Chapter 18: The Love Overcomes Everything
"Can I hold them?"
"Sure" – Susan answered, giving one baby to Abby and the other one to John.
"Mommy is gonna love you so much!"
"Are they staying in the nicu?"
"I need to check"
"Is it ok if I miss them already?"
"Yes, it is. But they will only be in the nicu"
"And they're staying for fifteen days"
"We can use this time for us"
"Yeah, we haven't had a honeymoon yet"
"So, we're going?"
"Yes"
"Hawaii and Switzerland?"
"Sounds good for me. Susan" – She said to her friend who was walking in. – "Is it ok if John and I travel in these 15 days? I mean, can we leave them here?"
"Yeah, I suggest you to enjoy these two weeks because you won't have time later"
"Yes, we will. Thank you"
"I hope you two have fun"
"I'll call my agent. Be back soon"
"Are you sure you wanna do this?" – Susan asked.
"Not really. But you're right. We have to enjoy. 4 months married and we haven't had a honeymoon yet"
"Aren't you gonna miss them?"
"Sure I am. But I'll just feel bad if I don't go. John really wants this. And so do I"
"Then go. I think I'll discharge you"
"Thanks. Did you get it?" – She asked to John that walked in.
"Yes. We're going tomorrow"
"Great"
"Well, Weaver said you can go. But don't push too hard" – Susan said.
"Ok, right" – Abby said, getting up.
"Don't worry. I'll take care of her"
Later that night, John just came back from the street.
"Abby, ready?" – Noticing nobody answered – "Abby?"
What the hell happened?
He went upstairs and went to the room.
"Abby? Where are you?" – He asked, heading to the bathroom.
He was relieved to see her in the bath. He slowly gets closer and notices she's sleeping.
She's too tired. These 9 months were really hard for her. But she looks so pretty when she sleeps.
He kept watching her for a moment. Then he continued walking, kneeled down and kissed her. A tear fell from her eyes.
"What's wrong?" – He asked, wiping away the tear that ran through her face.
She just looked away, trying hard not to cry.
"Abby… what's going on?" – He asked, turning her face to face him – "Tell me. Talk to me"
"Oh John… it's just…" – She started, but the tears made her stop talking.
"Honey, it's ok. I know what you're thinking. But you don't need to worry. I'm here with you. For you. Now and forever"
"Promise?"
"Yes"
"Why do I miss it? I mean, now I can see the, but I feel empty inside me"
"You're saying that… you miss being pregnant?"
She just nodded, shaking her head.
"Honey, we can try to get pregnant again"
"Now?"
"I think it's still a little soon, you just gave birth and… although I really want to sleep with you again, I don't think now would be nice"
"How much longer?"
"Well, I guess we can wait about 5 days"
"You're desperate"
"No, I'm not"
"Yes, you are"
"Oh, you know me well. I can't fool you anymore"
"Anymore? You could never fool me"
"Ok, fine. I'm desperate to have sex with you again, no babies this time" – He laughed.
"You know what?" – She took his hand on hers – "The thing I missed most, in these nine months, was never being able to hug you. Was never being spend some moments alone with you. I really wanna enjoy this before carrying a third or, who knows, maybe a fourth child"
"Abby… I love you so much. What can I say? You got me. I'm falling even more in love with you. I'll always do anything for you"
"Well, you could start now. C'mon" – She said, asking him to get in the bath.
"My nasty naughty little nurse" – He teased, kissing her.
"What? You don't like that?" – She joked.
"Are you kidding me? I love it!" – He laughed, getting in the bath and kissing her.
"John…" – She pushed him away – "We forgot the protection"
He doesn't let her go, making her look at him.
"Well, I guess we'll make a baby then"
A smile came across his face and she smiled seeing that.
"You really like kids!"
"Yes"
"I hope they are normal" – She looked away.
"Abby…" – He made her look at him – "We promise not to have this conversation anymore. We'll love them, bipolar or not"
"I'm sorry. Where were we?" – She lifted her head and kissed him passionately.
Later…
"John, c'mon. I'm ready"
"I'm going"
The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Abby?"
"Hey mom, it's wrong?"
"Just wanna hear your voice"
"That's it?"
"Yeah, why? Is that a problem?"
"No, not at all"
"And the babies?"
"Emily and Phoebe are ok. They'll stay in the nicu for fifteen days"
"So, two girls! They were born before the time?"
