Sometimes bad things happen as an example, so no one can make the same mistakes...Daughters are their mother's daughters, but not their mothers. There is a difference. A big one. History is not doomed to repeat itself.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Grey's Anatomy. I don't own anything in this story, except the story itself.
A/N: Be nice and review pleeeeaaaseee! I hadn't seen any stories about Mer and her mom before, and I think that they have a past and a bond that deserves some attention. I wrote this about two months ago. It's a post prom Meredith and Ellis story. I like it. I hope you do too.
It was something she had to do, simple as that.
Of course, nothing was simple anymore, she thought. She still lay in bed even though she'd realized that she wanted. No. NEEDED to do this about an hour ago.
Not that she expected her mind to tell her body what to do. That certainly hadn't been happening very much lately. She didn't even know what her heart and mind were saying anymore, nor her conscience. She didn't trust herself. How did she know that this wasn't something else she was doing wrong?
Do it. Just do it.
This brought a smile to her face as she thought about the Nike slogan. She'd heard a joke about that, but where?
Come on, she told herself angrily, focus. Get out of bed. Count of three. 1...2...3...
She hadn't moved.
4...5...6...7...8...9...10...
Suddenly she was swung up and over the side of her bed. Halfway shocked and halfway pleased, she got up off the bed. In the bathroom, she got ready quietly. Not that she needed to. Izzie would have fallen asleep in the next room with George, Alex, and Callie asleep on the floor around her. She'd at least made sure of that. Silently, she'd watched outside the door through a crack. Callie had seen her, but she hadn't said anything. I mean, HELLO, she knew. But at least she didn't call her on her extreme selfishness.
She wasn't worthy, though. Izzie's pain was pure and beautiful. Meanwhile, her pain was dirty and brought on entirely by herself. She felt horrible, like she'd taken away something from Izzie. Here was Izzie with a real problem, and as usual, here was she, Meredith Grey, in the corner with her own problems. She'd have given anything to be in that room, on the floor with Izzie, but she couldn't. She just couldn't. It would be too wrong.
Meredith pulled the green t-shirt over her head and grabbed her jacket and purse. Better now before she changed her mind.
The drive was so familiar to her. She could do it with her eyes closed. Almost every single day since she'd gotten to Seattle, she'd driven this road. Why? She'd never owed anything, never gotten anything from her. Why now?
And she answered herself because the answer was always the same.
"She's your mother, and you love her, despite everything she's ever done or will do to you."
Meredith turned into the driveway and walked up the familiar path, to the familiar door, which she opened, and heard a familiar voice.
"Dr. Grey, what a nice surprise." Please.
And she answered, like she'd done a thousand times. "I'm here to see my mother."
"Right this way." The conversation was casual. This woman was used to the exact same thing.
Ellis Grey was sitting in a chair by the window, staring blankly into the distance. The woman left, leaving Meredith and her mother.
"Come on, Mom. Let's go outside."
Ellis's eyes suddenly focused on Meredith. "I don't have time. I have 2 surgeries, back to back. Stop wasting my time."
"Okay, Mom," said Meredith, without skipping a beat, "I'll just have to take you over to surgery then." Her mom got up, and Meredith began to lead her outside.
Meredith had never been a religious person. She'd never had any reason to be. If God was so good, why was the world so bad and unfair? But she did believe in heaven, because she knew Denny. Someone like Denny had to go to heaven, Meredith was sure. If there was a heaven, there had to be something. So, for the first time in her life, Meredith prayed.
It was to no one in particular, and Meredith didn't even know what she was praying for. Just a silent Help me, Help me, Help me.
She opened the door. It was overcast outside, but not raining. That was good. It wasn't raining, but it didn't feel right for it to be sunny.
Her mother sat down at a small table on the lawn. Meredith sat across from her. They were a little off to the side, and no one could hear them.
Help me, help me, help me.
"Mom," Meredith began. Her mother didn't look at her. Meredith didn't think she would. She kept on going.
"Mom, I need to tell you something. And it's not like I want you to respond, but I need you to know. I think that somewhere deep inside you, you can hear me. So I guess that you can just listen. And I know that you hate people who lie, or dance around the truth, so I'll just say it."
Meredith paused. Her mother was still staring out into the distance.
"I slept with him, Mom. And I knew that he was married, and he knew, and we were just there, and it happened. I love him, with all of my heart, and I know that he loves me, but I don't think he'll leave her. She won't leave him. And I'm kind of with someone else, and he loves me, and he has plans."
Her mother blinked. Meredith went on.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I understand now. I understand what you did and why you did it. It was horrible, and cruel, and wrong, and I can see why you never liked me, or maybe you didn't love me. I don't know, but I understand, because after all these years of trying to get away from you, the inevitable happened. I am you. Everything, everything is the same. I may not be as good of a surgeon, but I am a surgeon, and I'm in a screwy situation, and I'll probably end up hurting all the people I love. And I'm self-destructive. Just in a different way than you."
Her mother blinked again. She looked confused. Meredith felt tears in her eyes, but she didn't do anything about them.
"I hate myself for it, but that's the truth. And that's what I needed to say to you."
Meredith swiped her arm across her eyes and stood up to leave.
Suddenly, she felt a hand on her wrist. She turned around. Her mother's eyes were clear, and focused on Meredith.
"Sit down," she ordered. Meredith obeyed.
"Let me tell you something. And listen to me, because I'll probably never be like this again. You are not me. You didn't leave. You stayed. You stayed and fought. And you care. You care about the people you hurt. You don't let love completely blind you. You are my daughter, and I'm sorry for that, but you are not me, Meredith. You don't have my talent, and you don't have my weakness."
"Mom, I..."
"Don't get off the carousel, Meredith."
And that was it, well, almost. Meredith left her mother, in the defiant glare that she'd know her so well for, knowing that she'd probably never see her like that again.
She remembered the day that she'd talked to Christina about their mothers. She'd asked if they were like them. Christina had looked at her, a very "you've-got-to-be-kidding-me" look, but Meredith had seen the fear in her eyes. She'd had it too.
Ellis Grey had made a mistake, and Meredith was in the same position she had probably been in many years ago, but Meredith was different. She would fight. She would fight for the love that her mother had never had, and she would fight to make sure that she always cared, cared about those she hurt.
I love you. I never wanted to, but I did.
Her mother had told her that before she left. It made Meredith feel emptier, but strangely complete.
I am my mother's daughter, Meredith thought, and she walked out into the rain.
Good? I know it's a little fluffy for the two of them, but it's pretty real. I don't know. Maybe it totally sucks. Please review!