Chapter 14

Shattered Illusions

Sean stood outside of Degrassi waiting for Emma to come up the sidewalk. He'd been up since about 5 in the morning getting everything ready...their date would have to be tonight he'd decided, he had to tell her tonight and he stood by the sidewalk and waited patiently for her to show up, sure that he'd convince her to skip.

"Hey stranger!" He heard a familiar girl's voice call from behind him. Turning around he saw Alex Nunez, Jay's ex girlfriend, walking towards him. "Alex! What's up!" he said hugging her "Nothing, nothing!" Alex said smiling, "I heard you were back. How'd that happen?" Sean shook his head smiling, "I don't know. I just,…drove." He laughed and then, noticing that Alex seemed in very un-Alex like high spirits, and that Jay was nowhere to be seen, he asked her, "So…is Jay around? I haven't seen him." Alex frowned "Jay Hogart? I wouldn't know; seeing as how we broke up, thanks to his cheating on me with every girl in school, not to mention giving me gonorrhea, all in a few months after you left."

Sean just shook his head, Jay was a real idiot sometimes. "Man, that's messed up." He said sympathetically. "It's cool," Alex said, shrugging "I mean it was a year ago after all. And besides, I got him back." "Yeah?" Sean said, smiling. Alex leaned towards him as though about to tell him a secret, "I dated Paige Mikalchuk." Sean was of course just a little taken aback by this; even if Alex was joking, it was a strange joke to make. Alex laughed at the dumbfounded look on his face "I guess you hadn't heard that I'm a lesbian either, huh?" "Wow," Sean said stepping back a little "Really?" "Don't worry Sean; it's not contagious!" she said, laughing "And besides even if it was, guys couldn't catch it!" Sean smiled, nervously, What in the world had happened while he was gone?

Alex smiled at Sean "But, enough about me? What are you doing here? Are you back in Degrassi this year?" Sean shrugged ,"Yeah, but not yet." Alex eyed Sean suspiciously "Then...what are you doing here now?" Sean looked a little embarrassed and then said "I'm uh, waiting..." "For Jay! He was expelled, Sean." "Oh, yeah, I heard." Sean said nodding. Alex looked at him puzzled. "Then...who are you waiting on?" Sean looked at Alex. He wasn't sure if he didn't want to tell her because he wasn't sure what Emma would say or because...he just didn't want to tell her.

After deciding that it didn't matter either way, he said "Emma." not being able to resist smiling. Alex stared at him with a blank look. "First of all, Emma's not here today." "She's not?" Sean said frowning, "She got suspended for fighting Manny Santos." "Really?" Sean said semi-smiling. "Yeah," Alex said, but continued with a wonderous look on her face And secondly, waiting for her? You've got ta be kidding me!" She said, with a laugh. Sean just stared at her "No, I'm not. We're cool now." "After the whole STD thing, you guys are still cool? You must really love her." Sean furrowed his eyebrows "Alex? What are you talking about?" he asked shaking his head in confusion.

A look of realization slowly crept onto Alex's face "Oh..." she said and then smiled "So..you don't know?" "Don't know what?" Sean said frustratedly. "Sean? When I said Jay cheated on me with all the girls? I meant all the girls; Emma's a girl too, Sean." Sean wasn't sure if he'd heard Alex right "Wait; are you saying that Emma...slept with Jay?" "No, Sean. It's called a blowjob. God, We're talking about Ms. Frigid here." "Right!" And Emma would never do that!" Sean growled at Alex, the anger in his eyes intensifying "Calm down, loverboy." Alex said with a tone of slight irritation "Look, the girl had gonorrhea, Sean; you can't really get that by yourself." "Emma wouldn't do that." Sean said again, slower this time, as though Alex hadn't heard him the first time. Alex just looked at Sean shaking her head, "Sean? Look good luck with Emma alright?" and she turned walking away. Sean couldn't just let her leave after that and he grabbed her arm. "Alex? Are you serious?" He asked slowly pain resonating in his voice. "Yes, Sean." Alex said pulling her arm away from him. "I am." "But...Emma...? She wouldn't do that." Sean said again, tears forming in his eyes, trying to convince himself more than her.

