AN: Hey guys. Sorry there's such a big delay in my updates these days, but law school is hard, and it involves a lot of writing. After which, I'm rarely in the mood to do more writing, even if it's just for fun. So at this point, updates are basically just whenever I can manage enough days in a row to write something. I'm also in the process of moving, which is slowing things down even more. But it is what it is. Eventually, I'll be stable again, and then I might be able to write more regularly, but for the moment this is just how things are.
I'm also just not in the right head space to work on my more complex stories right now, so currently I'm just writing what I find to be fun. And right now, that's this. Hope you enjoy it at least some fraction of the amount I enjoyed writing it.
Tall Timbers Park was something of a fixture for the populace of Royal Woods. At any given time you'd find birthday parties coexisting with sporting events, hikes, fishing, boating, meetings for the Official Royal Woods Swamp Monster Fan Club, and virtually any other kind of outdoor activity one could imagine. In short, it was where Royal Woodians came together as a community.
Except on this particular occasion. Where, despite being an absolutely gorgeous sunny Saturday, perfect for any number of leisurely escapades, Tall Timbers found itself strangely vacant, with only a few small crowds of park-goers in attendance scattered throughout the park grounds. It was possible that this historically low turnout may have had something to do with the high school kids who had claimed the park's amphitheater for themselves and were making liberal use of their claim by rocking out as hard as they could. It may have also had something to do with the giant brunette who had situated herself as close as she could to the impromptu performance and was showing her support by screaming along with the music, and stomping her feet to the beat, causing the entire area to reverberate in time. It also may have been a factor that the duo on stage was comprised solely of a drummer and a keyboard player. Which, when combined with the accompaniment provided by their giant companion, produced a clamor that wasn't so much melodic as it was...noisy. But nothing could truly be said about this riddle for the ages with much certainty. Whatever the reason, historians would undoubtedly look back on this day and say "...WHAT?!" Their hearing having been long destroyed by the sheer amount of noise pollution on display.
"WHOO!" Luna exclaimed, pumping her fist in the as her friends added their final flourishes to their song, concluding their performance.
"ONE MORE TIME!"
...at least, that's probably what they'd been thinking, anyway.
"Luna, please," Mazzy pleaded, waving her drumsticks for emphasis. "Don't get me wrong, it's been tons of fun to hang out again. But...we may have partied a little too hard. I think we're both pretty beat. Right, Sully?" Her male counterpart merely nodded his assent, swaying slightly as he did so.
"WHOOPS," Luna scratched the back of her head, bashfully. "SORRY GUYS. GUESS I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY THERE."
"Don't worry about it Lunes," The drummer reassured her as she began taking apart her drum set. "Like, I said, we had fun. Though..."
Mazzy glanced around, frowning in concern. "Sam's been gone for a while now. Wonder where she got off to..."
"I'M SURE SHE'S...AROUND," Luna replied quickly. "SO...UH, WANT ME TO HELP YOU CARRY YOUR STUFF?"
"Nah, we've got a system." Abruptly, Mazzy pivoted in place and began chucking the pieces of her disassembled drum kit towards Sully. The sole male of the group, having just finished tucking his keyboard under his arm, let out a squawk of alarm as the bass drum landed on his back. However, he did not falter, and in short order he was bearing the entirety of Mazzy's kit upon his back, ordered from biggest to smallest. Equal parts surprised and impressed, Luna responded with a round of polite applause.
"Thank you, Luna," Sully growled, fixing Mazzy with a glare that would have required a thorough background check to carry in most states. But before he could say anything further, the drummer crammed her drumsticks into his open mouth, leaving them clenched between his teeth.
"See?" Mazzy asked, looking up at the giantess. "All good. Later Lunes!"
Luna watched in bemusement as her friends toddled off, one of them moving significantly slower than the other. She did so partly out of her fondness for the pair; if anyone decided to mess with them while Luna was within stomping distance, they were quickly going to find themselves in a world of hurt (plus several planetoids more). But there was also a somewhat more...pragmatic component involved. She continued to keep watch as the duo gradually ventured further and further away, until finally, she deemed that if something was going to cause them to turn back, it probably would have happened by now. It probably would have had to, seeing as how Sully's legs were going to have a difficult enough time even surviving a one-way trip.
