SDHSL Smartass

by AnotherStatsGuy

AU: In which Naegi doesn't get knocked out by Oowada's punch, but is merely dazed. And the character development takes over from there. (Currently Naezono due to story's development) Are you ready to have your emotions ping-pong like your canon experience? Author's Notes contain information. References abound. Sequel will be a crossover. (When I get to it.)

25. Knifing through the Numbers

Chapter 25

With a crossed out picture for Hagakure to the right of Chihiro, the third trial was underway. Monokuma was lounged quite comfortably. The color motif of the trial room for trial number three was blue. There were various shades of blue stripes including one that matched Maizono's hair.
. The nine participants took their positions in the circle. Two times they had been in here before, and both times they had been successful. But was the third time Monokuma's charm?
. "So how do we want to begin?" Kirigiri asked.
. "How about discussing what happened to Hagakure?" Yamada said.
. "That seems awfully vague." Celeste said. "He was murdered."
. "Perhaps, 'how' might be the better question?" Leon said.
. "You're right." Maizono said. "I'm confused just how the murder was actually executed."
. "Yeah. The wood chips in his hair say the weapon was made out of wood." Naegi said. "But the broken vase begs to differ."
. "Perhaps the vase was used as a distraction?" Yamada asked. "A red herring to muddy the water for the trial."
. "That's certainly possible." Togami said.
. "Yes, the wood chips say that the wooden object was the murder weapon." Kirigiri agreed.
. "What about the 'wooden' pool cues!" Leon said.
. "Well, what other wooden object could it be?" Genocider said, waving her tongue around. "I personally checked all the wooden legs of the desks."
. "So we agreed that the pool cues were the murder weapon." Kirigiri said.
. Naegi narrowed his eyes. Kirigiri was too eager to agree to that. He had seen the gash on Hagakure's head. The murder weapon was probably the vase. But did Kirigiri have a reason for doing that? Was she hoping to catch the true murderer off guard? But should he trust Kirigiri or call her out? Damn it, if he didn't call her out now, they would proceed down the wrong path, and get nowhere!
. "You've got that wrong!" Naegi shouted.
. "Geez, Naegi. No need to shout." Kirigiri cooly replied.
. "Kirigiri, you inspected the body. You should know that the vase was used to bash his head open. I mean, come on!"
. "Yes, I know. Naegi." Kirigiri sound peeved.
. "Wait, you knew!" Togami, pounding his fists. "So why did you say that it was the pool cues that finished him off."
. "Dick move, Kirigiri." Leon interjected. "Dick move."
. Monokuma laughed. "It's funny because Kirigiri is a girl."
. "I had been hoping to catch the culprit off-guard. But now I can't." Kirigiri sighed. "Thanks Naegi."
. "Oh, so it's Naegi's fault for pointing out one of your inconsistencies!" Maizono said. "We're supposed to solve this murder together. That's a move straight out of the book of Mr. Byakuya Togami, one of the crown heirs of douchebaggery!"
. "Excuse me?" Togami said, startled.
. "Yeah, you heard me." Maizono snarked.
. "You take that back, you blue-haired b-at-ch." Genocider said, waving her Geno-scissors around.
. "Argh!" Yamada cried. "Put those away, please!"
. "And what if you just said all that crap about 'catching the culprit off-guard' because you're the one who killed Hagakure!" Leon said.
. "What?" Kirigiri said, flatly, arms folded in exasparation.
. "Yeah, I mean you have a motive. The secret." Leon pointed out. "We've been in here how long? And we still don't know any more than your name."
. "Don't forget height, weight, and birthday!" Monokuma said. "Or have you guys not checked your Student Ids yet?"
. "So, Kirigiri. Did you murder Hagakure?" Yamada asked. "If you didn't, then prove it. Prove the motive has nothing on you. What is your secret?"
. "Alright. I'll tell you." Kirigiri repsonded. "I'm suffering from amnesia."
