33. "Auxiliary Document 14"
The following was again provided to us by the NSA, who specifically waited until our editing team had finished the legal acquisition process for Document 2 and our bank had cleared the transaction before telling us that the two unidentified characters in that recording were also in other recordings they had on file; they alluded to keeping all conversations from burner cell phones (as the conversation participant in the Zootopia Metropolitan Area had been using) due to the high rate of such "untraceable" devices being used for crimes. Insisting on only providing such tapes one at a time, the NSA did give our editors a discounted price for this and all subsequent recordings involving these two characters, audibly laughing during our phone call and remarking that sharing these recordings with us must be no great risk considering the insignificance of this project. Our team acquired this recording on July 30, 2020.
Dated Friday, June 17, 2005, the two characters, calling from the same devices in Oregon and Delaware as before, again refer to each other chiefly as "Bro" and "Pipsqueak", avoiding real names; although they leave many hints about their true identities, the NSA has never been able to identify them (or perhaps, we suspect, has never felt compelled to attempt to), and although such hints are little from which to base a hypothesis, one can imagine that someone who knows these two individuals would recognize them fairly quickly.
(call begins)
"BRO": ...Little bro? That you?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yup. You guessed it. You remembered the phone number on your caller ID from last time and made an extremely simple deduction. I am so impressed.
"BRO": Well, hey, don't congratulate me too much, I'm not getting too many calls from 624 area codes anymore so recognizing the other seven digits wasn't that hard!
"PIPSQUEAK": You want a cookie for that?
"BRO": ...Jeez, kid, you called me and it already sounds like you don't wanna talk to me.
"PIPSQUEAK": Man, I ain't angry at you, Bro, I'm just… annoyed and wanted to talk to somebody who wasn't a complete retard.
"BRO": Well, I'm honored that I was on the top of the pile.
"PIPSQUEAK": You're on the top of the pile because everybody else fell off the fucking mountain.
"BRO": ...Oh.
"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)
"BRO": I was gonna say, I didn't expect to… hear back from you so soon, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, well I-
"BRO": Actually, you know what? The fact that you decided to call your old Bro a second time completely by your own volition means that you're finally ready to have an adult-to-adult relationship with your big brother. I'm proud of you, kid, and as a showing of respect, I'll stop calling you Pipsq-
"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.
"BRO": ...Whaddaya mean, 'nope'?
"PIPSQUEAK": The more I thought about it, the more I thought, eh, the better it is that we don't say our real names. I mean, ain't I right?
"BRO": ...Well, heck, Pipsqueak, do you plan to divulge some sensitive information?
"PIPSQUEAK": You know what? I just might. Probably not, but I want the option. And you definitely should wanna keep your name under wraps, Mister 'I-Can't-Sell-You-Confidence-But-I-Can-Sell-You-Coke'.
"BRO": ...Wait, I said that?
"PIPSQUEAK": Mmhmm. Funny the things you say when you're trying desperately to convince your little brother that you're a badass.
"BRO": ...Fuck.
"PIPSQUEAK": I get it, Bro. We talked a lot that day, we can't remember everything we said-
"BRO": Funny you should say that, because I think we might've already spilled the beans on ourselves, I know we were talking about Grampa Vik and we definitely said his name and where he was from, and I… think we said Mom's name too? At least her last name.
"PIPSQUEAK": Well luckily for us, nobody can spell Mom's weird Serbian-Croatian-Hungarian last name.
"BRO": Yeah, you're right, they never get the 'C-S' right. Thank God. And double thank God that she decided to be a strong independent woman who didn't need to take Dad's last name, or you and me'd already be dead to rights.
"PIPSQUEAK": Not that most people get our last name right on the first try, either.
"BRO": Ah, true that, true that. Silent letters are a pain, ain't they? So yes, astute observation, Pipsqueak, no more real names over the phone. Good call, buddy. Uh… did you want me to call you 'Pipsqueak'?
"PIPSQUEAK": Aw, I don't care, Bro. Call me Pipsqueak, call me Fuckface, call me Professor Poopy-Tits, call me King Dildo-
"BRO": Just don't call you late for dinner, eh?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bro, what the fuck are you talking about?
"BRO": Oh, I'm just goofin' on ya, it's a joke you'll get when you're older. Alright, 'Pipsqueak' it is. Although I did like 'Professor Poopy-Tits'-
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, just remember, if we ever talk in real life again, you ain't callin' me no Pipsqueak.
"BRO": Noted! So, what can I do ya for? What's up with ya? What's on your mind?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… well, a lot of shit. Um… fuck, where do I start?
"BRO": Just tell me what's on your mind as it crosses your mind, Pipsqueak. If you forget something, you can always call me back.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bro, aren't you the guy who brags about how you're always hustling? You sure you got time?
"BRO": I'm between the lunch rush and the after-work crowd right now. Remember, Pipsqueak, you're three hours ahead of me.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but you said I could always call you back, and- dude, I'm calling you from a payphone. If you don't answer, I'm out a couple quarters and you have no way of calling me back.
"BRO": And that's why you should invest in your own cheapie cell phone if you can, and until you can, always call me collect. Don't worry, I'm broke but I'm not impoverished, I'll always accept a collect call from you, Pipsqueak. I can pay for it.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...So about that. Did you buy me all that shit for my room just to one-up Mom and Dad?
"BRO": ...I beg your pardon?
"PIPSQUEAK": When you fucked Tammy Knightley and she did a lot more than squirt, and we swapped rooms, and you paid for all my new shit, did you do that as a big Fuck You to Mom and Dad?
"BRO": ...Well, would ya look at that. Baby Brother's growing up and starting to realize subtext that was right in front of him all these years.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah… yeah, I guess I am… well… I guess this is a good time to mention. Don't take this the wrong way, Bro, but… thanks for making me realize that I don't wanna be… exactly like you anymore.
"BRO": Hey, no skin off my bones. I still think we'd do good in business together, but if you don't wanna, it's better for me to have you off the field entirely instead of competing with you.
"PIPSQUEAK": Well, shit, that's the thing, the whole… business thing… Hey, look, don't get me wrong, I'd still love to be loaded. Goddamn would I love to be loaded. But being rich… isn't my top priority anymore.
"BRO": And that's okay. You're growing up, Pipsqueak. Dreams change. This is a good thing.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but… now, what I really want… what I really, REALLY want… I just wanna be admired, Bro. Like how I admired you.
"BRO": I see.
"PIPSQUEAK": So imagine how much it fucks me up to realize that as much as I admired you for… y'know, being the only person in the family who bought me things besides clothes for Christmas… you didn't do it because you gave a rat's ass about me, didja? Or at least you only cared about me as much as I saw you as a fuckin' god compared to Mom and Dad so you could rub it in their faces. I mean, am I wrong? Was that or was that not what you were doing?
"BRO": No… no, you're right. That's almost exactly what I was doing. Only difference is… nah, screw it, you got it to a T.
"PIPSQUEAK": Thought so.
"BRO": But hey! I was just a stupid kid back then, too. In my mind, Mom and Dad were these crotchety old pillars of authority who refused to give me the due respect I thought I'd earned, and you were just a little kid who was always going to be eight-and-a-half years younger than me and I never thought I'd be able to relate to you on a personal level. Now, I admit I was being an asshole, but I still maintain that Mom and Dad were being assholes about how much of an asshole I was being. If they really were mature adults and good parents, they would have handled me better than they did - by the way, do they still have the door to my room wallpapered over?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yup.