Nodding in satisfaction, Luna rose to her feet and resituated herself on the other side of the amphitheater, taking advantage of the structure's shape and reclining against its exterior. Then, once she'd gotten comfortable, she spoke.
"THE COAST IS CLEAR," She said, as softly as she could manage. "YOU CAN COME OUT NOW."
Luna bit down on her lip as a slight tickling sensation manifested down by her chest, and forced herself to remain as still as possible as the feeling worked its way up toward her collar bone, whereupon it finally terminated. A moment later, a tiny blonde head popped out from the collar of her top.
"Hullo," said Sam, a weary, but content smile upon her slightly damp face. She peered around, blinking slowly as she took in her surroundings. "What happened to the gang?"
"WE WRAPPED UP FOR THE DAY. THOUGHT YOU'D APPRECIATE SOME ALONE TIME."
"Can't have enough of that!" Sam agreed, tucking her arms behind her head as she laid herself down upon the landscape that was her girlfriend. "Although..."
"HMM?" Luna roused herself from the pleasant stupor she'd begun sinking into and found the blonde looking up at her in askance.
"Is there any chance that...Lincoln's...going to...show up?"
Luna snorted in amusement. "NOT TODAY. WHEN WE'RE OUT IN PUBLIC, WE'RE TRYING TO AVOID BEING IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME. PEOPLE ALREADY GET FREAKED OUT WITH JUST ONE OF US AROUND, YOU KNOW?"
"Oh..."
The distinct note of disappointment that crept into the smaller girl's voice didn't escape Luna's notice.
"WHAT?" She asked, reaching down and gently touseling Sam's hair with her fingertip. "I'M NOT FUN ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
"Of course you are!" The blonde yelled back, giggling as she tried to get her hair back under control. "It's just...you know."
"THINGS COULD BE MORE FUN?" Luna clucked her tongue at Sam. "YOU GUYS JUST HAD A PLAY DATE."
"And I...liked...it", Came her girlfriend's reply, her voice growing softer, and her face growing increasingly red with every word she uttered.
"WELL...GOOD," Luna leaned down and planted a soft kiss on the mess of blonde and crimson that was poking out of her top. "BECAUSE HE SAID HE HAD FUN TOO. AND IT MEANS A LOT TO ME THAT YOU TWO ARE GETTING ALONG. I REALLY WANT THIS THING TO WORK OUT."
"No complaints here," Said Sam, nodding emphatically. "So then, what's Linc up to today?"
"PROBABLY EVERYWHERE," Luna replied, chuckling. "LINC'S BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH ME LATELY. I GUESS THE OTHER GIRLS GOT FED UP WITH THAT, BECAUSE THEY BOOKED HIM FOR THE ENTIRE DAY. HE PROMISED HE'D DO SOMETHING WITH EACH OF THEM."
"Oh, well that sounds nice."
"YEAH..."
For a time, the pair lay there in companionable silence. Then Sam spoke up.
"Hey, Lunes?" She asked. "A-any chance you could hand me my clothes? I think they fell down by your feet."
"SURE THING, LUV," Luna replied, before reaching down and gently nudging Sam's head below the fabric of her top once more. "JUUUUST AS SOON AS YOU'RE DONE."
"Sounds fair!"
"And...pose!"
Lincoln's body moved of its own accord, his mind having long since checked out from the sheer tedium of the activity. They'd been at this for at least twenty minutes, and he still wasn't certain what actually made for a good pose. So, not having any real idea what he was doing, Lincoln kind of just went with the flow. This time it looked like he was crouching down, angling his body just off center, while he turned and...crossed his arms? Oh right, remember to smile—
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK!
Lincoln reeled backward as a machinegun-like cascade of shutter noises and camera flashes assailed his senses, momentarily disorienting him for the umpteenth time. But the squeals of delight that resounded from the gaggle of teenage girls gathered around his feet seemed to imply that he'd done something right, so he just rolled with it.
"Linky?"
The Loud boy's attention was then drawn to his shoulder, upon which Leni was perched. This time she was laying on her stomach, one arm holding her phone out, presumably angling to fit them both in the shot. Again, Lincoln lowered his head, trying to help Leni get them in the frame.
