RATING: M - Mature (for later chapter)
PAIRINGS: GSR
SPOILERS: Post Ep for "Gum Drops" through "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (specifically relating to events in "Secrets & Flies")
SUMMARY: What was it that made Grissom finally see the light? Could it really have been so simple?
A/N: Sorry for anyone getting lost due to the lack of Alerts. I just hope they get it fixed soon, because it's making it hard for me, too. This is also the reason I have not been replying to to reviews, since I don't think you would get them. As soon as the emailing system is fixed, I promise to reply to everyone's reviews. :D
REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.
Chapter 6
Alone in her apartment, the sun fighting to enter through any nook or cranny it could find, Sara sat silently in the overstuffed chair at the window. Her feet were drawn up to her chest, she had the right elbow resting on one knee, her forehead pressed into her right hand, and her other arm wrapped around her legs. It was a pose that she been familiar with her entire life, whether it be as a source of cold comfort, an anchor against the chaos of her home, or a posture of serious contemplation, it was as much a part of Sara's life as breathing.
On this occasion, Sara was trying to work out what was going on in her life, again. She had thought that things were finally starting to fall into place, but the events of the previous shift left her without that security any longer. In the span of a single minute, she had to question all that she had accepted as fact in the previous months.
Last week, after a particularly amazing outing, Sara had finally worked up the nerve to ask Grissom what was going on between them. They had been spending a rapidly increasing amount of time together, before and after shift and on their days off. They were working together a lot, they discussed cases when they were not working together, they saw movies, they ate dinner and breakfast on a regular basis, they went to lectures and basically it felt like a lot more than just the rekindling of their friendship.
But Grissom had fooled her before…
Last week, Sara had finally decided to face the issue head on, instead of assuming or hoping for something that was not there. She was going to ask, plainly and clearly what was going on between them. However, no matter which scenario she played in her head, she was simply not prepared for the answer she got.
"Don't get me wrong… I've really enjoyed all of this… Today, the breakfasts, the dinners, all of it." Swallowing hard, I had to struggle to get the words out of my mouth.
I could not look at him, but I can tell that he just shoved his fists down into his pockets. "And well, I don't want to screw this…friendship thing up, or anything, but…" Every single word was a struggle and I found myself rambling around the meat of the problem. I took a deep, steeling breath, hoping to get the rest out. "But I have to know, Grissom… I mean, I've made mistakes by not being clear in the past, and I don't want to keep making those mistakes, so I really need to know." And there it was, I just had to say it and it would all be over, or at least I hoped it wasn't really over. "This is just feeling like somethi-… Like maybe it's more than just fr-… What exactly are we doing with all of this?"
Every nerve in my body was standing on end as I spoke the last words, and with the breath firmly held in my lungs it was not about to release before he said a word. As I stood there about to come completely unglued waiting for his answer, I could have sworn that there was the hint of a smile in the left corner of his mouth. Then he started speaking as he turned to get into the driver's side of the car. "I could be wrong…but I do believe it is commonly referred to as dating." I was struck completely dumb by his nonchalant answer.
By the time I finally regained my senses, I realized two very important things; one, that Grissom was about to leave me standing there if I didn't get in the car, and two, I was dating Grissom and didn't even know it.
As I got into his car I struggled to hide the smile that was now plastered on my face and had to confess, "Well, I feel pretty stupid now."
Grissom laughed as he started the car and said, "Don't worry about that… You're still ahead of me." I turned to see that amazing sideways smile of his when he said, "It only took you a few weeks to figure that one out… It took me nearly ten years to get this far."
As she sat in the chair recalling that wonderful moment, she felt even more pained by the events of the night. She had no idea that Grissom could do something so amazingly cruel. How could he have given her the keys to a possible future and then ripped them away from her in the span of a week? How could he have been with her again?
Sara simply could not imagine what it was that gave Grissom the ability to crush her heart in so many ways. Every time she thought they had gotten past the pain, he found a new way to slice into her heart. She was trying to analyze the situation, and desperately tried to find a logical answer as to what would have convinced him to do such an unethical thing.
I had finally come to an impasse and needed to consult Grissom on the case, so I headed straight for his office. I turned the corner into the officer and said, "Hey, Grissom, I have a question." Seeing Sofia standing in the middle of the room stopped me cold. The only thing I could think was what was she doing at the lab when she was suspended.
" Sofia? You're on administrative leave." I didn't wait for her answer before looking at Grissom. I swear he looked like he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"I know." Sofia, naturally, sounded like nothing was wrong. The woman definitely had some nerve.
