L'EDgendary

by dobanochi

A few years since we last saw any of them, the Peach Creek Boys and the Merry Men run into one another at just the right time, working together to undermine an oppressive city government as well as their burgeoning insecurities. An action-comedy-drama character study about friendship, leadership, self-esteem, and the divide between who we're born as and who we choose to be.

61. Robin's Charm School, Pt 2

61. "Robin's Charm School, Pt. 2"

"Eddy says Future Eddy is gonna help us get girlfriends!"

The duo looked up from where they were seated in the open back hatch of the van, seeing the big brown cub first out of the three.

"And with girls who are actually pretty and not ugly and scary and mean like the Kanker sisters!"

Following the bear in was the fox boy, smiling nervously as he saw the really, man? look awaiting him from the adults. But none of them said anything further.

Instead, the wolf quipped about the situation: "Is it true that you summoned us here to educate us on how to become pickup artists?"

Double-D was not looking too good. Not outright disheveled and certainly still showering and brushing his fur, but he had an air about him like he was on the verge of an allergic reaction to the world around him. He seemed like he hadn't left the house in days (because he hadn't) and his eyes seemed squinted just a bit, as though on the entire walk to the junkyard they still hadn't fully adjusted to the sun - and, okay, yeah, he's a wolf, night vision and all, but you know what I mean. He just seemed like a particularly unhealthy shut-in. You can see why we haven't been hearing much from him lately.

And Robin and Johnny were kicking themselves for not making time to check in on him, but they had their own obligations to sort out, such as this housing issue and - as Ed had inadvertently reminded them - getting Robin a chance to see his fiancée again for one hell of a morale boon. They'd make time for the poor pup soon enough, however; it's not like Double-D was going anywhere.

"Eddy, is it true that you told these lads that we were going to teach you how to collect women like bottle caps?" the Englishman asked, half playfully annoyed, half genuinely annoyed.

The kit was still smiling nervously. "Uh… hey! I had to get them to come here somehow! Marketing, y'know? I don't think they'da wanted to come if I said 'hey, the British guy wants to tell us about how great he is just in case you wanna try to copy him.'"

Robin nodded slowly with a calm but stern look on his face. "I can see your point, Eddy, but as I soon hope to teach you, lying is not a good way to win people over, and - contrary to popular belief - neither is treating women like objects."

"For the record," Double-D muttered disinterestedly, "I was not won over by the notion that you'd be instructing us on how to become quasi-predatory ladies' men, but Eddy seemed very excited for this crash-course you were offering and I chose to come along as an act of politeness to him."

"And that's very nice of you, Eddward," said Robin, "but we'll also soon discuss how being a pushover is also an unappealing quality."

Edd raised an eyebrow. He didn't care to be called a pushover - but he couldn't argue against that label either, so he kept his mouth shut.

"Come, lads!" Robin welcomed as he stood from the van's bumper, Johnny silently following suit. "Have a seat and we can jump right into it, I have no desire to waste your time nor mine. Now, for spatial reasons, may I suggest that Eddy and Eddward take a seat in the van's doorway and Ed and Johnny have a seat on the ground?"

"Well, we're already considered a species of slobs," Johnny remarked tiredly, "why not just sit my ass down on the ground in a literal junkyard, huh?" And so he did.

Eddy, however, found this curious. "Hey, ain't ya gonna be giving the speech with him?"

Little John just shook his head. "Like you said, kid, I can be doin' better. I'm here to learn as much as you are."

And there might have been a time and place in the past when Eddy would have laughed at this giant of a man submitting himself to be an equal to these kids, if even for a little while, but in light of the kit's own fascination and confusion about how Robin was as irresistible as he was, he could concede that this wasn't all that embarrassing on the bear's part.

"Heh," Eddy muttered, "nice to know I'm not the only one scratching my head about how this guy gets men and women alike to fucking salivate over him."

Johnny chuckled. "I hear that, brother!" He shook his head a little as he glanced off at Robin. "On the one hand, he swears he's not born with it - at least not entirely - and that we can learn it, too… on the other hand… man, just look at the guy and tell me he wasn't born with it. Or at least he was born with traits that made it a foregone conclusion that he'd turn out this way."

Eddy did look at Robin as instructed, then back at Johnny. The boy looked mildly uncomfortable.

"...You really do think me and him are fuckin', don'tcha?"

"I honestly can't make up my mind."

Johnny let an exasperated nasal chuckle, shaking his head.

"Would you like me to remind Eddy that your personal lives are none of our business?" Double-D cut in, still as apathetic as he'd been all week.

"Naw, considering how old you guys are - and that Eddy's dad here is a Boston sports fan of all things - it's a miracle that every other word coming out of his mouth ain't gay, fag, or queer," said Johnny, half-joking. "...Do you think that way about us, Dubs?"

The wolf just shrugged without looking at either of them. "As I said… I understand that it's none of my business."

Johnny just scoffed and turned back to Eddy. "Well suffice to say, boys, after all the fucked-up things I've been through, I don't think I'd be comfy with anybody touching me that way - not that pretty-boy, not a pretty woman, nobody."

Eddy winced. He'd already gathered that the bear had had a pretty pitiable love life thus far, but what he'd just said… well, Eddy didn't know what would be weirder, if that was a lie Johnny was telling to make himself look less pathetic, or if it wasn't. In any case, it begged a more straightforward question:

"...Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you clearly want some proof that me and him aren't funny like that."

"No, I mean…" He cycled his paw around as he looked for the words. "You could have just said that, but you didn't say that, you said… that."

Little John understood, and he had an answer. "I figured you'd find out eventually if you hung around us long enough. Hell, you saw me squirming like a worm when those trailer park girls decided they had the hots for me, didn'tcha? Might as well clear the air and get it over and done with."

Eddy turned away, pondering what to do with this information and whether or not to even trust it.

You may have surmised that Robin was letting this entire conversation happen right in front of him without intervening, and you'd be correct. He was off to the side, hurriedly scribbling down some notes; now that the school year had ended, some teacher somewhere had dumped a bunch of supplies, such as pre-sharpened pencils and most of a stack of index cards that they were either too stupid or too goddamn lazy to recycle. With these, Robin was hoping to quickly formulate an outline for this lesson, which he had realized at the last second would be tougher than he thought.

Hey, Dear Reader, do me a favor? Teach me algebra. Like… the most basic basics of algebra. Just tell me what it is and how you do it. C'mon, you know algebra, don't you? It shouldn't be that hard to just recite how to perform it on the spot. If you can see the equation 3x+4=10 and figure out in short order that x equals, uh… (*Googles it*) ...2, then you can probably teach it to someone else, can't ya?

Not so easy, now is it? Knowing how to do something and knowing how to teach it aren't quite the same, now are they? Robin was quickly finding that out. And even then, not all teaching is created equal. For example, Robin was good at teaching archery; he'd taught Marian, he'd taught Johnny and the gang, he'd taught Skippy, he'd begun the process of teaching these boys. But archery was a mechanical, technical process that Robin found easier to break down because he regularly thought through his actions when doing it himself and therefore could more easily recite them to his pupils. But now being tasked with explaining how it was that he was able to enchant so many people? It wasn't just that he was asking himself to remember the syllables and sentences used to teach him which he hadn't heard in twenty years, but these alluring traits and habits were so ingrained and automatic in him at this point that trying to put them into words was… well, perhaps a better analogy would be that it was like asking him to teach these four how to breathe.

But then he had a thought. Maybe striving for perfection went against the message here, and he should be seeking to teach these guys that you don't have to be perfect to get people to like you. If he was worthy of teaching this lesson, he ought not have any trouble winging it. But what then, prey tell, was the message here?

It was that, as with most things in life, one of the keys was confidence. And as he could almost sense her getting somehow nearer to him, he deeply believed that Marian would encourage him to just trust his gut on this.

WARNING:
The following charisma crash-course is something half-remembered by the guy who gave it extemporaneously sixteen years ago and recited to a guy whose social calendar is so empty that I have time to write this. Some of this information may be poorly-worded to the point of being confusing or misleading, simply incorrect or bad advice, or since proven outdated as our society gets worse and worse and people become bigger assholes every single day. This narrator assumes no responsibility if you try to implement these tips and tricks and come across like that guy who thinks he's as smooth as Ham Solo but it just is not working.

"Alright, lads!" he announced cheerily as he turned around to face him, tossing the useless index cards over his shoulder and letting them flutter to the ground behind him. "Let me begin by saying this: if you really want so badly to have others think of you as they think of me, then know that it fundamentally boils down to -"

"Ooh! OOH!" Ed yelped as he waved his raised hand, squirming in eager anticipation. "Will littering make us cool!?"

...It was only for a moment, but in that moment, Robin's famous confidence was utterly zapped from him as the bear boy had inadvertently called him out. "Er…" he mumbled as he turned to look at the dirty ground behind him, "...somebody please remind me to, er, pick those up when we're done here…" But after this brief hiccough, Robin shook it off and got his mojo flowing again. "But as I was saying, I'll be teaching you a lot of things, lads, but at the base of it all, the bedrock you need to build this upon, is a sense… of confidence. A core belief that you can do whatever you set your mind to. And let me be clear, you cannot fake this. Others can tell when you try to. Honestly, you're better off trying to be confident in your lack of confidence than trying to feign self-esteem, because then you'll just seem like a liar and a loser. And why does this matter so much? Well, think of it this way: if you want somebody to think highly of you, but you don't even think highly of yourself… why should they?"

He put his paws together and looked about at his audience. Ed seemed confused, Double-D seemed thoroughly bored, Eddy seemed intrigued (but also seemed like he was consciously trying to look a little less mind-blown than a toddler at a planetarium), and Johnny looked like he was trying really, really hard to pay attention and not just dwell on the fact that he needed to hear this wisdom from someone six years younger than him.

Perfect.

"Johnny," Robin said with a paw in the bear's direction.

"Yessir."

