Serenitae- oO flags ambulance for you
katieeeeee- UPDATED! For you, lol
deathmedic- Thanks for the compliment! I hope my upward trend continues. I will try to do the spacing a little better...people have actually told me my spacing needs work before..on my other fanfiction, lol. I'm trying to get a handle on it...
xlawa- yes he does...thank you!
theRegalBeagle- I shall continue writing! Hopefully, this is still funny, lol.
FuchsiaII- HAH! I would totally pay to see Silas pulling all that stuff out of his pocket in real life. Or whatever. Thanks for your comment. I'm glad you liked the 'kill me!' line. I'll try and keep you happy!
Pepsi, Coca-Cola, an ninjas do not belong to me.
So how did Langdon escape from the Louve, without breaking his skinny little chicken legs? It was all thanks to the devious and almost stunning Sophie.
When Sophie got the soap from Langdon, she did not use it to wash any part of her anatomy (which she dearly wanted to do, since Langdon had touched her and he smelled like Harvard). Instead, she used the soap to break the bullet-proof, laser-proof, weapon of mass destruction-proof, pantie-proof, (but not Dove proof!) window of the Louve men's room. Instantly an alarm began to wail like a thousand fangirls at a Daniel Powder concert. Langdon covered his ears and began to cry softly. He couldn't even hear himself whimper over the blaring sounds. "I don't like loud noises...they are bad for your inner ear..." he complained between despairing sobs. Inner ear problems were something of a phobia for Langdon, due to a traumatic pool incident when he was 3 and a half.
While Langdon was combating his childhood trauma, Sophie had spit her saliva lubricated gum into a trash-can, which she then lobbed onto the back of a Coca-Cola truck halted at a red light outside the Louve. "If we're like, seriously lucky, the trash-can will stick to the truck because of the semi-dried soda crust which coats EVERY Coca-Cola related object, and the GPS tracker will stick on that piece of gum on the bottom of the trash-can." Taking careful aim, Sophie flung the GPS tracker out of the window with a girlish "Hi-ya!". The stakes were very high. If the tracker landed anywhere but the tiny speck of gum, it would be smashed on the hard metal trash can, or the tough back of the Coca-Cola truck, which was more heavily armored then some tanks, since Coca-Cola really didn't want anyone to know it's secret recipe.
Sophie would have missed the Coca-Cola truck by a mile if a passing Pepsi truck hadn't sideswiped the idling Coke truck as it drove by. The shock of the collision knocked the Coke truck, and the trash-can perched on top of it, into the perfect position. The tracking dot fell in an almost graceful arch, and landed with a tiny splat on the still wet clot of chewing gum. It was a beautiful thing.
"Alrigh!" shouted Sophie over the intensely annoying alarms. "Let's blow this joint, heh?" she suggested. Langdon, who appeared to be unable to form complete, remotely intelligent remarks when not in front of a class, simply slobbered in fear. The alarm was causing him almost as much duress as those mean fact-checkers who spewed red ink all over his papers and books on iconology. Despite his fear, Langdon was in awe of Sophie's brilliant plan. Sophie Neveu was clearly a Hell of a lot smarter than he was.
Meanwhile, the commissioner was doing a little slobbering of his own. He had just found out that the cryptology department had not sent Sophie to assist him on the case, and this made him somewhat angry. Translated to commissioner speak, this meant, "That loose bitch snuck into my crime scene! The whore! What the Hell did she think she was doing! If she thinks I'm going to get her that job at Interpol she is so wrong!" Throttling a passing pizza man (the brother of the one Silas had offed) to quell his anger, the commissioner barked random commands at his cowering officers. They were worried that even the slightest movement might redirect the commissioners anger at them, and they liked their necks in the not squished position.
"Find Langdon! We'll deal with that Sophie woman later!" he shrieked, sounding nearly womanish in his anger. Flinging the twitching pizza man aside Langdon selected an unfortunate officer from the scattering cloud, "You get to stay behind and hide this body." The commissioner indicated the recently deceased delivery man. As if in tribute to the man's life, the smell of pizza seemed to hover in cold air.
While the commissioner was bursting his blood vessels with anger, Silas had just entered the church where his target was hidden. Probably. Maybe. The nun who greeted him was so old, Silas first thought she was a corpse resurrected from the parish graveyard. He only reconsidered this conclusion when he remembered that corpse reanimation was, as of yet, impossible. Except for Christ, but that's a different case entirely. Sort of an exception to the rule. Thought Silas, eyeing the crone with suspicion. How does she like, stay together anyway? Her joints look like they are about ready to disintegrate. He poked her experimentally, to see if she would dissolve. Though his finger left a lasting indent in her skin, the nun did not fall apart. "Don't touch me! You want to displace my muscles? What do you want, anyway?" she snapped. A few of her teeth fell out to punctuate her speech. "I'd just like to tour the church...if that's okay.." said Silas, picking a tooth off his foot.
