Since the miscarriage Jordan had somewhat shut down, she'd end up crying herself to sleep at night. Wanting to see her daughter. Other times she stayed dead quiet, afraid to say anything. Like her father, he never thought before he spoke. She didn't wanna say anything she'll regret.
One day she had been at Antonio's gym boxing, she had all of her gear on punching the bags long and hard. A sheer look of anger on her face as she threw punch after punch, kick after kick. Antonio, Jay and Adam just watched with wide eyes, they knew Jordan had a temper, they often saw it but not like this.
"Should we tell her to calm down? I think she's gonna break the bag" Adam says quietly.
"You tell her to calm down, she may just put you on the floor" Antonio told him just as quietly.
Jay had gone over to her. "Easy there killer"
She stopped and took off her gloves and grabbed her water bottle and drank some of the cold water. "I'm fine Jay"
"Jo, it's ok to not be ok. You went through an unimaginable loss. It's normal for you to feel whatever you want"
"It's getting late. I have a meeting then therapy. Please don't follow me"
Jordan had put on her sweater, tossed her stuff in her bag tossing it over her shoulder and jogged out of the gym. She'd been avoiding her miscarriage like the plague. Acted as if it never happened, she was stuffing her feelings and emotions down again. They all feared she may hit rock bottom again, only this time she may not come back.
She'd been at Antonio's gym for hours and hours training, she hit every teen NA, AA meeting she possibly could, and still went to her father's mandatory therapy sessions at Med with Dr. Charles. She even then still refused to bring it up.
"We gotta do something to help her guys, she shouldn't be going through this alone" Adam said first.
"What do we say? She lost her brother and her baby in a matter of months. I don't think any of us knows what to say to help" Jay responds.
"We can't just let her spiral again"
"Enough both of you. You both have points, but until Jordan reaches out we can't do anything" Antonio told them.
While
Jordan was running as fast as she could, adrenaline pumping through her body. Her heart raced in her chest. Sweat dripped off her face. Her legs burned and ached but she pushed through it all. She ended up stopping to catch her breath, she hadn't realized she stopped in front of Bunny's bar.
The older woman saw the young teen and went over. "Jordan, hi honey"
She glared viciously at the woman. "You have two seconds to get the hell away from me before I do something I won't regret"
"I heard about your baby. I'm sorry"
The teen didn't know what happened before she and Bunny could even blink, she pinned the woman to the brick wall. Anger had burned fiercely and heavily in her eyes, her hand on Bunny's throat. For a brief moment when Bunny looked at the teen, it was as if she was looking at a pissed off Hank, except in female form.
"If that EVER crosses your tongue again I cut it out. Don't think I haven't forgotten what you did to me. Erin may go easy on you, well guess what. I'm NOT Erin. I'm far worse than her, you ever come an inch near me or bring up my baby. I'll show you exactly how much I'm my father's child. Stay the hell away from me or I swear on everything I love, I will destroy you. Do you understand me?" Jordan's tone was cold and dangerous.
Bunny wasn't the type of person to get scared a lot. She was never scared of Hank or her own daughter. Hell she hadn't known Jordan could get this angry, she remembered when she met the girl she was the sweetest kid. Now she was older with a fierce temper that easily matched her father's.
She was in so much shock and speechless she couldn't speak let alone move a muscle. The older woman remained glued to her spot, her eyes wide. When she didn't say anything it pissed Jordan off more. The fourteen-year-old pulled a switchblade, it belonged to her brother and she carried it everywhere she went.
The teen gritted her teeth as she held the knife, the tip of the blade right at Bunny's throat. "I said, do you understand"
"Y-yes. I understand"
"If you or anyone you know comes near me, I gut you like a fish"
"Understood"
Jordan had let her go when she was free, Bunny had gone to slap her and as quickly as she could the teen grabbed her wrist and twisted it painfully behind her back. After making a move there was a sickening snap in the older woman's wrist as Jordan broke it.
"Never be that stupid again"
Jordan had shoved her down and stormed away, the teen had been grieving hard since the loss of her daughter. She had been in slight denial refusing Will's diagnosis but it had sunk in that her daughter was gone and not coming back. She would never experience what it was like to be pregnant. Feel her daughter kick inside her, wonder if her daughter would recognize her voice.
