LONGING FOR PEACE
"I'll give you two weeks. The only way you can truly prove your love is to get married in the Capitol. Don't disappoint me, Miss Everdeen. I have been forced to turn down dozens of eager individuals who would hand over fortunes for the company of you or Mr. Mellark. I'm sure you've met Mr. Sil. He's extremely upset that he cannot offer you the opportunities here that will surely make you both idols of the Capitol, just like Mr. Odair."
"We'll do it. But please, don't punish Peeta if I fail you. He doesn't deserve it," I insist.
"Oh, but Miss Everdeen, he'll be the most successful out of the two of you."
My heart is slamming against my chest when I wake, and I find myself even more terrified when Peeta is no where to be found. It's been two days since the Victor's celebration, and we're on the train ride back home. The lavish party at the President's mansion, albeit seemingly successful, only added more demands for Peeta and me. After President Snow's speech, congratulating us on our victory and our engagement, he requested to have a word with me in private out on the balcony. In only two weeks, I must return to the Capitol, with my family and friends, to get married to Peeta.
I throw off the covers and find a robe hung up in the closet. Forgetting about how Effie will scold me for showing up to breakfast in my pajamas, I rush to the dining car. Peeta's there, having breakfast quietly with the others. He looks so effortlessly perfect in this moment, with his blond hair tousled a bit from sleep and his rosy, chiseled face munching away on buttered toast. Too perfect. I wish he wasn't so amiable and attractive because he's going to end up the next Finnick.
As I sit down beside him to have my breakfast and half listen to the conversation he's having with Haymitch, I gradually admit to myself that what Snow is really stealing from Peeta and me is time. Where would we be if we were given time? That is, if I allowed myself to fall in love with him on my own. In some utopian world with no games. I can't afford to wonder about it constantly, but sometimes I can't help but think.
When we finally get off the train, I don't hesitate to run towards Prim and my mother. I have missed them terribly being away these past weeks. At least, when I have to return to the Capitol they will get to come with me. I turn to see that Hazelle Hawthorne and her kids also came to greet me at the station, but Gale is nowhere in sight.
"I'm sorry, Katniss, but he had to work late in the mines," Hazelle explains as she hugs me. I can hear the tightness in her voice. The extended pain that Gale must feel. Gale. I couldn't force myself to tell him about the marriage before I left. And now any future involving the two of us is gone. But I just want my best friend back. I need to see him, to somehow explain all of this despite how little it may help.
The next morning, I force myself to get up at the crack of dawn and find Gale before he goes to work. Blue shadows cling to be as I wander throughout the Seam, the air cold and a bit dusty around the mines. I reach the Hawthorne's house, almost identical to my old one. I discover Gale sitting on his front porch in blackened clothes, pulling on his work boots and organizing his mining equipment in a large sack. The sight of him reminds me so much of my father that I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. I dread the next steps I take towards him. His first glance up at me transforms into a glare. He immediately shakes his head.
"Oh no, somehow you're coming here to tell me that you can explain all of this. This, this shit that you didn't bother to mention to me before I find out from the common gossip in the Hob, Katniss." Gale jumps off of the porch and pushes past me, marching towards the east entrance to the mines.
"Gale, stop! Please, I know you're upset. I'm sorry. I didn't tell you because I thought you'd know that it was part of the act," I call after him, grabbing at his shirt sleeve. He whips around.
"So, it's not real? Any of it at all?"
"I... no, the marriage is not real," I stammer.
"So, you're not moving in with Mellark? You'll have a Capitol wedding, but come home to Twelve and still live with your mother and sister?" He demands for an answer, his voice almost pleading.
"Gale, it-it can't be like that. For him to believe... for Snow to believe it, I have to stay with Peeta," I force out. Gale kicks furiously at the nearest rock in the path.
"Fuck! Well, that seems pretty real to me, Katniss! No, you can't actually do it. Why can't you just find a way out of it? There has to be a way out," He exclaims, suddenly desperate as he take my hands. I shake my head somberly.
"There isn't, Gale. Snow will... will force Peeta and I into Capitol slavery if we don't... and if we refuse that, then he'll kill our families. He'll kill you."
"What do you mean Capitol slavery? Aren't you already a slave to this marriage?" He presses.
"No, Gale. Listen, I'll end up just like those women who hang around Clay's. Or the ones around the slag heaps. That's what I'm trying to say," I elaborate in a quiet tone. Gale is taken aback for a moment, and I see that he's registering what I'm saying.
"You mean... Katniss..."
I nod, confirming the fear growing in his eyes.
"How... But how is that much different from marrying, Peeta? You'll be a slave to him, too," Gale mutters bitterly.
"Peeta would never force himself on me. It's not the same. And I-I can't pretend with him forever. Eventually, it's-it's going to have to be real," I tell him, knowing that I cannot keep this reality from Gale any longer. He drops my hands, a mingled expression of betrayal and sorrow on his face.
"You are making a choice? You choose him."
