Guess who's coming to Quahog
It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values. On which we used to rely. Lucky theirs a family guy. Lucky theirs a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us, Laugh and Cry. He's A Family Guy!
(Griffin house is shown)
(Everyone is shown at the table having breakfast)
Lois: (Is up at the stove)
Meg: mom… dad… I think someone's been watching me through my bedroom window…
Lois: that's nice honey.
Meg: I think they might want to abuse me…
Peter: sounds interesting…
Meg: I'm fearing for my life.
Peter: the important thing is you tried honey. And that's all that mattes…
Meg: I got a sexual threat in the mail.
Lois: and I'm sure it's a fine young boy Meg.
Derrick: well sexual thrills aside; I think we should discuss what kind of genre of movie I should stick too once my career gets set in motion.
Brian: Derrick, I don't think you should choose one specific genre here, I mean you should vary your options and choose roles not because of the genre but because of the script, you know. Cause if you just choose a specific genre it will most likely be a bad movie roll to choose.
Derrick: do you even know a thing about acting Brian?
Brian: umm… well…
Derrick: then don't speak! Seize and desist!
Brian: (Sighs)
Lois: (Turns around from the stove) by the way everyone I invited mom and dad over and guess what? I invited Francious and Thelma over as well!
Peter: (Was drinking coffee but then spits it all out and drops his newspaper he had in his hands) whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(5 hours later)
Peter: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Derrick: (Slams his hands on the table) would you stop fucking doing that! (He yells really loud)
Peter: Lois! You know half as well as I do that Mr. Petwerschmit and my dad never get along with each other; don't you remember the last time they were in the same room together?
(One time)
(Both Carter and Francious are shown lying on the ground twitching because of a confrontation)
Peter: (Walks in) (Sighs) I don't even want to know what happened here…
(Back to real time)
Lois: I know Peter but with your brother with us now… well I thought we should get the whole family together to reminess with each other… you can invite your friends over if you want…
Peter: awesome then! Will get drunker then holy hell and we won't be embarrassed by my dad and Carter's actions.
Lois: I'm sure they won't fight Peter… I mean they've gotten older since then and well… I think now Francious has more of an acceptance for me being a Protestant and all, the last time he was here he called me a good woman with a nice rack.
Brian: you liked that comment?
Lois: it was awkward but since Francious said it, it was alright.
Peter: when are they coming?
Lois: this weekend! It's going to be a great time!
Derrick: hopefully it will be better then last years rocking New Years Eve.
(One time)
(The Ball to the New Year is dropping)
Dick Clark: and the ball is dropping.
(The ball is not even moving)
Dick: 30 seconds remain.
(The ball still has yet to move)
Dick: 13 seconds…
(The Ball has not yet begun to move)
Dick: 10…9…8…7….6…5…4….3…2…1! Happy new Year!
(The Ball does not even move yet)
Dick: Happy New Year to you all.
(Then the ball starts to move on the one minute call)
Note: you have to have seen last years rocking New Years Eve to get that joke.
(On the Weekend in the kitchen)
Lois: (Is preparing guest food)
Meg: mom he's sending threats to me again!
Lois: hmm mmm…
Meg: mom! I can't even sleep at night! I'm really scared!
Lois: hey Meg why don't you be useful and give me the pepper.
Meg: mom! (She shouts) (Walks away)
Stewie: (Walks in with Rupert in his hand) something in here smells like it's been made by a fat cow! Oh yeah! In your face bitch! (He shouts to Lois) Yeah! Now I feel high and mighty now!
(There is then a knock at the door)
(The Family answers the door)
(Carter and Barbara stand there)
Lois: hi, mom! Hi, dad!
Carter: hello pumpkin. (Hugs Lois)
(Chris and Meg run up to Carter and get hugged)
Barbara: now you do remember to wash your hands before greeting someone Lois, right?
Lois: (Sighs) yes mom…
(Carter and Barbara walk in)
Derrick: (Walks in)
Carter: Derrick! The one I wish was my son in law. (Shakes his hand) so nice to see you again it feels like it's been forever.
Derrick: well it hasn't been too long…
Carter: well the last thing I heard is that you're going to be rich soon, just like me.
Derrick: well maybe a little more money then the usual New Englander makes in a year.
Carter: even so you're going to be powerful Derrick! I see a bright career in your future.
Peter: (Comes walking in) now how come you haven't said nice things about my accomplishments?
Carter: because you're fat.
Peter: that's the reason for everything.
Carter: now let's all have a good time.
Stewie: I already know how this weakened is going to turn out… just wait until the Fatman's father gets here and there will be hell to pay. HELL TO PAY!
