Murder is a bitch! Part 2.
Previously on Family guy…
Mr. Weed: (Standing in front of the board members, Peter isn't there yet) gentlemen the company ever since I have returned has been doing good, but we have an arch competitor in our reaches.
Executive: and what might that be?
Mr. Weed: Plutonium toys.
(Dum-Dum-DOMMMMMMM)
(The doors open and a big man who looks a lot like Peter walks in, he has a brown coat on and a stubby beard and basically looks just like Peter except he's wearing something completely different then Peter underneath)
Mr. Weed: Drebberd…
Man: Weed…
Executive: I take it you two know each other.
Mr. Weed: he is the head of Plutonium toys…
Man: yes! Peter Drebberd is my name! (There are lighting bolts)
Peter: (Griffin) (Gets up) now wait just a damn minute there! You can't just walk in here and expect us to just give up without a fight.
Peter: (Drebberd) (Walks over to Peter and they start glancing at each other at their same heights and same weight and same a lot of other things but little differences and in voice) well, Mr. Griffin of whom I have heard so much about… maybe you should be the one that brings down plutonium toys… don't you think?
Peter: (Griffin) ha! Maybe I will!
Peter: (Drebberd) you can try Mr. Griffin but I doubt you'll get far.
Peter: (Griffin) well, Mr. Drebberd, I doubt you'll be able to bring down Happy Go Lucky either.
(They both continue to exchange glances)
Peter: (Drebberd) I'll be seeing you again Mr. Griffin.
And murder ensued…
(Peter is in the police car)
Derrick: I'll take good care of Lois Peter, until you get back, in her life and in the bed.
Lois: what?
Derrick: nothing.
Meg: daddy… (Starts crying)
Brian: oh, my god…
Chris: dad! No! (Raising his hands in the air)
Peter: wahhhhhhhh!
(The car drives off)
(The car is shown from behind)
Will Peter be convicted of Murder that he did not commit? These questions and more on this exciting but yet sheik episode of Family Guy!
(Now to the show)
(In an interrogation room)
(Joe sits on one side and Peter sits on the other)
Peter: (Is shown just eyeballing around the room with a cup full of some liquid substance on the table) so… umm… Joe… you think you can just… you know… let me out of this room? Because umm... you know… I'd really appreciate it… I mean if that's ok with you and all…
Joe: (Starts crying and lies his head on the table)
Peter: I guess I'll take that as a no…
Joe: damn it Peter! (Raises his head up) tell me your alibi! And please make sure it works! I can't believe that you would do something like this; I know deep in my heart that you didn't do this!
Peter: that might be… uhhh… going a bit far there Joe…
Joe: that's Officer Swanson to you! (He shouts to Peter)
Peter: come on Joe! You know me! I would never kill someone! I mean I came pretty close when I went hunting that one time with Dick Cheney…
(One Time)
Peter: hey Dick there goes the Quail!
Dick: oh, goody! (Starts shooting like crazy toward the Quail)
Peter: (Starts shooting like crazy as well)
(They then go over to see if they got any)
(When they go to the other side there are people all in pain lying on the ground)
Peter: yeah… I don't think we got them…
Dick: no Peter… I don't think we did.
(Back to now)
Peter: I would never do anything to harm anyone.
Joe: I know Peter… but when it comes down to Officer work, I'm as serious as they come and if I have to I'll beat a confession out of you. (Starts sniffing) you fit… (Drops some tears) the description perfectly…
Peter: but I was playing poker with Cleveland and Quagmire last night!
Joe: that alibi doesn't check out! Oh, I hate doing this Peter… (Bulls out a bat) (Points it towards Peter) I'm sorry Peter, but until I get straight answers. (Starts crying)
Peter: oh my god!
(In the hall of the Department an officer stands guard and then noises are heard in the room)
Peter: (From Room) (Screaming) oh, my god! Oh, my god! (Getting hit) ah! Son of a bitch! (Screams) help me!
Joe: (From room) this hurts me more then it does you! (Hitting Peter)
Peter: this hurts like hell though!
Peter: I'm already in Hell! (Crying)
(You can hear hitting in the background)
Officer: (Talking to another Officer) they'll be fine.
(In the jail cell Peter sits at his visiting window)
Lois: oh Peter… we miss you so much not being around the house…
Peter: don't worry about me family… you're dad will make it okay.
Derrick: (Comes close to the window) umm… Peter could I borrow your station wagon while you're gone? (Then he suddenly says) don't hurt me! (While putting his arms back fearing an attack)
Peter: umm… sure Derrick.
Derrick: (Sighs with relief) oh thank god…
Lois: Derrick has been very paranoid around the house and he really believes you killed someone.