Lately she'd been angry, angry at herself, the world, she'd snap on people and not mean it. She'd also been feeling herself wanting to slip back into old ways. The urges came strong and hard, she was very tempted. The fourteen-year old wanted to feel something, she wanted to feel numb again. Just shut off from the world. Numb was better than feeling what she was feeling. Angry, depressed.
She just wanted to scream, scream as loudly as she could. Till her throat was raw and she couldn't anymore. Instead she bottled it all down. She had been isolating herself from everyone to avoid snapping at them.
The teen had walked to where the teen NA and AA meetings were at, she'd tried to talk but when she did she got choked up. If anything she sat and listened in the back. Like her father, she wasn't good at opening up on her emotions. She bottled them down till she exploded. She sat in the back listening, her hand twirling her brother's knife.
Someone had sat beside her and she glanced to see Adam. "What are you doing here?"
"It was either here or you'd be with Dr. Charles. Will got worried when you didn't go there for your session he called Jay. We'd figure you'd be here"
"Well as you see I'm fine so you can go back and tell Jay and the others, I'm fine"
"Jo, you're not fine. If anything we're all worried about you"
Her eyes began burning with tears. She felt herself wanting to break down instead she went outside. She hated when people saw her crying. It made her feel weak and powerless. Adam followed her. Jordan was pacing around ready to explode.
"Just let it out Jo. I'm right here. Yell, scream, cry, hel hit me if you want, do whatever you need to let it out"
"It was my fault. I did something wrong. She died because of me" The teen cried. "My baby died because of me. I did something wrong"
"Honey, no. You didn't do anything wrong. She didn't die because of you" He kept his tone soft.
"Yes she did! I did something wrong and she's gone. She's gone because of me Adam"
When she finally turned to see the young officer, tears had been falling from her eyes. Her body was shaking. One of her hands covering her mouth to hide the sobs.
"It's all my fault, I never knew. If I had known, maybe she'd still be inside me and not dead. I..I didn't use. I didn't drink. Just someone, anyone tell me what I did! Just tell me what I did to lose my baby. What did I do Adam? What did I do?" She had fallen to her knees crying, letting down her guard.
Adam stood there, his own tears falling. Life was always a bitch. He always knew bad stuff happened to good people for no reason at all. When he saw Jordan and everything she suffered and endured, she suffered more than anyone he's ever known. No mother, losing her father and brother to jail, Justin being murdered, Olive taking her nephew and leaving, her multiple suicide attempts, her addiction, getting pregnant and now losing the baby. And she was still standing after all of it.
He bent down to her level and hugged her, the teen felt his arms. She had attempted to hit him to let some of the anger out but her arms had been too weak as she just dissolved into his arms crying. What he wouldn't do take her pain. He'd rather suffer instead of her, he was afraid they would get a call and it would be her.
"None of what happened is your fault Jo. I promise. It was nothing you did. These things, they just happen. You didn't do anything wrong"
"Either way you see it, I did. I betrayed my dad, you. Maybe..maybe I'm not meant to be a parent. I'm not meant to have a kid"
"Hey" His voice was still soft but firm. "You are meant to have a child, just not right now. You're still a kid yourself. You have all the time in the world to have a child just when you're older, settled down and you're ready. Not when you're a kid. Having a child is the biggest responsibility ever. Between you and I, I think you'd be an amazing mother. And you will be some day. Just not today. Miscarriages just happen Jordan, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. They just happen for no reason" He had wiped her tears from her face. "And you, my little partner in crime didn't do anything to betray me"
"I went to a party, got high and drunk then slept with your informant and tried to run away with him"
"That doesn't mean you betrayed me. You made a mistake and you both know it will never happen again"
"Who's taking care of her Adam? Where is she? She was a baby. Someone's gotta be looking after her"
"When I was about your age, I lost my grandmother. I was really depressed because we were close. I'd ask my dad all the time where she'd go. He always told me, she's somewhere very happy. She can never get sick again. She won't feel any pain. She can be free and do what she wants. She's back with her family, the ones she lost and I know every day she's watching over me and that no matter what she'll always be with me right here" He pointed to his heart. "I believe that Anna, she's in a better place. She's happy, healthy, she won't get sick or feel any pain" This may get her a little. "I also believe that your mother and brother will look over her and watch her for you. She'll never be alone where she is and no matter what she'll always be with you here" He pointed to her heart.
