L'EDgendary

by dobanochi

A few years since we last saw any of them, the Peach Creek Boys and the Merry Men run into one another at just the right time, working together to undermine an oppressive city government as well as their burgeoning insecurities. An action-comedy-drama character study about friendship, leadership, self-esteem, and the divide between who we're born as and who we choose to be.

22. Auxiliary Document 3

22. "Auxiliary Document 3"

The following is a transcript of an interview between an investigator and an inmate at Nottingham County Correctional Institution in Blades, Delaware. The transcript is presented as provided* by the Nottingham County Police Department on July 8, 2019. Permission to view and use was granted upon journalistic request and under the condition that this publication stipulate that the Nottingham County P.D. and the Nottingham County C.I. are understood to have been working since the time of this recording to uphold higher standards of professionalism. The Nottingham County P. D. and Nottingham County C.I. both declined to answer our editors' further questions about the transcript.

*Formatting has been adjusted to fit your screen.

NOTTINGHAM COUNTY CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION

INTERROGATION LOG

Date of Recording: 06-15-2005
Time of Recording: 1344h.

Inmate Name: DALE, ALAN ARTHUR
Inmate #: S-1881
DOB: 01-10-1964
Place of Birth: ELK CITY, OK
Residence at Time of Arrest: NOTTINGHAM, DE
Date of Arrest: 02-14-2003
Date of Conviction: 09-16-2003

Species: COYOTE
Sex: M
Hair: TAN
Eyes: BROWN
HT: 04-01
WT: 0083
Sentence: 126 YRS
Served: 1 YR, 5 MOS, 30 DAYS

Charges:
Grand Theft Auto - Police Vehicle (48 counts)
Conspiracy to Commit Fraud (96 counts)
Sale of Stolen Goods (44 counts)
Destruction of Public Property (104 counts)
Destruction of Private Property (32 counts)
Trespassing - Private Property (61 counts)
Trespassing - Public Property (510 counts)
Robbery (85 counts)
Inciting a Riot (74 counts)
Violating the Public Order (399 counts)
Vandalism (235 counts)
Resisting Arrest (3 counts)
Assault of a Police Officer (2 counts)
Misdemeanor Obstruction of Justice (4 counts)
Felony Loitering (13 counts)
Attempted Involuntary Manslaughter (1 count)
Attempted Arson (5 counts)
Public Indecency - Urination (66 counts)
Misdemeanor Jaywalking (7,301 counts)

START OF RECORDING

INVESTIGATOR:
-are now recording. Alright, this is [REDACTED], today is, uh, June 15th, and I'm sitting down with a, uh… excuse me, with an Alan Arthur Dale. Good afternoon, Mr. Dale.

DALE:
And a blessèd day to you, sir.

INVESTIGATOR:
Uh… th-thank you. So… just for the posterity of the recording, you, Mr. Dale, were convicted in 2003, of, uh…
(papers rustling)
Um…

DALE:
I was convicted of a whole boatload of things, sir. Some of them you could prove I did, some of them you guys just assumed I did, some of them you guys used backwards math to calculate how many times I would have theoretically done them so you could charge me with them dozens or hundreds or thousands of times… and some of them you just plain made up because you wanted to put me away for the rest of my natural life.

INVESTIGATOR:
...Uh-

DALE:
But I don't mean to take that all out on you, sir. I know you're but one small part of the system and you likely had no part in what became of me. I've definitely never seen you in the courtroom before. And as we speak, in the back of my mind, I'm praying the Lord give me the strength to treat you with the mercy I hope you show to me.

INVESTIGATOR:
...Yes, but for the sake of the recording, you were mostly convicted of…?

DALE:
Stealing squad cars and giving them to the poor. The same poor you and your ilk systematically oppress in this city and cities across this land from sea to shining sea.

INVESTIGATOR:
And it looks like you were selling them, because I see here that there's also a few dozen charges of Sale of Stolen-

DALE:
Now you see, that's one of those that you guys made up. I didn't charge the needy a dime. I was doing the Lord's work.

INVESTIGATOR:
I see… Now, I've got to say, Mr. Dale, you do strike me as… especially religious.

DALE:
Why yes! This April marked the one-year anniversary of accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior!

INVESTIGATOR:
So, for the sake of the recording, would you call yourself a born-again Christian?

DALE:
Now, I wouldn't use that term, because I can tell you that there are a lot of guys in this prison yard who call themselves "born-again" but they all have very different ideas of what those two words mean. And I think it would be obscuring my duty as a Christian to waste my time getting caught up in all that bickering.

INVESTIGATOR:
Mr. Dale-

DALE:
But I will say this much, sir: I did begin identifying as a Christian when I previously had not, I do believe I now have a close relationship with Jesus Christ when I previously had not, and I did baptize myself in the toilet last year on Resurrection Sunday -
(clothes heard rustling)
- which is why Hopkins shanked me the day after, for not respecting the sanctity of that day, but my newfound faith was stronger than the pain -

INVESTIGATOR:
Mr. Dale, you don't need to show me the scar-

DALE:
- so if it makes you more comfortable to call me a born-again Christian for convenience's sake, I'd have no qualm with that.