"BRO": Figures. But yeah, fuck Mom and Dad, but you? I never thought one day I would want a real relationship with you. Literally never crossed my mind-
"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus, dude, we're brothers, not a couple.
"BRO": Hey, Pipsqueak, not all relationships are romantic. Another thing you'll learn soon, assuming you didn't learn it just now as I said it. But yeah, I just saw you as a face in a crowd of one, looking up at me in awe of how great and powerful I was. Just a living ego-stroker. But I was younger then; I'm older than that now. And I'm glad to have you in my life again as someone I can talk to man-to-man… more or less.
"PIPSQUEAK": And I believe what you're saying, but like I said, I don't know how to feel about how you were doing good things for shitty reasons. That's what I meant by 'I don't want to be exactly like you': you still did good things, Bro, and that's more than a lot of people do, but then I realize why you were doing those good things… and, y'know, it kinda leaves a shitty taste in my mouth.
"BRO": Totally fair, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": So I'm willing to do good things to get the admiration I want, just like you got from me, but I'm not gonna make it so glaringly fucking obvious that I'm just doing it for myself.
"BRO": Uh… Pipsqueak, it… kinda sounds to me like you're still gonna do good things for selfish reasons, you just don't wanna get caught.
"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, totally. That's literally all I said. And I'm like ninety percent sure that we came to that same conclusion last time. Jesus, Bro, are you deaf or just stupid?
"BRO": ...C'mon, Pipsqueak-
"PIPSQUEAK": Okay, fine, maybe in that way I still wanna be a lot like you, but I don't wanna be like you in other ways. I don't wanna be the guy who gives a nine-year-old spiked lemonade because he thinks it's funny, I don't wanna be the guy who almost twists a three-year-old's ankle until it breaks and doesn't even realize it because he's bored, I-I don't wanna be the guy who leaves a six-year-old all alone while you hole yourself up in your room and jerk off to Space Jam-
"BRO": Pipsqueak, whenever you're ready to not bring that up anymore, I'll be ready for that moment-
"PIPSQUEAK": You wanted to cum on her tits and slam because she could make you jam.
"BRO": …'Jam'?
"PIPSQUEAK": Ejaculate, fucknut. Kinda repetitive with 'come' already at the front, but you gotta admit, I made the pun work.
"BRO": Jesus, using 'jam' to mean 'jizz', that's a new one- wait, is that what Pearl Jam is!?
"PIPSQUEAK": Huh?
"BRO": The band Pearl Jam, I just realized their name is a semen joke. Holy shit, my world is shaken…
"PIPSQUEAK": Who the fuck is Pearl Jam?
"BRO": Hm? Oh, you've probably heard their music before and haven't realized it. Listen to the alternative station for, like, two hours. I guarantee they'll play something by them.
"PIPSQUEAK": Hm, neat. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. So yeah, thanks for the inspiration to go out and do what I needed to do, but… so far, it ain't working.
"BRO": How do you mean?
"PIPSQUEAK": So… without saying too much… I was gonna accept an invitation to, uh… hang out with some new guys who I thought wanted to do the things I think I need to do… but now they're all like, 'Uh, are you SURE you wanna join us?'
"BRO": What the fuck? Sounds like they wanna rescind their offer but don't have the balls to just tell you.
"PIPSQUEAK": That's exactly what I'm thinking! And I just wasted a couple hours of my life talking to them in circles and accomplishing abso-fucking-lutely nothing, plus the time it took to walk to the woods and back-
"BRO": The woods? What, are these the weird guys who hang out in Sherwood? This ain't a cult or something, is it, Pipsqueak?
"PIPSQUEAK": Hell, it better not be.
"BRO": Good, I care too much for my baby brother to let him get caught up in something like that.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, so I'm just pissed that I got my time wasted. Plus I can already hear Mom bitching at me for tracking mud on my shoes or something…
"BRO": (silence)
"PIPSQUEAK": What, no witty remark?
"BRO": You just got me thinking about how weird the concept of shoes has become to me.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...What?
"BRO": Pipsqueak, this is a weird town. There's a growing number of people here who just straight up don't wear shoes.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...What the fuck?
"BRO": I know! And you know why it is? It's because this weird-ass city is so obsessed with being progressive and educated that they take that to their logical conclusion and think, 'Well, if nature wanted us to wear shoes, why would we all already have feet that were perfectly suited for walking?'
"PIPSQUEAK": ...I repeat… what the fuck?
"BRO": I know, it's weird! And man, I lived in Portland for a few weeks, I thought that town was a bad stereotype of progressive living, but here they're literally saying 'We wouldn't have foot pads and hooves and shit if we were all supposed to be wearing Sketchers.' Like, I've lived here for, like, what, a year now? I've already seen the number of people walking around without shoes go up. Even blue-collar meatheads who would usually write something like this off as hippie shit - correctly - they're getting in on it, too. Even city employees just walk around barefoot. I could see it happening that within, like, a decade, nobody around here's gonna be wearing shoes anymore, except maybe out-of-town visitors, and all the people in this town who started this trend are gonna hope we're some kind of city-on-the-hill for the rest of the world to admire and then they'll all wanna walk barefoot side-by-side with all other species just like they do here.
"PIPSQUEAK": So, what, if you step in pigeon shit, you're just supposed to make peace with it being on your actual foot?
"BRO": I mean… on the one hand, to make unemployment as low as possible, this city hires a lot of people to keep the streets spick and span. I mock this town, but it's cleaner than any other I've ever seen. So for you to wind up with bird crap on your foot, a bird's gotta basically do it right in front of you - or on you, in which case you're liable to have it wind up on any other exposed part of your body.
"PIPSQUEAK": Hm.
"BRO": That said… you just made me realize another thing, there really aren't that many birds flapping around in this town. It's… kinda spooky now that I think about it, actually.
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… okay. Well, what about stepping on bugs?
"BRO": ...Holy shit, are there even any bugs in this town?
"PIPSQUEAK": You're fucking with me, right?
"BRO": I'm not fucking with you, Pipsqueak. I mean, to be fair, if you're wearing shoes, you probably step on a dozen ants and stuff a day and don't even realize it, so maybe I've stepped on a bunch today and haven't noticed anyway. But this… heck, you're posing some good questions, kid. Though if I had to guess, I'd say they corralled most of the insects in this town to use as a food source. That's another thing they're big on, creating a sustainable source of protein for us obligate carnivores.
"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus, Bro, that's disgusting.
"BRO": Well, hey, Pipsqueak, you'd better get used to the idea, bug-burgers are taking off in popularity. Heck, they may have already slipped some into your Big Mac and you might not have even noticed!
"PIPSQUEAK": (groaning in revulsion)
"BRO": Hey, in their defense, they're trying to reinvent the entire concepts of beef and pork and stuff that… a lot of people think is a remnant of things we shouldn't be holding on to as a society. I mean… you know where things like hamburgers come from, right?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, they process the shit outta some soybeans or something and add flavors to make it taste more… what, meaty? Is that the word? C'mon, Bro, I'm not an idiot!
"BRO": Okay, y'know what, I phrased that poorly, that one's on me. So… that is where hamburgers come from now, but… do you know where beef products came from before then?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Before?
"BRO": Jesus, how much did they cut out of the curriculum!? They don't teach you kids geography, they don't teach you how to find a job, and they apparently don't teach you really, really important history lessons either!
