Part One

Jake

I did it thursday night. Probably a bad idea since I had school the next day but I didnt care. It was too much to deal with. Being the leader of this little army. Of the Animorphs. It was all just too much. The battles. The decisions. My friends, always looking ot me. Always to the fearless leader. The one with the plan. Always expecting me to know what to do. Like I wasnt scared. Like I wasnt confused. Like I knew something they didnt. God it's so hard. You dont know. And i feel sorry for you if you do. But all that stress, all that confusion was about to melt away. Because I was about to do something I'd never done. I was about to get high.

It was surprisingly, almost frighteningly simple to get the weed. A couple bucks and I was walking home with a Ziplock baggie in my backpack. in the bottom of the baggie was a single "blunt". Really, it didnt look like much. I was a little wary. It hadn't exactly been cheap. But then I thought about all the immense weight of being a leader and decided I didnt give a shit anymore. I'd sell my soul just to make it all go away for even a minute. Just one minute of peace. Of simple carefree joy. I got home and did my chores. Ate dinner. Played the part in front of my family. In front of Tom. Read the script written for me. God I was so sick of it. Of sitting at the table and staring at him and knowing what was there. I was sick and tired of pretending everyhtign was normal. Sick of pretending that it was really Tom speaking to me. Sick of having fake conversations. But in a couple of hours that was all going to change.

I did my homework, I did the dishes, and left my family sitting in the livingroom, watching tv. Then I went up to my room and locked the door. I felt a moments aprehension. A small voice in my head telling me this was a bad idea. "what if you cant stop? what if you do somehting stupid and reveal yourself to tom?" I shoved it away. I didnt care anymore. maybe it's me. Maybe I'm weak. That's waht I felt like. I was about to jeapordize the fate of the world, of my friends, family, myself. Just for a brief release from the weight of responsability. I stared down at the tightly rolled blunt in my hands. I dont know if I'm weak. Maybe I am. But as horrible as it felt right hten. I didnt' care. Couldnt. I had to do this. I had to get away. I had to get away. Dont you understand?! no...no you dont...you cant. It eats away at you. It strips away your humanity, until you're nothing more than a machine. a cold, souless machine barking out orders and putting your friends in danger and not even caring anymore. I couldnt feel. I couldnt laugh. Not even at the dinner table. not even in front of Tom I couldnt make myself smile. I didnt cry anymore. I didnt laugh. I just didnt FEEL anymore. But that was over, I told myself. At least once. Just tonight I told myself. Just tonight I'm going to feel again. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to do something for me.

I took a deep breath. "Fuck it." I walked over ot the window and opened it, I turned on the fan in my room. I pulled the plain yellow lighter out of my pocket and took a deep breath. I couldnt stop my stomach boiling, I was nervous. Finally, I lit the end of it and took in a deep lungfull. I held it. Just like the guy had said. 'hey,' I thought to myself. 'this isnt bad, not as bad as those cigarettes I tri-' suddenly the back of my throat burned, my eyes watered and I coughed loudly. A grey/white cloud exploding out my window. I grabbed my chest and coughed harder, I could barely breath! I burped and a smaller cloud drifted out my window. Finally I sucked in a deep breath of air. I gave myself a few moments to recover and then I took another hit. slower this time. not as forcefull. It was getting better. I still coughed a bit but I didnt mind so much this tiem. I sat down in the chair by my desk and heaved a huge sigh. I didnt FEEL any different. I frowned. I stood up to take another drag and suddenly realized I was dizzy. Things didnt seem to stay in the same place. no, that wasnt it, I jsut couldnt concentrate on them for more than a few seconds. "So this is what it's like?" I asked to noone in particular.

I laughed. I was talking to myself. Then I realized how hard I was laughing abotu it and that made me laugh harder. I fumbled for a minute and turned ont he little tv I have in my room, then I flopped down on my bed. I dont know what show I was watching. I think it was some old Nick-at-Night thing. Threes company or somthing. I was watching it, but if you'd asked me what it was abotu I coulldnt have told you. I just stared at it dumbly. every now and then I would get up, walk unsteadily over to the window, and take another hit. I dont know how long i'd been like that. It seemed like hours, but it was probably only a few minutes or so when suddenly a bird flew through my window. Just flew right in. I stared at it for a second, it seemed to be moving in stop-motion photography. I just stared at it and suddenly I started laughing, hard. Laughing like it was the funniest thing in the whole world. I mean...here was this bird, right? and it had just flown right into my freakign room! I guffawed, I laughed, I cackled until tears of mirth ran from my eyes. then I suddenly realized I could hear a voice in my head.

(Jake?) it said, sounding confused, and slightly concerned. (You ok man? Jake....Jake! Jake it's me, Tobias!) The bird jumped up onto my bed and this was HILARIOUS! I dont even know what about it was funny. I laughed so hard I couldnt breath and I just sort of pointed at it and wheezed.

(Jake are you...is that...oh jesus you've got to be KIDDING me! Are you high!? Holy shit Jake man this is stupid! Are you an idiot! what are you doing!)

Then I remembered, Tobias! I pointed at the bird. "T'bies!" I exclaimed.