"While we're not just here to learn how to get the ladies to wiggle our willies, let's use it as an example anyway. Let's pretend a beautiful woman were to walk around that corner and happen upon us. Whatever you want her to look like, just the right age, and just to make things easier, you could somehow just tell that she was unspoken for. Do you think you could strike up a conversation with her and convince her to join you for dinner sometime?"

Little John winced. "...Prob'ly not -"

"And there you have it! If you don't believe you can, you simply won't. End of story. Johnny, I know I put you on the spot there, but thank you for being a good sport about it -"

"But wait," Eddy cut in, "isn't dinner more like a… second-date thing, not a first-rate thing?" He seemed embarrassed for not already knowing the answer. "Like, straight-up dinner seems a little serious for a date with a chick you just met… well, wait, no, there's that Blink-182 song where he can't eat because he's nervous, so I guess that means they're eating din -"

"Eddy, you're overthinking this," Robin said kindly but firmly. "But take note, boys, that I didn't ask Johnny whether he thought he certainly would get the pretty girl's number, only whether he thought he could. Because having confidence in yourself does not mean believing you'll succeed at everything you do one hundred percent of the time now and forever. This is a misconception many people believe. Believing you'll succeed at everything is setting yourself up for disappointment at best and a sign that you're arrogant and delusional at worst. People often ponder, where's the line between confidence and arrogance? Well, there you have my answer." And he paused for a moment to reflect that he too was guilty of this overconfident arrogance sometimes, but he knew he was merely mortal. "You won't succeed at everything you try, and that's okay. Failure makes you a real person and not a fantastic superhero. You don't need to believe that you will succeed at everything you try; all you need to believe… is that you can succeed at everything you try. Because in this life, as me dear dad once told me, you won't succeed at everything you do confidently… but you'll only succeed at that which you do with confidence. And to reiterate, you cannot fake that confidence. Understood so far?"

He looked out to his small crowd. Johnny and Eddy gave tight nods, Edd gave a weak and apathetic one, but Ed still seemed a bit lost.

"Does that mean I should think I can go to the planet Pluto and fight aliens to protect the Solar System!?" asked the curious young bruin. (Ah, remember when Pluto was still a planet? If you were raised with My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles instead of Nine Pies, you're too young to be reading this.)

The social sensei chuckled. "Ah, we may have to keep it within the realm of possibility there, lad!"

Ed looked disappointed. "Then how is Ed supposed to think he can do anything!"

But Robin had an answer ready to go. "Excellent question! It leads me to my next points. Because far, far too many parents and teachers are content to just tell children, 'Ah, believe in yourself!' and call it a job well done without ever caring to teach these kids how to genuinely build their self-esteem! And that's done by teaching the children to do things that show them that they really can do anything they set their mind to…"

Ed raised his paw again.

"...within reason, of course."

Ed lowered his paw again.

"So now that you have the platform we'll be building upon, I'll be teaching you all strategies to appeal to people that you can try yourselves and get the hang of it in your own time. It's… a cyclical thing, I suppose would be the word: I'll teach you these strategies to help build your self-esteem and as your self-esteem grows, you'll get better at these strategies. And I have a vested interest in you lads improving in this area because this isn't just for getting dates; having the ability to draw people into you is good for making regular friends, for acing a job interview, for talking your way out of a tough situation with someone cross with you… and even for getting them to come along and join you on their silly little adventure playing Adam Bell in the forest!"

Robin gave his bear buddy a wink, and Johnny returned with a slow, soft nod, not having any intention of saying that as a result of his prior life experience being shunned by the socially adept, he personally found overbearing self-confidence to be obnoxious (as he still did in Robin), and quite frankly only fell in with the fox because, well, Robin seemed to like him, and after a lifetime of loneliness, that was good enough.

The tutor allowed himself a second to think about which path to take before continuing. "The next big idea is this: there's more than one way to win people over and get them to want to be around you. You can be several of these things, but you do not have to be all of these things, and you shouldn't be if it doesn't feel right, because much like with the confidence bit, others can simply tell when you're being somebody other than yourself. Once again: you can't fake such things. Not even I can do that. So pick strategies that seem like they wouldn't clash with who you really are - I can't do that for you, nobody can do that except for you yourselves, as nobody knows you like you do. Clear so far?"

The pupils looked on in anticipation, except for one.

"What, pray tell, are these strategies then?" the wolf asked sardonically.

Robin just smirked in response. "I was afraid you'd never ask. So there are a number of strengths you can play to if you wish to get on people's good side. Some of them are extremely simple: for one, be positive! Be happy, be uplifting, be a can-doer and a go-getter. Light up the room and make everyone around you feel better! On a similar note, some people find great success in drawing people in just by being funny! Make people laugh, and they'll enjoy your company enough to seek it out. Some are more about the mortal element: master empathy. Figure out how to relate to anybody and everybody and how to be trustworthy and available for them to be their true, unapologetic selves around you. Truly care about the people around you and make it clear, and others will care about you in return. The opposite is also a key strategy: be your own true, unapologetic self. Be the person who has the guts to say something even if it's risky because you believe it and you believe it needs to be said. And… the last one I can think of off the top of my head… not to boast, but I'm sure many people in this city would say this is my personal strong suit: inspire people with your conviction. Stand for something, fight for something, believe in something… and others will follow. It's astounding how many people in this life seek to follow rather than lead, but since that is the case, people are always on the lookout for someone who can show them the way to the promised land. That's why the few politicians who seem to believe what they're preaching are always the most magnetic - even, as much as it pains me to say, Ronald Reagan as a great example." He clapped his paws together. "Are any of these standing out to you so far, lads?"

Eddy raised his hand.

"Yes, Eddy?"

In retrospect, the kit's question might have been obvious: "Yeah, these make sense, but what about, just… y'know, being cool? Like… like James Dean and shit. I mean, I ain't, like, one of those weirdos who watches movies from the 1800s, but… I know of James Dean! He was like the poster boy for being cool as a fuckin' cucumber. I don't think he was any of those things you said… or, shit, was he?"

Robin smiled a genuine smile, happy that his pupil was putting actual deep thought into this. "That's actually a brilliant question, young man. In my estimation, figures like him fall under the Authentic umbrella with a touch of Inspiring Conviction. Because quintessential 'cool guys' like him, who were they? They were lads who did things their own way and didn't give a damn what anybody else might think. Independent. Untamable. Literally the original Rebel Without a Cause. And a lot of what led to a genuine cool demeanor was, unfortunately, going through and overcoming trauma - luckily, not everybody has to suffer to become what's traditionally considered 'cool', but that's why you see a lot of people trying and failing to look cool: if they have to try that hard, it's just not in them. So-"

"Unlike you?" Double-D snarked bitterly.

Robin was unfazed. "Actually, as I was about to say, if traditionally cool isn't in the cards for you… the coolest thing you can do is take whatever your uncool authentic self is… and be that so hard that it becomes cool, just by how bravely and unapologetically you you are! Eddward, I'm into archery and I live in the woods for fuck's sake, I'm not traditionally 'cool'! And I care about politics, that's never been cool! As I said, boys, confidence is everything."

"You also said it was cool to stand up for shit and lead people to the promised land or something!" Eddy protested suddenly. "So which is it, is it cool to believe in things or not!?"

Robin put his paw on his forehead, closed his eyes, turned his face down and shook his head. "My, my, my…" he tutted, still smiling but sounding exhausted already. "We're getting so far off-course-"

"Boys, let him speak," Johnny cut in.

"Thank you, Johnny, but I'd actually prefer they ask questions over keeping their curiosity bottled up - I just didn't think they'd have so many questions! But… okay… back on topic! So as I was hoping to get to, Eddy… there's a right way and a wrong way to try all the ideas I mentioned earlier. Having conviction in an idea? Well, you don't want to have conviction in an unappealing idea, that would do you no good - and even if your idea is something everybody can agree on, it won't get you very far if you're simply obnoxious about it, like a lot of politically-minded people seem to be. Want to be a shining beacon of optimism? Okay, but don't overdo it and seem fake, and have an off switch for when beaming isn't appropriate. Similarly, if you want to turn yourself into a comedian, know when to back off the jokes when they're not welcome - and for the love of God, don't become one of those people who constantly cracks jokes that only you find funny and everybody else just finds annoying. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you seek to make yourself the ultimate empath, don't lose the ability to talk about things other than feelings or people might think you're no fun at parties! And if you insist on trying to be Mister Authenticity… you'll notice there's a fine line between the man who's not afraid to say what he thinks needs to be said, and the man who pisses everybody off by saying whatever rude and mean-spirited thing crosses his mind with no filter. Do you see my point?"

They nodded. No snappy comebacks this time around.

"Very well. And I remind you that not all of these are going to suit each of you. You've all come here seeking my advice on this topic, but even I can't attest to excelling in all these avenues. Being a contagious optimist? Oh, I have that down-pat! Being empathetic? Well, I'm out here sacrificing my life for the poor, I'd like to imagine I'm good at that one! Being an inspiring leader with firm beliefs? Ahem… that's kind of my thing. But being funny?" He put his paws together and looked serious for a moment. "I honestly don't see myself as that funny of a person. I have my moments of making people laugh, surely, but don't most people? I'm not funny that consistently, I tried stand-up at an open mic in university and it went horribly, and if I had to choose one or the other, I'd rather be genuine than full of clever remarks. And being authentic?" He shrugged with his eyes cast down; this was about to get a little personal. "In some ways, absolutely that's me, because I don't fear living my life the way I see fit. Yet sometimes I wonder if this 'true self' of mine is just some composite of the real and fictional adventurers who came before me, and I wonder how much of that is me and how much of that is me seeking to be somebody else. And can I say something that I think is true and needs to be said, even if it's hurtful? Well…" He used the classic trick of looking between their heads so none of them would realize he was avoiding eye contact. "...I can and I have… but sometimes something is just too risky and even I'm lacking the courage to say it."