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey Bro, I'm flattered that I strike you as older than I am, but remember, I ain't even started high school yet.
"BRO": Okay, sure, fair enough, but from what I remember, the stuff they teach you in high school is just what they teach you in junior high, but, like… with extra details. Okay, so… ready for a history lesson?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...I guess.
"BRO": Alright. Scene: you're a bovine. A bull, a cow, whatever. You're an enormous creature. Okay, now you and your bovine family live in the Old World, a long time ago, out in the country, on a farm. You and your family of enormous mammals require more than other people need to survive: more materials for clothes, stronger materials for furniture, and when the grass won't grow fast enough… more food. You've got the subsistence farming thing pretty down-pat but that's not always enough, and since you live out in the boonies and the Old World didn't have the best job market, getting a gig in town isn't always an option. Okay, now a member of your family dies, and now you have a gigantic, meaty corpse on your hands-
"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, do NOT tell me that's where you're going with this story! Bro, that is fucked up.
"BRO": Oh, where do you think I'm going with this story?
"PIPSQUEAK": You're gonna tell me that cows used to fucking eat each other!
"BRO": Oh, Pipsqueak, no, they didn't eat each other!
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Then where were you going with this?
"BRO": They sold their dead to other species to eat. Predator species, specifically.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Eeewww!
"BRO": Desperate times, desperate measures, Pipsqueak. Sold the carcasses on the condition that the remains could get a good Christian burial, or whatever the local religion was, and spent the profits on essentials. Other species did it, too. Pigs did it a lot, sometimes sheep had to-
"PIPSQUEAK": And somewhere along the line, our ancestors probably ate the ancestors of somebody down the street?
"BRO": Oh, Pipsqueak, there's a decent chance that our ancestors got eaten!
"PIPSQUEAK": WHAT!?
"BRO": Especially on Dad's side, because part of the reason why the practice fell out of favor was when the Irish Potato Famine rolled around, and since everyone was starving, other species got to selling their family off - sometimes to buy the hyperinflated scant food that was still available, or to buy a ticket to America, but other times, screw it, there is no food still available and all the ships out of here are booked solid, money can't fix that, so since we don't wanna eat our cousin and you don't wanna eat yours, we'll trade ya - the toughest of tough decisions, but better that those still living can stay alive.
"PIPSQUEAK": This is disgusting.
"BRO": History is often disgusting, Pipsqueak. But yeah, during the Potato Famine, a lot of other species got in on it: deer, rabbits… and us. Bigger predators didn't because… hey, there weren't many higher predators on the food chain, so they'd be eating each other, and screw that. But we weren't too proud, but we were too desperate, and that's why people who know their history know why we say we're one of the few species who've been both predator and prey!
"PIPSQUEAK": ...This is the closest in my life I've ever come to seriously considering going vegetarian.
"BRO": Which I'm already trying to do, but depending on how much your DNA resembles that of our primitive ancestors, you might not be biologically capable of surviving without meat, Pipsqueak. Oh! And to wrap up the story, the world saw people in Ireland eating each other and thought, "Wait, it's not just cows and pigs they're eating… tick, tock, tick, tock… OH, SHIT, WE'VE BEEN EATING PEOPLE THIS WHOLE TIME!" Of course, by then, cultures across the world were used to their carnivores eating beef and pork and stuff, so we all tried our hand at recreating the flavor without the flesh, and a century and a half later, we've got our tofu burgers pretty well figured out. And everyone lived happily ever after, the end!
"PIPSQUEAK": But wait, didn't Dad's side of the family leave Ireland when the famine happened? So… they would've been safe, right!?
"BRO": Pipsqueak, do you think they just woke up one day to a newspaper on their doorstep saying "Hey, The Famine Starts Today" and then they got on the next boat to Ellis Island? They probably didn't have the luxury of getting out of there as soon as they wanted to. Plus, remember, lineage isn't… a line, it's like a tree with branches, and some branches probably got out before others.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Shit, so somebody probably ate one of our ancestors, didn't they?
"BRO": Honestly, I wouldn't assume it was just one. That period of history was a tragic shitshow. But now you know why it's considered more impolite than usual for a predator to make jokes to a prey species about eating them if they're a cow or a pig or something, or any prey whose last name starts with an O-apostrophe.
"PIPSQUEAK": Or a fox with a last name like that.
"BRO": Or a fox with a last name like that, that's right. You're such a quick little learner, Pipsqueak!
"PIPSQUEAK": Hrm. Thanks.
"BRO": ...Okay, what the hell were we talking about?
"PIPSQUEAK": I took a risk and decided to hit up some guys on an offer to do things that would make us heroes, now they're pussing out on me.
"BRO": What, so they're just calling off their heroic-ness?
"PIPSQUEAK": Nah, they're still doing it without me. Unless they quit, I doubt it though. So tell me, O wise one, what advice did you want to impart on me this time? Even if your advice is just proving yourself to be even more of a loser than I thought and then inspiring me to do the opposite of what I think you would do, that worked pretty well last time.
"BRO": So they're off to the races doing cool things you want in on, but they're not letting you in after they already invited you. Do you have any idea why they might've changed their mind?
"PIPSQUEAK": Not a clue.
"BRO": Well… the way I see it, you've got two options.
"PIPSQUEAK": Only two?
"BRO": 'Only two'? Heck, I would've expected you to think there was only one! Good on you for demanding more, Pipsqueak. But yeah, off the top of my head, you got… two sorta… broad avenues to walk.
"PIPSQUEAK": I'm listening.
"BRO": You can either say fuck'em and do yourself whatever you were planning on doing with them-
"PIPSQUEAK": It's not really a one-man job, Bro, or I would.
"BRO": Well, hey, maybe you just need to reimagine how they're doing it to make it a one-man job! But you also have the option of… well, convincing them to change their mind about you. Prove yourself to them. Of course, I don't know these guys like you know these guys - they're guys, right? Maybe I shouldn't be assuming that.
"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, yeah. The joke's already been made that some people think they're a sausage party.
"BRO": Got it. But as I was saying, I don't know if these guys are cool and just have some hesitance to let you in or if they're actually assholes who you really shouldn't want to hang around, so you'd know better than I would if trying to win them over is even a good idea.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, yeah, I get what you're saying… They don't actually seem like bad guys, they just seem like they're being pussies about letting me in.
"BRO": Good. Because if these guys wanted to hurt my little bro, I can't be there to kick their asses for you.
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… Bro, remember how we talked last time about how - for example - you and Dad are taller than the average fox but at the end of the day our whole species is still a bunch of midgets? Yeah, you ain't taking these guys.
"BRO": Ah, au contraire, Pipsqueak! Us little guys actually get forced into an advantage when we're taking on bigger guys, because while they come to rely on brute size and strength, we have to fight smarter. Did Dad ever teach you how to-?
"PIPSQUEAK": Okay, but have you ever personally taken out a grizzly bear?
"BRO": ...One of them's a grizzly bear?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yup.
"BRO": And it ain't your current bear buddy?
"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.
"BRO": Hm, I was wondering who'd let a sneaky little teenage fox join their little club. I figured there had to be either a bear or another fox in the mix to trust you. But no, I can't honestly say I've ever knocked out a grizzly bear. Ya got me there.
"PIPSQUEAK": For the record, Bro, the other guy's also a fox.
