Martial Arts Motherhood Challenge Chapter 1 – You’ve Got to Be Kidding!, a ranma fanfic

Chapter 1 – You've Got to Be Kidding!

Ranma sat cross-legged in the center of the living room floor staring up at the wall screen where his financial statements were displayed. With a worried look on his face he picked up the remote, punched in some new numbers and pointed it at the screen. The figures shifted and the charts fluctuated a bit, but the picture it painted for the future of his business didn't change.

Money had become his chief concern in life as soon as high school ended. Against all odds he had passed the entrance exam for the same university that Akane was going to attend, but unlike Soun Tendo who had put aside money for his daughter's education Genma Saotome had been flat broke as usual.

His mother had helped out a little bit, but the brunt of the costs had fallen on Ranma's shoulders. He spent his four years at university working an average of three part-time jobs at once. Unfortunately for his male ego the best paying jobs had always required him to work in female form, so slowly he had come to value his curse for what it was and finally embraced it as a part of himself.

His relationship with Akane had remained rocky throughout those years. They fought, broke up and got back together again constantly, but they grew closer each time and were married the summer after graduation.

Ranma had taken over the day-to-day operation of the Tendo dojo and struggled to make a business out of the old school, but kids in Japan no longer seemed interested in the martial arts. They were into bleaching their hair, piercing their noses, sending instant messages on their cell phones and listening to foreign rock bands on their MP3 players. The few that did show up at the dojo, all wanted to learn 'secret ninja jutsu' or how to use a samurai sword.

Ranma would forever be indebted to his third year economics professor for introducing him to the concept of international franchising. While kids in Japan were rejecting the martial arts, kids all over the world were discovering Japanese anime and becoming obsessed with anything Japanese, especially martial arts. By the time Akane had become pregnant with their twin boys five years ago, Ranma was already jetting to the four corners of the globe to demonstrate the Art and sign up new franchises.

He had even managed to work his curse into the business. Although Ranma had grown into a young adult, his cursed form had remained a perpetual teenager. Still petite, full breasted and cute, he introduced her as his little sister Ranko. He would perform gravity defying stunts as the young girl and then head off stage for a quick face full of hot water before coming back out as himself to display his more powerful ki moves. The franchise owners ate this up and dojo's teaching the Art began popping up all over the world.

Known as Anything Goes Martial Arts Inc. in the United States and Indiscriminate Grappling Schools Ltd. everywhere else Ranma's business grew steadily, but he was still little more than a struggling small businessman just getting by. Then six months ago Akane's sister Nabiki had come to him with a new scheme and he had let her talk him into sinking all his cash reserves into the Internet venture. Now the consequences of that decision were staring him in the face.

"This can't be right," he mumbled and punched in more changes. When that didn't alter the bottom line either, Ranma sighed, "How am I going to explain this to Akane?"

"How are you going to explain what to Akane?" His wife said as she walked in from the hallway. She stared at the wall and tried to make sense of what was displayed there. In typical Ranma fashion, he had opened about twenty different windows and scattered them all over the screen. Most of the windows contained row upon row of numbers, but there were a few bar graphs and a pie chart or two. She quickly concluded that she had no idea what any of it meant.

"Are the boys in bed?" Ranma asked trying to head off the question.

"No, they're watching some interactive anime from Peru. It's in Spanish so I have no idea what they're actually watching and they refuse to go to bed until they reach something called 'nível seis'…"

"That's means level six," Ranma interpreted.

"I don't care what it means," Akane's anger was starting to show, "I told them that if they weren't in bed by eight o'clock I was sending you up there to cut the Internet connection."

"It's wireless Akane, there's nothing to cut."

"I don't care! Now what is it you don't want to tell me Ranma?"

"Um… well… I've been looking at the forecast for the next year… you see… Ever since I appeared on that Armenian reality game show last month, hits on the website have been increasing."

"No wonder," Akane said as she knelt down behind her husband and started massaging his neck, "you made that Russian weightlifter look like a fool."