Her lip wobbled as new sobs escaped her lip, new tears came to her eyes. She had cried into his already soaked shirt. She'd been bottling everything up and slowly she'd been letting it all out. Adam placed a soft brotherly kiss to her head.
"Just let it out my partner in crime, let it all out. I gotcha" He whispered.
She grabbed a fistful of his shirt in her fingers clutching him tightly, she was trying to ignore and block out the urges that flooded her body. Coming up behind Adam were Antonio and Jay. Jordan looked to see the other two detectives, with Adam's help she got off the ground and she brushed herself off. She hugged Antonio first, he'd been like another father to her besides her own and Alvin. Once she broke the hug she hugged Jay, the detective wrapped her protectively in his arms. For the first time she had felt a little better as if she could try and move forward.
"Before Hank sends a search party, let's get this one back to him" Antonio spoke.
They all chuckled, Jordan had an idea. "Before we go back, I need to ask Casey something. Do you guys mind a quick ride to 51?"
"Sure thing kiddo"
They had driven to 51 when they had gotten there, Jordan got out and looked at them. "I'll be right back boys"
"Whatcha asking Casey?" Jay asked.
"You'll find out"
She went from the car to find the Truck Lieutenant. Casey and the other members of truck had been doing drills when they stopped when they saw the young Voight. They all had heard what happened but never knew how to address it.
"Jo, are you alright?" Casey asked worriedly.
"I don't know yet. But I will be" Jordan answered, as honestly as she could.
"We heard about what happened kiddo, we're all really sorry" Hermann says.
"Thanks Hermann"
Suddenly the teen had been jumped in a surprise hug by Mouch, she wrapped her arms around him.
"Good to see you too, Uncle Mouch"
"Are you doing ok?" Mouch asked, highly concerned.
"I'm doing ok. I promise" She looked at Casey. "I was kinda hoping for a favor. If you don't mind"
"Could I possibly borrow some of your tools and wood from your construction job? I'm starting on a project"
"Absolutely"
Going over to his truck he grabbed some left over wood from a previous job and gave her his tool bag. She had gone to load it in the car with Casey's help. The truck Lieutenant looked at her curiously.
"If I can ask, whatcha need the stuff for?"
"I'm making something, hopefully to help me move on from this"
"If you need anything, you have us"
"Thanks Matt"
He gave her a brief hug and she got in the car, she looked at Antonio. "Can you take me home? I have a project to do"
"What kind of project?"
"You'll see"
The three had taken her back to her house, they knew she still shouldn't be alone so one of them had to stay with her. Adam had agreed to stay. Jordan went to the back yard with the stuff and started. Adam went with her and watched her.
Jordan was measuring and cutting the wood, once she made the cuts she needed and the wood in the right size pieces she had started building. She had been making a wooden cross in honor of her daughter, she had been making two. The other one was going to go to Kyle, she was his daughter as much as she was Jordan's. Anyone losing a child was gut wrenching and painful.
She now knew how her father felt after losing her brother, she understood his pain of losing a child. Her child. It was something nobody, young or old, ever wanted to experience. It left a void, a hole inside her that would never go away. When she lost her brother, it destroyed her. It took a long time to rebuild herself. She was gonna do right by him. She was going to do right by her mother, brother, and daughter.
Deep down she knew they wouldn't want her to destroy herself again or her future. She knew they'd want her to move on and be happy. To try and find happiness of some sort. The destructive life she once had was no more, that was long gone. Her future was looking bright. It's what they would want, it's what her father would want.
About 2 hours later the two wooden crosses were finished and she was engraving them with the name,
ANNA.
On the bottom it read
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.