"BRO": 'The other guy'? Wait, it's just the two people? You call that a sausage fest?
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, there used to be more of them, and now they're the only two left and they're looking to get their numbers back. That's where I thought I came in.
"BRO": Alright, alright… wait, now you got me wondering, you said I wouldn't stand a chance against these guys, but one of them's just another fox? C'mon, Pipsqueak, you really think I couldn't hold my own against another one of our people? Or is this dude jacked or something?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… remember how I also told you I met a fox who was five feet tall?
"BRO": ...Yeah?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, same guy.
"BRO": ...Kiss my ass, there is no way there's a five-foot fox running around who doesn't have his own mammalian-interest special on the Discovery Channel or TLC - not that I have a TV right now, let alone cable, but I think I would've heard of this guy somewhere.
"PIPSQUEAK": Funny you should say that, because I think the guy wanted to be an actor or something? So he's probably just as annoyed as you are that you've never heard of him.
"BRO": Well I don't know how many roles there are in Hollywood or Broadway for a five-foot fox.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, I think that's why his career never went anywhere.
"BRO": Shit, now I kind of hope this guy doesn't exist because his life would sound depressing if he did… Wait, are these adults asking you to hang out with them? Should I be worried?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Can we please stop going on these long-ass fucking tangents?
"BRO": Hey, Pipsqueak, I walked in this direction and you went with me.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but can we cut it out now?
"BRO": But going on tangents is the most fun part of having a conversation! Wouldn't you agree?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...I'm paying a premium for this conversation, remember?
"BRO": Yeah, so am I. I only got so many minutes on this phone plan, remember?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...So if beating them at their own game isn't an option, how can I prove myself to them?
"BRO": Well… you can demonstrate that you're capable of doing whatever they wanted you to do.
"PIPSQUEAK": That basically sounds like doing it by myself anyway. Except now they're watching me do it.
"BRO": Well, there you go! Figure out a way to do what they'd need you to do by yourself, then show them proof that you're capable!
"PIPSQUEAK": You're so helpful.
"BRO": Ain't I though?
"PIPSQUEAK": This might have to be another thing where I just get angry at you until I magically have the idea to do something different.
"BRO": And I'm glad to be the impetus for your inspiration. Anything else I can help you with?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… I mean, that was kind of it.
"BRO": Alright, fair enough. By the way, uh… I-I know you might not necessarily know the answer to this, but… does Dad want me to bother calling him on Father's Day?
"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)
"BRO": ...Because I tried calling Mom on Mother's Day last month and she didn't answer, but then she called me back like a week later-
"PIPSQUEAK": GodDAMMIT!
"BRO": What?
"PIPSQUEAK": There! There's another question! What the fuck should I get Dad for Father's Day? I keep forgetting and I… I just don't care to be yelled at again, y'know?
"BRO": Aw, Pipsqueak the Procrastinator.
"PIPSQUEAK": I wasn't fucking procrastinating, I just forgot because I don't care!
"BRO": Which is understandable, it's a holiday you get nothing out of, why should you care?
"PIPSQUEAK": So what should I get him? I gotta get whatever it is today because he's gonna be working on Sunday.
"BRO": You wanna just play it safe and get him a mug that says "#1 Dad" or something generic like that?
"PIPSQUEAK": Didn't he always tell us lying is bad, though?
"BRO": Eh, it was more like he told us lying to him and Mom was bad, but he sort of implied that lying was okay if it was part of us doing what our people do best and hustling.
"PIPSQUEAK": I fucking hate that word.
"BRO": Well for a kid who loves '70s aesthetics so much, you sure don't like the name of that decade's way of dancing. But okay, if Dad wants honesty in his gifts… how about a mug that says "My Older Son Is A Piece of Shit But My Younger Son Is Okay Sometimes I Guess"?
"PIPSQUEAK": Where do they sell those, Hallmark?
"BRO": Well Pipsqueak, that begs the question, why does this even have to be something you buy? Why don't you just… just, uh- (chuckling) ...just write him a poem or something?
"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, God, I'd rather blow my brains out.
"BRO": (chuckling) Jus-just like, uh- just like that old Warner Brothers short with The Three Bears! Y-y'know the one, the, uh… (chuckling) the shorts where they cast the midget as the dad and the gigantic adult as the baby, and the mom was implied to be a disassociated alcoholic? Um- (chuckling)
"PIPSQUEAK": C'mon, Bro, it's not that funny.
"BRO": Yeah, but… (chuckling) N-now I'm just- just imagining like, you're giving the same monologue as the Baby Bear, and Dad's thinking to himself "where have I heard this before?", and then you and Mom grab him and powder and force him to dress up as the Statue of Liberty while you… while you fucking exalt him like a saint… and then it clicks with him… (chuckling) Ho-honestly… what seems so funny isn't the idea of you doing it in and of itself, it's the idea that everyone involved just sort of knows what you're referencing and you're all going through with it anyway, like one big what-the-fuck moment-
"PIPSQUEAK": This is really how you wanna spend your prepaid minutes?
"BRO": (chuckling trails off) Ah… no, you're right though, the only art Dad would ever appreciate is the art of the steal.
"PIPSQUEAK": Hm… I'll remember that.
"BRO": Actually… wait. Hell, there's an idea! Draw up a business plan, and then give Dad the reins so he can make some money! After all those years of busting his ass and still being poor, he and Mom don't love much more than the chance to make some money! Just, y'know, make sure Mom doesn't feel slighted that you're giving the man a business-related gift while you give the woman… what did you get Mom for Mother's Day?
"PIPSQUEAK": A Nickelback album.
"BRO": ...You're fucking with me, right?
"PIPSQUEAK": I'm not fucking with you, she asked me for one of their old CDs, so I bought her one of their old CDs. She dead-serious loves them when she hears them on the radio and apparently they're releasing a new album this year and she's excited and wants to start collecting their CDs to add to her music collection. Right next to Genesis and Led Zeppelin.
"BRO": ...Oh my fucking God.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yup.
"BRO": Y'know, I know a gal here who works in an F.Y.E. store, and apparently she distinctly remembers- do you know offhand what day that band's breakout album was released? Like, officially?
"PIPSQUEAK": Why would I know that?
"BRO": September 11th, 2001.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Bullshit.
"BRO": It happened on a Tuesday, Pipsqueak! Records get released on Tuesdays for some reason! But with that information, I can safely say that that was a bad omen and we all should have been warned that Nickelback was not going to be a force for good in this world. Now, they're Canadian, Mom's Canadian, maybe it's a Canadian thing, I'll give her a pass, but may God have mercy on the rest of our souls for not getting the hint.
"PIPSQUEAK": You seem to have everybody convinced that you're a smooth, slick son of a bitch, but would they still think that way about you if they found out you were making 9/11 jokes?
"BRO": Well, they wouldn't think that way of me either if they heard me swearing up a storm, which you got me back in the habit of doing! Thanks for that, Pipsqueak. Ya little fucking asshole, you. Don't tell Dad, he'd be even more disappointed in me than he is now.
"PIPSQUEAK": My lips are sealed.
"BRO": Of course, that guy swears up a storm in private and magically turns it off when he's trying to be Terry Classy… that's a skill I gotta hone.
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey though, speaking of Dad and business, what the hell kind of "business plan" could I come up with for him?
