Hollywood wants, you!
It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!
(Outside the Griffin house) (The music is played and then we go into the house)
Derrick: (Sitting next to Brian on the couch watches TV)
(TV)
Host: and we are back to E! News! And all is right in the world of acting as Tom Cruise has made 100,000 million dollars from being in one movie here's what he had to say!
(Tom having an interview with someone)
Tom: oh, my god! Oh, my god! I've made a 100 million dollars! (Moving around)
Reporter: how do you feel Mr. Cruise?
Tom: (Starts jumping up and down on the couch) like I just got 100 million dollars! I love this life! I love this life! (Grabs onto the reporter's hands) don't you like being rich? I sure do!
Reporter: umm… Mr. Cruise please…
Tom: oh, god yeah! (Jumping up and down)
Reporter: (Sighs) well if you can't beat em, join em. (Gets on the couch and starts jumping up and down like Tom) (He also acts excited like a girl)
(TV)
Host: and in other news Brittney Spears is pregnant again, but instead of being a boy or a girl it turns out it's actually a bag of million dollar bills that was lodged up her ass during sex.
(Derrick Brian)
Derrick: now that's the life Brian!
Brian: I don't know Derrick these people just turn to crap once they get this, it hardly pays off in the end.
Derrick: that's exactly what I want to be! I want to be a multi million dollar actor! I could be the next George Clooney, except not look old and have grey hair.
Brian: Derrick I hope you know that means going to Hollywood and leaving us behind.
Derrick: well if I succeeded I wouldn't need you guys anymore anyway.
Brian: gees, that's harsh…
Derrick: yeah I know, you guys can go to hell.
Brian: what?
Derrick: nothing…
Brian: anyways Derrick I doubt you could be an actor.
Derrick: but look at me Brian! I'm a lot better built then Peter is, I mean no offense but Peter and John Goodman have started to look a lot alike.
Brian: their married to bitches?
Derrick: no! Their fat! But I on the other hand have inherited my Fathers skinny gene.
(Just then a special Report comes on)
Tom Tucker: if you are between the ages of 30 and 41 come on down to Quahog Auditions where we are holding auditions for people who wish to star in the first Quahog based action film, Clam to ham. Box Office predictions are already expected to be high considering its being shot in a New England town that really amounts to nothing. This is what director Stephen Jenkins had to say.
Steven: well here's an example… I've come to Quahog to shoot my next film in a clam loving area. That's why I am here… here's another example why I'm here, say I'm a man with 7 children and an ailing wife, I've come here as a last resort to make money on my next picture to pay for her operation. Thus leading into my next example showing that I might have come here because a lot of the women in Quahog are quite attractive. Which leads to my next example which-
Tom: were just going to cut it right here… auditions will be held for 5 weeks so get on down there!
Diane Simmons: in other news, a new study shows that men may be able to produce Breast Milk even better then women, find out more at eleven.
(Out of TV)
Derrick: that's it! It's kind of a conscience… but that sure is it! I'm going to be the one that gets whatever role it is in that new Stephen Jenkins film! You know he's one of my favorite directors!
Brian: man directing sure does bring back some memories…
(One Time)
Brian: (Sits at the directors chair looking at the actors as they have relations)
Actor: (You only see Brain but you here their voice) oh Janet!
Actor # 2: oh Doug!
Actor: oh let's make sweet love again!
Brian: (Watches as they engage in pleasurable activities)
Actor # 2: ah, yes! Ah, yes! Ah, yes!
Brian: (Twitches his eye a bit and smiles in happiness at what he's seeing)
(Happy Go Lucky)
Peter: (Watching the manufacturing line)
James: (Stands next to him)
Peter: write this down James…
James: yes sir…
Peter: Peter Griffin, watcher extraordinaire!
James: (Writes)
Peter: no wait! Peter, rising to the top… now that one's good.
James: (Writing)
Peter: wait another one! Peter Griffin, killing who ever crosses my path.
James: umm…
Peter: what?