Derrick: yeah… I'm going to back up to the wall for awhile… (Backs up to the wall looking frightened)
Peter: I must speak to my children… the children of whom I love and am not afraid of…
Meg: (Goes to the phone) oh daddy, I miss you-
Peter: okay enough talk with you Meg now its Chris's turn.
Chris: (Throws Meg out of the seat and sits down) Dad!
Peter: Chris!
Chris: dad!
Peter: Chris!
Chris: dad!
Peter: Chris!
Random inmate: would you please shut the hell up! Some of us have hookers in this place!
Chris: dad! Things have gone crazy without you!
(Flash back)
(Chris, Stewie, Brian and Derrick sit on the couch)
Derrick: the Pats won 36 to two.
Brian: I'm not saying I disagree with you Derrick, I'm just saying I think you looked at the scores wrong.
Derrick: Brian, the Detroit Lions would never beat the Pats.
Brian: and whose roster are you looking at?
Derrick: the real one, not some fake one like you look at.
Chris: I disagree with both of you, I think there was a tie 36 to 36.
Derrick: listen, we just have to wait until local 5 news, they will give us the scores from there.
Brian: well, I'm saying to you that it's probably a loss for the Pats.
Derrick: Brain! Brain! Brian! There is no loss the Pats one I saw the game!
Brian: hey, I'm just saying man.
Derrick: well I'm just saying too.
Brian: yeah, like you'd know anyway.
Derrick: I know more then you.
Brian: I bet you can't tell me who won the 1986 Super Bowl!
Derrick: oh, you don't even know that!
Brian: you're right, I was seeing if you even knew yourself, so you don't know!
Derrick: I know a lot more then your dog brain can process.
Brian: I take that as a direct attack, you son of a bitch-
Stewie :( Blindly yells out) it's just a damn football game!
(Back to the Episode)
Brian: Peter will make sure we get to your defense in the trial.
Peter: ohhh… their really going to have one of those?
Brian: umm… why would they not?
Peter: I don't know… I thought they were just going to pass sentence down on me…
Brian: Peter… that's illegal…
Peter: oh… I guess since I've seen so many court cases on television, I just can't tell the difference. (Laughs and does a pun sound) whe-ow!
(Everyone just looks at him)
Peter: yeah… I think my time is up now…
Brian: sure is…
(Plutonium Toys)
(Lighting bolts are shown bolting across the evil sky of the factory)
Peter: (Drebberd) (Stands looking out the window) (In his office)
Slave: (Comes walking in) umm… master Drebberd… umm… that Griffin fellow was arrested and charged with murder.
Peter: (Drebberd) excellent! I can't wait to see him rot! Happy Go Lucky toys will be run out of business for sure!
Slave: well, there's still the matter of Weed and all the other executives sir… umm… Peter was just one…
Peter: (Drebberd) yes but with that link missing, the chain is broken. Don't worry slave you'll see in time. (Pulls out a whip and starts whipping him) now get back to work nave!
Slave: yes, Master, sorry master! (Runs out of the room)
Peter: (Drebberd) pretty soon Plutonium will rule! (Laughs evilly)
(Holding Cell)
Peter: (I shown trying to sleep in bed) arrggg… hmm… ohhh…. How can anyone live like this?
(From another cell)
Man: hey Johnny boy!
Man # 2: yes Cletus?
Man: Ricky got stabbed at lunch today, he lost a lot of blood, they say he could die.
Man # 2: now that guy can surely take a punch!
Peter: umm… excuse me… but could you all please lower your voices? Some people are trying to get some shut eye.
Man: oh sorry man.
Man # 2: didn't mean to bother you.
Man: hey Johnny aren't we in prison?
Man # 2: well pretty close these are just holding cells.
Man: but no matter, don't prison inmates normally tell the other person to go and screw themselves? Or thy kick their ass later?
Man # 2: yep, I think so.
Man: I thought so, hey man were going to kick your ass at the next available opportunity.
Man # 2: good night!
Peter: (Puts his covers up to his chin) don't let the bad man get me…
(The next morning the trail begins)
(Outside the Courthouse)
Tom Tucker: (Is standing in front of it reporting) Tom Tucker here and I stand in front of the Quahog Courthouse where Peter Griffin a half bird and half lion is being charged with murder. (He says in an eerie voice) they say that he matches the description perfectly, so it won't take them long to convict him. More as the story develops.
Cameraman: Tom… Tom… you still have 50 seconds!
