So it's only like a ... several year wait.
But anyways, WHAM.
New old chapter.
Send me cheques.
(Popeland's office, Freeport)
Popeland: On the phone... so you're not interested in the job?... Do you know anyone who is?...right, right... Look for the last time I'll fill out your quick survey if you take the job! It's great deal! ...Hello?... Hello? The jerk hung up on me!
(Popeland slams down the phone and adjusts his crown)
Popeland: Nupraptor! Get in here!
(Nupraptor enters the office)
Nupraptor: Good evening sir. Do you want me to use my psychic powers to find replacements for Umah and Marcus?
Popeland: Umah and Marcus are missing?
Nupraptor: ...wasn't that what you were talking about on the phone?
Popeland: That's what I say to anyone who calls me!
Nupraptor: Oh... right... well no one bothered to look for Umah and Marcus is still out celebrating. So will I use my I great powers?
Popeland: Nah, just let Dumah and the Elder God take this shift. They've been looking for some more airtime.
Nupraptor: oh... okay sir... Just out of curiosity if you didn't want me to use my amazing powers to find replacements hosts why did you call me in here?
(Popeland smiles and turns off the light)
Popeland: ahah! Man, your head is glowing!
Nupraptor: I hate my job...
Voice Over: Live from Subterranean Chasm Five it's...
NOSGOTHIC GRUDGE MATCH!
With your host Dumah!
(Dumah bounds out in front of the camera with a manic smile)
Dumah: Hello everyone! I'm so happy you came by! I'll be hosting today's super show!
Elder God: And I'll be helping out? Isn't that great?
Dumah: Yeah that is great! You're my best friend Elder God!
Elder God: And you're mine!
Dumah: Yay! So tonight's show is going to be super good!
Elder God: Yeah, mega super good!
Dumah: Maybe even mega super hyper good!
Elder God: I think that's pushing it a bit far man...Let's not go super uber crazy here.
Dumah: ...well I suppose. But it will probably be mega super good!
Elder God: Yes siree!
Dumah: Tonight it'd going to be my good pal Janos going against that super guy, the Sarafan Lord!
Elder God: He's so dreamy...
Dumah: ...er... He is?
Elder God: Well yeah... BO2 was all a dream right?
Dumah: ...I don't think so
Elder God: What? How the hell was Vorador there then?
Dumah: ..well...er... let's go over to Anarcrothe for the interview!
Elder God: I bet it'll be super!
(Camera switches to the demon dimension where the Sarafan Lord, a hylden and a fire demon are all chatting around a water cooler)
Sarafan Lord: Yeah apparently some purple human dude has to interview me before the fight.
Hylden: Pish, that's not going to happen. A human wouldn't survive five minutes here man.
Fire Demon: Quit implying I eat everything that comes here!
Hylden: Oh shut up Ted, not everything is... dude, quit gnawing on my arm.
Fire demon: You weren't even using it man!
Hylden: ...yeah... well anyways, how would a human even get here?
Sarafan Lord: I don't know... bus?
Hylden: Don't be ridiculous man...
Fire Demon: Yeah the bus from Nosgoth only runs on weekends.
Sarafan Lord: I suppose...
(Suddenly there's a flash of light and the Hylden's eyes stop glowing)
Hylden: Ew... it's all... blurry and misty here...
Sarafan Lord: ...er... you alright there Frank?
Hylden: Shut up NERD! Anyways, you're going up against Janos. What are your thoughts?
Sarafan Lord: Wait a-
Hylden: No thoughts eh? Is it cause you're stupid! Bwhahahaah!
Sarafan Lord: You're Anarcrothe aren't you? How did you get here!
Anarcrothe/Hylden: Reverse possession. It's basically the regular hylden possession but backwards.
Sarafan Lord: You can do that?
Anarcrothe/Hylden: apparently... anyways, are you hoping for a particular type of battle?
Sarafan Lord: well I...
Anarcrothe/Hylden: Hey look how I can bend my arm!
Sarafan Lord: Ew! You shouldn't be able to do that!