Alex shook her head slowly at her friend "Look, Sean, I'm sorry, ok? You know her a lot better than I do, and maybe she wouldn't have if..." "If!" Sean asked angrily Alex shrugged and trying to make him feel better said "Look, Jay can be very persuasive, ok? It was a only a little while after you left. Maybe he-" "Forced her?" Sean said getting madder. Alex looked at him "I was gonna say talked her into it." But Sean was already walking away from her. His world was crumbling all around him; tears welling in his eyes. Emma had had to go through all that'd she'd gone through, and she'd been harrassed by Jay? The guy he'd brought into her life? Sean couldn't take the thought, and he got angrier and angrier every time he thought of it.

Jay had to have forced Emma, he decided. Emma would never do that willingly and now? Now, Sean was going to make Jay pay.

Scene Change: Emma's House

Emma didn't want to move but she still got up; she was thirsty. She walked upstairs and stared around the empty house. Her parents had gone to work and Manny hadn't gotten home yet. She'd been suspended for a week. From the way that Snake was going on the other night, she wasn't even sure if her parents would let her back in Degrassi.

"I thought you were over the shooting." Her mother had said crying, "I thought you were better, finally." Emma's cold sarcasm had kicked in again and she'd said "Guess you thought wrong huh mom?" Snake had glared at Emma angrily "Emma, it feels like-like I don't even know you anymore. What happened to that sweet little girl I used to know?" "She grew up, almost got killed and turned into a bitter scared, lonely,confused teen!" Emma yelled before jumping up from the couch-were her parents had called her to talk-and racing down the stairs to her room.

They blamed her for Manny not being home, and truthfully she blamed herself too. She wasn't sure what had happened. Somewhere along the crazy line she'd lost it. And now, she was trying to remember what she'd even been holding onto anyway.

No Sean, no real friends, no…family, Why did she even try, she thought, and she leaned over rinsing the glass that she'd just drunk from. Everything was so hard for her, trying to be good, trying to go back to the way things were, trying to get over whatever she was feeling for Sean, and she felt so desperately like just ending it…somehow.

A knock at the door called Emma's saddened attention, and she walked over to it. Glancing out of the curtain she saw the edge of Sean's gray hoodie, and she could already feel the tears working there way up to her eyes and she yanked open the door and threw her arms around his neck crying.

Scene Change: Ellie's apartment.

Ellie rolled over. What was today? Tuesday, right, was she going to school. No, she decided as she rolled back over stuffing her face in her pillow. Then, remembering a small part of yesterday she sat up. She'd had the weirdest dream she thought and she got up and washed her face in the bathroom sink staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"What happened yesterday?" She thought. She remembered cutting herself, Sean, Craig-this she chose not to think about. What's the point? He made his choice-

And then…

And then…?

Maybe she'd gotten drunk she mused, before remembering that she didn't drank. Something just felt so…off. But she couldn't quite figure out. So, she pulled on her black jeans and walked over to her closet. Black corduroy jacket, white tee, and white tennis shoes. She decided. She had an appointment with the therapist today and she didn't wanna look too depressed knowing that therapists analyzed clothing like crazy.

As she opened her door and stepped out into the living room it hit Ellie what had happened, why she felt confused or weirded out or whatever, and she walked over to the couch and stared down at the sofa. Why in the Hell did I let Manny Santos in my house…?

Scene Chagne: Emma's house

Emma pulled away from him and shook with fear. "What are you doing here Jay?" she asked faking that same snappy attitude even though she was scared out of her mind. "Hugging you." Jay said with a smile trying to grab her hand. Emma backed up a little. Why had she answered the door? Why was Jay looking at her like this? Why in the Hell had she gotten mixed up with him to begin with?

"Jay…I'm helping my mom so," "You're mom ain't here." Jay said with a knowing smile "Jay?" Emma said fearing her…life? No, she wasn't sure what was so scary about Jay at this particular moment other than that sick look in his eyes, but it still scared her.

"What do you want?" Emma asked gulping as she wavered in the doorway. Jay's face changed, the crazy look was gone and he just smiled at her easily. "I just wanna talk to you." He said and then added, "Like yesterday? At the car? I just wanted to talk to you; that's all." "Then why didn't you say that?" Emma asked, she was a little calmer now. Jay wouldn't hurt her…would he?

