…
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
(Paul Atreides)
…
Fehl Prime, January 20th, 12:41 PM, 2185
…
I sat down on a bench, feeling fatigue roll over me as we called the all-clear for the colony's southern quarter. The smoke was finally starting to settle around us, and the gunfire was but a distant memory by this point. For the last hour we had meticulously fanned out through all the structures in the colony looking for any more Collectors, but we had only run into small pockets of them.
I was exhausted, but the threat still looming over us was fresh in my mind, and the consequences all too real and personal.
I had witnessed first-hand the destruction these aliens were capable of, and I was appalled by how quickly they overran our defenses. They knocked the Explorer out of space without batting an eyelash, and ripped the Dragoon into literal pieces… among other things.
My mind was still struggling to process what happened to Dan. Thinking back on it, I actually found it hard to visualize those disconnected pictures in my head again. It was almost as if my own mind was trying to block it out.
I continued to question whether on not we had gained a true "victory" here, or if it was pyrrhic in nature. Over one quarter of the colonists who had joined in on the defense were killed in action or missing, the colony's infrastructure was heavily damaged, and we had lost one of our starships with one still unaccounted for. I couldn't help but shake my head as all these little pieces fell into place around me.
"Doctor-Michaels?" Pistis quipped, snapping me back to the world around me. "Are you well?"
"Honestly… I don't know." I answered truthfully, pushing my elbows into my knees as I crossed my hands in front of my mouth. "We've lost so much, and more and more reports just keep coming in. I'm not sure how to view this at all."
"All colonists reported safe, no breaches in the underground bunker. Total destruction of enemy vessel, no surviving contacts. Minimal casualties." He listed off, likely trying to counteract my current view of the situation. "Does this not qualify as a victory?"
"In the short term, yes. The long term is the real gray area." I countered, looking directly into his photoreceptor. "With all the damage they've caused, it'll be years before this place is anywhere near the shape it was before. That's not even counting the losses we've suffered."
Pistis seemed puzzled by my assessment, looking off towards the plaza we had turned into a temporary staging area. He folded both hands together behind his back, similar to me as the aperture on his "eye" twitched.
"We believe potential exist in this outcome." He stated simply, bringing a small smile back to my sand-covered face. "Better than alternative."
"I can get behind that thought process." I nodded, forcing myself back to my feet, praying I wouldn't piss myself with my urinary tract still as numb as a crossed leg. "Shepard, how's progress for you?"
"We just finished our last sweep, heading to your location." He answered, filling me with reassurance. "Anything on your end?"
"A whole lot of nothing, fortunately." I replied, happy that he hadn't encountered anything. "We're gearing up to send out search parties to the crash sites. Want us to wait until you've joined us?"
"No, checking those sites is a higher priority. Focus on looking for your crew, Sean." He quickly rebuffed, surprising me to an extent. "Just make sure to report back regularly, we need to keep any and all miscommunication to a minimum."
"Roger, we're on it." I nodded reflexively, looking back at Pistis and nodding as I turned to my two friends who had killed the Collector ship. "Kamille, you and Mason ready?"
"Ready and raring, sir." She nodded, saluting despite me technically being a civilian.
Both her and Mason abandoned the big gun shortly after the Collector ship exploded, wanting to join in on the defense. Her tied black hair was bespeckled with particles of sand, giving it a much dirtier look than normal, and the left leg of her armor was scorched from an explosion.
Mason was in similar shape. One of his shoulder guards were missing, and a recently sealed wound was still quite visible where the skin was exposed, filled with medi-gel. It had been ripped off by a Collector during a hand-to-hand struggle in the middle of the storm.
Honestly, I was shocked that they wanted to come along with us.
"Remember, we're looking for survivors, so PID your targets before engaging." I added, looking over at the older model shuttle we'd be using to get to the crash site. "I really hope we can find them."
"We'll find them, don't worry." Mason reassured, cracking a smile I couldn't decide was fake or not. I shook the negative thoughts out of my head, wanting to keep a positive outlook as we loaded into the shuttle and took off without another word.
