Author's Notes: Well, they're at the bottom this time. Most of the notes, I mean. Enjoy!
Pitdroid: I know what you mean. I always just kind of want to smack Leia and then sort of shove some reason into her head…and I'm writing it. So much for me being in charge. These characters just sort of do their own thing, you know, and I just sort of describe it as it happens! Anyway, I figured the gooey politeness of Isolder and the hot-headed-ness from Han would help it make more sense that Leia is hesitating- not too much as a really big factor, but at least as a small thing that represents how tough her choice is. At least, tough when you take into account the outside world…
Sue: Well, it would be cheating if I told you who Leia ended up with, but…well…never mind. I'll be good and not say anything more.
Audreidi: Han kidnapping Isolder does have a certain appeal to it, but I've already written past where that is a possibility. Unfortunate. I could get great satisfaction out of having Han completely demolish Isolder in a fistfight or something…
Stormygurlz: Oh, I'm glad you thought Isolder's eloquence was effective! That's exactly where I was trying to go with it. And as for Han getting Leia to Dathomir…well, all I'll say about that is that I think it portrays their relationship a little better than that whole gun thing.
Chapter 4:
Han's last thoughts upon falling asleep had been a reflection of his present state of mind. No matter how relaxing his bath had been, how delicious his dinner, how exciting the smashball game he'd watched while eating, how comfortable the bed, and how satisfying his evening of gambling, none of it had really helped. First girl I've ever met that I couldn't get over with a few ales and some sabacc…that ought to mean something!
His first thought upon waking up was: gambling didn't help…but this blasted planet just might…
Leia's first thoughts upon waking had been considerably less optimistic, as the recollection that she had another council meeting that morning assaulted her memory. She sighed as she began her morning routine: get out of bed, gulp down a nutri-drink, endure a sonic shower (not enough time to waste real water on), wish for Alderaan's abundant water supply, brush her hair, put it up (stabbing pins in her hands when in a hurry), dress, glance in the mirror, and rush out of the apartment towards the turbo-lift. Han hadn't come back last night. Not that it came as a surprise, but she still had to suppress the waves of worry and regret that rose sneakily in her chest and threatened to choke her. If anything had happened to him…but it hadn't. Of course it hadn't. Nothing ever happened to Han. It couldn't. But she did acknowledge that the only thing that ever made the monotony of her mornings worthwhile was his presence…or at least the anticipation of it. And now she didn't even have that. Her worry turned to anger. How dare he make me worry like this? He knows I have enough to worry about as it is!
Her thought was interrupted by Threepio walking into the room.
"Your highness, there is someone at the door," he announced, reminding Leia that she'd had the door's sound mechanism turned off last night, "what shall I tell him?"
Leia recalled at that moment that Isolder had mentioned walking her to Council meetings, an economical way to spend time together, in view of her busy schedule. Yeah, schedule that I've been ignoring. And for who? For Han. Annoyance threatened to rise again, but she took a deep breath to fight it back down, calming herself as best she could before proceeding to the door.
"Good morning," Isolder greeted her as she stepped out of the apartment with her datapad carrier slung over her shoulder.
"Let's make a trade," he said, handing her a bouquet of deep blue flowers interrupted every once in a while with smaller yellow flowers. In exchange, he reached for her carrier.
"Those are Hapan apology flower," he offered when Leia looked at him with an unreadable expression in her eyes.
"We give them when we want to apologize to someone. The blue represents our regret and sadness at having hurt someone. The yellow expresses our hope that the wrong can be righted and the relationship salvaged," he finished, taking a deep breath at the end. For a prince, he seemed awfully nervous. Could it be that a prince of somewhere as prestigious as Hapes was actually allowing emotion to show? Or was it all a charade? Leia had always thought that she was a better-than-average judge of character and sincerity, a side effect, no doubt, of her early and continuous exposure to politics. And he seemed sincere…which made it all the worse. If you let yourself start to like him, there won't be any reason to hold onto Han…but she blocked that thought.
"I know what Hapan apology flowers are," she said, her tone coming off as more icy than she meant it to.