INVESTIGATOR:
...Mr. Dale, I just needed a simple yes or no for the recording, you didn't need to say all that.

DALE:
I disagree, sir. The Lord told me to mention all that, and He's the one authority I obey above all others.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well… what I was getting at was… was there a specific reason why you decided to turn to Christianity?

DALE:
There was. That reason was because the prison library didn't have a Quran.

INVESTIGATOR:
Uh… no, I-

DALE:
No? But that was quite literally the reason, sir. And if I may say, sir, if you guys were to start stocking the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, I know that lion Mustafa in Block C would greatly appreciate it. He's the one who got me interested in his faith, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

INVESTIGATOR:
...Mr. Dale, when I asked you about your journey towards, uh, religiosity, I was hoping you'd say something to the effect of, uh, you were feeling guilty for your actions. And you were looking to, uh… what's the word? Atone. Alright?

DALE:
...So you were asking me loaded questions?

INVESTIGATOR:
...Did you seek piety out of a sense of remorse for your crimes or not? Because the questions we're here to ask… we'll know that we can have more faith in your responses if you… if you say that you, uh… you feel the criminal life is behind you and you've washed your hands of all that.

DALE:
Sounds to me like it would be in my best interest to lie and pretend I did.

INVESTIGATOR:
So you don't regret stealing all those cop cars?

DALE:
Absolutely not, sir. If anything, rediscovering God has only strengthened my resolve that such a daring act of charity was the correct thing to do.

INVESTIGATOR:
Alright, well, for starters, this is why you're still in prison, because you haven't learned anything-

DALE:
Quite the contrary, sir, I've learned plenty.

INVESTIGATOR:
No you haven't. So as of-

DALE:
Now, sir, you certainly seem to be interested in finding the facts of a situation, so let me just make this clear up top before you ask me whatever it was you were going to ask me. In many ways, I'm the same guy you arrested. I still think someone like you just doesn't need to exist. But whereas I used to wish you dead, I have seen the light now, and instead I wish you find your own way to God and abandon your position so as to better serve Him. I encourage you to-

INVESTIGATOR:
You seriously want to have this conversation?

DALE:
Sir, there's no need to be so defensive. I'm not going to hurt you; I left that part of me in the past. I know now that the only way you can change is if you come to that decision yourself. All I can do is plant the seeds and hope they get plenty of sun and water.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, hey, Buddha, enlighten me, when you say "someone like me doesn't need to exist," you mean…?

DALE:
Cops, sir.

INVESTIGATOR:
That's what I thought. So you're, what? Forty-one? Think you'd been around the block enough times to realize by now that your little teenager's fantasy about a world without police would be a complete hellhole.

DALE:
It's funny you should say that, because all my journeys throughout this country have led me to believe the exact opposite.

INVESTIGATOR:
Forty-one and you've never once needed the police to keep you safe?

DALE:
Ah, but you don't keep people safe, you just clean up messes. When you're not fighting for the interests of the rich, of course. I personally have never felt safe in the presence of police.

INVESTIGATOR:
What the f*** are you talking-?

GUARD:
[REDACTED], you really shouldn't engage with this guy, this isn't what you're here to talk about. You might just rile him up and he might give us false information just to f*** with us.

INVESTIGATOR:
You shut the f*** up!

GUARD:
Hey, b****, don't talk to me that way!

INVESTIGATOR:
Then don't talk to me at all while I'm doing my job! And you! Hey, I'm curious. Explain to me how you cop-haters are going to run a world without any cops. How the h*** are you going to keep people from committing crimes?

DALE:
Oh, it's really quite simple. Once you remove all the pillars of systematic injustice and hierarchy - of which the police are one of 'em - society will have no more desperate people who need to commit crimes to stay alive. Most crime is only the product of circumstance, after all.

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh, right, right, because you haven't ever seen a crazy person who shoots up a fucking post office because his life sucks?

DALE:
Well, maybe if the society was structured in such a way that his life didn't necessarily have to suck, he wouldn't have wanted to do that, hm?

INVESTIGATOR:
Course he would have! He's crazy!

DALE:
Sir, I never did say that all crime would be a thing of the past if myself and those who thought like me had our way. Just most of it.

INVESTIGATOR:
And how are you going to deal with the criminals that slip through the cracks with no cops around, wise-a**?

DALE:
I'll tell you how: a strong sense of community. Which is something the presence of the police are impeding.

INVESTIGATOR:
"A strong sense of-" What, do you mean a f***ing lynch mob?

DALE:
Well, you'd be surprised at how popular vigilantism is among the common people, if you just got to know them.

INVESTIGATOR:
You're a f***ing lunatic, do you know that?

DALE:
Oh, I'm just joking around. We don't want lynch mobs. The Lord would be very cross with us when we came to meet Him if we did. "A strong sense of community" is meant to mean that whenever someone violates the agreed-upon moral code, they would be dealt with democratically-

INVESTIGATOR:
"Democratically"? I thought your nutjobs' entire thing was that you didn't want rules, and now you're going on about "agreed-upon moral codes" and democracy?

