Tortallans in Space!
By: strawbeby
Motivation: Who the bloody hell knows…I think the donut fumes got me, since I invented this to occupy my time while filling donuts (it gets very tedious yes it does).
Plot: The title explains it all. Our favorite sheroes…and the final frontier.
(A/N: the SOTL characters are from the 3rd book, as are the wildmage, and the POTS characters. I haven't decided about where the Tricksters come from…I guess that's why (because they're tricksters lol))
Cast and Crew:
Sir Alanna of Trebond
Prince Jonathan of Contè
George, Prince of Thieves
Faithful the Cat
Veradaine Sarrasri
Numair Salmain
Skysong (or Kitten the Dragon)
Squire Keladry of Mindelan
Squire Nealan of Queenscove
Page Owen of Jesslaw
Alianne of Pirate's Coop
Nawat the Crow
Kyprioth the Trickster's God of the Copper Isles
And the only one who knows what in the world (or maybe in this case out of it) is going on…..drum roll………..dramatic pause……SQUISHY! (A/N: Squishy is my OTHER personality…she doesn't get out much…)
Alanna: What the-! Why am I here!
Squishy: I made you! You all must bow down to me!
Big Mysterious Voice (BMV): Squishy be nice!
Diane: Squishy? What squishy? Kitten, did you make squishy again!
Kitten: hisses then notices and becomes very interested in Faithful
Squishy: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! LIFT OFF! Captain we have lift off! Everybody fasten their seatbelts! starts pressing a bazillion buttons at once
Everybody: screams. What they've got G4 pressing down on them!
Numair: screaming What is going on here!
Neal: I think I've died!
Numair: Then how does that explain me!
Neal: thinks You haven't been in any wars lately have you!
Aly: Why are you two screaming! It's making me deaf!
Squishy: laughs maniacly
Jon: I think we should get rid of that thing.
BMV: Squishy stoppit, and tell them what's going on before they start dropping like flies.
Nawat: passes out from the pain of Faithful biting the back of his leg
Faithful: What? He's a bird!
Aly: I'm going to kill that cat!
Alanna: You can't kill my cat, he's already dead!
Aly: Then I'm going to feed him to the Squishy (Squishy thinking: I like the "the" to that…)!
Alanna: You do that and I'll-
Aly and Alanna: notice the odd resemblance
George: Hey Krypto, wazzup?
Krypto: Not much Georgie boy! Just the usual, borrowing your daughter to help with my own means, while trying to fend off my older siblings. Man, they suck.
George: Yeah I kno-What was that about my daughter?
Aly:looks at her young father You have got to be kidding me?
George: zeros in on Aly I have a daughter?
Jon: HE has a daughter? With who?
George:starts to tear up I'm a Papa!
Aly: mumbles as George wraps her in a really big hug Oy vey…
Neal: Um, yeah, that's all nice and all… But I would kind of really like to know where in the world I am.
Kel: Me too.
Diane: Yeah that'd be helpful.
All: look at Squishy
Squishy: gnawing on a piece of beef jerky Whaut?
Jon: Why are we here, who are everybody else here, and why are we here!
Squishy: You said why are we here twice.
Jon: I don't freakin' care!
Squishy: Alright, alright, don't get your panties in a bundle….he…hee… panties…
Alanna: Get on with it!
Squishy: professional voice Exactly why you were chosen to be present on this particular mission, I have no idea…(I think the Big Mysterious Voice is just a huge fan of you all, and was really bored(BMV: Only time Squishy has ever been right…)). But
points at Aly
That is the daughter of
points at George and Alanna
You two.
Jon and Alanna: WHAT!
George:hugs Aly tighter and starts to make up a song that is made up of the words daughter, mine, papa, and yay!
Squishy: Tee hee, I repeat, royal panties. Don't worry; it's like their future daughter…estimation about 30 years.
Jon: But…I thought…MEEEEE!
Aly:peels out of George's death gripWhat?
Jon: screams at George and starts chasing him around NO GOOD FRIEND! I SAW HER FIRST! SUPPOSED TO BE MINE! MINE I SAY MINE!
Aly: looks at Alanna Aren't you going to stop them?
Alanna: Bah! George can pound him to little princey bits in seconds, and that should teach him for being so possessive of me!
Aly: But you…and the king?
Alanna: Yeah…so?
Aly: But… UGH!
Dom: Now that we've settled that little matter-
George: That was not little! I just found out I have a daughter and now I'm being the victim of an attempted murder!
Jon: scoffs Like it's not your first!
George: But still, I'd rather not be, if it's all the same to you.
Jon: BUT I SAW HER FIRST, YOU STINKING SCOUNDREL!
Dom: getting fed up BUT NOW WHERE ARE WE?
Squishy: in a matter of fact way In space.
All: Space!
Numair: But where exactly are we?
Squishy: mutters some incoherent mumble-crap
Numair: What was that?
Squishy: I DON'T KNOW ALRIGHT! That button thingy broke and now this screen that told me the hoobijober is all fuzzy, and the point is, is that we are lost. In space.
DUM DUM DUM!
Diane: What was that?
Numair: I don't know, but I don't think I really want to find out (A/N: Good Numair. Smart mage!)
Neal: Well what are we going to do now?