Anarcrothe/Hylden: Oh right... now I get why their was a cracking noise. Moving on, why is your head on fire?
Sarafan Lord: Well actually that's a relatively short but fascinating... Are you trying to break your other arm?
Anarcrothe/Hylden: Well I need to match don't I?
Sarafan Lord: Ew! Stop that! This interview is over you freak!
Anarcrothe: Grand so...
(The Hylden's eyes regain their greenish glow.)
Hylden: What just... ah! My freaking arm!
Sarafan Lord: You were possessed by the purple guy and he broke your arm.
Fire Demon: Yeah! And he ate your other arm!
(The Sarafan Lord glares at the fire demon)
Fire demon: Well it was worth a shot...
(Camera returns to the studio)
Dumah: ...er... I think you lost that bet buddy.
Elder God: Well it was super... something...
Dumah: Yeah... Anyways, time to go onto the best part of the show! Event selection!
Elder God: Hurrrah!
(Dumah jumps over to the event selection wheel)
Dumah: So let's spin the wheel and see what we get!
(Dumah spins the wheel)
Elder God: Let's sing the event selection songs!
Dumah: Yes! Let's!
Both: Oh super spinning wheel, Happy you make us feel!
With your pretty shine you make the day sublime!
Oh show us the battlefield and let the battle be sealed!
Cause it's super, super fun when the excitement has just beeeegunn!
(The wheel stops spinning in sheer disgust)
Dumah: Oh! It's a Super Market Sweep challenge! Sounds wonderful!
Elder God: Yep! You know I've been thinking about writing a new song about the wheel! Will you help me out!
Dumah: Sure buddy!
Elder God: Okay, so far I have. "Oh lovely wheel of event selection you give me such a..." but I can't think of an ending rhyme.
Dumah: ... er... let's go live to the battle!
Elder God: ...Was it something I said?
(Camera switch to Janos's dressing room where he is pacing about the room angrily.)
Janos: This is my third grudge match! Third! And I'm the nice guy! Why isn't it Vorador? Everyone hates him!
Vorador: I'm standing right here...
Janos: Oh don't remind me... who am I fighting anyways?
Raziel: The Sarafan Lord! Remember he possessed you and made you beat me up and then he used you to power the device before throwing you into the demon dimension!
Janos: Wow, in those two examples he went from being my personal hero to arch nemesis.
Raziel: Low blow...
Janos: Oh what are you whining about? It's not as if there's anything to hit down there.
(Camera switches to the Sarafan lord's dressing room where an equally angry sarafan lord is pacing about)
Sarafan Lord: This is my seconds grudge match! Second! And I'm the nice one!
Sebastian: ...er... you are?
Sarafan Lord: What? Of course! I protected Meridian from an army of ravenous vampires, stabilized the entire economy, brought in decades of prosperity for the people and built an expansive sewer system of the likes of which had never been seen in Nosgoth!
Sebastian: ...yeah but weren't you going to use the device to kill everyone?
Sarafan Lord: ...er... that is blatantly taken out of context! I'm docking your pay!
Sebastian: aw nuts...
(Camera switches to a large Super Marker where a very orange man stands)
Winton the Just: Hello and welcome to Super Market Sweep! With me Winton the just! The aim of this show is to dash around this Supermarket picking up as much as you can. The winner will be the one with the contents worth the most in their trolley! So without further adue let me introduce Janos and the Sarafan Lord!
(The audience claps as Janos and the Sarafan Lord walk out glaring at each other.)
Winton the Just: On your marks, get ready... go!
(They both run off down the aisles. The camera switches to Janos who is running frantically around the supermarket knocking things into his trolley)
Vorador: No Janos! Don't fill up on flays! Go for the energy Banks! The energy banks!
Raziel: Janos! Pick me up a few glyphs too!
Janos: Shut up you two! I can't find my way out of the Blood Omen 2 section yet! There's nothing in here!