…
Colonial Shuttle "Galm 2", January 20th, 12:56 PM, 2185
…
I stood next to the window in complete silence as I watched the columns of smoke rising from our ship get closer and closer. It had landed far enough away that it was in a completely different region, one dominate by a thick forest. I remembered flying over it earlier a few days ago.
"Anything on the scanners?" I asked, walking over to the cockpit where Mason and Kamille were.
"Hard to tell, the area is filled with too many readings for me to get a clear scan." Kamille explained, looking back at me from the co-pilot seat. "If I had to guess, they're either still on the ship or they ejected aboard one of the escape pods."
I nodded, looking back out the window to see the flaming hulk of our old home, our ship.
The Explorer had landed more-or-less in one piece, though that wasn't saying much now that I could clearly see all the damage it had sustained. Both port engines had been completely blown off the ship, and most of the upper hull plating had been completely "burned" off. I could see portions of both the CIC and Engineering through the top of the ship alone.
It was nearly enough to bring me to tears right then and there. There was no repairing this kind of catastrophic damage.
"Lan...land us as close as you can." I ordered, struggling to keep my voice at a controllable level as emotions rolled over me. "Oh, this is bad…"
"Doctor-Michaels?" Pistis quipped, sounding confused by my inflections as I continued to stare at the wreckage.
"Don't worry about me." I quickly dismissed, loading a fresh plasma cell into my rifle as the shuttle landed with a soft thump.
As soon as the doors opened, we were greeted with the sounds of birds chirping and rushing water. The landing zone was on top a large outcropping of weathered rocks, just flat enough to be a stable landing zone. Now that I was looking at it from the ground, I realized the ship was suspended above a large ravine roughly several hundred meters wide. Rocks, trees and other debris sheared off of the top had fallen into the waterway below, interrupting its flow significantly.
I had silent doubts about the stability of the land my ship now rested on.
"Sean to Shepard. We've reached the crash site, moving in on foot to check for survivors, over." I announced in a deadpan into my omni-tool, heeding the Commander's orders to check in regularly.
"Roger, we're postponing that mission to investigate the remains of the Collector ship for now. Keep in touch." He replied, giving me a small personal boost.
While I dreaded the prospect of discovering what several years of my life had been reduced to, I had to suck it up and stay professional for the time being.
We walked along the side of the ravine, making sure to keep an eye out for any signs of foot traffic. The air smelled like burnt metal and wood pulp, which didn't surprise me all that much. The ship was still smoking, but many of the actual fires had burnt themselves out by this point.
After several minutes of carefully moving along the ravine, we finally reached the front of the ship where the airlock was. Unfortunately, we came to discover the bow of the ship was smashed to pieces. I cursed silently to myself, hoping once more that they had managed to get out of there in time. There was no way to be completely sure yet, considering our scanners were worthless with all the wildlife around us.
"If I can find another way into the ship, I might be able to recover the system log from the computer core." I stated, turning around to face my subordinates. "I'll go in and take a look. I want you guys to check the surrounding area for any signs of foot traffic while I'm in there."
They all nodded to me, breaking off as I looked back at the practically non-existent remains of the ship's bridge. I denied any negative thoughts entry into my mind, giving myself a running jump to the top of the ship. If there was a hole somewhere up here, I'd find it.
I walked towards one of the settling smoke columns, spotting a hole where one of the Collector weapons had burned through the hull. I could feel the heat radiating from it, electing not to hop through and look for a less risky entry point. I eventually came across one of the larger holes I had spotted from the shuttle, the missing 5x5 meter chunk of armor that exposed our CIC to the outside world. I tested the strength of the titanium, making sure it was still sturdy before taking hold and climbing in.
