(Popeland's office, Freeport)
Popeland: Welcome to another chapter of Nosgothic grudge match!
Took me long enough didn't it?! But now I'm on holidays expect......er.... Shorter gaps between irregular updates!
Review response time!
HealerAriel: Umah and Kain fight you say? Hmmmm..... well I'll see what I can manage!
Concept of a Demon: Arghh!! Caps Lock, My only weakness!
But I updated! Ha, no taunting for me
VladimirsAngel: Who doesn't love it when Kain and Raziel clash and Raziel end up humiliating himself?
When... apart from Raziel
OmegaXSabre: "I don't even have an ass!" was from the unpublished 3rd chapter of the Willendorf wide chatroom where Kain and Raziel had a similar insult fight
Oh and I come in three forms too! Popeland, Popeland2000!! And I can't believe it's not Popeland!
LoKFan101: And a joke telling chapter it is!
And how your going to wish you hadn't suggested one
Abbil: I never had muses....
Although perhaps I should get some! Someone get me a Muse making kit!!
Twillight Tenshi: Of course you can have a sweeping brush!
hands Tenshi a Anti Elder God Sweeping Brush
Now defy the wheel of fate while you clean!!
........ personally I never got over the guilt of depriving the Sarafan of their sweeping brushes....
Oh cruel fate!
TaintedHound: Yes, everyone likes Yu-Gi-Oh based LoK Duels
I mean how could you not love "Genocidal mob inspired by Moebius" card!?
Okay that's all that done.....
(there's a knock on the door)
Popeland: Oh, excuse me for a moment. Come in please!
(Umah walks into the office)
Popeland: Ah yes Umah. Well I'll cut straight to the point, I want you to come back to the show
Umah: ha! I knew the show couldn't survive without me
Popeland: er...yeah! That's it! It's not that I've spent all the shows funds on a fabulous golden crown and can't afford to hire a replacement!
Umah: ........what?
Popeland: Nothing! I said nothing!.....er.... well, so will you come back to the show?
Umah: I'm not sure...... I don't know if I could stand Marcus. I mean all I want is a considerate and charming co-presenter
Popeland:............ This is Nosgoth, you know
Umah: ... Okay, Good point. Fine, forget about the respect thing. I'll come back if you double my pay!
Popeland: am.....Okay then
Umah: Good!
(Umah skips happily out of the office)
Popeland: takes out a calculator okay.. lets see. I was paying her nothing before..... so if I double that... ah! I think I can afford that all right!
(popeland puts the calculator into a desk drawer and then he looks around to make sure no one can see him. Once he is sure he takes a Golden Crown out of his desk and puts it on)
Popeland: Mmmmmmm.... Snazzy...
Voice Over: Yes! It's time again for
NOSGOTHIC GRUDGE MATCH!!
With your host, Marcus!
(Marcus walks looking smug and superior as always)
Marcus: Welcome once again to Nosgothic grudge match! With me, Marcus! The embodiment of awesomeness!
And apparently the Brothels weren't hiring as, Umah's back!
(Umah walks on stage and punches Marcus on the jaw. Marcus sails gracefully through the air and leaves a Marcus shaped hole in the floor)
Umah: It's the little things like that I missed!
Marcus: from the hole Perhaps I should fell lucky! It's usually and extra $1. 50 for the rough housing! Bwhahah!!........er.... could someone please help me out of here now?
Umah: Fat chance.
Tonight's Grudge match is between Janos and Malek! You might say that they don't really have a grudge but Malek knew the guy Killed Janos...... and Janos's did indirectly lead to Malek being damned forever... that's gotta be worth something right?
Well the real reason is that a Certain Uberlord has threatened Fisticuffs if we don't have one
So lets go over to Anarcrothe who's interviewing one of the participants
(Scene changes to Janos doing some grocery shopping. Suddenly Anarcrothe jumps out of a pile of potatoes)
Janos: ARGHHH!!!
Anarcrothe: what's wrong!? Didn't give you a fright did I?!