Alanna: I got an idea…
three hours later
Alanna: finishes wrapping Squishy in duck tape There that should be the end of that. You know, I always wanted a punching bag that actually said 'Ow!' when you hit it."
Kel: You sure said it. Only I wish it could be a conservative.
Alanna: thinks for a second Hey, could you morph into somebody like that?
Squishy: tries really hard to say some words that would have DEFINITELY had to of been censored (A/N: Honestly… I don't know where it gets this language from!), but because of the duck tape over its mouth, can't.
Kel: Ahh, shiny silvery stuff! It's so much cheaper than actual censorship.
Dom: Like Kel would actually need to be censored.
Neal: Actually she can get pretty…censor needed when she wants to.
Dom: Nuh-uh! I don't believe you.
Kel: Actually there was that one time that I –
AND NOW WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL THE LOVED ONES OF EVERYBODY ON THIS LOST SHIP (In other words, Merric and Raoul… Yup that's about it…)
Squishy: I have all your loved ones held captive as my prisoner hostages! If you ever want to see them again, then give me all of your money! That will be all! pops off
Merric: turns back to the card game that he and Raoul were playing Got any threes?
Raoul: happily Go fish!
AND NOW BACK TO OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Scene: George is holding Aly's ears shut, Jon has forgotten about his want to kill George, Neal and Owen look proud, and Alanna looks aghast (Diane and Numair went to find Kitten who started chasing Faithful down a hallway)
Dom: looks dumbfounded Well I never…
Alanna: You can DO that?
Squishy: Hey look! A hat!
Everyone turns to see the hat that Squishy made out of the duck tape that once held it captive.
Jon: How did you get OUT!
Squishy: I dunno…But I can do it again if you ever try to contain me like that. I'm tricky.
Aly: Thanks for letting us know.
Alanna: Hey, Aly? Aren't you getting a bit worried about that bird fellow being passed out and all?
Aly: Oh, yeah. He's fine. He just really doesn't like cats.
Alanna: What's he got against cats?
Aly: I don't know exactly… He doesn't talk much about his crowy past. But it has something to do with a clothesline, a pie, and a fat ginger cat.
Kyprioth: Actually it was an immortal cat who could lay some mean archery. That other thing is just a funny anecdote.
Aly: Oh hey, Kyprioth. Where have you been?
Kyprioth: Just having a word with the Goddess about that stupid cat lover of hers attacking one of my people.
Alanna: Faithful is the Goddess's lover!
Kyprioth: Oh yes! It got really hot and heavy (though the thought of it makes me cringe, me being her brother and all), until Mithros turned him into a cat.
Alanna: Oh gee. I never knew.
Faithful: You never asked.
Alanna: I just thought you'd tell me in your own time.
Neal: whispers to Dom Is it just me or does she sound like she's talking to that cat?
Aly: I always thought she was a little whistles and points to her head
Neal: But she's your mom.
Aly: Ya…and your point is?
Alanna: Are you people talking about me!
Aly and Neal: Ummm… (Dom had backed away in time… he knew trouble when he saw it)
Alanna: Are YOU people talking about ME!
Aly and Neal: Umm…
Alanna: ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ME?
Owen: eating a sandwich Actually, I think they were.
Alanna: Well then- hey that looks good! Give me a bite!
Owen: NO!
Alanna: starts chasing Owen hungrily
George: Hey that reminds me. Squishy!
Squishy: What!
George: I'm hungry!
Everybody else in the room (besides Nawat of course) choruses: Me too!
Squishy: Yah. So!
George: Where's the food at?
Squishy: Yah…Um… I forget.
George: What! How could you forget something like that?
Squishy: I played with one too many electrical outlets as a child.
Everybody (including Nawat this time because this is the only thing he can do): …..cricket cricket …..
Squishy: Tough crowd. I dunno. Maybe I didn't pack this spaceship! Ask that kid over there that that red haired broad is chasing.
George: writes in his day planner, as he slowly says what he writes Reminder: Kill… Squishy… Later… Or… At… Least… Tell… Alanna… To…
Neal: Yo Owen! Where'd you get that sandwich at?
Owen: I dunno! I found it.
Jon: I guess that settles it. We're going to have to split his sandwich between us… starts doling out who gets what (A/N: Yawn)
Owen: polishing off the sandwich What a jolly good plan!
And that's all for right now folks. (cliffhanger, unless you couldn't recognize it) Even if I don't get many reviews I think I'm going to keep doing this. My fingers are flying with excitement!
Tune in next time to see:
Is Owen going to survive the beating he's about to get from about 7 or so Tortallans?
Are they going to find the food that was packed for them for this long and exhaustous journey?
What's taking Diane and Numair so long to come back with Kitten?
Is anybody ever going to remember that Nawat's still unconscious?
And lastly: what is going to be in the next episode in –
Tortallans in Space!
A/N: This turned out a lot differently than I planned it to be. That's what happens when I let Squishy take the steering wheel I guess (Squishy: waves from the cock pit HI!)
Disclaimer: (Everybody has to have one somewhere so I guess I'll stick it HERE!) The Tortallans used in this story are of no way connected or owned by me (despite what Squishy says). Yes, Squishy is, but that's a whole nother story (Squishy: I lost the ownership of my life in a game of cards, kay! mumbles as it walks away She cheated…)
And for those who care to review (besides THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU of course): What gender do you think Squishy is?