"You should not be in this building." I knew I was stating the obvious, but I wanted to make sure everyone knew the score. Especially since Grissom was still trying to speak, but looked more like a fish out of water.
Sofia looked between me and Grissom, as though she was waiting for backup. "I was just talking to a friend. If I can't talk to a friend, who the hell am I supposed to talk to?"
"Any friend outside the department." I was not about to throw her a lifeline.
"And how many friends outside of work do you have, Sara? Maybe I should go talk to my mother. Oh, no, sorry. I forgot. She's a cop, too." She was entirely too defensive for my tastes.
"I can recommend a departmental psychologist."
"All right, then. This was a really bad idea. I'm sorry." Sofia turned and left the office. Once she was gone, I turned and set my gaze on Grissom who was still doing his best busted bass impersonation. I couldn't take anymore of it and left the office.
The anger was passing as the last of the memory played out in her mind, and in its place came a profound sense of grief. And with the grief came the tears. That was where she was when the knock came to her door. She was not in the mood to talk about anything at that moment, and so she remained seated, completely unmoving.
As the door slowly opened, she finally remembered that Grissom had a key to her place after the last time she had gone out of town. He had come in while she was gone to take care of her plants and bring in the mail.
The light that preceded his cautious entrance shone directly onto her face and she had to shield her eyes from its onslaught. His body quickly blocked the sun and then the door was shut, but she was not interested in looking at the intruder into her solitude.
"Sara?" His eyes were obviously affected by the sunshine outside and he had to wait until they adjusted to the dark before he could see her in the chair. "There you are…" He took a few cautious steps forward, but was still standing in the entryway. "Why didn't you answer when I called?"
He waited for her to answer, but she remained still and silent to the point where he began to worry about her well being. "Sara?" He took a step closer and still she was silent and he had to ask, "Are you okay?" His feet moved another step closer, and that was when he noticed the tear trail on her left cheek. "Sara, what's wrong?"
The first indication she gave to being aware of his presence was when she huffed at his last question. He was standing just a few feet away from her by then, but there was something holding him into place. He dared not move any closer for the fear had gripped his heart. "Sara?"
She drew in a breath and closed her eyes tightly before she said, "I don't want to do this right now."
The fear became tangible for him with her words, but he was simply unable to let it go. He had too much invested at that point to let it go so easily. He had never fought for her in the past, but he was not about to make that mistake again. "I don't understand… What's wrong?"
"Don't… I just ca-"
He moved closer, sitting down on the coffee table directly in front of her when he spoke, "Sara, I don't know what's happened… I don't understand why you weren't at the diner after shift, or why you wouldn't answer your phone, or why you didn't respond when I knocked and called into the condo." His desperation was beginning to show, and without any response from her he knew it had to be something important. "I was worried…about you…but…now." The words stuck in his throat.
"You know, if you'd changed your mind, all you had to do was tell me… I think I deserve that much." Her words completely confused him, but he knew that she meant each one as he watched a fresh batch of tears running down her cheek.
"I don't understand… Changed my mind about what?"
She sniffed and emitted a pain-filled laugh, "Well, then obviously we have very different ideas about what dating means."
Shaking his head to try and clear the confusion he asked, "Different how?"
"Look Grissom, if you weren't serious about this, you should have told me. You can't just open the doors to me, only to slam a screen door in my face. It's not fair." She wiped the tears from her face with her left hand, but she still would not look at him. "If you were going to keep 'dating' other people, then you should have told me, so I didn't get my hopes up that you were actually serious this time."
Grissom's face showed every ounce of the complete confusion that he was experiencing in that moment. He had absolutely no idea what would have given her even the faintest idea that he was seeing anyone else when it was possibly the furthest thing from the truth. "Sara, I don-"
"Grissom, I was there, so don't even try to tell me it's not true." Her tone told him that she was completely certain of her assumption, but he still was unsure as to what she was referring to at that point. "You were right there in the office with her… What did you expect me to think?"
Grissom's face went completely white once he understood what she was saying. My God! She thinks there's something between me and Sofia! He was completely stricken with shock at the implication that there was anything between himself and Detective Curtis other than professional courtesy. "Sara, I ne-"
"Grissom, the whole lab knew about all the time you spent two together and the big date, so don't try to tell m-"
Grissom shook his head in utter disbelief and could not remain silent any longer, "What date? I have never had anyth-"
"Before she left C.S.I… That date?" Sara was totally serious, and that was when he realized she had been under a false impression of him for nearly a year. He had to resolve this issue, and fast.
