Warning: This story deals with subjects of suicide and depression. If you have a problem with that, I respectfully ask you leave and find a story more suitable for your taste.
I do not support suicide in anyway, having myself lost someone very important to me to such acts.
With that in mind, please remember suicide should never be an option. If you have such thoughts, please seek out a responsible loved one or professional help.
The cold air as it nipped against his bare skin felt like heaven, and the fiery burn in his legs from overexertion was a welcome feeling. His sleep deprived mind was running a mile minute, and anything else to focus on was gladly accepted. Normally when Raphael was in a mood like this, he would take it out on his punching bag till his knuckles were raw, but staying home was not an option.
His blood was boiling with anger, and it had been for the last four hours. It had started when Mikey decided it was a fun idea to paint his room pink. No, not his own. He painted Raph's room bright pink. Needless to say, it had sent the hot head into a blazing fury.
"Mikey! Swear when I get a hold of ya, you'll be eating out of straw for the next week!" Raph yelled, his voice echoing loudly off the walls of his freshly painted room.
Mikey was dead. He was deader than dead. Raph was going to kill him, bring him back from the grave, and do it all over again. He was going to paint him black and blue. He was going to-
"Whoa, Raph!" In his rage induced state, he had managed to not notice where he was going, searching for Mikey on auto pilot. He slammed roughly into the blue clad leader, knocking each of them back a few feet. Leo carefully looked his brother over, noting the heavy feeling of anger coming from the younger.
"What's wron-"
"Where's Mikey." Raph growled, not bothering to let the other finish his sentence. He was ready to hit something, and if Leo didn't watch his step it wasn't going to end well for him.
"Donnie's Lab I think. Wait what did he do? Raph? Raph?!"
But Leo's words were wasted on the second oldest.
The enraged turtle made it to the lab in record time, an extremely worried older brother struggling to keep up with him.
Raphael threw the door of the purple ninja's sanctuary open unceremoniously, his now white eyes, swiftly scanning the room for his desired prey. Finally, he spotted him.
"You." His tone was dangerously low. His calm voice portraying a silent threat.
Mikey looked up from where he was sitting beside his immediately older brother. His face went a pale shade of green at the sight of the other. A yelp escaped his mouth as he jumped up from his seat to take hiding behind Donatello.
He really messed up this time. Raph always threatened to kill him whenever he played a prank, but this time the youngest was afraid that he was actually going to fulfil his promise. It was just a joke though. They could always paint over his walls again, and he'd been really careful to not get any paint on Raph's stuff. Why was he this mad?
Don looked up, startled by the sight of the furious turtle. He glanced over his shoulder at Mikey who was cowering, his entire body shaking slightly with fear. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together.
"Raph, let's think before we do something we might regret." He warned, standing up slowly to form a better shield between his two siblings in case Raph planned to suddenly try to harm the prankster.
"Don, Move." Raph demanded, pulling his sais from their holsters.
Now Donatello was worried himself. When Raph was mad, he yelled. He screamed. He behaved rashly, acting without thinking.
Not now though. He was calm. Deadly calm, and it sent chills down his spine. Raph's eyes were glazed over with white, a color he only saw in them when they were in the dojo or fighting on the surface. His gaze was calculated as he looked around the room, obviously trying to find a way around Donnie to get at the freckled ninja.
"Raph, look whatever Mikey did, I'm sure-" Leo stopped, his eyes settling on the sight before him. Raph wasn't tearing their youngest brother limb from limb as he had expected. No, he had his weapons drawn, his knees slightly bent, ready to strike. It finally dawned on all of them how bad this situation was. Raph was dead set on getting back at Mikey for whatever he did, and Leo wasn't sure he would be able to save him this time.
"I'm gonna tell ya one last time, and then I'm gonna move ya myself. Get outta the way Don." Raph never took his eyes off the shaking turtle peeking over his protector's shoulder. He tightened his grip on his weapons slightly. His muscles tensed, ready to make his move.
"Raph. This isn't you-"
Donatello didn't get the chance to say whatever he hoped would calm his older brother. Raph dashed at them, his sais raised. The purple clad ninja barely had time to pull his bow-staff from its respective place on his back when Raph felt two arms slip under his own and wrap around his chest. He was stopped in place by a crushing hug. It wasn't a loving one though. Its purpose was not meant to sooth, but to restrain.
"Raph stop!" Leo pleaded, trying to keep the sound of desperation from creeping into his words. "You don't want to do this!"
"Let go!" With one clean movement, Raph managed to unhook his leader's arms from around his body and throw him backwards, effectively slamming his body against the wall with a loud thump.
At that moment, a loud "Sensei!" was screamed by Mikey, that no doubt could be heard throughout the whole lair.
Raph growled, whipping his head in the direction of the noise. He stalked closer to his target, trying to decide the best way to go about taking Donnie out, without majorly hurting him so that he could get at Mikey finally.
"Raphael! That is enough!" Splinters tone was sharp, cutting through the anger possessing his second oldest son.
The white finally washed from his eyes, but he did not lose his aggressive stance. "But master Splinter you don't even know-'
"I said that is enough!" Splinter yelled this time. "You do not raise your weapons in anger at you family."
"But Sensei!"
"Silence. I do not care what Michelangelo did or did not do. You are to hold your tongue."
Usually when he was finally knocked out of his maddened state, his anger would slip away. Guilt immediately taking hold, but not this time. If anything, it was worse, but he didn't dare disobey his father. His glare slipped to the floor as he watched Sensei father help Leo up from his peripheral vision.
Once Leo was standing on his own, Splinter cleared his throat. Raph looked up like he knew his teacher wanted him to.