Adam walked over with some tea for her. "They look beautiful kiddo"
"I'm not gonna fall like I did with Justin. She- Anna would want me to move on and be happy. Live a good life. Not a destructive one. Anna would want me to honor her name, not taint it. I know I'm too young to have a kid now but someday when I do have a kid. I'll be the best damn mother I can be" Jordan had sounded a lot older and wiser than anyone her age.
The young officer smiled and held her. "I'm so proud of you Jo"
"I've had a lot of wise people teaching me" She picked up the first cross and held it.
Getting up from her spot she went to dig a small section in the dirt and gently placed the cross in and buried it in the dirt. She had made sure to secure it and made sure it was tightly in the ground. Brushing the dirt off her hands she stood to her full height and looked back at Adam.
"I need your help with one more thing"
"Name it"
Kyle was at his place since the miscarriage, he'd been sprialing out. Jordan's baby would have been his first child; he would have done anything for Jordan and the baby. He was drinking heavily to the point he'd pass out most days. He'd often get high just to try and imagine what his daughter would look like.
A knock had broken him from his thoughts; he stumbled going to the door he opened to see Adam with Jordan. Adam had stood beside the teen should Kyle get out of hand. He knew the young guy had been spiraling out and he's been trying to help him as much as he could.
"We come in peace man" Adam told him.
"Wha..what are you guys doing here?" Kyle slurred.
Jordan walked in when she saw the liquor and beer bottles all over, followed by the white powder on the small mirror and she resisted the temptation. Turning she looked at the young informant.
"I made this for you" She passed him the second wooden cross. "I know both of us are young and we've both been dealing with a lot and going through our own problems but. I know deep down our daughter wouldn't want us to taint her name. She'd want us to honor it by fighting through this and being better people. You don't have to do all this Kyle" She pointed to the booze and the powdered drugs. "You can make a better life for yourself. It's going to be hard I know, I've been going through and living in hell the past few months after I lost my brother. I was so blinded by my own grief, I ignored and pushed away everyone who wanted to help me. I lost my mom when I was a baby, I grew up with my dad and my older brother. My brother was my best friend I could have ever asked for. Right after my nephew, his son, Daniel turned one. He was.. He was murdered. I had this hope he'd wake up but they said if he ever did he wouldn't remember us, he wouldn't remember how to do anything. My sister in law couldn't make that decision so she asked my dad, he..he pulled the plug taking my brother off life support. I held my brother's hand as he died taking his final breaths of life. I'd never felt so broken before, I never grieved my mom because I was so young. When Justin died my whole world came apart, I was hit by so much grief, so much pain, I grieved my mom and my brother. I was just so damn angry. Angry at myself, the world, everyone in my life. I started spiraling out of control, drinking, using, I almost killed myself a couple times. I was almost raped at a party because I trusted the wrong person. The night when you busted on me, my dad had me arrested and put in a jail cell. That night I started to change my life because I knew my mom and brother wouldn't want me to live that life. They'd want me to live, move on, make something of myself. Just like I know Anna would want us to do the same for her. Don't go down that dark path Kyle. Be a person, be a man she'd want you to be. Make something of yourself. There's more to life than booze and drugs. You have so many choices you could do. You can still turn your life around and be someone Anna can be proud of. She may not be here with us physically but she will always forever be in our hearts. She won't be in any pain, she'll never get sick, she won't ever get hurt. And she's being watched over by two of the best people I know. Do it for her, for Anna. You have Adam, you have me, you won't ever be alone. There are AA meetings you can go to, NA, therapy. I do it all. If you're scared to go alone. I'll go with you. If you call Adam, I'm sure he'd go with you. You're not alone in this, I understand your pain. If you ever need help you have Adam's number, you know where to find me. Don't do something you'll regret"
The young man had taken the cross and looked at it, his fingers tracing over the letters that were engraved on it. Tears falling freely from his eyes, he wiped his eyes. He looked at her.
"Thank you"
"Anytime. I'm here if you ever need to talk, cry, vent. You know how to find me"
She had hugged him and he hugged her, she had swallowed the lump in her throat as she held him. Once they knew Kyle was alright Adam had taken the young teen home. He glanced at her as he drove.