"Sara, I have never had a date with Sofia. I asked her to dinner when she turned in her resignation to try and talk her out of it, but that's it… It was nothing more than a professional courtesy in the hopes of preventing the loss of a good CSI when we were terribly short-handed." Grissom knew he had to explain this to Sara, because it had obviously caused her a great deal of pain.
"But she-"
"Yes, she made numerous advances, but I never gave her any indication that they were being received. I even asked Catherine to speak with her about it." He reached out and placed a hand over hers to make her understand what he was saying, "I've done a great many stupid things in my life, Sara, but that was not one of them."
"But, in your office to-"
He shook his head and explained, "I walked into my office and she was there… I had been ignoring her messages the whole shift… And when I tried to tell her she shouldn't be there, she just kept talking, she was practically hysterical, and then you appeared in my doorway." He squeezed her hand to show how much his next statement meant. "I was so glad to have someone else there, but at the same time, I didn't want you to have to get involved. But you handled it perfectly, and I was terribly relieved when she finally left." With his other hand, he reached out to stroke her hair. "Sara, you have to believe me, that when I told you I was pursuing this relationship, that I was-…am, very serious about it."
"How am I supposed to know that?"
"I don't understand… What do you me-"
"How am supposed to know that, when the only time you've ever taken my hand is when I'm falling apart?" Grissom was struck dumb by the fact that his theory of taking things slow was also the catalyst for her to find reason to doubt him. "I mean, according to you, we've been dating for weeks, and yet you haven't even tried to…to kiss me."
Grissom found himself struggling for an answer to that problem. He had no real idea why he had never tried to cross that line. The only that came to his mind was, "I guess, I was…waiting-"
Sara shook her head with her frustration and asked, "My God, for what!"
He could only shrug when he answered, "For your permission, I guess?" He used the hand not wrapped around hers to reach over and wipe her tears away.
"You'd be the first." Her oddly casual remark made his back stiffen.
Her eyes were cast down, and he tucked his fingers under her chin to lift her gaze when he asked, "I don't understand… How would I be the first, at what?"
"No one's ever asked for anything from me… They just took what they wanted." The matter of fact tone in her voice actually made his heart constrict.
His jaw tightened with his response, "Remind me… I need to have a little chat with that paramedic."
"What?" Sara searched his eyes for why Grissom would be talking about Hank and then she realized what he had meant. "No, Grissom… With him, it was more like convenient lust…nothing more."
He now knew, without a doubt, that he was going to do everything in his power to never knowingly cause her pain again. She had enough of that to last her several lifetimes. But that thought brought another to his mind. "Sara?" He waited for her to look into his eyes before continuing, "I'm not very good at this relationship stuff. At least, I've never been willing to work at it before. Can you promise me something?"
She nodded, as though his words held her rapt attention.
"If I screw up, will you please promise to talk to me first? I'll never try to hurt you, but I can be a little dense sometimes, as is evidenced by today… So, I'm going to need your help in spotting the trouble areas, because I never want to take anything for granted when it comes to you. Okay?" He thought he noticed the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, but then he saw the tears begin again and he was again stricken with the depth of his connection to her. "Oh honey, what is it?"
She sniffed and asked, "You think you can do the same thing for me?"
He smiled, squeezed her hand again and nodded. "You bet. But I imagine it'll be a bigger job for you."
He watched as she turned and placed her feet squarely on the floor. Then she stood up and reached her hands out to Grissom to help him to his feet. Looking behind him to be sure the table was okay, he then looked at the door and said, "Well, I guess I should get go-"
She dropped his left hand and brought her right up to his lips to silence him. Her next words had him more confused that he had been all day. "You're the only one I would ever…have ever wanted to give it to."
His brows were scrunched together as he tried to decipher the meaning of her words. When she dropped his right hand and moved both of hers to his chest that meaning suddenly became crystal clear. He moved his own hands slowly up along her back, with one lingering there as the other continued to rest at the nape of her neck. Leaning his head forward until it was resting against her forehead, he found that their proximity was as intoxicating as it always had been, but now their breaths mingled as well. He looked deeply into her gentle and accepting eyes, and there he found further proof of her permission, as well as her smoldering desire.
When their lips finally met in that first kiss, it was neither passionate, nor intense. It was sweet and tender and loving and healing. That first kiss was a tangible and heartfelt expression of the feelings and emotions being shared between two people who have both suffered and sacrificed to be where they were standing at that moment.
As they finally parted, they both felt as though they would never be parted again.