(Don't we know it, Dear Reader? No, we haven't forgotten about that, Robin was just dragging ass about actually sharing that secret with anyone who deserved to know, and he had no intentions at this juncture of getting a move-on. If anything, he was regretting even telling Tuck.)

"Well I think it was brave of you to say that," Johnny said with an encouraging smile of his own, blissfully ignorant of the fact that Robin had said that brave statement about being cowardly while thinking about how he was pusillanimously withholding such vital information from him, himself, "Little" John Little.

Nevertheless, that got the fox smiling again. "And I appreciate that, Johnny. And I hope you all should be so fortunate as to find people to surround yourselves with who will respect you for being vulnerable rather than mock you for it like so many people will. But that was a bit of a gloomy subject, so why don't we switch to something sunnier? Ah, I can't be giving this lesson unless I practice what I preach, now can I!? Hrmmm…" He put his hands together with his index fingers up against his mouth as he pondered the next thing to say. "And perhaps, if it's unclear, I should explain why these ideas even work: they work because they make the other person feel good, not just you. That's the key in all of these paths. Whether it's having an infectious smile, or a sense of humor that never fails to get people enjoying their lives again, or providing a reliable shoulder to cry upon, or being so authentic that they trust you would never lie to them, or… or simply representing their hope and faith in something they believe in - and sod it, maybe Eddy's right, maybe there's some sixth way just by being so cool that people feel cooler by being around you - but in the end, these methods succeed or fail on how well you can make the people around you feel better for being around you… all with the undercurrent of it being so clear that you believe in yourself that others will feel confident in believing in you, too. And you may well discover a seventh or eighth or ninth way to reliably draw people into you now that you know that all that matters is that people feel better around you than they would alone. That's why there's plenty of people who might seem what we'd call 'cool' but they simply aren't… shall we say… magnetic: because they're clearly only concerned with their own image and nobody feels drawn to them because they realize they'd gain nothing by having this self-serving person in their life! Am I making sense?"

The four nodded tepidly, but Eddy raised his hand nonetheless.

"I can kinda see how that works, but that still doesn't explain… um… alright, so there's this guy we know… I might have told you guys about this guy before, I don't remember… we don't fuckin' like him because he's an asshole who kicks our asses for no good fucking reason, but everyone else on the goddamn block is in love with the guy! We know he doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself, so why does everyone else want him around? Is it like what we talked about earlier, he's just so goddamn cool that he breaks the fucking code!?"

Notably, now that Eddy had invoked this antagonistic figure, Ed seemed worried and Edd seemed inwardly annoyed.

"So this guy's a bully, basically?" asked Little John, also displeased to hear of another charismatic asshole walking this earth.

Eddy pondered that diction for a second. "I mean… I don't like using that word because I always feel like such a little bitch saying 'yeah, he bullies me,' it sounds like a little kid crying about someone stealing their toys, but… yeah, that's basically what he is."

Robin was quiet as he pondered how to answer what was a genuinely tough question. He was no stranger to the archetype, but it hadn't crossed his mind that he'd have to debunk why that wasn't the best kind of person to be in this life.

"Are we talking about Kevin!?" Ed asked in what seemed like an attempt at whispering, like he was uttering the forbidden name of a legendary monster, but his heavy voice carried his words at full volume anyway.

The little fox rolled his eyes. "Yes, Ed, we are."

And the big cub started wigging out. "KEVIN! Kevin is mean to us! Why, Mister Robin!? Why does everyone like Kevin when he's mean and Ed and Edd and Eddy are nice!?"

"I will confess," the wolf cut in, "my prior experience with Kevin as well as numerous… other 'magnetic' malcontents has had me sitting here privately thinking that there is a very large hole in what you're teaching us, Mr. Hood."

The teacher did indeed find fielding this question to be a challenge, but it was a challenge he was up for.

"Alright… I have a few thoughts on this. First of all, lads, let's be clear here: is it possible that he's implementing these strategies to win over everybody except for a select few he dislikes - in this case being you?"

The Eds looked at one another, then back at Robin, nodding at different places.

"His girlfriend definitely thinks he's a sweetheart," Eddy grumbled.

Robin nodded. This made sense. Of course, he had no way of knowing this "Kevin" kid's side of the story, Kevin wasn't here to argue that the three Eds routinely caused chaos in the cul-de-sac and that he saw himself as their street's defender against the real villains, the Eds - and as much as Robin was under the impression that these three were fundamentally good kids, definitely not worthy of regular assault and humiliation, there would be a very real chance that if presented with a well-worded argument that Eddy and company were the real belligerents, he might drop his benefit of the doubt on the spot and use Kevin of an example of how people are drawn to "protector" types. But thankfully Robin didn't have enough information to draw such a grim conclusion.

"Well, that seems to explain it," he said instead. "Unfortunately some cruel individuals know they have these powers for evil, building a cult of personality around themselves while being openly hostile toward anybody they don't like."

"Is that so far off from what you're doing?" Double-D challenged. "Yes, I agree your reasons for doing so are much more noble, but rallying an entire city's struggling classes against the power that oppresses them? Is it not fundamentally the same thing?"

"Oh, Jesus Christ, kid," Johnny muttered, "I thought we went over why we weren't the bad guys-"

"No, no, Johnny, I welcome him asking the hard questions! And Eddward, you have a point. But as you said, it really does come down to your mortal understanding that what we're doing is good and what this Kevin chap is doing is evil. And to further drive the point home… we punch up, this Kevin seems to be punching down. In life as in comedy: never punch down, lads. Is that a satisfactory answer?"

But Double-D was giving it some thought before answering. "I… suppose there's an argument to be made that someone like you and someone like the other charismatic bullies in my life doing the same things but with good rather than evil in your heart is enough of a distinction to draw. And you don't seem to belittle your followers, unlike what Kevin frequently does to this koala he finds annoying and this rabbit he views as pathetic."

"Ah, so he does, does he?"

"Yup," answered Eddy. "So why do Jimmy and Jonny still like him then-?"

"What about me?" asked Johnny with an H.

"Not you, this… koala we know."

Little John just shrugged. "Because my name just ain't common enough, right? ...Wait, was this the same koala kid who told me and Rob to get a room when we left Wolfie's house!?"

"That sounds like him," Eddy said, rolling his eyes.

"But Eddy," continued the teacher, "do I understand your question as why do they still follow Kevin if he isn't always kind to them?"

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Hrm…" Robin thought that through for a moment before stepping forward and beginning to draw a diamond in the sand with his foot. "Alright, lads, come look at this. This is nothing I've been personally taught, just a theory of mine. Johnny, I'm fairly certain I've shared this with you before, but I want you to see this too."

The four leaned in to see the dirt diamond.

"Top right edge represents activeness; bottom left, passiveness," he explained as he pointed with his shoe. "Then top left is good while bottom right… is evil. Now…" He drew circles at the left and right points on the diamond. "...here we have nice… and bad. Nice is at the extremes of good but passive, while bad is where evil but active meet. Now there exists this misconception amongst men and women alike that women prefer 'bad' guys over 'nice' guys. And you know what? If only given those two options… they very well might! Because a nice guy will be passively nice; he'll be kind when it's convenient for him, but he doesn't go out of his way to make the world a better place. In other words, he's off sitting on the sidelines. Meanwhile, the bad guy might be making the world a worse place… but he's still affecting the world around him. He's out doing things. Sad fact that most - not all, but most - people will be more inspired by the person out doing bad things than the person with good intentions but doing nothing at all. And I don't just mean romantically, people in general are more drawn to active and bad over passive and good. However! Most people don't realize… there are more options!"

The others leaned in closer as Robin drew another circle at the bottom of the diamond. They were fascinated; some were showing it more than others, but they were clearly all enthralled.

"Here we have - oh, what shall I call them? - jerks. Or dicks if you feel so inclined. They're both mean-spirited and passive; they'll lazily meander through life complaining about things and making people feel bad, but for the most part you can ignore them if you wish because they rarely actually have any sort of sway in the world, and knowing that makes them all the more miserable. While there are certainly people who prefer passive nice guys over active bad guys, very few people prefer the company of jerks. But the position I'm hoping to get you lads to - the spot I strive to occupy myself - is right here atop the mountain…" And he filled in a circle on the last remaining corner. "Both active and good. We can call these 'good' guys for simplicity's sake, but I like to privately refer to this corner as… heroes."

He leaned in himself to catch the quartet's eyes and get them looking at him.

"If the only two options are a nice guy and a bad guy, then yes, men and women alike will prefer to seek the company of the bad guy, as activeness is a more attractive quality - romantically or otherwise - than simply being nice with no drive. But because this cynical world refuses to believe in heroes, we all often fail to realize that there exists an option better than either of them: a truly good man. (Or woman, ah, you know what I mean!) Heroes exist, lads, but they're admittedly so rare that we often find ourselves thinking the left and right corners of the diamond are our only options of who we can be in this life! That's why it's important to not only strive to be good men, but to inspire others to believe not only in truly good people but to believe that they themselves can be good people as well! And if you're a truly good man - I dare say, heroic - then you frankly should have no issue with the second part." He backed off the doodle he'd made so his audience could see him more in prominence. "Thus I encourage you, boys, don't let villains like Kevin deceive you into thinking that mammals prefer bad over good - they may prefer bad over nice, but when good is an option, all but the most depraved among us will follow the path of true, inspiring good. This Kevin lad might be top dog in your neighborhood simply because he's the closest to a strong leader any of them have found yet and nobody's come along to provide a superior alternative; and to that I say, with a little bit of luck… that will be where you lot come in! Sound good!?"

"I personally think that makes an annoying amount of sense," quipped Johnny.

"Tell me about it," Eddy grumbled, "was that the answer this whole time!?"

"I should only hope the world soon discovers this theory of yours so it may sooner become a more tolerable place to live," said Double-D, still seeming more cynical than not but certainly less so than before.