Jay looked at her with a sad look "You barely even listen to anything I say." He said sounding, this time Emma noticed, hurt. "Well, I'm listening now." She said crossing her arms. "What is it?"

Jay stared at Emma for a moment and then all of sudden he was leaning in to her face saying softly "I miss you…" and kissing her lips.

Scene Change: Ellie's Apartment…

"Hey Santos! Up and at 'em!" Ellie said as she shook Manny's shoulder a little. She remembered now of course, had remembered all along but couldn't fathom it being true, that she'd let Manny into the apartment the other night. Something about the way she looked, scared, sad, lonely…Ellie had related to that and even though she couldn't stand the girl she let her in, thinking that she had to be desperate to come to her.

Manny blinked at Ellie. She knew she wasn't dreaming she remembered yesterday very well. She'd never forget it had been the worst day of her life. In a few short moments she'd lost her boyfriend, her best friend, her makeshift family, her life, an she stared up at Ellie, who'd taken her in despite their differences and smiled at her.

Ellie just stared back at Manny crossing her arms, "You're going to be late for school." Manny frowned now sitting up slowly "I'm not going to school." She said sadly "Then, where are you going?" Ellie stated unsympathetically.

Manny thought about this for only a second, before she was back in tears "I don't know…" she cried and Ellie kinda felt bad for her. She sat down beside her "Look, I'm sure whatever happened with Emma, she'll get over it." "No," Manny said sitting up and looking at Ellie with a vicious gleam in her eyes "I'm not going back there. Not this time." Ellie was a littlecurios now "What happened…exactly?" Manny broke down and told her the whole dramatic story all the way up until the point where she'd come here in tears.

Ellie was very surprised to hear that Manny had actually thought Craig was going to choose to be with her. Notwithstanding the fact that she herself, had only yesterday, tried so badly to believe this, she still didn't think Manny-self-assured, vain, self-loving Manny Santos- would think that.

"Did you ever talk to her again? Emma, I mean?" Manny shook her head, "I-I don't have my cellphone." She said with a small gasp "But I don't want to. Look what she did to me." Manny said pointing to her lip and smoothing her hand over her sore eye. Ellie halfway smiled "She did mess you up pretty bad; did a better job than me." Manny didn't think this ws funny and instead, commenced to sobbing more bitter tears. Ellie felt bad,

"Manny? Look just, I don't know, call Craig or something he-" "No he won't." Manny said shaking "I already told you…he doesn't want anything to do with me." Ellie found this whole situation so ironically twisted that she didn't know what to say. "Well then," Ellie said, and she couldn't believe she was advising Manny and Craig…"Just…give him some time." Manny nodded "I know," then Manny looked at Ellie.

She found it pretty strange to think that just a few days ago-two days ago-Ellie had declared to her boyfriend that she was in love with him-and now here she was trying to advise Manny to be patient and wait. Suddenly, Manny felt horrible for having hated Ellie so much, coming to her house and started that fight, calling her out…

She did remember that day, when Ellie had told Craig that she loved him, when she'd seen that look on Ellie's face, the same look that she'd had when Craig had hugged Ashley, getting back with her only a few days after having had sex with her. He'd broken her heart.

"Ellie…? She said slowly "Look, I'm sorry about all th-" "No thanks." Ellie said cutting her off and standing up walking into the kitchen. "I've had enough apologies within the last 3 days to last me a lifetime." Manny laughed and she stood up walking over to the kitchen counter.

Leaning over the counter she said easily "So…what are you doing?" "Huh?" Ellie asked reaching up into some cupboard and then pulling down two bowls "Breakfast." She said pulling down a box of cereal "You eat it don't you…?" "Oh, yeah." Manny sat sitting on the stool "That's not what I meant. I mean, well you're wearing white…" Manny said looking Ellie up and down. Ellie felt subconscious all of a sudden "Doctors appointment…" she lied, "They get spooked kinda easily there so…I try to tone done the black a little." "Oh." Manny said not believing her, but not bothering to push it.