James: oh nothing Mr. Griffin… (Writes it down)
Peter: I can't wait to show these notes to Mr. Weed, it will definitely make him know that I am working my tale off.
James: yeah… sure…
Peter: anyways… I'm gonna take 5 James, so you just stay snazzy! (Walks away)
James: (Follows Peter)
Peter: umm… James?
James: yes…
Peter: why are you following me?
James: well, I am your 24 hour assistant.
Peter: yes… but when I say take 5… you don't have to follow me.
James: I don't?
Peter: yeah.
James: you think you can teach me the ways of taking 5?
Peter: umm… hmm… hey look James! That guys screwing the head on that toy all wrong! Go and deal with him!
James: why that no good dirty… (Runs after the guy)
Peter: Jesus, get a life…
Jesus: (Appears behind Peter) I take offensively to that! Fine maybe I will! (Walks away)
(Audition for Steven Jenkins)
Steven: alright then! Can Mister Derrick Griffin please enter this room, and an example of entering could be like this: Walking into the room and then closing the door behind you and then standing in front of the judges, so we may judge and determine rather you work for this role or not. And then you can either run our crying, or you can jump for joy! And here's an example of that! (Gets out of his seat and then jumps up and down in the air) (He then sits back down)
Derrick: (Enters the room) (Sighs) okay…. Okay…
Steven: whenever your ready just tell us, and example o this could be-
Another Judge: Steve… please lay off…
Steven: yeah, yeah you're right…
Derrick: (Clears his throat) yo esse' Mario, are you coming over to the party later?
Steven: (Reciting lines with Derrick) Ah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh son! I be there always and forever, I ain't ever gonna miss dem parties!
Derrick: umm… (Recites again) then you best better be bringing a gift basket cause Diaz really likes to be loved in his own home.
Steven: what does esse' want?
Derrick: Diaz wants some new Air Force Ones.
Steve: Ah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh son!
(They both then stop reciting audition lines)
Steven: you're beautiful… (Gets up and out of his chair and walks up to Derrick and looks at him) your face… it's so fresh and zesty… my god…
Derrick: umm… so does that mean I get the part…? (A little freaked out)
Steven: you not only get the part, but I get to throw myself on you! (Taking off his shirt)
Derrick: whoa! Whoa! No way man I think just getting the part works for me.
Steven: oh… well if that is what you wish. (Puts his shirt back on) come by Monday and will verify everything. And example of coming in would be like getting into your car over mornings and then taking the highway all the way down to Jefferson street and then turning right, left, right, left, until you reach the studio.
Derrick: umm… yeah… well I'm going to go and tell the news to my family.
Steven: okay my fresh new face!
(In the hallway outside the Audition room)
Derrick: (Sees all the others who were going to go in after Derrick, he the points and laughs at them) you bitches ain't got nothing! Just turn around and go on home! (Skipping out of the place) you all don't have any business up here get the hell out and go home to your mommy's, I'm going to be a million air! (Runs out of the building)
(Happy Go Lucky)
(Bathroom)
Peter: (Is in the toilet stall) (Sighs) my best moment of piece throughout the whole day…
(Someone comes in the bathroom)
Peter: (Ignores)
(The stall door opens to the stall that Peter is in)
Peter: ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Shrieks)
James: (Stands there) do you need any extra tissues sir? Or perhaps a complementary company magazine or something to suit your time and needs.
Peter: get the hell out of here! (Slams the door shut and James stands on the outside of the door)
James: okay then… I'll just stand right here until you get done in there… don't worry if you want to call me cause I'll already be here. Just say the name: James and I will get you what you want… you know… because that's what I'm here for. So I'm just going to stand here… (Stands there not moving or saying anything)
Peter: get the hell away from the door. (He asks nicely)
James: yes sir! (Goes to the side of the door)
Peter: (Comes out and looks at James and then walks away)
James: awaiting new orders…
Peter: (Sighs)
(Home)
(Dinner table)
(Everyone sits there)
Lois: so Derrick I heard you got the part?