Ranma grinned, "He was so full of himself. I had to compete as a girl just so I could kick his butt all over the place."

"Ranma, be honest," Akane scolded him. "You had to compete as a girl because part of the game involved swimming across a lake."

"Yeah, well that too. Anyway, that show went out on the Internet and now… well… unless I'm doing something really wrong with these numbers, within six months we're going to be rich."

"What!" Akane shouted. She had been preparing herself for bad news.

"The game rights alone are going to put the boys through college," Ranma grinned, "I really have to hand it to Nabiki, this virtual dojo thing is a gold mine!"

Akane sat back on her heels, clearly stunned by this news. Money had been the only obstacle she did not have an answer for and now Ranma himself had eliminated it. With a huge smile she kissed Ranma playfully on the back of his neck, "Well then, I think you owe Nabiki an apology or two."

Ranma scratched the back of his head, "Yeah, probably and I'll be sure to do just that the next time she's actually in Japan. Where is she these days?"

Akane looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "Los Angeles… or Las Vegas. I always get those two confused, which one is the amusement park?"

"Las Vegas," Ranma said with a smirk, "Is she there with Kuno?"

"Of course… I really wish those two would get married and settle down."

"Why would Nabiki ever marry him when Kuno already gives her everything she wants?"

"I'd just like to see them start a family together."

"Akane, if there is a list of the one hundred women least likely to become mothers, I have the feeling your sister is right up there at the top."

"Really?" Akane said sensing an opening, "and just where do you place yourself on that list?"

Ranma had been getting up to move to the couch, but that question sent him straight back to the floor. "Wha… what do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I want to talk to you seriously about our daughter."

"Aw geeze Akane, didn't we go over that enough last night?"

"It was this morning Ranma," Akane corrected him, "Four o'clock in the morning! Do you really expect me to wait until you wake up screaming in the middle of the night again before we talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about. It was just a dream. She's not real and I'm not going to be anyone's mother."

"Oh, so now your spirit walk was just a dream? The fact that three months before I became pregnant you described our boys to me like you were looking at a photograph of them is now all part of a dream?"

"You gave me muffins filled with peyote mushrooms! It was a hallucination… it was all in my head… it never really happened!"

"Then what happened at Togenkyo was all just your imagination? Come on Ranma, you don't really believe that do you?"

Ranma hung his head, even he knew that wouldn't fly with Akane, "No… I knew it was all real the second I laid eyes on that crater. Every rock and pebble was exactly as the coyote showed it to me and the choice I had to make was every bit as final as he said it would be. If I hadn't blown up that spring you'd be a man and both of our lives would have been ruined."

"Then how can you deny that she exists?"

"Because the coyote told me it was hopeless. The spirits of children don't attach themselves to men."

"But you're not like other men Ranma… and not just because of your curse. At least talk to me about it, explain why you think it's impossible."

Ranma stared at his wife, "You're not going to give this up, are you Tendo?"

"Not until you give me one good reason to believe it really is hopeless."

"Okay, let's start with the curse. At a bare minimum I would have to stay female for nine months. I've never even come close to that before."

"What about the spring and summer of our second year at university? You stayed in girl mode that whole time so you could take that job as a lifeguard."

"Yes, but it wasn't full time. I must have gotten hit with hot water a couple of dozen times at least. I always changed back right away, but what would even a quick change do to the baby? I don't know and nether do you. Do you really want to risk her life like that?"

"So if there was some way to guarantee you wouldn't change back into a man by mistake you'd be willing to remain a woman the whole time?"

"Sure, but you can't guarantee that Akane."

Akane stood up and crossed the room to the bureau next to the kitchen door. She took a large white envelope off the top and tossed it to Ranma.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Open it and see for yourself," Akane said as she walked back and sat on the couch.

Ranma ripped open the express mail envelope and reached inside. He pulled out a small cardboard box covered in Chinese characters. He struggled for a moment to translate the big red characters on the front and then looked up at his wife stunned, "Waterproof soap? I forgot all about this stuff. Where'd you get it?"