Manny stood up and walked around the living room with a critical eye "I love the apartment." She called to Ellie, "Who knew you had such great taste." As she said it Manny realized how condenscending it sounded and she looked at Ellie, who staring at her thinking the same thing. "Wow." She said pouring milk into one of the bowls "Who knew you could recognize good taste." Manny blinked angrily at Ellie "I didn't mean it like that,' she said calmly. Ellie stared back at Ellie. Maybe she was being too defensive but who could blame her? Manny Santos was walking through her living room staring at her things like they were the vile of the earth.

Or maybe, Ellie decided, no, she wasn't, Ellie just expected her to be, and she calmed her thoughts a little as she walked over and handed Manny a bowl of cereal. "Sorry…habit." Ellie said sitting down on the couch.

Manny smiled again and sat down too, staring at the cereal. She wasn't too hungry. "I don't think I can eat." "You'd better; I don't exactly have money to waste." Ellie said biting into the cold tasteless stuff before jumping up and spitting into a napkin. "Eh! What is this mess!" she looked at the box and saw that the expiration date was a week earlier. She threw the box in the trash and opened the fridge as Manny walked in the kitchen dumping her bowl in the trash too. "No food?" she asked as she watched Ellie rummaging through the fridge "Not, unless you like week old milkshakes." Ellie said tossing the cup in the trash.

"We have to go shopping." Manny said quickly "How can you possibly stand to be depressed without food?" and once again Manny realized that she'd put her foot in her mouth. Ellie just looked at her. She hadn't exactly told Manny about what had happened with Craig, but maybe she'd been crying herself when Manny came. Maybe Manny could just tell she was sad and she shook her head "I'm not depressed." She said quietly. "I-I know." Manny said quickly, "I just meant…well, I am." She said sitting down and leaning her head on the counter.

Ellie couldn't really deal with Manny's woe-is-me attitude and she said "Look, Manny. Just call Craig alright? So you hooked up with another guy. He still loves you; deal with it, already." Manny stared at Ellie, partially surprised and partially hurt…"I told you what happened. He's not going to just up and want me back." Manny said but the way she said it Ellie felt as though she were trying to convince herself of that more than anyone else. She was tired of Manny acting like everyone was out to get her and she had enough sadness of her own built up without needing to tolerate Manny's. Besides that, something was weighing in on her mind and she had to ask.

"Manny? I don't get it. If you love Craig why did you even…I mean why would you do that anyway?" Manny sat up laughing, "Maybe you haven't heard Ellie," She said and then pointing to herself said, doing a pretty good job of imitating Ellie's painful laughter " 'School Slut', remember?" Ellie's face tightened "Just because you kiss a guy, doesn't make you a slut." "Maybe not, but being the girl that he cheats on his girlfriend with? It kinda does." Ellie just shrugged at Manny getting angrier all of a sudden. "Manny? If that's how you want to act, fine. But I know what Ashley went through…" she stopped for a moment here, pointing to herself " 'Best Friend' of the mistreated girlfriend, remember? And even though you were, you had no right to do that, and it was definitely low-down, Craig was the one who broke Ashley's heart. You couldn't have been any girl, Manny. But Craig? Everyone expected better from him."

Manny just stared at Ellie for a moment and then slowly the tears fell "See? See what I mean? Everyone expects better from Craig, but me? What do they expect from me?" "Nothing," Ellie said "But, Manny, you haven't exactly given anyone a reason to trust you." "But, you'd trust Craig right…?" Manny said and Ellie shrunk back a little. She didn't say anything. "Ellie? It's not that everyone thinks I'm a slut, I could care less. It's that everyone, even my closest friends, They treat me like one; they treat me like that's all they expect from me-nothing more. Every time I thought, that you might…like Craig or whatever what did anyone tell me "Ellie's not "that" kind of girl." And I know now, you're not, but me? Even though I've never cheated on anyone,-I really loved Craig and that's the only reason I was with him-even though I've tried to get everyone to see that I'm more than just that one incident three years ago? I'm still "that kind of girl". Everyone thinks so,…even Craig, and I-I can't deal with it anymore."

Ellie glanced at her arms as Manny spoke, knowing the feeling of people judging you based on one thing all too well. "So…are you saying you don't want to get back with Craig?" Ellie asked surprised. Manny paused and then said nodding "I guess I am…" she said and then she started crying again "I don't wanna be with someone who makes me feel…like I'm worthless…" Manny said, crying bitterly. And Ellie stood watching her, relating a little too well with that heartbroken feeling.

