No more death.
Its seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, But where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!
(Peter and Lois are shown in the kitchen and Peter sits at the table and Lois is standing around preparing something on the counter)
Meg: (Comes running in crying from her day at school and sits at the table) my life sucks!
Lois: (Walks over to Meg) ah… there, there, honey what's wrong?
Peter: yeah… (Not really paying attention)
Meg: I asked Craig Hoffman out today and the worse thing could have happened!
(Before at school)
Meg: (In the hall walks up to Craig at his locker) umm… Craig, if it's alright with you, you think you could go out with me on Saturday?
Craig: that depends, considering the fact that I don't play by anyone else's rules but my own.
Meg: well… you won't have to.
Craig: just let me check my sources. (Walks away)
Meg: (Stands there waiting)
Craig: (Just comes walking back) I checked my sources.
Meg: and?
Craig: no. (Walks away)
Meg: but Craig!
Craig: sorry, sweet cheeks but you played by my rules and I can't let anyone play by my rules unless they are my own.
Meg: what?
Craig: exactly… oh, and I can see you ass sticking out of your pants. (Walks away)
Meg: huh? (Looks at her back and notices she forgot to put underwear on in the morning)
Kid in the hall: hey, everyone Meg forgot to put on her panties this morning! Let's point and laugh and make a cheap impression. (Starts pointing and laughing)
(A bunch of other kids come over and start pointing and laughing)
Meg: (Runs away crying)
(Back to now)
Lois: oh… I'm sorry Meg.
Meg: I can't believe just a simple question to the boy of my dreams results in me not having any underwear!
Peter: (Not paying attention) well at least you tried honey…
Lois: Peter! Do you even know what's going on?
Peter: no, I want meat on my sandwich.
(Later Peter sits on the couch watching TV)
(There is a knock on the door)
Peter: ah, crap… (Gets up and opens the door) yeah what do you- (Eyes grow wide)
Mr. Weed: Peter!
Peter: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Slams the door and starts to bolt it shut with a hammer and nails)
Lois: (Comes walking in) Peter! What's going on?
Peter: I just saw the ghost of Mr. Weed! Quickly, Lois we must do an exorcism and send him back to the beyond, just draw a Jesus circle and we should be on our way.
Lois: Peter! Mr. Weed is not at that door. (She opens it as if it weren't bolted shut) see he's- oh my god!
Mr. Weed: Lois! Peter! You don't know how good it is to see you!
Lois: Peter…
Peter: yes, honey…?
Lois: call the father over here…
Peter: right away honey…
Mr. Weed: no, no, no, please there is no need for that; I am but flesh and blood.
Peter: but how? You croaked right here in our house.
Mr. Weed: or, so you thought…
(In his grave under the ground)
Story: you see, I was dead for some time, but then something happened.
Mr. Weed: (Is shown all dead and everything but then he awakens and is breathing as if he was holding his breathe and just got a breathe out) Story: you see just like people that can get resesiated after drowning I came back the same way. I just missed many… many breathes for some time. I was stuck down in the underground in my coffin scratching my way out) (He is shown trying to knock his way out) Story: but the good thing was that it was night time and body snatcher come out at that time and they dug up my grave and opened my casket. (Mr. Weed had his eyes closed. The men are shown opening up the casket) Story: and I did the only thing I could… (He is shown opening his eyes then punching both men and they fall over into another grave and our screaming and shouting, and Mr. Weed starts to bury them and is laughing hysterically) Story: but at that was beside the point when I did that. Anyways I am back in the world of the living once more.
Peter: (Is shown wide eyed)
Lois: (Is also wide eyed) well, as long as you still have your health… umm… I always say… (Laughs a bit but doesn't really mean it)
Mr. Weed: I just need to tell everyone that I am alive and well.
Peter: don't worry, Mr. Weed! We will get the word out before this day is done! (All heroic)
(In Stewie's room)
Meg: (Changing Stewie's diaper) Stewie could you stop moving around so much!
Stewie: could you stop committing sexual harassment towards me! Or at least just take a picture! You little pervert!
