RATING: M - Mature (for later chapter)
PAIRINGS: GSR
SPOILERS: Post Ep for "Gum Drops" through "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (specifically relating to events in "Secrets & Flies")
SUMMARY: What was it that made Grissom finally see the light? Could it really have been so simple?
A/N: Tried getting this one up last night, but the site was not cooperating. Hopefully I didn't fudge up that last chapter too bad and lost a bunch of you... There will be a couple more scenes that I am going to pluck from the show, but there shouldn't be anything other chapters that heavy with them.
REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.
Chapter 3The whole drive home from court had Grissom's mind racing after his conversation with Under Sheriff McKeen. Without a single political bone in his body he had managed to provide himself with a unique political opportunity. If he had understood the exchange with McKeen, Gil had just been given what amounted to a "get out of jail free" card from the man.
"When I took this job, I heard a lot of things about you.
If you ever need a favor, if I can help you in any way..."
Those words just kept repeating in his head, over and over again. "If I can help you in any way..." It became a riddle he just had to solve. What exactly did Gil Grissom need help with? He certainly held no wild ambitions, so McKeen's offer to help him advance fell on deaf ears. No, he was not even happy with all the administrative functions associated with being a shift supervisor (as evidenced by his failure in turning in those evaluations in a timely manner), so becoming a total administrator held no appeal for him. A better budget? While more money was always needed around the lab, he could never feel comfortable having funds diverted from any other county budget to pad his department's budget, so he would simply continue to apply for the occasional grants for better equipment.
In fact, on a professional level, he really did not want or need for anything, outside of ridding himself of Conrad Ecklie. And even he had to admit that while still an insufferable worm of a human being, Conrad did have a knack for the more mundane aspects of the job. If only he was not such a conniving, back-stabbing, vindictive bastard, he would be the perfect assistant director. But, I suppose nobody's perfect.
Having determined that his professional life was mostly in sync, he made the natural progression to his personal life. And the natural answer to that was; What personal life?
Though he had finally made peace with himself it had been a slow and agonizing process to re-connect with the people around him. The first had been Jim, as was usually the case, and he had been gracious in his acceptance of Gil's feeble attempts at openness.
Catherine, with her standard caustic wit, made him suffer a little before giving in to accept his apologies. Also, in true fashion, she had offered him her own apologies for their difficulties over the course of their separation. Their friendship remained as it had always been; faithful, if not complicated.
The guys had been much easier to make amends with as they were all just happy to be working together again. And while things with Nick were looking up, he was always mindful to keep an extra eye out for any signs that he was not holding up. Even though things had gotten a little dicey on that Lincoln County case, Gil found himself thinking he might have reacted in much the same way, so he simply gave Nick some space to put it all into perspective.
That left one person; Sara.
If he was honest with himself, he would have to admit that she had suffered more from his self-imposed exile from human relations than everyone else combined. And if he was brutally honest about it, he would know that her suffering was not only administered by his words and deeds, but that it was her punishment for having tried to peek inside that protective wall around his heart. She suffered because she cared… She suffered because he was afraid of what losing her would do to him, and so he had vowed to make sure he never had to go through that pain. Problem was, it was too late. His heart had long before tied itself to the brainy, brunette beauty. So much so, that when she took his advice and began seeing that paramedic, he started punishing her for not sitting around mooning after him like a schoolgirl. And when he had learned of the relationship's demise from Catherine, his black and jealous heart did a vile victory dance to celebrate her renewed loneliness. He still considered that to be one of the lowest points in his life.
However, fate had seen fit to punish him for his follies as he was forced to lay witness to all the damage he had done as Sara began to spiral downward through the unbearable torment her life had become; a torment he had an enormous hand in creating. First came the near DUI, which almost cost Sara her career, followed quickly by the dissolution of the team, but more importantly, her support system. Then it was case after grueling case on their bare bones crew eating away at her resolve until she finally snapped and lashed out at Catherine, which gave Ecklie cause to suspend her and demand that Gil dismiss her.
His guilt in the whole thing was clearly shown to him the day he went to question her about the incident with Catherine. When he questioned her about the event and her motives she literally collapsed in on herself, with her own defensive walls crashing down around her. He found himself dumbfounded by the display and unable to offer her anything beyond his feeble gesture of comfort in the taking of her hand as she cried. It was in that moment, with her weeping openly, that he felt truly small and terribly unworthy in her presence. But it was when he was trapped on the other side of that door in the institution that he finally understood what had been there all along: with Sara, life meant something and the very thought of life without her left his soul black and devoid of all signs of life.
It took him a while to decide what to do about that knowledge, but he did start making the effort to ease the tension of their interactions. He even tried to share pieces of his past with her, though it never seemed like enough. But how much did it really matter when you tell someone about your boyhood love of singing cowboys and their horses?
Fate would intervene once more when Nick was abducted from a bogus crime scene. The whole lab worked the case, but in the end it was he and Sara that finally put all the pieces together to enable Nick's successful rescue. That simple fact left him feeling empty and hollow. What if Sara had been at that scene?
That was his last straw. Though his situation demanded he would not be able to offer her everything that she deserved, he vowed that she would never again have to question their friendship and what it meant to him. And his epiphany came to him while he dozed in the front seat of Sara's car as she took him home from the site of Nick's rescue. His voice was pained and fragile, but those first timid words were the start of his new lease on life, his new life with Sara as his friend.
It became evident very quickly that his insistence on a strict friendship was going to become impossible. Their attraction was simply undeniable. One breakfast became two… Two breakfasts became a weekly breakfast, until finally, they ate together after shift nearly every single day. Before long, he knew it would get dangerous again.
"If you ever need a favor, if I can help you in any way..."
McKeen's words were ringing through his thoughts once more… "If I can help you in any way..."
Maybe he did have one ambition…
Ring, ring, ring, ring… You've reached Sara Sidle, please leave a detailed message after the tone and I will get back to you when I am available… Sara… I ah, have this invitation to a, ah, well, it's an art show and I thought maybe you'd like to go… They said it was for me plus one and well, um, Jim's not much of a, ah, art fan… If you want to you, ya know, go to it, just ah, let me know… Bye."