Janos: What the hell are you doing?!
Anarcrothe: Well I have to hide, I mean your one of the many people who have had restraining orders against me so I can't just walk up to you.
Janos: Hey! you were rooting though my Bins! I had to get that order!
Anarcrothe: Me?! Rooting in bins?! I was browsing! Browsing!! Anyway that's not why I'm here. I have around one minute to conduct this interview till the Sarafan arrive and arrest me!
So how do you feel about facing Malek?!
Janos: Well, I must say I'm.....
Anarcrothe: no time, no time! Is there any specific event you want!?
Janos: I'd probably...
Anarcrothe: Great! Great! How do you react to Malek's claims that you are infact "A big Poof"
Janos: A what!?
Anarcrothe: Personally I think it's the leather pants
Janos: Oh, I'm getting fashion tips from Two-Face in a bath robe!
Anarcrothe: Well excuse me! I obviously don't realise what true style is you befeathered Smurf!
Janos: shut up!
Anarcrothe: And what if I don't?! Eh!? Bwhaha!!
Sarafan: Hey! there he is! get him!
Anarcrothe: Time for this alchemist to fly!!
(Anarcrothe jumps into a trolley and rolls out of the supermarket cackling to himself. The Scene switches back to the studio)
Umah: ....is it me or does Anarcrothe become more detached from reality with each passing day?
Marcus: still in the hole Your saying Anarcrothe detached from reality when you prance around in hail, rain or snow wearing clothes visible only with a microscope!?
Umah: ......You've already done the clothes insults. I'm beginning to think your running out of ideas
Marcus: sullenly Yeah and your running out of Braincells but you don't see me telling everyone...
Umah: Yes I do! You were handing out pamphlets saying it yesterday!
Marcus: I was bored!!
Umah: I don't know why I even talk to you... Anyway lets go over to Dumah for the event selection
(Scene switches to a cave. Dumah smiles maniacally at the camera)
Dumah: Yes, It's me! Welcome to the greatest part of the show! It's just super!!
Elder God: muttering to himself perhaps I slipped him a little too much prozac... Still can't be too safe, he is related to Raziel...
Dumah: So lets spin that wheel!!
(Dumah spins the wheel)
Dumah: Round and round it goes! Where it stops, no body knows!
Elder God: I'm hoping for a "Feed the Elder God your souls and Worship him as a god match!!"
Dumah: ... that's probably not going to happen
Elder God: Hah! That's what the ancients said!
Dumah: .....er........ okay... but look! the wheels stopping!!
(The wheel stops on Joke telling match)
Dumah: Ah! A battle of humour and wit! Sounds Fantastic!!
Elder God: Bah! I can't handle all this happiness.. must think of something really, really depressing...
Dumah: what was that Elder god me old buddy!?
Elder God: Everyone you know and love is dead!!
Dumah: Yeah! They are! Aren't Vampires great?!
Elder God: hmmmm...... this may be trickier than I thought
(Scene switches back to the studio)
Umah: Joke telling match eh? Should be good
Marcus Still in the hole Wow.... This hole is deep.. I'm so low I'm on the same level as your moral standards
Umah: ...Your not going to get out of there if you keep insulting me you know
Marcus: Well in that case send someone to collect my stuff and have them bring it here!
Umah: ....lets just go to the match.....
(Camera shows Janos and Raziel)
Janos: Raziel..... I don't know any jokes
Raziel: Don't worry! I wrote out a few for you!
(Raziel hands Janos a sheet of paper)
Janos: What are these!? Why did Ariel love Nupraptor? Cause he gave good head?!
Raziel: Bwhahaha! It's funny cause Kain cut off Nupraptor's head and the head was used to restore the pillar of mind! And that's good! You geddit!?!?
Janos: This is horrible! Why is the Elder God always laughing?!
Cause he is eternally pleasant!?!?
Raziel: Oh that's a good one! Cause he once told me that he was eternally present!
Janos: Raziel, you're a Twit.
(Meanwhile at Malek's side)
Malek: I can't think of any good jokes!