"BRO": Man, I dunno, Pipsqueak, I can't hold your hand through this entire process and do everything for you! C'mon, don't you and your little buddies like to come up with schemes to sell stuff all the time? Just think up something like that, but… for adults.
"PIPSQUEAK": I already tried that, it didn't work.
"BRO": Why, what did you do?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… camera-... phones.
"BRO": ...You made camera-phones? From scratch?
"PIPSQUEAK": Don't remind me-
"BRO": Well hot damn, Pipsqueak, that's pretty enterprising of you, dontcha think?
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey. Bro. I appreciate you trying. But it was an embarrassing failure and I- I don't wanna think about it.
"BRO": Hey. Kid. Stop beating yourself up over it. You failed, so what? You didn't kill anybody, did you?
"PIPSQUEAK": I don't think so.
"BRO": ...Alright, I'll mark that down as a no then. But you still… you still did something. Lots and lots and lots of people in this world don't do anything. You did something, okay, you failed, so what? Learn from it. Did you learn from it?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… kinda, but… not- not what you'd probably want me to learn.
"BRO": What would I want you to learn?
"PIPSQUEAK": Um… how to do…. how to do business better?
"BRO": ...What did you learn instead?
"PIPSQUEAK": That maybe I'm not the business type and that I'd rather go join those motherfuckers in the- in the club they started and do their thing to go get recognition that way. That's what I meant earlier when I said that I didn't wanna be exactly like you anymore.
"BRO": Well, you know what? I'm proud of you for learning something anyway, and I'm doubly proud that you're deciding to be your own person. Yeah, sure, don't try to be another me - be you. And maybe following these people - who I don't know much about but I vaguely understand them to be strange adults and that worries me but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and trust your judgment - maybe following these guys still won't lead you to finding yourself, but you'll still be closer to figuring it out, as long as you keep doing things.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...It sounds like you're trying really, really hard to be deep.
"BRO": I'm just speaking from experience, Pipsqueak. I'm still trying to figure out my own life, and I… think I'm getting closer by sticking around in this town I fucking hate.
"PIPSQUEAK": Well if you hate it, then why are you staying there?
"BRO": Because for some fucking reason, I'm having more success here than I've had anywhere else! Not to mention, I've already devoted so much mental energy into this place; I have a growing number of people in my circle convinced that I've lived here my whole life. I already have one specific address memorized, an apartment in Happytown where I tell them my mom still lives, and in this fictional timeline I still have a good relationship with my mom-
"PIPSQUEAK": Wait, wait, hold up… "Happytown"?
"BRO": It's on the far side of town across the bay, far enough away that nobody'd-
"PIPSQUEAK": "Happytown".
"BRO": ...Yes.
"PIPSQUEAK": Do you live in a fucking Sidney movie?
"BRO": I mean, the official districts of town are named after the geographical feature they're trying to recreate, but the sub-neighborhoods have different names, and from what I gather, I think they called it Happytown because it's a nice happy part of town with pretty neutral geography so any species could live there, but in practice it's a catch-all neighborhood for people who can't afford to live in a place more suited to their biology. Actually… kind of a sketchy area. The name is a great exercise in irony.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Do you live in a fucking educational children's cartoon?
"BRO": Hell, I might. And the lesson I learn in every episode is that this crazy world will keep finding new and better ways to discriminate against people. Like… Pipsqueak, do yourself a favor: never come here.
"PIPSQUEAK": Wait, why?
"BRO": So… I thought I caught flak for being a fox back in Delaware. Hoo boy, nonononono, not even close. That was tame compared to this town. Like… back East, some anti-predator shit might come up every so often, some shitbag kids in Nottingham might try to muzzle me, some bunny bitch in the checkout line in Boston might loudly defend her decision to my face to carry Fox Repellent in her purse, some squirrel in Chicago might point me out to her kid and say "if you misbehave, that fox is gonna eat you," but here in Z-town, it's… it's less dramatic, but it's constant. Usually less dramatic. Kinda like how I know some people from African species who say that the bigotry in the North and West is a lot more in-your-face when it does happen but thankfully doesn't happen all the time, whereas in the Old South, it's a constant undercurrent of bigotry but it's usually more… subtle. Usually. Someone might call them the T-word out loud in Buffalo but they'd probably get that "Oh, bless your heart, cheetah" kind of shit in Birmingham. But in a place like this, they might just say this is the place in America that treats them the- least bad, because the prejudice in this town is much more centered on predator-prey relations than anything else. Once in a while someone might say to me, "Fuck you, fox!" or something like that, but the real epidemic is the constant… constant side-eye I get. This city hates foxes, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Well, shit, I guess so. Fuck'em, they don't deserve us.
"BRO": Damn straight.
"PIPSQUEAK": But… why do they hate us so much over there? Like… I still get shit from time to time over here, and it pisses me off, but you've been all over… you really think it's worse over there?
"BRO": Oh, hands-down. But I've got a theory about it… are you cool with another tangent?
"PIPSQUEAK": Honestly, you got me curious, and I feel like I oughta know this if I ever wind up there.
"BRO": Alright, so… remember how I said that this town is kinda hippie-ish with the whole "nature doesn't want us wearing shoes" thing?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah?
"BRO": So… I think it's kind of like that. Now- I feel like such a fucking redneck saying "oh, the progressives are the real racists!", but in this case… they kind of are? Because remember, Pipsqueak, this town was founded half a century ago by civil-rights activists, so the first people who settled here went out of their way to not let the European mammals have an institutional advantage over African and Latin and Native and Asian mammals; by this point, there've already been a generation or two of people born and raised here with those values, so some say that this is seriously the least-racist city in America in terms of the ethnicity thing - yeah, suck our dicks, Portland. But the thing is, the people in this town know about the damages of… what's the word they like to use, colonialism? They know about how long-lasting the effects of that were because they know their history. And in knowing their history, they don't just know that slavery was wrong and stuff like that; they also know their history from before that, from long before we had the wherewithal to enslave each other. You with me so far, Pipsqueak?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yessir.
"BRO": Cool. So… this is a very well-educated city. A lot of people here have college degrees, and if you have a college degree then you probably have a pretty decent knowledge of basically every subject - including biology and natural history. People here are acutely aware of the fact that, yes, some species - like ours - used to kill and eat other species… like, without consent, we're not talking about one civilized person buying another civilized person's family member's corpse to ensure mutual survival during a maybe-genocidal-maybe-not famine, we're talking about the way that we are - on a primitive, animalistic level - supposed to kill. And knowing that there are people walking around who have things in their DNA that programs them to kill doesn't sit too well with a lot of prey people around here. Doesn't matter if your ancestors preferred eating birds or fish instead of mammals, if its body ran blood, you'd better not be the descendent of the one who was born to make it bleed. And- I-I'm thinking about how all those rednecks who think that trying to lift up the non-European species means that the European species are gonna start suffering instead as punishment, and with a clear mind I know that's horseshit, but living in this town… I get it. Because here in Zootopia, they recognized that there was an imbalance of power in recent history between European and non-European species, so their solution was to try to balance the playing field - okay, fair enough, but when they recognized that in ancient history, predators were quite literally higher on the food chain than prey, the people here had no interest in levelling the playing field, they just wanted to turn the tables entirely against the people who were biologically programmed to be the oppressors. And nevermind that that power dynamic had already flipped centuries ago! Because the people in this town believe that being born a zebra isn't a sin… but being born a hyena is. Because science tells them so.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Jesus Christ.