"I e-mailed Shampoo yesterday and she sent it overnight express. She's also shipping us a whole case of it that should be here by next week. She says that Cologne has improved the formula and she guarantees 100 percent effectiveness if it's used daily."

"I thought this stuff keeps the curse from working?"

"No, according to Shampoo it keeps water from triggering the curse. So if you use it with cold water, the effect is to lock you in the cursed state. If you wash all over with this once a day, no amount of hot water can change you back."

Ranma looked skeptical, "Can we really trust this stuff?"

"Shampoo used this to safely have all three of her children. You know how over protective Mousse is, so if he was okay with it I'm satisfied it'll work for us." Akane smiled triumphantly, "That's one down, what's your next excuse?"

"It wasn't an excuse, I honestly forgot about this," Ranma opened one end of the box and peeked inside, "Cologne tried to blackmail me into marrying Shampoo with all kinds of stuff. I only remember the painful ones," he sniffed at the box and wrinkled his nose, "but even if this can keep me female the whole time it won't do any good if there's no father. I told you, I'm not going to go to bed with a man or be unfaithful to you."

Ranma had the calm smug look of a man that had just unconditionally won the argument, but looking equally calm Akane reached over and picked up a pamphlet lying on the coffee table and handed it to Ranma. He looked at it and the blood drained from his face.

"Nerima Family Medical Clinic," he read out loud, "List of Infertility Services…" Looking down the list he saw that two lines had been highlighted with a bright yellow marker, "Sperm bank" and "Artificial insemination".

"You see it's not necessary to go to bed with a man just to get pregnant these days. It's probably not as much fun," Akane giggled, "but it's certainly easier than dating."

"I'll bet this stuff is expensive," Ranma was beginning to grope for straws.

"Oh, it is!" said Akane merrily, "Dreadfully expensive, but weren't you just telling me that we're going to be rich? Can you think of anything better to do with that money than to add a new member to our family?"

Ranma swallowed hard, an expert was working him into a corner and he was defenseless, "B-b-but these sperm banks… how would we ever know what kind of guy the father was? You don't want our daughter to be fathered by just anyone, do ya?"

"No of course not, but Ranma," Akane smiled sweetly, she was setting him up for the final blow, "we already know who the father is."

"W-we do?"

"Of course we do. The father was standing right there when the spirit child's face appeared. Don't you remember?"

"There wasn't anyone standing there, just the coyote and… me…" Ranma's eyes grew really wide then narrowed into slits, "Akane Tendo Saotome, have you lost your mind? I can't father my own child!"

"Why not? I called Kasumi this morning and had her ask Toufuu about it. He says that there are more than enough differences between you and your girl form to make it genetically safe."

"And just how am I supposed to get myself pregnant?"

Akane leaned over and tapped the pamphlet that was still in Ranma's hand, "Simple, sperm banks take deposits."

o o o

Akane would have been surprised if it had ended there and it didn't. They continued to argue about it for the next two weeks. Every time Ranma thought he had poked a hole in her plan she plugged it right back up. The nightmares stopped right away, a fact that Akane believed proved Ranma was just being stubborn.

Ranma insisted on trying out the waterproof soap and then freaked out when he could not change back into a man for nearly three days. He grudgingly had to admit that the soap worked well enough to be safe.

Then two days ago, he had finally found the one flaw in Akane's plan. She had done everything she could to convince her husband, but she hadn't thought about how to convince his mother. Nodoka had never really come to terms with Ranma's curse. She accepted it as something he had no control over, but she still saw it as a weakness he needed to compensate for with manliness.

So Akane and Ranma found themselves sitting in the Saotome's formal Japanese style room across the table from Genma as they all waited nervously for Nodoka to bring tea. This room always made Akane nervous. When Ranma had first bought the house for his parents it had been bright and modern, but every time they came to visit it seemed to have slipped further back in time. Now it could easily be used as the set of an Edo period drama.