Tom: oh… hmm… well someone call in to Diane at the studio and shout to her face: "You have big breasts and I would like to touch them." But more on that story a little later. (Winks toward the camera)
(Courtroom)
(The family sits in the audience chairs)
Brian: I can't believe this is going to determine Peter's fate…
Meg: oh mommy! I can't go on without daddy!
Lois: what was that Meg?
Meg: I said I can't go on without daddy.
Lois: I can't hear you.
Chris: mom! I don't want dad to go to jail!
Lois: aw, Chris, this defense attorney will work his best to get him off.
Meg: (Has a look of awe on her face)
Derrick: (Sees Peter sitting in the front chair next to his lawyer) (He hides his face) don't notice me… don't notice me…
Peter: (Turns around and sees Derrick) Derrick!
Derrick: (Shrieks) don't look at me!
Peter: I was just going to ask you for a pen, I need to take notes.
Derrick: (Throws it at Peter) there take it! You can have it forever! Just please don't kill me!
Peter: but Der-
Derrick: what more do you want?
Peter: (Sighs) never mind…
(In front)
Bailiff: all rise for the honorable judge umm… well Judge…
Judge: (Voice by Phil Lamar) (Comes out of a doorway an onto the stand) I don't unusually do murder cases considering the fact that there hasn't been one here in Quahog is almost 40 years, and I was no judge 40 years ago. I was actually a bus boy at an old 60's bar; kind of like the one in "Back to the Future" if any of you have seen that movie.
(Everyone just looks at the judge with wide eyes and O-Kay… looks)
Judge: oh, you people wouldn't understand anyway. Anyways, the trial Rode Island Vs. Peter Griffin, you may all take a seat, the court is now in session, now let's make this quick I have a very important meeting to get to in a dark alley after this. The Defense please present your case.
Peter's lawyer: (Stands up) (He is sweating profusely) umm… umm… I…. I…. would like to… umm… (Wipes his forehead) Th…Th…that… my client pleads not guilty… umm… because of reasons of insanity!
Peter: what? (Gasps)
Peter's lawyer: no, no! I didn't mean that! I mean not guilty as in go free if proven innocent.
Peter: (Sighs with relief)
Peter's Lawyer: (Goes in the front of the room) (Clears his throat) (Clears his throat again) (Clears his throat for a 3rd time) anyways… umm… my client could not have committed this crime… because he was playing a poker game with Glen Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, and of course himself… and he was there umm up until the time of the murder at 3 AM. As of this second I call Mr. Griffin himself to the stand.
Peter: already?
Peter's Lawyer: yes, come up here.
Peter: (Gets up and sits on the defendants chair)
(Then a random person gets up in the court)
Felix De Karno: you suck!
Judge: Bailiff…
Bailiff: (Pulls out a shotgun and shoots him)
Felix: (Falls over)
Judge: please continue sir.
Peter's lawyer: (Clears his throat once again) (Starts taking a drink of some water) (Clears his throat again)
Judge: are you even going to defend your client?
Peter's Lawyer: I'm working on it, I'm working on it! Okay… so… umm… Mr. Griffin can Mr. Quagmire and Mr. Brown confirm you being over at their places of living?
Peter: why yes they can! Cleveland, Quagmire, stand up!
(They both stand up)
Peter: see.
Peter's lawyer: great, excellent. (They continue to go on a rant)
Judge: will the Prosecution please take the stand.
(A southern lawyer with over alls on comes up the front, he has his hands on his straps and he squints at Peter)
Lawyer: now Mr. Griffin, you say you were at this supposed Glen Quagmire's house between the hours of 1 AM and 3 AM, can you confirm?
Peter: but I just did already.
Lawyer: well do it again! A defendant that fails to cooperate in a court of law can be held in contempt and therefore proven guilty of murder. Now were, or were you not there at 1 Am to 3 Am!
Peter: umm...
Lawyer: answer the damn question!
Peter's Lawyer: (Sitting at the defendant's desk) typical Prosecutor…
Lawyer: (Turns around to Peter's lawyer) now did I hear something from you?
Peter's Lawyer: no sir!
Lawyer: I thought so, you better shut the hell up or I'll have to do something this court won't like.
Judge: (Laughs) that's a classic.
Lawyer: now! Answer the question you fat ass! And you can't say anything back because this place is the government! (Laughs)
Peter: yes! Yes! I was there between those hours!
Lawyer: now Mr. Griffin why would a man of your age be out so late?
Peter: well… I was working late that night and I needed some fun time and I check to see if those two were still up and they were so we decided to have a poker game.
Lawyer: well, according to the information the murder took place at 2:45 AM.
