Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: T
Pairings: Yuki/Kyo
Warnings: implied Boy x Boy pairing – please do not read if you do not like it.
Summary: At the end of the day, there's only one reason for my hatred. For me, it's an obligation to hate him, and nothing will ever change that. I cannot change that. I must hate him, I have to hate him.
Other: A one shot. Complete.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.
It's My Job To Hate Him
I know. I know when he's happy or sad. Depressed or frustrated. Angry or delighted. Scared or brave. I just know it all.
I don't know why I can tell these things. I shouldn't care that I do. It's probably because I'm observant. I can read people easily.
But I can't, can I? I know I can't. I'm the worst when it comes to… people. I'm the stupid cat, after all. I'm not good at anything. Except for reading him. Pffh. Of all the things in the world I could be good at…
So howdo I know him so well? Whydo I know him so well? I mean, I hate him, don't I?
I've known him since we were born, just a couple of months apart. Coincidence. That's what it was. But what different lives we would end up leading.
He had everything I didn't. Favoured (in a sort of way) by Akito. An accepted member of the Juunishi. Popular with people in general. Smart, kind, intelligent, and amazing. Handsome, strong, charming, and popular. Everything I wasn't on the outside.
Plus the fact that it was written that the rat was the one who had caused the cat to become an outsider. If it wasn't for him, then my life would be completely different.
And I hate him for it, don't I?
I'm meant to hate him, right? Because it is how it was written. The rat versus the cat. The cat versus the rat. One against the other, for all of eternity. Forever enemies, always hated by the other.
But… what am I to judge him based on a story? I hate it how people judge me and look down on me because I'm the cat. I hate it. So whydo I judge him based on his written past? Whyam I so unfair? The rat from the past wasn't him. Hell, did that stupid story actually ever happen in reality!
I've always tried to stop from looking too deep into his soul. But I just can't stop myself. I feel like I'm drowning into his violet orbs of pain and sadness each time I see him. I can sense the shivering cold aura he emits, the grief and hurt he carries in his heart. I've always known, always felt it.
But I ignore all that. I ignore that he's also in pain, just like all of us; just like me. Maybe hating him, maybe blaming him for something ridiculous that has nothing to do with him is a… façade.
I've always known that he never actually hated me. It was me who started the whole process of hating. Because… I….
I wanted to shield myself from the truth. The truth that frightened me, and still scares me to the very core. The secret I will never tell anyone, especially him.
I know how alike we actually both are, even though I am hot tempered, he calm. I'm frustrating to be with, whilst he's charming. I make stupid remarks and he knows what to say whenever whatever the weather. We appear to be so far apart in habits, temperament, interests and society.
We look different too, my bright orange hair contrasting with his shining silver locks; mine ruffled in a mess whilst his lies in soft layers, framing his thin face. His slender feminine figure compared to my broader, more muscular build. My tanned, rough skin looks ten times darker against his soft, milky pale complexion. And my fierce, maroon red eyes distinctly different than his mysterious, violet orbs.
But we're actually very similar. Inside we… understand one another. We both suffer pain, sadness, heartache. We both hide our secrets from the world. We both want something we don't possess.
From the way he talks and looks at me, I can tell what mood he's in. If he fights me, I can immediately know how bad a day he's had. From just a slight body movement, or a word to a friend, I can notice if he's staying put in reality, or stuck in his inner world of turmoil.
But why do I know these things? Possibly because we're so similar in mind, both suffering different pains inside. Possibly because I've grown up around him, despising the rat the cat could never be. Possibly because I've always tried to keep an eye on him to watch his every move, pondering how to defeat him.
No… that's not right. Yes, we both suffer immense pain, but are our heartaches so different? I've grown up around him, but did I spend most of that time despising him? I've always watched him, but was that really because I was trying to figure out his weakness so I could defeat him in battle?
No… I never started off hating him. I've always admired the rat. Like I said, he was everything I wasn't. But instead of me hating him because of this, I actually looked up to him, wished with all my might that I could be him. I wanted to be nearer to him, to be close to him… To be friends with him.
Not only was he amazing at everything, and so beautiful, I could tell he held a deep sadness in his heart. A burning pain that I knew would understand and accept me. A person who would see into my soul and comprehend the darkness lying there. I wanted someone like that. I needed someone like that. I needed him.
So I admired him from a distance when I did not know he was the cursed rat. When I discovered his true identity, I became scared. Was I not mean to hate this boy? Was I not meant to be enemies with him? Was I not meant to fight against him and regain my Sohma pride?
I was meant to, of course. But I didn't want to.
So I began to tell myself not to see him as a friend, but as my rival. Instead of trying to always catch a glimpse of him, I turned my back as quickly as possible. I did all I could to make myself hate him. It was meant to be.
Akito helped me hate him. Gave me an even better reason to hate him. My confinement… If I could beat the rat I need not be confined. But… If I hadn't opened my big mouth to Akito he never would've set me this impossible challenge. That prick just loves making people's lives hell… All of us… him… me…
But I still admired him. Nothing could really change that. True feelings are… the truth.
