Chapter 5

Jack looked down at his son, fast asleep in the cot. He smiled as he watched him peacefully sleeping, reminding him so much of Martha. He had Martha's eyes, the best part Jack loved about her. He also had Martha's nose and ears, which looked so cute on Jack's handsome little man. Jack smiled as he pulled up a chair and leant his arm on the top of the cot's tall side, dangling his hand above the baby.
"You okay Matt?" Jack asked, gently stroking his head. "Can I get you a beer or something?" He laughed. Jack rested his head against the bars, and stared in the cot at Matt. After what seemed like ages, he eventually left Matt in the cot, and exited his room, leaving one baby monitor next to Matt's side, and the other clipped onto his belt. He also left the door open, just in case the batteries that he changed hourly were faulty. Jack walked into the kitchen to find Tony and Lucas, talking quietly. They'd learnt their lesson from raising their voices to a normal volume, because Jack had scolded them numerous times.
"Is the little tyke asleep?" Tony smiled. Jack nodded.
"Like a baby!" He laughed.
"How many weeks old now?" Lucas asked.
"8." Jack smiled proudly. Tony walked over to Jack and patted him on the shoulder.
"You enjoy every minute of it mate, it only goes downhill after they learn to talk." Everyone laughed.
"Well, I'm going to go for a walk with him in the stroller." Jack said.
"Do you want me to come?" Tony asked. Jack shook his head.
"Nah, I'll be fine on my own." He said, forcing a smile. He took the final sip of his beer and went in search for the stroller.

Jack pushed Matt along the path, stretched across the top of the long beach. He walked along, and eventually reached a secluded spot on the end, with a section shaded by trees. He walked up the path submerged in the shade, and followed the turn in direction, leading to a park. It was a piece of land that Alf owned, beautifully located opposite the beach, and filled with the most beautiful flowers you could imagine. Jack walked up to a bench, and parked Matt's pushchair beside it as he sat down. He rocked the stroller gently backwards and forwards, as he looked at his baby son. Jack's eyes then moved from the sleeping baby to the rock stood by the tree. Jack leant down and reached underneath Matt's seat, into the basket. A bunch of flowers were rested inside, the brightly coloured petals on the flowers were poking out. Jack then looked back down at the stone, whilst placing the flowers by his side.
"I brought Matt again." He began. "I think he likes it here." Jack said, talking to the large stone. "He's a great kid; he's not a moaner like the other ones in the hospital." Jack laughed. "You should have been there, you'd have laughed too at the other baby's pathetic cry, that constantly rung from their throats!" Jack exclaimed. "Now when Matt cried, his was the loudest, best scream out of all of them! Theirs were like little whimpers compared to Matt's huge cry!" Jack boasted. "Not that he cried a lot; my lad is tough and isn't a sissy, he doesn't cry at anything. Like his father." Jack grinned. He leant down to the headstone and swept away the dead flowers, replacing them with the fresh ones he'd brought. He sighed as he rested the dying ones in the basket underneath Matt. Jack then picked Matt up out of the stroller, and laid him in his arms. He then retired back to the bench to look at the grave before him.

"Everyone's been great. They're really helping me get through this, but no one more than my dad. He understands what I'm going through, because he went through the same when Mum died." Jack sighed. "I now understand what he meant when he said he couldn't have done it without me or Lucas." Jack said. "If I didn't have Matt, I don't know what I would have done. I'd have no one to live for; no one would need me. But now, Matt needs me. He needs a parent, and he's already lost a mum so I can't let him lose a dad too."

Jack stared towards Matt, a look of guilt swept across his face.
"I have to admit, when we found out that the cancer had returned, I didn't want to proceed with the baby - I was planning to ask Tasha to cancel the appointment. I just didn't want to face it without you; I didn't think I could do it without you. And I also thought it'd be too painful. But when I saw your face, and how persistent you were to continue with the IVF; I couldn't say no. I now know why you did it; it was to keep me going. So well done Mac, it worked!" Jack chuckled. "I hate to think what I'd have done if I didn't have him to live for." Jack added, in a serious whisper.

He kissed Matt on the forehead and placed him back in the stroller. He stared down at the disturbed earth, the earth that was beginning to produce blades of grass, further covering up the coffin that lay 6 feet underneath.
"I can't stop thinking about the day you went. You fought so hard." Jack said. "You were holding onto my hand so tightly that my knuckles stayed white for days. As if you were still gripping." Jack sighed. "I can still feel the tight grip; like it's fresh." He added, caressing his hand. "I think that's what made it worse; knowing that you desperately didn't want to go. I know how much you wanted to see Matt, and it was so unfair for you to leave a few weeks before he came. I wish you could see him now; you would adore him, I know you would. You'd have been a great mum to him." Jack sighed. "I'll make sure he knows everything about you; don't worry." He added.

"I miss you so much." He began, "I'm trying to get through this, but it's so hard. I just want to see you, I just want to talk to you and get a response, rather than a cool breeze." Jack said. "I want to hold you again, I want to do a real, over the top gesture that'll make you laugh, that'll make you smile. I want to tell you in the cheesiest way possible that I love you. But I can't; because you're gone." He said; his eyes were starting to form tears. "God I miss you." He chuckled, wiping a tear from under his watery eye. "I always knew I'd miss you, from the day at the hospital, when you were diagnosed with that damn cancer again. I knew it would be hard; but nothing could prepare me for this." He swallowed, trying to hold the tears from seeping out of his eyes. "It's like… well… the silly little things. They're the worst. I know it sounds stupid, and you're probably laughing at me now, but I just miss the things you used to do." Jack paused for a moment, smiling to himself as he thought about Martha in his head. "Like… when you worked at the bar. During my breaks, I'd pop in, knowing you'd be there. Sometimes I'd act surprised, like I didn't think you were working. I don't know why, maybe it was because I didn't want you to realise just how obsessed I was about you; but you probably knew that anyway." He chuckled. "I could just watch you, serving the customers, having a laugh, or just daydreaming. Being Martha. You looked so radiant, so beautiful. I would watch you and feel like the luckiest guy on earth, because you were mine." Jack's smile began to fade. "But now when I go in, I see Alf. Not that he isn't as beautiful…" Jack laughed. "It's weird to go into Noah's now, and not see you working, behind the bar. It's like I expect to see you there; so when I don't, I'm reminded of the fact that you'll never be cleaning that bar again." Jack's voice trailed off as his breathing grew heavier.

He looked at his watch. "I hate leaving you." He blurted out. "I hate having to walk away down that path; away from you. I guess it's because I know you won't be calling out, shouting me back, or even running after me. You'll just be here, awaiting my next visit." Jack said; his tears were beginning to creep back. "But, there'll always be a next visit. I'll always be coming here Martha; I'll never forget. This is the one place where Matt and I can come, and truly focus on you. I can talk to you this way, right here on the bench, and I don't know why, but being here makes me feel as if you can hear me. You might not be able to. You might just be in a never-ending dream; or you might be watching over us. I guess I'll find out in quite a few years… but I know I'll see you someday again. I just know it. And then I can tell you that I love you, just one more time. I can hold you again, and I can talk to you, and receive an answer. But until that day comes, I'll keep visiting here, and keeping you company." Jack whispered weakly, his voice was rapidly deteriorating as his tears were starting to trickle down his face. He stood up and faced the gravestone.
"Goodbye Martha." He said, shielding his tears with a smile, and turning around to face the stroller. He pushed it slowly; not looking back. He knew that if he did, then the force would just pull him right back to the bench, by Martha's side.