Derrick: (Eating) ah yeah Lois I sure did!
Meg: does that mean you're going to be rich.
Derrick: does that mean I'm going to be what?
Meg: I said does that mean you're going to be rich.
Derrick: speak up I can't hear you.
Meg: I said: does that mean you're going to be rich.
Derrick: I still can't hear you Meg.
Chris: hey Uncle Derrick, does this mean you're going to be rich?
Derrick: oh hell yes! I'm hopefully going to get filthy stinking rich!
Chris: I want to live the life of luxury!
Lois: now Chris our family is not going to change; only Derrick is getting this money so he can find his own place and live there. Just like grandma and grandpa…
Derrick: well I hadn't really said anything about leaving…
Lois: well wouldn't you want to cause if you're going to be making money then why would you want to live here?
Derrick: umm… hmm…
(Just then Peter walks in)
Peter: (Sighs) hello family… (Covered in some kind of liquid substance)
Lois: Peter! What happened to you?
Peter: (Sighs) an entire vat of beer fell on me, now when does a thing like that ever happen in a toy factory?
(Brewery)
Man: were going to place these beer vats in every toy factory in the country and when someone steps on the button then POW the whole thing falls on them\
Man # 2: this is a great plan!
Man # 3: I love it!
Man # 4: umm… why are we doing it?
Man: (Looks at Man # 4) (Pulls out a gun and shoots him)
Man # 4: (Falls over dead)
Man: so like I was saying every factory in the country…
(Home)
Derrick: Peter I have to tell you something! I'm going to be in a movie baby!
Peter: oh that's all good and done. (Sits down) what's for dinner Lois?
Lois: it's your favorite, stakems!
Peter: oooh goody, oooh goody! (Acts like a kid and claps his hands like a baby)
Derrick: hmm…
(Basement that night)
Derrick: (Sits on his bed sighing)
Brian: (Walks down stairs) what's wrong with you? I'd think a person who's going to be in a movie would be happy.
Derrick: I am but… if I do make money the family would expect me to leave and live on my own…
Brian: don't you want that?
Derrick: I can't leave…
Brian: why not?
Derrick: because…
Brian: because why?
Derrick: because!
Brian: again I ask you, because why?
Derrick: just because okay!
Brian: this doesn't have anything to do with Lois does it?
Derrick: well…
Brian: ha-ha! I knew it!
Derrick: well I'm sure you'd be doing the same thing Brian if you were in my shoes!
Brian: yeah… your point is?
Derrick: oh… umm… well there is no point, but I can not leave that hot chick, I love seeing her every day and smelling that wonderful perfume… and those supple breas-
Brian: I think that's enough of that… Mind: besides those are supposed to be my thoughts… not yours you bastard…
Derrick: well Brian what do I do in a situation like this? I really want to be a multi million dollar actor, but I also want to be around Lois… what should I do?
Brian: uhhh… well I've never been rich so I don't really know…
Stewie: (Comes running down the stairs) do you guys know anything about the movie industry?
(Brian and Derrick look at Stewie)
Brian: umm…
Derrick: not really…
Stewie: what a bunch of buffoons! You are not going to get paid right away! You have to actually work first! And you get paid afterwards! Do you guys no nothing of the Industry of higher power?
Derrick: how do you know so much?
Stewie: let's say I have my fare share of experience…
(Stewie's agent office)
Agent: but Stewie this film is starring Angelina Jolie! She's the hottest woman working in Hollywood by far!
Stewie: (Yawns) sorry but big lips turn me off…
Agent: but Stewie they are going to give you 150 million dollars!
Stewie: (Yawns again) again you are really boring me with you pestering man.
Agent: but Stewie-
Stewie: shhhhhh, shhhhh, let the people here man… you're covering their air.
(Home)
(Basement)
Derrick: so I can just stay here still even so?
Stewie: duh!
Brian: there's still hope Derrick.