CLICK!
"Yay!" His older sister giggled, her thumbs flying across her phone screen as she presumably uploaded it to her SwiftyPic. A part of Lincoln wanted to ask how many of these she could possibly post before the pictures lost their novelty. But seeing the happiness on his sister's face allowed him to hold his tongue.
"Yay!" Leni cheered. The blonde lept to her feet and dashed over to Lincoln's face, pressing herself against his face in a sort of pseudo-hug. Not certain what the proper physical response for this would be, Lincoln settled for leaning into the hug, nuzzling his face against the smaller girl.
"Thank you Linky," She said, tightening her hold on him. "This has been so much fun! And I'm getting tons of likes from these pics!"
"ANYTHING FOR YOU, LENI," He replied, eliciting another happy shriek from the girl.
"Hey, Lincoln? Lincoln, over here!"
The Loud boy looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. A flash of red drew his gaze to his arm, which, to his surprise, now had a girl clinging to it.
"BECKY?" He asked, his tone not so silently asking, "How the heck did you get up here?"
"Lincoln!" She shouted back, waving frantically at him with one arm. "Gimme a good flex! Please?"
"UH, SURE?" He dutifully complied, going slowly so as to not displace the girl. As he curled his arm upward, his bicep rose to the occasion, leaving the redhead straddling the muscle.
"Perfect!" She exclaimed, holding out her phone, and shimmying around in a way that was starting to make the giant boy more than a little uncomfortable. "Just hold that for a little longer!"
"Becky!" Lincoln's eyes darted to the side, allowing him to see a now frowning Leni peering down from his shoulder at her friend. "That's not fair! Either get off Linky or make room for me!"
"Make me!"
"Hmm," Lori mused, as she surveyed the land before her. "I'm thinking...that if I can land the ball thereabouts—" she pointed to indicate the area she was talking about, "the slope will carry me along and set me up for an easy par. What about you, little bro?"
Lori looked up to see her brother's gigantic hand descending from the sky, her golf bag pinched between his fingers. Once it was within reach, she withdrew her wood, and gave him a grateful nod.
"I'M THINKING YOU MIGHT WANT TO AIM MORE...THATAWAY," Said Lincoln, gesturing demonstratively.
"Why's that?"
"BECAUSE FROM UP HERE, IT LOOKS LIKE THE GROUNDSKEEPERS HAVE BEEN GETTING SLOPPY. THE GRASS IS FORMING A SORT OF NATURAL THROUGHWAY. LAND IT THERE, AND I THINK IT'LL GIVE YOU A STRAIGHT SHOT TO THE GREEN."
"Interesting," Lori tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Alright, I'll give it a shot."
As Lori took her stance, Lincoln politely stepped back, taking care to step as lightly as possible, so as avoid disturbing his sister or her ball. With a mighty swing, Lori sent her ball flying, the small projectile arching perfectly up through the air and towards its destination. It landed almost precisely where she'd intended, and Lori's breath hitched in her throat as the ball wobbled precariously, then slowly began to roll towards the hole...only to suddenly grind to a halt.
Seconds passed as Lori stared at her ball, willing itto spring to life once more, praying the gravity was on her side. But as the seconds dragged on, and her ball remained firmly in place, Lori's hopes continued to sink. Finally, she let out a small, disappointed sigh—
THOOM
Only to squawk in surprise as a short, violent tremor shook the ground.
"Lincoln!" She shouted, glaring up at what had to be the source of the suspiciously short-lived, and strangely localized quake. Her brother had his hands clasped behind his back, and was whistling in what was presumably supposed to be a nonchalant manner. It was somewhat...less than convincing.
"What was that for!?" She yelled at the younger Loud.
"OH, YOU KNOW…" Lincoln replied, noncommittally. "OH HEY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!"
"Look at what…" Lori began, looking in the direction he'd indicated, only to trail off as she caught sight of her ball, once more again on the move. It rolled merrily along its way, bouncing now and then, but rolling ever onward until it gently slid onto the green, and down into the hole.
"Yes!" Lori cheered, pumping her fist in the air, all traces of irritation suddenly washed away from the exuberance of her victory. "A hole in one!"