(The Sarafan Lord pushes his trolley around the Supermarket with a Flame sword, Mace, Havoc and Malice, a collection of sarafan pikes and a pineapple inside)
Sarafan Lord: What now! What now!
Sebastian: Go for the Bonus Nupraptor's head!
( The Sarafan Lord makes a mad grab at the giant inflatable Nupraptor's head from the shelves)
Winton the Just: One minute remaining!
Sarafan Lord: Arghh! I haven't even made it to the Defiance section yet!
(Janos runs through each aisle with his wings extended knocking everything into his trolley or onto the floor while the Sarafan Lord uses telekinesis to lift up entire selves and tip the contents into his trolley. Finally a horn sounds signaling the end of the round)
Winton the Just: Now, we must wait till the cashiers get the total for each of our contestants.
(Awkward silence)
Winton the Just: ...sooooo
Janos: Don't talk to me.
(Several uncomfortable minutes pass)
Winton the Just: And the results are in! Janos managed to clock up an impressive 158$ but he also managed to grab the Bonus Banes antler headdress worth 150$. Bring him to a total of 308!
Janos: ahaha! Your FACE!
Winton the Just: Quite. The Sarafan Lord on the other hand managed to get 194 and with a Nupraptor's head worth... 100$! Bringing him to only 294! Not enough to catch Janos I'm afraid!
Janos: Woohooo!
Sarafan Lord: er...wait! I forgot to give you this ...er... Nexus stone I picked up!
Janos: You were wearing that when you showed up!
Sarafan Lord: You have no proof!
Winton the Just: Well that's brings you up to 314! Making the Sarafan Lord your winner!
Janos: Bah! This is your fault Vorador!
(Vorador hangs his head in shame)
Raziel: You can still win!
Janos: I can? How!
Raziel: Okay! Just stand still!
Janos Right, now wha... ARGGHH!
(Raziel plunges his claw into Janos's chest and pulls out the Heart of Darkness)
Raziel: He forgot this!
(Raziel shows the heart to Winton)
Winton:...ew... well... Okay, that brings him up to 318. Making Janos our winner again!
Janos: Owww... Yay... urgh... can I have my heart back now?
Raziel: darkly I don't know. What do you think Vorador?
Vorador: thoughtful Well they might deduct it from the total. Suppose we'd better keep it out for... maybe a fortnight?
Raziel: A wise precaution indeed.
Janos: You'll...all...pay...erk
(Janos collapses)
Sarafan Lord: Ah well... Everyone back to my place for a blood and soul buffet!
Sebastian, Raziel & Vorador: Hurrah!
Winton the Just: You know you have to put all that stuff back...
Sarafan Lord: oh ...right... cheese it!
(Sarafan Lord runs off with the trolley with Raziel, Sebastian and Vorador not far behind. Camera returns to studio/cave)
Dumah: Wow! That was mega super hyper good!
Elder God: Greatest thing I ever saw!
Dumah: Yeah!...er... Let's get some more Prozac!
Elder God: Yay! Happy days shall never end!
Dumah: jokingly And I'll be Fonzie! Ehhhhhhh!
Elder God: ahahha... yeah... but still I think I'd be Fonzie.
Dumah: Oh come on Elder God! You're not even humanoid! I'd definitely be Fonzie!
Elder God: angrily But you're not even cool!
Dumah: Cooler than you! Eeehhhhh!
Elder God: No! I'm The Cool! Comb!
Dumah: You don't even have any hair!
Elder God: And you don't have any brain, you jerk!
Dumah: Oh bite me you starter menu filler!
Elder God: enraged You take that back!
Dumah: MAKE ME!
Elder God: Bah! I'll pound you into the GROUND! Ehhhh!
Dumah: Ehhhhhhh!
(The screen fades as the Elder God starts swiping at Dumah with his tentacles while Dumah attempts to dodge and then stab him in the eyes. The credits roll)
Popeland: Well I haven't heard a better reason for the fallout of drug based friendships. But regardless of how many hosts we lose we'll soldier on!
Tune in ...er... a few years from now!
Maybe!