(ohhh man!) Tobias groaned. (I'm going human. This is nuts.)

Tobias started changing. It was frighteneing, terrifying, disgusting. As messed up as I was I should have been jibberign in terror, but it was like I wasnt even me anymore. I was watching this like a movie. Sure, it was scary, but I mean, it was like it was happening to someone else. "Dude..." I said "that...was fuckign awesome!!"

Finally, Tobias had morphed completely. Man he looked pissed, but that just made me laugh. "holy shit man...you should see your face...dude you look so pissed off!" I cackled.

"Jake!" He raged "What are you doing!"

I forced myself to be serious and I sat up ont he bed. I hadnt even reali'zed I'd layd down.

"m'sorry dude. I'm sorry Tobias. But man...it was just too mush dude. Fucking...Tom....merphing...Yeerks..." I felt a grin tug at the corners of my mouth. "Yeerks. Yorks. hehe...Yucks...ucks...Sound like AX!" I yelled and started laughing.

The look in Tobias's eyes changed. From rage and disgust to pity and...and understanding. His life was hard too...I saw him glance down, just for a second, at the blunt still in my hands. Suddenly...a feeling swelled up inside me. Love. Not in a "I want to go out with you" way. But liek a brother. Closer. He was like family. I wanted ot help him. I dont think I've ever felt more like I wanted to help someone. God it was a good feelign. I was almost in tears from the power of the emotion. Slowly, I held up the blunt.

"Tobias. You have no idea what it's like. All your problems. All the stress...all the negativity. You just forget it. It...it's a lot like being a dolphin."

I suddenly remembered that Tobias had not been able to morph then...he'd never been a dolphin. I swear i think I almost cried right then. This poor guy...he'd never known what pure, simple, joy was. He stared at the blunt.

"It'll set you free." I said quietly. He glanced up at me and sighed.

"I guess...once." He slowly took the blunt and took a hit. He started coughing and almost dropped it. I burst into laughter at the sight of him coughing and cought the blunt, barely. We passed it back and forth a few more times and pretty soon we were both lauhging. We put in a movie, Lord of the Rings. and laughed our asses off. But it wasnt all just funny. God the movie was so much better. Everythign was so much more intense, but also...somehow, so much more wholesome. The good guys were GOOD. The bad guys were BAD. Not like my war. Where the bad guys are in the good guys bodies. And i didnt even know which one I was anymore. How could we be the good guys, after all the things we'd done? But those thought slid away. Replaced by the simple joy of wathcing a movie and hanging out with tobias.

We laughed, we cried, I looked at him, closed my eyes, and told him that I could see through my eyelids. I was so serious. so incredibly serious. But then he started laughing, and I thought about what I was saying, and I started laughing too.

After a while we'd finished the blunt and we were both completely blazed. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. "Tobias...dude you should Demorph." He nodded slowly, like it was the most sagely thing anyone had ever said.

"Yeah." It took Tobias a lot longer ot Demorph, he kept losing his concentration. And I wasnt exactly helpoing him. I kept tryign to distract him. I dont know why, it was hilarious. I'd do something silly and he would burst out lauhging and stop Demorphing but finally he was a normal hawk agian.

(Jake...I'm not high anymore) Said the voice in my head. Oh yeah, it was Tobias.

I sighed sadly. "dude...that's so sad man..." It was like being in dog morph. It wasnt just sad that Tobias wasnt high anymore, that he could only be like this for two hours at a time. It wasnt just sad. It was SAD. Suddenly, instantly, I brightened up again. "Tobias!" I yelled like he was a mile away when really he was just a few feet away.

(Jeez! Stop yelling man! your parents will hear!)

I felt horrible, I had almost woken up my folks, and with Tobias's hawk hearign I'd probably hurt him.

"Oh man dude I'm so sorry...dude I'm so sorry abotu that man."

(It's alright Jake it's fine. Calm down. Now, what were you going to tell me?)

I froze...what..had I wanted to tell him? I started laughing. I couldnt remember. All I could do was shake my head and laugh "oh shit dude...I'm so high right now. I'm so lit.."

(Jake dude, come on man, it sounded important.)

Oh yeah! I suddenly remmebered. "dude, we should do this more often. I mean...I know it's bad for you and all but. God I havent felt this...this...carefree...in a long time. I feel normal. Better than normal. I feel good. Tobias do you know how long it's been since I just plain old felt good? Since I felt anything at all?"

He just stared at me, that peircing hawk gaze. He was silent. But I knew. I knew that he knew what it was like.

(I...yeah I know what you mean...maybe man. I've...got to go talk to Rachel. I'll see you around Jake.) He hopped up on the windowsill. (Oh, and Jake? spray someFebreez in here or soemthing man. It reeks of weed.) With that he spread his wings and drifted off silently into the night. I was sad to see him go. Everything was so much more interesting when there was someone there to share the experience with. But I sprayed some Febreez, probably more than I should have, and flopped back down on my bed.

I knew it was bad...but how could somehting to wonderfully wholesomely simply good be bad? I pondered this and countless other universal mysteries as I watched TV and finally drifted off to sleep.

To be Continued...