L'EDgendary

by dobanochi

A few years since we last saw any of them, the Peach Creek Boys and the Merry Men run into one another at just the right time, working together to undermine an oppressive city government as well as their burgeoning insecurities. An action-comedy-drama character study about friendship, leadership, self-esteem, and the divide between who we're born as and who we choose to be.

18. Auxiliary Document 2

18. "Auxiliary Document 2"

The following recording was provided courtesy of the National Security Administration's Record Everything Indiscriminately (REI) program. It was acquired by our editors at great expense and inconvenience and was transcribed on October 7, 2019.

Little is known about the two individuals in the recording, who refer to one another solely as "Bro" and "Pipsqueak", although inconclusive hints toward their identities are given throughout their conversation. The call was traced to a payphone operated by BellSouth at the corner of Peachtree Parkway and Grove Street in Peach Creek, Delaware, and a disposable cell phone purchased and activated at a Circuit City in Zootopia Heights, Oregon.

(call begins)

"BRO": Why, could this be my little brother, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, it's been one sentence and you're already on the Pipsqueak shit?

"BRO": (gasps) Pipsqueak! Watch your language! Where did you ever learn a naughty word like that? Somebody's been watching too much cable TV and not enough PBS!

"PIPSQUEAK": And you think you're so fucking suavé because you gave up using swear words?

"BRO": 'Hey, in business, you gotta present yourself as friendly, confident, and intelligent, and for better or worse, swearing makes people think you're none of those things. Ask Mom and Dad and they'll tell you the same thing.

"PIPSQUEAK": I still think you just did it because you have a thing for 'good girls' who don't swear.

"BRO": What can I say? The best decisions are made for more than one good reason.

"PIPSQUEAK": But seriously, how did you know it was me?

"BRO": Because the number that popped up on my screen was the same one that called me half an hour ago, with a robot lady asking me if I'd like to accept a collect call from my baby brother, to which I thought, oh, I'd love to talk to my baby brother for the first time in, what, a year? But I really wish he loved me enough to pay for the call himself! After all, he's a big boy now, he doesn't need his big bro paying for everything for him-

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, now I am paying for this call, Bro, and time is money. The more you talk, the more you're wasting my time.

"BRO": But why oh why would you call me if you didn't want me to talk?

"PIPSQUEAK": For you to listen. Then tell me your thoughts about what I have to say. Capiche?

"BRO": Si, signore.

"PIPSQUEAK": Huh?

(approximately two seconds of silence)

"BRO": So anyway, I thought, okay, half an hour, that's about how long it would take for Baby Bro to walk his widdle wegs back home, steal some quarters from Mommy's purse like a naughty little fox, and walk back to the pay phone by the -

"PIPSQUEAK": I didn't steal from Mom's purse, Bro.

"BRO": Oh? Is that so? You're spending your money on a phone call with me instead of overdosing on jawbreakers? Aw, Pipsqueak, you must really love me-

"PIPSQUEAK": Goddammit, Bro, will you cut it out with the Pipsqueak shit?

"BRO": You're using naughty words again, Pipsqueak!

"PIPSQUEAK": Stop calling me Pipsqueak!

"BRO": What's the magic word?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Please.

"BRO": Very good, Pipsqueak!

"PIPSQUEAK": What the hell, Bro, I just said please!

"BRO": Indeed you did, but unfortunately your request has been formally denied by the board of directors.

"PIPSQUEAK": Get fucked, Bro.

"BRO": See? You're not calling me by my real name, either!

"PIPSQUEAK": Because it feels weird to call you by your real name! That'd be like calling Mom and Dad Antónia and Terrance.

"BRO": Well, it would feel weird for me to call you something besides Little Bro, Baby Bro, or Pipsqueak. Take your pick!

"PIPSQUEAK": You can just call me 'Bro' too, you know. It's not like that could refer to anybody else when you're saying it.

"BRO": No, no, 'Bro' is me, we can't share a title. That simply won't do.

"PIPSQUEAK": As long as I'm not Pipsqueak.

"BRO": Actually, wait. Didn't you get that care package I sent you two years ago with the baby rattle and diapers and stuff in it? The one addressed to "Pipsqueak"? Didn't even have your real name on it anywhere?

"PIPSQUEAK": Aw, Jesus, don't remind me-

"BRO": Well, if it's good enough for the United States Postal Service, it's good enough for me! And Pipsqueak you shall be, now, always, and forever!

"PIPSQUEAK": ...oh, brother.

"BRO": Yup, that's me, alright! So tell me, Pipsqueak, what inspired you to call me? Are Mom and Dad making you do it?

"PIPSQUEAK": Mom and Dad don't know I'm calling and I don't want you to tell them I did. That's why I'm not calling you from the house phone.

"BRO": My lips are sealed, Pip.

"PIPSQUEAK": So… I may… have… recently… come into some money.

"BRO": Really! Congratulations, Pipsqueak! How much and how'd you get it?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… what's seven times twenty?

"BRO": Pipsqueak, you landed a hundred and forty dollars?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh, y-yeah, I… guess I did.

"BRO": Look at that. A little pipsqueak who doesn't even know intermediate multiplication can get ahead in this country! And a fox no less! God bless America!

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, shut up- uh… wait, why'd you have to mention the species thing?

"BRO": Hm? Oh, sorry, Pipsqueak, I just… you know, as much as this town I'm in was definitely the best place to set up my business, I've gotta say, there's an undercurrent of racial tensions here that they just don't have anywhere else. This city thinks it's so progressive and diverse and accommodating, but… this is gonna sound terrible to say, but it's almost like having all these species crammed into close quarters just brings out the ugly side of the mammalian class that we still haven't solved, and nobody has the balls to confront it because nobody wants to admit that these ugly thoughts exist in all of us to some extent… I'm sorry, Pipsqueak, this's just been on my mind a lot recently. Am I boring you?

"PIPSQUEAK": Yes and no.

"BRO": Well long story short, a fox is probably one of the worst things you can be in this town. An entire species of trickster predators? Oh, hoho, no thank you! I swear, I could be walking down the street here, and a, I dunno, a sheep wearing a t-shirt that says 'I molest children' could be walking down the other side of the street in the same direction, and if a bunny and her kid were walking down the street toward me, they might still cross to the other side. The prey kids in N-Town might've dogpiled me and beat me silly, but I could swear on a bible that I don't think some of the ridiculous things that happen here would happen back home.

"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus Christ, Bro… so why do you stay there, then?

"BRO": Diverse market means diverse money-making opportunities. Makes the day-to-day descrimination worth it, honestly. You'll understand when you're older.

"PIPSQUEAK": Oh… kay…

"BRO": Plus the powers-that-be in this town are so wrapped up in keeping the peace that they haven't noticed that I haven't paid my taxes.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Oh.

"BRO": At all.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hm.

"BRO": Ever. No one's recording this, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, you know I don't know how to record this. That'd be more Double-D's bag. Who else would be recording this? The government?

"BRO": Hm, well, you never know, Pipsqueak. If they are, hopefully they don't think we're interesting enough to be worth listening to, eh?

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro… now you got me thinking that that little shit bunny Jimmy might be even more racist than I thought he was.

"BRO": Whoa! Pipsqueak! Remember, assuming people are prejudiced is still prejudice! We're supposed to be better than them! ...Jimmy was the little snow-white bunny whose stepdad was a moose, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": His stepdad's not around anymore. I heard from Ed's sister that he got into a fight with Jimmy's mom because he forced Jimmy to start practicing hockey and it made the little shit cry like a baby. And because the guy barely fit in their house.

"BRO": Jeez, that's rough. But I'm thinking of the right kid, right? Hutchins or Hutchinson or something?

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, same bunny.

"BRO": Pipsqueak, I only remember that bunny being a little kid, and even then I got really bad vibes from him. Don't assume all bunnies are racist, but fuck Jimmy as an individual.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hey! Now you said a cuss word!

"BRO": I indulge sometimes. But back to the buck-forty. Where'd you get it?

"PIPSQUEAK": So, uh, that part ain't so important.

"BRO": Oh. I get it. Don't worry, Pip. Lips are sealed.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Hush. Anyway, I got the money yesterday, then I went down to the candy store this morning with a giant garbage bag, I bought three of the Japan-flavored jawbreakers and one of each of all the rest of the flavors they had-

"BRO": Wow, somebody's ballin'!

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but it's a small store, so they only had a couple dozen flavors. I'll go online later and find more.

"BRO": Have fun buying stuff off the internet without a credit card. Does The Candy Store still carry those super-sour Chernobyl-flavored ones? Those were my favorite as a kid.

"PIPSQUEAK": Actually, they stopped selling them, like, last year I think. I think they were so sour they were making kids' mouths bleed.

"BRO": Aw, that's a bummer. And the name probably wasn't good PR, either.

"PIPSQUEAK": So the cashier rang me up, and he was lookin' at me like he thought I was completely nuts, but then I handed him a twenty and I asked him if he could give me quarters for change.

"BRO": Ballin' indeed, Pipsqueak!

"PIPSQUEAK": And he hands me a few, and I think, this can't be enough, but then he says to give him a second and he goes under the counter and just hands me one of those rolls of quarters. Like, the ones they give you at the bank. He doesn't even unroll them, he just gives them to me.

"BRO": You stumped him, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": So I head home, and I have one of the Japan-flavored ones as I think about how I'm gonna ask you what I need to ask you, and then I have the London-flavored one because I still don't know how to ask you what I need to ask you… and then I have the Texas-flavored one because I still don't know how to ask you-

"BRO": What do you want to ask me, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I'm tellin' ya, Bro, I still don't know.

"BRO": Well, Pipsqueak, while I would normally tell you that time is money and I hate wasting my time, I think I'll make an exception since I so rarely get to talk to you. I've got all the time in the world, Pip; take your time and maybe the words will come to you.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, I walked over to the payphone, and I tried calling collect first because I forgot the fuckton of quarters at home-

"BRO": Forgot. Sure ya did. It's alright, Pipsqueak, frugality is a virtue.

"PIPSQUEAK": No, seriously, I just forgot them at home.

"BRO": Alright, Pipsqueak, I'm just trying to save you from sounding forgetful.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Fuck you, Bro. So yeah, I have the quarters in a Ziploc baggie, and I've already had to feed the phone a few times since we started talking, and these quarters aren't gonna last forever.

"BRO": And I have a finite quantity of minutes on this prepaid cheapie cell phone, Pipsqueak, so I guess that makes us even. So let's not waste another minute of our precious quality time together. What's happened to you since I last saw you, Pipsqueak? What are you up to?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… nothing much, I guess, I just graduated middle school-

"BRO": Aw, Pipsqueak's growing up! But is Pipsqueak growing up? You didn't tell me what you were up to, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… y-y'mean-?

"BRO": Like how Dad always used to say, what are you up to?

"PIPSQUEAK": (faint sounds of nervous breathing)

"BRO": As in height-wise.

"PIPSQUEAK": Man-! FUCK YOU! Fuck you, Bro! Fuck you!