DALE:
Oh, believe me, sir, when I first heard all of this, I was confused, too, but I assure you that a world without laws does not necessarily mean a world without order. You know, there's actually some good anarchist literature I can recommend to you if you'd like to hear it from people who can probably phrase it better than I can, but none of it's in the prison library. Funny how that works.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, I'd like to see your "agreed-upon moral codes" stop something like 9/11. Or Columbine!

DALE:
Pardon my flippance, sir, but the existence of police didn't stop those things, either.

(six seconds of silence)

INVESTIGATOR:
...You know what? This is good. This is relevant. Let's get your biases out of the way. Now anything you say from here on out can be cross-referenced with all that so we can get a decent read on where your head's really at.

DALE:
Glad I could help. I'm surprised you didn't force me to swear an oath of honesty at the top of this.

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh, no, that would be unconstitutional. This is all in regard to a very recent development and there wouldn't have been any time to ring you up for a formal interrogation.

DALE:
Huh, well, that's awful civil of you.

INVESTIGATOR:
There, you see? We're not the bad guys in all this. And you don't have to be our enemy.

DALE:
Well, in a world where evil exists, if you're not the enemy of evil, then you're not doing enough right.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, I'm still not convinced that the entire concept of law enforcement is evil.

DALE:
I didn't think you would be. So what did you come here to ask me?

INVESTIGATOR:
Uh… hey, what time is it-? Oh, Jesus Christ. Um…

GUARD:
I told you not to waste time debating him.

INVESTIGATOR:
You suck my d*** until the saliva makes it shine, alright?

GUARD:
What the-? B****, do you want me to protect you from this crazy t**** or not?

INVESTIGATOR:
He's not the "personal injury" type of crazy, he's just the "wacky ideology" type of crazy. Besides, with you standing all the way over there, he could probably take a few swings at me before you could even break it up.

DALE:
You see? Once again, cops don't stop crime, they just clean up the mess.

INVESTIGATOR:
I didn't ask you. So… as of, oh, say… an hour ago… a formal investigation was opened up into two characters who, uh… are thought to be… sort of "bandits" for lack of a better word.

DALE:
...I see.

INVESTIGATOR:
These individuals are being tied to a… whole slew of unsolved cases from a good chunk of the last decade, going back to the spring or summer of 1998, and, uh… apparently Mayor Norman caught wind of them and saw to it that the, uh, the poor little schmuck with no arms did some research and found some names and faces to attach to these figures.

DALE:
I see.

INVESTIGATOR:
And the weird thing is… if the leads are correct… the suspects are actually two individuals that've been thought missing since… well, basically since the spring or summer of 1998, like I said. And the reason we don't think this is completely crazy is because, uh… they were… their faces were more or less identified by an eleven-year-old boy from Lemon Brook whose, uh… it's thought that these bandits set a trap for the kid's parents and looted their car, and now the kid can't speak, he's so shook.

DALE:
Hm. That's a heartbreaker to hear.

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh, absolutely. So… they showed pictures from the two guys' missing-persons files to the kid, and apparently he just screamed his head off. The officer in the room declared probable cause. That all happened about half an hour before they sent me to talk to you.

DALE:
So I see.

INVESTIGATOR:
And the mayor asked if we could look into any convicted criminals who, uh… if they had relevant details, I guess. I don't know what exactly he said, but they started looking through records and they discovered that you, Mr. Dale… before you were arrested in 2003… you had also not been heard from in any legal capacity since 1998.

DALE:
...Understood.

INVESTIGATOR:
And while your file says that at the time of your apprehension you were crashing on friends' couches all over the city… it's not like we have every single night for five years accounted for. It's not unreasonable that if you were living off the grid as a full-time criminal for all those years, you very well may have crossed paths with them. Especially seeing as, uh… it is rumored that these guys were also living off the grid.

DALE:
Alright, I think I gather what you're getting at.

INVESTIGATOR:
I mean, I guess it was already implied that they were living off the grid if they were missing for, like, seven years, but, uh-

DALE:
Now remind me again, sir… I'm under no obligation to tell you anything here I don't want to?

INVESTIGATOR:
Right now… yes. Now if you get taken in for another interview under more formal circumstances - which honestly is probably going to happen anyway - then they'll probably hold you to your word, and the same thing if they ultimately catch these guys and make you testify in court. But for right now, no, you can give us complete bulls*** if you really want to, but understand that when they come in here for real and tell you that they're going to pore over every syllable and sentence that comes out of your snout, and it d*** well better add up when they check the facts… you'll have h*** to pay if your story isn't straight. Or, heck, if you just want to filibuster for… how long is it until dinnertime?

GUARD:
Three hours.

INVESTIGATOR:
-for three hours, hey, it's your time. We can't legally make you sing like a canary, but we can keep you here until it would be bona-fide cruelty to do so.

DALE:
I can recite you some scripture if you'd like.

INVESTIGATOR:
I'll pass, thank you.

DALE:
Are you sure? It's never too late to accept Jesus Christ as your-

INVESTIGATOR:
I'm Jewish.