Sarafan Raziel: Don't worry! I wrote out a few for you!
(The Sarafan Raziel hands Malek a sheet of paper)
Malek: Why did no one like the nature guardian?!
Because he was the Bane of the circle!?
Sarafan Raziel: Bwhahaha!! Bane! Geddit!?!?
Malek: Raziel... you're a genius! With these I can't lose!!
Raziel: I've rigged your bow tie to spin in case you get in trouble though
Malek: Unlikely! With these jokes I am invincible!
(The scene changes to the Main Stage where a rather bored Bane stands)
Bane: Welcome to the Natcholm comedy festival. I've been asked to host it because since I wear antlers on my head 24/7 it's been decided that I must be a funny guy...... well I'm not
So lets get Janos and Malek out here so I can get paid
(Janos walks out smiling nervously while Malek bounds out enthusiastically )
Bane: Janos, your first
Janos: erm..... okay lets me just say that if you don't laugh..... er....... I'll kill you!!
(crowd erupts with laughter)
Faustus: in the Crowd Hahah! Janos, vaguely threatening! Oh that's funny!
Malek: That's nothing! Why would no one go on a date with the dimension guardian!?
Because Azi was a mutt!?
(Crowd Remains silent but off stage Raziel and his Sarafan counter part you laugh uncontrollably)
Raziel: in tears from laughing oh that's a good one!!
Janos: Hey you were on my side!
Raziel: Yeah but did you not hear that?! I'm backing Malek all the way!
Janos: ha! what do I care! Why would I want the support of a creature who scampers around Nosgoth with no clothes and no job! If it wasn't for his obviously lack of one, he'd be known as a bum!
(Crowd erupts into laughter once more)
Malek: wait till you hear this one!! Why had the balance guardian no friends?
Because she was two faced! Bwhahahaha!!
(In the distance a cricket chirps.....)
Janos: still shouting at Raziel Anyone else worried that the entire fate of Nosgoth is left in the hands of a creature that is so thick he tried to drown a Rahabaim!
(Crowd laugh and clap)
Malek: Why couldn't Mortainius get the dark entity exorcised? Cause possession is nine tenths of the law!
(a tumble weed blows past. Janos turns away from Raziel to look at Malek)
Janos: Suspicious Judging from what I've heard their Raziel's jokes... all I need to be sure is a "Blow giant hole in the wall, destroy the furniture, ransack entire house" Who's there? Joke
Malek: Nervously Are you suggesting I didn't make them up!?
Janos: Well considering there written on note paper with the words "From the desk of Raziel the Sarafan" written in pink in the top corner I suppose I am
Malek: well......I ....Am...... Run away!!
(Malek leaps out a window)
Bane: I suppose Janos wins by default. And his jokes didn't make us cringe when we heard them
Janos: Wooohoo!! I am champion!!! .......wait a minute! What jokes?! I didn't say any jokes!!
(Back at studio Umah looks aghast. Marcus who managed to claw his way out of the hole only to see the contest stands with a look of disgust on his face)
Umah: that was..... well.... Verging on the painful
Marcus: ...... normally I'd use this occasional to make a hurtful remark about you but......damn..... Malek's jokes were horrible!
Umah: For once your right
Marcus: huh.... I guess we agree
(there's an uncomfortable silence)
Marcus: oh and ..er..... those jokes sucked so much they might put you out of a job!
Umah: Phew! I was getting worried we might have to end the show on a note of agreement!
(Umah spins around and kicks Marcus in the head. Marcus topples backwards to the ground)
Umah: Thanks for watching Nosgothic Grudge match! And please, join us again next week!
(Screen fades to black and the credits roll to the faint sound of Malek being beaten up for subjecting the world to those jokes)
Popeland: ah...... everything is as it should be!
Once again Any suggestions for Grudge matches will be gratefully excepted.
I'll probably only 2 more chapters of this fic anyway.
I want people to have happy memories of a Yu-Gi-Oh Duel and A scathing Insult trading match!