The CIC was a complete mess. The entirety of the interior was covered in a fine layer of ash from re-entry, leaving it looking even darker with the lack of power. I shined my flashlight down the hallway towards the bridge, seeing where the hull had caved in on impact. I knew there was nothing left there, so I turned around and headed for the elevator shaft. Prying open the doors, I saw that the elevator had gotten stuck halfway down the short shaft, and it piqued my interest.
I climbed down the emergency ladder, stepping onto the top of the elevator and listening for anything that could point to my crew being inside.
"Hello? Anyone in there?" I asked, opening the hatch on the top and peering inside, only to find it empty to equal parts relief and worry. "Damn…"
I climbed down the other half of the elevator, reaching Deck 2 easily. I tested the door for heat, confident there was no risk of immediate fire as I took hold and pulled it open as hard as I could. The entire mess hall was wrecked in a similar fashion as the CIC, though it looked relatively untouched by the attack. Other than the slant the ship sat at, it was eerily similar to the condition it had previously been in after we were attacked above Eden Prime.
I walked to the end of the mess hall, finding the access port for the computer core's internal components. I finally found the auxiliary power supply, hooking it up only to find it was still not working. I could feel my own face turn red as annoyance took over.
"Come on, you piece of shit…" I exclaimed under my breath, unhooking and rehooking the power cable to see if that was the problem.
It wasn't, the machine was still dark. I instead connected it to my armor's battery supply, hoping that would do the trick only to be met with the same result. I let go of my inhibitions for a moment, kicking the console only to find that it somehow did the trick.
"Well, good to know that old American custom still works." I smiled, shaking my head at how absurd it seemed as I accessed the computer core. I quickly scrolled through the logs on my omni-tool, reaching the end of the list and finding something that filled me with a sense of relief.
/ -MFV EXPLORER EMERGENCY LOG- /
/ SHIP DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: CRITICAL
/ ESCAPE POD #3: LAUNCH SUCCESSFUL
/ CREW PRESENT: 3
/ PLANETARY BODY DETECTED: FEHL PRIME
/ ESTIMATED LANDING COORDINATES: 38.3365° N, 75.0849° W
/ -CONNECTION LOST- /
Just as I smiled at my sudden bout of good fortune, I felt a rumble in the hull of the Explorer beneath my feet, followed by a deep groaning noise.
"Uh oh…" I said out loud to myself as the groaning got louder. "That's never a good sign."
The floor beneath me began to buckle and split down the middle as the weight of the ship over the canyon began taking its toll. With no other options, I began running as fast as I could towards the other side, hoping to reach the elevator shaft. The ceiling collapsed above the mess hall table, barely missing me as I dove into the open elevator and grabbed hold of whatever was closest to me.
"Oh shit, shit!" I yelled in sheer panic as I felt my orientation and gut shift, the entire ship splitting down the middle and taking me with it. As the bottom of my half hit the riverbed below, I was jolted hard enough that my shoulder nearly disconnected from its socket.
"That hurts! That hurts!" I said between breaths, rocking back and forth on the wall of the elevator as I waited for the throbbing to lessen. Once I had finally regained my composure, I looked at what was left around me, realizing that getting out was going to be much more difficult than getting in.
The entire front half of the ship which I had barely gotten to in time had slid downwards, leaving me near the bottom. Below me through the open elevator door I could see rushing, brackish water that could very easily drown me if I got swept up in it.
The elevator shaft itself was more like a small hallway now, sunlight peeking through the hull breaches in the CIC. I'd have to climb my way out now.
"Of all the times to skip out on leg day, it had to be now." I grumbled to myself, taking in another deep breath as I moved through the hatch on top the elevator and walked to the other end. I climbed up, smelling smoke behind me as my omni-tool beeped.
"Hey, you still alive in there!?" I heard Kamille ask in a worried voice over the comm as I struggled to work the pain out of my shoulder.
"Yeah, flying by the seat of my pants." I answered in an exacerbated deadpan, not wanting to leave them hanging. "I got a rough idea of where my crew went, but I've obviously gotta climb my way out now."
"Shall we attempt to locate you?" Pistis asked, joining in on the discussion.