DALE:
...Oh.

GUARD:
Wait, you are?

INVESTIGATOR:
...Yeah?

GUARD:
Man, I thought you were saying that just to f*** with him!

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh, I wouldn't be that petty to him… I will admit, though, that look on his face was golden!

GUARD:
Too bad your little recorder thing can't see it!

INVESTIGATOR:
Yeah, I know, right? But, yeah, Mr., uh, Mr. Dale… that's why I was trying to ask about the whole born-again thing to use it as a sort of vehicle to get the ball rolling and see if you had any regrets about your past, and maybe your conscience would be telling you to tattle on these guys. Because like I said, this is a new development but they want to move quickly, I think they're looking to get wanted posters printed and thrown up… like, today, so...

DALE:
Well, I don't know who these guys are.

INVESTIGATOR:
Alright, so, I'll tell you right now, I don't believe that. Reason why is because when I started describing these guys, instead of you saying "who are these guys" or "I've never heard of these guys," you just went straight for "am I being legally held to my word?"

DALE:
...And I understand how you would arrive at that conclusion.

INVESTIGATOR:
So for better or worse, we now have reason to believe that you have at least some working familiarity with these guys.

DALE:
...I understand how you would arrive at that conclusion.

INVESTIGATOR:
You seem to understand a lot, Dale. But do you understand that you would be helping the pursuit of justice greatly by giving us something to work with? Anything you know about these guys that could help us get a leg up on them? You go on and on about how cops don't actually stop crime - well… now's your chance to help us before they commit more.

(four seconds of silence)

INVESTIGATOR:
Come on, Dale, I can tell by that look on your face that you're realizing right now that you've already told us more than you meant to. But I can promise you that that's not a bad thing. You might regret it now, but when you look back on this in hindsight, you'll wish you said more. I guarantee it.

(seven seconds of silence pass)

INVESTIGATOR:
Hey, we can make a deal. You talk and we'll agree to put a Quran in the prison library for your lion buddy Mufasa.

DALE:
Mustafa.

INVESTIGATOR:
Yeah, him.

DALE:
What gives me reason to believe you'll actually act on your promise?

INVESTIGATOR:
Uh, this.
(shuffling sounds)
(loud and distorted): Hey recording, whoever's listening to this in the future, do our buddy Mufasa a favor and add a Quran to the prison library!
(regular volume): What about a Torah? Does the library have a Torah?

DALE:
I don't recall. I didn't check.

INVESTIGATOR:
(loud and distorted): And make sure you put a Torah in there too if there isn't one already! Oy, gevalt!
(regular volume): ...Jesus, that was the first time I ever said "oy gevalt" dead serious. Don't tell my grandparents, they'll throw a fit.

GUARD:
And yet you used Jesus's name in vain.

INVESTIGATOR:
F***ing A, I did. That's what happens when you grow up surrounded by gentiles throwing the guy's name around like they're playing catch! So yeah, Mr. Dale, pardon me for using your lord's name in vain, but… is there anything you'd like to tell us?

DALE:
...I mean… I had to make friends to survive all those years… maybe I've met the guys you're looking for.

INVESTIGATOR:
We're looking for a red fox who's a British national and a brown bear who's from Tennessee. Any of this ringing a bell?

DALE:
...If it's okay with you… I'd like to call upon my Lord for help.

INVESTIGATOR:
Help remembering?

DALE:
That… and help deciding how much I should tell you.

INVESTIGATOR:
Of course.

DALE:
If you'd just give me a moment.

INVESTIGATOR:
Take your time.

(fifteen seconds of silence)

INVESTIGATOR:
Well?

DALE:
I thought you said I could take my time.

INVESTIGATOR:
Right. My mistake. Carry on.

(thirty-seven seconds of silence)

INVESTIGATOR:
Hm?

DALE:
Hold on, hold on, hold your horses, phone's still ringing.

INVESTIGATOR:
...Alright.

(two minutes and fourteen seconds of silence)

DALE:
...He said no.

INVESTIGATOR:
He said no? To what?

DALE:
To telling you what it is I know.

GUARD:
Well, s***, son, hard to argue with that!

INVESTIGATOR:
But you do confess that you know… something.

DALE:
I conscientiously object to telling you anything I may know, sir.

INVESTIGATOR:
And I conscientiously object to just accepting that and calling it a day.

DALE:
My Lord and Savior has told me to keep my mouth shut, and so His Will shall be done.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well you sure don't have any trouble opening your mouth to tell us fifty different ways that you're keeping your mouth shut.

DALE:
What can I say? I'm still a sinner. That's why I appreciate that Christ offered to save me.

INVESTIGATOR:
Mmhmm. Well here on Earth, we won't think less of you if you choose to sin some more and tell us what you know.

DALE:
I'm not concerned with the judgment of man.

INVESTIGATOR:
Evidently you are, because a judge judged that you were a dangerous man and put you in the pen, and you seem pretty eaten up over that.

DALE:
Okay, fair enough. I care about the judgment of man inasmuch as I wish they all sought to serve the Lord as I have. And that's nothing against you, my Jewish brother. I trust that you will find God in your own way.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, I appreciate your well-wishing. But you don't enjoy being here, now do you?

