Court Ordered Diet

by Surplus Imagination

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Dudley Dursley and the other characters of the Harry Potter Universe belong to J.K. Rowling. This writing is for pleasure only. No profit is intended.

A/N Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! We are almost done. Only one or two chapters are remaining. We pick back up in Harry's bedroom. Snape has unexpectedly offered to buy Dudley's (?) Kneazle.

Let's Make a Deal

Dudley Dursley may be fat, slothful and somewhat stupid, but he did know how to get the best out of a bargain. Looking out for number one, himself, was a skill he had perfected over the years.

"I might be interested. What are you offering?" Dudley answered, rubbing his hands together.

Harry could see that Snape was taken aback by the previously cowed teenager. Dudley's manner had lost all submissiveness. The boy sat back on his heels causing his stomach to mushroom out over his knees. The scratches on Dudley's face were starting to redden and swell, giving the boy a rakish look.

"I do have some funds at my disposal. How does fifty pounds strike you?" Snape offered smartly.

Harry's brow furled in confusion. Snape was bargaining? And he appeared completely comfortable doing so. Harry couldn't help but wonder where Snape was going to get fifty pounds and how he knew what they were.

"Fifty pounds?" snorted Dudley. "Are you off your nut? This is a valuable animal. It's worth more than fifty measly pounds." Dudley leaned forward slightly. "What makes you think that I want money anyway?" To emphasis his point, Dudley waggled his eyebrows up and down, suggestively.

"Indeed? Well, how about gold or precious stones? I have a few items to offer," Snape said, lifting his wand. "I can have them here in a thrice."

Harry felt his forehead for fever. Surely he was hallucinating. Snape was going to casually do magic? Here? In his bedroom? And why wasn't Dudley panicking at the sight of the wand? If anything, Snape's quick counteroffer gave Dudley even more confidence.

"What would I do with something like that?" Dudley snorted. "I have plenty of money. What would I do with gold or stuff? No, I want Rita."

"Rita?" Snape asked warily. He turned toward Harry. "Is that a thing, or a person?"

"That's the girl Dudley keeps asking out. She keeps turning him down," Harry replied with a shrug. It was really strange that he felt so good when he was obviously sick. This just couldn't be happening.

"That's right, Rita. I want you to make sure Rita goes out with me," Dudley said, chins wobbling. "Oh, and I want her to kiss me, too."

At this Snape's eyebrows shot up to the ceiling. "I am certainly not a matchmaker, or a . . . a . . . a . . . ,"

"Pimp," Harry finished for him, lying back down. Maybe if he closed his eyes and opened them again, the world would return to normal.

Snape shot Harry a black look. "I'll thank you, Mr. Potter, to stay out of things." Snape turned back to Dudley. "Would a potion to enhance your attraction suffice?"

"What's that?" Dudley asked, turning to Harry, who was now busy wiggling his toes.

"He's offering you a potion to make you more likable to Rita. A love potion. Right, Professor Snape?" Harry grinned wickedly at the ceiling. "Wouldn't that violate about half a dozen Muggle Acts?"

"Not if one is clever," Snape gritted out. "I suggest that you keep your opinions to yourself. I would hate to inform the Headmaster of your Uncle's problems."

Ok, so it was time to abandon that line of thought. This was a very strange day. Harry gave his toes one more flex and sighed. "Can anyone tell me how I scraped my foot?"

"Your foot snagged on the railing in the stairwell," Snape growled.

"Will it get me a kiss?" Dudley interrupted. "I definitely want a kiss."

Snape turned back to Dudley. Harry was gratified to hear irritation in the low, gravelly voice. He stopped wiggling his toes to turn on his side to watch the exchange. Dudley was still kneeling on the floor with a broad smirk on his face. Snape still crouched petting the Kneazle. Harry wished that he had a camera. Ron & Hermione would never believe him without a picture. Maybe he could borrow a Pensieve somewhere.

"There are no guarantees as to the extent of her response. But yes, I will make it strong enough that even you, Mr. Dursley, should be able to get a kiss in the bargain." Snape stared Harry down as if to dare him to speak again. Harry threw his hands out in submission.