"BRO": And I'm seriously afraid that if anybody ever takes any of this out of context, they could paint me as some kind of Republican bitching about how science is evil and the overeducated liberal elites want a worse world for everybody, but… Y'know what? This makes me wonder. How would Martin Luther King feel about this town? In the state of Oregon, a state whose original constitution literally, actually stated that descendents of slaves weren't allowed to own property - that's real, look it up, Pipsqueak - in a state with such a racist origin, there would be a city built with the specific mission to honor his specific vision for a future without prejudice, and they do it half right, and they wind up with a city where African gazelles and European deer and Asian elephants and Latin American llamas could Native American raccoons could all hold hands and join as equals in their hatred and distrust of European foxes and Native American coyotes and Asian tigers and Latin American jaguars and African lions just like him. The easy answer is to say he'd be pissed, but I honestly think he'd be too busy being confused to be angry. Shakespeare couldn't write better irony.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Well, shit, don't worry, Bro, I won't tell anybody you're a secret Republican who thinks progress is evil and science is the devil.
"BRO": Gee, thanks, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… question, though?
"BRO": Shoot, sweetie.
"PIPSQUEAK": Do I… do I remember hearing in the news that you guys elected a mayor who's a distant cousin to the last two mayors we've had?
"BRO": Uh…
"PIPSQUEAK": I-I mean… no-not that I watch the news, heh, but, uh… just-just sometimes you overhear stuff, y'know?
"BRO": ...I was going to skip this part because I knew it would set you off, but… there's, uh… there's also kind of some size discrimination in this town?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Goddammit!
"BRO": Hey, I'm stuck here on the short end of the measuring stick with you, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": And of course I get to be a midget in a midget species!
"BRO": And I don't have any elaborate poetic theory about this one, I think it's just the same old way that our collective society finds height impressive. So the worst thing you could be in this town is a small predator - like, oh, I dunno, a fox - while the best thing you could be is a big prey mammal.
"PIPSQUEAK": Goddammit, why couldn't I have been born a deer or something?
"BRO": And the fact that you have it in your head that deer are the "default" species and your own people are an "other" is something that a lot of people would find indicative of society being fucked. But yeah, Mayor's a lion, first predator mayor this town's had in its short history, from what I understand. Did it help that the guy's something like seven feet tall? Probably. And did it help that shortly before the election he released DNA ancestry test results showing he totally was a distant cousin of the Congressman from Delaware, proving that his ancestry was from Europe and not Africa? Probably also, many would say. Gotta make you wonder if the Norman brothers would have had a tougher time getting elected back in the Mid-Atlantic if they didn't have British accents to tip everybody off.
"PIPSQUEAK": Wait, don't those guys have some way of telling who's from where?
"BRO": I think I heard something like that where they can tell among themselves, subtle differences. Like the hyena family on our street, I think hyenas from the Motherland would have some way of telling that that family's ancestors were one of the many who wandered out of the Motherland in ancient times and parked up in Europe since time immemorial. I don't know if these are physical differences, or just subtle hints in the way they carry themselves, like cultural differences I mean, but I definitely can't tell myself. Not usually, at least.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Huh. Okay. Wait, does this mean we should be able to tell Native foxes from European ones?
"BRO": I'd actually say no because most of our people in North America are pretty well mixed at this point. Everyone hated foxes more than European and Native foxes hated each other, so we hooked up and started doin' it. We definitely have Native in us from Dad's side, but that's a good question, I wonder if other foxes can tell we look different since our mom's a recent immigrant and they're just not telling us. But, uh, yeah. Maybe I do live in a kid's cartoon with a beat-you-over-the-head lesson, and the lesson for me is that no matter how much our society advances and no matter how much we learn about each other, we'll keep finding new and better ways to discriminate against one another and new and better ways to try to morally justify it. That's what I learned on today's episode of Happytown. Coming up next on PBS, it's a very special episode of Sesame Street about Elmo coping with the fact that his mom's new boyfriend is Oscar the Grouch, where Elmo goes to the Red Light District on Poppy Street to try to find his dad and convince him to stop eating Fun Dip dust with his nose and reconcile with his mommy.
"PIPSQUEAK": Hey, speaking of mommies and daddies, did we ever figure out what I should get Dad for tomorrow? I know you said come up with a business plan for him, but… what?
"BRO": Jesus, kid, I dunno, you shoulda thought about this earlier.
"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, fuck you, I already explained why I didn't.
"BRO": Yeah, yeah… man, just get him a gift card or something.
"PIPSQUEAK": To?
"BRO": I dunno, The Home Depot? That's pretty Father's-Day-y.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Shit, now I'm still hung up on the idea that there's a major city in this country I just can't go to.
"BRO": I mean, you can totally come here, you just have to brace yourself for stupid people and know how to not give a shit what people think.
"PIPSQUEAK": Which you're such an expert at.
"BRO": Most of the time! And when I slip up, I'm still good at hiding it. Like I always said, never let them see that they-
"PIPSQUEAK": Never let them see that they murdered your spirit and made your inner child cry. Got it.
"BRO": ...Close enough, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": But seriously, Bro, it don't matter how good you are at pretending to let shit roll off your shoulders… why do you live in a place where you have people shit on your shoulders so often?
"BRO": "Shit on your shoulders," hell, that's a new one. I'm gonna use that one. But to answer your question… jeez, I don't get it myself, but I just have success here that I don't have elsewhere. Honestly… I'm wondering if it's a case of people buying off me to convince me, themselves, and anybody else who might be watching that they don't hate foxes because they're good open-minded citizens of the world when they know deep down that they do and they aren't. Contrast that to other places where people who don't like foxes would just ignore me if not tell me to my face, "Man, you look sneaky and I'm not buying what you're slinging." Heck, I think at least a few of these people might not even want what I'm selling but they're limousine liberals with disposable income and they want to show the world that they're supporting local vendors and encouraging small business and not being at all discriminatory against the sneaky little fox - I-I know I sound like a fucking Republican again saying this, but for at least a few of the people who buy off me, it's self-serving performance art. It's gotta be.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Whoa.
"BRO": So there's your answer: I think the same factors that make life here tough have paradoxically given me a business advantage. I can't say it would work for anybody else but me, but it's working for me.
"PIPSQUEAK": And it helps that you're dealing drugs on the side.
"BRO": ...And that. And still other things! My business model isn't binary, Pipsqueak. And then you got my freelance work, at least one businessman is asking me to do some independent contractor work-
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but at a certain point, Bro, I'm not impressed that you're sucking up the bullshit and staying in that town, I'm disappointed that you don't have the guts to tell that town to go fuck itself and just leave for somewhere else.
"BRO": Well, where else would I go, Pipsqueak? I've basically tried every other major city in the country already… except D.C., but D.C. sucks.
"PIPSQUEAK": Fine, then try a less-major city.
"BRO": What, like the one I grew up in!? Oh, God, no, Nottingham has nothing to offer me. Y'know, Pipsqueak they say you can never truly go home again, because with the passage of time the home you knew stops existing as you knew it.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...I didn't… I didn't mean here, Bro, I just meant… try somewhere like… like Toledo or something-
"BRO": Oh, fuck that, I would rather be dead in Oregon than alive in Ohio.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...You really don't even want to visit this town again?