And soon that hate developed into a façade I lived with for a long time. I could feel the anger and contempt rise in me automatically the moment I saw that silver haired rat, without myself even having to summon it. The whole process became second nature to the real feelings beating inside my heart.
But I wanted to help him. I really did. This longing… desire… to make him happy. To be able to know that I, the cat, could make someone happy. But instead, I was making him sad and miserable. I was increasing his sadness all the time with my words and actions. By pushing him away. By making him hate me.
My heart… hurt all the time.
I squashed those emotions down like they were… nothing. But they mean a lot to me. And that takes a lot of guts for me to admit.
A box inside of me, waiting to be unlocked. But I'll never unlock mine. I hope he opens his one day though. Because then he can be free of his inner turmoil. This is one pain I will never release.
But I have to say it. At least… in my mind. Every now and again, I open that tight lid by a centimetre and let a few of my inner feelings flow into my brain, filling my heart. I have to. The truth can't be stopped.
And so those three words I'll never say to him just… fall into my mind.
I love him.
I know I do. And that's why I've hated him all this time. A cover so I can love him on the inside.
I love him so much I hate him for it. I hate him for making me feel this way. And that helps strengthen my hatred even more, gives me an excuse to actually turn him away.
My love scares me. The truth, it's so frightening. I'm not meant to feel this way, for so many reasons! I don't know how it started… Or how it happened. Or whatever. It just did. I never asked to feel like that!
I wanted to run away from liking him. And I sort of… did. By hating him. And I had a proper excuse to hate him too.
My love for him… Perhaps it was because of my attraction towards him. Perhaps… perhaps I was lonely. Because no one wanted me back then. And I wanted to feel loved. And… maybe I knew he wanted the same too.
I don't know if this is… that kind of love… But it is love. A parental love… sibling love… friendship love… couples love. I don't really know. But whatever it is, I feel something, and that still… scares me. Because I'm not meant to.
Like Haru, I guess… I'm like Haru. He was and still is my first love. Which sounds ridiculous. But it's true.
I have found another… someone who is there for me. Someone important to me. And I care for her very much. It's not the same as my love for him. My love for him seems slightly different. Perhaps my love evolved from just… admiring him so much. Fascinated, attracted to something far from my reach.
I can still barely believe I like him. And that I can hate him so much. The moment he used to come near me, I would lash out, scared, annoyed… that I felt that way. That I would end up liking him. That he had no idea how I felt.
That idiot fell for my act completely. Well… so did everyone else.
I admit, after I started channelling all the hatred I was forcing myself to feel, I began to realise… that it turned into reality. I did start to hate him because he had everything I didn't. I started to hate him for what he was, even though I knew that was hypocritical of me. Even though I knew I loved him.
But she helped me… Because I could focus all my attention on her. All my anger and sadness slowly leaked away. All my love… gone to her. I realised I didn't have to put up this stupid mask that much. I didn't have to get so annoyed. I didn't need to think about him. I had her, and I wanted to treasure all the time left that I had with her.
But…
That doesn't stop the fact I still love him. and that's why I'm thinking about it now… I may not worry about it anymore. I may not even bother with him now. But he's still inside of me. That love hiding itself far from the world, never to be exposed.
But I can't love him. It's a forbidden love. Whether it is because I love him as a brother or as a good friend. It's still wrong. Not only because we're both male and that's immoral. Not because we're cousins of the same family. Not because he's the rat and because of that, he's an arrogant jerk. Not because no one would agree and understand it.
It's because it's he's the rat, and I'm the cat. And I must hate him. An occupation I cannot rid myself of as long as we both live.
Yes, it all goes back to the Juunishi story, the tight circle that keeps us all bonded together, suffocating slowly to death. The stupid piece of shit that has ruined all of our lives.
People always ask me. Why do you hate him so much? If the questioner was ignorant of the Sohma curse, I would reply because he was just a damn arrogant asshole. To one of the other Juunishi, I would answer that it was because he was the rat, and I would always hate him because of that.
Yes, I do actually hate him. I hate him with all my heart. I willingly admit that. I love him, but hate him. Why? There is only one real reason for my hatred. One reason why I still continue to hate him. And it's such a stupid… stupid reason.
I don't hate him because he's everything I'm not. I don't hate him because he's a member of the Juunishi and I'm not. I don't hate him because I'm assuming he's cunning and evil as told in the traditions. I don't hate him because he's the rat.
At the end of the day, there's only one reason for my hatred. For me, it's an obligation to hate him, and nothing will ever change that. I cannot change that. I must hate him, I have to hate him. And I hate the fact that I must hate him. It's so stupid! So fucking stupid that I feel like my heart is breaking.
But… I will always hate him with all my heart as long as I continue to live, because… because it is Kyo Sohma, the cat's job to hate Yuki Sohma, the rat. And it will forever be like that.
Thank you for reading. Please review to tell me what you think! Thank you!
Chibito