Derrick: (Is at the doorway of her room) you know you could do that faster you know…
Meg: Uncle Derrick I really don't need this right now!
Derrick: (Walks close to her) ah, poor, poor, Meg missed an opportunity to go out with Craig Hoffman. (Laughs) like you ever had a chance with him.
Meg: shut up! I am not hearing this right now Uncle Derrick!
Derrick: I'm sure that Craig is all like, "Oh, my god Megan Griffin asked me out on a date? I think I need an aspirin!"
Meg: could you just get out of my room! (Yelling)
Derrick: no, this is too much fun!
Meg: mom! Uncle Derrick is making fun of me!
Derrick: what ever she says it's not true! (Acting like a kid) (He runs out of the room) you may have won round one Meg but you certainly won't win round two! (Runs away)
Meg: (Continues to change Stewie) I can't believe him!
Stewie: you know he's right on all the accounts I'm pretty sure Craig is saying that. (Starts laughing) you're such a loser!
Meg: (Looks saddened)
(Downstairs later)
Mr. Weed: okay… okay… here is what we do. (Sitting at table with pen and a bunch of letters he will be writing) I am going to write letters to all the Happy Go Lucky former employees and we will meet at the site where the factory once stood.
Peter: umm… Mr. Weed, I'm happy that you're back and all, but do you really think that people are going to come to the site, even to know they think you're dead, I mean do you think that they are going to believe that you're really alive, I mean miracles like this only come maybe once or twice in a life time, like the time I got the check.
(One time)
Peter: (Looking at a check) oh… yeah! I just one three million dollars in cash! This is great, now I can support my family through the next 100 generations.
(You get a view of the check and it says, notice of Eviction you must pay three million dollars or you're house will be demolished)
(Back to now)
Mr. Weed: don't worry Peter they will come. They all know my handwriting. (Begins to write the letters out)
(Many hours later)
Peter: (Is over sleeping)
Mr. Weed: (Finishing up the last letter and he licks the seal and closes it) There we go all finished!
Peter: (Wakes up) ah, uh, oh, okay Mr. Weed will get those mailed right away. Just as soon as I get some sleep for another 15 hours… (About to go back to sleep)
Mr. Weed: no, no, Peter! I must mail them now! I can't wait any longer to reveal my living again. (Grabs Peter and goes outside with all the letters and puts them in the mailbox) now we must wait a little while until morning and then we will meet with our former employees by tomorrow afternoon.
Peter: if you say so, Mr. Weed. (Falls to sleep snoring)
Mr. Weed: tomorrow will be my day of redemption!
(Tomorrow)
Meg: (Is shown watching TV on the couch)
Derrick: (Pops up from behind her)
Meg: ah! (Jumps up)
Derrick: (Starts to laugh) ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You… you… should have seen the look on your ugly face, it was priceless! (Starts laughing more)
Meg: god! Uncle Derrick! Can't you just stay out of my life?
Derrick: not till Wednesday. (Starts to laugh again) oh, I love making myself laugh.
Stewie: (Comes walking in) okay… okay… I got one! Why was the face scared to cross the road?
Derrick: why?
Stewie: because Megan was on the other side! (Begins laughing)
Derrick: (Laughs as well) that one was priceless!
Stewie: yeah, we totally caught her on that one!
Meg: (Runs away crying)
Derrick: oh, boo-hoo!
Stewie: yeah, boo-hoo!
(They both share a long laugh)
Stewie: I simply adore you Derrick!
(They continue to laugh)
Derrick: (Then stops) how come Brian and I are the only ones that listen to you?
(Later Mr. Weed is shown standing at the bathroom mirror with his suit on striating his tie)
Peter: umm… Mr. Weed…
Mr. Weed: yes, Peter?
Peter: so, if everyone comes to the wreckage of the Happy Go Lucky… does that mean were going to rebuild it… and… and start work there again?
Mr. Weed: I don't see why not? And guess what Peter… if all goes through as planned I will give you the position of head of manufacturing, in that position you get to boss the factory workers around.
Peter: oh, my god! I've always wanted to boss people around!
