Murder is a bitch! Part 1
It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!
(Happy Go Lucky)
Peter: (Is standing in front of the manufacturing line making sure everyone is working well) (Jack his assistant stands next to him) okay… okay… everything appears to be fine…
Jack: (looking at a chart)
Peter: what do you think Jack?
Jack: oh, I don't have thoughts sir, I only think what you think and say what you say when you want me to say it.
Peter: oh… (Laughs) your hilarious Jack, I should write that down. (Writes it down on a notepad) wait till the guys hear this.
Jack: umm… yeah.
Peter: (Looks at the clock) oh, god! Its board room meeting time, I only have 5 minutes!
Jack: actually sir you're 5 minutes late.
Peter: Jack there is no time to be playing jokes I have to get there now! (Walks away)
Jack: (Follows)
(Board room)
Mr. Weed: (Standing in front of the board members, Peter isn't there yet) gentlemen the company ever since I have returned has been doing good, but we have an arch competitor in our reaches.
Executive: and what might that be?
Mr. Weed: Plutonium toys.
(Dum-Dum-DOMMMMMMM)
Mr. Weed: ah, yes.
Peter: (Comes running in) whoa, you guys are pretty earlier. (Walks to his seat)
Jack: (Follows Peter by)
Peter: (Sits at his seat) so… how's everyone doing?
(Everyone is looking at Peter)
Peter: umm… so are we… are we going to have a meeting or what?
Mr. Weed: (Diminishes his anger and goes on with the lecture) anyway as I was saying Plutonium toys is a major competitor and is must be stopped in some way shape or form… now we need to think of a toy that will wipe them right off the map. Does anyone have any ideas?
Peter: (Raises his hand)
Mr. Weed: (Sighs) yes, Peter?
Peter: umm… a pickle?
Mr. Weed: anyone else? (Looking at the other board members)
Voice: I do!
Mr. Weed: oh, no could it be?
(The doors open and a big man who looks a lot like Peter walks in, he has a brown coat on and a stubby beard and basically looks just like Peter except he's wearing something completely different then Peter underneath)
Mr. Weed: Drebberd…
Man: Weed…
Executive: I take it you two know each other.
Mr. Weed: he is the head of Plutonium toys…
Man: yes! Peter Drebberd is my name! (There are lighting bolts)
Peter: (Griffin) what are you doing here?
Peter: (Drebberd) I've come to tell you all it is no use! (He pulls out a chart that has a line graph that goes up all the way) Plutonium toys beat Happy Go Lucky last month but 80 points! Now I must tell you that we are in power now, Happy Go Lucky is all but a memory now.
Mr. Weed: that is not true… you… you hunk of a son of a bitch!
Peter: (Drebberd) why don't you say that to my face!
Mr. Weed: I just did.
Peter: (Drebberd) oh… well still there is no use of this facility to continue I recommend a withdraw from the toy company line up.
(The Executives in the room gasps)
Executives: my word!
Peter: (Griffin) (Gets up) now wait just a damn minute there! You can't just walk in here and expect us to just give up without a fight.
Peter: (Drebberd) (Walks over to Peter and they start glancing at each other at their same heights and same weight and same a lot of other things but little differences and in voice) well, Mr. Griffin of whom I have heard so much about… maybe you should be the one that brings down plutonium toys… don't you think?
Peter: (Griffin) ha! Maybe I will!
Peter: (Drebberd) you can try Mr. Griffin but I doubt you'll get far.
Peter: (Griffin) well, Mr. Drebberd, I doubt you'll be able to bring down Happy Go Lucky either.
(They both continue to exchange glances)
Peter: (Drebberd) I'll be seeing you again Mr. Griffin.
Peter: (Griffin) you too Mr. Drebberd of whom I dislike.
(Drebberd takes a last look at everyone and then smiles and leaves the board room)
Mr. Weed: that calls for extra work! Everyone back to work!
(Everyone in the room starts shouting "Work" over and over again. And they run back to their places)
Peter: I'll beat that Drebberd if it is the last thing I do.
(Home)
Derrick: (Is watching TV with the remote near his crotch and his hands on the couch sides) ha-ha, I love this show.
Meg: (Comes walking in) Uncle Derrick can I watch TV?
Derrick: oh… of course not Meg.
Meg: but Uncle Derrick!
Derrick: Uncle Derrick! Uncle Derrick! Is that all you say?
Meg: I just want to watch the new episode of Laguna Beach.
(Laguna Beach)
(A boy and a girl are sitting at a table in a restaurant)
Boy: so, how's your relationship with Talan going?
Girl: fine, perfect…
Boy: do we have any thing else to talk about?
Girl: umm… let me think… I know what we can talk about now, instead of our relationships.
Boy: what's that?
Girl: let's talk about our relationships.
Boy: that's perfect, I never would have thought of that.
(Food is put on their table)
Boy: you know this is the 5th time today that I went to a restaurant.