"BRO": I mean, I'd like to see you, Pipsqueak, but in my case, "you can't go home again" is pretty literal since apparently Mom and Dad really did wallpaper over my bedroom door and bricked the fucking windows shut. Like, Jesus, did they plug up the air vents too? Is there literally zero particles of oxygen in that room? If a fly was stuck in there, would it have suffocated to death a long time ago?
"PIPSQUEAK": I… wait, weren't the bricks your idea? Like when you were trying your hardest to be as edgy as possible.
"BRO": It was my idea at first, I already bought them, then Mom and Dad said "hell no, you might be able to afford a lot of stuff but you don't own the house you're trying to modify, we do," then around the time I moved out, the bricks were still in the garage, so they decided to brick my window shut anyway out of spite after I was already over the idea. Because Mom and Dad are just such mature adults, y'know?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Wait.
"BRO": I'm waiting.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...You're never gonna need your room again, now are ya?
"BRO": I mean, is it even habitable?
"PIPSQUEAK": But like… you're not… I guess I never realized you're… you're done with that room.
"BRO": You seem really hung up on that room, Pipsqueak.
"PIPSQUEAK": Well, yeah, I… I mean it's always been like this… secret… thing-
"BRO": Like a mythological place? Full of cool stuff?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, something like that.
"BRO": Well I tell ya what, Pipsqueak. I hereby bestow on to you all my possessions still in that house, under the condition that I still get visitation rights at any time without notice and that you don't throw anything away without my express permission first. Good luck getting Mom and Dad to let you in, though.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Okay, you mentioned visitation rights for your stuff, are you actually never coming back or might you?
"BRO": Eh, I might or I might not.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Well can you make up your mind and tell me now?
"BRO": I've made up my mind that if I ever do pay you a visit, it will be suddenly and without warning, because I am just that much of a drama queen.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Of course you are.
"BRO": But in all seriousness, Pip, I'm strongly leaning toward no. I have no real desires to come back to that house. Mom and Dad certainly seem to be content with this little arrangement we have set up where they pretend I don't exist most of the time but then call me when it's convenient for them and monologue for twenty uninterrupted minutes about how well they're doing in life just to make me feel like a jackass - not that I'm saying it works on me, but I wouldn't tell you if it did.
"PIPSQUEAK": So… I can safely assume you won't need your room anymore?
"BRO": Jeez, I thought you just wanted my stuff, but you seem more hung up on the room itself.
"PIPSQUEAK": Well, yeah, because… it's not that I forget it exists, but I always think of it as your room, I never really thought of it as a… space.
"BRO": Well, it did used to be your room.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, but- it's not that I never thought of it as a space, just… not since they boarded it up. That's when it became… like…
"BRO": Like Narnia?
"PIPSQUEAK": ….What's Narnia?
"BRO": Jesus, one day you'll be old enough to confidently tell the world you know about pop culture without fearing that people will automatically assume you like it.
"PIPSQUEAK": They will, though. Prove me wrong.
"BRO": ...So what do you want with my room so bad? You wanna give up your swanky bedroom for my tiny patch of shit?
"PIPSQUEAK": No, no! I just thought… might be nice to have another room in the house.
"BRO": What, do you want a sewing room or something?
"PIPSQUEAK": No, no, Jesus, no, I… you told me to think of something that could make Dad money, right?
"BRO": You gonna turn my room into a meth lab?
"PIPSQUEAK": (scoffs) Y-yes, Bro. I'm gonna cook crystal fucking meth with Dad in your bedroom.
"BRO": Hey, it might be a good father-son bonding activity!
"PIPSQUEAK": Well, hey, I gotta go now, I suddenly had an idea for a business proposal for Dad I oughta draw up.
"BRO": Involving my room?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Maybe.
"BRO": Pipsqueak, I just wanna know what you're doing with it.
"PIPSQUEAK": Don't worry, Bro, Dad probably won't like my idea anyway. And neither will Mom, they both think I'm retarded.
"BRO": Alright, alright, keep your secrets.
"PIPSQUEAK": I, uh… I got an unrelated question, though.
"BRO": Please proceed.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...This is a burner phone I'm calling you on, right?
"BRO": Eh, kinda? It's a prepaid cheapie, to be sure, but it's not something I literally bought from Walmart with a blister pack around it, I did at least get it at a legit phone department in a legit tech store. Why do you ask?
"PIPSQUEAK": You ain't planning on keeping it for long, are ya?
"BRO": Not any longer than I need to, no. Why?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Do I have to worry about you changing your number again?
"BRO": Aw, would you look at that? Little Brother really does want to have a meaningful brotherly entirely-non-sexual relationship with Big Brother!
"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus Christ, Bro, shut the fuck up.
"BRO": What? You mean you do want to commit incest with me? I mean, Christ, Pipsqueak, I'm honored that you think I'm a hunky piece of fox meat - no Potato Famine/Great Starvation pun intended - but I'm not interested in-
"PIPSQUEAK": If you wanna keep making these conversations weird, then maybe I won't wanna talk to you.
"BRO": Alright, alright, I'll simmer down. But seriously, Pipsqueak, if you wanna make sure we don't lose contact, get your own cheap cell phone and call me on that. That way if either of us change our numbers, we'll still be able to contact the other one and inform them. And you still get to completely circumvent Mom and Dad and not have to pay for a payphone where scumbag kids may or may not be painting arsenic and cyanide on the buttons because they're bored.
"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, I don't have that kind of money.
"BRO": Fine, then I'll pay for it! Did you already blow through my cash?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Cash?
"BRO": Yeah, you know, the couple thousand in cash I have hidden around my room? Did you find it all yet?
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Cash?
"BRO": Yeah, under the fridge, lining the bottom of the snake pit in the trunk of the El Camino, in my underwear drawer, up the stuffed camel's ass, y'know, places like that? There might be more I'm forgetting. Did you find all of it yet?
"PIPSQUEAK": (silence)
"BRO": ...You… have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
"PIPSQUEAK": WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD A COUPLE GRAND JUST LAYING AROUND?
"BRO": Because fucking A: I didn't want to risk you spilling it to Mom and Dad, who'd probably take it for themselves, and more importantly, B: I just expected that you would be the kind of snoopy little shit who'd go sneaking around and find it anyway! I literally planned for you to stumble upon it on your own because sneakiness runs in our blood but shit, I guess you never did. (fake crying) You failed me, Pipsqueak!
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Oh my fucking God.
"BRO": I mean, hey, when I made the conscious decision to leave all that money there, I didn't think this was all gonna get harder as an adult, so if you don't want it, I could seriously use it right now.
"PIPSQUEAK": It's not that I don't want it, motherfucker! It's that I've been able to go inside your room maybe once a year and I've never had any clues that there was money in there! I don't have the luxury of just waltzing into your bedroom whenever I wanted! Jesus Motherfucking Christ, you draw up a treasure map that sends me to the fucking trailer park all for a suitcase full of wishbones, but you had actual money hiding under my nose that whole time?
"BRO": ...Suitcase full of wishbones? What the fuck?
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah, it was under a trailer! We found the map in your room!
"BRO": There was a map in my room to where I hid a suitcase full of cash which I dug up and put in the bank before I left Delaware. I never bothered filling in the hole, though, so maybe someone else buried… a suitcase full of wishbones there, I guess, after I left.
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… uh, oh yeah, that's right, those weren't… those weren't yours. I remember now.
"BRO": ...Riiiiight.
"PIPSQUEAK": So. Money's hidden in the camel's asshole, the snake pit, under your fridge, the dresser, where else?
