Okay, this is my broken-record-part: thank you Finduilas! I'm always so glad to get your reviews :) lol I'm so glad I actually conjured some emotion with this… writing sadness is so hard. Rest assured, I'm an indomitable romantic and cannot write sadness in itself… so Anomen won't be left in broken-hearted limbo. See? It starts right here (well, after a few years of broken-hearted limbo, I admit)…
Chapter II. Denial and acceptance
It was many days before he actually went to the Order. No one blamed him for his dark mood, and he tried, with average success, not to snap at anyone. It lasted a few days before Keldorn took him aside.
"Sir Anomen, are you sure you should be here? Maybe a few more days…"
"A few more days to do what, Keldorn? Wander around the empty house full of her memories?"
Anomen looked away, his chest constricting painfully again, as though the pain was new. Keldorn let out a long sigh.
"I understand, Anomen."
Then, Anomen burst out every bit of pain, loss, regret, bitterness and anger he had been tortured with for the last days.
"Why, Keldorn? Why her? Why now, why this way?" The priest's voice broke, and he paused to compose himself. "I lost my mother, my sister… my father… and the love of my life, and our children… What is the message my Lord Helm wants me to understand of all these trials?"
"Anomen, I don't think…"
"How have I failed her this time? What should have I done? Surely her destiny was not to die bearing my children after she overcame all that she overcame! Was it that my duty should have been to love her in spirit and soul only, and never in body? I married her, by all the gods! I loved her and cherished her and married her, and… and I killed her. How am I supposed to live with this? Why was she punished in this way, for what sin, for what failure? She was an elf, she was supposed to live for centuries, she was supposed… supposed to…"
Anomen fell silent again, his face haunted. Keldorn was silent for a long time.
"Anomen, you cannot see this as a punishment. It is what fate has decided, and it has nothing to do with your actions or hers. I know you loved her very much," the paladin paused, his voice quavering, and went on, "but you would not honour her memory if you let your old losses convince you to blame yourself. I know she would not have wanted this."
And it was true, Anomen knew it.
Anomen lowered his head on his bent arm on the table of the private antechamber where they were, and his heavy shoulders started to shake with sobs.
"But why? There… her death cannot be… cannot be meaningless and… and futile… There has to be a reason…"
"Those reasons are not for us mortals to know," Keldorn stated softly.
How the watchers had repeated this during his training as a priest, and yet… yet how hollow it suddenly seemed a comfort. He cried.
ooooo
Life goes on, cruelly, no matter what, and Anomen gradually went back to a life that was his own. He eventually left the manor to stay almost all the time at the Order, when he was not on campaigns. The only reminders he had of her was a single golden hair, found on her pillow after many weeks, and the Delryn ring that had belonged to his mother, then to his sister, that he thought he would give to a young cousin or other one day. For now, it was dangling on a chain from his neck.
It was four years later that a campaign took him further south than the Order usually went. He and his party were resting at an inn that night, and he noticed an uneasiness among his men as he came downstairs. They were casting him glances as he came down, with dark expressions. He wondered what was happening, when suddenly he noticed the music.
It was an elf singing, he knew it instantly. She was a beautiful lady, a gold elf also, and in many ways she reminded him of his lady; in many other ways, she was very different.
He caught only the last words of the song, as it was already begun. He stopped there, standing on the last step of the stairs. She was singing with a voice high and pure, with emotion carried with poignant intensity.
"She said I forgive you
Don't regret our time
You've got to move on love
Don't live out your life like a sad song
She said I forgive you
You must too or die
You've got to let me go
Angel eyes
Four years and still I dream
Agonize
Such beauty not since seen
Angel eyes
Your face is all I see
Agonize
Forever haunting me"
Anomen stood there in silence. There was no applause; the mood was not to lightness after such a song. Before he knew what he was doing, he was standing in front of the bard. She looked at him, her viol on her lap, and her expression became thoughtful and pained, as though she could guess what had happened to him. Anomen knelt and slowly, his hands slightly shaking, he put down Amousca's ring instead of a few gold pieces in the case of the bard's instrument.
His heart was aching to give up her ring, but he knew that no cousin could accept this ring, because its memory meant too much pain. And if he was to live his life as something else than a sad song, he had to let her go…
He nodded in silence to the bard as he got up. She returned his gaze levelly and nodded back. He went back up to the loneliness of his room, and when he was alone, for the first time in four years he felt at peace. He was sad, and he cried, but there was no more anger or resentment. He felt a soothing touch on his soul, Helm comforting him, or maybe her watching over him from beyond.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The lyrics are part of "Angel eyes" by Jerry Cantrell. Thank you ever so much for writing such a sadly wonderful song.