"BRO": Aw, chill out, Pipsqueak! I haven't seen you in years! I need help envisioning you! Did you finally hit that growth spurt we were all waiting on?

"PIPSQUEAK": (flustered muttering) -yes. Yes, I did, Bro.

"BRO": Awesome! I'm happy for you, Pipsqueak. So what are you up to? Did you finally hit three feet?

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, I did! And now I'm only four inches away from normal, and only nine inches away from Dad!

"BRO": So you mean two inches away from normal.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...No, four.

"BRO": Normal for a guy is three-two.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...No, it's three-four. Three-two is women.

"BRO": It's three-two. Women's average is three even.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...We- we're talking about just us reds, right? Not the smaller foxes?

"BRO": Indeed we are.

"PIPSQUEAK": Then why the hell do I specifically remember overhearing Mom say it was three-four for guys and three-two four women?

"BRO": I dunno, Pipsqueak, why do I remember overhearing Mom on the phone with her friend about how much of a bummer it is to be a tall girl and that she would only date guys three-four or taller? She slid the numbers in her own head until she believed them herself. Mom's secretly extremely particular about her guys, Pipsqueak. There's a reason she married a giant like Dad.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...GODDAMMIT!

"BRO": What's wrong, Pip?

"PIPSQUEAK": If the average is lower than I thought it was, then that means that it's even more unlikely I'll ever get to be as big as you or Dad since apparently you two are even more freakishly tall than I thought! Like, seriously, where the hell did you two get your genes from?

"BRO": Pipsqueak, don't sweat the small stuff - no pun intended. You're a fox, Pip. You can be head and shoulders taller than all the other foxes you know and you're still gonna be a short guy in the eyes of society. Our people got a reputation for being shifty hucksters because that's who we had to be; how else can a tiny predator get ahead in the world?

"PIPSQUEAK": (breathing)

"BRO": ...I'll tell you what, Pipsqueak. This is some dead-serious life advice right here: size only matters if you let it matter. I don't care if you're trying to prove your leadership, or if you're trying to get in a girl's pants, or if you're just trying to get people to dignify you as a fully-fledged person. If you carry yourself well and exude confidence, no one's gonna care how tall you are. Like I always told myself, Pippo, never let them see that they get to ya.

"PIPSQUEAK": (breathing)

"BRO": You run out of quarters, Pip?

"PIPSQUEAK": You just reminded me how I met a fox who was five feet tall the other day.

"BRO": ...Oh, no, you didn't.

"PIPSQUEAK": I did, though.

"BRO": I'm having trouble believing this, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": So did I when I met him, but he's real.

"BRO": Was he a basketball player at one of the colleges?

"PIPSQUEAK": No, he was… he was just a regular guy.

"BRO": Did he have a cane or a walker or something like that since our bodies aren't meant to be that huge?

"PIPSQUEAK": No, no, he was… just a regular guy.

"BRO": Because I remember reading a book in the elementary school library that was just little biographies about the tallest people from every species to ever live. I remember the blurb about the tallest fox because his was a little longer. His name was McLeod or something and he was five-eight, but he couldn't get any circulation to his legs so they lopped them off and gave him metal prosthetics. And apparently that prevented him from joining the Army to fight in World War I, so he joined the first-ever group of fighter pilots instead. Then the Red Baron shot him down. Apparently even Snoopy couldn't save him. Come to think of it, our people and people in general really ought to do more to remember him as an American hero, seeing as he circumvented a massive handicap to achieve his goal, only to die for our country. But my point being that he was handicapped, because our people aren't built to be that big.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": I really doubt this person you're talking about exists, Pippy.

"PIPSQUEAK": He did though!

"BRO": Then why are you telling me about him? Even if you did see a tall, lanky guy like this, what's so important about him?

"PIPSQUEAK": It just… seemed like an interesting thing you'd find… interesting?

"BRO": Is this the reason you called me?

"PIPSQUEAK": What!? No! I-I called you to talk about something else. I-I-I just remembered the guy because you mentioned that we could be giants and we'd still be midgets to everybody else, a-and I met the guy when he was, uh, hanging out with bigger guys, so, like, exactly what you said, big to us is small to them, and… I dunno, it just went perfectly with what you said about, like, the dichotomy of being a big fox-

"BRO": Waaait, wait, wait, Pipsqueak… did you just say 'dichotomy'?

"PIPSQUEAK": Huh? Yeah. Why?

"BRO": Where on earth did my little Pipsqueak learn a word like that?

"PIPSQUEAK": Double-D was trying to help me with my vocab homework and the piece of shit laughed for five minutes when I mispronounced it 'dick-uh-tome-ee'. So I made myself learn it just to shove it in his face for thinking I'm stupid.

"BRO": That's the spirit, Pip! Channel your frustration to make yourself into a better person. Attaboy.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": ...Jeez, though, dichotomy?

"PIPSQUEAK": Will you let go of it already?

"BRO": 'Kay. I will. Let's go back to this really tall fox you swear you met just… walking down the street the other day.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, Bro, he was real, and you can believe it or not, but that's the truth.

"BRO": And that's how you clinch it when you're spinning a yarn! I'm proud of you, Pippy.

"PIPSQUEAK": Gee, thanks, asshole.

"BRO": If he was real, Pipsqueak, then what was his name?

"PIPSQUEAK": His name? I- Jeez, I don't know, Bro! I didn't get the guy's name! I didn't really… talk to him.

"BRO": You said five pages ago that you 'met' him.

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, well… you can meet someone and talk… to them without really talking with them.

"BRO": A solid argument. One point to Pipsqueak!

"PIPSQUEAK": I just brought him up because… because it was like, jeez, how can anybody be this perfect?

"BRO": I'm sure he wasn't perfect, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": He sure seemed perfect to me, Bro.

"BRO": Jesus, Pip, you really seem kind of bummed about this. You really are hung up on the size thing, aren't you?

"PIPSQUEAK": It wasn't just the size thing, Bro, it was-

"BRO": Well, hey, you said you finally hit three feet a few minutes ago, so you're doing all you can do for yourself! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I did?

"BRO": Did what?

"PIPSQUEAK": I said that?

"BRO": That you did! Now let's prove it!

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh…

"BRO": Go to the fridge.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...What?

"BRO": Go to the fridge. Grab the parmesan cheese that Dad always keeps on the highest shelf. Shake the can in front of the phone so I can hear it.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bro-

"BRO": The sound of parmesan cheese being shaken is a sound you can't confuse for anything else in the world. Play that instrument for me, Pipsqueak, and I'll believe the story of your growth spurt wholeheartedly.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bro, I'm at a phone booth two blocks from our house.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Remember?

"BRO": Ah! That's right! Looks like Big Bro scored an own-goal! One more point for Pippy Longstocking!

"PIPSQUEAK": Shut the hell up, Bro.

"BRO": You haven't actually had your growth spurt yet, have you?

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": I hear you loud and clear, Pipsqueak. So what did you want to tell me?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I guess I wanted to talk business.

"BRO": Aw, wittle Pipsqueak wants to talk business with Big Bro? Pipsqueak wants to be like me! That's so cute!

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro-

"BRO": I'm flattered, Pipsqueak, but I gotta ask why you aren't taking this to Mom and Dad first.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You know what, Bro? How flattered are you?

"BRO": Beyond words.

"PIPSQUEAK": Really?

"BRO": Mmhmm.

"PIPSQUEAK": Really really?

"BRO": Cross my heart, hope to die.

"PIPSQUEAK": Then cut back on the baby talk or I will take this to Mom and Dad instead of bothering to ask what the hell you think about this. You want me to admire you? Then act like somebody I should fucking admire. Alright?

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": Alright?

"BRO": You've stood your ground and I respect that.

"PIPSQUEAK": Good.

"BRO": So what's up?

"PIPSQUEAK": (deep breath) ...I do want to be like you, Bro. Or, wait - let me rephrase that: I wanna be like who I think you are, Bro. So that's why I wanna talk business. And life. I wanna know more about you so I can know if I should wanna be like you.

"BRO": ...You really wanna be like me?

"PIPSQUEAK": I think so, Bro. And maybe I should, or maybe I shouldn't. Depends on how you answer these questions, Bro.

"BRO": Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Just be real with me, Bro. Don't lie to me to make yourself look better. I need to know who you really are for once in my life.

"BRO": Don't lie to you? Sweetheart, we're foxes, lying is what we do!

"PIPSQUEAK": Okay, fuck it, I'm hanging up. Later, Bro.

"BRO": Wait, Pipsqueak, no!

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I'm listening?

"BRO": ...So... you want to be like me.

"PIPSQUEAK": I've always looked up to you, Bro. Didn't you ever notice? Or were you two busy making money and trying to move out early to notice your little brother? I mean, for fuck's sakes, to this day - to this day, Bro - when someone around here isn't giving me the respect I deserve - in the cul-de-sac, at school, wherever - I remind them who my brother is and they get their act together. You're a legend around these parts, Bro. There's only one person I could want to be like when all I can see is that I'm living in their shadow.

"BRO": Um… wow. I really… I really never noticed. But hey, Pipsqueak, this means a lot to me-

"PIPSQUEAK": So you were ignoring me all these years while I idolized ya?

"BRO": Hey, kid, I'm sorry. I had my own goals and Mom and Dad were pissed that I was making more money than them on some days. They probably still are.

"PIPSQUEAK": They're more pissed that you moved out when you were still in high school. Like… Mom said once that she felt like it was a slap in the face, like you were telling them they were shitty parents.

"BRO": Well if those two idiots say that again when you're around, remind them that I was saving them money by moving out. And for the record, Pip, when I moved out, I just quit school and got my GED, which was legitimately the easiest test I'd taken since sixth grade. But hey, seriously, it means a lot to hear that right now. That you idolized me. I'm not gonna lie, Pipsqueak, this… I was just thinking recently that I was hoping to be further along by now.

"PIPSQUEAK": Further along?

"BRO": Yeah, you know. With business. With life. It's been five years since I moved out and I'm still only a couple steps past square one.

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, what the hell are you talking about?

"BRO": I guess after running the suburbs like a well-oiled machine, I just thought I could move to the big city and work the same magic. Instead it took me something like a dozen tries to find a city I could do business in, and it's one where people are more judgmental than they are anywhere else I've ever been in my life. But they want my products enough to put their hard feelings aside for two minutes, and they didn't do that anywhere else as much as they're doing it here. And I've had more luck finding business partners here than I have in other places, so I can't complain. But I was hoping to have gotten my footing a lot earlier than this; maybe if I had, I would have made something of myself by now.

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, I would literally chop my own dick off and rub a hot pepper on the wound to be in your position. Especially at your age.

"BRO": And I know, I know that you're not supposed to be rich when you're twenty-two, but… goddammit, my goals for my life entailed that I would be rich and famous by twenty-two. That's the price of setting your goals high, kid: you disappoint yourself when you don't accomplish what nobody else expected you to do except yourself.

"PIPSQUEAK": But Bro, you're your own boss. Mom and Dad can't-

"BRO": Well, not all the time.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Huh?

"BRO": There's a, uh… 'businessman' who lets me do some extra work for him when I need some extra scratch.