"No, I'm going to try and make my way to one of the hull breaches myself, I don't want anyone risking their necks for me." I denied, waving a gust of smoke out of my face. "I'll come out somewhere near the bow of the ship. Be ready with some rope or something."
"Acknowledged." Pistis cut off, leaving me once again with my own thoughts.
I looked up at the further ruined state of the CIC, spotting two potential ways up, each offering a positive and a negative. I could either scale the sides of the room, which was safer but more time consuming, or use one of the thick power cables hanging down to pull myself up to the edge of the hull breach. This left me at risk of falling all the way back down if it gave way.
"Welp, no guts, no glory." I said, attempting to hype myself as I took hold of the thick jacketed cable, testing its tolerance as best I could and deeming it suitable.
I began climbing my way up, aiming for the sunlight above me as I silently thanked Dimitri for over engineering the ship's electrical grid so much. The jacketing was segmented, almost ribbed to allow for passive cooling along the power grid, though I guess that all amounted to nothing now.
About halfway up the cable, I heard then felt several quick explosions somewhere outside the ship. The shockwave of whatever was exploding rocked the bow of the ship, causing the electrical wire to swing back and forth with me along for the ride.
I tucked my head in as I slammed into the holographic emitters for the galaxy map, thankful that the impact was strong enough to activate my kinetic barriers. I held on for dear life, waiting for the swinging to stop before continuing my climb.
At the top, I grabbed hold of the hull plating, still feeling the residual heat coming from the ruined armor plating as I attempted to find a spot to stand. Failing that, I grabbed hold of one of the larger, more secure pieces of structural titanium and looked up at the top of the cliff.
"Hey! I'm down here!" I yelled, spotting the three of them and getting their attention. "Get me out of this funhouse!"
"I hope this is long enough…" Mason mused, throwing down a length of rope that had hung over his shoulder. "Watch your head!"
"Doctor, we recommend removing exo suit to reduce weight." Pistis suggested, something I had honestly forgotten about.
"Who's we?" Kamille remarked with a mildly annoyed look on her face, obviously vexed about "Powell" being here to help. I simply shook my head, carefully releasing the exo's clamps on my armor and letting it fall back into the ship.
"Alright… here goes nothing!" I said, jumping the seven meter gap and grasping as the rope. I barely caught it, hugging it the moment I made contact and letting my breathing stabilize.
"Come on! You aren't as light as you look!" Mason urged, kicking me into gear as I got into a rhythm, hand over hand going up the rope. Pistis was right, ditching the exo was a good idea.
I finally reached the top, all three of them pulling me up by the shoulders onto solid ground. I panted, sitting there on the edge for a moment before I noticed the new columns of smoke rising up from the stern of the ship.
"What happened to the other half while I was in there?" I asked, looking up at Pistis who I correctly suspected had an answer waiting for me.
"We suspect one of the plasma storage tanks in engineering ruptured." He explained, pointing at one of the hull breaches that now glowed blue as fire poured out of it like flaming gasoline. "Recommend leaving area, further ruptures possible."
"I agree, let's get the hell out of here." I nodded, getting back on my feet and feeling the pulse from my shoulder.
We all returned to the shuttle, piling in and lifting off. Just as Pistis was about to close the doors, I stopped him.
"Just wait a bit." I urged, watching the remains of my ship for what felt like an eternity as we flew off, leaving me with yet another sad memory for the road.
I still prayed that my crew were alright.
...
Colonial Shuttle "Galm 2", January 20th, 1:46 PM, 2185
…
The coordinates the ship's emergency log had provided me led to a coastal region about 63 miles away from the crash site. I had already radioed ahead to Shepard, letting him know where we were going. He was fine with what we were doing, and had wished us the best of luck.
Maybe those stories about Shepard from before were true. He was a genuinely good person.
I looked out the window, seeing the forests flatten out into marshlands and watery swamps. Part of me worried about their pod being stuck underwater in some muddy hole, and another worried that they'd burned up in the atmosphere due to a damaged heat shield. Both possibilities weighed heavily on my mind.