(Sometime later)
(There is another knock at the door)
Brian: (Answers the door) (He is slapped in the face)
Francious: never open the door to me you heathen bastard!
Brian: but Francious I have to-
Francious: I could have figured it out me self!
Brian: but you knocked…
Francious: it was a test you godless fur ball.
Thelma: hello Brian.
Brian: (Sighs) hi Thelma, I see it's the usual then.
Thelma: sure is Brian, sure is.
Peter: (Walks over) mom! Dad! (Hugs them both at the same time)
Francious: now get your hands off me boy I don't want people getting the wrong impression.
Thelma: Peter, where's you're brother I haven't seen him for a long time, I need to see what he looks like as a young man now.
Francious: nothing overly impressive…
Thelma: Francious!
Francious: what?
Derrick: (Walks in) hi mom! Hi dad!
Thelma: (Runs up to Derrick and hugs him) oh my baby! It's been so many years! We had thought we had lost you.
Derrick: don't worry mommy, I'm here to stay from now on.
Thelma: (Slaps him across the face) you didn't call, you didn't write, you surly didn't send any plane Curriers!
Derrick: I should have expected that!
Thelma: where have you been the pat 20 years?
Derrick: all over mom… all over…
Thelma: the important thing is your back honey… hey you have some behind your ears… (Starts cleaning behind his ears with spit)
Derrick: mommy… I can handle it myself… (Acting like a kid)
Thelma: oh I'm glad you're alright though Derrick.
Derrick: yeah I guess so.
(A little later)
(In the living room)
(Francious and Thelma enter and Carter and Barbara sit on the couch)
Carter: Francious…
Francious: Carter…
(They exchange looks and glances)
(Thelma and Barbara walk up to each other)
Barbara: oh hi Thelma.
Thelma: hello Barbara… ooh did you nit that sweater by yourself?
Barbara: why yes I did! Thanks for noticing.
(Francious and Carter continue to look at each other as Barbara and Thelma discuss girl things)
Carter: sure has been a little while… hasn't it Francious…?
Francious: if you try anything funny I have the lord God on my side and he won't hesitate to smite you down!
Carter: I see you're still a religious nut like you've always been.
Francious: you better believe it!
(Stewie and Brian are in the room)
Stewie: who do you bet dog that draws the first blood?
Brian: defiantly Carter.
Stewie: I'm for Francious.
Brian: you're on!
(They both shake hands to confirm the deal)
(Later at the Dinner table)
Meg: Chris do you think you can help me if that boy tries to hurt me?
Chris: I have to watch Rocky after dinner Meg; I can't do anything else if I'm watching Rocky!
Meg: but Chris!
Chris: no buts! Rocky is the most sacred thing in the world!
Meg: since when did you start loving Rocky?
Chris: since last week.
(Last week)
(Knock at the door)
Chris: (Opens the door)
(There stands Sylvester Stallone)
Sylvester: my car broke down; yo… can I like stay here, or somethin? (Talking in the way he gets mad fun of for)
Chris: (Looks at him with praise)
(You zoom in to Sylvester's face and the song: "Eye of the Tiger" comes on)
Chris: (Points inside)
Sylvester: (Checks out his biceps and floats by Chris)
(The song is still playing)
Chris: (Shouts to the sky) yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrggggggggg! (Like Rocky did on the stair steps in the movie)
(Back at the dinner table)
Carter: so Peter you think you can pass over some of those non-catholic bagel rolls over here?
Francious: what the hell did you just say?
Carter: I said could he pass over some bagel rolls.
Francious: I know you said something else, tell me now.
Carter: maybe I did… maybe I didn't…
Lois: now, now guys this is a family get together! There will be no fighting here!
Peter: yeah guys, come on!
Carter: fine by me…
Francious: no promises…
(They all start to eat again)
Francious: maybe after dinner we can all have a bible grouping in the living room an discuss Catholicism, and where there is no sight if Protestants or Protestant whores!
Carter: (Stands up and slams his hands on table) that's it! I have had enough to hear with your bigoting towards my religion and you being such a nut! You want to take this outside?
Francious: I've been waiting for you to ask me that all day!
Peter: (Gets up) everyone calm down here! Lois is right about what she said! Were all supposed to be getting along and all that noise… now if you don't get your act together I'm going to-
(Knock at the door)
Peter: oh sorry those are the guys we all going to be watching the Pats game. (Runs to the door)
Carter: like I said let's take it outside!
Lois: noooooooooo! You guys can't do that! If you do then I'll do something I regret.
Francious: like what?
Carter: honey you aren't contemplating killing me are you?