Lincoln chuckled as he knelt down and placed his hand on the ground. "CONGRATS, LORI!"
"Thank you!" She replied as she jumped into Lincoln's hand, and allowed him to place her upon his shoulder.
"And, thank you," She repeated, kissing her brother on the cheek. "For your...help."
"NO PROBLEM, SIS," Said Lincoln, as he drew himself back up to his full height. "NOW LETS GO GET YOUR BALL."
As they headed out, with Lincoln's impossibly long legs swiftly carrying them to their destination, Lori leaned into her brother's freckled cheek, and let out a sigh of contentment.
"So much better than a golf cart," She murmured, nuzzling the younger boy affectionately.
"Hiyaaaa!"
With a mighty roar, Lynn Loud flung herself forward and slammed into her tackling sled. At the moment of impact, she dug her feet into the ground and pushed with every ounce of her considerable strength that she could bring to bear, straining against the opposing force being applied against her, until finally...it moved. However slightly.
"NICE JOB, LYNN," Lincoln congratulated his sister, as she pushed mightily against his hand. Lincoln hadn't been certain what to expect when Lynn had announced that he'd be helping her train, but commandeering him for use as makeshift training equipment for her big game still somehow managed to come as a surprise. Even so, he was impressed by the showing she'd made. Even hunched down as he was, he was still at least a story taller than her and weighed considerably more. And in spite of that, Lynn was constantly forcing him to reevaluate how much force to use against her. It was equal parts inspiring and frightening just how superhuman Lynn continually proved herself to be.
"Can't even imagine how crazy strong she'd be if it was her up here instead of me," Lincoln thought to himself, as Lynn doubled her efforts and managed to move his hand again. Truly, Lynn was the kind of athlete that only came around once in a lifetime, if that.
Clickclickclickclickclickclick!
...a sentiment that only grew more profound when you compared her to the competition.
With a growl of frustration, Lynn flung Lincoln's hand with enough force that it momentarily unbalanced the giant boy, and whirled around, her eyes flashing with barely contained fury. And in spite of their size difference, Lincoln found himself grateful that his sister's ire was firmly aimed not at him, but at the three girls lounging in deck chairs a short distance away.
"Hello!" Lynn shouted, flinging her arms out as she gestured wildly at her teammates. "We're supposed to be training today! How about you guys get off your butts, and put some work in!"
Click!
"I'm good," said Margo.
Click! Click!
"Ditto," replied Maddie.
Lynn's entire body twitched in irritation as she took one menacing step toward her friends—
Click!
—then stopped, and slowly turned her head, fixing her gaze firmly upon the third member of the group.
"Maaaaybe you guys could go back to those stretches you were leading Lincoln through?" Paula suggested as she fiddled with her phone. A moment later, she held it up and snapped off another photo of the Loud boy.
Click!
"Especially the ones that let him work his calves," She continued nonchalantly. "After all, you wouldn't want your brother getting…"
Paula trailed off as she suddenly picked up the sound of heavy breathing coming from just beyond her eye line. Tentatively moving her head to the side, she found Lynn standing beside her. A Lynn whose anger vein was very much doing that thing that it did.
"..Stiff?" She concluded in a small voice, firmly recognizing that it was a tremendously unwise thing to do, even as she said it.
"I'll make you stiff!" Lynn roared, as she pounced upon the girl.
Over from his perch, Lincoln flinched as Paula vanished, sucked into a patented Loud Family Fight Cloud, which quickly grew to consume the entire group. Recognizing, from years of experience, that this was something the girls needed to work out for themselves, he shuffled a few additional feet backward, and planted himself on the ground.
And waited.
"Again, Lincoln."
"RRR...AAAWWRR?"
"No, no, no," Luan corrected him, shaking her head emphatically. "You're just reading the line. You need to say, the line."
"I...DON'T FOLLOW," Lincoln confessed, squinting at a large sheet of banner paper covered with hasty scrawlings in his sister's extremely distinctive handwriting. "THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT THE LINE SAYS,"
"Yes, but it's not a word, Linc," Said Luan, patiently. "It's a direction. You're supposed to roar. Preferably in a way that's really scary. Or at least, intimidating. I'll take intimidating."