"PIPSQUEAK": But you aren't fully employed by somebody else like Mom and Dad are, right?

"BRO": Um… technically… no…

"PIPSQUEAK": And that's why I always looked up to you, Bro. You are your own boss! Mom and Dad can't say that. They wheel and deal just to make commission while someone else gets the bulk of the money. You're a free man. A real maverick!

"BRO": I… I guess you're right, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": Do you wanna know what one of my earliest memories is, Bro?

"BRO": I wanna know if you want to tell me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Okay, so… okay, maybe it's not one of my earliest memories, I was, like, six or seven. So you would've been, what? Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen?

"BRO": Was I in this memory of yours?

"PIPSQUEAK": The memory's about you, Bro. So Mom and Dad were out at a party or something that night, and you were supposed to be watching me. But you were in your room with the door closed.

"BRO": Ohhh… kay. Not ringing a bell yet.

"PIPSQUEAK": And I was, y'know, a little kid, and I'm bored, and I'm lonely, and I'm sad that my big bro doesn't wanna play with me. And I'm standing in the hallway outside your door, and I can hear through your door that you're watching something, but I can't tell what it is. But I can hear the VCR keep rewinding every few seconds, and it sounds like I hear the same chick's voice talking, saying the same things over and over, and her voice is just a little bit sultry. But not too much; appropriate for, say, a children's movie.

"BRO": ...Wait.

"PIPSQUEAK": But then I hear Mom and Dad pull into the driveway and I run to the front door to say hi, and even though I don't say so, I hope they put the pieces together and realize you're not playing with me. Pretty sneaky, huh, Bro?

"BRO": Please don't tell me this is going where I think it's going.

"PIPSQUEAK": So Mom and Dad are about to flip their shit that you left a first-grader all alone, so they head over to your room to give you a good talking-to. And I'm right behind them. But I can hear that there's no video sounds coming from your room anymore.

"BRO": Oh, Jesus Christ-

"PIPSQUEAK": And Dad busts the door in and you're watching Space Jam.

"BRO": Oh, lordy-

"PIPSQUEAK": Except you're not really watching it because you've got it on freeze-frame, and there's someone on the screen with creamy-yellow fur.

"BRO": Pipsqueak-

"PIPSQUEAK": And Mom and Dad are freaking out. Meanwhile, nobody ever explained to me what the hell you were doing in your bed, so I didn't put the pieces together until… eh, just a few years ago?

"BRO": ...Holy shit, Pipsqueak, you remember that?

"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, Bro, I coulda used this to ruin your reputation in this neighborhood years ago, but I didn't. And not just because I benefit from your reputation. And also not just because I didn't understand what was so embarrassing about that until after you moved out.

"BRO": ...Wow! You remember that...

"PIPSQUEAK": And I will 'till my dying day, Bro. And for the record? After inheriting your mag stash, my states are just as diverse as yours now. So I don't care that she was a bunny; I'm more worried because she was a cartoon bunny-

"BRO": Hey, Pipsqueak, none of this would have happened if the animators just chose not to draw her that well. Really, because they possessed me and caused me an embarrassing moment, I'm the victim here!

"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, Bro, like I said, no judgment. Because that's not the part I remember most. What I remember most is what you did next.

"BRO": You remember what happened next, too?

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, hey, man, maybe I remember wrong! You tell me! So dad's threatening to kick your ass, Mom's swearing at herself in Hungarian, the works, and at a certain point they're both saying that they're gonna ground you and take your TV and VCR and stuff away. But then - forgive me, Bro, I was a little shit, I don't remember the exact words, but you said something along the lines of… 'No. No, you will not take away my TV and VCR, Mom and Dad. I paid for that TV and VCR, with my own money, money I earned by working, myself. Same with the VHS tape itself. Same with the TV stand. Same with the power strip it's all plugged into. Same with the batteries in the remote control.'

"BRO": Hey, I probably paid for the box of Kleenex I was using, too!

"PIPSQUEAK": You weren't using a Kleenex. You were using one of those mini paper cups with Sidney characters on them, which we didn't usually have around the house, except that weekend was Mom's turn to buy the snacks for my peewee soccer team.

"BRO": ...Pipsqueak, there is no way you remember all these details.

"PIPSQUEAK": I mean, am I wrong? Oh, and if I remember right, I think the cup had Adam Bell on it. I definitely remember it was green. What other Sidney movies use a lotta green? The Tome of the Tropical Forest, maybe? Nah, wrong shade of green...

"BRO": ...Huh. Weird.

"PIPSQUEAK": Yup. But as I was saying, Bro: your own parents tried to exert power over you, and you told them no, and there was nothing they could do about it. That was… Bro, that was seriously the most badass thing I've ever seen in my life. And ever since then, I've wanted to be like you.

"BRO": ...Wow, um… I gotta say, Pipsqueak, you're leaving me speechless. But, uh… I'm pretty sure they still tried to reprimand me after that.

"PIPSQUEAK": If I remember right, they toldja that you weren't allowed to babysit me anymore, and you weren't allowed to watch that movie alone anymore. So you started watching it with me a lot. And every time you did, you would take a looong time in the bathroom when the movie ended.

"BRO": And I never would have done that if I knew you were there when Mom and Dad walked in on me.

"PIPSQUEAK": And now I can still quote huge chunks of the movie because we watched it so much.

"BRO": Is that so?

"PIPSQUEAK": (singing off-key) I belieeeeeve I can flyyyyy…

"BRO": A classic.

"PIPSQUEAK": But still: Mom and Dad wanted to take your stuff away from you, but they couldn't. Ever since then, I've wanted power just like that.

"BRO": Power?

"PIPSQUEAK": Power, Bro.

"BRO": The power was nice, Pipsqueak, but I'm not focused on power first and foremost.

"PIPSQUEAK": You-you're not?

"BRO": I mean, hell yes I want power, but that's a stretch goal. I just want a comfortable life where I don't have to worry about money. If I can get to the point where I'm rich enough to have people working as my puppets, well, that would be both fine and also dandy, but the only power I really need is the power to live my life the way I want, beholden to nothing and nobody… you said you just finished middle school, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh, yeah. Why?

"BRO": You haven't read the book that I stole that 'beholden to nothing and nobody' line from yet, have you?

"PIPSQUEAK": I don't… think so?

"BRO": Well, I won't spoil which one it is, but you'll probably read it eventually. I don't think you're allowed to graduate high school in this country without reading it. Extremely slow read, but it's worth it in the end. Nice little story about how good people exist even when there's ugliness and bigotry all around - a lesson I really needed and one I need to remind myself of every so often, but with any luck, a lesson you'll never need.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Why are we talking about this?

"BRO": For funsies.

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, remember, I only have so many quarters.

"BRO": How many do you have left?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… lemme count.

"BRO": Okay, Pip, if you need to count them, you've got plenty.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, maybe I don't want to spend them all, okay?

"BRO": I'll reimburse you one day.

"PIPSQUEAK": No you won't.

"BRO": Don't worry, Pipsqueak, I don't swindle my own people. Okay. So. Back on track. You saw me get busted when I was up to bat for the Yankees, you see me take the power out of Mom and Dad's hands when they try to punish me, that makes you yearn for great power in life?

"PIPSQUEAK": I mean… yes and no. I mean… I mean-

"BRO": Evidently, you mean a lot of things.

"PIPSQUEAK": Can it. Yeah, if I'm being honest, I would like to be filthy stinkin' rich and stupid fucking powerful.

"BRO": And that's a normal thing to want.

"PIPSQUEAK": But I got to thinking about it, and it's like… did I only want to get rich like you so I could be powerful?

"BRO": Ooh, Pipsqueak's getting philosophical!

"PIPSQUEAK": So that's kind of what I wanted to get into with you.

"BRO": Philosophy?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...So… what drives you, Bro?

"BRO": ...What drives me?

"PIPSQUEAK": What makes you want to be… who you are?

"BRO": Hmm. That's a really broad question there, kid.

"PIPSQUEAK": Even better. Don't overthink it. Tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.

"BRO": ...I'm sorry, Pipsqueak, you're gonna have to give me more to work with here.

"PIPSQUEAK": Okay. Fine. Make me do all the work.

"BRO": Hey, bud, it's your question.

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… okay. So, you sell stuff on the street, right?

"BRO": Pawpsicles, get 'em while they're cold!

"PIPSQUEAK": Which is an idea you stole from me and the boys when we made fruitsicles two years ago, before that little bitch Jimmy stole all our profits for it, and I made the mistake of complaining about it to you during our annual phone call on my birthday!

"BRO": Hey, you know what they say, Pipsqueak, good artists imitate, great artists steal.

"PIPSQUEAK": …Did- did you just… admit-?

"BRO": I did. I think it's been long enough.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You know what, Bro? Fuck it. Water under the bridge. But you know what? This is perfect. You're a thief. You're a con man. You're a loose cannon. A fucking renegade. You could be working in an office somewhere, you could be selling used cars or jewelry like Mom or Dad, hell, you could be a cop if you wanted to! So… why be a shifty salesman of all things?

"BRO": ...I guess you could just say it was my calling.

"PIPSQUEAK": Why do you think it was your calling?

"BRO": Well… it didn't seem like the world had any other place for me, so I filled my role. People always saw me as just another sneaky fox, so I tried to be that, and, wouldn't you know it, I had a knack for it. So it stuck.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hmm…

"BRO": Something on your mind, Pip?

"PIPSQUEAK": You say you think you had a knack for it?

"BRO": I definitely do. Kills me to say this, but I'm starting to think the whole sneakiness gene might just be part of our people's DNA. So we make the best of it.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I'm… thinking about a few things.

"BRO": Tell me.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Um-

"BRO": Did the wind sweep you off your feet?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Huh?

"BRO": Did you finally get the chance to dance across the light of day?

"PIPSQUEAK": What?

"BRO": And head back to the Milky Way? (singing off-key) Tellll meee-

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, what the fuck are you doing?

"BRO": Sorry, Pipsqueak, but the longer we talk, I'm starting to feel more comfortable being more of a goofball around you in ways I can't be around other people. Gotta maintain my image. But I know you'll always love your big bro no matter what, so I can be whoever I'm feeling and I don't have to worry about you judging me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, now I forgot what the fuck I was gonna say.

"BRO": Sorry, bud. We were talking about how our people have the Sneakies in our DNA and you said that you had multiple things on your mind.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...OH! I remember now. So for one… what if I don't have it in my genes?

"BRO": What, the trickery?

"PIPSQUEAK": Or just the Knack you mentioned, Bro. My plans - I don't call them scams anymore, I call them plans -

"BRO": One day you'll be ready for enterprises and endeavors!

"PIPSQUEAK": Mine don't work, like… ninety-something percent of the time. It's not always that they don't buy, because sometimes they do buy! But when they buy, they always realize I'm ripping them off and they get pissed and then they whale on me to get their money back.

"BRO": And they don't remember who your brother is?

"PIPSQUEAK": When shit goes down, I usually don't remember to tell them. Besides, you've been gone for so long, it's like… so what if he's your brother? He's not ever coming back to protect you… You're not coming back anytime soon, are ya?