Anyway, Please Review!!
Popeland: Welcome to another chapter of Nosgothic grudge match!
Took me long enough didn't it?! But now I'm on holidays expect......er.... Shorter gaps between irregular updates!
Review response time!
HealerAriel: Umah and Kain fight you say? Hmmmm..... well I'll see what I can manage!
Concept of a Demon: Arghh!! Caps Lock, My only weakness!
But I updated! Ha, no taunting for me
VladimirsAngel: Who doesn't love it when Kain and Raziel clash and Raziel end up humiliating himself?
When... apart from Raziel
OmegaXSabre: "I don't even have an ass!" was from the unpublished 3rd chapter of the Willendorf wide chatroom where Kain and Raziel had a similar insult fight
Oh and I come in three forms too! Popeland, Popeland2000!! And I can't believe it's not Popeland!
LoKFan101: And a joke telling chapter it is!
And how your going to wish you hadn't suggested one
Abbil: I never had muses....
Although perhaps I should get some! Someone get me a Muse making kit!!
Twillight Tenshi: Of course you can have a sweeping brush!
hands Tenshi a Anti Elder God Sweeping Brush
Now defy the wheel of fate while you clean!!
........ personally I never got over the guilt of depriving the Sarafan of their sweeping brushes....
Oh cruel fate!
TaintedHound: Yes, everyone likes Yu-Gi-Oh based LoK Duels
I mean how could you not love "Genocidal mob inspired by Moebius" card!?
Okay that's all that done.....
(there's a knock on the door)
Popeland: Oh, excuse me for a moment. Come in please!
(Umah walks into the office)
Popeland: Ah yes Umah. Well I'll cut straight to the point, I want you to come back to the show
Umah: ha! I knew the show couldn't survive without me
Popeland: er...yeah! That's it! It's not that I've spent all the shows funds on a fabulous golden crown and can't afford to hire a replacement!
Umah: ........what?
Popeland: Nothing! I said nothing!.....er.... well, so will you come back to the show?
Umah: I'm not sure...... I don't know if I could stand Marcus. I mean all I want is a considerate and charming co-presenter
Popeland:............ This is Nosgoth, you know
Umah: ... Okay, Good point. Fine, forget about the respect thing. I'll come back if you double my pay!
Popeland: am.....Okay then
Umah: Good!
(Umah skips happily out of the office)
Popeland: takes out a calculator okay.. lets see. I was paying her nothing before..... so if I double that... ah! I think I can afford that all right!
(popeland puts the calculator into a desk drawer and then he looks around to make sure no one can see him. Once he is sure he takes a Golden Crown out of his desk and puts it on)
Popeland: Mmmmmmm.... Snazzy...
Voice Over: Yes! It's time again for
NOSGOTHIC GRUDGE MATCH!!
With your host, Marcus!
(Marcus walks looking smug and superior as always)
Marcus: Welcome once again to Nosgothic grudge match! With me, Marcus! The embodiment of awesomeness!
And apparently the Brothels weren't hiring as, Umah's back!
(Umah walks on stage and punches Marcus on the jaw. Marcus sails gracefully through the air and leaves a Marcus shaped hole in the floor)
Umah: It's the little things like that I missed!
Marcus: from the hole Perhaps I should fell lucky! It's usually and extra $1. 50 for the rough housing! Bwhahah!!........er.... could someone please help me out of here now?
Umah: Fat chance.
Tonight's Grudge match is between Janos and Malek! You might say that they don't really have a grudge but Malek knew the guy Killed Janos...... and Janos's did indirectly lead to Malek being damned forever... that's gotta be worth something right?
Well the real reason is that a Certain Uberlord has threatened Fisticuffs if we don't have one
So lets go over to Anarcrothe who's interviewing one of the participants
(Scene changes to Janos doing some grocery shopping. Suddenly Anarcrothe jumps out of a pile of potatoes)
Janos: ARGHHH!!!
Anarcrothe: what's wrong!? Didn't give you a fright did I?!
Janos: What the hell are you doing?!
