The Joy of Bananas
Stephen/Jack minus the Stephen/Jack
More comedic nonsense from me, purely because I heart Stephen and Jack.
Slash pairing, self-explantory. Oneshot i.e go and make a cup of hot chocolate, instead of leaving a review telling me to write more chapters - it'll be less of a waste of time. One line of it nicked from the wonderful PeakInDarien, because it was so damn funny it HAD to get a wider audience. R+R if you think it deserves it. (and sorry about the title. It's actually got sod all to do with anything - I just liked the sound of it!)
Stephen's Diary, entry dated 21st April 18Oatcake
Love JA, but JA not realising. Actually, JA as thick as twenty-two short planks. All innuendo, nakedness and lovingly-named tortoises having no effect on the wretch.
Time to come out of the closet. Speaking of which, dead crocodile in mine starting to smell unsavoury. Meant to finish dissecting it, but was distracted by amorous thoughts of JA yet again.
Must make my feelings known to him!
---
And so, the squeals of a hundred overjoyed slash shippers echoing in his ears, Stephen stalked determinedly up on deck one morning to greet Jack with an ardent declaration, having decided that the 'direct approach' was infinitely better than fiddling about, pretending the latest Corelli was the only type of music he wanted to be making with Jack.
'……,'said Stephen, grabbing Jack passionately by his voluptuous rump, locking lips, and proceeding to lovingly excavate a groove between the Captain's tonsils for a full five minutes. Midshipman Tonker looked on approvingly, and gave him a round of applause.
'There, Joy, you see what passion you move me to!' cried Stephen, stepping back breathlessly, in the satisfied certainty that Jack would understand.
'What?' Jack said, licking his lips good-naturedly, 'Well, it was very enthusiastic, but I fail to see what is out-of-the-ordinary'
'Out-of-the-ordinary?' said Stephen (who, of course, never paid a blind bit of attention to the naval customs), 'Why Jack, I just french-kissed you!'
'Indeed,' said Jack, removing his hat as the Officers formed an orderly queue in front of him, 'But there's nothing odd about it. Snogging the Captain is a time-honoured tradition in the Navy! All the officers do it! At precisely 9am every morning, we all line up like this, and honour the custom.
'And well done,' he said, winking at Stephen as Midshipman Hollom stepped smartly up, wrapping his arms about Jack's shoulders, 'For starting early - we shall be well ahead of our schedules today!'
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Stephen's Diary, entry dated 22nd April
JA a pest. May enrol in Pole-Dancing class.
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Stephen reasoned that perhaps Jack, being a man of action, would more readily recognise an even directer-er approach. He chose his moment carefully, waiting until one bright morning, (sunny enough to put a sunflower like Jack in a good mood) when the both of them were alone in the cabin. The ship was, to the best of his ignorance, running smoothly, and the captain would have no cause to be called away for any reason.
'Jack?' said Stephen, slinking sexily out of his waistcoat, and dropping it to the floor with a suggestive smile. Jack beamed innocently at him, and continued tuning his violin.
Stephen tried again.
'Jack...,' Stephen cooed breathily, shedding his shirt and writhing out of his breeches, beckoning to Jack with one elegant-long finger.
'Yes?' Jack looked up at him
'Oh, Jack,' Stephen said, oozing across the floor, scantily-clad, hips swinging seductively.
'Aha! What an excellent idea!' Jack said, looking up at him with a pleased expression on his generous features.
'It is, isn't it?' Stephen purred, sliding onto Jack's lap and whipping his hair-ribbon off lasciviously to fondle Jack's lion-like tresses.
'I know - I knew it was about time for a late-night swim!'
Jack jumped happily to his feet, sending Stephen crashing violently to the floor.
'Oh, I am sorry! But how excellent of you to think of removing all your clothes in advance...we shall save time today, I feel - oh, don't wait for me, I know you're raring to go! Just hop up on deck, there's a good fellow, and we'll soon have you swimming like a fish'
Stephen, on the brink of tearing his hair out, froze a second, then beamed manically at Jack
'Swimming, yes, swimming. Of course, Joy. With lots of secluded sandy beaches and playful splashing and slippery grasping of each others...limbs. Charming,' he grinned insanely once again, like a shark that's just overdosed on the laudanum, and stalked murderously up onto the deck
-
Stephen's Diary, entry dated 24th April
I'd hate JA, if only I didn't love him so much.
-
It was no use trying to be delicate. Whatever he felt would have to be declared plainly, pure and simple. It would have to be more obvious than a very obvious thing, with no room for error whatsoever. Stephen thought a moment, selected his words with mathematical precision, and approached Jack as he leant at the rail in good-humoured contemplation of Things.
'Jack, you're hot,' Stephen said daringly, accosting his would-be paramour on the quarterdeck, nostrils flaring with excitement.