Lincoln groaned as quietly as he could manage and surreptitiously glanced around. He'd tentatively been onboard when Luan had asked him to help her practice for her upcoming play, but he'd already started regretting it once he'd gotten a look at what his part would entail. The fact that his size forced them to practice outside, in the schoolyard only compounded things.
"I JUST…" He paused, searching for a diplomatic way to approach things. "I'M JUST NOT REALLY SURE THIS PART IS A GOOD FIT FOR ME, LUAN."
"Sure it is! I, the princess—" She gestured at the comically poofy gown she was dressed in, "—need an evil ogre to be kidnapped by. You're basically tailor-made for the part right now!"
"BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE ACTING IN THE REAL SHOW, RIGHT?" Panic suddenly gripped Lincoln's oversized heart. "PLEASE, SAY I'M NOT PERFORMING IN THE REAL THING."
Luan sighed. "As much as I'd love that, no. Only Royal Woods High students can act in drama club performances. And...Mrs. Bernardo, but only because nobody's been able to figure out a way to stop her. No, we'll have a big prop to use for the actual show, and we're gonna shove a bunch of drama kids and megaphones into it and let them go nuts."
"THEN WHY CAN'T I JUST RUN THE LINES WITH YOU?"
"Method acting," She replied, matter of factly. "Aside from Luna when she's hangry, you're the closest thing I can get to a bonafide monster. No offense—"
"—NONE TAKEN," Said Lincoln, dryly.
"Right. So if I can get you to menace me, I'll be able to act against anything. Even a half-baked prop."
Luan put her hands on her hips. "I guess you could call me an ogre achiever! Get it!?"
Lincoln fought down the urge to groan as the comedienne laughed herself silly, choosing to focus on the more important issue at hand.
"LUAN," Sighed Lincoln, "DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN MR. GROUSE ACCIDENTALLY BACKED HIS CAR INTO MY FOOT?"
"Oh yeah," The brunette chuckled. "You yelled so loud they probably heard you clear across town. Must have been the agony of de feet!"
"AND HOW DID THE NEIGHBORS RESPOND TO THAT?"
"...Oh," She flinched, as realization dawned upon her. "Torches and pitchforks?"
"TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS, LUAN!" Lincoln flung out his arms for emphasis. "STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY MANAGED TO GET SO MANY IN THE SUBURBS!"
"Riiiiight," Luan tapped her fingers together as she pondered this. "So you'd rather not risk people seeing you act like a monster again."
Lincoln nodded. "THAT'S ABOUT THE—"
Lincoln's eyes widened as he realized what he was about to say, and quickly clamped his hands over his mouth.
"—Size of it?" Luan interjected, with a delighted grin. "That's what you were gonna say, right?"
"LUAN," Lincoln groaned, rolling his eyes.
"Alright, alright." The Loud girl was still shaking with mirth, but she pushed on regardless. "Fine, we'll skip ahead a bit. How about you just pick me up and menace me a little?"
"QUIETLY?"
She shrugged. "I guess as quietly as you can manage."
This seemed to be an acceptable compromise. Lincoln leaned forward, and extended his arm towards Luan, then stopped, hesitating.
"UH, FAIR WARNING, I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE WITH 'GRABBING' PEOPLE. I USUALLY JUST KIND OF CARRY THEM AROUND. ASIDE FROM THAT ONE TIME WITH SAM."
"That's fine," Luan reassured him. "I trust you. Wait, why were you grabbing Sam?"
"...LONG STORY," Lincoln replied, diplomatically. Then before she could press the issue, Lincoln reached down, gently wrapped his fingers around Luan, and lifted her into the air.
His first hint that "gently" might not have been gentle enough, was when he noticed Luan's eyes bugging out.
"WHOOPS," Lincoln immediately loosened his grip. Too much, apparently, as the brunette immediately began to slide down his fingers. Letting out a yelp of surprise, Lincoln fumbled with the smaller girl, trying to steady his grip once more. Eventually, he managed to attain what seemed to be a happy medium, with both hands wrapped around his sister and no obvious signs of distress.
"YOU OKAY, LUAN?"
"Yeeeeeeah," She replied, her voice oddly husky. "That actually feels...kinda nice."