Anarcrothe: Well I have to hide, I mean your one of the many people who have had restraining orders against me so I can't just walk up to you.
Janos: Hey! you were rooting though my Bins! I had to get that order!
Anarcrothe: Me?! Rooting in bins?! I was browsing! Browsing!! Anyway that's not why I'm here. I have around one minute to conduct this interview till the Sarafan arrive and arrest me!
So how do you feel about facing Malek?!
Janos: Well, I must say I'm.....
Anarcrothe: no time, no time! Is there any specific event you want!?
Janos: I'd probably...
Anarcrothe: Great! Great! How do you react to Malek's claims that you are infact "A big Poof"
Janos: A what!?
Anarcrothe: Personally I think it's the leather pants
Janos: Oh, I'm getting fashion tips from Two-Face in a bath robe!
Anarcrothe: Well excuse me! I obviously don't realise what true style is you befeathered Smurf!
Janos: shut up!
Anarcrothe: And what if I don't?! Eh!? Bwhaha!!
Sarafan: Hey! there he is! get him!
Anarcrothe: Time for this alchemist to fly!!
(Anarcrothe jumps into a trolley and rolls out of the supermarket cackling to himself. The Scene switches back to the studio)
Umah: ....is it me or does Anarcrothe become more detached from reality with each passing day?
Marcus: still in the hole Your saying Anarcrothe detached from reality when you prance around in hail, rain or snow wearing clothes visible only with a microscope!?
Umah: ......You've already done the clothes insults. I'm beginning to think your running out of ideas
Marcus: sullenly Yeah and your running out of Braincells but you don't see me telling everyone...
Umah: Yes I do! You were handing out pamphlets saying it yesterday!
Marcus: I was bored!!
Umah: I don't know why I even talk to you... Anyway lets go over to Dumah for the event selection
(Scene switches to a cave. Dumah smiles maniacally at the camera)
Dumah: Yes, It's me! Welcome to the greatest part of the show! It's just super!!
Elder God: muttering to himself perhaps I slipped him a little too much prozac... Still can't be too safe, he is related to Raziel...
Dumah: So lets spin that wheel!!
(Dumah spins the wheel)
Dumah: Round and round it goes! Where it stops, no body knows!
Elder God: I'm hoping for a "Feed the Elder God your souls and Worship him as a god match!!"
Dumah: ... that's probably not going to happen
Elder God: Hah! That's what the ancients said!
Dumah: .....er........ okay... but look! the wheels stopping!!
(The wheel stops on Joke telling match)
Dumah: Ah! A battle of humour and wit! Sounds Fantastic!!
Elder God: Bah! I can't handle all this happiness.. must think of something really, really depressing...
Dumah: what was that Elder god me old buddy!?
Elder God: Everyone you know and love is dead!!
Dumah: Yeah! They are! Aren't Vampires great?!
Elder God: hmmmm...... this may be trickier than I thought
(Scene switches back to the studio)
Umah: Joke telling match eh? Should be good
Marcus Still in the hole Wow.... This hole is deep.. I'm so low I'm on the same level as your moral standards
Umah: ...Your not going to get out of there if you keep insulting me you know
Marcus: Well in that case send someone to collect my stuff and have them bring it here!
Umah: ....lets just go to the match.....
(Camera shows Janos and Raziel)
Janos: Raziel..... I don't know any jokes
Raziel: Don't worry! I wrote out a few for you!
(Raziel hands Janos a sheet of paper)
Janos: What are these!? Why did Ariel love Nupraptor? Cause he gave good head?!
Raziel: Bwhahaha! It's funny cause Kain cut off Nupraptor's head and the head was used to restore the pillar of mind! And that's good! You geddit!?!?
Janos: This is horrible! Why is the Elder God always laughing?!
Cause he is eternally pleasant!?!?
Raziel: Oh that's a good one! Cause he once told me that he was eternally present!
Janos: Raziel, you're a Twit.
(Meanwhile at Malek's side)
Malek: I can't think of any good jokes!
