There are reasons for abandoning your home country in the most drastic of ways, or perhaps there are no reasons that could explain all of the complexities and all of the indecision involved in fleeing to the opposing side and joining up with them. Less rationale could probably explain why she'd cut her hair off, hiding beneath a uniform until she looks like a soldier and not a woman.
It's even harder to explain how a friendship with another woman soldier gets her through it, or the way that they can share this secret with apparent ease. Shirayuki feels safe here, safe as Knight, safe without the worry that one day soon, the prince of Tanbarun will wander right over to her and steal her away. It's an option she denied, and there's a choice she wants to make, that Kiki even assured her is her own decision to make, whatever allows her that chance to choose.
It's Kiki, who guards her secret the best, and Shirayuki knows that if one day the secret spills from her own lips, Zen's company will understand, because they understand Kiki, as their female soldier, loyal to them, and powerful on the battlefield.
Just Raji Shenazard won't think to look into a camp of rebel soldiers for the woman he tried to charm, and besides, if he spots her hair, she can hold her own and convince him that she's a distant relative, a young man that bears an uncanny resemblance to Shirayuki, the red haired maiden that he'd tried to charm.
She's more medic than soldier, but Kiki's been teaching her swordsmanship, reassuring her, helping her to get over her fears. But every time that Shirayuki kills a man, she feels that creeping feeling ease up from beneath her through to her heart, and she still feels sick, almost as if just falling over would help her.
It's not the wounds that do it to her; she's seen many wounds, even fatal ones before as she's treated patients that have experienced their fair share of pain and suffering. Just, the ever present idea that this time she's caused it is what hurts the most.
She's as unequipped to be a foot soldier as any medic, but Kiki instructs her on how to hold a sword, how to swing it, how to strategize, how to survive the chaos. Kiki's a lifesaver. If Shirayuki had ended up with a group without another woman, or rather another woman like Kiki who immediately saw through her, she was pretty sure she'd be dead.
She spent many of her nights practicing with a sword or making medicine, anything to get her through this and the whole company as well. Despite the warm feelings and affection she held for the whole group, despite all of that, this one man, an enemy really turned her life upside down in an instant.
She meets him on the battlefield, his sword comes so close to piercing her or rather slicing through her like meat under a butcher's knife, and she realizes that he's the type of soldier that Kiki's been preparing her for. The one who knows his stuff and isn't afraid to kill, the type that like an animal delights in the chaos.
Shirayuki's struggling to maintain her own, and even so, it's Kiki coming over and this man's startlement that saves her life. She needs to practice more then; she's too unused to this all, still too weak. It's a struggle even as she watches him leave, backing up and defending herself from less bloodthirsty men.
She swallows past the lump in her throat that feels like a boulder, and watches for any of Zen's company and any injuries that they might sustain. She needs to be on the lookout, to save others, it's the only part of this that doesn't in some small way feel like a ruse.
The night is quiet and the air is far too cool, and yet Shirayuki can't sleep. Her hands feel numb with exhaustion, and she's half convinced that she can't unsheathe her sword and practice, even if it's alone and Kiki's well asleep. But as she moves out of her tent and sets up a fire, she spots him, the soldier that nearly killed her before retreating. Was he afraid of Kiki earlier in the day?
Did he recognize either of them? That feels impossible, but yet she reaches for her sword, prepares herself for a solo fight that she might not win especially as exhaustion mixed with a sudden spike of adrenaline hit her out of the blue. And yet she's not carrying it. She doesn't make a habit of sleeping with a sword attached to her hip, and she suddenly wishes that she did or that she would have thought to do that tonight at the very least.
"Why are you here?" She braves herself, because even hand to hand, she's half sure she can figure something out.
"I couldn't kill a woman medic, playing soldier." Is what he says, and her heart jumps to her throat, too fast, too frantic. How did he notice? Kiki spotted her, because they are both woman soldiers. Mitsuhide, Zen, and the others hadn't noticed anything different about her yet. She thought she'd made a good illusion so far because of all this.
"How?"
"It's easy to see." That doesn't help her much at all; an enemy soldier came close enough to tell she's a woman? Does he have a good eye? Or something? Hopefully, no one else just picks up on this now.
"Thank you?" She feels herself ask; at least he couldn't kill her, though that almost makes her feel weak all at once too. But she steps closer; if he couldn't kill her then, he probably won't kill her now.
"It's nothing to thank." His eyes don't stay on her, when Shirayuki decides that she's close enough. Being too close after all is still dangerous, even this close could possibly be. But he looks back at his camp; perhaps he's feeling guilty for leaving, maybe he regrets walking away, and will hurry back to those that he's fought beside all this time.