"Gale-"
"I can't talk to you anymore. I need to go," Gale spins around and disappears down the path. My throat tightens, and I clamp a hand over my mouth before I let out an audible sob. I swallow back my tears, forcing myself to forget the terrible look on Gale's face. After a moment standing there like an idiot, I go home and hide in my bed under the covers for a while. In this moment, more than ever, I wish I was still a child.
It takes me a few days to get past my terrible interaction with Gale. I get up before the sun rises to spend some time in the Meadow and then stay in my room dawdling most of the day. When my mother inquires about what's wrong with me, I make the excuse that I'm not feeling well. She suspects that I'm anxious about the wedding and tries to comfort me.
"Katniss, you can call it off. I think you and Peeta are far too young, anyhow. I'm sure everyone will understand if you wait a year or two," she says, stroking my hair as I lay in bed one afternoon. How can I tell her that I appreciate her motherly advice, but it's entirely impossible?
Prim seems to understand a bit better. When my mother leaves the room, she asks if this is because of Gale. I can't bring myself to respond.
"We all know about his feelings for you, Katniss... But maybe he'll be able to overcome them because of your long friendship. It might just take some time," Prim expresses hopefully. I love my sister and her optimism, so much like my father's and Peeta's, and nothing like me.
Peeta stops by the following morning to drop off fresh bread and probably to see if I'm still alive. I'm reluctant to meet him after my encounter with Gale, but a strong sense of longing overtakes me. I haven't seen him much since the train ride, and I miss him at night. I yank the door open.
"Hi. I brought chocolate chip bread, thought you might like some," Peeta holds out the the bundled loaf over the threshold.
"Okay, just for that, I'll allow you inside," I tell him, opening the door wider, and he hurries in before I let in a draft. We sit at the table and devour the bread with some fresh milk and strawberries to go with it. Prim and my mother join us and praise Peeta for his skills.
"I'm glad Katniss is going to marry you because then I'll have easy access to the best baked goods in Twelve," Prim says happily, causing Peeta and I to laugh.
"I could teach you to bake stuff, Prim, if you'd like. I think your sister would rather stay far away from an oven, though," Peeta teases, causing me to roll my eyes.
"Yes, I'd love to learn, Peeta! Thank you!" Prim throws her arms around Peeta's neck, startling him for a moment before his face melts and he returns the hug. I smile, enjoying seeing Peeta bond with my sister.
"I guess I'll join in on one lesson, that is if I get to eat some," I decide.
The first week home passes by quickly, and I find myself allowing Peeta to share time with my sister and having many of his meals at our house. His charm has also worked on my mother, who appreciates not only his genuine kindness but also his help to our family. He sometimes makes dinner, checks over my sister's homework, and even takes care of Buttercup when Prim is at school and I'd rather avoid that cat at all costs.
My current estrangement with Gale pains me, and once or twice I think about trying to go and talk to him again, but I know better. He holds his grudges longer than me and needs time. I also don't know how else I can re-phrase it to him that I will be marrying Peeta and it's final without causing explosion.
It will be difficult to get a hold of him anyhow because Gale and the other coal miners are working double shifts now because of the new regulations in Twelve. I sense that this strictness has to do with the uprisings in the other districts. I'm worried that it's only a matter of time before something happens in Twelve, too. And if it does happen... well, then Snow will blame it on me, and I will have failed. The possibility that a rebellion may begin, whether or not Peeta and I get married, frightens yet encourages me at the same time. At the moment, I'm not sure what to make of it or how to react. All I can think about right now is my family and Peeta's current safety.
My prep team arrives five days prior to our departure for the wedding ceremony to plan out my various dress styles. The Capitol apparently begged for a photo shoot so they can vote on my dress. Not that I care, but my personal choice of a wedding dress has been stripped away from me, too. Prim, who enjoys fancy things and frills more than I do, sits in the living room and enjoys the show. She even helps pick out some of my jewelry with Venia.
After an entire day of being stripped down and zipped up into one heavy dress to the next along with the pulling and twisting of hair and the repainting of my face six times, I'm left feeling raw and exhausted. Peeta delights my family and the crew with cheese buns and cranberry bread in the late afternoon as a snack.
"You really shouldn't be in here while I'm trying all of these on," I tell him in fake seriousness as they are unzipping me from a creamy tule dress that spreads out around the entire living room. "In the Capitol, the groom is technically not allowed to see the bride in her wedding dress."
"Where did you hear that?" Peeta asks.
"My prep team. They're giving me a crash course on Capitol wedding customs," I reply, relieved as I'm wrapped up in a cozy robe and have the ability to collapse onto the couch.
"You want me to make dinner at my place? I should really hear more about these wedding customs," Peeta suggests. I smile at his offer.
"Okay."
Although my mother and Prim are more than welcome to join Peeta and me, they decide to decline and cook up something at our house. I sense that they are trying to allow Peeta and I to have time to ourselves, since we're engaged and all.
"You go ahead. We'll make your prep team and the crew dinner here," My mother tells me with an approving look, giving me her permission to spend time alone with Peeta.
