The nurse hoisted the baby into Josh's arms and she and Will rushed out of the room so fast that Josh felt a breeze as the door flew shut.
He now stood frozen at the foot of Donna's bed, watching as she indeed stirred and showed signs of waking up. He had never been so scared and so enraged in his entire life. After several seconds of her tossing her head back and forth and letting out deep sighs as if she was exhausted and invigorated all at once, Donna's eyes were suddenly open and staring straight at Josh.
He felt as though she had taken forever to awake and now that she was looking right at him he wanted nothing more for her to go back to sleep and leave him some time to understand. His eyes filled with tears as they held their stare and he realized that he just wanted to understand. He made an attempt to speak, opening his mouth and then closing it, realizing that he didn't even know how to begin. Finally, as he looked down and Ava and back up to Donna he was able to helplessly get out the one question that he felt she must answer for him:
"Is…is she mine?"
Donna began to cry as she brought her hand to cover her mouth and nodded to Josh.
"Yes." She stated apologetically and so quickly that he almost wasn't sure she'd said it.
"Why?" he asked. He looked so broken. He looked worse then anything she could have imagined, worse than when his father died, worse than the PTSD and worse than when she had awoken to see him in Germany, waiting by her bedside.
"Josh." She whispered his name pleading with her eyes for him to forgive her, for him to move closer and not stand there, rigid and angry and clutching their child. "Can I…can I see her again?" The pleading in Donna's voice was unbearable to Josh even as he stood there, hating her. Hating her and loving her all in the same second.
He looked down at the sleeping baby in his arms and for the longest time he didn't move. Donna watched with trepidation as Josh considered her request. Donna thought to herself that he had every right to keep Ava away from her, after all, hadn't she done the same thing to him for months? The scene before her was breaking her heart.
The room was silent save the sounds of Donna's crying and suddenly Josh interrupted Donna's sobs with one of his own and moved around the side of the bed to hand her the baby. Donna took the precious girl and looked from her face into Josh's, seeing there the same shape and undeniable dimple.
Josh was starring directly into Ava's small face but only seeing the likeness of her mother. The same sly mouth, the same light eyelashes and, oh, the beautiful alabaster skin. He felt Donna's eyes boring into him and he turned abruptly toward the door, feeling all to suddenly the need for fresh air, the need to get away.
"JOSH!" Donna's voice was sharp after all the silence and he paused, considering giving her a moment to explain. His anger, however, won and he turned quickly to face her, determined to say his peace and get out. For a second time in the few short minutes Donna had been awake, Josh's expression was completely foreign to her. Her breath caught in her throat as he glared at her with nothing short of hatred and rage.
"How could you do this me Donna?" He was shouting, but not yelling, his voice rose slightly at the end of his question, more accurately his accusation, and he flared his arms wildly as he spoke. He began pacing and couldn't look at her, she was thankful to not have his hateful expression turned on her as she began to speak.
"Josh, at first I didn't know…"
"YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S?"
If not for the incredulousness and hurt in Josh's voice Donna might have laughed at his question. When had it ever been anyone else for her? How could he not think that even if they had never slept together he would be the first thought in her mind at the mention of a family, of a future, and of love? Even if she had slept with ten men in that same week (which for the record she hadn't) of course she didn't think that Ava was somebody else's.
"No, no I knew she was yours." Donna had answered the question quickly and honestly and it only served to make Josh more enraged if not somewhat relieved.
"How long?" He snarled as he quit pacing and glared menacingly toward the bed.
"How long what?" Donna answered his question with a question and if not for his hatred it might have seemed like banter.
"How long have you known?" Now he was gathering the facts, building a case.
"Over six months" she began tentatively "I went the doctor the day after the convention."
She heard him scoff as he resumed his pacing.
"How could you do this to me?" He sounded as if the shock portion of this revelation was finally starting to come to a head. "How could you seduce me, abandon me, and then deceive me for months on end? I don't believe it." He turned toward Donna, staring at her as if she was a stranger.
She felt helpless and chose to ignore his choice of wording, seduction and abandonment, and grasped for any excuse she could manager for what she knew to be an unforgivable action:
"Excuse me if her father was in the middle of a national election and didn't seem ready for a child, a possible scandal and an unavoidable clash from the conservative right for a child out of wedlock!"
Even as Donna was saying the words she knew it wasn't fair. She knew that while those motives were part of her decision, she mainly didn't tell Josh out of fear: fear of disproval, fear of rejection, fear that he would be disappointed in something she had wanted since she met him.
A confused and frustrated look came across his face as he processed her words. He slowly took a deep breath and rubbed his hands through his hair. Donna realized that for the first time since this nightmare began he must be considering the political ramifications of this event. She thought to herself that parenthood had already had a huge affect on him if politics was not his first concern.
"I never said that." He finally stated after a minute of silence. "You never gave me the chance to."
"It's not like you came trying to find me." Even if she deserved it, Donna wasn't about to let this turn into a one sided fight. Months of exhaustion and anger came pouring forth as she delivered her response bitterly. She realized that she had been angry with Josh for not being there for her when he didn't even know she needed him. She began to cry even harder, not sure if it was the medication or the hormones or just the unpleasant situation.
Josh was caught off guard by her tone and the subsequent tears. He moved as if he was going to console her, but instead stopped short and matched her bitterness:
"I wasn't the one who left. I wasn't the one who a BABY to consider."
"I did the best I could, Josh." She was dejected and exhausted but he wouldn't stop.
"The best you could? Do you really believe that? You chose to move away from me, avoid me, and put her life in danger by caring boxes at a library job?"
She felt her emotions switch from sorrow and shame to anger and defensiveness in a second flat. She may not have told the truth to the father of her child but she sure as hell wasn't going to lie there and let him make her out to be some kind of irresponsible mother.
"Screw you, Josh, you don't know the first thing about what would put her endanger, I read the books, I went to the classes and the doctor appointments and I baby proofed my apartment! Don't you come in hear and pretend to know what is best."
"Right." He began smugly, "Lies are best. Secrets are best. Emailing Will is best!"
With the mention of Will's name Donna realized that nothing she could ever say would make up for what she had done. She realized that Josh was going to continue to hatefully highlight every mistake she had made unless she could find someway to get through to him.
She opened her mouth to speak, searching for anything she could say or do to make him realize she was wrong when Ava beat her to the punch.
A small but loud snort/hiccup escaped from the now stirring baby. Alarmed, Donna looked down to the bundle in her arms as Josh simultaneously rushed to the bedside to study her face.
"What was that?" He asked, worry evident in his tone.
"I think it was a hiccup" Donna said hesitantly.
"You think or you know?" Josh asked, now looking up from their daughter and into Donna's eyes, searching for reassurance. "Should I get the nurse?"
"She looks fine." Donna started, "but maybe you should just in case."
"I'll be right back." Josh said, now a man on a mission. He brought his hand up to Donna's arm and as he squeezed it reassuringly he said: "You sit tight."
He was out the door and screaming for a nurse seconds later.