The nun examined her visitor, "You look funny." she commented. Though Silas certainly looked different, being and albino and all, the nun saw him as having an elephant trunk and duck bills for feet. Her hair medication did strange things to her eyes. "Umm..." Silas said. Most people were more subtly weirded out by his appearance, and in all honesty, he was a little freaked out by the old nun.
"I'll still give you a tour of the diner though." said the nun. "Church." corrected Silas politely. "Enough with you're young person jargon. This is a diner! Show some respect. Now follow me." the nun extended a hand, which was green, mottled and looked something like lettuce gone bad. Silas could not disguise his disgust, "You hand is so gross looking, I can't disguise my disgust. Can't I go on a tour by myself?"
This upset the old women very much. The nun's spleen and pinky toe medication made it difficult to sleep at night, and she had woken up specifically to give Silas a tour. That and her cheek medication made her need to go to the bathroom ever hour and 17 minutes. You could set a watch by her bladder. However, since the man was so strange and sinister looking, she decided to let him have his way, "You creep me out. Go do your thing." she dismissed Silas into the church with a wave of her mutated looking hand. Silas winced at the sight of it, and hurried to the alter of the church, where his business lay.
Rather than return to her room however, the nun remained hidden stealthily behind a candle stick, watching her mysterious and annoying visitor's every move. "I'm spooky." she whispered to a paving stone.
The easily befuddled Langdon was attempting to walk sneakily along the dark, scarey and deserted corridors of the Louve. Considering his awkward gait, his squelching wet shoes, and his frequent complaints, Langdon was about as inconspicious as a pink plastic flamingo in Antarctica. "Why are they framing me for murder Sophie? I don't wanna die. It isn't fair." pouted Langdon. Stealthily.
Sophie, who was about ready to commit a little murder of her own, explained for the 34th time, "You're name was written by the victim at the scene of the crime! What is he supposed to think, huh? I mean, granted, the commish is hasty, but we've been through this Langdon!" A direct opposite to Langdon, Sophie was almost too sneaky, blending perfectly into the backdrop of the dark museum. Only her gleaming red nails betrayed her true location. Sophie was so skilled at sneaking because she was also a professional ninja terrorist. On weekends, her and her ninja focus group attached bombs to goats and herded them onto pirate ships, effectively blowing both boat and livestock sky high.
"So do you have any ideas about the code my grandfather left behind?" asked Sophie, hoping to stop Langdon's complaining with a question. "You know your name has 'ops' in it? And 'hi'. And 'so'. And 'Phi'." Langdon said, apparently attempting to calm himself by playing puzzle games. Sophie stopped short, though she did so with such stealth Langdon didn't notice. "I'm stopped windbag. How'dya know about 'phi'?" she asked. Langdon had a convenient flashback, reflecting how Phi was the divine proportion and how it appeared a lot in Da Vinci's artwork. "And that's how!" said Langdon triumphantly. And stealthily. Sophie shook her head. "I can't tell what yer thinking. And if you have vivid flashbacks at random intervals, you should have your balding head examined."
"It wasn't a flashback! I'm a time traveler." explained Langdon matter-o-factually.
"Excuse me?" said Sophie. Though her face was disguised by pantie-hose and war paint, her tone made it apparent her features had twisted into an expression of disbelief.
"I came unstuck in time. The aliens from Tralfalmadore told me so. Besides, Harvard people are too cool for time. Time is for poor people." explained Langdon as he scrabbled forward. This apparently made perfect sense to him.
Sophie was very tempted to smack Langdon on the back of the head and leave him to the commissioner. A person as insane as he clearly was would only be a burden to drag around. Suddenly, it was Langdon's turn to stop short. Sophie nearly tripped over him. "Hey! I think I've got something!" Langdon said loudly. "What?" asked Sophie dubiously. She was really hoping that the next words out of Langdon's mouth were not going to be 'I've come out of the closet'. Now was not the time for such revelations.
"'He is op!' that's an anagram of your name Sophie!" said Langdon in triumph. Making lame anagrams of things was his way of impressing girls. Langdon hadn't been on a date since he learned what 'anagram' meant. Sophie slapped her face, "Langdon.." she began. She was about sick of him and his whimpering. "Oh and by the way, that nonsense message your grandfather left you? It was actually and anagram of Leonardo da Vinci and The Mona Lisa." Langdon added as an afterthought.
Sophie wasn't sure if she was relieved that Langdon had answered the riddle, or disappointed she had found a reason not to leave him concussed and beaten on the Louve floor.