About three miles out from the estimated landing zone, the scanners in the cockpit began to beep rapidly, jolting me out of my seat near instantly.
"What do we have?" I asked, focusing on Kamille exclusively.
"I think I've found them, a shortwave emergency beacon belonging to your ship." She smiled, looking back at me before returning her focus to the console in front of her. "It looks like they landed on that beach."
I looked out the cockpit window in front of her, spotting said beach. It was a long stretch of sand that licked the edge of the sea, waves crashing against it at regular intervals. I could see a small, shining object protruding from the sand, and what appeared to be an emergency tent next to it.
"That's them!" I yelled out in sudden excitement, pointing at them like a kid who just spotted one of their friends. "Take us down there!"
Mason smiled and nodded, gently lowering our altitude as we glided towards the encampment. As we got closer, I spotted my three crewmembers run out into the open, waving their arms for us to see.
I couldn't contain my happiness. The moment the shuttle touched the sand, I jumped out and ran towards them. I could feel the sand churn beneath me with every step.
"Captain!" Lenlo called out as I ran, stopping right in front of them. "Wow, we're glad to see you!"
"You're not nearly as happy as I am!" I declared, pulling all three of them in for a group hug. I could feel the confusion in the air for a few moments, but it dissipated as they accepted the gesture.
"Um… is everything OK, Captain?" Kirva asked while we were all still huddled together. I couldn't help but let my expression sour just slightly as reality came running back.
"I'll be honest with you three… finding you safe and unharmed has been the highlight of my day." I said, forcing a nervous chuckle as I rubbed the back of my neck.
For some reason, having the weight of their safety off my mind brought back all the feelings and emotions I had experienced earlier in the day. Out of all the images that suddenly flashed through my mind, the one that struck me the hardest was the image of Dan shortly after we pulled him out of that mech, missing half of his leg.
I felt my knees go weak, causing me to collapse into the sand as I started hyperventilating.
"Captain!" Lenlo shouted, kneeling down next to me as I clutched at my chest. I could feel the heat of my body increase as my hands began shaking. "Captain, what's wrong?!"
"Dan...Dan…" I repeated between breaths, trying to force my breathing back to normal as I realized how lightheaded I was getting.
I looked up, staring out at a seemingly endless ocean as tears poured out of my eyes.
"Heh...heh…" I forced, looking at Lenlo who was now crouched down next to me. "I r-really am a mess, huh? Some Captain I turned out to be. Can't keep my ship safe, my friends safe, can't even keep it together in front of my own crew."
"It's alright, sir. None of us are going to judge you." He reassured, getting me to smile despite how badly I wanted to frown. "We know how much weight rests on your shoulders."
"I… appreciate that." I replied, wiping the tears from my eyes. "You always were a good friend, Lenlo."
"I'd do anything for my Captain. All of us would, sir." He nodded, helping me back to my feet.
"Thanks, I really mean it." I nodded, still feeling like shit but significantly better than before. "Let's get back to the colony."
…
Colonial Shuttle "Galm 2", January 20th, 2:13 PM, 2185
…
I sat quietly in the shuttle, listening to music through a pair of earbuds as I focused on trying to calm myself down. I ended up listening to the Long Mix of Callista by Saki Kaskas and Rom Di Prisco. The ethereal sound of it always had a calming effect on me, especially during train and car rides back in day. The passing scenery below the shuttle was a good substitute, even with the lack of g-forces.
I still had a hard time wrapping my head around what I had experience there on that beach. One moment I was happy, shining like a star and thrilled to see my crew, and the next I was a blubbering mess that couldn't stop tearing up. I didn't understand it. I was no psychologist.
"Captain." I heard Biss address, causing me to turn and face him. "I saved this for you, thought you might find it interesting."
He handed me a brownish piece of rock shaped like a long, bent rod. It was surprisingly light for its size, and the outside was covered with particles of sand. I recognized what it was the moment i noticed the bulbous outcroppings on the sides.