Lincoln couldn't quite place the expression on her face, but she didn't seem unhappy. Still, just before he could inquire further—
"Cut!"
A new interruption made itself known, the suddenness of the command causing Lincoln to jerk in surprise, very nearly losing his grip on Luan again. Fortunately, his big sister remained firmly in hand, though she now looked significantly less pleased.
"Who said 'cut'!?" She yelled, irritably trying to squirm free of Lincoln's grasp. Taking the hint, he loosened his grip, allowing Luan to spring to her feet and stand upright in the center of his palm. "I'm the director! Only I get to say 'cut'!
"I did."
Both siblings blinked in unison. They looked left, then they looked right, and finally, they looked down. Which, given the circumstances, probably should have been the first place to look. Regardless, it was at this point that they both caught sight of the small, black-haired girl standing a short distance away from Lincoln's right knee.
"OH, HEY LUCY," Lincoln said, offering a small wave to the younger girl.
"You both forgot I was here, didn't you?"
Lincoln pursed his lips as if he was about to say something, but all that followed was a deafening silence.
"I thought so."
"A-anyway!" Luan pushed on, shaking her fist at the younger Loud. "What's the big deal interrupting my scene?"
"You brought me along to edit this dreck for you," Said Lucy, proffering a pile of typewritten papers with one hand. Even from his vantage, Lincoln could make out an abundance of red ink scrawled all over the place, even under all the sticky notes that were slapped all over. "I'm exercising my right as the writer to alter the scene."
"What!?" Luan twitched in irritation. Taking the hint, Lincoln lowered his hand to the ground, allowing Luan to step off and confront her sibling face to face. Or, face to waist, given the height difference between the two.
"And just what's wrong with it?" Snarled the comedienne, stepping over to Lucy and placing her hands on her hips, clearly irate.
"All of it," Said Lucy, waving the script around vaguely. "But mostly the princess character. Princesses are played out. The conceit of the play is fundamentally flawed."
"Oh yeah?" Luan asked, one eyebrow raised. "And how would you fix it?"
Lucy's response was to place one hand upon Luan's waist, and then shove the older girl as hard as she could manage—
"Hey!"
—sending her tumbling to the ground. Her path now unobstructed, Lucy stepped lightly towards Lincoln and stopped. She peered up at her brother, the edges of her lips curling up ever so slightly.
"Obviously, the solution is to replace her with a vampire princess," She said, withdrawing a black, conical princess hat, adorned with tiny pictures of fangs and bat wings, from behind her back, and placed it on her head. "Now, let's take it from the top, big brother."
The sun was dipping down below the horizon when Lincoln finally managed to trudge home, Lola and Lana perched upon his shoulder, and Lola's car clutched in one hand, which dangled lifelessly against his side. The car was in slightly worse condition than it normally was, but the twins seemed unharmed and in excellent spirits. In his mind, that counted as a win.
Reaching the Loud House with a grateful sigh, Lincoln resisted the urge to simply drop the car to the ground, and instead gently placed it upon the lawn. Albeit, slightly harder than was necessary. Then he offered his palm to his sisters, got on his knees, and carefully transported them to the front door.
"THERE YOU GO, GIRLS," He said, giving the pair a tired smile. "NOW REMEMBER, DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO MOM OR DAD ABOUT THE YOU KNOW WHAT."
"We won't," The twins replied in unison, giving their brother a wave and a pair of delighted smiles. "Thanks, Linky!"
Lincoln waited until the girls had disappeared into the house. Then he climbed to his feet, and circled around to the back of the house, very much determined to find a soft place to lay down for the next several days. When he arrived, he was happy to find Luna in their spot, obviously waiting for him.
"Welcome back, lil bro" She greeted him, patting the spot next to her. Without hesitation, Lincoln hurried over and plopped down next to his sister, letting out a groan of contentment as he sunk down upon the ground. Luna reached one arm around his shoulder and pulled him close, placing his head against her chest. Lincoln, for his part, offered nothing in the way of resistance.
"So…" She began, leaning down and giving him a peck on the cheek. "How was your day?"
"Where do I begin?" Lincoln replied, chuckling. "So first Leni roped me into hanging out with a bunch of her friends..."