. "Amnesia?" Maizono said. "Meaning..."
. "Meaning... I can't remember a lot about my past. I can't even remember my past. I think someone's messed with my head."
. "We were all knocked out." Togami said. "Perhaps you just got a brunt more than the rest of us."
. "But I can't even remember my talent."
. "If I had to hazard a guess." Naegi said. "You're probably some sort of detective."
. "Yes, that makes sense."
. "Can we get back on track?" Leon asked. "Kirigiri, do you have any hard evidence that disproves the fact that you're the culprit?"
. "Unforunately, I do not." Kirigiri admitted. "I can only say that I didn't do it."
. "Hmmm, a lack of alibi does not pose well for you." Yamada said.
. "I know. But let's continue discussing anyway." Kirigiri said, unperturbed.
. "She's acknowledging her lack of alibi, and yet she still expects us to continue debate." Yamada said.
. "I have something, a particular line of reasoning, that proves Kirigiri isn't the culprit." Celeste said.
. "You do?" Leon said. "Let's hear it!"
. "She would have gotten rid of the vase." Celeste said.
. "I'm sorry? What?" Genocider said.
. "Think about it." Celeste argued. "She was pushing for the pool cues as the murder weapon even though the vase was right there and she knew it and anybody could have called her on it, which Naegi did. If she had wanted to make us believe that the pool cues really were the murder weapon, she would have gotten rid of the entire vase, or hidden it or something."
. "Perhaps she didn't have time to hide it!" Yamada argued.
. "Yaushiro Hagakure's time of death was 1:45 AM. I can only assume the room was sealed at or shortly after his death. You don't expect people to stroll around at that time of night, and that leaves plenty of time to get the classroom in order for discovery.
. "I get your point." Fujisaki said. "If Kirigiri were the culprit, she would have done a better job of hiding evidence."
. "But what if she left the evidence to make us think that!" Yamada continued to argued.
. " If you're going to commit a crime and get away with it, you want to leave as little legitimate evidence behind." Celeste said. "Especially considering what happens if you're discovered. YOU DIE! And we've established that the broken vase is legitimate evidence."
. "That point is indeed valid." Togami grudgingly admitted.
. "Wait, Celeste, you said 'get the classroom in order for discovery'." Maizono asked.
. "Yes, and what of it?"
. "But the classroom was sealed." Fujisaki said.
. "A sealed-room murder." Kirigiri said. "There are four major versions of a sealed room. The first is that the sealed room has been created after the end of the crime."
. "And what are the other three?" Celeste asked.
. "I'm getting to that." Kirigiri replied, testily. "There's a sealed room that exists before the murder occurred."
. "Huh?" Yamada asked.
. "Think of it as a long-range murder." Kirigiri replied. "But I doubt this one qualifies."
. "Moving on to number three?" Maizono asked.
. "The culprit is inside the room when the seal is broken. They then pretend to have stumbled upon the murder scene, and slip away in the crowd."
. "And number four?" Fujisaki asked.
. "It never really was a sealed room. And there's a secret way for the culprit to have escaped. It shows up a lot in detective fiction." Kirigiri said.
. Togami paused for a moment. Kirigiri knew more than she was letting on.
. "So can we cross any of them off?" Leon asked.
. "Well, since Fujisaki broke the seal, what was it like when you entered?" Kirigiri asked Chihiro.
. "I can't remember much because I was so focused on the body." Fujisaki admitted. "But I do know that there was no place to hide."
. "So we can cross off number three." Celeste said.
. "We can also cross off number four." Kirigiri said. "Or does Classroom 1-A have a secret passage that only the culprit knows about, Monokuma?"
. Monokuma chuckled. "My answer is building was built as a school, and I have changed nothing about this school, structurally-speaking."
. "So that's a no then." Naegi said.
. "I doubt very much that it's the second scenario either." Togami said.
. "And what makes you say that?" Leon asked.