"Is this a piece of fulgurite?" I questioned, Biss folding his hands behind his back and nodding. "Wow, I've never actually seen one of these in person before."
"It's mostly silica based on the brief scan i did, t-though it also contains trace elements of copper and aluminum." He explained, pointing at the darker parts of the rock.
"Lighting is a scary thing, I'll tell ya." I mused, looking it over again. "You know, I once went looking for this stuff as a kid in Ocean City. I never found it, of course, but I always thought it was cool either way."
"I'm happy that you like it, sir." He nodded again, walking off and leaving me alone once more.
I thought about what he had done, giving it to me out of the blue like that. Biss wasn't the type of person to randomly hand out gifts to people. It was surprising he'd give me something like this, especially with his hobbies.
It dawned on me several second later that Lenlo and Kirva probably "convinced" him to give it to me to make me feel better. While I had no proof and was in no rush to ask, I still appreciated the gesture regardless.
My omni-tool lit up, overriding my music as several new comm signals popped up, shocking me out of my slump.
"Shepard, what's going on?" I asked into our channel, not wanting anymore surprises waiting for me when we got back.
"The Coalition flotilla just arrived." He answered matter-of-factly, sounding much calmer. "The Normandy is with them."
"They seem a little late to the party, don't you think?" I said in a half mocking, half tired tone.
"Well, there's more to it than that if Joker is to be believed." He rebuffed, pausing for a moment before going on. "Apparently, after sustaining damage and jumping away from the system, they ran into some old friends of ours."
"Those Cerberus bastards… they just keep following us to the ends of the galaxy, don't they?" I sighed, knowing another headache was on its way. "Give me the details."
"Well, sensors detected them on the edge of the system half an hour into the attack while they enacted emergency repairs. The two ships fought briefly before the Normandy crippled their reactor, disabling the vessel." He explained before pausing again. "Um… you might be interested to know Okeer woke up his prized Krogan in the middle of this."
"Great." I bemoaned, rubbing my palms into my eye sockets out of minor frustration. Knowing that there were now two Krogan on our experimental ship was just icing on top the cake at this point.
"To be fair, he was apparently left with no choice. The life support systems for the tank were damaged in the attack, leaving it at risk of suffocation." Shepard argued, trying to keep me calm. "Either way, we've got the Cerberus ship under lockdown. No one's tried to eject using the escape pods yet."
"Yet." I repeated back, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Listen… is there anything you need from me once we get back, because I've got to check on Dan."
"You should be fine for a few hours." He reassured, relieving some of the pressure that had built up in my head. "I'll keep you informed of any new developments."
"Thanks Shepard." I finished, cutting the connection as my music resumed.
The flotilla turned out to be a big late show like I had originally predicted. While I couldn't really blame them, I still wasn't able to shake the anger I felt about the whole situation. If they had been here just a few hours earlier, this all may have turned out quite differently. In the grand scheme of things, we won the battle out of sheer luck and suffered way too many losses in the process.
I checked my omni-tool's message box, seeing I still had yet to receive any updates on Dan's condition from Dimitri. I didn't care by this point. I wanted to see Dan, make sure he was still with us.
He'd do the same for me, after all.
…
A/N: So, I finally had a nice stretch of time to myself for writing, and managed to get this out in a pretty decent timeframe. I usually tend to stay away from overly descriptive writing, especially when it comes to environments, but I forced myself to practice and I think I got a pretty good result from it.
Despite getting it written this fast, I was surprised by how difficult some parts of this chapter were to write. The emotional delivery still needs some work, I think, but it's a slow process testing the waters to see what works. Make sure you guys let me know if there's anything I need to improve.
Fun Fact: When I went to the IRL Dan and told him what I had done to his character, his first reaction was "was it at least the left leg?"
As always, I'd love to read any reviews, and I'm always up for suggestions or constructive criticism. Stay tuned!