He's as still as a statue until she touches him, a friendly pat to his shoulder, an attempt to get his attention that works like magic. His eyes return to her.
"Are you surrendering?" She asks, because any other explanation even seems iffy, though it's not like this one seems any easier in reality either.
"I'm not the type, Miss." He even doesn't give into the illusion that she's tried to cast, but yet, it's the first time that anyone's referred to her as a lady or anything similar in a while, like being a soldier hasn't dismantled her natural femininity, it's almost charming just as it's disarming, "I am more of a criminal than a good soldier."
Where exactly has he been? What exactly has he done? A criminal certainly shouldn't be able to just join the side of Tanbarun, be a loyalist, when loyalty is a little sketchy from the ones that have often broke the same laws they are trying to uphold. Surely, it's metaphor not reality?
"Do you want to join Zen's company?" Perhaps he didn't come here to surrender, but instead to join the enemy side, to fight alongside them, to help them win. And Zen isn't much for formality among him and the troops; it's one of the reasons that despite her lies and falsehoods, that she feels almost like part of the family here.
"Is he your boyfriend?" He asks, sarcasm ever present in his voice, and she thinks back to the warmth she feels around Zen, the way her heart has skipped some beats before, and the thought startles her. She isn't dating Zen, and isn't really planning to get involved with anyone that way, not when she's fighting to survive and maintain her independence. War isn't the time for romance after all.
Of course, it's easy to picture how that could happen after the war, but even her own heart can be easily confused, and she's not going to try to picture the future when that's as make believe as a fairytale often seems. Just to survive takes all of her effort right now as well as trying to make sure everyone else does too.
"No." Shirayuki laughs; romance is far from her mind with this war and surviving being the most important things to her, besides, "He doesn't know I'm a woman. Only Kiki knows, and she isn't telling anyone."
"He hasn't figured it out?" He looks so lost at the idea, and Shirayuki wonders briefly how obvious she was to this man.
"He expects the illusion. He knows Kiki's a woman, and accepted her into his company anyway. They are good friends." She longs for the day when they'll treat her the same way, but she needs to be strong enough that they won't find her too weak to be out on the battlefield. And besides before meeting Kiki, her plan had been to never tell anyone. Maybe after the war, assuming they all survive, she'll open up to them about all of this.
"Ah." He nods, as if it all makes sense to him now, "Who do they think you are?"
"I go by an assumed name." Shirayuki sighed, shaking her head, "My fake last name is Knight." It had sounded cool and a bit more masculine anyway, almost metaphorical on the battlefield after all, she smiled, "I don't think I ever gave myself a first name, that's harder to pick." Any name she tossed around, hadn't felt like her, hadn't seemed to work, so first names weren't easy to pick even as a false identity.
"I'm Obi." He sighed, somehow lazily, as if it was just a thing to say now, something to reveal just as easily as if it were already revealed, "Assumed names are my specialty." Perhaps he'd have good ideas for a first name for her then? It's too late though for her to really want one anymore, so she knows she'll just be Knight to these soldiers for as long as she can pull it off.
"Oh?"
"It's easier." Obi stands up, and she'd forgotten just how tall he was compared to her until now. She wonders if her height was part of what gave away her illusion.
"I'm Shirayuki." She answers, offering her hand for him to help her up, which he answers with more strength than she'd realized he had. He's definitely strong enough to be a soldier, even when she wonders if she's ever been strong enough to be out here.
"Snow White, huh?" He grins, and the fact that he could translate her name leaves butterflies in her chest, a nervous, happy, jittery heartbeat too, "Not bad, though I'd never expect the famous Snow White to be a soldier."
"Only so many times can she accept a prince's threat and be on his side still." And it's the truth; she can't side with Raji after his advances or attempts thereof. She's not interested in life as a concubine at all.
"True. It would be a fool's errand to stay by his side." He answers, half-calling himself a fool or rather admitting his now betrayal of his company; Shirayuki smiles.
"You were his soldier, loyal and true, to the throne." Shirayuki teases, steps foot into Obi's game; it's a nice place to be.
"Only as loyal as the length of my tent." And Obi gestures back in the direction of his camp; definitely not the most loyal of soldiers, after all.
"Not to the battlefield?" She jokes.
"Not to the battlefield." He agrees, and there's still that level of jumping hearts and butterflies. It's nice to talk with Obi, and maybe being enemies at first was just an opening, a new beginning to them being friends now, even if her heart is still beating a little funny, and she feels happy in a way that she's not used to.