DALE:
It's definitely making it a challenge to serve the Lord confined within these walls.

INVESTIGATOR:
Do you ever feel lonely in here?

DALE:
Not with the Lord with me-

INVESTIGATOR:
Besides Him.

DALE:
Not really. I really don't feel lonely with the Lord at my side. Loneliness isn't the problem. Confinement is.

INVESTIGATOR:
You wouldn't rather have some of your friends from the outside join you in here?

DALE:
Oh, I don't think they would be my friends anymore if I narced on them. I wouldn't wish this life upon my worst enemies.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, maybe if they were in here, you could convert them.

DALE:
As I said to you, sir, I can plant the seeds for them to make that journey on their own accord, but I can't force it. God wouldn't want it that way.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, according to the rumors out of Mayor Norman's mouth himself, apparently these bandit guys love robbing innocent people silly, sometimes causing lasting psychological damage. Would God want it that way?

(three seconds of silence)

DALE:
Now… this is where they and I disagreed.

INVESTIGATOR:
So… you were friends with the criminal masterminds living in Sherwood Forest?

(five seconds of silence)

DALE:
Now… I think I can safely say… if I were friends… with criminal masterminds… they would have busted me out of here by now… but, my good sir… I'll leave it up to you to decide whether the operative word in all that was "friends" or "masterminds". Heck, I'm not even sure which of those is the operative word myself.

INVESTIGATOR:
...I'm not sure I understand.

DALE:
...They've gotten people out of jail before… so I don't know if they just don't want to come get me… or if they just got dumb lucky the first time and they're too stupid to figure out how to do it again.

INVESTIGATOR:
...I see.

DALE:
Yeah.

INVESTIGATOR:
I've got to say, you seem a bit bothered by this.

DALE:
Well... they were kind of stupid. That's why I had to stop running with them.

INVESTIGATOR:
How do you mean?

DALE:
...In… in the beginning... we all agreed that we were trying to fight the institutional subjugation of poor people, but their big idea was that they could weaken the city's government by preying on the rich civilians who keep them in power, but after years of not making any progress, they still couldn't get it through their heads that it wasn't adding up to anything. So I went my own way and started stepping up the game. Started taking aim at the cops… They had the nerves to tell me I was getting too radical. I told those idiots to their faces that they weren't being radical enough. So I found some new friends who would help me run my own operation. And I've got to say… I saw a lot more results than I did when I was with them. And I felt a lot more fulfilled.

INVESTIGATOR:
I see. That must have been a tough decision for you.

DALE:
It really wasn't. They wanted to pussy-foot around and scope out people to figure out if they were evil enough to justify robbing them, and I was just there thinking… okay, I can't tell you you're bad people for following your moral compass, but come now, these are rich people, they're evil inherently, even if you don't overhear them talking about how much they hate "ghetto" types, the fact that they choose to hoard their wealth while people starve is proof enough that they don't deserve their comfort. They think I'm a madman? Well, I think they're a bunch of fools. A bunch of fools and cowards.

INVESTIGATOR:
...I… I'm sorry, I… I'm confused, were these guys people you stole cop cars with, or…?

DALE:
No, no, the car idea was my own thing, and I did that with some people I found down by the NSU and USD campuses, mostly students and old artist types. These guys… in Sherwood, I mean... well, if you asked them, they would say that it probably wasn't practical to go after the cops. Their whole thing was that they wanted to rob rich people and give the money directly to the poor, whereas the cops probably didn't have anything on their persons worth stealing. But then I had my idea with the squad cars - continue the charity while striking higher on the totem pole. They were content to attack the base that kept the power in place, I was looking to attack the power itself. And for this they rejected me. They thought that I was a looney toon. And it's a shame… those guys always acted so darned gentlemanly, but apparently they were too bitter and insecure to admit I was right and come get me out of here - or, again, maybe I'm overestimating their abilities again.

INVESTIGATOR:
So much for honor amongst thieves, I guess.

DALE:
(chuckles) Alright, alright, that was actually a pretty good one, copper. "No honor" is right.

INVESTIGATOR:
I'm happy to boost your spirits while this is clearly eating you up inside.

DALE:
Well, I appreciate it.
(three seconds of silence)
And… And do you know the most foolish part? They called me too radical. I pitched my ideas to them and they called me too radical. And then I tried to defend it by telling them that I'd gotten the ideas after making the acquaintance of some very, very wise anarchist thinkers down in the city, and they just scoffed at me. And yet… the irony in all of this… they kind of operated like their own mini anarchist society! We had a close-knit little commune out there in Sherwood; we didn't need any hierarchy, and even though the one guy was clearly in charge, he never made it official; we didn't need any rules, because we respected one another as equals so nobody was on the bottom so nobody needed to misbehave just to get ahead; every decision we made, we made democratically; we didn't practice capitalism, we only had with us what we needed and nothing more; we lived off the fat of the land and the help of our friends in the city and we didn't need any government to support us or any cops to keep us safe because we had one another's support. And we lived by an agreed-upon moral code that included only being rough to those oppressive barons who deserved to get roughed up but being nothing but kind and - if anything - subservient to the citizens we had sworn to help. You see? We were out there actually preventing crime - we made sure these people had food on the table and electricity in their sockets so they wouldn't have collectively needed to go raise h*** to get what they needed to live. You can thank us for doing your job for you.