"Yes, mom"
"Congratulations. I'd like to see them"
"Actually, you better no. At least not now" – She rolled her eyes – "And John and I are going to travel tomorrow. We're gonna spend our free time before the babies come home"
"Right"
"Mom, I gotta go. John and I have to… hum, do some things"
"All right. I'm sorry. Have a nice trip"
"Thanks. Take care"
"You too"
"I'm ready"
"Sorry. Not in the mood of making love now"
"Oh… who was it?" – He asked, laying on the bed and wrapping his arms around her.
"My mom"
"What she wanted?"
"To meet the granddaughters"
"You said no, right?"
"Yes, sure" – She said, sitting down.
"That's why you don't wanna sleep with me"
"I'm sorry?"
"Every time your mother shows up, you act like this"
"Blame her"
"Well, it's not only her fault"
"What?"
"You worry about the others more than about yourself"
"John, that's my mom!"
"So what?"
"So what? What if she comes here suddenly, heads to County and kidnap my girls?" – She got up.
"She wouldn't do that"
"She's out of control. She'd do anything"
"Ok, now you're being paranoiac" – He got up too.
"You care?"
"Yes, because I love you. And I know you too"
"Oh, you don't want me to love you"
"What?"
"You only married me because of the kids"
"And now I can't love you?"
"That's it"
"Can I decide for myself?"
"No! Go ahead" – She said, sitting in the bed, putting her head in her hands.
He sits next to her and stares at her.
"I screwed up"
"What?"
"This is so typical of me. To hurt the others when I am the one who's hurt. I'm sorry"
She stayed with her head in her hands and tears fell from her eyes.
"I'm the worst person ever!"
"No, you're not"
"Yes, I am. I'm a horrible person, a horrible mother… a horrible wife" – She emphasized the last words.
"Stop blaming yourself. You're not horrible. You're perfect"
"I'm not"
"Yes, you are. I chose you. I promised to love you forever"
She finally lifted her head up.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be" – He hugs her.
"I just want things to work out"
"We're trying. Let's use these fifteen days"
She looks at him and he can understand what she wants. He lays her down and lies on her elbows, next to her. He leans over and kisses her.
"That's the best part. Making up"
"You know, I bought this only for tonight" – She said.
"I think it still will be useful. And only for tonight? Too bad!"
"I can wear it more, if you want to" – She threw her arms around him.
"I'd love that" – He said, leaning over to kiss her.
"I… am…" – She started, but she stayed quiet because he was kissing her neck – "so…"
"What?"
"So… I can't say" – She laughs – "It feels so good"
"C'mon! You are so what?"
"So… in love… with you" – She smiles seeing he smiles too – "I am so in love with you. Desperately in love actually" – She stopped to sigh – "In a way that I just can't stay away from you"
"You're my wife, you can't stay away"
"So, you don't me to stay close?"
"No… I mean, yes… It's just…"
"What?" – She asked, pulling away from him.
"Sometimes, you show off too much"
"I'm sorry, what? Show off too much?"
"Yeah"
"I just try to show how much I love you and I show off too much?" – She got up.
"I understand, but it doesn't need to be all the time" – He got up too.
"I'm sorry if I like saying what you mean to me. I'm sorry if I'm not insensitive"
"Hey hey hey. Nobody here said you're insensitive" – He pulled her into a hug.
"You just did" – She talked into his chest – "I'm gonna sleep in the couch" – And she walked away.
"Abby…" – He held her arm – "Can't we just work this out?"
"No!" – She turned to face him – "I mean, not now" – She looked down – "You know, things always have to be your way. We'll talk tomorrow. Let's calm down and chill out"
She grabbed a pillow and a blanket and left the bedroom.
"Abby… please"
"John, I can't. We've been fighting a lot lately"
"We really need to talk"
"Not now, not today. I need to sleep"
And she went downstairs. He sits on the bed, and buries his head in his hands. She does the same in the couch, crying.
Now I'm sure. He doesn't love me. He only married me because of the babies. I wanna go outside. I wanna smoke. I wanna drink.
Why does she always have to ask if I love her? That pisses me off. She knows I do. A lot. I just don't know how to say. She's right. How can she know how much I love her if I can't even say 'I love you' when we fight.
Abby opens one of the doors of the shelf, grabs a bottle of champagne, goes outside and starts drinking. She ends up sleeping on the outside of their house. He looks for her and, through the window, sees her outside.
She's really upset with me. I'm a horrible person.
He goes out and picks her up.
It's freezing out here. She needs to warm up.
And he takes her inside.