Stewie: also before I go… (Slaps Derrick across the face) it's being shot in this state! So of course you'd be staying here at the Fatman's house, you skinny son of a bitch! (Runs up the stairs)
Derrick: for some reason I think I made him mad…
Brian: yep you sure did you son of a bitch.
Derrick: what was that for?
Brian: oh nothing… I was just saying what Stewie said.
Derrick: that's kind of hurtful…
Brian: yeah… sure…
Derrick: well it is…
Brian: and I'm not arguing with you.
Derrick: I know your not but you're being all uppity. What's the deal with that?
Brian: I'm always like this.
Derrick: yeah but your doing it… I mean you're doing it more then usual.
Brian: and that offends you?
Derrick: well… sure… I guess…
(They pause and stair and one another)
Derrick: I'm sorry man… (Hugs Brian)
Brian: I'm sorry too. (Hugs Derrick)
(They are acting like Gangster brothers)
(Happy Go Lucky)
Peter: (Stands running the manufacturing line and watching out for James who could arrive at any minute)
Mr. Weed: (Walks up to Peter) Peter!
Peter: (Shrieks because he thought Mr. Weed was James) oh… Mr. Weed you frightened me!
Mr. Weed: I need those Progress reports on all the workers.
Peter: oh… here you go. (Hands them to Mr. Weed)
Mr. Weed: (Looks at them) good… good… good… excellantae!
Peter: hey Mr. Weed… ummm… do you know if James called in sick today?
Mr. Weed: oh there's no way that he did. He lives here, he's just getting up.
Peter: that's a joke, right?
Mr. Weed: no… he actually lives here. Forever, and ever, and ever…
Peter: could you tell him to maybe stay in bed then?
Mr. Weed: whatever for?
Peter: because I feel scared…
Mr. Weed: he's assisting you constantly… isn't he?
Peter: no….. (He says like he's lying)
Mr. Weed: Peter… I know when you're lying… don't worry you will soon grow used to James being by your side… he can become a real friend if you really let yourself go into his wit and charm… he makes me want to just jump right on top of him and- umm… never mind…. (Slips away)
Peter: hmm… maybe I will…
James: (Appears to the side of Peter) hi, Peter.
Peter: (Screams and looks at James) hi there James… umm… how are you?
James: fine…
Peter: (Chuckles lowly) that's good… that's very good… you know… I think that's pretty good.
James: Mr. Griffin, I know the past few days I've kind of been all up in your grills and well… I'd like to say I'm sorry and I'll try to annoy you a little bit less.
Peter: really?
James: for the most part yes, but for the 2nd part, probably not.
Peter: that works for me!
(They both shake hands)
James: now let me clean your glasses. (Takes off Peter's glasses and starts rubbing them to clean them)
Peter: ah! Ah! I can't see anything without my glasses! (Steps on the floor) I don't know what will happen now… I don't know!
(All of the sudden a vat of beer falls on Peter)
Peter: ah! What are the odds!
Announcer: you can't do that on television.
(Everyone laughs in the background)
(Studio)
Derrick: so… I'm officially beginning to film this movie?
Steven: yes sir-re and I'm going to your boss for the next 5 months.
Derrick: sounds good to me. So I can still live with my family?
Steven: of course you can, and you can even have sex with your brothers hot wife, if you so desired.
Derrick: umm… (Sweating) whatever gave you that idea?
Steven: here let me give you an example. Your movements and words have indicated a love for someone close to you; therefore you want to commit incest.
Derrick: no… no way… it's not incest… she's not related to me by blood.
Steven: oh… well then you can bang that till the day you die Derrick.
Derrick: yes! (He jumps into the air with his arm pointing towards the air and there is a freeze frame with the song "Don't you forget about me" playing in the background)
(End Credits)
Note: More is to come soon, sorry for my lack of posting new chapters to this story, it's just I've had serious writers block with this story and I've been working on my Dragonball Z Fan fiction a lot more, I'll try to update again real soon. I hope you enjoyed the new one.