"BRO": I'd love to, Pipsqueak, but I'm barely breaking even out here. I can't afford a vacation. Not unless Mom and Dad pay for everything from my plane ticket to my rent for the month. I'd love to see you, Pipsqueak, but Mom and Dad don't want to see me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Alright, alright… but, yeah, it's like… I can con them into buying something, just like you… but I can't con them into thinking they liked it, just like you.

"BRO": Well, keep your chin up, champ. I have my dissatisfied customers, too. I don't just deal in Pawpsicles. Like I just started a side business making rugs on the cheap-

"PIPSQUEAK": But I never have a satisfied customer, Bro… is it that I haven't had a good idea? Or is it me?

"BRO": Kiddo, you've got plenty of time to figure out your business model. You're still young.

"PIPSQUEAK": I've been trying to figure this shit out since I was a little kid! Even before the Space Jam incident - that was just the moment I had a sudden vision of a clear goal I wanted, but I've been trying to figure out this hustling thing for a long time before that… Hustle. I can't believe I just said hustle. That's always been your word. But… fuck! Should I have figured it out by now?

"BRO": Kid, you can't give up on yourself.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Well… you gave up on yourself.

"BRO": ...What the hell are you talking about?

"PIPSQUEAK": That was the other thought I had. So we were talking about how you think the trickster gene is just in our DNA? And the world just expects our people to be no-good untrustworthy scoundrels?

"BRO": Uh-huh?

"PIPSQUEAK": Then what's this I remember that you really, really wanted to be a Boy Scout when you were a kid before some asshole kids beat your ass for being a fox?

"BRO": ...No. Nuh-uh. No way do you remember that. That happened before you were born! I remember Mom hugging me when I was crying and it was hard to hug her back because she was something like eight months pregnant with you! I remember that! So how did you hear about that?

"PIPSQUEAK": Because I remember you telling me the summer I turned nine when you were drunk on Mike's Hard Lemonades you paid some paint-huffer to buy for you from 7-Eleven. And I remember they were Mike's because they were still pretty new back then and I wanted to try one because I didn't know they had booze in them, so you let me have a sip but I chugged half the bottle and I puked all over the living room carpet, and you were too drunk to clean it up.

"BRO": ...Jesus Christ, Pip...

"PIPSQUEAK": Then Mom and Dad get home from work, they bitch you out for being drunk and giving beer to your kid brother, yadda yadda yadda, and a few weeks later, you move out. The end.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": So, yeah: you were crying into your nasty lemonade, telling me the whole story, trying to impart your wisdom on me about how the world isn't fair, about how people suck, shit like that, and I'm just sitting there trying to watch SpongeBob, and honestly Bro, I couldn't understand half of what you were saying, so a few days after you move out, I ask Mom and Dad what the hell you were talking about, and they give me the whole story.

"BRO": ...The things you manage to remember may never cease to amaze me, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": So you used to want to live on the straight and narrow, huh, Bro?

"BRO": When I was young and stupid.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, what changed?

"BRO": Wh- whaddaya mean, 'what changed'? I realized that that was no life for a fox.

"PIPSQUEAK": So you didn't actually change your mind, you just felt like you were being pushed away from who you wanted to be.

"BRO": I changed my mind about what walks of life were available to me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, what was stopping you from being a goody two-shoes anyway?

"BRO": Well, those fucking kids, for one!

"PIPSQUEAK": And?

"BRO": ...What the fuck do you mean, and?

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, you're cussing a lot more now than I've heard you-

"BRO": Because you're pissing me off, Pipsqueak! You bring up probably the most traumatic memory I have, and you expect me to just act like everything's hunky-dory?

"PIPSQUEAK": You brought up your most traumatic memory when you were seventeen, sloshed on Mike's, telling me for the first time about how important it is not to let people see that they get to you, but the more I think about it, I think there's a bigger lesson there that went right over your head: by choosing to be an asshole like they thought you were destined to be, you proved them right.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": You proved them right, Bro. You decided to be who they thought you were, not who you wanted to be.

"BRO": And that was a mistake I made when I let them see that they got to me.

"PIPSQUEAK": And? That was one thing. One event. If you really learned your lesson, then why didn't you try to keep being a good person and just not give a shit what other people think?

"BRO": Pipsqueak, I was eight.

"PIPSQUEAK": And you've had fourteen years since then to go back to that little kid who wanted to make the world a better place instead of just hustling to survive and not caring about anybody else but yourself. But you never did.

"BRO": Don't you remember the other lesson I taught you? About that night? If the world's only gonna see a fox as a shifty snake-in-the-grass, then there's no point in trying to be anything else-

"PIPSQUEAK": So you gave up on yourself.

"BRO": ...Huh?

"PIPSQUEAK": You gave up on yourself. You had one obstacle… you didn't overcome it… and you gave up on your dreams.

"BRO": Pipsqueak, I encountered that obstacle when I was eight, for Christ's-

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, I've had the same obstacle over and over with my business career since I was three. I never got past it, but I kept trying, because that's what I thought success stories were all about. But by the example you set, I shoulda given up a long time ago.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": You're letting me see that I'm gettin' to ya, Bro.

"BRO": Because you're my brother and I can show you a side I can't show other people.

"PIPSQUEAK": So you say foxes should have a knack for trickery, but you set the bar to give up on your dreams when it seems like the entire world is against you. My dream was to be a trickster, but it just ain't workin' out. So tell me, O Wise One, what should I do next?

"BRO": ...So, what, were you thinking about joining the Junior Rangers or something? A little old for that, don't you think?

"PIPSQUEAK": What? Oh. No. Hell, no. The boys and I actually tried joining the Urban Rangers once, just to prove we could, but… it didn't work out.

"BRO": Sounds like you gave up on yourself, too, Pipsqueak!

"PIPSQUEAK": Naw, Bro, we were just in it for the slick uniforms. It wasn't a long-standing goal like it was for you. It was a passing impulse. And it passed.

"BRO": Hey, if you say so.

"PIPSQUEAK": So… let's recap: you used to want to make the world a better place, right, Bro?

"BRO": When I was young and stupid, yes.

"PIPSQUEAK": And you… really don't want that anymore?

"BRO": Hey, Pip, if the opportunity presents itself, I'll go for it, but it's not gonna happen.

"PIPSQUEAK": And we can agree that, as a consequence of my own trauma, I want fame and power.

"BRO": Can't argue with that.

"PIPSQUEAK": So here's the question on my mind: is it possible to… or, no - can you think of a way how… maybe… a fox could use his natural wits to make the world a better place? And maybe, if things fall into place right… you know, cash in on the limelight?

"BRO": ...So you want to use your natural gifts to be the hero the world needs, and you want to be lauded accordingly?

"PIPSQUEAK": Well… when you put it that way-

"BRO": Sounds like Pipsqueak wants the best of both worlds!

"PIPSQUEAK": Wha-? Yeah! Of course I do! Don't talk to me like I'm an asshole for wanting everything I want!

"BRO": Well, you know what they say, Pipsqueak, you can't have your cake and eat it, too.

"PIPSQUEAK": Fuck what they say! You know what? Scratch that question. Lemme rephrase that. Can a fox… hrm… can a fox be a fox and still be... heroic?

"BRO": Pipsqueak wants to be a superhero!

"PIPSQUEAK": Fine! Can a fox be a fox and still be… noble? Good? If we're really born to be manipulative little shits, can we… can we use that to make things better for ourselves and everybody else, and not just for ourselves?

"BRO": ...Pipsqueak, I'm going to be honest with you, part of me is messing with you just because I don't know how to answer that. It's a good question.

"PIPSQUEAK": I refuse to believe that our people aren't capable of being better than ourselves. That just sounds too fucked up and I don't wanna live in a world where that's the case.

"BRO": ...Let me think…

"PIPSQUEAK": I think I might be a lot like you, Bro. Maybe I never had the thought to try to make the world a better place for anybody other than myself because I never realized that was an option for someone like me. Till now.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": But, yeah, fuck it, I can still be a little bit selfish with it. If I'm gonna make the world a better place, then I'm gonna want some recognition for it. I'm still gonna want fame and power either way, so I can get it by being greedy and getting rich… but what if I can get fame and power for doing good things? Is doing good things not good anymore if you're doing them for kinda-selfish reasons?

"BRO": I know what you mean, Little Brother, it's just like people who get off on giving to charity; it's the grayest of gray morality and I don't have an answer for you.

"PIPSQUEAK": Does it make me evil that I want fame and power, Bro? After I've never tasted either and saw you basically have both my whole life?

"BRO": Evil? No. No, it doesn't, it doesn't… That one I can answer for you… Hm… Okay, here's a question for ya: how much do you remember Mom talking about Grampa Vik?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You mean Grampa Vuk?

"BRO": They're the same person, Pipsqueak. Guy's full name was Viktor Vukovich.* If you didn't know that, I'm guessing she hasn't told you much.

*[Editor's note: Spelling of this name is approximate. Based on references to ethnic and national origins, the correct spelling of this last name may instead be "Vukovics" or "Vuković" while retaining the same pronunciation.]

"PIPSQUEAK": Aw, she's told me plenty. He was a great man, always provided for his family, got them out of shitass Hungary, blah blah-blah blah-blah.

"BRO": Well, there's a lot more to it than that. There's a reason she kept her last name when she married Dad.

"PIPSQUEAK": I thought she just didn't like how Dad's last name was hard to spell because of that silent E at the end.

"BRO": C'mon, Pipsqueak, she says that as a joke. Do you really think Vukovich is that much easier to spell?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Man, I dunno, I never thought about it. Don't talk to me like you think I'm stupid, Bro.

"BRO": Sorry about that, Pipsqueak, I'm just… she really never told you about Grampa Vik? She wouldn't stop telling me about him before you were born.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, Bro, you were still in the house until I was nine, do you remember her telling me?

"BRO": She probably would have told you in private if she did, like it was a family secret she wanted to clue you in on. Maybe she did tell you but you just weren't paying attention.

"PIPSQUEAK": Shit, maybe. So why'd you bring this guy up?

"BRO": Well, Pipsqueak, you asked if a fox can be foxy and still be noble? Be good? Well, this guy might just prove that the answer is yes.

"PIPSQUEAK": And this isn't just going off the sugar-coated fairy-tale stories about him you heard from Mom?

"BRO": I asked Dad once if this guy was for real or if Mom was just nuts for her dad, and he said that although he'd only met the guy a couple of times, he didn't have any reason to think Mom was just talking him up. So here's the Cliff Notes version of the guy's life story; stop me if I'm telling you something you already heard.

"PIPSQUEAK": You don't have to tell me twice, Bro.

"BRO": Alright, so… I'm recalling this all as I go along, so sorry if it comes out clunky.

"PIPSQUEAK": Take your time, Bro. You're repaying me for all these quarters, though.