(Another time)
Peter: (Playing with his dolls as a child) you get those files sent in right away Mrs. Lady Person. (Showing the woman doll) but Mr. Boss sir- there's no butts in this office Missy! Either give me a blow job or send in those files! Oh… you're a cruel man Mr. Boss! Yeah, whatever… bitch.
(Back to now)
Peter: I would be honored to take that position Mr. Weed.
Mr. Weed: well, you earned it Peter.
Peter: and I won't let you down either.
Mr. Weed: thank you Peter! For all of your support these past few days, you're like a brother to me. (Hugs Peter)
Peter: you too Mr. Weed. (Pats him on the shoulder)
Mr. Weed: (Starts to squeeze Peter a bit)
Peter: umm… Mr. Weed…
Mr. Weed: I… I could just kiss you right now…
Peter: (Makes Mr. Weed let go) I think we've had enough of that for the time being, but let's get to the site.
Mr. Weed: great thinking head of manufacturing. (Walks down the stairs)
Peter: (Under his breathe) psycho…
(Later)
(The Bathroom)
Meg: (Is shown on the toilet from her head down to her chest)
(From outside the door)
Derrick: look, everyone I'm Meg! I'm using the bathroom!
Meg: (Sighs) could you just stay away!
Derrick: I may have issues but I have tissues to wipe my ass! (Laughs)
Stewie: I got one! How come the man didn't sit down?
Derrick: why for that?
Stewie: because he didn't want to sit on Meg's Poo!
Derrick: (Starts to laugh)
Stewie: (laughs to)
(Stewie tells such lame jokes)
Meg: can't you two just go and make fun of someone else.
Derrick: wait, a second that sounded more like a fart, then words! What are you constipated?
Stewie: (laughs)
Derrick: (laughs as well)
(They laugh together)
Meg: I hate you two!
(They laugh more)
Derrick: I should get a job in stand up; I'd totally knock the crowd dead. And Stewie you can be my back up.
Stewie: what are friends for?
(They start to laugh together)
Derrick: oh, yeah by the way Meg I used up all the toilet paper you're going to have to find something else.
Meg: arrggg! (Getting mad)
Derrick: I told you she was constipated…
(They walk away)
Meg: I'm going to kill them!
(The site where Happy Go Lucky once stood)
Mr. Weed: (Stands there in his suit with Peter waiting for everyone to arrive)
Peter: they'll probably be here any minute now Mr. Weed.
Mr. Weed: you are probably right.
(Time passes and Peter and Mr. Weed have tired looks on their faces)
(Some more time passes and Peter is asleep standing up)
Mr. Weed: (Still stands there waiting awake)
(Some kids come walking by)
The Old man: (Who was the child molester who shows up a lot come walking by chasing them, if you can that would be nice if you'd tell me this guys name) wait… children I just wanted to give you some pop sickles from the cellar, hmmm, they are real gooooooood….. (Walks by)
(Some more times passes and the sun is getting ready to go down over the hill)
Greased up Deaf Guy: (He comes running by) why are you chasing me?
Security: why are you running from us? You deaf son of a bitch!
Greased up Deaf Guy: you ain't never goin to catch me! (Running around)
(Some more times passes by)
Peter: (Wakes up) wow! Oh, what did I miss?
Mr. Weed: (Looking sad) oh… nothing important Peter…
Peter: what's wrong Mr. Weed?
Mr. Weed: (Starts crying) why have they forsaken me?
Peter: now… now… Mr. Weed, everything's going to be okay. (Hugging Mr. Weed like he were a kid)
Mr. Weed: I guess none of them give a care about hard labor anymore…
Peter: now, wait just a second Mr. Weed! (Pulls out a cup) This cup is broken! (Throws it somewhere) And wait just another second Mr. Weed, you can't be like that, you can't give up on all of them like they were nothing Mr. Weed! Listen you should go over to all their houses and tell them directly that you are alive!
Mr. Weed: that's just it Peter… I don't know where they all live! I just knew where you lived because you're house is the placed I died in.
Peter: well, then… (Puts his finger on his chin) I have an idea!