Peter: see, you can confirm it wasn't me either…
Lawyer: but… Mr. Griffin, a witness took a picture. (Pulls out a picture) it shows in the darkness of night a 300-350 pound man running with a blanket with something inside of it on his shoulder running away, and I must say this description Mr. Griffin is rather authentic to your own. Let me see… at least 40 to 50 years of age… ummm… glasses, much like yours and like I said before, very, very fat.
Peter: but I'm innocent!
Judge: Mr. Griffin don't go accusing yourself of being innocent.
Peter: but why would I want to kill her?
Lawyer: to escape the pricy bill, Road Island law states that, no matter what you have to pay for no matter how unorthodox it is you have to pay, even if it's a good size blow into your system.
(Audience gasps in "Ewwwwww')
Derrick: we did not have to go that far…
(Front)
Lawyer: I say to you, people of the jury that, this man Peter J. Griffin is lying about being at a poker game, there was blood evidence in the back of the car and the license plate matched perfectly. I don't know about you guys, but I hardly think a trial is necessary at this point. He was basically caught in the act, by Officer Swanson.
Peter: but… but… I…
Lawyer: I don't want to hear one word from the likes of trash like you, I hope you get used to your new bed… and please do not drop the soap in the showers, we all know what happens if you do that…
(Shower)
Man: (Cleaning himself, drops the soap)
(Everyone stops showering and looks at him)
Man: umm… yeah… ummm… I'm not going to pick that up… you know I'm fine if one of you do… but me… I just don't really want to.
(Everyone continues looking at him)
Man: yeah… my offer still stands.
(Courtroom)
Lawyer: I already rest my case! (Sits down on the seat)
Peter: (Biting his nails)
Peter's Lawyer: (Is shown sweating up a pool) how am I going to counter that?
(Time passes)
Peter's Lawyer: and so Peter… is indeed innocent because he is a family man. And therefore murder is, well… not something he'd do… I guess…
(Everyone blindly stairs)
Judge: okay… well then since no one else wants to come up to the stand the jury can make their decision.
Jury: we already have!
Judge: oh… then I guess I'll get to that dark alley earlier then I expected.
Peter's Lawyer: ah, geez!
Peter: (Sweating)
(Audience)
Lois: oh, goodbye Peter… will miss you…
Brian: (Sighs) it just won't be the same!
Derrick: (Sighs in relief)
Jury: we find the defendant, Peter James Griffin for the crime of murder gu-
(Just then someone enters the room holding onto Peter Drebberd, he then walks up to the front)
Man: you guys missed one piece of evidence; the fat man you saw had a receding hairline! And guess what… I found him!
(Everyone in the room gasps)
Peter: (Griffin) Peter Drebberd? You kill that hooker?
Peter: (Drebberd) and I would have gotten away with it too if it were for you and that Weed! And those damn kids and their dog!
Peter: (Griffin) huh?
Peter: (Drebberd) don't ask!
Judge: well then Mr. Drebberd… what do you have to say for yourself?
Peter: (Drebberd) could you let go of my arm?
Man: oh sorry Mr. Drebberd. (Lets go of his arm) oh, wait… damn!
Peter: (Drebberd) now no one can stop me! (Flies toward Peter Griffin)
(Both Peters get into a fight throwing punch after punch, and punch after punch)
(Everyone watches in fascination)
Judge: (As he sees them fight) ooh… that must have hurt…
Peter: (Drebberd) (Pulls out a spike and tries to stab Peter Griffin in the face)
Peter: (Griffin) (Holds him back as best and he can and then flips Drebberd off of him)
(Drebberd falls to the ground and Griffin jumps on top of him)
Peter: (Griffin) I got you now!
Peter: (Drebberd) get off me you one pound or less man!
Peter: (Griffin) (Starts tickling Drebberd)
Peter: (Drebberd) quit it! (Laughing) stop it now! (Laughing hard) I'm going to kill you… (Laughing extremely hard)
(Later on)
(They hall off Drebberd in a vehicle)
Cop: thank you for taking Drebberd out Mr. Griffin, you really showed him what for.
Peter: what can I say?
Cop: (Laughs) right you are Griffin.
Peter: no really… what can I say?
Cop: right. (Walks away)
Peter: the people of this city… my oh my…
Derrick: umm… sorry for thinking you actually killed someone Peter.
Peter: don't worry let's all go home…
(They are shown walking home towards the sun)
Meg: were glad you're back dad.
Peter: what?
Meg: I said were glad you're back.
Peter: I have no idea what you're saying Meg.
Chris: welcome back dad!
Peter: why thank you Chris! You don't know how much that means to me.
Lois: did you say something to your father Meg?
Meg: yes.
Lois: what?
Meg: I'm going to kill myself when we get home!
Peter: well the important thing is you tried honey…
(End Credits)