As was appropriate for them as guests, Akane and Ranma were sitting with their backs to the alcove tastefully decorated with flower arrangements and a wall scroll declaring "manliness in all things", but that meant they were facing the opposite wall where Nodoka's ever growing collection of swords hung. Akane felt sure that at least four new katana swords had appeared there since their last visit.

As if reading her mind, Ranma asked, "Hey pop, did mom get more swords?"

Genma glanced over his shoulder and sighed, "Yes, ever since she discovered on-line auctions we seem to be getting something new delivered all the time. We're expecting a full suit of armor to show up any day now. Just where we'll put it is anyone's guess…"

The door leading to the kitchen slid open to reveal Nodoka wearing her usual kimono. Kneeling at the doorway she picked up a tray filled with tea cups and set it inside the door, stood up, walked through the door, turned around, knelt down again, closed the door, lifted the tray, stood up again and then finally approached the table. Ranma's mother treated entering a room with the way most Japanese women would perform the tea ceremony.

Nodoka knelt at the head of the table and set out the cups. Then she measured out the tea into a pot and filled it with hot water from the electric kettle, the one and only modern appliance in the room. After swishing the pot around a few times she poured the bright green tea into two of the cups and pushed them in front of Ranma and Genma. Akane gritted her teeth as the two men took a sip.

"That's great mom," Ranma said quickly. He was probably already feeling Akane's battle aura rising.

"Yes, it's wonderful dear," Genma added just as quickly.

Finally satisfied that the men were properly served, Nodoka poured tea into the remaining cups and passed one to Akane who counted to ten and took a deep breath before picking it up and taking a sip. As usual it was delicious, "Why can't I make tea that tastes like this?" Akane thought, "It's excellent mother, thank you."

"You're welcome Akane dear," Nodoka said as she settled in next to Genma. She took a plate of cookies from the tray and offered them to Ranma, "Try these dear, I baked them this morning right after you called." Ranma took one and then she set the tray down in the middle of the table without offering them to either Akane or Genma.

"Wow, they're still warm," Ranma said with his mouth full, "You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble mom."

"Well, it's not everyday my son calls out of the blue after two months of silence to tell me he needs to talk to us about something important. I also expected you would bring my two precious grandsons who I've not seen in over three months. You know how much they like my cookies… perhaps you could take them some?"

"Mother!" Ranma groaned, "You don't have to be so melodramatic about it. We didn't bring the boys because we both really need to talk to you," he nodded towards Akane.

"We were afraid they would be a distraction," Akane tried to sound apologetic, but in truth she hated it when Nodoka filled the boys up with sweets.

"Well then," Nodoka said, "I can't wait to hear what news is more important than our grandchildren. Right Genma?"

Akane looked across the table at her father-in-law who was staring longingly at the plate of cookies. Nodoka must have put the poor dear on another diet. In spite of the fact that he and Ranma spared at least three times a week, her mother-in-law perpetually believed he was fat and lazy. It probably had a lot to do with how he acted when he was a panda and Akane felt sorry for him.

"Our news is about your grandchildren, mom." Ranma said rather tersely, "If you'd just let us explain…"

"Are the boys all right?" Nodoka's expression and tone of voice had changed completely, she was now all concern, "Is one of them sick?"

"No mother," Akane explained, "the boys are fine. This isn't about them."

"But Ranma," Nodoka continued to address herself to him alone, "didn't you just tell me this was all about our grandchildren?"

"It is mom, we're…" Ranma paused to steel himself before continuing, "thinking about having another baby."

Instantly Nodoka turned her focus on Akane who almost fell over backwards from the intensity of it, "Akane-chan! Are you pregnant? Have you been eating right? You look a little pale. Maybe you should be sitting in a chair…"

"No… no…" Akane tried to get a word in, "I'm not pregnant mother. We've only just decided to have another child."

"Oh," Nodoka said, backing off a little, "but this is wonderful news! Another baby and you were so sure after the twins that you couldn't have any more children."