Girl: this is my 17th time.
Boy: whoa that sure doesn't be Lauren's though.
Girl: yeah I know.
(They both then start digging their faces in the food and eating like crazed dogs)
(Back to the Griffin house)
Derrick: I'm not letting you watch that dumb show Meg.
Meg: but everyone is watching it!
Derrick: you think I care what this generation is doing? This generation can go and sleep with itself for all I care.
Meg: you can say what you really meant to say.
Derrick: Meg, this can't be rated like that we have to follow the censors, or we will be out of a job.
Meg: what the hell are you talking about?
Derrick: will get fired if we swear excessively like that.
Meg: fired from what?
Derrick: it Meg… it…
Meg: what are you talking about?
Derrick: you know what… just… just… just zip it okay; I've had enough to hear with you! You're grounded.
Meg: you can't ground me you not my dad.
Derrick: well when your father isn't home and your mother is I am the father!
Meg: like I'd listen to you.
Derrick: oh, you'll listen. You'll listen always!
Peter: (Enters the house) hi, family!
Derrick: damn!
Peter: (Walks in and Lois comes in and hugs and kisses him)
Lois: oh, I hear Peter! How was your day?
Peter: it was swell Lois. (Puts his work hat and suit up on a hook) were going to beat plutonium toys in sales and knock them right out of the map.
Lois: oh, that's lovely honey! (Kisses him again)
Stewie: (Walks in) I say, but I like Plutonium toys… I mean it's not because I think they have plutonium it's just I… I like their toys, you know… I um… I wasn't trying to pun anybody… you know… um… I'm just… just going to walk away. (Walks away)
(Some where far off at nighttime)
(A station wagon just like Peter's in everyway except the license plate is different is shown driving down a little road)
Peter: (Drebberd) (he is driving it) (He is looking out the windows as he drives and he comes across a Motel, he smiles and turns in it)
(Later he is shown in room in his bed making a phone call)
Peter: (This will be Drebberd till I say Griffin again) ah, hello there…
Hooker: (On phone) hi, there stud…
Peter: umm… yeah… you think you can stop by my Motel and we can share interests with one another? Hmmm… hmmm…
Hooker: sure thing… from what I'm hearing from your voice I can see you are willing and ready. (Acting all Hooker like)
Peter: (Sweating) ummm… yeah…
(Later)
Peter: (Is looking at his watch and then shaking his head and then there is a knock at the door) (He answers it) you're 20 minutes late!
Hooker: a girl has many appointments Mister.
Peter: you can call me Drebberd. (He grabs on to the Hooker and they both start to kiss)
(Later)
(They are both shown in bed from side to side)
Hooker: (With a cigarette) now that was great, the best I've had since Louie Anderson.
(One time)
Louie: now wait just a second… I thought you were German? I don't like that! (In his weird voice)
Hooker: Mr. Anderson, I told you when I got here I was an American born woman.
Louie: but that's not fair…
Hooker: life isn't fair Louie!
Louie: well you know what you're a- (Holds onto his heat and arm) oh, no…
Hooker: what?
Louie: I'm getting a heart attack… muawwaaaaaa.
Hooker: should I call an amubulence?
Louie: no, I'm fine, just give it time and it will pass.
Hooker: but it's a heart attack.
Louie: time… it just needs time… (Acting like a low pitched voice that sounds like a Narrator)
Hooker: okay.
Dick Cheney: (Comes in) you're getting one too?
(Back to the Motel room)
Hooker: but that was still the best.
Peter: good.
Hooker: now that will be 10,000 dollars.
Peter: 10,000 dollars? Hell no!
Hooker: (Gets out of bed and is now fully clothed) either that or I sue you for evading payment!
Peter: (Gets up in his underwear and puts on his coat and other clothes) you must be joking?
Hooker: I don't joke I work.
Peter: but no hooker has every given me a price of 10,000 dollars before, none!
Hooker: well, I'm not that kind of hooker! Now pay up or you're sued!
Peter: (Thinks in his mind) hmm… (Pulls out a gun with a silencer on it)
Hooker: oh, that's not real! (Acting like it isn't real)
Peter: (Pulls the trigger and she holds onto her stomach because she was hit)
Hooker: oh… that was a fa…ke bullet. (She starts bleeding)
Peter: (Shoots her again)
Hooker: as if that weren't just one of you toys. (Falls down dead all of the sudden)
Peter: oh, boy… Mind: how am I to dispose of the body?
(Later Peter is shown with the hooker in raps on his shoulder he goes outside and puts her in his car)
Man: (From afar) hmm… that's suspiciously suspicious.