Sarafan Raziel: Don't worry! I wrote out a few for you!
(The Sarafan Raziel hands Malek a sheet of paper)
Malek: Why did no one like the nature guardian?!
Because he was the Bane of the circle!?
Sarafan Raziel: Bwhahaha!! Bane! Geddit!?!?
Malek: Raziel... you're a genius! With these I can't lose!!
Raziel: I've rigged your bow tie to spin in case you get in trouble though
Malek: Unlikely! With these jokes I am invincible!
(The scene changes to the Main Stage where a rather bored Bane stands)
Bane: Welcome to the Natcholm comedy festival. I've been asked to host it because since I wear antlers on my head 24/7 it's been decided that I must be a funny guy...... well I'm not
So lets get Janos and Malek out here so I can get paid
(Janos walks out smiling nervously while Malek bounds out enthusiastically )
Bane: Janos, your first
Janos: erm..... okay lets me just say that if you don't laugh..... er....... I'll kill you!!
(crowd erupts with laughter)
Faustus: in the Crowd Hahah! Janos, vaguely threatening! Oh that's funny!
Malek: That's nothing! Why would no one go on a date with the dimension guardian!?
Because Azi was a mutt!?
(Crowd Remains silent but off stage Raziel and his Sarafan counter part you laugh uncontrollably)
Raziel: in tears from laughing oh that's a good one!!
Janos: Hey you were on my side!
Raziel: Yeah but did you not hear that?! I'm backing Malek all the way!
Janos: ha! what do I care! Why would I want the support of a creature who scampers around Nosgoth with no clothes and no job! If it wasn't for his obviously lack of one, he'd be known as a bum!
(Crowd erupts into laughter once more)
Malek: wait till you hear this one!! Why had the balance guardian no friends?
Because she was two faced! Bwhahahaha!!
(In the distance a cricket chirps.....)
Janos: still shouting at Raziel Anyone else worried that the entire fate of Nosgoth is left in the hands of a creature that is so thick he tried to drown a Rahabaim!
(Crowd laugh and clap)
Malek: Why couldn't Mortainius get the dark entity exorcised? Cause possession is nine tenths of the law!
(a tumble weed blows past. Janos turns away from Raziel to look at Malek)
Janos: Suspicious Judging from what I've heard their Raziel's jokes... all I need to be sure is a "Blow giant hole in the wall, destroy the furniture, ransack entire house" Who's there? Joke
Malek: Nervously Are you suggesting I didn't make them up!?
Janos: Well considering there written on note paper with the words "From the desk of Raziel the Sarafan" written in pink in the top corner I suppose I am
Malek: well......I ....Am...... Run away!!
(Malek leaps out a window)
Bane: I suppose Janos wins by default. And his jokes didn't make us cringe when we heard them
Janos: Wooohoo!! I am champion!!! .......wait a minute! What jokes?! I didn't say any jokes!!
(Back at studio Umah looks aghast. Marcus who managed to claw his way out of the hole only to see the contest stands with a look of disgust on his face)
Umah: that was..... well.... Verging on the painful
Marcus: ...... normally I'd use this occasional to make a hurtful remark about you but......damn..... Malek's jokes were horrible!
Umah: For once your right
Marcus: huh.... I guess we agree
(there's an uncomfortable silence)
Marcus: oh and ..er..... those jokes sucked so much they might put you out of a job!
Umah: Phew! I was getting worried we might have to end the show on a note of agreement!
(Umah spins around and kicks Marcus in the head. Marcus topples backwards to the ground)
Umah: Thanks for watching Nosgothic Grudge match! And please, join us again next week!
(Screen fades to black and the credits roll to the faint sound of Malek being beaten up for subjecting the world to those jokes)
Popeland: ah...... everything is as it should be!
Once again Any suggestions for Grudge matches will be gratefully excepted.
I'll probably only 2 more chapters of this fic anyway.
I want people to have happy memories of a Yu-Gi-Oh Duel and A scathing Insult trading match!
Anyway, Please Review!!