"I thank you," she amended more gently, "they're beautiful." She wondered if she should go back into her apartment and put them in some water. But she really didn't want to take the chance that someone would see her with Isolder, going into her apartment. And she was already running late as it was. She switched them from one arm to the other, and tucked her newly freed arm into Isolder's, as was becoming their habit. She'd just have to put them somewhere in her office…
"I'm honored that you know of our traditions. So you must know that it is customary to put a card on them explaining what we are sorry about. I suppose it comes from the Hapan pride- too proud to apologize in person. But I decided that I owed you a real apology. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry I kissed you like that last night; I should have asked you first. But then I realized that I wasn't really sorry that I had kissed you- I have never felt anything so perfect as kissing you- but that I had done it without your permission and possibly offended you in the process. So I beg your forgiveness for that and I promise that I will ask permission, the next time I feel inclined to kiss you," Isolder said quietly. Leia didn't know what to say, so she was silent until they arrived at her office.
When they got there, after a quick and uneventful speeder-ride, she realized that she had made a stupid error. Her office was on a far busier corridor than her apartment, and she was going to be seen with Isolder anyway. She shook her head, annoyed at herself. The media's camera crews were already in view.
Han tugged at his collar nervously, wishing he hadn't worn it. He was uncomfortable enough with the situation without his clothes adding to the problem. He was sitting in the waiting room of Leia's building, something he'd never tried before. Usually, he just went up and waited in her apartment. But, he'd discovered, the more genteel unexpected guests had the habit of waiting in the waiting room until their host returned, and then waiting another half hour or so before going up to visit. If polite and gallant and all that crap she gets from him is what she wants, that's what she'll get!
Leia's building was a fairly fancy one, and their 'waiting room' was decorated accordingly. In some places, the lobby had a few chairs that people could wait in, but here there was a separate room with its own bar and several holo-screens, all displaying the news channel. He finally seated himself on one of the luxurious sofas and turned his attention to the news, hoping to pass the time until one of the specially programmed droids would alert him that Leia had returned. He was immediately sorry.
Instead of covering a local smashball game or something equally pleasant, the news had picked that particular hour (when all of the gossiping old sentients with nothing better to do would be watching) to update with the latest information on what they had begun to call 'The Courtship of Princess Organa.' Han restrained an annoyed growl as Leia ambled down the hall arm in arm with the Prince. He was carrying her carrier, she was carrying a large bouquet of showy flowers, and their heads were bent together. It appeared that she was listening as he whispered something. When they arrived at her door, the Prince graciously held the flowers as well while Leia allowed the lock to scan her palm. They went in together. Han gripped the arms of his chair to keep from jumping out of it. When they appeared again at the door, Isolder bowed low over her hand and kissed it chivalrously before sauntering down the corridor away from the camera. Leia, seeming to notice the cameras, graced them with a smile and waved cheerfully in their direction before retreating into her office. Han did his best not to be sick.
When the droid finally gave him the signal that Leia had returned, he jumped up and ran to the turbo-lift, hoping that he had timed it right. He had.
The door of the turbo-lift appeared to reveal Leia and Isolder, arm-in-arm once again.
"Well, hello!" he exclaimed in a mock-jovial voice, gritting his teeth together in an exaggerated smile, "fancy finding you here, Prince, ah, what was your name again?"
"Isolder of Hapes," Isolder told him, flashing a taut smile that clearly said 'who is this peasant jerk?' in Han's direction, "and to what do I owe your pleasant, ah, interruption?"
"Oh, interrupting, am I? Well, gee, that's too bad. I don't know if you know who I am- I doubt you would, coming from that backwards system of yours, and all- but around here I'm known as General or Captain Solo, depending on who you talk to. And when you're in my presence, it's usually polite to let go of my girlfriend's arm and at least pretend you're not trying to, shall we say, seduce her, okay?" he said in a voice that bordered on sounding manic.
"That being said," he continued, turning to Leia "how was your day, sweetheart? Was it stressful? You're usually stressed when you get home from work. Let's see, now, what do we usually do for that? Well, here, may I?" he carefully slid himself behind Leia, "Let me just see if we can't loosen you up a bit."
He began to massage her shoulders roughly, not noticing that he was taking out his anger and pain on her back, "see, being the Princess's lover, it's usually my job to take care of her after work. You know, give her a little backrub, like so, and make some dinner and stuff like that…be a nice guy in general, you know? But, obviously, being a nice guy isn't really your specialty, so if you'd just…"
"Um, I think I'm good now, Han," Leia muttered, trying to fake a smile, "anyway, this is our stop. Thank you for the lovely walk home, Isolder. I will see you…um, later. Han, uh…" Han got off with her and flashed Isolder another exaggerated smile as the door closed, separating them.