Lois: uhh… of course not!
Carter: oh thank god…
Francious: what's a protestant like yourself plan on doing?
Thelma: hey Barbara let's discuss old fashioned things in the next room.
Barbara: okay Thelma.
(They both get up and go into the next room)
Lois: I'm going to become a stripper and bash both Protestant religion and Catholics.
Francious: you wouldn't dare!
Carter: a stripper? What the hell kind of idea is that?
Lois: look at me daddy; men would be drooling all over this body.
Carter: right about that… umm… but anways… Lois you can't do something like that! I forbid it!
Francious: I don't want my son married to white trash that is also a Protestant if you do that.
Lois: well it's going to happen if you don't settle your differences with one another.
(Francious and Carter look at each other and glance at each other and give each other dirty looks)
Carter: well then to avoid my daughter from becoming a person with an IQ of 2 I guess I have no choice but to accept these terms of use.
Francious: err…
Lois: Francious…
Francious: oh alright! Fine I won't try anything funny or violent towards him, but so help me if he looks at me the wrong way I will lay a can of whoop ass on him… holy whoop ass!
Lois: good then! Now finish eating.
Derrick: (Suddenly says out loud) so… who wants to play scrabble after dinner?
(At the doorway)
Peter: (Answers the door)
Cleveland: hello Peter.
Peter: alrgiht guys! Now it's a party!
Quagmire: I brought a six pack and a whole lot of love. Giggtey, Giggtey, Giggtey, goo!
Joe: alright! Let's watch those Pats whoop the shit out of those New Yorkers! Yeah! Get some! Yeah! Yeah!
Peter: whoa! Save it for the Television, my friends… save it for the television…
(Later)
Carter: (Is shown on the couch taking a nap)
Francious: (Is shown tippy toeing into the room over the back of the couch)
Carter: (Talking in his sleep and snoring) yes sally… let's keep doing it… oh yes… oh yes… hey Barbara you think you can give us a towel here? (Still asleep)
Francious: (Pulls out a bucket and then goes over the couch he then lifts over the bucket and three crabs fall out on different areas on Carter)
(They snap down)
Carter: (Quickly reacts and gets up screaming running around the living room back and forth) (He does not see Francious)
Francious: (Hides behind the couch laughing hysterically)
Carter: (Running all over the place) I think their crunching the bone exterior! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Later outside)
Francious: (Throws a Frisbee for Brian)
Brian: do you really think I'm going to get that?
Francious: (Cocks a shotgun)
Brian: (Sighs) okay… (Walks after the Frisbee)
Carter: (Comes out of the Garage) hey Francious I think there's a huge rat in this garage that needs to be trapped and I can use a man of your caliber to help me out.
Francious: rats? I hate those heathens! (Runs to the Garage) take me to those godless bastards.
Carter: right this way my friend.
(They both go into the garage)
Carter: oh I almost forgot my net! I'll be right back, let me just close this door so the rat doesn't get out.
Francious: do what you want.
Carter: (Smirks and then closes the door as he leaves)
Francious: (Pulls out his shotgun) (Sees a toy rat standing in the middle of the garage next to the station wagon) (Walks over to it) prepare to meet your maker… and it won't be my god… only the rat god in hell!
(Francious touches the rat and then suddenly a bucket on the ceiling of the roof falls down on Francious)
Francious: what the? (Is hit with the bucket and it falls off and acidic acid was in the bucket so it is all over Francious making him burn up) oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Starts running around in pain)
Carter: (Goes up to the Garage window and starts chuckling at Francious)
Francious: oh why lord! Why oh lord! (Running around screaming in pain)
(Outside)
Carter: I got that boy now son! (Acting ghetto) yeah boy! Yeah!
(Later)
Francious: (Is under his car acting like it needs a fix) (Comes out from underneath) hey Carter come over here I need an extra hand.
Carter: I thought you knew how to fix cars!
Francious: well I need your assistance Cater as a friend.
Carter: (Puts down the paper he was reading on a son bather and walks over to Francious) what do you need?
Francious: (Comes from underneath it and wipes his hands off) I'm going to see if I can start the car and see if it runs properly, I need you to go under it to if the oil is okay.
Carter: fine... sounds easy enough.
Francious: alright…. (Walks over to the car door and opens it and gets in)
Carter: (Goes under the car)
Francious: alright hold on a second… (Turns on the ignition)
Carter: I don't see anything wrong with it, it's fine-
Francious: (Starts backing up and runs over Carter)
Carter: oh Jesus Christ! (He shouts in pain) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh god!