. "Fujisaki said that the door was sealed shut." Togami said. "With the metallic coverings over the windows, the only way in or out of that classroom is the door."
. "So it's the first scenario." Genocider said. "Say, Cherry, do you know what was sticking the door to the door frame?"
. "If it recall, it was some sort of glue." Fujisaki replied.
. "Yeah, like that glue Fujisaki and I found in the prep room!" Leon said.
. "What?" Maizono asked. "You guys found glue?"
. "Yes, it was spilled over." Fujisaki said.
. "Alright, so the door was sealed with glue." Togami said.
. "So that's how they created the sealed room." Celeste said. "Is everyone in agreement?"
. "Wait, how can we trust Fujisaki's word that the room was sealed?" Yamada asked.
. "I'm sorry?" Genocider pointed out. "You're accusing Cherry of murder?"
. Fujisaki panicked. "Oh, wait, guys, please I didn't do it!"
. "Relax." Naegi said. "I think what Yamada is saying that you might have opened the door awkwardly originally. It's possible the door just didn't fit right in the frame. I mean, after all, my shower door doesn't quite open right in my bedroom."
. "What?" Yamada said. "And how can we trust that information? You could be making it up as fake evidence to cover for Fujisaki."
. "Cover for Fujisaki? How absurd." Kirigiri said. "Naegi knows the risks. I can only assume he is telling the truth about his shower door."
. "Your credibility is not very good right now, Kirigiri Kyoko." Togami pointed out.
. "But I can verify it!" Maizono said.
. "What?" Yamada said.
. "I was there when Monokuma told Naegi about his misaligned shower door." Maizono argued.
. "Seriously?" Leon asked.
. "That first night." Maizono replied. "Enoshima and I went to check up on Naegi."
. "When was this?" Yamada asked.
. "At four in the morning." Naegi muttered.
. "Can you blame me?" Maizono asked.
. "You should have seen them, guys." Monokuma said. "Maizono and Enoshima were lezzing it up."
. "No, we weren't!" Maizono shouted.
. "Shame I missed it." Yamada sighed dejectedly.
. "You pervert, it never happened." Maizono said, cutting across Naegi.
. "Do you have any proof besides just your word?" Yamada asked.
. "Did you just ask that to continue the theme?" Togami said.
. "Okay, important question. What do these conversational tangents have to do with Hagakure's murder?" Leon asked.
. "I think you mean conversational derivatives." Fujisaki said.
. "See, that! That! That is what I'm talking about." Naegi asked. "Who the hell cares? Conversational derivatives vs. Conversational tangents? What's the difference between a derivative and a tangent anyway?"
. "In the context of flat lines, there's no difference. The derivative of a function is the tangent line of said function." Fujisaki said.
. "Can I assume that you picked this bit of information up from the Calculus textbook?" Togami said.
. "Yes, you can." Fujisaki replied.
. "Say, Celeste, wouldn't you know calculus as well?" Leon asked. " I mean, you are the gambler after all."
. "You idiot, you're confusing calculus with statstics!" Celeste said.
. "Sorry... I was never really that much of a mathematical person." Leon said.
. "But how is that possible? I mean, for a sport, baseball is pretty number-driven." Yamada pointed out.
. "We're getting off-topic again." Naegi said. "We know how the classroom was sealed. It had the glue that Leon and Fujisaki found in the recreation room, and that Fujisaki pried it open with a knife."
. "Really?" Genocider said, in a sarcastic tone.
. "Yeah, Fujisaki and I found the glue in the rec room." Leon said. "I mentioned it earlier."
. "Wood chips. Pool cues. In Hagakure's hair." Naegi started muttering to himself, something only Maizono picked up.
. "Wait, did you say wood chips?" Maizono said.
. "Yeah." Naegi said.
. "I remember seeing some wood chips in the incinerator room." Maizono said.
. "If so... that would mean..." Naegi started.
