Did you get drunk?" "No!" Manny said slightly offended and slightly faking offense. "It was just a joke Manny, but then again, nothing you ever do surprises me..." Emma said with a laugh. Manny just smiled uneasily.

Emma voice took on a very serious tone as she said "Ok, but Manny? I wanted to talk to you." Manny waited for her friend to speak and Emma did saying after she'd taken a deep breath, "Manny? I know I haven't been a very good friend lately, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." "Emma, you don't have to..." "No, Manny; just listen. I know that I have been totally off and a total bitch for these past few mths and I just want you to know that I am trying to do better. I wanted to know if you'll forgive me...you've been there for me through everything Manny. Sean…Snake's cancer, Chris…Rick and now, even though you don't really like him, even Peter.

Not to mention the fact that you helped me through the shooting, anorexia, and the…Jay incident and even I haven't been showing it too much, I need you to know that I really appreciate it."

Manny felt so bad. not only had she ruined her relationship with Craig-although to her credit, she hadn't known they'd still had one-now, she realized she'd made out with Emma's ex of only a few day. Even though she didn't know whether or not Emma would care-though knowing Emma, she should have known, she would-Manny still felt bad about having kissed him out of jealously and she wished like anything that Emma was still being an insensitive bitch as opposed to standing here, calling her a good friend.

"Emma, you really don't have to-" "Forgive me?" Emma said squeezing Manny's hand hopefully and Manny hung her head a little, but finally nodded "Ok,"

Just then as if on hateful, spiteful, fateful que, Peter walked by. "Peter!" Emma called as he zipped by not stopping. Having had such amazing success with all of her other apologies, she'd had a surge of renewed confidence and she walked after Peter, before stepping in front of him, forcing him to stop. "Look, I wanted to talk to-" "You don't have to talk to me, Emma." Peter said, rolling his eyes as he tried to step past her. "Yes, I do." Emma said grabbing his arm "I just have to tell-"

Just then, Liberty Van Zandt walked up to the pair, staring determinedly at Peter. "Hello, Peter," she said hatefully and then nodded at Emma, acknowledging her "Emma." Then she focused back in on Peter

"Peter? You were on the dance committee, but you weren't at the dance. You were in charge of helping out…at the dance. I'm not sure how they did it at your old school but, here? When your on the dance committee to help? You actually come to the dance and help..." "Screw the dance committee!" Peter said, angrily "Such language." Liberty said shaking her head "It'll never do Peter, I'm afraid that your off the committee." Peter shrugged, "Fine by me," he said carelessly, "I was only on it because of...her." and as he said this he looked at Emma.

Liberty turned towards Emma now "Whatever Stone. Just don't show up at the next meeting. But that reminds me, Emma? Everything was impeccable! This years dance was the best! And I owe a large part of that to you. So all's forgiven as far as not coming, or at least sending word that you weren't coming. And, I just have to say; keep up the good work!" Emma was of course baffled at this statement; wondered why Manny hadn't given Liberty her list and told her. Emma was about to say this when Liberty turned towards Manny. "And Manny? your decorations were outstanding! Even though you couldn't be there? Your presence was felt, great job!." Emma stared at Manny in confusion, Peter glared at Emma, and Manny stared off ahead of her, her heart pounding, trying to figure out what to say as Liberty turned and walked away, unknowingly leaving destruction in her wake…

Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment

Ellie sat there breathing; hard; the blood dripping slowing from her arm and the phone still ringing. She was kneeling on the floor of her bedroom and she lifted up on her knees to look at the caller id. Just as she'd thought it was, Craig. Ellie knelt back down, a crazed look in her eyes as tears spilled down her face, but she steadied her hand with the razor. Not now Manning, I'm in control this time, and slid it across her skin, tears spilling into the blood that seeped from the cut.