Leia pivoted on her heel and stalked down the corridor to her apartment, with Han close behind her, both of them fuming.
She should have shut the door on him right there and then. She knew it. Let them both cool down a bit, come back and discuss it tomorrow. But, of course, she didn't. Too eager to vent her anger on him, she ushered him into the apartment, her mouth set in a furious line, and slapped the door switch violently. She waited precisely the five and a half seconds it took to close before whirling to face him,
"What is your problem? What was that, Han? Were you returning to your toddler years or something? That was ridiculous! Can you imagine what the media will do to us if they happened to get that? Gods, Han, I thought even you couldn't be that…that juvenile!" she said, packing as much fury and anger into her words as possible. Han was not in a listening mood.
"Oh, yeah. So cuddling with Prince Perfect in public is just fine, especially when you're already seeing someone else, may I remind you! But when I show up to try to defend myself- oh, no, that's just not allowed!" Han retorted, his words bathed in sarcasm.
"You know what, Han? We don't always get what we want. Just because the person you're seeing happens to have contact with another male sentient doesn't mean you can go rampaging all over the place for all the galaxy to see!"
Han uttered a cry of rage and frustration, not finding any words sufficient to convey his feelings. Leia stood on the balls of her feet, leaning forward, counting the seconds until it was safe to assume that Han had run out of things to say and had to admit defeat. She was completely surprised by his next outburst.
"Gods, Leia, what's happening here? What's happening to us, to you?" he finally asked in a tortured voice. Leia rocked back to her heels, so completely devoid of any answer that she allowed him to continue.
"I don't get it. We love each other. We both know it. I just don't see how you can throw that away for some money, Leia. We're not talking renewable resources, here. This is love we're talking about. How often do you find what we have together?" he continued. If she hadn't been so angry, Leia might have enjoyed one of the few moments she'd ever experienced when Han had opened himself completely to her. He must really be desperate… But she was too far gone to stop now.
"Han…we can't always have what we want. I…I do love you. You know that. But…I'm sorry, Han. I've messed up too many times before. I can't fail the people who're counting on me again. Sometimes you have to sacrifice for your duty, Han, and right now it's my duty to do whatever I can to make sure this baby government we've got here grows up healthy and strong," she finally said, not able to meet his eyes. Her emotions jerked around brutally inside of her, resisting her own words. She continued anyway, "I mean, can you imagine what would've happened to the rebellion if we'd all been selfish. Like if you'd left? See, you do it, too. You didn't leave the rebellion; you stuck with it, to the point where it almost got you killed. Well, I have to stick with it now. I have to protect what I know is right. Can you imagine all the things that would've happened if we all hadn't then? If I hadn't?"
She's missing the point, damn it, this is what's right! Han's thoughts were fiery and blazed red in his mind, how can she be so blind? His frustration welled up inside him in a huge wave, overwhelming his brain and any sensible thoughts it might contain before exploding out in his words.
"What would've happened? Your gods-damned planet blew up, Leia! What more could've gone wrong?" he shouted at her. Immediately, as he had known it would, icy regret gripped his heart and his eyes opened wide. All color had drained from Leia's face; her expression was as stony as he'd ever seen it.
"I'm sorry. Leia, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that; I would never say anything like that in my right mind. I didn't mean it," he babbled almost as immediately. Leia stared down at her hands, any evidence of rational thought having left her face.
"I know," she finally said, "but you did say it. Get out."
"Leia, please," he all but begged, "this is ridiculous. It's not the point. The point is that I love you, and we belong together, no matter what it means for the universe. Leia, I never believed in love before I met you. But I've learned a few things since then. And one of them is that when you have something like this…you don't just throw it away, no matter what it costs."
Leia didn't move. And so he stalked out, not looking back. He didn't want to see the tears that he knew would be on her face; knowing that she wasn't his to comfort anymore would have been too much. And he no longer had the right to let her see his tears, either.
Author's Notes: I'm especially concerned with your thoughts on this chapter. I think I'm best at writing plain descriptive stuff with lots of flowery language and such. Dialogue and drama are really not my forte, but I'm working on it. So I'd really like to know what you thought of the argument scene. I was going for emotional but realistically so…but then again, it may have come off as contrived and melodramatic. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated!