Cassie

I walked into the barn at 5am. We were having an early meeting before school. It wasn't supposed to start till six so I was going to look in on some of the animals before everyone arrived. So I was pretty surprised to see I wasn't alone.

"Oh," I said, startled. "Hey Jake...You're here pretty early."

I was worried, Jake had been sitting here, alone, in the dark. When I flicked on the dim yellow bulb I could see the emotions roiling on his face. Fear, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame. I caught only a flash of these before he quickly buried them under his "Fearless Leader" mask.

"Jake. Are you ok?"

Finally, he looked up at me. I almost took a step back. The pain in his eyes, god it shone through like a beacon. I quickly set down the pail of seed I was carrying and hurried across the barn, wrapping my arms around him.

"Oh god Jake. What happened? What's wrong?"

He shuddered and winced like he'd been struck. I could see the mask failing...failing...finally it simply collapsed and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and crying on my shoulder. I held him gently, not asking any more questions. I could tell he needed to cry, to get this out. He would tell my what was wrong in good time. Until then I held him and rubbed his back until he finally cried himself out.

Finally he released his grip on me and slumped back on the hay bale. His shoulders were slouched, his head hung low. There was no trace of "Leader" Jake anymore. Now he was just a scarred kid like the rest of us. Slowly, he looked up at me.

"Cassie..." He stopped talking, searching for some way to say what he had to say. I sat patiently and waited. "Cassie...it was too much. It was all just too much. I...felt like I was imploding. Like I was sinking. I couldn't feel. I had...I had to do it..." He swallowed hard.

"I failed. I failed you, I failed everyone. Oh god..."

"Jake...what are you talking about? You haven't failed anyone!"

He just shook his head. "Cassie you don't understand. I...bought some...I...last night I..." He took a deep breath, I held mine. "Last night I got high."

My first emotion was a feeling of relief, I had been expecting something like, "I told my parents everything." That quickly faded into a boiling mix of conflicting, confusing emotions. There was a small part of me that was angry with him, but not much. Mostly I felt sad for him. I pitied him. And I was a little hurt that he hadn't come to me and told me about how he was feeling. It hurt that he had to go to drugs to deal with the pressure. But I pushed this aside. He needed me now, more than ever. I wrapped my arms around him tighter and held him.

"Oh Jake...god I'm so sorry...Jake Jake Jake...why didn't you tell me? I...god what have we done to you..." I felt tears of guilt building up in my eyes. "What have we done..."

He looked at me and shook his head. "Please, don't Cassie. Don't, it's not your fault. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I'm not cut out for this Cassie. I just couldn't handle the pressure. I'm no leader. I'm no leader..." He shook his head.

"Jake. Look at me." he slowly turned and looked at me.

"Listen to me Jake, you are the leader, do you understand? We're nothing without you. We need you Jake. More than anything else, we NEED you. You can't let go Jake. We're all depending on you." I felt sick, sick at what I was doing. Sick that I was dumping this on him. Sick that I was manipulating him like this. I wanted so much to tell him it was alright, to tell him he could go home and forget about all this. I wanted so much to tell him that we didn't need him. That he could go live a normal life. But I couldn't tell him that. But there was one thing I could tell him.

"Jake," I whispered. "I love you."

He looked up at me, the words seeming to fill him with some small amount of strength. He smiled weakly. "I love you too Cassie."

My breath caught as he slowly leaned up and kissed me. It wasn't one of those soap opera lets-swallow-each-others-tounges kisses. But it held more meaning, more feeling, more love, than a hundred thousand kisses.

He smiled weakly and sighed as he sat up, our arms falling away from each other, but he still held my hand in his.

"I don't know what I'm going to do Cassie. I don't know if I can lead anymore. I couldn't handle it. What if I broke down during a mission? I could endanger everyone. Everything..."

"Listen to me Jake, I know you. You're the strangest person I've ever met. You wont. I know you wont. But Jake, you can't give in. Please, we need you. Jake, I need you."

He hung his head and shook it slowly. "It's so hard Cassie. It hurts so much..."

"I know Jake, I know. But...please Jake. Talk to me about it. Promise me. You don't have to go to drugs Jake. I'm right here and I'll always be there for you. You know you can tell me anything."

He sighed. "I know Cassie, I know. I don't know what I'd do without you. But...I don't know how the others will react. Will they even let me lead anymore? I can't lose their confidence. If that happens, I'm useless as a leader."

"Jake, I don't care, I care about YOU."

"I know Cass." He sighed and stood up, straightening his shoulders, wiping off his cheeks, resuming his "fearless leader" look. Just in time too, Tobias flew in through the door and perched up on the rafters.

(...hey. Um, did I interrupt anything?)

I shook my head. "No Tobias, where are the others?"

(On their way, they should be here in just a minute. Umm...)

I saw Jake sort of cock his head as he listened to something in private thoughtspeak from Tobias. He waved his hand a little. "I already told her. About me I mean."

I wondered how Tobias had known. My question was answered a moment later when Tobias told me. I nodded. I wasn't mad at Tobias, anymore than I was mad at Jake. I couldn't see the shame on Tobias's intense hawk face, but I could hear it in his thoughtspeak.

(Here come the others. I...told Rachel. No one else.)

I watched Jake draw himself up, take a deep breath, preparing himself, as they filed into the barn. I have to admit, I was worried. They all took their usual places, except Rachel, who leaned against the wall and glanced occasionally from Jake to Tobias.

"So," Marco said. "What's up?"