Akane looked at Ranma, asking with her eyes if he was really ready for this. She saw him swallow hard and then nod. Akane took a deep breath and turned to Nodoka, "Mother, I'm not going to have this child."

Nodoka was quiet for a while before she said, "I understand, I know it must be hard on you dear. I've read about these things in the news, have you found a surrogate mother yet?"

"Well… kind of…" Akane looked over at Ranma who was quickly turning the color of a ripe tomato. Nodoka and Genma followed her gaze and now they were staring at him too. His mouth opened to say something, but no sound came out.

Then Nodoka sat bolt upright, "Ranma! Don't tell me that you intend to use that… that… that thing to have a child? It's bad enough that you're forced to suffer the indignity of it, now you want to compound our family's shame by committing adultery with… with a man!"

"It's not like that mom…" Ranma tried to say, but his mother cut him off and turned on Akane.

"How can you stand by and let this happen Akane? Do you have no regard for the sanctity of your own home? What will your sons think when they learn what their father has done?" suddenly Nodoka switched to a loud stage whisper, "Aren't you the least bit worried that he'll like it better that way?"

"Mother!" Ranma shouted, "Please just listen to us for one minute! It's not…"

"Just tell me it's not that Hibiki boy who's seduced you into this. I never trusted the way he was always harassing you in high school."

"It's not Ryouga mom…"

"Then who? Tell me who do you intend to have father this bastard child?"

Akane had reached her limit. She pounded her fist on the table so hard that it made all of the teacups jump, "You want to know who the father will be? I'll tell you, he's the kindest and most caring person I know, someone who would sacrifice his own life for his family in an instant. The father of our daughter is going to be the same man who fathered our sons, the greatest martial artist in the world, Ranma Saotome!"

Nodoka was stunned into silence and it was Genma that spoke next, "Just how are you planning to accomplish that one boy?"

Akane felt Ranma release her wrist. It had probably been the only thing keeping her from bolting across the table at her mother-in-law. She counted to ten, took a deep breath and said calmly, "We're planning to use artificial means. Ranma will store enough of his sperm at the clinic for at least a few attempts and then change into a woman."

"Is such a thing even possible?" asked Nodoka more coolly, "Isn't that like cloning or something?"

"We talked to Dr. Toufuu about it," Ranma said, "He's done lots of tests on my girl form over the years and he thinks there are more than enough differences between us. Kasumi did some research on the Internet and she feels it would be no worse than two cousins having a baby together. Maybe even safer since the chance of a recessive gene springing up is much less."

"And just how long will you have to remain… a woman?" Nodoka asked.

Ranma looked at Akane and then said, "We figure twelve months at least."

"Can you do that Ranma?" asked Genma, "How are you planning to avoid hot water for that length of time?"

"We have some magic soap that Shampoo sent us from China. It will keep me from turning back into a man until it's over."

"A year without hearing the sound of my son's voice…" Nodoka said quietly, "What are you planning to tell Masato and Hideto? How are you going to explain what's happened to their father?"

Ranma chuckled, "That's easy, they've been watching me go through the transformation their whole lives. Their favorite game when they were two years old was pouring cold water on daddy while he was asleep. I'd wake up with two little heads using my breasts as pillows."

"How do you even know you can get pregnant while you're cursed?" Nodoka asked. Some of the previous fire had crept back into her voice.

Akane looked at her husband, "I think you should tell them Ranma."

He nodded and then paused to collect his thoughts, "Back when I was in high school, before you found us mother, I had a vision, a sort of spiritual walk with a guide in the form of a coyote."

"Like in the American cartoons?" asked Genma.

"No pop, this one was real looking. He showed me things from my future, things that have since come true."

"Ranma was able to describe our boys," Akane said, "months before I became pregnant. He knew they would be twins. He described them in such detail and they've grown up to look just like that."

"The coyote also showed me the volcano on Togenkyo and what would happen to Akane and me if I didn't blow up the spring" Ranma winced as he watched his father's reaction to that painful memory. By blowing it up, he had not only doomed himself to being cursed for life, but his father, Ryouga and Mousse as well.