"Pretty diamond!" was all Ed said.

"Ah, Ed, my man," Johnny leaned over past the kit and the pup to give the cub a firm pat or two on the shoulder. "Never change."

"Even though the entire point of this little… whatever the hell this is," Eddy remarked, "is that we can change ourselves and not be losers anymore."

"Aw, listen here, ya cynical little shit," Johnny sneered, "people can get better at shit without fundamentally changing who they are, don't you know that? I mean, not everybody can, some people are just terrible to their core, but Ed here ain't one a' those people! He's a good dude, he can get to be better at having normal conversations without hitting the fuckin' reset button on who he is!" The older bear turned to the younger bear. "Ain't that right, bud?"

But much to his surprise, Ed didn't look like he'd taken that as a compliment.

"...You think I need to be more normal?" Ed didn't look like he was about to start bawling, but he did look a bit heartbroken that this new guy he thought he could trust felt there was something wrong with him.

And Johnny saw that look and immediately felt some regret for causing it, but as he felt the foxes and wolf looking on at him in awkward anticipation of what he'd say next, the bear knew what he needed to say.

"Hm… sometimes… you do have to be a little more normal and know how to not weird people out. Not all the time, but sometimes. And I'm telling you that because… goddammit, I care about ya, kid. You remind me of myself, and I seriously coulda used some help fitting in when I was a kid, but nobody cared to help me then and… man, I gotta do what I can to be better than those who came before me, y'know?"

Ed still looked faintly downtrodden, but… maybe a little less so? He was staring off into space with a contemplative expression.

"Well I for one think that was very well-put, Little John," said Robin.

"It was nicer than how my mom and dad say it," said Ed morosely.

"What was that?"

"His parents don't like him because they think he's too weird for them," Eddy said nonchalantly.

"They what!?" demanded Johnny. "They don't like him?"

"They always say I should be more normal like my sister and them," Ed moped.

"Suffice it to say," added Double-D, still looking disinterested, "Mr. and Mrs. Browne very much subscribe to the 'tough love' philosophy of parenting."

There were a lot of things the two adults wanted to say; that style of parenting is old-fashioned and obsolete and they should know it, or we oughta knock his dad's teeth in and greatly inconvenience his mom to the fullest extent a gentleman can exact vengeance upon a lady, or even well, okay, they kind of have a point, but they're being shitty about it. But cooler heads prevailed and the bear and fox simply said, respectively:

"I don't like that they make you feel that way."

"Neither do I."

"And I'm sorry if I struck a nerve by saying something like that," Little John continued.

Ed, however, seemed at peace. "You're a lot nicer to me than they are, though, so I don't think you're just saying it because you don't like me."

"You know what?" Johnny said as he stood up off the ground. "You're right. I do care about you. We care about you. Ain't that right, guys?" He sat himself down again next to the cub and gave him a side-hug. "C'mon. We're here to help you be the best man you can be, kid. And we aren't just gonna tell you what to do, we're gonna show you how to do it so you can learn! And we wouldn't be doing that if we didn't care, y'know? You with me here? You believe what I'm sayin'?"

Ed kept staring around the area at nothing in particular, but after a time he made eye contact with Little John: "...Yeah."

"You believe me!?" Johnny's eyes lit up like he'd just seen a Christmas miracle.

"Yeah…" But Ed's mind was elsewhere as he put his arms around the older bear. "I wish my dad still hugged me, I have to make him hug me now."

And any aww to that moment was ruined by that alarming statement.

"Well maybe if we ever meet your dad, we can knock some sense into him and maybe then he'll finally appreciate you," Johnny replied, trying not to seethe.

"Indeed," Robin muttered as he looked at the other Eds; Eddy was in that teenage phase where he didn't want to hug either of his parents and thought of the concept as babyish, and Edd was in a funk where he didn't want physical contact from anyone. They didn't look allergic to the show of affection, but they didn't look interested in it, either. Hence the teacher thought this would be a good place to adjourn the lesson.

"Well, I think this is a pleasant not to end it on-"

"Wait, is that really it?" Eddy asked, perking up suddenly. "'Cuz it seemed like you were gonna say more."

"...Well I was, but it seems like this is a good stopping point-"

"Naw, man, I wanna hear all the answers now!" Eddy protested. "I've waited this long, don't make me wait any longer for the rest! That's like… you don't give us part of it and then hold out on the rest for a week when you know people are waiting, that's fucking bogus! Nobody likes fucking cliffhangers!"

Robin just stared back at him blankly, not sure what to say.

"I actually agree with him on this," said Johnny. "I mean, when's the next time we're gonna be able to get the five of us all together like this?"

"And because I don't know whether I'll ever care to use these strategies, let alone succeed in implementing them," Double-D mumbled, "I'd much rather we get this over and done with."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "If you really aren't that interested in this topic, Eddward, you're free to leave-"

"No, no, you insisted that I share in this with you, the polite thing would be to hear you out," Edd said before shrugging. "You've already convinced me there may be some subtle but significant differences between yourself and those who have used their allure against innocents like me, so you may yet surprise me further."

Not even Robin could decipher how genuine and how sarcastic that response was, but it made sense. "Right then. I'll get to the end, but I'll pick up the pace a bit. All I have left anyway were a bunch of odds and ends that I couldn't string together into the presentation yet. Is that good?"

The crowd nodded. Time for the lightning round.

"Alright, last thing we were talking about was making people feel good. That said… flattery. Flattery is a big no-no. You see-"

"Oh, how are we supposed to talk people up if we don't flatter them!?" demanded Eddy. "That doesn't make any freakin' sense!"

Robin didn't let the rude interruption kill his smile. "...As I was about to say, Eddy, there's compliments and then there's flattery. Flattery comes across as insincere and excessive, and will make you come across as insincere and excessive, often like you're trying to butter someone up for your own gains. Compliments, on the other hand, are genuine. As a rule of thumb, if you find yourself struggling to find something to compliment somebody about for the sake of making yourself look complimentary, you're probably forcing it. I admit this is a tough one to get a good handle on, but trust me, you'll start to get a feel for the subtle differences between the two, and it will become a sort of 'you'll know it when you see it' sort of thing. But you might not even have to play any such cards at all if you're good at another key component: listening. Now… are you all listening?"

Three of them nodded.

"And you, Ed?"

Johnny patted Ed on the back and he came back to attention.

"Sorry!" Ed yelped. "I wasn't listening!"

"And you're apologizing because you understand not being listened to would make me feel bad, correct?"

"...Yeah?"

"And you know it would make me feel good to be listened to, yes?"

"...Uh… yeah?"

"And there you have it! Compliments are nice, but a very important part of making people feel good around you - and therefore feel drawn to you - is simply by showing that you think they're interesting enough to have your full attention. That gets people feeling good much more effectively than mentioning that you like their shoes! Social interaction is a two-way street, and truly, lads, a large part of what people call 'charisma' has nothing to do with talking, but listening. Don't let your mind wander off into space - as they say, if you want to be a compelling presence… you have to be present! Are you with us there, Ed, my boy?"

Ed snapped to attention. "Uh - yeah! Ed is present!"

"Excellent. Happy to have you, lad. Here's a tip, boys: very, very few people are truly uninteresting. It's tempting to walk past somebody on the street and think in your subconscious mind that they're just an empty vessel, just a living prop in the story of your life, but I assure you, each and every one of those people has a story to tell, and they're all the heroes of those stories. You can't fake interest in someone, but if you have the mindset that everybody's interesting on some level, you'll never need to fake it! So seek out these people's stories, lads, with an intense interest, and don't let that interest wane until you know what's so interesting about them! You won't regret it."

"Isn't that a severe social faux-pas?" Double-D interrogated. "I cannot imagine that going up to a stranger and prodding them for their life story would go over well."

Robin answered with a friendly scoff. "Well of course don't just waltz up to people and bug them for their personal saga, Eddward! Use all the tips and tricks I gave you to wean it out of them!"

"And if they just don't wanna talk?" asked Johnny.

"Either use the tips to break their hearts of stone… or decide that they're too cold to be worth the effort, like I did with the dentist earlier. Good question though."

"I'm still sitting here wondering if you really mean to tell us that you ain't ever met somebody who's more boring than watching paint dry in a library?" snarked Eddy.

Robin gave him a sneer in return. "I've met people who refuse to let down their walls, or who I don't have the time to get to know as well as I'd like. But I don't think I've ever felt like I've come to know somebody inside and out and found absolutely no intriguing or redeeming qualities within them. And if you borrow my attitude, you never will!" He clapped his paws together again to signify a significant tonal shift. "That all said, we're now getting into things where we actually do have to be a bit self-critical. As much as it is important to show interest in others to get them to like you… there's no way around it, you need to be interesting yourself! Yes, I know that I just went on that whole tangent that everybody's interesting, but the fact that I had to teach you that proves that not many people realize that, and unfortunately, if you don't wear whatever makes you interesting on your sleeve and make it hard for others to discover what that is… you could do everything else right and the other person simply won't care, sorry to say."

"Okay, fair enough," said Little John, "but being interesting could mean a million different things, so how do you recommend we make ourselves look interesting?"

"Excellent point! The simple answer is this: do interesting things. Have an interesting line of work if you're so lucky, otherwise have an interesting hobby or passion. Or just a unique perspective on life. And this goes right back again… to confidence. Own whatever it is about you that makes you unique! And if you're not doing something interesting, tell people the interesting things you want to be doing and the interesting ways you plan on getting there. Or if you really, truly have nothing of note going for you in your life, at least be an interesting loser! Again, I can't stress this enough, it all comes back to confidence and belief in the product you're selling - which is yourself!"

He looked around to see their faces and to see that they understood. It certainly looked like they did. He was good to continue.