'No, no, sir, quite cool today. The weather is tolerable!' Jack smiled back innocently.
'No, Joy, I mean that you're delicious'
'Why, thank-you Stephen, I am feeling quite mellow this morning'
'Jack, you mistake me, I...I mean you (Stephen wached as the remnants of Delicacy sank without trace)…turn me on'
'To new ideas? Well, I too, Doctor, I have gotten interested in great many new things thanks to you!'
'No, no, no! I say I am amorously attracted to you, brother!'
'And I to you - I have always loved you, Stephen'
'I know, but physically'
'I second that!' Jack beamed nobly, rounding on Stephen and crushing his ribs in an enthusiastic bear hug, thumping him between the skinny shoulderblades in a manly fashion, 'let it not be said I have anything against physical affection for one's friends!'
Stephen, turning an inelegant shade of 'lobster' in his frustration, wheezed furiously awhile and wondered if he would have to get anatomical in his talk with Jack.
Of course, it wouldn't bother him in the slightest - but may well mentally scar Jack. Sentences that begin 'I want to stick my...' , and don't go on to say anything about scrapbooks, rarely lead to anything good.
'I...I could wish to sleep with you'
'Certainly, a spare patch of my bunk is always available, should you ever run out of cabin-space, and...'
'Jack, you ghastly retard, I want to have your damned babies!' Stephen screamed at him, going berserk. A hush descended on the entire ship. The horizon rang with the echoes of his hideous Irish squawk. A limpet gulped. Everyone had heard.
For a second, Jack stopped, stunned, and it seemed to have worked.
And then:
'Well Stephen, I never took you for a kidnapper! Both my babies are safe and sound in England with Sophie, and I assure you, you can't have them!' he said, his oafishly handsome face splitting into a wide grin as he laughed at his own joke, 'Stephen, you rogue, what strange things you do come out with, upon my word! Good joke, good joke…get back to work, everybody, and don't mind the good Doctor. His sense of humour has been a little…queer…lately'
Stephen's ears pricked up at the last sentence, wondering if there was some kind of double-entendre going on, but decided that Jack, in his blundering way, hadn't meant it like that. He cracked his skinny knuckles distractedly, wondering whether to cry, embrace Jack, or kick his head in. All were extreme responses, but then, he felt quite extreme about Jack.
In the end, he did none of them, but instead went below and played with a dead starfish until he felt better.
--
Stephen's Diary, entry dated 5th April
I heart laudanum.
--
Stephen stared miserably at the laudanum-bottle he was about to drown his sorrows in.
No Jack. No Diana. No nobody. Just because he snarled at everyone within a ten-mile radius, preferred the company of dead squid to humans, and had serious personal hygiene issues, were no reasons for people to hate him. He wasn't given to feeling sorry for himself, but he really was a bit miffed. After all, he had plenty of good points too, like...like...well, he had some, anyway. Cute sideburns, possibly.
He sat miserably in the gloomy half-darkness, unwashed and ungroomed – in fact, an Emo-girl's perfect man-crumpet – and sat up sharply when he heard the knock at the door. It was Killick.
'Which the Captain wishes ye to come to his cabin at once, sir – says it's very urgent'
Stephen's heart leapt. He grabbed it at once, told it to behave itself, and replaced it.
'He does! But of course he does. I shall come at once! Er…that is to say, I shall make my way there, at once'
'Which it sounds like it would be a good idea, sir'
'Killick, why do you persist in talking like that?'
'Which it is an irritating character trait, sir'
-
Jack had gone to bed early that night, complaining of mild stomach pains. Probably caused by eating too many weevils, Stephen had said, prodding his ample stomach affectionately. It would have gone away of its own accord, but Stephen, knowing that a placebo often had a marvellous effect, had whisked a bottle off of his shelf and quickly dosed Jack up with several generous spoonfuls.
He entered Jack's cabin and closed the door cautiously behind him. The cabin was not very well-lit, and he could barely even make out Jack's form in the darkness.
'Joy? Are you there? How are you? I hope the complaint does not persist,' he said softly, and his foot brushed against something clinky rolling about on the cabin floor. It was the bottle of medicine he'd sent Jack away with, with instructions to take a few spoonfuls every two hours.
Absently, he picked up the bottle, and his eyes fluttered open wide, panic starting to well up in his narrow chest. He peered at the label worriedly. It was not the right bottle.
'Garden of Earthly Delights Extra-Super-Strength Aphrodisiac Elixir. Only one small spoonful to be taken per bedtime. Warning: Do not exceed stated dosage!'
He froze, staring fixedly ahead at the wall. In future, Killick would not be allowed to tidy the shelves.
Stephen replaced the bottle.
'Oh, dear'
he said faintly, as Jack snaked a meaty arm about his neck, giggling ravenously...
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