INVESTIGATOR:
Thank you.

DALE:
You're very welcome, sir… But yeah, we were living out a by-the-books anarchist utopia, but when I pointed it out, those dumb b******s thought I was a crazy man. Pardon my French, Lord. But yeah… they were afraid of the "A" word. And it's a darn shame, because we could have proved that such a utopia was possible for all the centrists and doubters, but unfortunately for me, I was in league with centrists and doubters all along. Heh... maybe my utopia was a dystopia after all.
(three seconds of silence)
You look like you want to book me for all those years I was living in the woods and I logically wouldn't have been filing taxes. Not that I earned any income, but I'm sure you're not going to let that stop you.

INVESTIGATOR:
No, no, I'm just thinking… you keep referring to your time with these two as living in a sort of anarchist society - was it just you plus those two, or were there others?

DALE:
There were, but not many.

INVESTIGATOR:
How many more, and who were they?

DALE:
I assure you, they're not important. They all fell away for one reason or another. Those two are probably the only two left, and it flabbergasts me to find out they've still made it this long - even if not for getting caught, then I'd have imagined they'd eventually get on each other's nerves. But those two always did get along the best out of all of us. Like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, they were. And I was just the guy in the background as the resident storyteller because that was the role I was comfortable with before I realized I had higher ambitions than they ever would.

INVESTIGATOR:
I'm sorry, so… you're saying this as though you went through some sort of change? Like you had an epiphany or something?

DALE:
Yeah, when I said I was turned on to my new philosophy by brilliant anarchist thinkers from downtown, I meant that at face value. I used to be in the back seat of the car, letting the others take the wheel, thinking, okay, yeah, I like this noble endeavor to help the poor. But then I was shown a new perspective and I realized the car I was riding in was going in the wrong direction, and since they wouldn't let me drive or even hold the map, I had to get out of the car and find my own way. But yeah… before that, I never thought about what we were doing through the lens of politics, and apparently those guys are still waiting to realize it themselves.

INVESTIGATOR:
This really is a fascinating story. So… you were all alone in the whole… anarchism, "All Cops Are B******s" thing? While you were with the Sherwood Gang, I mean?

DALE:
That I was. Well - there was another. Neither of the guys you're looking for. You don't have to worry about this guy, he's dead now; we think he killed himself after he scared off a potential new member, but I wasn't there when he passed, so I'll never know for certain. Now, this kid - and I call him a kid, he was fresh out of school when we started, he was… probably barely old enough to drink when he left us - I don't know how serious he was about the anarchist movement, but this kid was really into punk rock, and you know how those two go hand in hand. Now, the old joke is that most people who say they're anarchists are just teens and twentysomethings who don't know anything about the real world yet - and I'll confess, I met a bunch of kids down at the colleges who I kind of got the feeling didn't totally understand the movement or the real world, that's why I was most entertained by the anarchists my age or older - darn, where was I?

INVESTIGATOR:
The kid.

DALE:
Bingo. So, this guy, this kid… his daddy was rich, but his daddy was also a really nasty son of a gun, so A plus B equals C, he hated rich people. And he was really into shaking up the status quo. Hence, he found and fell in love with punk rock music. Now, he and I weren't completely alike - he didn't love cops, per se, but his hatred was more focused on the rich than on cops, and I don't think he ever even once called himself an anarchist in seriousness - and I don't think he should have, since he loved running around with an American flag bandana around his head - not that he loved everything about America, but he liked it a lot more than back home in England, because he always said, his country had always been run by the rich and the royal whereas this country was founded by the idea that the common people should run things - even if it is still a plutocratic oligarchy, it's supposed to be run by the commoners, and he appreciated that... Aw, heck, I've lost my place again. Something about the kid…

INVESTIGATOR:
You were saying you and him weren't exactly the same.

DALE:
Thank you! So he didn't focus on cops as much as I did, he didn't hate statism as much as I did, and I should be adding that he passed before I ever even discovered serious anarchism, and - I remember now what I was trying to make a point about earlier! About how people think punk rock music and anarchism are for stupid young people who don't know better yet. I was just trying to say: hey, maybe it was just bound to be a phase for this kid, maybe he was going to grow out of it eventually, but while he was living with us, he was pretty heavily invested in carrying himself with a punk-rock attitude - as much as one can when they're wearing an American flag as a headband, but he knew the contradiction and he didn't care, and in a weird way, I respect that - and I don't know if he was fully into the politics of punk rock or not, but he was sort of the precursor to having a resident anarchist in our anarchist commune. Sorry that that was a little long-winded, but yeah, I hope that answers your question.

INVESTIGATOR:
It does, but it also raises a few others. You, uh… if I heard you right, you alluded to him being British?