"Another tricky thing that you'll get used to in time: take yourself the right amount of seriously. Nobody likes that arsehole who takes themselves way too seriously and thinks every breath they take is important to world history… but if you don't take your own life seriously at all, then your life will crumble apart. And nobody's drawn to the person who doesn't have their life together - there it is again, even if your life isn't in a respectable place, show what respectable things you're doing to get there. So take yourself seriously enough that you can keep your wheels turning and do interesting things, but don't be so uptight that you can't laugh at yourself. Hey, here's a tip: self-deprecating jokes work wonders! Be careful not to make jokes about things you're actually insecure about - and we all have those things, don't pretend you don't - or people might invite themselves to make jokes about those things about you as well. Oh, and while I'm at it: poking fun at people. Be very careful with this! Feel it out, read the room, and save it for people you're sure can not only handle it, but can appreciate that sense of humor… Am I talking too fast?"

"Is there more?" asked Eddy impatiently.

"...Well of course there's more-"

"Then get on with it!"

Well, if nothing else, that was an inspiration. "I'll tell you right now, lad, an attitude like that won't win people over. In fact, let's talk about body language! It's a tad ridiculous, but our silly animal minds really do read deeply into subtle features, so it's up to us to know the rules to beat the game. First thing: smiling! I know, I know, you lads are teenagers and smiling is considered gay, but I assure you, people are more drawn to a smile than a scowl. You might be conjuring images of the quintessential 'bad boy' again walking about with a constant glare even towards the birds he wants to shag, but I promise you, either that guy is doing something else right like we mentioned with that Kevin chap, or - more likely - they're attracting a very immature type of people. Eddward!"

The wolf's attention was captured.

"Why aren't you smiling, my good man?"

Edd shrugged. "I suppose I don't have much of a stimulus to inspire a smile at the moment-"

"Eddward, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I mean it: smile anyway. It'll work wonders. Ed?"

The bear displayed a toothy grin.

"...Ed, you know we love you, but that smile seems a tad exaggerated at best and… some more, er, prejudiced individuals might not like seeing a bear smiling with all their teeth visible."

Ed bashfully returned to a slightly disappointed look.

"Ah, no need to stop smiling altogether now! Just keep it natural! Eddy?"

The fox put on a smirk like he was trying to woo a lady.

"Eddy, that also looks greatly exaggerated like you want us to desperately see you as some sort of badass. C'mon, lads, like I said earlier, don't be someone you're not, a smile like you're happy to be alive - which you should be - will suffice!"

"Are you saying I don't look like I'm capable of being a badass!?" Eddy, of course, had it in his head that the giant vulpine was saying the kit looked too short and stumpy to play the hero.

"Naw, kid, we're saying you're not a badass yet," Johnny explained. "That's what we're trying to teach you here."

"Thank you, Johnny," said Robin.

Eddy responded by simply crossing his arms and pouting.

"And that's another thing! Crossed arms! Sounds silly, but that signals to our brains that the person with crossed arms is closed-off and defensive! If you want people to be open to you, you have to look like you're open yourself, right down to literally open body language. Don't know where to put your arms? Hands on your hips is never a bad option. And if it ever makes sense to pose this way, try having your arms out like you're welcoming anyone who sees you…" He demonstrated by putting his own arms out in front of him, splayed to the sides a bit, palms of his paws up and out. "...like so!"

"Jesus, they taught you this in a class?" Johnny remarked, knowing the answer but still hardly believing it.

"A class on being classy. Oh! And speaking of being classy-"

"Is this about my dad?" Eddy muttered.

"Eh, perhaps a bit, but not exactly. So moving on from body language, verbal language! This one will be another tough one, and as someone who grew up… among working-class people, I know that this is just a way of life, but I encourage you lads: be gentle with the profanity! Yes, of course, there are some situations where you'll sound mad if you don't use the F word, but in everyday speech? With people you've just met? Not only does swearing make you sound unclassy, but while our conscious minds might understand that these are just sounds and syllables… our culture has made those words so taboo that using them in the wrong context can make you sound hostile!"

"Are people really that afraid of swears?" Eddy scoffed.

"Yes," Robin answered with the utmost sincerity, "yes they are. And with all the due respect, I think this may be a problem most relevant to you, aaand…" He extended a hand towards his closest friend, hoping he wouldn't take it as an attack.

"Who, me?" asked you-know-who.

"Well, Johnny, you do swear more than most people I've met."

"Oh, I swear the normal amount! You just don't realize it because you're used to living in prim-and-proper England where everyone was too polite to swear."

And Robin openly laughed at the thought. "Oh, Johnny, I love you, old boy, but you do not know real English people if you think we don't swear like sailors - and we're a bloody island country, of course we swear like sailors because we're all fucking sailors!" The Briton laughed at his own joke, but quickly trailed off to make his point: "The average Englishman swears plenty, Johnny, and could probably give you a run for your money - but you'd likely still have them beat!"

"Well, hey, man, like you said, for a lot of people, that's just how we talk!"

"I know, Johnny, but I'm just saying… - Er, I say this as your friend… could you recite the alphabet for us?"

The bear's jaw hung open a little as his face screwed up. "Why?"

"Humor me, Johnny."

Little John rolled his eyes, shook his head, and began singing a tune we all know: "Ay, bee, cee, dee, ee, ef, gee -"

"No, no, Johnny. You can't sing it."

Another scrunched-up face. "Why not?"

"Because it's cheating, it's too easy!"

Another halfway eye-roll, but Little John played along. "A… B… C, D… E… fuckin', G-"

"AHP!" Robin blurted out, trying to suppress a chuckle. "You said another naughty word, Johnny!"

Eddy was laughing, too. "And you forgot the letter F!"

The subject of this ridicule was understandably displeased with being made fun of. "Well there's a letter F in the word fucking, just like the word fuck you!"

"That's two words!" giggled - oddly, of all people - Ed.

The older bear just threw his arms in the air. "Goddammit, Rob, why're ya tryna make me look stupid in front of the kids!? Wasn't that one a' yer fuckin' rules, don't make mean jokes? Or do you just expect me to take it on the chin after all this time!?"

And the full and honest truth was that Robin did think at the time that Little John would just roll with it, but the fox could reflect on it and agree that he should have known that making his friend look foolish would have been a low blow. "Ah, you're right, old boy, I ought to better practice what I preach. You see lads, perfect example, if you try to make yourselves into a funny man, it'll be all too tempting to make mean-spirited jokes that might be hilarious, but while they'll get some people liking you, it will surely alienate others. And if you're not careful with your tongue, you may just alienate everyone!"

"Hey, Rob," Johnny piped up suddenly.

"Yes, sir?"

"What's the last letter of the American English alphabet?"

Robin cocked his head, feeling like this was a lead-on to something but unable to figure out what. He trusted this was benign, though, so he kept smiling and simply answered, "...Zed."

Then Johnny started laughing. And Ed and Eddy looked perplexed by his answer while Double-D gave a knowing nod with his bored expression.

...Then Robin got it. "Oh! Wait, goddammit -!"

"HA!" Little John said as he stood up and pointed down at the Englishman. "I specifically said American English, it's zee, bitch! You ain't on Tea Party Island anymore, motherfucker, you're in Burgerland now!"

Robin couldn't do anything but shake his head and chuckle. "Ah, you got me there! There you go, boys: sometimes I can be overconfident myself and forget that I'm not playing on home turf. But you know what?" One last handclap to signify his last major point. "Perfect transition to how I want to wrap this up. Because in the end, I need you boys to know this: even if you're doing everything right, these things still won't work all the time. You'll still slip up from time to time, and that's okay. And what works for one of you won't work for someone else, and what works on one person won't work on another. Different people are simply different. If you encounter someone who can somehow manage to make everybody adore them like a cult leader, then you may be dealing with an actual clinical sociopath."

"Like you?" the wolf quipped with what was certainly more bitterness than jest.

But again, this charming fox just played it off. "Well if this country cared enough to provide healthcare, then perhaps I'd be able to get a professional's opinion on the matter, eh? But even beyond those pathologically driven to enchant people…" He seemed to get a tad somber again. "...I'll lay a harsh truth upon you lads, some people simply find this easier than others. Look at people fortunate enough to be born conventionally physically attractive. It's bloody shameful that our animal brains care this much about things we can't control, but because we're stupid animals who think good-looking people are more fit to survive and therefore worth keeping around, the task of drawing attention to oneself is already mostly done for men born handsome and women born beautiful."

"So again…" This time it was Johnny with the annoyed remark. "...like you."

Rob knew that one was coming. "...So I'm aware that you may think that… and that a lot of others do as well… and I'm cognizant of the fact that I ought to feel honored and lucky to have many people think that way of me that way… but do I think of myself that way? In complete seriousness, it genuinely depends on my mood. Truly it does. Some days I see my reflection and I think I've got a pretty dashing face, other days… I have to wonder why it is that despite my stature I can pass for a vixen when I'm disguised in drag! Sometimes I see my reflection and I'm grateful to be in good shape, some days… I have to wonder, how are people impressed by my looks when I'm as skinny as a bloody rail!? Am I stronger than most foxes? I'd fucking better be, I'm twice the size of one! And even then… my God, Eddy, does your father frequent the gym?"

"Uh… kinda?" said Terry's son. "I mean, he has workout equipment in our basement-"

"That explains it. Even with the reach advantage, I wouldn't overestimate my chances against old Terry if we went fisticuffs. And there are also days when I'm glad to command attention as tall as I am for a fox - Eddy, I see you there in my periphery glaring at me, you know I didn't mean that as an attack so I'm not going to return your gaze! - but other days, I… I have to wonder, am I so tall and slender that it's far past the point of being an attractive quality and just something that makes me… a monster?"

It took a lot of courage, but Robin said the M word that he so deeply associated with the man who gave him his telltale height. He needed to prove to these four that he really wasn't some endless well of confidence devoid of insecurities himself - and that, therefore, because he was no unbelievable hero, they could be just like him.

And right on cue, Eddy asked the magic question: "How do we know you're not just making all this shit up about not thinking you're hot so we'll feel better about ourselves?"