. "Yeah, yeah, it would... especially considering the glue in the recreation room." Maizono finished.
. "Wait, what in the world do you two just agree on?" Togami asked.
. "Well, I think the culprit might have used the pool cues as a first weapon to stun Hagakure before killing him with the vase." Naegi explained.
. "But wouldn't the pool cues have snapped?" Leon asked. "The culprit very well couldn't put them back in the recreation room."
. "That could provide an additional use for the glue/superglue." Naegi said. "The culprit originally attempted to glue the fractured pool cues back together so that he could put them in the recreation room and throw off any evidence of them of being used."
. "And what evidence do you have for that?" Togami asked, frustratedly. The trial was not going his way at all. As someone who was used to being in control in these sort of situations, it was disconcerting to see someone else dictating the tempo.
. "The spilled glue that Leon and Fujisaki found in the recreation room." Naegi said. "My guess is that
the culprit attempted to use glue to put the splintered pool cues back together."
. "Why in the recreation room?" Celeste asked.
. "Probably to give himself a partial alibi in case he were discovered." Naegi said. "Think about it. All the culprit has to say if someone walks in on them is that they broke the pool cue in frustration and took the glue out of the store room to fix it themselves."
. "A partial alibi?" Genocider said. "Either an alibi is full or it isn't."
. "Not necessarily." Kirigiri said. "Say a murder takes place over a long period of time. A partial alibi can make things easier."
. "I see." Leon said. "So knowing where someone is part of the time is better than not knowing where they were all of the time."
. "Exactly."
. "But, what's the use for creating a partial alibi?" Naegi asked. "I mean, the time of death was 1:45 A.M."
. "It might have aided them anyway. You never know who could be walking around." Yamada said.
. "I think it's because if they successfully glued the pool cue back together, then they can just put the pool cue away, and no one would have known." Maizono questioned.
. "So the culprit must have thought they had enough dexterity to get it done." Leon said. "Hey wait a minute, Kirigiri, you're wearing gloves, and they interfere with dexterity."
. "Exactly, I was waiting for something to get that. More proof that I am not the culprit."
. "Couldn't you have just taken the gloves off?" Yamada asked.
. Monokuma chuckled. "Even I would like to see what's under those gloves."
. "Enough. There you go." Celeste said, cutting off Yamada. "The only way that Monokuma can't know what's under Kirigiri's gloves is if she has never taken off. She would have needed to take them off to glue the pool cues back together. That's two seperate lines of reasoning, one backed by Monokuma himself, that says Kirigiri is not the culprit. And unless you can poke a legitimate hole in either of them, Kirigiri can be safely assumed to not be the culprit."
. "Why are you so insistent on defending Kirigiri?" Togami asked.
. "Because I don't think she did it."
. "Is she secretly a lesbian?" Genocider Shou taunted. "I think that must be what her secret is."
. "No, I'm not a lesbian. Whatever gave you that idea? My secret is something entirely different."
. "Prove it!" Genocider said.
. "What?"
. "Tell us what YOUR Secret is! Kirigiri already did hers!"
. "No. They're supposed to be our darkest secrets. Why would reveal them?" Celeste angrily replied.
. "Kirigiri probably has multiple secrets. Secrets that nothing even Monokuma knows about." Togami said.
. Kirigiri smirked.
. "Don't get so ahead of yourself. I'm not supporting you. I'm just saying that you probably have a card up your sleeve." Togami remarked.
. "And that bothers you, doesn't it?" Kirigiri replied.
. "Excuse me?"
. "You like being able to call the shots. Well, what happens when you can't call the shots. One of these days something is going to happen that is out of your control."
. "Anyway... can we get back on topic now?" Naegi asked.
. "So it appears we've figured out the murder weapon." Maizono started. "We've also figured out how the culprit was able to seal the room. We've even eliminated some suspects, mainly Kirigiri and Fujisaki."