Scene Change: Emma' house

Emma stood frozen for a moment before she pushed Jay away from her forcefully. "Jay! What is your problem?" Jay looked at Emma with that strange look "I don't have one!" He said angrily "Then why did you just kiss me?" Jay looked at Emma, he looked like an idiot she thought, so unscary and pathetic it wasn't funny "Look, I know what happened in the ravine and all? I know that it was messed up and I'm sorry." He stepped towards her now "But…I miss you, a lot. I don't even miss Alex this much and I know that's gotta mean something right?" as he said he groped for Emma's hand and then kissed it. Emma's skin crawled and she snatched her away from Jay.

"No it doesn't! Jay, you gave me a social disease!" "Not on purpose!" "I don't care!" Emma yelled at him. "Look, I don't know what you're sick little idea of romance is, but in my book, gonorrhea? It's a real deal breaker."

Jay stared at Emma fuming angrily, "So...this isn't because Seanny boys back?" Emma, who had forgotten all about Sean for a moment shook her head, "What?" "I saw you with him you know? Standing in the street…hugging?" "You were spying on me!" Emma said with a sickening feeling "I was coming to talk to you. Find out what I could do to make things right with us again." Emma stared at Jay in disbelief. This was by far, the weirdest thing that had happened to her so far. "Jay? Things were never "right" with us! I never liked you all right? I don't know what I was thinking, or why but, you? You were the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. Ever!" Jay just glared at he angrily. He wasn't sure what it was. Did he really like Emma, or was he just angry about Alex and needed some company? He decided not to think about it and instead leaned forward, this time grabbing her and forcing his tongue into her mouth.

Emma tried to pull away from Jay but couldn't and was about to start crying when all of a sudden, Jay jerked away from her towards the doorstep. After wiping her mouth, Emma looked at Jay and saw Sean standing there, slamming him to the ground. "Sean!" "You think it's funny!" Sean yelled, kicking Jay in the side "You think it's funny to mess with the only girl, who isn't a freaking slut!" Sean yanked Jay off of the ground and stood him up, just to punch him down again. Jay somehow managed to knock Sean off his feet. And scrambled back towards the door

"Sean! Buddie! This is how you greet your best friend?" He said, punching Sean in the jaw as he stood up. "Stop it!" Emma yelled rushing over and grabbing Jay's arm as he tried to lean down and punch Sean again. Sean jumped up and grabbed Jay again punching him in the face, and knocking him down. "Why would you do that!" Sean yelled leaping down onto Jay, and punching him repeatedly in the face."You just had to do that to her! You just had to force yourself on her even when you knew she was messed up!"

Emma was standing on the doorstep watching this, tears streaming painfully down her face. "Sean! Stop!" She yelled rushing over to him and grabbing his arm. Sean stopped himself and looking at Jay's bloody face turned towards Emma. "Em-ma," he said tearfully, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry he did that to you." He said as he grabbed her hand "Are you ok!" Emma realized, by now that Sean thought that Jay had forced himself on her. Not sure exactly how to say it but she knew she had to she finally had to she stammered out…" He didn't force himself on me, Sean." Sean just stared at her like what'd she'd said wasn't possible. "Wh-What? But…Alex…she said you-" "I did." Emma said shamefully, crying. "But he didn't force me."

Sean's whole world came to a screeching halt, and he stood up looking at Jay, unconscious and bloody and then he stared at Emma…or whoever the hell this girl was. He couldn't believe what she was saying to him and he couldn't believe what he'd done …lost his temper so violently; knocking Jay unconscious.

He had a record he'd probably go to jail…

"I've gotta-I can't-I've gotta get out of here!" Sean said rushing over to his car and pulling the door open. "Sean! Sean Wait!" Emma said Please don't leave me! Please! She thought as she rushed over to his car. ""I've gotta get out of here!" Sean said after turning to look at Emma one last time. The tears rushed to his angry pained eyes and he mashed the gas trying to get as far away from Em-this girl as he could. Emma fell to the ground where his car had been and cried "I'm so sorry, Sean! I'm so sorry!"