"I wasn't gonna say nothin', but I was kinda wondering the same thing," said Johnny, who did faintly know that there was some truth to this charming fox's claims of not totally loving his looks, but - because of the shame Robin associated with vulnerability - the bear didn't know how deep they went, especially not the part where Robin detested how much his physical appearance made him feel like a clone of his loathsome father.

But Robin was okay with that. "Well, lads, if I were a textbook sociopath, I wouldn't be telling you anything unflattering about myself, now would I?" (Probably not totally accurate, but his pupils bought it.) "And I didn't even get into the ridiculous conundrum that even despite my absurd size I'm still considered tiny outside of certain small circles! Figure that one out! But enough about me… hrmmm… far be it from me to judge a trio of teenage boys on their appearance, but I'll tell you right now, none of you are ugly."

He looked out at his students, and while they weren't ecstatic to be told that their appearances weren't sinfully bad, they did seem to be perked up a little by the hope the fox presented. (Though modern Robin confesses in retrospect that he made eye contact with everybody as he said that… except for Ed, to whom he honestly thought the 'you're not ugly' statement did not apply, but also thought Ed was the least likely to mind. Ed had already left our group interview about this day by this point, but Johnny understandably got angry at Robin on Ed's behalf, and modern Robin wishes to apologize for being bogus.)

"That said… because so few of us are, and I don't think of myself as one either… I don't think any of you are supermodel attractive, either," said the one who had once been paid to model (naked). "But don't give up on this front. Fashion and beautification aren't just for women, gentlemen. Good grooming and a good wardrobe can considerably close the gap that the graced among us have over us." He assessed his soldiers. "Eddward… you are a very, very intelligent young man and you've shown yourself to be highly empathetic and provided a thoughtful challenge against our way of life which - although I remain unconvinced - was most certainly a better argument than we've ever heard from any adult and one Johnny and I really had to think to counter; I say this because it surprises me that you dress so plainly while even Eddy has a nice collared shirt and Ed has a nice overshirt/undershirt combination going on. I say this as someone trying to help you."

Whoop-dee-doo, Double-D looked disgusted by this observation. "You do realize this is my informal summer attire, don't you? I dress much more properly on school days -"

"Yeah," Johnny cut in, "but the fact of the matter is you're still wearing a plain t-shirt with a beanie that you'd more associate with thugs than with goodie-two-shoes kids." He knew this was only going to make things worse, but he thought this anvil needed to be dropped.

"May I remind you that your everyday attire is that ratty old t-shirt!?"

"May I remind you that we're fucking homeless?"

"Mister Johnny said a bad word again!" Ed observed.

"That he did, Ed," Robin said slyly before turning back to Double-D. "Eddward, you know better than us how most others in your life perceive you based on your appearance. If we're completely off, by all means, ignore us. But we just thought it would be better that we make sure you heard our opinion on this even if you've already heard it before than risk you never figuring it out-"

"Because you believe your opinions to be just that important?"

"...because we surely aren't the only ones who think that way." Robin turned and smiled at Johnny. "But we really must do something about that old shirt of yours, Johnny darling!"

"Hey, it's more comfortable than that stupid polo you wear!" the bear shot back, smiling nonetheless.

"Oh, whoever said this wasn't comfortable? Maybe the ursine apparel market isn't quite as generous to their consumers, but I've managed to find something that's functional and makes me look good! There's my tip for this, lads: if you want to gain ground against the immaculately beautiful people, find something that strikes the balance. And another thing completely removed from actual social mechanics that gets people's positive attention: sheer demonstrable skill and talent."

"Again," sneered Edd, Eddy, and Johnny altogether in unison, "like you."

"Like you!" Ed threw in half a second later, just for the thrill of being included.

To this, Robin could only shrug coyly. "Well, I don't claim to have been born with it, but one way or another I did wind up with certain strengths that seem to have caught people's attention for the better! Of course, I'm not endlessly skilled at everything, far from it; as much as me girlfriend admired that I wasn't wound up in traditional masculinity, she clearly would have preferred me to be a bit more handy with fixing things around our apartments, Johnny here wanted to go go-karting one time but despite me technically being licensed, I am not a brilliant motorist and the idea of driving that fast scares the daylights out of me - heh, fitting that the guy who messes about with medieval weaponry has no idea how to fix modern appliances or operate a car - and I'll let you in on a little secret, boys, during that legendary party after the archery tournament all those years ago, I actually had the slightest bit of stage fright as here were Johnny and Alan playing a song in part about me while I could barely dance, couldn't really sing, and knew absolutely nothing of playing a musical instrument, so the best I could come up with was looking silly and borrowing a fiddlestick and playing my bow like a -"

"Oh, looking silly my ass!" Johnny snapped, not smiling this time. "Dude, we've been over this! People still remember you doing that because they thought that was hilariously badass!"

And the fox couldn't help but smirk at the roundabout compliment. "Well, boys, it goes to show: oftentimes the only difference between embarrassing and hilarious is confidence!"

"...That's a good fucking line…" Eddy murmured to himself, staring off into space before snapping back to reality. "Wait, you said you felt weird about them singing a song about you."

"Partially about me inasmuch as it relates to my fighting a tyrant, but yes."

"...Does this mean even you don't know what you're supposed to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you?"

Robin laughed out his nose. "So it happens that these last seven years have made that a non-issue because Johnny and I would share a joint birthday celebration on Halloween, so whenever someone's singing to us, we can just be silly and, say, pretend to ballroom dance with one another-"

"You're not helping with the part where they think we're gay, Rob."

"-assuming that we're not celebrating alone and simply getting plastered with nobody to sing to us. But when you're by yourself? Just give warm smiles and eye contact to the people singing to you, and try not to think about how odd it all is. Other than that, I've got nothing! It's just one of those unavoidable awkward moments in life nobody's figured out how to make seem any less awkward - not unlike when a dentist's trying to make small talk with you all while they have their fingers in your mouth!" He giggled a little to himself again and made one last bullet point: "And one more thing that can make a good many people adore you no matter how you act - and this is something that you lot can't accuse me of having, because I actively regard it as evil! - being rich!"

"Oh, for the love of -!" Johnny scoffed before finding a more eloquent wording for his protest. "Listen, Mister Guy-Who-Sounds-Like-an-Old-Fucking-English-Aristocrat, the only reason you're teaching us this stuff is because you had a rich daddy who sent you to learn all this shit in etiquette school!"

"Well I don't bloody like my rich daddy and I'm specifically using the rich-person skills he taught me against his kind!" Robin shot back with what was a cartoonishly deranged smile, clearly something he was just putting on for a laugh but nevertheless a bit disturbing. "I'll level with you boys, I honestly fear deep down that selfishness and greed are baked into our animalistic DNA, and that my mission is inherently to fight against our nature for something better. How else do you describe the way that so many people in this world see a wealthy person and think of them first as a successful and accomplished individual worthy of awe and not as a miserly bastard hoarding their resources that others need to live!?"

The other four looked… a little scared, honestly. Not that they disagree with anything Robin was saying, but the fox was indeed getting… far more heated over this than they thought an easygoing guy like him was capable of getting. Well, nobody could deny that he was truly passionate about the issue he was working to solve.

But in any case, the teacher could see that he was putting his students off a little, thereby undermining his whole entire point, so he told himself that he'd made his point clear and went to wrap up his little seminar:

"But with this in mind, I want to end by revisiting your acquaintance Kevin, now you've gone and gotten me interested in trying to explain the allure of evil people. So this Kevin… I take it he's good-looking?"

The Eds all winced.

"Good-looking?" Eddy scoffed. "Oh, God, no!"

Robin smiled, feeling a tad silly for asking. "Now, I understand, I don't know what I was expecting asking a bunch of teenage boys if their bully was more attractive than they were -"

"No, seriously," Eddy said flatly, "he doesn't look good. He's got a huge fuckin' chin that'd make Jay Leno blush."

"So perhaps he has an impressive jawline? I know it sounds ridiculous, but apparently strong jawlines really are an attractive quality in men; don't ask me why, though."

"Uh… maybe? But he's not that… built either, he's actually probably on the skinny side."

"And touching on a topic you insisted I pay extra attention to," added Double-D, who I feel the need to keep mentioning still looked grouchy, "his fashion sense certainly leaves something to be desired. A plain long-sleeved shirt isn't the worst wardrobe choice, but surely the backwards hat he always sports would make him look immature."

"And his hair looks dumb!" said Ed, again just happy to be included.

"Maybe they're not just being insecure," Johnny proposed.

And Robin had come to agree with that sentiment. "Alright, so perhaps he's not conventionally handsome… is he talented at something? You said he's skinny, but is he decently athletic?"

"Oh, he probably thinks he is," Eddy growled, "he was our middle school's quarterback, but our school sucked."

"Of course he's a quarterback," Little John grumbled, "of course he is."

"It also seems the other children on our block are enthralled by the silly stunts he performs on his bicycle," said Edd with an eye roll, "as though he's some sort of dashing daredevil."

"We played baseball with him once!" Ed added.

Robin nodded, lips pursed and eyes closed in understanding. "That explains it. Did we ever establish what species this lad is?"

"He's a fuckin' yeen," Eddy muttered.

"...Hrm, I'll warn you, lad, I know you probably didn't intend this, but the way you said that did sound a bit… er, ethnically charged, if we're being honest. So maybe watch your tone and wording in the future, for your own good. But I can imagine that it's probably a boon to his reputation that he can defeat even a grizzly bear…"

Here's the thing, though, Dear Reader: Robin's mind was fully focused on helping these bullying victims try to decipher why their tormentor was so much more popular than them and what they could do to outdo him, so when he heard details such as hyena, bad attitude, backwards hat, plays a sports position that would logically means he's a pretty accurate thrower, named KEVIN… he just didn't put the pieces together. And all the other wacky shit that had happened to him in the last week had made the audio drama of overhearing the hyena boy who had harassed and assaulted them get his ass beat by the Finest seem like very long ago indeed. Same with Johnny, who was presently sitting there seething as he thought about this kid as a bully in a TV show and not a very real kid who they might have encountered themselves. Just literally wasn't adding up in their heads because they didn't realize this was an equation. And for these reasons, Robin had no reason to assume that this hyena was one of those whose ancestors had left the Motherland, and with this in mind, he said something himself that sounded pretty ethnically charged:

"...I imagine that talent must be his it factor, then, because I can't imagine this lad is rich."