(Peter in his car)
Peter: (Drives off with the body in the back, he then goes to a lake and gets out and then takes out the body and throws it in the lake) ok, problem solved. (Dusting off his hands, he walks over to the car but then notices in the back seat that there are blood steins) hmm… oh, crap. (He runs into his car and drives off as quickly as possible and as he moves on he comes by Peter Griffin's house and sees his station wagon Peter then looks surprised) (He parks his car next to Griffin's and he gets out and he goes to Peter's license plate and he tears it off with his bear hands and then attaches his own and then he grabs his own keys and goes into Griffin's car and sees if it would work in the ignition and it did, it started up and Peter gave a shout of glee, he then parked his real car in Griffin's a spot and then got into Griffin's car and drives off squeaky clean) now that was simple enough…
(Later like really later)
(The Lake)
(2 fishermen are shown fishing)
1st one: oh, will never catch anything…
2nd: Mike you can't say that, we were born to fish!
1st: that's what my dad said before the unfortunate fishing accident.
2nd: oh, Mike.
1st: well, it's just- hey! I got something! (He starts reeling in)
2nd: this will be worth a lot it seems like its hard pulling!
1st: it is!
(The fisherman keeps reeling in and then the rags come out of the water with the body inside of it)
2nd: what in the world is that?
1st: hmm…
(The raps come off and it shows the Hooker's body)
2nd: holy-
(Do to technique cal difficulties Fox can not show this part of Family Guy do to excessive swearing, we give to you our deepest and most sincere apologies to those of you who are viewing this now. But hey it's over and not we can cut straight to the police scene of a crime)
(Back to the story)
(Police are shown at the scene of the crime or the finding of the body and Joe is one of them)
Irish officer: it was a hooker alright, and she must have given the man an offer he refused to pay so, ended up killing her to get out of it.
Joe: well, he would have faced refusal to pay charges, that's New England law even for a hooker.
Cop: I had a hooker last week.
Joe: did you pay her?
Cop: yeah.
Joe: good then no harm done.
Cop # 2: (Walks over) okay, so what we got right now, is a witness said he saw a big 350-400 pound man walking out of a Motel room with the body in raps.
Joe: hmm… do you guys no any of a lard ass?
(All the cops shake their heads no)
Joe: hmm… who do I know who's fat and somewhat short? (Napoleon pops into his head) yes… I have reason to believe it was Napoleon of France!
Cop: (Hits Joe over the head)
Joe: oh no… I think I know who may have done this… but I can't believe that…
Irish cop: well, Officer Swanson if you know who it is you best better be coming forward.
Joe: could you stop acting like that John! You're an American! Deal with it!
Irish Cop: (Speaking American) I'm sorry…
Joe: well gentlemen I believe that it's Peter Griffin.
(Dom-Dum-Dommmmmmm)
(Home)
(Morning time)
(Everyone is at the table for breakfast)
Meg: Uncle Derrick, could you pass the syrup?
Derrick: no.
Brain: so peter how's your new job going?
Peter: oh, it's been marvelous! I have an assistant now and he does everything I say, and I mean absolutely everything.
(One time)
Jack: (Doing a Napoleon Dynamite dance)
(Back to now)
Peter: it's great!
Brian: that's nice Peter.
Lois: well as long as there's money on the table I won't argue about your job Peter.
Peter: awww… that was the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say Lois.
Lois: yeah.
(They continue to eat)
(Knock at the door)
Quagmire: hey, peter can I borrow some of your Lubricant?
Peter: why are you always asking?
Quagmire: I need it there's a chick coming over later.
Peter: fine. (Grabs the lube and goes to the door) (he turns the knob and opens it and Joe the man who was acting like an Irish man and another cop stand there) what the hell?
Joe: that was John the man of a thousand voices.
Peter: but… but… Quagmire…
Joe: why are you acting like that?
Peter: oh, nothing.
Joe: well peter I hate to say this…. (Starts crying) we…were have to place you under arrest for the murder of Hooker J. Hook, the hooker killed last night in a Motel.
Peter: What?
(Lois and everyone comes to the door)
Lois: what? Peter was with me all last night!
Joe: we looked in your car Peter… (Crying) we saw blooooood!
Peter: (Gasps)
Joe: (Crying) you have… you have…
Cop: I'll do it Officer Swanson, you need time! You have the right to remain damn silent, anything you say will be damn used against you in a damn court of law, if you can't afford a damn Lawyer one will be provided for you god damn it.
(The cops grab onto Peter and start dragging him to the car)
Peter: but… but you got the wrong guy!
(Everyone is outside with Peter)
Lois: you didn't do this, did you Peter?
Peter: of course not! (Being put in the car) I'm innocent!
Joe: just get in there Peter! (Crying) Why? Why? Why? God! Why?
(Heaven)
God: I don't know.
(Back to earth)
(Peter is in the car)
Derrick: I'll take good care of Lois Peter, until you get back, in her life and in the bed.
Lois: what?
Derrick: nothing.
Meg: daddy… (Starts crying)
Brian: oh, my god…
Chris: dad! No! (Raising his hands in the air)
Peter: wahhhhhhhh!
(The car drives off)
(The car is shown from behind)
(To be continued)