"I'm telling you, Susan. I couldn't"
"I'm sorry"
"Yeah"
"But it wouldn't be so hard if you actually mean it"
"You know, I tried. I really tried. But I couldn't"
"So, you are in doubts?"
"Yes, kinda"
"You know, you should talk to her. Tell her what's bothering you. Cause, you know, I'm not the right person to help you. She's your wife, not me"
"Ok, thanks"
"Carter, is she sleeping on the couch?"
"She…"
"Is she?"
"Yes"
"My God, Carter! She just gave birth! She can't sleep on the couch!"
"She wanted to"
"You fought?"
"Yeah"
"Well, then make up, have sex and done"
"Susan, it's not that easy"
"Why?"
"She drank"
"What? Why? What did you do with her? Carter, did you let her down?"
"Kinda"
"Oh my God, you let her down! What did you tell her this time?"
"That…"
"What? Carter… you realize you're screwing it up and throwing away everything you built with her, right?"
"Yes, Susan, I realized that"
"So why you hesitate in fixing the things?"
"I… I don't know. I think… that… it's complicated"
"No, it's not. You're guys married. Work things out. I know she really wants that. And you don't want your kids to grow with divorced parents, do you?"
"No"
"So, somebody has to take the first step. And it's gotta be you. I need to go now"
"Ok, thanks an bye."
"Bye"
When he put the phone down, he saw the lights of the stairs on. He went downstairs and saw the lights of the room off and the kitchen's on. She was sitting with her hands on her cheeks, seeming to be in other world. He stared at her for a moment.
"What are you thinking about? Abby?"
"Huh, nothing. I had a nightmare and felt dizzy when I woke up. I fell out of the couch. And I decided to drink milk, to fall asleep"
"I think we really need to talk"
"Well, go ahead. But, first, I want to apologize for showing off so much. I didn't mean to be. I really didn't"
"I know" – He sat in front of her and took her hands – "And I didn't mean to be so rude. I was angry and stressed…"
"Very stressed"
"Very stressed" – He laughed – "The point is, I don't want you to stay away from me, because… I can't stay away from you. I always come back to there's something about you that I can't stay away from. There's something about you that makes me wanna… love you"
She smiled listening to his words.
"Good, because I don't want that too. But, we still have a lot to talk about. I still don't know what's on your mind. And I really want to understand. And I wanted, and still want, that you trust me. And know that I can help. I'm your wife, you know?"
"Yes, I know, Abby. And I trust you. It's just… sometimes it's hard for me to say what's on my mind to you. It shouldn't be, but it is. You don't know how much I feel bad knowing that you feel out of my life, when we're supposed to live just one. I know that's not the way it's supposed to be, but it is"
"John…it's ok. It's true that we're supposed to live just one life. But it's ok if you can't tell me. I totally understand. I… just don't see why you're acting like this, so weird"
"Because… I can't say… I love you after we fight"
"So what? It's a hard thing to say. And you already said other times. I know you can do it if you mean by heart"
"So, you don't mind?"
"Of course not. Because I know how hard is to put feelings in words. And I know that inside you love me. That's ok if you don't use words"
"You're ok with that?"
"Sure. Everybody has some difficulty. We have too. I don't blame you for not knowing what to say. Because I'm not that communicative. But we're gonna have to work this out, because you know, things will be pretty hard now"
"I'm aware of that. We'll have to make sacrifices for the babies. So, we're cool?"
"Yes"
"And… is it ok if I kiss you?"
"You need to ask?" – She said, bending her head a little and closing her eyes.
"You don't know what you mean to me" – He said before leaning over to meet her lips – "Is it ok if I take you upstairs?"
She hesitated for a moment.
"I guess… I don't know"
"Why?"
"Because… call me whatever you want, but this isn't the answer for everything"
"I know that"
"I just… don't know, it's hard"
"You need to let it go"
"I did. I just… need to be alone"
"Abby… you know you won't be able to run away from it for much time. Some time you'll have to let it go and talk to me"
"Yeah, I know that. But I'm not ready for that yet. It's complicated. I need to think"
"What's to think about?"
"Our marriage. We both know it's not working"
"I won't let you go. We won't divorce"
"John… listen…"
"No, you listen to me!" – He got up, yelling – "We're just going through a bad moment. We'll get over it. We have a family now. So, stop acting like a child! Stop acting like you were the only person alive! Stop acting like you were the only person involved in this relationship!"
She looked down. He got passed her and almost dropped her. He was going upstairs when she spoke.
"I'm sorry. You're right"
"Abby…" – He went one step down – "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I didn't want to"
Tears fell from their eyes.