DALE:
He would probably have corrected you and said "English" specifically, but yes. Yes, sir.

INVESTIGATOR:
Interesting. So, uh… did he have any sort of preexisting relationship with the fox, who, as far as we know, is also from England?

DALE:
It was his younger brother. In fact - you know what? Once when I got into an argument with that guy about how the group he was running was anarchistic in nature whether he had the stones to admit it or not, I mentioned - I just up and said it. I told him to his face that his brother was, for all intents and purposes, on my side. He was speaking ill of my personal politics, even though they basically reflected the life he was living, so I decided to make the point that long before I came to think this way myself, his brother had more or less preceded me in thought, just to try to get it through his head.

INVESTIGATOR:
And the younger brother didn't have anything to say about this?

DALE:
Oh, he was long passed by this point. I didn't discover anarchy until after he passed, remember?

INVESTIGATOR:
Aw, h***, I'm sorry, my bad.

DALE:
I understand, I've dumped a lot of information on you in a short time. And hey, I still feel kind of bad myself for… well, I do kind of regret bringing up the guy's dead brother as an argumentative point. But then again, the older brother thinks it's appropriate to - instead of telling me with his words that I crossed a line, like an adult - he decides to lay a hand on me. Shoves me a little on the shoulder. So I return the favor. Three seconds later we're having a scrap. Ten seconds after that, I've got the son of a b**** on the ground and I can see it in his eyes that he regrets ever picking a fight with me. Ten more seconds after that and the grizzly's got to break us up. That was probably the exact moment when he realized that I wasn't going to blindly follow his lead anymore - and when you get to know the guy like I did, you know that deep down he's secretly a real ego-case, and he's probably still holding it against me that I dare question his leadership.
(two seconds of silence)
You look like you're judging me for fighting back.

INVESTIGATOR:
I mean… a coyote versus a tiny little fox, it just doesn't seem like a fair fight.

DALE:
Well in my defense, I was quite literally punching up. This fox was a tall, lanky son of a gun. Got at least a head on me. And come to think of it, he's probably got more muscle than most foxes - course, not that that's saying much. His people are all skinnier than all get-out, and he was no exception. He ain't got nothing on a good old boy who's had to work with his hands to earn his keep.

INVESTIGATOR:
So… you're kind of admitting that it wasn't a fair fight?

DALE:
He had a major height and reach advantage that I'd say balanced it out. But it was still a foolish decision for him to challenge me like that. One of many foolish decisions he made.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, the way you tell the story, I'm inclined to agree… But it's interesting that you mention him being really tall, because… that perfectly matches the description of the suspect.

DALE:
I'm sure it does.

INVESTIGATOR:
And, uh… I'm getting mixed messages about whether this guy was the brains of the operation or if there was no clear leader because… you know, anarchist utopia and such.

DALE:
I mean, it was implied. It was always a de-facto sort of thing since the group was his brainchild, and he came up with... seventy-five, eighty percent of the ideas, so we all just sort of dignified that he was the one at the wheel by default, but he... none of us ever referred to him as having any sort of stature above us. But the thing about that is - come to think of it, this is another thing I didn't like about the guy - part of the reason everybody in the group liked him so much was exactly because he always talked like we were all equal team players, but over the years, you start getting these little hints that deep down he really does think he's better than us. Like… let's run with the sports metaphor a little more. It's clear that he was kind of the center of our group, but it wasn't like he thought he was the quarterback and we were his blockers and receivers - it was more like he thought he was the quarterback, and the coach, and the owner watching from the luxury boxes. By the time that I got the heck out of there, it was clear to me that he thought he was our franchise. He was Joe Montana and the players whose jerseys the fans were never going to wear.

INVESTIGATOR:
What about Jerry Rice?

DALE:
...I'm from the college football territory, man. I don't really care about the NFL. I completely forgot Jerry Rice even existed.

INVESTIGATOR:
Okay, fair enough. So this fox, he was… kind of subtly narcissistic?

DALE:
And how. And I get it - with large groups of people, you can't have everyone in charge of everything all the time or it'll be nothing but conflict after conflict. Too many cooks in the kitchen. And for a while I greatly appreciated that he was able to be our keystone without demanding we start exalting him on high - you know my politics, you know how I feel about hierarchies.

INVESTIGATOR:
Do I ever.

DALE:
But at a certain point, I started getting this feeling I couldn't shake that he was lying every time he swore that he regarded us each as indispensable members of the team, and at a certain point, I really would rather he had just told us he thought he was our cinch pin instead of lying about it. And I wasn't the only one who took issue with this - his brother was starting to have similar feelings before he passed, and… I feel so d***ed evil for thinking this, and I've already prayed for forgiveness for thinking these thoughts and I'm going to do it again… I kind of like to imagine that… if the younger brother really did kill himself… it was because being bombarded by the constant not-so-subtle hints that Robin thought he was on a higher level than all of us, the poor kid started to believe it, and he took his own life because he got it in his head that he could never be as good as his brother and he just didn't want to be stuck in a life like that. And like I said, I'm going to pray about this as soon as I'm out of here, but if it makes it make more sense, it's just… the weakest I ever saw that guy was after his brother passed. So it's just like… yeah, this is the price you pay for your hubris, Robin. You're responsible for your own misery, you stupid son of a b****. I don't want to get off on a power trip over the kid's suicide, I liked that kid and it killed me too when he left, but… d***, I just wish I could stick it to Robin for thinking he was better than me and not even having the decency to tell me so to my face.