. "So that leaves seven possible candidates." Fujisaki said. "Naegi, Maizono, Celeste, Leon, Togami, Yamada and Genocider."
. "We've got a one in seven chance at this rate." Leon said, scratching his head. "I say, we vote for Yamada."
. "What, how dare you?" Yamada said. "Anyway, a one in seven chance is still only 14.2%"
. "Is it?" Celeste said.
. "Well, I'm about to narrow it down further." Kirigiri said.
. "How's so?"
. "Do you guys remember that Maizono was attacked?"
. Various nods of agreement went out.
. "Maizono, can you say exactly what happened?" Kirigiri asked.
. "Well, I was out of my room at about 1 AM." Maizono said.
. "Why?" Yamada asked.
. "Shut up. It doesn't matter why." Celeste said.
. "And anyway, I saw a shadowy figure go into the incinerator room." Maizono continued. "So I followed them, but there was nobody there. Next thing I know I hear a voice, and it ends by saying "say nothing of what you've heard tonight or else you or Naegi will be murdered before the class trial."
. "So what was said before?" Celeste asked.
. "I don't really want to say yet. But I can tell you that it narrows me and Naegi out of the equation."
. "So that's why you didn't bring it up before now?" Leon asked.
. "Exactly, I didn't want to give my attacker an opening."
. "So that rules out you and Naegi." Kirigiri said. "Now we're down to one out of five."
. "It's not myself, Leon, or Celeste." Togami said. "We all have alibis."
. "Dude! This didn't come up before... because?" Naegi said.
. "Because it was a complete and total coincidence all three of us had alibis with each other." Togami said. "And just because Genocider Shou is obsessed with me doesn't me I'm willing to just bring this up."
. "Fair enough."
."So now we've got a one in two chance." Fujisaki said.
. "I can say we're making some real headway."Leon said.
. "Genocider Shou, did you murder Yaushiro Hagakure?" Togami asked. "And tell the truth!"
. "No, my White Knight, I did not." Genocider said, lovingly.
. "And then there was one." Leon said, as everybody turned to Yamada.
. "What, guys, I didn't do it." Yamada pleaded. "And how can we trust those alibis of Togami, Celeste, or Leon. What were you guys doing anyway?"
. "Oh, Celeste was attempting to murder Leon and myself. At least until Maizono interrupted her." Togami cooly replied.
. "That seems awfully convienent for an alibi." Yamada said.
. "Yes, well someone can only kill two people." Celeste said. "I wasn't expecting Togami to come. How did you know?"
. "I saw the note that you left outside Leon's door." Togami said.
. "What note?" Celeste asked. "I didn't leave Leon a note."
. "Say what?" Leon asked.
. "I got a note to meet you in the Physics Prep Room." Celeste replied. "I brought the knife along in case of self-defense. See here it is." Celeste produced the note.
. "Hey, it's identical to mine!" Leon said.
. "I can vouch for that." Maizono said. "After I got knocked out, I walked out of the incinerator room. And I saw Celeste carrying the knife. "
. "Then what was that spiel about killing me?" Leon said.
. "I thought you had made your intent to kill me first. So I figured I would put on a little show to get you to back off." Celeste replied.
. "Are you just saying that to save face?" Togami asked.
. "Question for the ages?" Celeste replied.
. "No, I don't think so. If the two notes are identical, that means the same person wrote them." Kirigiri said. "A third party."
. "So Celeste has just given her intent to kill not one, but two people. How do you know she didn't just waltz off from her failed attempts in the Physics Prep room and go kill Hagakure?" Yamada pointed out.
. "That's ... actually a good point." Naegi said. "Celeste?"
. "Do you have anything to defend yourself with, Celeste?" Leon asked.
. "Actually, you and Togami." Celeste said.
. "What the hell does that mean?" Naegi asked.
. "Hey, you can't use my White Knight for your own defense." Genocider said.
. "Well, my point is this. Say I killed Leon AND Togami. Then I can't kill Hagakure." Celeste argued.