"I'm so proud of you kiddo"
"Thanks Adam"
She held her head down and he caught sight of it. "Hey, what's wrong"
"I understand how my dad felt. When he pulled the plug on Justin, I knew he was hurting. I understand it now. Losing a kid, even a baby. It.. it left this hole in me that I don't know how to get rid of and it's like no matter what I do. It won't go away. Nothing makes it go away"
"Time. Over time it may go away, it may not go away but it's going to take time. It's not gonna go away overnight. It's one of those things that take time to heal. Time heals all wounds"
"You sound like a fortune cookie"
That had caused the young officer to chuckle. He patted her shoulder. "You're gonna be alright"
"I have family to help me"
"You always will"
Adam had taken the young teen home, Jordan went to the backyard and sat in one of the chairs and just stared at the homemade cross she made. She had sat there the rest of the day. Soon it was dark, the night sky was lit up by the bright full moon and twinkled by the stars.
Jordan just remained sitting in the chair looking at the cross, Hank walked into his house and it was quiet. So quiet he could hear a pin drop he heard from Adam that Jordan was in the backyard. He walked out there after turning on the light.
When the light turned on the teen looked back and saw her father. "Hey dad" Her voice cracked, she'd been crying.
Without a word he went over and wrapped her in his arms, loosely Jordan wrapped her arms around her father as she buried her face in the crook of his neck as a new round of tears came. Hank smoothed his daughter's hair back.
"I know sweetheart, let it out. Let it out. I got you. Daddy's here"
After a few minutes, Jordan pulled back from her father. He wiped her tears away and held her head up some for her eyes to meet him.
"Adam said I didn't do anything wrong. But I still feel like I did"
"You didn't do anything wrong. These things, they just happen" He took a breath. "I'm going to tell you something, nobody knows. My first wife, Camille, when she was pregnant. She was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl"
The teen's eyes widened. "I have a sister?"
"Justin came out first, then when the little girl came. We let the doctors and nurses do their thing back then. The baby girl was stillborn"
"I..I'm so sorry daddy"
"Camille, she never talked about it. We never told Justin he was a twin, we didn't wanna lay all that on him. We never had the heart to do it. We asked the doctors if it was something we did or didn't do. It wasn't anything we did or didn't do. These things just happen. Jo Jo, what happened with your baby, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. It just happened. You didn't do anything wrong. Bad things like this just happen sweetheart. No reason or explanation. They just happen"
"Does it ever go away? The pain?" She sniffed, biting her lip holding in the sobs.
"I try to think over time it gets a little easier to deal with. But it will always be there, no matter what"
"I don't know how to let her go without it killing me"
He glanced to see the wooden cross in the yard. "I think you already have. Accepting something like this is hard because you don't want to believe or accept that it's true. But the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start to heal"
"I'm scared. What if..what if I slip?"
"I'll be with you the whole way, I won't let anything happen to you. I promise. You're not alone"
"You wanna see the cross?"
He gently smiled and nodded as they walked over to it, they sat on the ground. The father and daughter stared at it. Jordan leaned into her father Hank wrapped an arm around her.
"I ran into Bunny today," Jordan muttered, knowing her father might have a temper.
That slightly enraged him but didn't do anything. "What did she want?"
"She brought the baby up. I literally almost killed her. She went to hit me, I broke her wrist"
"I'll take care of it"
Jordan had been physically and mentally exhausted as she softly mumbled falling asleep against her father. Hank held his daughter and gently rubbed her arm as she was asleep. There was a slight breeze in the air and it gently flew by the father and daughter. A smile creeped on Hank's face looking up at the nighttime sky.
"Thank you Anna, thank you Justin. For watching out for her when she needed it. I don't know what I would do if I lost her" He muttered.
Out of three children Hank had, he's lost two of the three. He wouldn't begin to imagine what would happen if he lost his little girl. He shoved all that out of his mind for the time. For the moment he just sat with his daughter in their backyard, he held her as she slept and he looked at the cross in memory of his granddaughter.
….
Readers, I have another story called, Prime Suspect. Read and enjoy!