"I suppose that will be okay. I just need a foot in the door, so to speak," Dudley said. "A foot in the door and the Dursley charm will work its magic." Dudley turned to Snape and leered, "Girls can't resist me."

"Except for Miss Rita, apparently. Very well, Mr. Dursley. It's a bargain." Snape snapped and started to stand.

"Not so fast," Dudley said, struggling to his feet. A newborn hippopotamus would have exhibited more grace. "I want the love-thingy . . . and . . . and . . . and . . . I want you to rip up that paper you made Harry sign." Dudley gave a decisive nod. "Yes, both of those things, plus the fifty pounds."

"I thought you didn't want money?" Snape roared.

"I have to be able to pay for my date with Rita, you know," Dudley explained.

At this moment, the Kneazle started rub figure-eights around Snape's legs. Harry watched in amazement as his least favorite professor's face softened at the sight. Who would have thought that Snape was a cat person?

"Very well, the potion and the fifty pounds. However, I cannot rip up the paper Mr. Potter signed. It is a wizard's oath and cannot be voided." Snape stooped and scooped up the Kneazle. The creature actually started purring and gently patted Snape's nose with its paw. "There's nothing that I can do," Snape trailed off.

"No deal," Dudley declared.

"What?" both Snape and Harry exclaimed.

Harry pinched himself, hard. This was so not happening.

"Are you both deaf? I said 'no deal'," Dudley replied. "Give me back that cat." Dudley reached for the Kneazle only to be rewarded with a hiss and a swat.

Harry's dumbfounded surprise at Dudley's declaration was only exceeded by what happened next. When Dudley reached for the Kneazle, Snape pulled the animal back into a protective embrace. "Let's not be hasty, Mr. Dursley." Snape paused to sooth the spitting creature. When the Kneazle calmed, he looked back up. "I cannot rip up the agreement. However, Mr. Potter is still free to pursue a potions education from a source other than my class, provided that it is not named 'Advanced Level Potions'. Will that information seal the deal?" Snape coolly offered.

"Dunno. Will it, Harry?" Dudley responded.

"Where would I get another potions education?" Harry asked, bewildered.

"Hire a tutor. Take a correspondence course. Study on your own. Ask that insufferable Know-It-All Granger to design a program and monitor your progress. I care not," Snape sharply replied. "Any half-decent Slytherin would have figured out the loophole in this agreement as soon as the ink dried." Snape turned to Dudley. "Do we have a deal?"

Dudley nodded. "Don't forget to make it strong enough for a kiss. A big one. And the sixty pounds, too."

"The deal is for a potion and fifty pounds, Mr. Dursley," Snape snapped. "Do not irritate me further. And do not forget my warnings about your weight-loss efforts." Dudley gulped his agreement.

"Mr. Potter, I expect you to tell no one of what transpired this day. There are events that can put us both in an unfavorable light." Snape's eyes glittered as he paused. The Kneazle rubbed its head on the underside of Snape's chin appealingly. "You should expect word from the Headmaster before the week is out," he continued. "Do not make me come back here to correct your self-neglect. You need to eat regularly and stay hydrated." Snape paused once again, seemingly lost in thought. After a full minute, he sighed and moved toward the door cradling the Kneazle in his arms.

"Yes, Professor Snape," Harry answered. It had been a confusing day. He would have to think long and hard to sort this one out in his head.

"I will owl the potion and the money to you by Wednesday, Mr. Dursley." Snape said as he left the room. "I can see myself out, gentlemen."

With that, Severus Snape was gone.

Harry laid back down on the bed. The euphoria the potion had garnered seemed to be fading fast. He suddenly wanted nothing more than a long nap. Well, maybe a shower first, then definitely a nap. His eyes seemed to close on their own accord. As Harry drifted off, he vaguely heard Dudley get up and leave the room muttering, "Now that was interesting."

TBC

There is just one more chapter to go. This story will bridge into Book 6 with Dumbledore taking Harry to the Burrow for the rest of the summer. I'm considering an epilogue of letters from Dudley through the rest of the summer. Would such a thing interest you? I'm wavering on the subject.

Also, it would be a real treat to me to breech 100 reviews for the story. If you are enjoying yourself, please drop me a line. Thanks for reading!

Surplus Imagination