"BRO": Sure thing, little buddy. So… The Vukoviches had already been through a lot through the years. You know that "Vukovich" means "son of the wolf" or something like that, right? Way, way, way back, half a dozen centuries ago, a couple of wolves who lost all their children to diseases and accidents and all the stuff that killed kids back in the Dark Ages… they ran into a sweet little orphan fox-boy and bada-bing bada-boom, pressed the reset button on their lineage.

"PIPSQUEAK": I think I heard that somewhere.

"BRO": Awesome. Fast forward to, like… 1800? Thereabouts? At that point, the Vukovich foxes have to get the heck out of Ottoman-occupied Serbia because the Turks… uh... how should I say this?

"PIPSQUEAK": Because the Turks started raping and murdering people in all the neighboring villages so they wanted to get the hell out of town before they came for theirs. If that's where you were going with that, Gramma already told me that. Plenty of times.

"BRO": ...Well, I was trying to think of a more delicate way to put that, but basically. I guess my little Pipsqueak really is grown up, now isn't he?

"PIPSQUEAK": You'd better believe it. But seriously, Gramma already told me that story in full gory-ass detail a couple of times now. That lady really hates her some Turks.

"BRO": Oh, don't I know it! I remember Mom telling me that when her family moved to Vancouver and found out that turkey the bird and Turkey the country had the same name, they just plain never ate turkey around the house, just because Gramma and Grampa didn't want to ask for it at the deli. I still can't tell for the life of me if Mom's just goofing on us, but considering how weird Gramma acted when she came to Delaware for Thanksgiving that one time, I'm not ruling out that Mom was being completely serious.

"PIPSQUEAK": I don't doubt that for a second, Bro.

"BRO": So now they have to amscray out of their homeland, and it's like, okay, Hungary's right next door and they seem marginally better, so they head north. Set up shop in Budapest in a little Serbian enclave. But things aren't going too hot. It's not just that a lot of the Hungarians don't like them for being Serbians, the other Serbians don't like them for being foxes!

"PIPSQUEAK": There really weren't any other foxes around for them to hang out with?

"BRO": Some, but not many.

"PIPSQUEAK": Figures.

"BRO": Alright, so put a pin in that. So Grampa Vik was named after his own grandfather, our great-great-grandfather. I don't know too much about this guy, neither does Mom, neither does Gramma, and Gramps himself never met the guy, either. But as Grampa always told Mom and as Mom always told me… this Original Vik? They called him "first among the foxes." Or whatever that would be in Hungarian. And I do mean Hungarian, not Serbian, because by that point it was, eh, the late eighteen-hundreds? All I've heard for sure about this dude was that after something like three-quarters of a century of not getting respect from anyone, the guy says screw it and moves his family out of Budapest and into the countryside, where there are a lot more fox families around, and I don't know the specifics of how he did this, but he somehow commanded the respect of all the other species in the area and established himself as a leader in the fox community, all the while being an ethnic Serb. All the while he's providing for his family like the Vukovich men haven't been able to do in generations. First among the foxes. The foremost fox. The greatest fox who ever lived. That's how Mom talked about Vik One-Point-Oh. She says even Grampa felt unworthy to bear his name.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You don't say.

"BRO": That I do. But as great as the guy is, some of the locals still don't like him, and one day long before Grampa Vik is born, they find Original Vik dead in a ditch somewhere.

"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus Christ!

"BRO": Mmhmm. To this day, we don't have a clue who did it, but the story goes that the local authorities didn't try too hard to look.

"PIPSQUEAK": What if it was the cops who killed him?

"BRO": That idea has been floated. But now we'll never know. But by the time Great-Grampa Attila's ready to have his own-

"PIPSQUEAK": Wait, wait, stopstopstopstopstop… our great-grandfather's name was Attila? As in Attila the fucking Hun?

"BRO": Okay, now I'm kinda getting peeved with Mom for not telling you anything.

"PIPSQUEAK": Maybe she thought she told me but she's actually remembering all the times she told you.

"BRO": You know what? That's a pretty good hypothesis, Pipsqueak. But yeah, his honest-to-God name is Attila, which is apparently a pretty normal name in Hungary, and at this point the Vukoviches are mostly integrated into Hungarian culture - still hanging on to the customs of their ancestors when they're amongst themselves, but for their own convenience if nothing else, they give their kids Hungarian names and they don't talk Serbian when strangers are around.

"PIPSQUEAK": Gotcha.

"BRO": So Attila's having his own brood and he's debating naming one of the sons after his father, but it doesn't feel right at first. Then he has a son that comes out and even though he was just born, the kid's got an uncanny resemblance to the Original Vik. According to Mom, it wasn't just the way the kid looked, it was something about the way the light caught in a twinkle in his eye.

"PIPSQUEAK": A twinkle… in his eye?

"BRO": Hey, kid, I'm just telling you what I've been told. Still, none of this is ringing a bell so far?

"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.

"BRO": Damn. Next time I talk to Mom, I'll have to ask her what's up about that. So now Grampa Vik is a little kid. Not a toddler anymore, but definitely not old enough for any big responsibilities. And one day, the little scamp is playing in the forest they live in, when he sees a frog he wants to chase. So he chases it. He doesn't even realize he's late for dinner. Loses the frog in the creek and wanders home after dark… do you know where I'm going with this?

"PIPSQUEAK": Not really, Bro.

"BRO": ...Nobody's there. They're all gone. His mom, his dad, five brothers and sisters. They're gone, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...What? Did they… where'd they go?

"BRO": Well, at first, Grampa Vik thinks they just… went out. Where? He's a little kid, he doesn't know. And by some miracle his uncle finds him wandering the woods, starving and dehydrated, and saves the kid. And the uncle explains that Vik's mommy and daddy won't be able to come home anytime soon.

"PIPSQUEAK": Did they… did they abandon the kid or something?

"BRO": Isn't it obvious, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, you're talking to me like I'm stupid again.

"BRO": ...They were kidnapped, Pip. And probably murdered right after that. Not that we can prove anything; they never did find the bodies.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Holy shit…

"BRO": I had the same reaction when I first heard about that. See, the thing is, some people in the local village thought that Attila was stealing chickens from their farms. And they were right. Because Attila was having trouble scraping money together and their sustenance farming wasn't doing diddly-squat, so he did what he had to do to protect his family. And one farmer - I think he was a wolf - one farmer he was stealing from really didn't like that, so he and his farmhands went and eliminated the threat to their wellbeing. And basically everybody who heard what happened to the Vukovich family knew it was those farmers who did it, but they didn't want to get involved. Apparently when Original Vik died, people slowly but surely thought it was safe to start disrespecting the foxes again, and by the time Grampa Vik rolled around, nobody gave a damn who his grandfather was anymore. Everyone thought, well, the sneaky fox was stealing and was telling his half-a-dozen kids that he was morally right for doing so, so they got what was coming to them. The only ones who had their back were the other foxes in the area, but they were foxes, what could they do? Any questions, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Oh, my God…

"BRO": Now you're speechless hearing what I remember! So the uncle, apparently he never got the vulpine charisma gene because he was kind of a loner, never had his own family, but that works out because now he has a traumatized kindergartener to raise. So he teaches Vik everything he needs to know about being a fox in the world. And to keep a low profile, they try to survive off what the forest can provide for them, but every so often, just to make sure the kid knows how to be a little sneak when necessity demands it… they hop on over to the farm of the guy who expunged his family, and they bag themselves a chicken. Just to give the guy a big middle finger. You follow?

"PIPSQUEAK": Keep going.

"BRO": Well, by the time Vik's a teenager, he's starting to feel plenty confident in who he is. He's starting to steal more chickens from that farmer just to fuck with him, and his uncle's getting up there in age - I think he was Vik's mom's oldest brother - and he's providing for him, too. As well as a stunning young vixen from the village who he met when he scattered a bunch of guys harassing her. And for bonus points, she's ethnically Serbian and Croatian. Her name was Erzsébet, or Elizabeth, but you and me call her-

"PIPSQUEAK": -Gramma.

"BRO": Bingo. But as Grampa Vik gets more ballsy with stealing these chickens, the farmer's losing his patience again. Now remember that Grampa at this point is only, like, sixteen, so he's still dealing with the same generation of people. And when the farmer puts the pieces together and realizes it's Attila's son, he just goes on a warpath. And he even manages to kill Grampa's uncle, and now Grampa is pissed. He was already fighting back with psychological warfare, but now he's trying to get this guy to regret ever being born. Long story short, Grampa wins.

"PIPSQUEAK": That's it?

"BRO": ...Long story less-short, Grampa single-handedly depletes the guy's livestock and the farmer kills his useless farmhands before doing the same to himself.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Oh my fucking God.

"BRO": But Grampa did what he needed to do to protect those he cared about, all by using his cunning and not being afraid to break a few rules. And then he and Gramma had thirteen kids, mostly feeding them off the fat of the land, but also nabbing a few chickens here and there, since everyone in town knew by this point not to fuck with him - man, Pipsqueak, if I gave myself a swear jar, I could probably pay you back for the phone call today - but then a few years after Mom was born, bringing up the rear of the baker's dozen, Gramma and Grampa both decided that communist Hungary sucked, so they headed over to Canada. And from there, his hero's story is basically the same as any working immigrant parent, with all the due credit to Gramma, who also broke her back to give her family a better life in a strange new country.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You know, maybe Mom never told me all this because she's always so busy working.

"BRO": Could be. She always seemed busier after you showed up because that was around the time she and dad both got their promotions and they moved us out of that crappy apartment in the city. Do you even remember living in that apartment, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.

"BRO": Didn't think so. But hey, yeah. Grampa Vik. There's your answer. Assuming I wasn't lied to - and knowing our people's legendary ability to spin fantastic, elaborate yarns, heck, maybe I shouldn't assume that - but if the stories are true, he's someone who used his foxy instincts for good and not for evil. Maybe he didn't make the entire world a better place, but he made the world a better place for the people he cared about.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Jeepers, Bro.

"BRO": Oh! And I completely forgot the part where he smoked like a chimney and got some nasty lung cancer. The doctors didn't think he was going to last as long as he did, but he stuck it out long enough to see his youngest daughter get married. And the only time I ever saw the guy in action was when Mom showed me her and Dad's wedding video - just for Grampa's convenience, they held the wedding in British Columbia. And you can see him in the church, there's a nurse pushing his wheelchair and his IV stand as he walks Mom down the aisle, Mom's holding him up as they dance for all of fifteen seconds, you can just see that the guy looks like he's living on borrowed time, but he's there. And the only time I've ever heard the guy speak - his lungs and throat are failing, and you can just tell that English clearly isn't his first language, but he's still speaking so eloquently and confidently - there's two points on the wedding video when they capture him speaking. One, he's talking to Mom, Mom's crying, saying she's so happy he could make it, and Grampa says, "Of course I would make it, Antónia; I have journeyed half the world for those I love, and I love you more than I love life itself, my daughter." And then Mom hugged him and cried in his arms for a solid minute.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Jeez, who could beat that?