All at once, Ellie had that weird tingling sensation that someone was watching her and although she tried convincing herself she was just imagining things, she still turned towards her opened bedroom door to be sure. And she saw him standing there, watching her, with a look of horror and disgust, in his eyes.

Scene Change: Degrassi High Hallway

"Manny? I'm not getting it. Why did you lie to me about going to the dance?" Emma said with restrained frustration.

The first time Emma had asked it was just a question, a thought, she wondered why Manny would lie about something so trivial. But now, the fourth time she'd asked and received no answer, Emma began to worry that it was something else and asked pleadingly. Manny just looked as though she would break down crying and began saying "Em, Em, I-" Then, Peter stepped up beside her saying as he squeezed her shoulders "You ditched us to go and hang out with your boyfriend, so we hung out…together." The creepy way Peter said "together" made Emma's skin crawl and slowly she put the pieces together.

Manny wasn't at the dance, Peter wasn't at the dance, Manny was crying and Peter seemed to think that all of this would somehow hurt Emma. "You guys…hooked up?" Emma said slowly not choosing to believe the words even though she spoke them. Manny just shook her head "Emma? It wasn't like that…" "At first," Peter said, stepping towards Emma and staring into her eyes with a menacing look. "But what can I say? I needed comfort; Manny needed comfort. We were there for each other." Emma just stared at Manny, who pushed Peter away from her saying "Em, That's not what happened. We just…I ju-"

Emma couldn't really hear Manny, a sense of pain and fear was overwhelming her. Pain, because of Manny…sleeping with Peter?...Lying to her…? She wasn't really sure why since Peter was no longer her boyfriend and she shouldn't have cared. Fear, because Emma could slowly feel herself boiling with anger, a rage that she wasn't sure how to deal with; and wasn't even sure why she was feeling it.

In reality, Emma resented Manny very heavily for what happened to her with Jay. Although, it may seem strange, the reason that Emma resented Manny because of this was because while Manny seemed to use sex as a tool of control, being empowered by it, using it to her advantage, sex, even though it had only been "oral", was one of the things that had reduced Emma to the utter state of confusion and self-denial that she was so constantly reeling in now. And every time Manny slept with another guy, used sex in another controlling way, Emma always remembered how much control she didn't have, and it made her feel small and desperate.

Now, after having spent her entire night hoping that things were getting better, knowing that everything would go well with Sean, forgetting all about Jay? Now, Emma was reminded of this once again, only now, she couldn't take it anymore.

"You "just" what, Manny?" She snapped zoning into what she'd last heard Manny saying "You just got drunk? You just slept with a guy, for absolutely no reason?" Emma paused and she stated the last words with an icy hatred "Or is it just that you're a slut Manny? Cuz, I'm pretty sure, that's what it is."

Manny glared at Emma with anger spilling over into her sadness. Why had she even cared if Emma knew she'd kissed Peter? She wasn't sure why, but it didn't matter now. Emma had once again taken it too far. She'd called Manny a slut, a name that Manny had first heard from Emma, three years ago in this very hallway, and so many times after that. But it had always hurt her that Emma, her best friend, had been the first to call her that. And now, as she heard that word again, she stepped up to Emma, readying herself with words that she knew would cause Emma as much pain as Emma was obviously trying to cause her.

"Emma? Look! Peter is lying, alright? We didn't have sex, and I don't like him." Manny said stepping towards Emma's face and staring her in her brown eyes, "But, if I had slept with him, I still wouldn't be a slut." And Manny stepped a little closer to Emma almost nose to nose with her. "Which is more than I can say for you; you self-righteous, high and mighty, Gonorrhea-getting, bitch!"

And of course this was it for Emma.

She shoved Manny to the ground and glared down at her angrily. Peter stepped up to her "Emma! Don't! I was-" But somehow, Emma's hand had tightened into a fist, and she turned clocking Peter in the jaw and knocking him clear off his un-expecting feet. "Stay out of this, Peter!" She growled down at him angrily.