"Wow, you really worked wonders on her," I say once Peeta and I walk across the courtyard together to his house.
"Well, I'm glad she likes me, at least. Hey, I think I could whip up something that resembles the pasta with the green sauce and cheese that we had on the train ride," Peeta offers as we hurry inside to his warm, glowing kitchen.
"That sounds fantastic. Do you want me to help you?" I ask, feeling useless otherwise. Peeta begins creating the sauce on one side of the stove while I begin boiling water in a large pot on the other. As I wait for the water to heat up to throw in the pasta, my eyes follow Peeta's hands as he combines different spices and herbs. His fingers seem soft yet strong, vacant of most of the scars he received in the games due to the Capitol's advanced medical technology. I'm so used to these hands now. They have painted incredible pictures, molded dough to make the best treats, and have comforted me with gentle touches.
I glance up at him, his eyebrow furrowed in concentration with a few strands of blond hair falling across his eyes. He's so... good. Too good for me, I fear. I don't deserve him. I don't feel and think like him nor do I have the power to use words like he does. Yet, I've grown... attached to him. I know it's too late. I know I've slipped and my feelings have expanded into something that I can't yet explain. Peeta, without even knowing it, has given me moments of calmness and stability that I thought I had completely lost because of the games. He's no longer the boy I speculated about and was weary to trust on that first train ride.
"Katniss, you should probably put in the pasta now," Peeta directs, pointing at my sizzling pot, almost overflowing now. I hastily turn down the stove dial.
"Sorry. Okay, I'll do that," I say, removing myself from a trance. In decent time, I cook the pasta without burning it. Peeta carefully dribbles the creamy sauce over it, creating a delicious dish very similar to the one we had on the train, almost better. We sit down across from each other at the table and talk about simple things over dinner. I like talking about simple things with him.
Peeta pulls out some cookies for dessert, and I help him clean up the dishes. We wash the plates and silverware and pots side by side. He washes and I dry them, setting them in the top cupboard. I'm startled when Peeta accidentally sprays himself trying to clean out a pan and soaks his face and shirt collar. I laugh and poke fun at him until he threatens to spray me, too. Drips of water dangle from his long blond eyelashes, trickling down his face. Without really thinking, I take the rag and dab away the water.
Peeta studies me, the pan slipping from his grasp. Somehow, his hand gently grabs mine. A deep, familiar hunger stirs within me. I recognize this feeling. I've tried to resist it, but tonight I'm not sure if I'll succeed. My gaze meets his before traveling across his face to his lips. This is where I'm too weak. Peeta's hands find their way around my hips, holding me against the sink. My hands drag upwards to cup his jaw. It's a chaste kiss, slow and gentle. Peeta's about to pull away, but I don't return to reality as fast as he does. I bring him towards me again. The second kiss hits me. It's strong and delicious and causes my entire body to buzz.
"Katniss-" Peeta murmurs into my mouth, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. I'm not sure why this time Peeta says my name it affects me.
"Do you-is this for real?" He whispers, his eyes finding mine searchingly. Those words, that question, guides me back to reality, and I feel a hint of guilt. I remember how I hurt him before because of a kiss like this during the games. But I think this is a bit different. No, I can't be certain of anything at the moment. I don't deserve Peeta. I don't deserve his love or kindness or comfort, especially after I've caused him pain. But I have to marry him. At least, Peeta should have a real marriage. And I don't necessarily feel like I'm pretending anymore when I kiss him.
"I think so. I-I just want you," I stammer. Is that all I'm able to say? Wow, what a declaration of love. When Peeta releases his grip on me, I don't blame him. My answer is probably not what he wants.
"Katniss, I'm not asking you if you love me... I understand how difficult these feelings can be and with everything going on, I know you can't afford to think about love," he speaks sincerely, calming me a bit. Although, I still feel like I need to prove myself to him. Some of what I feel is sincere and true.
"I do feel for you... you know I'm terrible with words... but I want to be with you, be around you. You give me peace, Peeta," I get out roughly, my heart threatening to leap out of my throat. Peeta's lips twitch upwards, forming a smile. The hunger lurches inside of me again.
I hate feelings and hormones.
"You give me peace, too," he replies softly. "And, I wouldn't mind it in the slightest if I could kiss you more often," he adds. I feel my body desiring to collide with his again, but I try to gain some self control.
I leave his house quietly that night, my lips brushing against his again before I go. At home, I lay in bed assessing the consequences of what has just happened between us. Maybe I got too carried away? But, on the other hand, maybe I should have stayed longer, allowed Peeta to kiss me more. I'm still trying to process my feelings, to understand them. But all I feel is just the simple desire to be with Peeta.
Is it love? I'm not sure. To love him scares me because then I'd have to feel like I need to protect him and worry about him constantly like I do with my mother and Prim. And I don't think I'm good enough for him... Nobody's good enough for Peeta's heart. But at least, I enjoy being with him. I enjoy kissing him.