"BRO": Well, depending on your tastes, he may have topped himself. The second part where he speaks, he's sitting with Dad, and whoever's filming cuts in right as Dad's explaining that he really admires Grampa as a man, and Grampa says, "Terrance, you are my friend, but I think of you as a son. I know you make my Antónia happy, and I have belief in you that you and your children will make me and my wife proud. Remember, Terrance, old Viktor may die, but they cannot kill the spirit of the fox. I love you, my son. Please keep making my daughter happy." And Dad, who's clearly shaken by the words, he just spits out, "Oh, uh, uh, ye-yessir! I-I will! I love you, too, Dad."

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Eh, the one about going to the ends of the earth for his daughter was better.

"BRO": But then out of nowhere, Grampa gets the strength to lean over and kiss Dad on the lips, and Grampa and everyone else laugh their asses off while Dad looks like he wants to crawl in a hole and die from embarrassment.

"PIPSQUEAK": (chuckling) O-okay, fuck it, that one wins.

"BRO": But yeah, I'm not an expert on how exactly cancer works, but something bad went down in his body the night after the wedding, and the guy croaked the Thursday afterwards. He made it as long as he could for his family, and it was just long enough. And I looked at a calendar and did the math; apparently Mom was so heartbroken that she wasn't in the mood to conceive me until four months later.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Is this guy for real?

"BRO": I can't tell you, Pipsqueak, but if he was anything like he was in that wedding video, I can believe it. I really can't believe you haven't seen it yourself. You're sure Mom never showed it to you?

"PIPSQUEAK": I'd ask her right now but, you know, she's at work. And she probably won't be getting home until she's not in the mood to talk about it.

"BRO": Makes sense. She's working to support her family just like her parents did for her.

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but she's only got two of us, not a dozen plus an extra. And you're not even around anymore!

"BRO": True. But you know what? I'd actually say don't ask her. Not yet. Maybe there's a reason she hasn't shared this with you. She seemed pretty emotional about it every time she told me - understandably so - and maybe she just doesn't want her heart broken again.

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, this phone call's been a fucking rollercoaster.

"BRO": Are you even tall enough to ride a rollercoaster?

"PIPSQUEAK": (faint growling noises)

"BRO": I'm just messing with you, Pipsqueak. But does that answer your question? About if a fox can use his natural powers for good?

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, what if I don't have these natural powers that you and the rest of our people seem to have?

"BRO": Man, Pip, don't worry about it. You still have time to develop your skill set. At least I hope you do, because I'm hoping I still have time to develop mine.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, tell me, Bro: what does it mean to have talent? I always thought that it was something you're born with, something you don't have to develop.

"BRO": Believe me, Pipsqueak, I've been thinking the same thing a lot recently.

"PIPSQUEAK": So hearing about this super-fox who lived off the grid in the woods and broke the law to help people he cared about… it just seems too good to be true. I mean, shit, were they born that way? Or did they have to become that way?

"BRO": 'They'? We're… we're talking about one person, right, Pippo?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… yeah, my bad. 'He.'

"BRO": Well, I know that Grampa got that way because he went through one of the worst childhoods I've ever heard of, and then got lucky to be raised by someone who could make him into that kind of guy. So I'd actually say he definitely wasn't born that way. But do you know another super-fox who lives off the grid in the woods, breaking the law to help the people he cares about?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...No. Bro, I told you I just got my words mixed up!

"BRO": Just checkin'. Juuust checkin'. But hey, there may be hope for you and I yet! If there is a genetic element to it, then one of us might be next! It seems like the schedule is every other generation. Granted, I don't know what any of our three-dozen cousins are up to in life… have you guys gotten in touch with the rest of Mom's family besides Gramma since I moved out?

"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.

"BRO": Didn't think so. Mom's the weird one who married an American and moved to the States. Actually… I think a few of Mom's oldest brothers never left Hungary since they were already grown up and out of the house by the time Gramma and Grampa hopped on the boat. But anyway, greatness definitely didn't smile upon any of Mom's generation. Aunt Judy and Uncle Joe both went to prison, Uncle George drunk-drove his car into a river, Aunt Eva OD'd on heroin and Uncle Mike's probably snorting cocaine right now as we speak, completely forgetting he had a wife and four kids he walked out on-

"PIPSQUEAK": All I know is that Uncle Sam has Down syndrome and lives in a nursing home somewhere in BC.

"BRO": Wasn't even gonna mention him, but yeah, if Gramma and Grampa did one thing that wasn't that great, it was having kids into their forties when things like that are a lot more likely to happen. Poor Sammy. He didn't deserve that. Sam was Number 12, so Mom's lucky she didn't turn out the same way. Really, the most… uh… the ones of Mom and her siblings who achieved the most greatness would be Uncle Kris, who played minor-league hockey for awhile before he realized the Whalers were in no hurry to call him up to the NHL, and Aunt Paula got sober and now she's an AA sponsor, so she's helping people, good for her. And I guess Uncle David became an Orthodox priest, so there's that, if you're into that sort of thing.

"PIPSQUEAK": I ain't. But… fuck, I don't wanna sound like such a whiny little bitch, Bro, but… the idea that this isn't in our control kinda makes me feel even worse. Because then there's a pretty good chance that it just ain't in me, and if it is… shit, what if I somehow fuck it up?

"BRO": Pipsqueak, relax. Just follow your gut and see where it takes you. That way, even if you go the wrong way, at least you can feel like it was the best choice you could have made.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bro, that doesn't make any goddamn sense.

"BRO": Hey, kid, at least I'm trying to give you helpful advice. If you told Dad about all this, he'd probably just think you were being weird. And I have to ask, Pip… what did inspire this question?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...You really wanna know?

"BRO": No, Pipsqueak, I don't really wanna know, and I'd rather waste my time hearing something I don't want to hear just as part of an underhanded plot to get you to waste even more of your quarters. Just to mess with you. Of course I wanna know, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I met a fox not too long ago who got me thinking.

"BRO": Why'd he get you thinking?

"PIPSQUEAK": Because he seemed perfect.

"BRO": Was it that really tall guy you were talking about?

"PIPSQUEAK": I thought you said you didn't believe that guy was real!

"BRO": Maybe he was real, but you overestimated how tall he was just like how you overestimated how perfect he was. Are you sure he didn't just seem five feet tall from your perspective? Because I know that when I'm standing right next to, like, a bear, from that angle I can't tell when they're six feet tall or ten feet tall. The opposite works too! My driver's license's said four feet for years now, and the bigger species can't tell that I'm fudging the numbers by like, four or five inches.

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… no. No, Bro. I got plenty of good looks at him. It wasn't an optical illusion.

"BRO": 'Plenty of good looks'? What, were you stalking him?

"PIPSQUEAK": I was… maybe following him around. Him and his friend. The boys were with me.

"BRO": Wait, for real?

"PIPSQUEAK": That's the thing. I met him, I got it in my head he was perfect, and then I had the chance to follow him all over town-

"BRO": 'All over town.'

"PIPSQUEAK": -and by the end, I was starting to think he was perfect in more ways than just being fucking gigantic. He seemed like he was a fucking genius. I don't just mean book-smart, Bro, I mean street-smart, too. Just like a fox oughta be. And it seemed wherever he went, people knew him and they loved him. And wait! I know what you're thinking! And I was thinking it, too! ...This guy can't actually be like this, can he be?

"BRO": Maybe he's a businessman like me. Maybe he's putting on an air to get people on his good side.

"PIPSQUEAK": That's what I was wondering…

"BRO": You said it seems like he knows everybody? Well, I know I'm trying to make a pointed effort toward meeting everybody I can in this town. It's exhausting sometimes because some people are just so freaking antisocial - especially the transplants from the Midwest - but having connections always pays off. Oh, speaking of transplants, I randomly ran into a guy who I knew from high school back in Delaware. Sloth. Nice guy. Works at the DMV now.

"PIPSQUEAK": A sloth? I don't remember you having any sloth friends.

"BRO": I said I knew him, Pipsqueak, I didn't say me and him were boys. Dude's kinda weird and I would never choose to hang out with him, but he doesn't know that. You know, it's weird: on the West Coast, apparently the stereotype is that DMV employees are slow, whereas back east the stereotype is that they're the most mean-spirited motherfuckers on planet earth. Which they are. Pardon my French. Don't be in too excited for the day you get your license, Pip.

"PIPSQUEAK": Cool, cool. But, uh… so, back to the guy I met. Mister Perfect. The thing about him was… let me put it this way: if I saw someone else trying to act like him, I'd think they were fake. But nobody thought this guy was fake!

"BRO": How do you mean? What was he doing?

"PIPSQUEAK": Like, being really polite, but in a way that seemed cool and not just dorky.

"BRO": You mean like he was chivalrous?

"PIPSQUEAK": What's that mean?

"BRO": ...Was he wearing a fedora?

"PIPSQUEAK": What's a fedora?

"BRO": ...Did he act like an old-timey gentleman? Like his social skills were kind of outdated?

"PIPSQUEAK": Kinda. Like if you took the old-timey gentleman and just… tweaked him so he could exist today and nobody would think he was trying to copy Casanova or… or Adam Bell or something.

"BRO": Why does Adam Bell keep coming up in this conversation?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Man, I dunno.

"BRO": Well, listen, Pipper, a lot of losers try to emulate old-timey charm to get chicks. Most of them fail and look even worse than if they were just awkward or dicks, because now the entire world can see they're fakes. But you may have run into one of the select few who can pull it off. If you want to emulate him, you can go ahead, I'm not your keeper, but I'd advise you to tread carefully and not lose your sense of self trying to be someone else.

"PIPSQUEAK": But what if I want to be someone else?

"BRO": Well then, quite frankly, you'll never be happy, Pipsqueak. Now, you mentioned this guy was perfect, and you'd originally asked about foxes being good people. Did this guy do something while you were following him that made you feel like he was actually heroic and not just Mister Popularity?

"PIPSQUEAK": (breathing)

"BRO": Pipsqueak, buddy, are you there?

"PIPSQUEAK": We was just… going door-to-door in a… kinda run-down neighborhood downtown, making sure the people there were okay. Seeing if they needed any help.

"BRO": That's it?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...And like I said, they all knew him and adored him.

"BRO": This is how this guy spends his days off?

"PIPSQUEAK": I think he was unemployed.

"BRO": Ha! Of course. Maybe he was on disability checks because his body's a wreck from being too freakishly tall.

"PIPSQUEAK": No, he… seemed fine to me.

"BRO": Well, from what you're describing, Pip, I can see why you might be jealous of this guy at first sight, but I think your gut's right here. He sounds like a phony.

"PIPSQUEAK": Nono! That's the thing! My brain thinks he's a phony… my gut's telling me that my brain's overthinking things.

"BRO": Hm. Interesting… Alright, let me say this: if you want to try to copy this guy, go ahead, but you'd better know what you're doing when you do, or instead of being Somebody, you might wind up being Nobody.

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, you basically already said that.

"BRO": Well, what else do you want me to say? I'm out of advice!

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Can I ask a new question?

"BRO": Absolutely.

"PIPSQUEAK": Should I - in your opinion - should I try to be who I think I am, or should I try to be who I want to be?

"BRO": You should want to be who you think you are, Pipsqueak. That I can say with certainty.