Manny's eyes widened and she jumped up snatching crazily at Emma's hair. Having had more of experience in the fighting department than Emma had, she was immediately to an advantage and she tugged at Emma's hair mercilessly, trying to slam her into a locker.

Emma reached her hands out too, grabbing tightly onto Manny's hair and shoving her back into a locker. For a moment the two just grunted tugging at one another's hair and shouting "Let go of my hair, you bitch!" "You let go of mine!"

But then, something in Emma just snapped. Everything snapped. What she was going through trying to figure everything out, the way she felt about Sean , how desperately she just wanted to make her life right again, and how she now realized that everything wouldn't just fall back into place; and slowly Emma's rage formed a slow surge of adrenaline which she used to force Manny against the locker, so hard, that Manny let go of her hair.

And Emma was glaring at Manny now, she had a sort of twisted rage in her eyes and she prepared to take all of her anger out on Manny. She felt her hand slowly forming into a fist again and the next thing she knew, she was punching Manny repeatedly screaming "I hate you! You Bitch! I hate you!"

Emma could vaguely hear Manny squealing in pain, but mostly she could just feel all of her aggression towards everything being released in her hits, her crazed strikes at Manny and it felt so…empowering, that she couldn't stop.

"Emma!" She heard and suddenly she could see again and she could feel again and she felt someone dragging her away from Manny. "Emma! What the Hell is going on!" Snake said, apparently, having been the one who'd drug her away from Manny and now turned her towards him, hands on her shoulders, looking at her with a terrified expression on his face.

Emma's breathing slowed and suddenly remembering all that had just happened she turned around looking at Manny.

Manny was slumped to the floor in front of her locker crying. Her lip was busted and her face was sort of puffy, she was holding her stomach in pain…

Emma, realizing what'd she'd done, faltered a little in Snake's steady but shaky arms and she stammered out "Manny! I'm I'm sorr-" "Go to Hel,l Emma!" Manny shouted through her tears.

Snake's eyes slowly began to tear. He'd thought Emma was ok, he'd thought that she was fine now…he realized he'd been wrong and he said calmly. "Emma? Go home." As he stood up staring down at Emma "I-" Go Home Emma!" He yelled, and Emma backed away crying before turning and bursting through the doors of Degrassi…

Scene Change: Ellie's apartment

Ellie's eyes were glued to the boy standing in her doorway and she stared at him in utter disbelief "S-Sean?" she finally managed "What are you doing…here!" She spit at him hatefully, as she reached over grabbing a tissue from a box on the bedside table and pressing it quickly against her bleeding arm.

Sean, never taking his eyes off of Ellie's arm, held up his key "I never gave it back." He said his voice full of restrained emotion. "Ellie? What are you doi-" "What does it look like I'm doing Sean?" Ellie asked angrily, "What does it look like!" "I thought you…I thought you stopped.." Sean said looking dazed. "I di-" Ellie began about to break down before remembering that Sean was the one who owed the explanation."What are you doing here, Sean!" Ellie said, walking quickly toward the visibly disturbed boy.

Sean never took his eyes off of her arm, but still held up an envelope saying distractedly "I was just gonna give you-" Ellie snatched it out his hands and then opened the envelope quickly. When she saw what was inside of it she stammered "This is..like $3000." And she dropped the tissue that she'd been pressing against her arm. "It's $3,240." Sean said distantly, staring at Ellie's arm "It's…the rent that I woulda pai-" Ellie glanced at Sean angrily and shoved the envelope back at him. "I don't want your guilt money, Cameron." she said through gritted teeth. Then, noticing that Sean was staring at her arm again, she turned and walked back over to the little table, picking up another tissue.

"Ellie, I…Why did you…?" Sean said setting the envelope down on the bed as he walked over to her "Sean? Back off all right!" Ellie said, turning toward him "And while you're at it, stop acting oh so surprised! Oh, wow! Ellie cuts herself! News of the Century." Sean stopped and then said calmly, steadying his voice "Ellie? I saw the scars ok…I never saw you cut you're freaking arm!" "Well, you mighta wanna leave, Sean, because it's gonna get worse!" Ellie yelled.

Sean looked so hurt, worried, and then he said slowly "It's not about…me is it?" Ellie laughed. She couldn't believe the nerve of Sean, of guys' period. "God, Sean! Get over yourself ok!" Sean paused, thinking, his eyes still locked on her arm "Then…Craig." Ellie wasn't sure what in the world was going on. First, Emma's crazy talk and now Sean? What is it with these two?

"Sean, I think you'd better leave alright?" Sean just stared at her blankly, then glancing at her arm he said calmly, as he began to side-step her to get to the phone, "Ellie, I'm calling a doctor." Ellie pushed Sean back towards the door "You're not calling anyone!" "Yeah, I am." Sean said, heading in the living room to pick up the phone "I'm not just going to sit here and w-" "Then leave Sean! Leave! You're good at that, remember!"

Sean turned towards Ellie, "Ellie! Don't do this! I told you I was so-" "Oh yeah! I'm sorry, I forgot," Ellie said sarcastically "Five minutes of talking always makes up for a whole bitter year." Sean forgot about the cutting for a moment, "Look, Ellie, things haven't been so great for me-" "So, Join the club Sean!" Sean walked towards her, his eyes filling with tears "But, I still care about you,-" "Sean? Look, I don't wanna hear it ok? I'm not gonna just sit here like, like, Emma, or something, and make my self feel bad for you, when you left me, remember?" "But, Ellie, I had to-" "No, Sean! Ya didn't. You chose to go. While everyone else stayed and dealt with the shooting, you chose to run away, just like you always do."

Sean felt a tear rolling down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. "So that's what you really think of me, right? That I just run away from everything?" "Hmmm, let's see, Wasaga the first time, Degrassi, Emma, and me; Yeah, Sean. It kinda seems like you do." Sean was a little confused about all the Emma references, but he just ignored them. "Ellie, look, I never-" He glanced at her arm "I never judged you or whatever…for…for doing that; I never cared. But you can't just keep acting like it's nothing. You can't keep lying to yourself; trust me I know, it doesn't help."

"Doesn't help? Sean Cameron is telling me that denial doesn't help? Sean? You are in the most in denial that I've ever seen anyone in. And look how great you turned out." Sean was getting mad "Ellie! I just care about you alright! I mean, I-" "Loved me right?" Ellie said shaking her head as tears rose up in her eyes remembering Craig. "Say it again, Sean. Maybe it'll actually mean something this time." "It meant something the first time!" Sean said angrily. Ellie laughed again, that painful laugh that was so shrill and eerie, that you felt it "Yeah, Sean. It meant so much, you couldn't stay. Even though you loved me you still…left me; Just like everyone else." Ellie said, crying.

"Ellie, I was confused I didn't know what to do. But, I wouldn't just say that to say it." "No Sean," Ellie said shaking her head again, "You'd say it because it was safe. It was alright to say; to have someone to say it to…because you couldn't say it to who you really wanted." Sean looked at her confused, "What are you talk-"Laughing again, Ellie said "Sean? You wanna talk about denial? Ok. Let's talk about it. Emma Nelson. You practically worshipped the ground she walked on, I mean, you risked your life to save he-" "I would've done that for you too, Ellie!" "Would you have, Sean! Really?" Sean didn't answer, but Ellie didn't care. "I mean even after all that, you still could never tell her you loved her. You could tell me, because it didn't mean as much." As Ellie spoke she was half-way speaking to Sean and halfway saying what she wished she could say to Craig. "Because, you were too scared to admit, to yourself e even, that you might actually need someone that much."

Sean was in tears now. How was it that everyone always told him off so well, when he could barely get in a sentence? "How do you kno-" He began, slowly materializing what she and Emma must have talked about…"Because, Sean, that was the thing you know? The thing me and you had in common? Control. Neither one of us can stand to be without it…" Ellie glanced at her arm, "Love? It reallymakes you lose it…" Sean was wiping his eyes as he stared at Ellie.

He still loved her, not in that way though; he would never want anything to happen to her, she'd been one of his closest friends…and she was right, of course. But, he still had to get her to deal with the cutting situation. "So what, Ellie? So, we both like control. That's not that big a deal, Ellie. Me? I left right? I got scared, I chickened out, ran away, whatever you call it, but I did it Ellie. I hurt you guys, and I can admit it. But you? You're sliding a razor across your own arms. You're cutting yourself Ellie. And pretending that it's not a problem? The only person that's hurting, is you."

Ellie decided she didn't like the new and improved Sean Cameron. Since when did he get in touch with any sense of feelings? And who did he think he was preaching to her? She wasn't crazy, it wasn't like she just up and decided to cut herself. This was something that Ellie had to do…to deal with how crazy life had gotten and no matter how many times she explained it...to the therapists, to Ashley, to Craig…noone would ever really understand.

Ellie cried, just thinking about it, and just thinking about why she'd been cutting and how she'd felt this time. She hadn't had enough time before Sean came in to realize that she hadn't felt strong ,or in control; she'd felt weak; weak enough to curl up and cry; weak enough that she thought about stopping the pain…for real; for good.

As she recalled this, Ellie said crying "Sean, just leave alright!" "I'm not leaving Ellie," Sean said steadying himself, his hand wavering over the phone, "Not until, you get some help." "I don't neeeeddd help, Sean! I'm fine! Get out of my apartment. My apartment, remember?" Ellie said, crying "Get out! Get out!" she kept screaming over and over again, "Get out…!" as she slowly sunk to the floor. Sean walked away from the phone and knelt beside Ellie and hugging her. "It's gonna be ok." He said softly, as she gripped onto his arms, sobbing on his shoulder.

Scene Change: The sidewalk leading to Degrassi

Emma hugged herself tightly as she walked, tears streaming down her face, towards her house. She couldn't believe what had happened but still no matter how badly she wanted this to be a nightmare, that she could wake up from, she knew it was real, and she couldn't handle it.

What the Hell happened? How did I let it get this far? How did I get so out of control?

She thought hatefully, as the tears splashed the blurry gray concrete beneath her feet.

"Hey," Emma heard and she felt something-someone-a hand, gripping her arm stopping her from walking. She wanted so badly for it to be Sean, or even Snake or anyone who cared about her and could somehow make everything ok.

But it wasn't.

"What's the matter?" Jay purred with a look of concern, that Emma couldn't see, on his face as he wiped his free hand across one of Emma's tears.

Emma slapped Jay's hand away from her face. She was in no mood for his foolishness right about now. "Jay, Leave me the hell alone." She said as she tried to pull away from his grip. "Just let me help ya' out," Jay said sorrowfully, his grip tightening on her struggling arm and he tried to pull her towards his car.

Emma punched Jay's arm and he let her go. "Jay! I said Leave me the hell alone!" Jay smiled a little, nauseatingly Emma thought, although it was his attempt at cheering her up. "Well, whatever's wrong, Green Peace, it can't be that bad...you're still giving your old friend Jay a hard time." "Don't call me that and for the last time…You're not my friend!" Emma said and stepped away from Jay. Jay walked up to her quickly grabbing her arm "Jay let me go, you Freaking Bastard!"

Jay smiled "You know, you've got quite the mouth on you for such a good-girl. "But then again," he said with a sick laugh, "I knew that alread-" and Emma slapped him hard across the face.

Jay glared at Emma angrily before yanking her towards him and dragging her with him quickly to his car "That's it! Just ,come on!" "Jay let me go!" Emma screamed, but Jay just pulled her mercilessly, towards his car...