Francious: (Rolls over Carter again but this time by going forward) oh, I'm sorry about that! (Sarcastic)
Carter: oh god! Oh god! (Getting run over again by Francious)
Francious: I guess the power of Christ crushes you! (Runs him over again)
Carter: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Later again)
Francious: (Is shown walking down a sidewalk minding his own business humming a tune)
Carter: (Just runs up to him and sticks an electric wire on his skin)
Francious: (Starts getting electrocuted) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Carter: yeah! You like that, huh? Right? You like that?
Francious: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh god! Oh god!
Carter: taste good doesn't it? Pain and defeat? Huh? Yeah! yeah!
(A little later)
Lois: (Is cleaning dishes)
(Derrick enters the room)
Derrick: hey Lois what's wrong with you?
Lois: ever since we told Francious and daddy to stop yelling at each other they've been getting at each other with pranks and physical comedy. I just can't get them to stop.
(There is a bomb explosion in the background outside)
Carter: (Screams)
Francious: got you bitch!
Lois: they just won't quit…
Derrick: well Lois… that's just how they are… I mean there is no stopping it, your dad has always been an arrogant son of a bitch, and my dad's always been a controlling religious nut bent on converting everyone else.
(Gun fire in the background)
Carter: I got you good that time!
Lois: maybe you're right Derrick; I guess I just can't control their hatred for one another.
Derrick: I mean Lois in some ways it's kind of funny to see what they'll do to each other next; we get for free what other people have to pay 50 bucks to see.
Lois: you know what Derrick, I think you are right. What was I thinking? They can't control themselves… thanks Derrick.
Derrick: now can we have sex?
Lois: what?
Derrick: nothing.
(In the Living room)
(Peter and the guys are watching the Patriot game)
Joe: alright Tom Brady! Way to kick some New York ass!
Cleveland: you know I honestly do not think he's the best quarterback on this team, I think Drew Bledsoe was the best.
Peter: Drew Bledsoe? He's the reason we have Tom Brady, at least that's one thing he was good for.
Cleveland: you are a hardcore man Peter.
Peter: and you better believe it. (He puts his thumb up towards the screen)
Quagmire: (Looks outside and sees Carter and Francious in two airplanes having a dogfight in the sky) umm…Peter… is it just me or is that your dad and Lois' dad shooting fighting in WW2 planes?
Peter: (Looks out the window) why yes it is… hmmm… interesting…
Joe: I'll be back guys, tell me if Brady makes a touchdown… (Rolls away)
(You hear him outside)
Joe: (Shouts) alright get down here now!
(They continue to dog fight)
Joe: alright that was your only and last warning! (Shoots down both Plaines with a shotgun)
(You hear the planes as they blow up on the ground)
Joe: (Comes rolling back in) well that's the end of that problem…
(Later)
(Both Carter and Francious are shown in the kitchen with cuts and bruises all over their bodies sitting at the table, they also have patches on their different wounds)
Carter: (Has his feet in a bucket of hot water)
Francious: (Has crutches and two broken feet) (He sits on a chair)
Lois: (Is cleaning a wound off of Carter's face) (Sighs) why would you guys go and do a thing like this?
Carter: (points towards Francious) he started it!
Francious: did not!
Carter: did so!
Francious: did not times infinite!
Carter: did so times infinite and 2!
Francious: did so times-
Lois: shut up! (She shouts really loud) you two are acting like a bunch of school kids! Why don't you guys just shut up and smell the roses and get over each other, that's all it takes!
Carter: I'm sorry honey… I didn't know it upset you that much…
Francious: I really don't care.
Lois: wait no… this is partly my fault as well… if I had just let you guys bicker with one another you wouldn't in this kind of condition, I know now that you two are different people and that you will be bound to fight. And well I need to accept that, but promise me no more physical violence. Okay?
Carter: (Sighs) (Looks at Lois) okay Pumpkin… I promise.
Francious: no promises…
Lois: (Looks menacingly at Francious)
Francious: okay, okay, okay! I promise!
Lois: (Scooches both Carter and Francious together)
Carter: (Sighs) truce. (Puts his hand out)
Francious: (Hesitates) (Puts his hand out) true.
(They both shake each others hands)
(Thelma and Barbara stand at the entrance watching)
Barbara: isn't that wonderful that they finally are going to get along?
Thelma: it sure is.
Barbara: and my Carter was the one who saved that relationship. (Walks out of the room)
Thelma: (Looks at Barbara Manically as she walks away) you're Carter! (Her eyes grow veins in them)
(You see the Griffin house from the outside)
(Suddenly the house blows up)
Stewie: looks like I win Brian.
Brian: psh... yeah right!
(End Credits shown here)
The End