"PIPSQUEAK": But what if I don't like who I think I am?

"BRO": Then get some confidence and learn to like things about yourself.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, what if someone did that, what if someone tried to be who they really thought they were, and everyone else in the entire world thought they were just an enormous asshole? What if who I am is an enormous asshole, Bro?

"BRO": Then if who you really are is an asshole, be an asshole.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": That's what I did.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Should I be taking advice from you?

"BRO": Me? Oh. No. No, absolutely not. (chuckles) I have no idea why you even called me, really!

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Great. Glad I wasted my time.

"BRO": Glad I could be of service!

"PIPSQUEAK": So do you think my business skills will get better?

"BRO": I thought we just discussed that you shouldn't take me at my word?

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah. We did. But I'm stupid. So answer the question anyway. Do you think I'll get better at selling shit?

"BRO": I can't answer that for you, Pipsqueak. Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect if you don't have the critical thinking skills to figure out what you're doing right, what you're doing wrong, and how to fix what you're doing wrong. Maybe you have that, maybe you don't. I don't know you like that.

"PIPSQUEAK": You don't know a lot about me, do you?

"BRO": Oh, God, no. I'd love to catch up the next time we see each other, but I don't have the time and money to travel, so unless you're coming out here, that won't be for awhile.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hm… Do you think I… can get better? I'm not asking if you think I will, I'm asking if you think I can.

"BRO": You mean with your business acumen? Or your critical thinking?

"PIPSQUEAK": Both. Or just… becoming a better person than I think I'm supposed to be.

"BRO": Sure you can get better, but it's the same as how you can win the lottery. Try it out, but don't put all your chips on it, because it probably won't pay off. But still, have some fun and gamble a little bit on yourself.

"PIPSQUEAK": If someone helps a bunch of people and they admire him for it, is it bad if that person gets off on the admiration?

"BRO": No.

"PIPSQUEAK": Do you think Grampa got off on the admiration he got?

"BRO": He might not have shown it, but he definitely did. At least a little bit.

"PIPSQUEAK": And from what I told you about the freakishly perfect super-fox who everyone seemed to love, do you think he gets off on it?

"BRO": I mean, he's got to. If you don't get a kick out of everybody calling you a hero… man, then you just aren't any fun.

"PIPSQUEAK": And… last thing… is it… unheroic to be short?

"BRO": ...What the heck are you talking about?

"PIPSQUEAK": How come in every movie and TV show I've ever seen, the heroes are always tall guys? Like, okay, they're not gigantic, but they're never below average. Hell, like- we keep bringing up Sidney movies for some reason, let's think of all the Sidney movies. Now the girly Sidney movies, the boy-ey Sidney movies. The ones with hero types. Even in cartoons, they're always fucking huge! Like, I'm thinking over the videotapes we have in the living room… even when they did fucking G-rated Sherlock Holmes with mice, fucking mouses, Bro, they drew G-rated Sherlock as the tallest mouse on the screen. Or one of the tallest, at least. Do you get why I get that impression?

"BRO": Jeez, someone could do a psychological study on you to prove the negative effect of physical vanity in media.

"PIPSQUEAK": But am I wrong?

"BRO": And does this have something to do with how the guy who's easily the tallest fox you've ever met also seems to be easily the most heroic fox you've ever met?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Yes.

"BRO": And now you're afraid that life imitates art.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Yeah.

"BRO": I'm not gonna lie to you, bro, I'm sure there's some way of thinking that because society thinks being taller is better, taller people have more self-esteem, so they have the cojones to do more brave things, proving the stereotype true, ipso facto, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. But forget that, Pipsqueak. Real life doesn't play by Hollywood's rules. Hell, if you ask me, it would be pretty fucking heroic for a short guy to overcome that very stigma and do something heroic anyway. But that's just my opinion. You wanna know what's really heroic? Having confidence when the world says you don't deserve to have any. Unfortunately, little brother, confidence is the one thing I don't sell, so I can't just give it to ya. You're gonna have to find it for yourself.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": Although cocaine makes a pretty good imitation, which I can sell you, though it's not a permanent fix. And it can have some nasty side-effects.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...I think I know what I gotta do next.

"BRO": Oh? Did I help you, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": By accident, kinda.

"BRO": Do you feel like you know me better now?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… by accident. Kinda.

"BRO": Well, works for me. You good to go?

"PIPSQUEAK": I mean… is there anything else you wanted to ask me?

"BRO": I dunno. See any good movies lately?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… I saw one about skateboarders last weekend. It was alright. One of the guys was named Stacy, and I thought it was weird that they named him that.

"BRO": I think that was a real guy named Stacy that that character was based on, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": Oh! Wait! I remembered the last thing I wanted to tell you!

"BRO": What's that?

"PIPSQUEAK": We found the waterfall in the woods.

"BRO": ...No shit?

"PIPSQUEAK": It's real. I thought you were just fucking with us, Bro. Sorry I doubted you.

"BRO": You see, Pipsqueak? You can always trust your old Bro.

"PIPSQUEAK": Except when you tell me to my face that I shouldn't take your advice because you're a stupid asshole.

"BRO": Darn tootin', Pipsqueak. So… did the crazy homeless guys who lived around there die or something?

"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… I gotta ask, Bro, did you ever actually… see those crazy homeless people?

"BRO": I myself didn't, but I heard their voices, though. It was weird because, through the trees, half of them sounded like methed-out rednecks, and the other half sounded British or something. Pretty weird combination, if you ask me.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": So did you see them?

"PIPSQUEAK": What? Oh, no, no, uh… no sign of 'em. We actually only went there because - if you remember Kevin, the hyena kid who lived next door - he went there at night to try to find it, but he ran into some cops who thought he was the crazy homeless person, so they kicked his ass.

"BRO": Ooh. Yikes. Bummer.

"PIPSQUEAK": Naw, fuck him. He had it coming.

"BRO": Is he alright?

"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.

"BRO": ...Oookay then. Did this guy… do you have a history with this guy that you and him don't gel?

"PIPSQUEAK": Oh. Bro. He kicks my ass all the time for no reason. And Double-D's and Ed's.

"BRO": That stupid hyena can beat up a freaking grizzly bear?

"PIPSQUEAK": Ed's a klutz and he's too kind to fight back. Unless he has a pebble in his shoe.

"BRO": ...I don't get it. But hey, if I'm ever back in town and I run into this hyena kid, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind for messing with my baby brother! I don't care if he's bigger than me, I'll give him a piece of my mind!

"PIPSQUEAK": If he ever wakes up.

"BRO": ...Is he in a fucking coma or something? Uh- pardon my French again-

"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, he is. Good riddance.

"BRO": ...You know, Pip, you were talking so much about wanting to be a fox hero, but here you are happy that a kid got beat into a coma by the cops. Does that seem pretty heroic to you?

"PIPSQUEAK": He's the villain of my story, Bro. He's the bad guy.

"BRO": You know what would be really heroic, though? Reforming him and forgiving him.

"PIPSQUEAK": What the-? Bro, weren't you the one who said you were cool with being an asshole? Where's this coming from?

"BRO": Hey, Pipsqueak, I can still dream about what I'd do if I were heroic. But it's just not in my genes. Maybe the Super-Fox can help you fix him with that magical personality you raved about. Just something to think about.

"PIPSQUEAK": Naw, he doesn't have to help him. Fuck him. I want him to be a worse person than me.

"BRO": Okay, now that is definitely not heroic.

"PIPSQUEAK": What the fuck do you know about heroism?

"BRO": Well, if someone were to try to convince me that they were, quote, 'heroic' when they were that vindictive, I would tell them to their face that they hadn't convinced me. You've got me thinking about a lot of people I know who say they think that prisons should rehab criminals instead of just punishing them, but then when they hate someone - for personal reasons, for political reasons, whatever - when they hate someone, they want that person dead. Oh, yeah, sure, you want to reform bad people until they do something to slight you. Real fucking noble of you. There's another for the swear jar. But yeah, this is why I don't vote.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...So you wouldn't actually take my side against him.

"BRO": Who? The hyena? Of course I'd take your side, Pipsqueak! And I'd go up to this kid who I definitely can't fight - legally or physically - and I'd try to work my charisma to talk to him on his level and get him to change his ways. Because there are some people whose asses you can kick and you can get them to feel bad for what they did to you, but most people? Kick their ass or scream at them that they're an asshole or something that makes it clear that you think you're unarguably good and they're unarguable evil? They're just gonna think you're stupid, or an asshole, or a narcissist, and they're gonna feel vindicated in whatever they did to piss you off, because they're gonna think that if that's how you react, you're an asshole and you deserved it.

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": And I've been that guy. When I was living in Boston a few years back, I was in line at the grocery store and the nervous-looking bunny in front of me is digging through her purse, and clear as day I see a can of Fox Repellent.

"PIPSQUEAK": Wait, they still make that stuff!?

"BRO": You have to order it off shady websites or late-night infomercials on bunny channels, but yes. They do. Even though it's basically just regular mace with a racist label. And when I see the can, I just tell her off for it. I say, hey, you have a can of mace that specifically targets one demographic, how do you justify that? How do you think you're a good person for doing that? If you're so confident in your decisions, lady, mace me right now in a crowded grocery store. And I'm expecting her to be embarrassed. Instead, she turns to the cashier and says something like, 'Jeez, foxes are so aggressive over nothing, this is why I have to protect myself from them.' Now I know - I know - I was right to feel displeased that she had that can of mace in her purse… but I'm not so sure it was the right move to tell her off, not because it was an inherently immoral decision or anything, but because I saw the net result… she was even more confident in her bigotry than she was two minutes prior. Now, I've talked to other foxes about this, I've talked to other predators about this, hell, I've talked to a few prey friends about this, and it's a whole big thing; some say I made the right choice to tell her off and that it was fucked up that she wasn't embarrassed; some say I should have told her off just as an act of justified catharsis and if it worked on her, then it worked on her, and if not, then whatever; some say I should've killed her with kindness because telling her off was never gonna work, but others say that being nice to her would be excusing her racism; others say she never would have listened to me and my best bet was to find a not-racist prey person around and talk through them to talk some sense into her - and even then, half of them say I should have used my prey proxy to tell her off anyway and the other half say I should have had the prey person be like, 'hey, I don't mean to attack you, but your decision is stigmatizing that poor gentleman who's done nothing to you' - and most of them, most of them, say that there's nothing I could have done, she's prey, I'm a predator, she's a bunny, I'm a fox, she would never be convinced to change unless something snapped in her brain and she made that decision to change herself, and I just have to twiddle my thumbs and hope that happens… It's a shame that bunny was racist, because she was smokin' freaking hot. No loving god would ever rig my libido to want to copulate with the people who hate me… You still there, Pipsqueak?

"PIPSQUEAK": Mmhmm.

