Warnings: Doomsday/Martha (mild); femslash; crack-fic
Pairings: Martha/Rose, Doctor/TARDIS
Word Count: 1170
Summary: Revenge is sweet femslash.
Very Long Disclaimer:
Do not read if you are underage, faint of spirit, or have a weak stomach or good taste.
This is a work of crack, any resemblance to anyone living, dead, or fictional is completely co-incidental. Especially fictional.
I do not own these characters.

Here be crack-fic. Bad, bad crack-fic. They're creating a whole new level of hell for me as we speak.

The soft moan alerted the Doctor as he wandered jauntily down the corridor, trying to plan where to take Martha next. She'd been thoroughly unimpressed by the star fields of Ishtar; of course, that could have been attributed to the fact they accidentally woken up a Shantil that had been sleeping in the vacuum of space for a thousand years and thus hadn't eaten for a thousand years. It's favourite meal? Humanoids. Female humanoids, at that.

They'd escaped, and not at all worse for wear…well, not much…well, Martha's hair would grow back, and that shirt hadn't suited her... Anyway, in a completely unreasonable fit of pique, she'd threatened that the next place they visited had better not have anything that endangered her life, her hair or her clothes, or he wouldn't like the consequences. Worried that it might not be an idle threat, he'd pressed her up against the consol and had his very wicked way with her, and just to make sure, he found her some chocolate ice cream, strawberry sauce and lots of hundreds and thousands.

But, as it turns out, sex and ice cream can only cure so many ills.

It really wasn't his fault that the festival of Karghal was the front for a coup against the government and that somehow they'd gotten involved in trying to keep everything in order (because the coup wasn't actually meant to happen for another 56.7 years). He certainly could not take the blame for the fact that Martha's shoes did not survive the trip; her pants, maybe. And yes, if he'd been a little more careful, she might not have received quite such a nasty burn, but surely her vows of revenge were just pain-induced rantings?

Still, she'd stomped off to bed without him, telling him not to follow. He thought that it was a little unfair how human women seemed to like to withhold sex when punishing men; Rose had often used the same tactic, usually to get him to take her home, or shopping. Although he was a Time Lord and he certainly didn't need it the way human males did…even if Martha did give a fairly awesome blow-job…just the mental image of her hot little mouth wrapping around his…

Shopping! He could take her shopping! Shopping would make everything better – it always had with Rose, and as Martha displayed similar human female behaviour, he was sure she'd be the same. In the 37th century, humans had built up Earth's moon in such a way that the shopping there would be remembered as some of the best shopping Earth had ever had. They'd destroyed it less than fifty years later to turn the moon into a historical preserve, fickle little creatures that they were. During the Third Great and Bountiful Empire, they'd tried to recreate the mall on their second moon, but it had failed miserably.

So, the thirty-seventh century it was! First thing in the morning. All day if she wanted. And she could have much money as it took to get her back into his bed…uh, as she wanted that was. Because he certainly didn't need sex that much, and certainly not with a human.

It was about then that his thoughts were interrupted by that soft little moan, one that he knew very well. One that he hadn't expected to hear tonight, as after all its maker was withholding her favours from him.

Well, he knew that Martha had a few of those toys that human girls liked – they'd experimented with them a couple of times and he could see their popularity, particularly for a race that was far more sexually focussed than he was.

Curious, he decided to go and investigate; if she was feeling horny she might be willing to let him in, whatever her current mood towards him was. Human's were always fairly preoccupied with sex and trying to get it – they didn't necessarily care about their partner as long as the job got done properly. Or maybe it was the procreative urge – they were such a short-lived species, and they seemed bent set on producing as much young as they possibly could.

He was right by Martha's room, so without further worry about whether or not she'd welcome him, he turned the handle. However, when he opened her door, it took even his rather incredible brain a few seconds to process what it was seeing: Martha, stripped down to her black lacy bra and knickers (the very sexy ones), wrapped around another body. Another human body. Another human female body. A familiar, human female body, whose pale, pale skin contrasted with Martha's darker hue very enticingly. Said human looked up at him with a hazy, aroused and very triumphant smile.

"Hello, Doctor," Rose said in a voice that absolutely did not make him shiver. Rose, unlike Martha, was still in her jeans, but they were unbuttoned, and she was completely topless. Oh yes, he'd forgotten about Rose's rather beautiful breasts.

"R-r-rose! What are you doing here?"

"Well, seeing as you never shut-up about her," Martha said, "I asked the TARDIS about her, about what made her so wonderful, and the TARDIS brought her here for me to meet. Turns out, she's got talents you never mentioned."

And to think he'd actually made an effort to be polite and not mention his former lover while in bed with his current one.

"Bu-but that's imp-possible?" When had he lost control of his TARDIS? And since when did he stutter? He was far too manly for that! He was the Doctor! There was a vague sense of amusement from the TARDIS as she reminded him that he'd never asked her what she knew about void travel. She was older than him, after all, and she did hold all the power in the universe inside her.

"Guess you didn't try hard enough," Rose said starting a little harshly but ending in a moan as Martha's lips settled around her breast. He back arched and she cupped Martha's head, brining the other woman closer.

What was it Mickey had said about the ex and the missus? He doubted the other man had been picturing this, although some of what had turned up in Mickey's room after he'd left might suggest otherwise. Mickey had a very active imagination, fuelled by some very interesting mags. Rose had snorted and tossed them into the rubbish, but when she wasn't looking the Doctor had rescued them, telling himself that they were valuable research tools.

Through his growing dismay, the Doctor became aware of just how tight his pants were, and he wondered just how amendable the two women on the bed would be to him joining them. As it turned out, both seemed to be flexible in more than one way, and both he knew were very talented: he could just imagine what two women paying attention to him might be like.

Sadly, his hopes were dashed when Martha pulled away and settled herself mouth closer to Rose's.

"Don't worry, dear," Martha said, "I've got you, now. I won't abandon you in a parallel universe." She turned her sharp gaze on the Doctor, message clear. "Do you mind?"

The Doctor backed out of the bedroom feeling disappointed, more than a little hurt, and far too turned on for his own good. But he hadn't got further than a couple of steps when he felt a gentle pressure against his crotch, as if a hand was cupping him there, and a slightly tickle in the back of his mind. The TARDIS wanted him to know why she had brought Rose back – contrary to what Martha and Rose believed, she wanted him for herself, she was tired of sharing him with other people, tired of not having him when she wanted him.

Oh yes, he'd forgotten about that. Forgotten how the TARDIS could be, forgotten what it was like to have sex with her. She was much better than any little human, she could fill him, be all around him.

Not questioning the mental manipulation, the Doctor happily headed off to bed.

Part of me wants to write a sequel to this, but I have a feeling it will well and truly get me kicked out of fandom. I have only myself, and my twisted brain, to blame.