"Everything he showed me has come true, except for one. He showed me the spirit of a little girl. That spirit was attached to me the same way Masato and Hideto were attached to Akane. She'll only be born if I give birth to her."

"We both desperately want that little girl," Akane said, "I want to hold her in my arms and tell her that her father loved her enough to make this sacrifice. Mother, don't you want to see your granddaughter someday?"

Nodoka sat stony faced for several awkward minutes before she finally spoke, "No, this is unnatural and immoral. I forbid you to have a child this way!"

"Mother…" Akane was shocked. She thought they were getting through to Nodoka, but now this, "you can't mean that? Think about…"

Akane was suddenly cut short as the room filled with a stifling atmosphere. She could barely breath it was so oppressive. When she realized that it was Ranma's battle aura projected at a level she had never felt from him before, she gazed at her husband in wonder. She expected to see him grim faced and ready for combat, but instead his eyes were filled with tears and his lower lip was quivering.

"No mother!" Ranma's voiced boomed through the house and it seemed as if the very foundations trembled, "We didn't come here for your permission. We came here to ask for your blessing. If this is the best you can do, then just don't say anything. I've seen the face of my daughter, I've stared into her beautiful blue eyes and I've felt the touch of her tiny hands. If I'm doomed never to see that face again until I die, then you might as well hand me one of those damned swords of yours right now. That way she and I can cross the river together before nightfall."

Ranma thrust his open hand towards his mother and held it there like a rock standing before the ocean. Akane was staggered. She had never seen Ranma like this before. Even when he was about to fall into the Nekoken state he had more control than this. If Nodoka were foolish enough to hand him a sword at this moment, Akane had no doubt her husband would lie dead on the table within seconds.

"Genma," Nodoka said in a shaky frightened voice, "do something."

Akane looked to her father-in-law. He might be able to subdue Ranma, but there might not be much of a house left around them by the time he did. Genma looked down at his lap for a few moments and then stared across the table at Akane. The tiniest of smiles appeared on his face and then he turned towards his wife.

Genma reached over and took one of Nodoka's hands from her lap. He held her clenched fist in his own massive hands and said, "Wife, I love you." Nodoka blinked and turned to face him, "I love our son and our daughter and our grandsons too," he said nodding to Ranma and Akane, "but I still have enough love left in my heart for a granddaughter. I would be content for the rest of my days just teaching my grandsons the Art, but wouldn't you like a granddaughter to teach the tea ceremony to or cooking or flower arranging? Think for a moment about the result and not how the boy plans to get there. He is a master of Anything Goes after all." Genma smiled and kissed his wife's hand.

Nodoka blushed and bowed her head. When she looked up again her face had a more serene look to it, as though she had somehow come to grips with this at last. She reached across the table with her free hand and picked up one of the cookies from the plate. Placing it gently into Ranma's outstretched hand she smiled at him and asked, "I'm not saying I entirely approve of this, but have you thought about a name for my granddaughter yet?"

Ranma relaxed and the atmosphere in the room settled. He closed his hand around the cookie and sat back on his heels. Then he took a bite and said with his mouth full, "Well, we were thinking about calling her Ranko."

o o o

All characters in this story are a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely coincidental.

This work is copyright © 2006 by Juliet Carnell, it is not public domain and all rights are reserved. This work is not for publication. This work may not be reproduced, distributed or sold in any format or media. This work may not be included in any collection without the express written permission of the author. The reader may make one printed or electronic copy of this work for personal use.

Author's Notes:

(1) Secret ninja jutsu – this is a reference to the anime Naruto, about young ninja trainees with magical powers.

(2) Ki - meaning "life force" or "spiritual energy" this refers to the oriental concept that energy produced by the living body can be manipulated through training and discipline.

(3) Sanzu River or River of Three Crossings - most Japanese people believe that on the way to the afterlife the dead must cross this river.