"I know. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. I guess I really am"
"No, you're not"
"Yes, I am"
"Ok. Stop blaming yourself!"
"You know, you're right. I promised to fight to keep this family together and I didn't do anything till now"
"It's not true" – He went down the other steps – "You helped me to stay away from drugs. You're just afraid of failing. But you know you won't. I know you won't. Because I'm here to support you, to help you. Always"
He sat next to her and looked at her.
"Look at me, Abby" – He put his hand on her face and turned it to him – "I'm tired of fighting all the time. Seems like we'll never get along. We… have to"
"I know. I'm tired of this too. This shows how hard a marriage life can be. The differences end up being huge"
"Only if we let them be. Let's try to get along and fight less, ok?"
"Right. Cause I can't stand so many pain in my heart anymore"
"Neither can I" – He hugged her – "Now let's get some sleep. We'll have to wake up soon"
"Oh…" – She said, disappointed.
"What?"
"Nothing… It's just… Nevermind"
He opened his mouth, but said nothing. She knew exactly what he wanted to say.
"Oh, right… And you thought I forgot" – He leaned over to kiss her.
"I didn't say anything" – She smiled.
A few hours later… John woke up and saw that Abby wasn't in bed.
"Is everything ok?"
"Yeah"
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine. Just a little nauseous and dizzy but fine. By the way, I already packed. The bags are downstairs"
"Ok. Did you do a test?" – He asked.
"What?"
"A pregnancy test"
"John, I'm not pregnant"
"You never know. Just to check"
"Ok, right" – She saw the color it came – "See, I told you it'd be negative" – She noticed his face – "What? You look disappointed"
"It's just… you know… I wanted it to be positive"
"Oh, I know, honey. But none of us knows if it's really negative. I may be pregnant. And if I'm not, we have 15 days to try. Now let's get going"
A few hours later…
"It's so cool to be looking down"
"I thought you were afraid of high"
"Oh, I am. But with you by my side, I'm not afraid of anything"
He smiles and hugs her.
"With you, everything looks prettier"
"Oh, c'mon! We both know that's not true"
"Sure it is"
"No, it's not" – She bent her head on his shoulder – "But we won't argue"
"You know, you looked like a child seeing the town through the window"
"Really?"
"Oh yeah…"
There was a long silence.
"What are you thinking?"
"…"
"Abby?"
"Nothing"
"C'mon! Tell me"
"It's just… it's weird not having the kids around"
"Yeah, it is. But let's try to not think about them. Let's use these 15 days to get along with each other. And, who knows, come back with something else"
"You really wanna that, huh?"
"Yeah, I do. I liked the idea of being a father. I'm loving it" – He took her hand on his.
"I bet you will love it even more when they get home" – She looks through the window – "They will grow up so fast. Soon enough they'll be married"
"Oh, no no no. I won't let them marry"
"Relax, they aren't even a month old. And you're gonna be a very jealously father"
"Hey, I just want to take care of what is mine. I mean, ours"
"I think it's cool. To be jealous"
"You think?"
"Yeah, it shows you care"
A few hours later, they arrive in Switzerland.
"It's so cold here!"
"You know how to ski?"
"No"
"Then I'll be your teacher" – He laughed.
"I didn't like that idea" – She joked – "Can't we to something better? Just us two…"
"What? No! We just got here"
"C'mon! You didn't even let me finish"
"Let's… go to the hotel and rest for a while"
3 hours later… John was taking shower.
"Abby, aren't you coming?"
"I'm going"
"How long?" – He asked as she joined him.
"I don't know. A couple months"
"You missed it?"
"Oh yeah" – She wrapped her arms around him.
They seriously stared at each other for a very long time. She begged to be kissed, without saying a word. But, obviously, he didn't get it because, it the other minute, she was alone in the shower.
"Abby… I'm gonna go buy something to eat. What you want?"
"Anything"
"I'll be right back"
Abby walked out of the bathroom and heard knocks on the door. She quickly changed and went to open it. She tried to close it, but the man didn't let.
"Don't say a word" – The man said, pointing a gun to her head.
"Please, don't ki…"
"Shut up!"
30 minutes later, John was coming home and heard the noises coming from the inside.
"Abby? What are you doing?"
"John! Don't come in! Please don't come in! Run away!"
"Shut up!"
"What's going on?"
"Your wife has a gun on her head"
John froze. He couldn't believe what he had just heard and Abby sees her life passing by her like a flash.