"BRO": Um… under the floorboards in my closet, I think? But yeah, there's money in the banana stand, Pipsqueak!
"PIPSQUEAK": ...What the fuck are you referencing now?
"BRO": Arrested Development. A show on Fox that nobody watches so I can't blame you for getting the reference.
"PIPSQUEAK": Why does nobody watch it?
"BRO": Well, part of it is probably the same way that anything that isn't The Simpsons or the NFL has trouble getting attention on Fox because stupid Rupert Murdoch named his network after his own species and then dared to wonder why other species assumed the channel wasn't for them, and it doesn't help that this show in particular actually is about a family of foxes, which isn't exactly a popular draw, but it's also because… I swear, that show's jokes are too clever. I've seen some episodes at friends' houses and honestly, the jokes don't make you laugh, they just make you go "...hey, that is a clever joke! Bravo!" Yeah, it's that kind of show.
"PIPSQUEAK": Sure sounds like somebody's watching it.
"BRO": Well, it's not that nobody's watching it, it's more like a cult-fandom sort of thing. I'd be surprised if it was still on the air in a year's time. But I feel obligated to have at least some working knowledge of that show because… apparently I can totally pass for a younger, taller version of the main character? And I've seen the show, and… it's kinda true? Maybe kinda-sorta? And these same people would swear on a stack of bibles that my voice sounds exactly the same as his, too, which… I sure hope my voice doesn't sound as high-pitched as his, but eh, our people have high-pitched voices, that's a fact, I'll live with it. You actually lucked out, Pipsqueak, I don't know how but you're rivalling Dad for the deepest voice in the family - or at least it's gravelly enough to give everyone the illusion it is, timbre versus depth and all that. Still not saying much, but-
"PIPSQUEAK": I'm so flattered.
"BRO": Plus you got that trait from Mom where the fur on the top of your head can grow out longer, that's a relatively new one that I think mammalia only picked up in the last ten thousand years or so. I think they say that gene came about when we started living in interspecies societies and growing out head hair that we could style helped members of one species be able to tell apart members of another. Meanwhile, I look bald compared to you.
"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, I look bald too 'cept for, like, some long stuff down the middle.
"BRO": But you still have an "except"! Ya see, Pipsqueak, you didn't draw all the worst genes. Stop beating yourself up over your body.
"PIPSQUEAK": I'll trade ya my voice and my hair for your four-foot body if voices mean that much to you.
"BRO": Well then I'd have to find a four-foot body to match the one I tricked the government into thinking I have. But yeah, before you build your meth lab, check every nook and cranny in my room for the cash and put it toward a cheap cell phone. It's on me.
"PIPSQUEAK": And there ya go again, buying me what Mom and Dad won't so you can show off that you can provide for me better than they can.
"BRO": Quite the contrary, Pipsqueak, keep the money and the phone our little secret.
"PIPSQUEAK": I'm just telling you now, Bro, I'm not buying a cell phone even if I can find your money.
"BRO": Why not?
"PIPSQUEAK": Bro… be real with me… do you think they'd sell a cell phone to a fourteen-year-old? Who looks like a seven-year-old?
"BRO": And sounds like a twenty-one-year-old?
"PIPSQUEAK": Bro, answer the question.
"BRO": ...Hey, Pipsqueak, if you're not comfortable doing grown-up shit like figuring out how to buy and activate your own cell phone, that's fine, I shouldn't be forcing you to grow up so fast.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Uh-
"BRO": I was just getting excited at the idea that I'd actually have someone in my family who actually wants something to do with me. Somebody I could talk to in ways I can't talk to the friends I sometimes hang out with - most of whom I don't even feel that close with and just keep in touch with for networking purposes.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...Dude, you keep zigzagging on whether you have a million friends or if you have zero.
"BRO": So… I have a pretty easy time getting people in my life, but a tough time getting them close. I mean, in my line of work, I need a lot of connections, and the energy it takes to maintain those relationships doesn't leave me with much for focusing on any one of them. I mean, look at Dad. Same boat as me. Everybody loves Classy Terry or Terry Classy or whatever the fuck they call him, but… who's his best friend? The bear guy down the street, your boy Ed's dad? Socializing is a business move for Dad and I've seriously wondered if he's a literal textbook sociopath who just uses people as chess pieces. I know he's not actually that bad, but I've still made a point to try to not be as insanely calculating in my relations… and yet in my line of work, I need to be insanely calculating in my relations to survive. Does this all make sense? Am I boring you?
"PIPSQUEAK": Uh… yes and no. In that order.
"BRO": Honestly, Pipsqueak, even when we were young, I kinda envied you and your little friends around the neighborhood.
"PIPSQUEAK": What friends? I have two.
"BRO": Two real true-blue friends. I had plenty of friends on paper but I don't know if a single one of them would have liked me if it weren't for my money. And I'll probably never know.
"PIPSQUEAK": Didn't you still have plenty of friends before the money came along?
"BRO": Yeah, but people grow up and personalities change. How many of my friends when I was seven would have still been my friends at seventeen if I hadn't started raking in the dough and buying us all cool shit when I was twelve? Again, I'll never know. What I'm saying, Pipsqueak, is appreciate your friends. And your family. A lot of people don't have the luxury of having those two things; I sometimes wonder if I don't have either.
"PIPSQUEAK": Yeah… yeah, appreciate my friends.
"BRO": ...I was one hundred percent expecting you to say something about how family sucks, but now it sounds like you're bummed out about something. Is it something about your friends?
"PIPSQUEAK": Remember how I said I needed to talk to someone who wasn't completely stupid about everything?
"BRO": Mmhmm?
"PIPSQUEAK": Well, there ya go.
"BRO": You wanna talk about it? I-I mean, it's getting later, but… I, uh, I can probably afford to skip the evening-commute rush.
"PIPSQUEAK": N-no, no, I-I really gotta go. Got some work to do. But hey, thanks for making time for me, Bro.
"BRO": Hey, anytime, kid.
"PIPSQUEAK": Oh, any time?
"BRO": ...Almost any time. Get a cell phone so I can call you back when I can't talk.
"PIPSQUEAK": The payphone strategy really does seem cheaper for both of us.
"BRO": No, Pipsqueak, it isn't, that's how they get ya. Fifty cents a call is highway robbery. That's why they're all gonna go away soon. But hey, take good care of my room for me, alright?
"PIPSQUEAK": Sure, Bro.
"BRO": And don't touch the solid-gold dildos!
"PIPSQUEAK": ...What?
"BRO": Sweetheart, you heard me.
"PIPSQUEAK": ...You're fucking with me, right?
"BRO": Of course I'm fucking with you! A metal dick up the ass would be freezing-ass cold. Silicone is so much better!
"PIPSQUEAK": Jesus Christ, knick.
"BRO": (laughing) But it's good to hear from you again, Pipsqueak. Talk to you soon. I love ya, kid.
"PIPSQUEAK": I… I care about you, too, Bro.
"BRO": Whoa, Pipsqueak! Whoa! I just took a big risk by using the "L" word, and you couldn't even reciprocate it?
"PIPSQUEAK": Nope.
"BRO": Eh, sounds about right. Ah, to be a teenage boy again, genuinely terrified of all things even remotely gay. Alright, bud. Toodles.
"PIPSQUEAK": Good luck out there, Bro.
"BRO": You too, kiddo.
(call ends)