"BRO": Listen, bro, I'm sorry I went on that tangent, I don't want to talk politics, but politics are really messed up in this town and I can't not think about them when they barge their way into my head… okay. Back to the hyena kid. Listen, Pip: changing people is hard. A lot of different people have a lot of different ideas for how to do it: positivity, negativity, kindness, anger, compassion, ridicule, praise, punishment, peace, violence, emotional manipulation, lobotomies, psychoactive chemicals… but most methods don't work most of the time, and all those methods can make things worse if the person doesn't know what they're doing with them. Because it all comes down to the person implementing those methods. And everyone thinks that their method works best, and nobody will allow themselves to be told otherwise, which shouldn't be surprising since taking it upon yourself to try to change someone is an inherently arrogant thing to do, begging the question of whether changing people is even possible… but we have to believe it is, and we have to try it anyway. Because nothing's going to get better unless we believe people can change. Then there are some people who think they can just shun all the people they don't like… forever. And they don't want their enemies to change; they want their enemies gone. Dead. Defeated. And I don't like that mindset because I'm that person to somebody else, we're all that person to somebody else, and I don't like that I can make an honest mistake once and there are people out there who feel high and mighty specifically because they're never going to give me the opportunity to redeem myself. But somebody still has to convince these fucking people they're wrong, because if nobody does, then society is fucked. And I'd try to do it myself, but I don't think that even I'm that persuasive. But someone out there has to be… Whew. Shit, I'm almost done… hey. Pipsqueak… I don't know what this hyena kid did to you. Or what he's done to anybody else. But as someone who knows that people out there think I'm unforgivable because of the species I was born as, I don't believe in unforgivable. Unless an actual, honest-to-God medical professional checks him out and says, yeah, no, he's got a problem with his brain and he's emotionally handicapped, he's literally incapable of not being an asshole, then fuck it, do away with him. But if you really want to convince me you're the one in our family who's really first among the foxes, then don't give up hope that he can change. Even if you can't be the one to change him, don't give up hope that he can. Because even Grampa Vik wasn't that strong… Changing people is hard, Pipsqueak. That's why I consider it heroic. And that's why I don't think I'm a hero.

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Are you done?

"BRO": Like I said, Pipsqueak, I've been thinking about this a lot.

"PIPSQUEAK": I was gonna say, a lot of that sounded scripted.

"BRO": I may have been rehearsing that monologue in the shower the other day. But hey, I know a lot of people who-

"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, great, more.

"BRO": No, this is only a quick sentence or two.

"PIPSQUEAK": Or twenty.

"BRO": As someone who knows a lot of people for networking purposes, I know a lot of people who would hate me for believing something as controversial as 'forgiveness is good' and 'we should try to change people instead of shunning them', and they always twist it into 'oh, well, would you forgive the people who did 9/11?' and I just-

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, you're ranting again.

"BRO": Fuck, I'm sorry, Pipsqueak… what I meant to say was thanks for letting me bitch and moan in confidence.

"PIPSQUEAK": Your swear jar's overflowing, Bro.

"BRO": Probably. I'm gonna have to watch my tongue after this to make sure those naughty words don't slip out when I'm conducting business. But hey. Kid. Of course I would take your side against that mean kid. You know I love you, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": ...Why would you think I know that?

"BRO": Because I'm your brother!

"PIPSQUEAK": And? You call me once a year on my birthday and that's it.

"BRO": Then get your own cell phone with the money you snagged! When I call the house phone, Mom and Dad won't shut up and by the time I get the chance to talk to you, all my prepaid minutes are gone!

"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, I wasn't lying when I said I've always looked up to you, but… part of me's been wondering for awhile if I shouldn't. Like, subconsciously.

"BRO": Uh… what do you mean?

"PIPSQUEAK": For like, a year and a half, I keep having this dream where me and the boys are getting chased out of town by the other kids in the neighborhood. They want to kill us. And I'm trying to find your place because I'm sure you'll keep me safe. Then we get there and the first thing you do is twist my ankle in a complete circle until it breaks.

"BRO": Wha-!? Why the hell would I ever do that!?

"PIPSQUEAK": Because you actually kinda did that once when I was a little kid. I was like, three or four. We were playing Uncle and you twisted my ankle until I started crying. I couldn't walk right on it for like a week.

"BRO": ...P-Pipsqueak, I don't remember ever-

"PIPSQUEAK": We were watching a hockey game in the living room. One of the teams was the Whalers back when they were still around. I think that's why in the dream, you live in a trailer shaped like a big green whale. I think Uncle Kris was still in their system back then, so that's why we were Hartford fans for awhile… actually, yeah, he was definitely still in their system, because Mom brought up our uncle, and that gave you the idea to play Uncle.

"BRO": ...Uh-

"PIPSQUEAK": Mom and Dad were there, but they were so wrapped up in the game that they didn't notice you were hurting me until I started crying loud enough. Then Mom got up and smacked you across the face and her claws scratched your snout really, really deep. Then Dad chokeslammed you onto the couch and screamed "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" so loud he couldn't talk again for an hour. And when he threw you down, a bunch of blood-drops from the gashes on your nose splattered all over the couch and the wall. Then you were crying.

"BRO": ...O-okay, I… I remember now.

"PIPSQUEAK": If you remember, then tell me why you did it.

"BRO": I-I don't remember that! Just the part about… Dad throwing me on the couch… and-

"PIPSQUEAK": I think the only reason they didn't take me to the hospital was because Mom and Dad knew I was afraid of going to the doctor back then.

"BRO": ...B-b-but Pipsqueak, I never hurt you besides that, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": I dunno. I don't remember everything. But you definitely did it once, and that makes me wonder what's inside you.

"BRO": You said you were three or four? So I would've been… what, eleven or twelve? Pipsqueak, I was stupid when I was a kid! You know I'm not like that anymore, right? I was a stupid kid!

"PIPSQUEAK": Well you started your lucrative business venture around that age, so how stupid could you have been?

"BRO": ...I-I-

"PIPSQUEAK": I feel like such a prissy like Double-D putting these bullshit meanings on my dreams, but… what if it means that I've spent my whole life chasing after this perfect idea of my brother… someone who's gonna help me and protect me and… lead me… only to finally find you and find out you don't really give a shit about me? But hey, that's just a guess. It's just a dream. A dream I just happen to keep having. Maybe it don't mean nothin' at all.

"BRO": ...Pipsqueak. I'm sorry. That's who I was. I'm not like that anymore.

"PIPSQUEAK": Well, you know what, Bro? I have faith that you can change, even though I barely know who you are in the first place.

"BRO": ...I see.

"PIPSQUEAK": For the record, Bro, I wasn't even going to bring that up before you told me I oughta try to forgive the hyena. Because I've been having this dream every couple of weeks, and I've been remembering the time you fucked up my ankle every couple of weeks, and I just kept writing it off as, 'oh, that's some wacky shit that happened once, it doesn't mean anything else!' But then you went on your little rant and you got me thinking about it. Forgive Kevin. Of course you would think that. You clearly have a vested fucking interest in me thinking that way.

"BRO": Hey, bro, I already said I've made mistakes and I want people to forgive me for them!

"PIPSQUEAK": Exactly. You know you're an asshole and you want to be let off the hook for it. I guess I've been ignoring the warning signs for years but your little soapbox put the pieces together for me in five minutes. Fuck, it was probably a good thing you didn't want to play with me that one time you were holed up fingering your prick to a bunny in basketball shorts; God knows what kind of fucked-up games you woulda wanted to play... Well, anyway, I'm actually running out of quarters now!

"BRO": Wait, really?

"PIPSQUEAK": Yup. Buh-bye, Bro.

"BRO": Wait! Pipsqueak. Real quick, I… you… you do know I love you, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": Mmhmm. Sure.

"BRO": I'm serious! Even if I don't say it much, I do!

"PIPSQUEAK": You say a lot of things, Bro. Not all of them are true.

"BRO": C'mon, I wouldn't lie about something like that to my own brother! Pip, for real, save up for your own phone and I'll talk to you more often!

"PIPSQUEAK": I thought you were always busy hustling and time is money?

"BRO": Bro, I might have a bunch of friends in this town, but I'm not really close with any of them. I'd love to make time to talk to my baby brother some more. Especially now that you're older and we can have adult conversations!

"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)

"BRO": I'm lonely in this godforsaken city, Pipsqueak. Nobody here cares about me.

"PIPSQUEAK": Then just call the house and ask for me.

"BRO": Mom and Dad are gonna act weird if I do! They're gonna think I'm trying to corrupt you!

"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, do you think Mom and Dad hate you because you're a bunnyfucker?

"BRO": Huh? Oh, uh, uh… Well, lemme put it this way, Pip. They've never once asked me if I have a girlfriend.

"PIPSQUEAK": Hm. Neato.

"BRO": (silence)

"PIPSQUEAK": I wasn't going anywhere with that. I'm still hanging up on you. Toodles.

"BRO": Pipsqueak, don't be like that!

"PIPSQUEAK": I guess telling you off works to make you feel bad.

"BRO": Hey, when it's coming from my own baby brother-!

"PIPSQUEAK": When's my birthday, Bro?

"BRO": ...Pipsqueak, I know your birthday! I call you on your birthday every year!

"PIPSQUEAK": No, Mom reminds you it's my birthday the day before.

"BRO": ...Julyyy...

"PIPSQUEAK": Mmhmm?

"BRO": ...Twenty-fifth.

"PIPSQUEAK": Nope. Catch ya later.

"BRO": Pipsqueak, you know I love you, right?

"PIPSQUEAK": The phone's beeping in my ear, Bro.

"BRO": I love you, Pipsqueak.

"PIPSQUEAK": (rustling sounds)

"BRO": I'm sorry, bud.

(click)

(call ends)

*A. N.* (it just dawned upon me I should probably be bolding my author's notes): Man, I lost count of all the pop culture references in this one. And if you haven't seen Vuk a.k.a. The Little Fox, I gotta say I recommend it; not the greatest film ever, but certainly one that deserves more recognition outside of Europe. Anyway, I was racing to finish this (it wasn't supposed to be 46 Google Docs pages, but I just couldn't close the floodgates I'd opened) by today, the 4th, because not only is it the 21st anniversary of Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy, it's the one-year anniversary of this fic! (...give or take a day because I couldn't figure out /AO3 at first) There's still plenty, plenty, plenty more to go, so before continuity lockout really sets in, I'm brainstorming ways to further promote it besides passively linking to it on r/fanfiction at random - crosspost on DeviantArt? give Tumblr a try? be ballsy and muse about it on Twitter? (...lolno…. right?) Even if you're reading this far in the future, if I'm still not done with it, I'd love to hear your recommendations for how to advertise this efficiently. I've seen other people do it, and I want a piece of that pie. I like pie. As for the present, the next Significant Date would be the 19th (Ed's/Matt Hill's birthdays) but yeah no I'm not making that, so I'm gonna shoot for February 16th (Robin's stepdad's/Brian Bedford's birthdays). Hopefully I don't get drafted to die in Iran before then. Wish me luck. Thanks for a good first year in the fanfic world - if this all blows up tomorrow, I'll still remember my OGs. Take care.

...And yes, I have now retconned the endings of both Robin Hood AND Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy. I am an iconoclast. Fear me, for I shall dismantle all that you hold dear. But for good reason.