Mr. Weed: you do?
Peter: yes, and it will involve sending the letters over again.
Mr. Weed: I'm not following you?
Peter: don't worry; just leave that to me…
Mr. Weed: okay… Peter I trust you won't let me down.
Peter: I sure won't…
(At home in the basement)
(Derrick and Stewie are shown talking and laughing)
Derrick: yeah, she's a total block head!
Stewie: oh, I know she's like the alpha male.
Derrick: what?
Stewie: as in she's not a male! (He starts laughing)
Derrick: (He starts laughing too)
(As you can see they tell very lame jokes, or at least Stewie does)
Brian: (Appears in the basement) are you guys thinking of ways to make fun of Meg again?
Stewie: what's it too you dog!
Derrick: haven't I done this before?
Brian: you guys shouldn't be making her life worse, she has already had enough bad days at school, can't you just give her a break?
Derrick: no… we can't…
Brian: well, can't you at least try; I mean all I have heard the past days is lame jokes that don't have a punch line to them.
Stewie: what? What? What? That's… that's… not true! My jokes are very funny! You… you are just a dog without a sense of humor!
Brian: whatever you say Stewie…
Derrick: you tell him Stewie! We don't need any of his crap today.
Brian: I'm just saying you may do something that you may soon regret.
Derrick: like what?
Stewie: yeah, like what?
Brian: I don't know something. (Walks away)
Derrick: (Looking toward Stewie) he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Stewie: yeah… yeah… man your like, totally right my man.
Derrick: word.
(Upstairs Meg is shown watching TV)
Meg: (Looking with her head all around to see if Derrick or Stewie were going to sneak up on her) (She flips the channel)
(CNN)
Anchor: …leaving millions killed. Well, anyways onward to other news… I just got word that Meg Griffin a Quahog resident in the state of Rhode Island is a loser and a failure at getting boys and forgetting to put on her underwear over mornings… oh and this just in, she's a smelly slu- (Turns off the TV)
Meg: that's it!
(Derrick and Stewie come walking in)
Derrick: hi, there Megan… (Chuckling)
Stewie: yes… hi there sister of mine.
Meg: did you two do that?
Derrick: do what Meg? (Acting like he doesn't know)
Stewie: yes… (Sort of laughing) what the devil are you talking about?
(Then they both start cracking up together)
Meg: that's not funny!
(They are still laughing together)
Meg: stop it!
(They continue to laugh)
Meg: that's it! (Pulls out mace and sprays it in their eyes)
Derrick: ahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, god! Oh, god! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Holding onto his eyes squirming around)
Stewie: ah, get this substance out of my eye sockets! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, god! Oh, god!
Meg: now I hope you two learn a valuable lesson!
Derrick: yeah, that after I am finished screaming here, I'm going to kick your ass!
Meg: oh… umm…. (Slowly walks backwards away upstairs and into her room)
(The site of Happy Go Lucky a few days later)
Mr. Weed: Peter I sure hope you're idea worked.
Peter: don't worry… it sure did.
Mr. Weed: you already said that.
Peter: I know… but don't worry…
Mr. Weed: Peter, you're scaring me.
(Then all of the sudden people start walking over in a big group, they are the former employees of Happy Go Lucky)
Guy: oh, my god! It's Mr. Weed!
Guy # 2: so the letter was telling the truth! Mr. Weed truly is alive!
Guy # 3: but how?
Mr. Weed: oh, it's a long story.
Guy: we totally forgot the part of the letter that was threatening to kill our families if we didn't come.
Mr. Weed: oh… umm… (Looks at Peter)
Peter: hehehehehehehehehehe!
Mr. Weed: well, no matter. It's great to see you all again!
Guy: # 1: you too Mr. Weed!
(They all get together and they do a group hug)
All: We missed you so much!
Mr. Weed: I did too…
Peter: okay, we have to stop squeezing so much or I'm going to- (Throws up) to do that…
All: oh, Peter!
Peter: what kind of cliché to a sitcom is that supposed to be?
All: oh, Peter!
Peter: would you shut the fu-
(End Credits)