INVESTIGATOR:
Hey, Dale, we're only mortals. We make mistakes, and we think thoughts that scare us to think them. Maybe you acted upon your foolish thought to steal squad cars, but at least you didn't act upon your thought to wish a kid dead just for petty revenge.

DALE:
You know what though? Maybe if he really did think that he was the only truly important member of the team, maybe he was right. I mean, after all, everyone else in the team is gone except for him and old Johnny. And you've got to wonder if it's just a matter of time before the light bulb goes off in Johnny's head that old Robin doesn't really think they're on the same level as people. And you can call me Alan, sir, though if you're talking to somebody else about me in the third person, some people know me as "The Rooster," like that song that I kept hearing on the radio about a decade ago. I forget the name of the band.

INVESTIGATOR:
Well, I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough to be on a first-name basis with me, but I don't think I'll be needing to call you very much at all. I think we're about done here. Unless you want to tell us even more, of course, we'll be happy to hear it.

DALE:
I… beg your pardon?

INVESTIGATOR:
Mr. Dale, you've given us more information than we could have ever asked for. You've confirmed their names, confirmed their species, confirmed the fox's physical details and national origin, you confirmed that the fox's brother - who the mayor and the police department is aware of but isn't interested in - is in fact deceased, uh, let's see…

DALE:
...Wait.

INVESTIGATOR:
You've warned us that if we ever incarcerate friends of theirs who haven't burned bridges with them, they might try to come here and bust them out, so thanks for the head's up, uh, you've let us know that we should probably focus more on the fox since he seems to be the guy at the helm of this ship, and, uh… hold on, I'm just reading through my notes.

DALE:
Oh, my God…

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh! And you've warned us that we ought to take special steps to protect the wealthy people in this part of the state since they're the main targets - I know this might just confirm your suspicion that cops only work to serve the interests of the rich, but in this case, you've given us a specific reason to do so, so I just wanted to clarify that this is a very extraneous circumstance.

DALE:
Oh, lordy…

INVESTIGATOR:
Now, it's probably still going to be a few days before we can officially start attaching names to these characters, because that's just how the process works, but this is definitely going to help speed up the system. I can't stress enough how much of a help you've been for us.

DALE:
Oh, no no no no no…

INVESTIGATOR:
But is there anything else about them you want to tell us? Like maybe the exact location of their hideout? Maybe the names of some other confidantes we can talk to, and where to find them?

DALE:
(quietly) Dear Lord, be merciful, for I have sinned. In my blind rage and my foolish desire for vengeance, I disobeyed your word-

(Dale is still heard speaking quietly in background but is unintelligible)

INVESTIGATOR:
Oh, he's praying again. Well, hey, we still made a pretty penny, now didn't we?

GUARD:
Man, I was just standing here thinking, "Why's this t**** suddenly playing Mr. Nice Guy?", before I realized.

INVESTIGATOR:
I really ought to win an Oscar for my performance. You said I was gonna get him riled up - I think I got him riled up alright.

GUARD:
Is it safe to wrap it up here?

INVESTIGATOR:
Yeah, he realized we got him good. It's gonna be a tough sell to trick him into telling us more immediately.

GUARD:
Should we let him finish praying first?

INVESTIGATOR:
I mean, if your personal religious views make you feel uncomfortable interrupting a man's prayers, then let him finish if you want - I don't care, but I'd rather not. I'm gonna head out and let the guy outside the door know he's good to come in whenever. Plus we don't know how long this guy's gonna take until he's done praying.

GUARD:
Oh, true that, good point. Don't tell my mama that I messed with a man's prayers or she'll whoop my ass.

INVESTIGATOR:
Is your mama a coppa?

GUARD:
Oh, h***, no.

INVESTIGATOR:
Then she will never hear this. Oh, and that's another thing, all his talking is probably f***ing with the recording.
(shuffling sounds)
(closer to microphone) Alright, so this concludes the interview between [REDACTED] and… what was your first name again?

DALE:
-And also forgive me Lord for my thoughts about Will and his-

GUARD:
A'ight, time for us to go.

(chair scraping against floor, falling over)

DALE:
Hey! Hey, unhand me, you brute!

GUARD:
Yeah, you would call me a brute, you racist-a** coyote.

(Dale heard screaming in background but is unintelligible)

INVESTIGATOR:
Okay, then. Well. Hold on, his name's somewhere on the paper here. Uh…

[REDACTED]

INVESTIGATOR:
So this was the interview with Alan Arthur Dale, Inmate #S-1881, conducted by [REDACTED] on June 15th, 2005, at the Nottingham County Correctional Institution in Blades on behalf of the Nottingham County Police Department. And this recording will be ending n-

END OF RECORDING