(...Jesus Christ, Robin, that was… actually really bad. He wishes to apologize also for making this doubly-ignorant assumption about a hyena. Jesus shittin' Christ, dude…)

"I mean, kinda!" said Eddy. "Like… his mom runs a comedy club downtown and his dad's a manager at the fucking jawbreaker factory-"

"I remember now!" Johnny exclaimed as he attempted to snap his fingers (which he couldn't actually do). "You told us this! His dad works for NoCoCo!"

"I remember, too!" added Robin. "And it's a big moral conflict for you because you still love their candy."

"Damn straight, it's a moral conflict," Eddy hissed.

"I try to tell myself that we're helping pay the wages of all the lowly employees who need a direct deposit," Double-D muttered, "but I'm no fool, I'm sure he's getting more than his fair share."

"Can we rob the jawbreaker factory and give candy to the poor people?" asked Ed innocently.

And Robin and Johnny gave one another a look.

"Rob, that's not a bad idea, actually-"

"We can save it for Christmas or Halloween," Robin said oddly dismissively, "though hopefully we'll have achieved our goal of justice before then. But anyway! So it's settled, this Kevin character is probably so beloved because of some combination of his skills, his access to money and goodies, and his rather selective ability to charm those he chooses to charm using many of the strategies I've described earlier. This all makes him what's called a high-status individual and people are attracted to his status. But now… you know how to use these strategies, too! And with these, you can beat Kevin at his own game, and good may finally triumph over evil! Of course… I can't give you years and years and years of lessons in just one sitting, but I think this is a pretty good foundation for you lads to start with-"

"You mean there's still more?" Eddy demanded, seeming a little agitated but mostly intrigued.

"...Well of course that wasn't it-"

"Well stop holding out, man, tell us the rest!"

But Robin put up a hand to halt the younger fox, still smiling softly but standing his ground. "This has been quite enough for one day. If these tips and tricks really did catch your fancy, I recommend trying to use them before coming back with some specific questions and we can go from there." He turned to the other two Eds. "Eddward, did you get any utility out of this conversation?"

The wolf nodded slowly and unenthusiastically (which I probably didn't need to clarify at this point). "It was interesting to hear from an expert about the philosophy and mechanics behind what we call 'charisma' - but that was a great deal of information altogether at once, and even the quickest learners rarely retain everything they're taught the first time; I certainly won't remember all of that come morning. Perhaps Eddy should have taken notes."

Eddy elbowed Double-D in the ribs; Edd pretended not to feel it.

"Ed, do you feel like you've learned something today?" Robin asked the third child, choosing to simply ignore the brainiac's bad attitude for the time being.

The bear cub simply stared back at the teacher, wondering himself what it was he'd discovered today. "...Ed learned that I need to be somebody else for someone to like me."

"Oh, no the hell you don't," Johnny corrected. "We'll help you become a better version of yourself without having to be someone you're not. I can already tell ya, you're not like me, you weren't born hopeless and you don't have to steal someone else's personality to get people to come around to you."

"Johnny, don't talk about yourself that way, didn't you hear anything I just said about having confidence!?" Robin teased. "But just as Johnny said, Ed, we'll help you figure this out as long as you want to learn. Because I maintain that this isn't just good for getting women to think you're lovely - it really is a life skill!"

Robin had to admit though: all this subtext that these teenage boys wanted to use this to get girlfriends was giving him an idea.

"But that's all I've got for today, lads," Robin continued. (Thank God, I'm getting carpal tunnel here. Oh, don't worry, it was a short conversation, you can include it in its entirety without it being overly long - yeah, no, horsefeathers, poppycock, bullshit.) "Johnny and I still have business to attend to today - class dismissed!"

"Can we come play with you!?" Ed begged.

"Sorry, lad, this is something the adults have to do on their own." And with that, he politely waved them off.

"You have a good evening, gentlemen," the wolf pup said without so much as a hand wave or even eye contact. "Please try not to get yourselves killed, it would break Ed and Eddy's hearts."

"Wait for me, Double-D!" the bear cub hollered as he stood up to join Double-D.

And that left the fox kit. "Well, uh… I guess I gotta get going, then-"

"Not so fast," Robin said slyly. "Mister Teacher would like to see you after class. You seem to have shown more interest in that information than your friends did, Eddy, so for you, I've got a special extracurricular to get you some practice!"

"You do?" asked Little John from the background.

Eddy just looked up at Robin and kept it straight as usual. "I'll be real with you, the way you said that makes it sound like you're about to molest me."

Robin just laughed at that and shook his head before looking back down at Eddy. "Perhaps I should ask to make sure first - once we're settled in your family's spare room, do you think your parents would mind if I brought over a friend?

-IllI-

Still no good news on the Double-D front, unfortunately. Thank God we've made clear by now that this isn't a work of fiction, or his character's arc grinding to a complete halt would probably be the exact opposite of compelling storytelling. Indeed, when Eddy had beckoned him to come out and play Social Skills School, Double-D - who had been in the middle of another day wasted browsing the internet, zigzagging between resources about a cartoon human that filled his head with intrusive thoughts and other web pages that were completely unrelated to his angst but were nevertheless not helping him accomplish anything other than wasting his time - had agreed to go strictly because he knew on a conscious level that he ought to leave the house now and then, and perhaps spend as much time as he could with his friends before they got themselves incarcerated or killed.

Yes, part of the wolf's disinterest in the lecture was rooted in his bitterness towards these individuals who seem to be born as smooth as whipped butter and never appear to have struggled to earn these talents, his distrust of these magnetic figures and the dangerous amount of influence they could exert over others, anger from his own history with such cults of personality who had used their powers to abuse him and lead spellbound armies against him, and just an adolescent sense of defeatism and belief that it was not in his nature to be like these people and that any attempt to try to become so would be foolish at best and evil at worst. That was a partial root of his apathy, to be sure.

But he'd also been distracted by zooming out and wondering about the big picture: how much did any of this matter? So what if Mr. Hood could teach the three of them to be just as charming as he was and use that as a tactic to win even more of the public to their side and mount a charge to scare all the corrupt politicians out of town? Would that actually… work?

Recall, Dear Reader, Double-D had already conceded victory to the troublemakers of this world: he agreed now that their ways of affecting change were not only more spiritually appealing to the world at large but oftentimes more efficient and effective. But that did not mean he'd come to believe that sexy, reckless rebellion was a foolproof strategy, far from it. On this particular day, his overwhelming aura of doom and gloom had actually gotten even worse as he had begun to ponder the possibility that he would soon be living in a world where creating meaningful change, be it through well-behaved or misbehaved means, would simply be impossible for the common man if the powers-that-be just didn't want it to happen.

You see, Dear Reader, before Double-D had been summoned to the junkyard, he had stumbled upon a brand-new website that had just been launched that very day. And now that he was back from the dump, he was back to investigating it. It seemed an odd little page, like a web forum for… everything. Absolutely no subcategories, just one page where it seemed anyone could post anything for anybody to discuss and upvote or downvote, currently with one post linking to the some memo from three years prior about the US and UK agreeing to pretend Saddam had WDMs to justify war, and that post already had a negative ratio. It seemed far too simple, and Double-D could see it going either way: perhaps this simplicity would be its appeal or its refusal to specialize would be its downfall, only time would tell. And while he abhorred stylistic misspellings and thought the name " " was stupid, recent events had reminded him that his personal opinions tended to run contrary to popular sentiment, so perhaps this silly little website had a chance and he was witnessing a key moment of internet history.

And if he was - and he took no pleasure in saying this - those bandits had best be worried. They were pushing their luck against modern technology as it was; if the internet was about to boom as much as Edd foresaw it booming, they wouldn't be able to keep this up for much longer.

This wasn't like the boom from the turn of the last century, a boom based entirely on commerce growing at an unsustainable rate, when any noun in the English language followed by "dot com" was probably a website that was about to pop. That was then, this was different. Now people were getting past the internet being this new novelty and it was starting to feel normal, and with that, it seemed like more people than just computer nerds were starting to take significant portions of their regular lives into cyberspace. And cyberspace wasn't like the outdoors: every bit and byte of it was recorded and traceable.

Perhaps he was overthinking this, but it just seemed like living in a world where the world wide web was ubiquitous in everyday life would have made the Merry Men's antics simply impossible. Especially with these "social networking" websites popping off; a year ago your average person probably didn't know what Myspace was, now it was one of the biggest places on the internet. And there would surely be more like it. One person posts a picture of them or finds out their whereabouts, and suddenly the whole world knows. It could be an enemy of theirs exposing them or simply a supporter who was careless to hide sensitive information, or maybe even something said in private that powerful people might "overhear" - surely the government had already started seeking out computer hackers to dig up dirt on dissidents for them. And what about the way that cell phones were also becoming more affordable and companies were beginning to put more sophisticated online capabilities into those? Were we heading to a world where everybody would willfully be carrying a GPS tracker in their pocket? Even if the duo in the woods eschewed modern conveniences, the world they interacted with every single day did not, and if they didn't blow their own cover in such a world, somebody else would surely do it for them.