. "Oh, that's rich. I didn't kill Hagakure because I was too busy attempting to kill Leon and Togami." Yamada pointed out. "That's a real poor defense you're mounting."
. "And yet it makes sense." Kirigiri said.
. "Well, maybe it's because Hagakure was a fall back victim." Yamada countered. "A release valve in case all of her scheming for Togami and Leon fell apart."
. "Except Togami wasn't supposed to be there." Celeste said.
. "Then why did you bring two knives?" Yamada asked.
. "In case, the owner of the note managed to disarm the first knife, stupid." Celeste replied.
. Naegi caught it, and so did Kirigiri.
. "And that's checkmate, Yamada." Kirigiri said.
. "What?" Yamada replied. "I don't know what you mean."
. "I mean, nobody ever mentioned two knives." Kirigiri said. "Maizono said that she saw Celeste carry a knife. She never mentioned two knives."
. "And yet, somehow you knew it." Togami said. "How did you know? Unless you were up at the time of Hagakure's murder, watching us?"
. "You know, all of a sudden, it makes sense. Every single one of your suggestions." Naegi said. "The fact that you were obstructing us all the way. You kept making accusations. It all makes sense. You were trying to deflect suspicion onto someone else from the get go."
. "So you killed Hagakure." Celeste said. "What's your justification? Unlike Enoshima and Oogami who were a double knockout or Fukawa who killed Oowada out of fear for her own safety after Ishimaru died. You straight up murdered Hagakure. Or was it self-defense?"
. "You know, not everything involving Yaushiro is cut-and-dry." Yamada replied.
. "What do you mean by that?" Leon asked. "Sure Hagakure may have been kinda an airhead, but he was an okay guy."
. Yamada chuckled as Celeste went dead silent. The lenses of his glasses appeared to be dead white, and a shadow seemed to loom over his forehead.
. Monokuma was about to wrap up this trial.
. "Alright, everybody. It's time to cast your votes."
. Ding. Ding. Ding.
. "Your votes are correct. Hifumi Yamada killed Yaushiro Hagakure." Monokuma laughed uproariously.
. "All right, Monokuma, before you start. Can I go and complete one action?" Yamada asked, as he staggered over to Celeste and dropped his backpack at her feet. He leaned in and whispered a few words into Celeste's ears, who's eyes went wide with shock.
. "What was that?" Togami asked. "What did you say?"
. "Sorry. But that's between Celeste and a dead man." Yamada replied.
. Monokuma revived up Yamada's execution.
. "I call this one: 'Watch out, Booko! Giant Monster Invasion.'" Monokuma laughed.
. "My god." Naegi said. "You have individual names for executions? How much planning went into it?"
. With Yamada trapped in the middle on a platform next to a rioting Monokuma, a giant monster came over. The two began to fight. It was graphic.
. "You'll never take me alive, giant Booko!" At least, Monokuma was enjoying it.
. The monster roared and firing an attack at Monokuma and by proxy Yamada. Monokuma fired his shot. Both hit Yamada, and within half-a-second he was dead. Hifumi Yamada was dead. His corpse laid on the descending platform.
. Naegi clinched his fits. "Damn it, Yamada, why did you have to be so vague with your motives? You didn't say anything about what motivated you to kill a classmate."
. "No closure, huh, Makoto? That bothers you? You're too soft." Monokuma said.
. "Am I?" Naegi said. "Excuse me for preferring everybody remain alive."
. The remaining students gathered into the elevator and went back to their dorm rooms. Day nine had been very exhausting.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was originally thinking of making trial three a two parter, but I just didn't have enough content with a 4,000 words per chapter mark. I was also going to have Yamada drop a couple of Neon Genesis Evangelion references and about how the anime motivated him to take up his hobbies (considering he would have been three or four when it first came out) but since I haven't watched the whole series yet, and it didn't fit, I scrapped it.