oneshot. written in a little less than an hour. the idea came to me while talking to my friends and so i decided to write it down. i don't expect you to understand it, but read&&review and give me your comments. this dialogue is taken directly from the conversation held between me, nar, lizzy, and ster. credit to them for james' and marlene's dialogue and rita's brief appearence.
a vache is a cow, by the way.
and the term 'curler boy' refers to one lucius malfoy.
Coming out of the Great Hall was always a crowded event. People pushed past each other and shoved, sometimes stepping on your foot or kneeing you in the groin. It all depended on how the weather was that day—if it was sunny, people tended to be nice, but if it was raining, well, people got rowdy.
Just like that one day, you know the one of the infamous Black versus Potter incident? No, no, no now. I'm not talking about Sirius Black. No. I'm talking about Regulus Black and of course James Potter. What other Potter is there? Back to the weather of the day though—it had been raining like a vache relieves itself, steady, hard, and well, not smelly, but some that day were rumoring that Snape had left off the deodorant with the misguidance of one of the Lestranges, told it was the French thing to do, but that's a different story, and sadly, Snape nor the Lestranges are in this one. It was rainy day, the kind where shoes squeak and your hair is wet all day. She squeaking of the shoes was already driving some up the wall—such as the lovely Lily Evans and the infamous Bellatrix Black—neither of which shall appear in this story either. Well, said James Potter was squeaking and squishing and squawking his shoes everywhere and as any person, whose head is twice the size of his body due to his ego, he became top heavy and fell over amidst all his squeaking and squishing and squawking. And when the fifth year James Potter fell over, he wildly flailed out for support and grabbed the nearest thing—Regulus Black.
Both Black and Potter found themselves hitting the floor and sliding around, nearly getting trampled before managing to crawl out of the way. Reggie was gasping for breath once all the students had cleared, obviously scared to death of what he'd just went through, and Potter, Potter had picked up a golden spoon that had somehow escaped the Great Hall and was currently using it as a mirror to fix his hair.
Looking around, Regulus had quickly spotted the culprit. "ASSHOLE!" He screamed across the cavernous room.
"Shut it, shorty." Potter replied tartly, still trying to fix his hair in the spoon.
"I am not short!" He wasn't. Not really. Well, not a lot.
"Well, you're smaller than me." James pointed out.
"Well, I'll have you know, I'm the perfect height for my age." Black said as he got up off the floor and began to brush imaginary dust from himself.
"Yet, still shorter than me." He said philosophically.
"Well…." Reggie said, getting flustered. "YOUASSISHUGE!"
Potter slowly got to his feet and began to turn around, trying his best to catch a glimpse of his bum. "My arse is no—what kind of comeback is that, shorty?"
"One that baffled your wide ass and stop calling me shorty."
"Shut up then, short ass."
"I have a cute little ass, thank you very much." And Black pointed to his bottom.
"…I don't think so." James said, looking over Regulus' ass oddly enough.
"Look." Reggie said as he turned around and modeled from all angles. "See?"
It was at that moment that a blur of blonde entered the Hall and something to the effect to the effect of "Oh I wanna touch it." Was mumbled.
"Piss off, McKinnon." Black and Potter said at the same time.
"Sorry," James continued, "But as much as you'd love a man of my status to check your behind—I don't swing that way—AND EVEN IF I DID—I wouldn't be starting at your bum."
"Well then, I win." Regulus deduced, folding his arms across his chest.
"No I do."
"Fine, let's ask Marlene." Black suggested, waving a hand to the intruder.
"Well," She stuttered. "Asses don't count. It's the 70's." She explained. "So…Drop you pants instead." She said with a smile.
Regulus' eyes widened in momentary shock. "Geesh, woman. You're worse than curler boy." But, upon deciding what to do, the youngest of the Blacks promptly dropped his trousers.
"Marlene has already measured my sixteen inch pole. There is no need to drop my trousers." James said with a stomp to the ground while obviously completely avoiding looking at Reggie's….dropped pants, for lack of a better term.
"It was no where near sixteen. Drop it, Potter."
At that precise moment, a group of second year Ravenclaws walked by, giggling madly at Regulus and his current stance. "Oh why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer." He hissed.
"More like it'll get lost soon since it's so small." James interjected with a cough.
"Bullshit. AND WERE YOU LOOKING AT MY PRICK?" Regulus all but screamed, causing the retreating Ravenclaws to look backwards before running up the stairs even faster. One of them looked to be older than the rest and had a quill and pad in her hand. Rita Skeeter now doubt. Turning his attention back to the two Gryffindors he was in company with he said. "You've yet to drop your pants, Potter, so you must be lacking in your packing."
"Well, I've seen smaller." Marlene said to Reggie with a bit of a hint and a nod at James.
"Likes James'." Regulus muttered.
"I'm just afraid that I might poke someone's eye out." James explained rather coolly.
Regulus snorted. "Only if they're standing a centimeter away."
"FUCK YOU!"
"I'd like to see that." Marlene chimed in.
Regulus shook his head. "No thanks I'll pass."
"DAMN!" Marlene snapped her fingers.
Regulus took a step backwards, obviously disgusted. "Nasty Gryffindors girls….dying for male porn."
"Despicable." James said with a nod.
"What?" Marlene questioned. "There's nothing wrong with a little porn. And I wasn't the one who dropped my pants."