If the ruling class had the system rigged so nothing they didn't want to meaningfully change could ever meaningfully change within the confines of polite society, it was beginning to seem that they were beginning to use technological advances to ensure that underground rebellion wouldn't work either. It wouldn't be foolproof, but the odds would sway greatly further in the establishment's favor. And then with all avenues barricaded, there would seem to be no way of improving things ever again come the near future. This country could turn into some dystopian nightmare where everybody was poor, where those unfortunate enough to be born closer to the apocalypse would need to throw away their lives working multiple menial jobs to survive while only having the options to either live with their mommies and daddies like children forever or hovel with half a dozen strangers in a cramped apartment, where everybody was sick but those in power refused to have the mammalian decency to provide remedies unless the patient was willing to pay the physician an exorbitant price, where everybody was stupid but those in power wanted their citizenry to be gullible and docile, where people did understandably begin to have distrust of their government but began to use that distrust to draw insane conclusions like seat belts simply being a way to profit off traffic tickets and science not being real if the government cosigns on it, where roads and bridges and buildings and shit were falling apart because the parties were too busy playing fucking tiddlywinks to actually get the most basic shit done, where people were regularly killing each other for stupid reasons or no reason at all and it was simply accepted that the price of living in a free society was that it necessarily had to accommodate for the freedom to do that, and where the state itself was openly murdering people for things about themselves they couldn't control, where there is so much horrible, terrible, miserable shit going on that I'm getting sick and quite frankly bored of listing it all in this thinly-veiled tongue-in-cheek manner of posing it as a hypothetical question when we know goddamn well that all of these things did indeed come to pass and more… and where no common man could do anything about it, because trying to change anything civilly would be ignored, and trying to change anything uncivilly would be crushed instantly by a monolith of power who knew everything and was always one step ahead. As soon as Eddward had accepted that perhaps the rebels of the world were the ones who actually saw results… he'd started to see the signs that perhaps their days were numbered, too. Surely you can understand, Dear Reader, why that would bum this poor pup out.

"Hey, Double-D."

"GAH!" Edd nearly fell out of his chair when he realized the kit was standing in his open doorway. "Eddy, what are you doing in my house!?"

"Your door was open."

"No, it wasn't!"

"Well your other door was open."

"No, it wasn't!"

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Well they're open now. Anyway, I need you to do me a favor-"

"Why couldn't you just ring the doorbell!? Like you did earlier today!?"

"Because this shit is important and can't wait around forever! They're waitin' on me!"

Double-D raised an eyebrow. "They?"

"Future Me and Future Ed, who else?"

Edd rolled his eyes. "What kind of favor do they need from me now?"

The fox wasted no time extracting several folded sheets of notebook paper from his back pocket. "They want me to deliver a message for 'em. Had no reason to say no. Need ya to type this out exactly as Rob wrote it, print it out, lemme steal a fresh envelope from your parents, and I can drop it off without it having any trace of them on it. No smell, no fingerprints-"

"So you're going to give them a document on behalf of wanted criminals that have my fingerprints!?"

"Hey, they'll have mine, too! Don't see me complaining about it!"

"Perhaps you should be! Even if I weren't to touch the printed sheets, they'll still have my fingerprints on them from when I loaded them into the printer!"

Eddy gave him a blank look and shrugged. "Fine, then tell me where the fresh paper's at and I'll put it in myself. Straight outta the pack, into the tray, into my hands, into an envelope in the middle of the pack that your parents probably wouldn't have touched either at this point, and onto into my paws to its final destination."

The wolf winced. "And you're okay with that?"

"Yeah, why not?" Eddy offered Double-D the papers. "If you type these right, they won't even know who it's really from."

Edd acquiesced and accepted the pages, reading through them. He didn't know what kind of a message he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't… this. "What exactly-?"

"It's some kind of code or something," Eddy said. "Took me a sec to figure it out, but it's-"

"I see it, I see it." Indeed, once Eddy had clarified that it was some kind of cipher, it took Double-D literally one second to figure out what it was as he looked at the text and flipped through the pages. "And are they sure it won't soon be intercepted and deciphered by their enemies?"

"We've got a plan for that," the kit said matter-of-factly.

...Aw, what did he care? If his friends wanted to get themselves thrown in prison, it was their right as Americans to be idiots. Double-D sat down and got to work typing the message out. As long as the entire concept of standing up to evil authority figures was breathing its dying breaths, the wolf decided that the polite and the punky factions could work together to help it go out with a bang.

-IllI-

It was only a few days past the summer solstice, so there was still plenty of time for the sun to set as the afternoon gave way to evening. Nevertheless, the daylight was on its way out, and so as it did upon the rest of the city, the sun also set on Sherwood Forest.

"So… this is our last night of being homeless, huh?" Johnny mused aloud as he looked at the speckles of light leaking through the branches of the trees. "End of an era."

"Oh, who knows what the future will bring, Johnny!" Robin said, cheery as ever. "Never say never, we may find ourselves living again amidst these trees before we know it!"

The bear gave the fox an annoyed smile. "You sure are optimistic about the idea of us being vagrants forever."

"Just as I told the lads, old boy, a sunny disposition and a can-do attitude are attractive qualities," Robin murmured dreamily as he leaned further back against the base of the Major Oak, arms behind his head.

But Little John felt torn about leaving their beloved home for an objectively better but impersonal home. "...Maybe it's a stupid idea, but do you wanna crash in the woods tonight instead of the van? One last time, for old time's sakes? Doesn't look like the cops've passed through here in a while anyway…"

Robin replied by shaking his head and tutting his tongue, then turning to give his friend full eye contact. "It would be nice, but I don't think I'd want to spend the whole night here."

His friend was confused. "What, you… wanna just crash here for a few hours and then head back to the dump? Seems like kind of a waste of time, don'tcha think?"

The fox smiled coyly as he shook his head. "Not what I meant, Johnny."

Johnny reran the exchange through his head to try to figure out what he was missing. "...Oh, you meant you didn't want to sleep here the whole night, but you were cool with staying here. Like… taking turns sleeping while the other keeps watch? Uh… not really my idea of a good night's sleep-"

"No, Johnny, I meant we have somewhere else to go tonight, don't we?"

...Oh, yeah. Little John felt stupid for forgetting. "Alright, I get ya, we gotta escort Eddy downtown and back-"

"And where do you think we oughta go while he's making his delivery?"

Once again… Johnny was confused. "Are we not just gonna hide around the corner?"

"Ah, Johnny, you really think it's a good idea to be so close to the vicinity when he's fulfilling the dropoff?"

"...What, are we just gonna fuckin' leave him there? To fend for himself?"

"He'll have no trouble, Johnny, I'm sure of it. Why would they suspect anything of him?"

"They can trace the message to us, it's not that hard of a code to crack-"

"Which is why Marian should have no trouble with it and will understand why she must hide it at all costs. She's a smart woman, Johnny, that's why I love her."

"...I never said I doubted that, bud, I just said I don't understand what you think is a smarter idea than to just be available if the kid needs our help, even if it's not likely he will-"

"I respect your concern, Johnny, I simply think it's a greater risk that we might get too close to the property and wind up on some security cameras. And then what's the whole point of sending the lad with a letter that doesn't even have our scents on it, eh? I'm just of the mind that he'd benefit from having some space to operate on his own for a bit, and perhaps there's something better we can be doing with our time than twiddling our thumbs waiting for him."

Johnny just wanted Rob to spit it out already. "Please just cut to the chase and tell me where you're getting at with this."

"Oh, time will tell," the fox mumbled with a bashful smirk.

"...Okay, well some time is happening right now. Like, around us. Now. Can you just tell me?"

"I'd hate to ruin the secret," he said, facing the westward sky with a smile.

"Why does it have to be a secret?"

Robin felt truly content.

"Rob?"

He'd helped four different people better themselves today.

"Robin?"

It wasn't a completed project, but he'd sewn the seeds of growth in them.

"Robaire?"

And he was about to make sure that the one he cared the most about out of all of them got the chance to use what he'd just learned.

"Are you daydreaming about your girlfriend again?"

"Ah, yes and no, Johnny. Once she and I are reunited, you see… I'd hate for you to feel left out…"

The bear looked disgusted by that wording. "Are you inviting me into a fucking three-way?"

Robin had to chuckle at that. "Oh, is that what it sounded like? Oh, no, Johnny, I don't think Marian would be the ménage-à-trois kind. You see, my mouth can fail me as well… but how about we get some practice for yours?"

*A.N.* Hey everyone, a few quick notes.

First things first, this story officially has official art! A friend who's a graphic artist wanted to make some stuff to build a portfolio, so he offered to make some images for this series; a tile card that's on the front page of the AO3 version and a set of chibis he made just for funsies. I'll post them below on AO3 and I'll link to them on both versions:

dobanochi/art/L-EDgendary-Title-Card-896840611

dobanochi/art/L-EDgendary-Main-Characters-Chibis-897321442

Why pixel art? Because… um… hey, that's his preferred aesthetic, he was offering, I wasn't gonna tell him no! Although I can't help but think it would fit so much better with my other story which involves a pixel-art game (huh? oh yeah I got another story if you like my writing for the sake of writing, thanks for asking lol). If you'd like to hit him up, you can find links on the DevianrtArt posts. This was actually ready in time for the last update, but I forgot to post it because I am a 40-gallon drum of barbecue sauce.

Also, quick shoutout to L'EDgendary's newest reader, Memoryweaver1, who helped me with this chapter in deciphering what exactly it was about Robin that made him a character everybody loved and remembered fondly in a movie that's otherwise seen as mediocre in the public's eye; as a 40-gallon drum of barbecue sauce, I don't get how normal people think and didn't get exactly what Robin's appeal was, so I appreciated the help putting it into words.

Thirdly, this is a three-part chapter. Jsyk. Why am I writing this if you're reading this after pt 3 is posted you'll already know that jesus christ it's 6 in the morning i wanna go to bed i have to be up at 1:30 for work and shit ive been up for 24 hrs bc i had to wake up at 6 today #retaillifebaby but i prob won't be able to sleep anyway bc i got a naaasty ass cold and im coughin like a banshee here aaahhh god GOODNIGHT ERRYBODY!