"Michelangelo, please explain what you have done this time."
After quick glance at Raph, he stepped out from behind Donnie to face his father. "I might have painted Raph's room?" He answered, a nervous smile pinned to his lips in an attempt to keep them from quivering in fear.
"I see." The old rat stroked his beard in thought, clear disappointment on his face. "And this gives you the right to attack your brother?" Splinter asked, looking down at his red clad son.
"You don't understand-"
"That was not what I asked." Splinter sated a bit firmer this time. Though he clearly hid it well, he was definitely angry at Raphael. His actions were inexcusable. Under no
circumstance should he act that was towards his siblings.
Raph swallowed down his smart remark and instead looked around the room at his family. Both Don and Leo wore the same mask of disappointment that hid their fear. Mikey on the other hand only wore a look of fear, flinching when Raph glanced at him.
He should have felt bad. He should have felt terrible, but he didn't. Just anger. They didn't understand. Mikey's pranks were fine. They were even funny at times, but this
time he had gone too far.
Raph's room was his sanctuary, the one place where he felt truly safe. It was his room. The one place where he was free from Leo's nagging or Mikey's annoying presence. There was no Donnie telling him how he could do something better or Splinter's judgmental stare.
The one that made him feel like he would never be good enough.
Mikey had destroyed his sanctuary, or at least it's feeling. He had crossed a line when he entered his room. His brothers were never allowed in his room unless it was necessary. Even master Splinter didn't usually go in his room unless he felt he needed to.
He hadn't just gone in it, he'd changed it drastically. Not just the color of the room, but down to the very feel of the room to the smell of the air. It didn't feel quite like his anymore. Yes, he knew it was still his room, but just wasn't the same.
Why couldn't they understand that?
His clenched fists shook with pent up rage. He felt like he was going to explode. He was going to hurt someone if he stayed here any longer. So, he left. He ran past his father and out the lab doors, out of the lair, out of the sewers. He ignored his father's firm voice demanding he come back. He ignored his older brothers' pleas for him to stop. He shut it all out.
It was now two a.m., and he still couldn't make himself go home. He couldn't turn to Casey because he was out of town with his family and like shell he was going to go complain to April about what happened.
So, he ran. He dashed from roof to roof as fast as he could, doing anything to burn up the adrenaline running through his veins. He was thinking about how Splinter was going to ground him for life when he something caught his eyes.
A silhouette of a person a few roofs over. Eager for anything to take his mind off his rushing thoughts, he let his curiosity get the better of him. Using his years' worth of training, he stalked closer through the shadows with absolute silence till he was only a couple yards away.
His heart nearly stopped when he found out what it was. It was a boy no older than fourteen, inches from the edge of the roof. In his hand, he clutched a folded paper. The light from the streets below glistened in the tears dripping from his bloodshot eyes. A soft gust of wind past over the city top, making the young teen shutter.
Raph needed to stop him, but how? He was never one for words, but he was going to have to make do if he was right about what he thought was running through the boy's mind.
Raph cleared his throat, trying not to startle the other. The last thing he needed was him suddenly stumbling to his doom. Thankfully, that didn't happen. His shoulders barely flinched. Other than that, you wouldn't have known he realized the quiet ninja was there.
The red masked ninja made sure to stay in the shadows as the boy shifted to turn around and look to see who was there. He roughly wiped at his cheeks with the back of his hand and squinted into the inky black that hid the mutant turtle from sight. At best, the human teen could only make out a rough shape of the other and a basic height.
"What do you want?" The teen asked quietly, his voice scratchy and strained as if he hadn't talked in a while, or say, had recently been crying rather hard.
Raph poured over what to say in his mind and decided that the less words the better. That way, he had less chances to screw this up, and screwing up was not an option this time.
"To help."
The boy seemed for think for a moment before answering, glaring daggers into the ground. "You and everyone else." There was anger and hurt behind his words.
"I can't speak for everyone else, but I can for myself. Whatever it is you got planned, you should do a double check before you decide to do it." Raphael Hamato was not afraid to admit that he got scared, but he was always proud to say he could push past it. He had felt brave when he faced the Shredder, despite the terror that came with it. He had felt brave each time he saved the world along side his family and friends, forgetting the crippling fear and impending doom that surrounding them.
Right now though, he did not feel brave. He felt like a sniveling coward.
"I want to help you, but you have to let me."
He paused, giving the boy a chance to speak, but he didn't take it. He just looked ahead at the shadow before him, a bland look plastered to his face.
"Why don't you step away from that ledge and we can talk about whatever's goin' on?"
"Why should I do that?" He ever so slightly raised one of his eye brows. "I don't even know what you look like, but you want me to do you a favor? I don't think so. Last time I checked trust is a two-way streak."
Raph could feel as his mouth went dry. This kid wanted him to show what he looked like? He needed to think.
"I... Can't show you that."
The boy sighed. "You're wasting my time. Just leave me-"
"Raphael." The red clad mutant suddenly blurted out before he could stop himself. "My name's Raphael, but everyone just calls me Raph. I know that it must be hard to talk to a complete stranger so I thought... you might like to... ya know... Know my name."
The boy seemed to consider this for a second before opening his mouth to speak. "Alexander, but everyone-" He swallowed, wiping a new set of tears from his eyes. "Everyone just calls me Alex. I was named after my dad so calling me Alex, made it less confusing."
Both males went silent, filling the air with the sound of cars below and the wind whistling by. Raph took a moment to give Alex a quick look over. He was better dressed than some kids he saw out on the street, and guessing by the brand names on his clothes, they cost quite a bit. He was clean and his hair looked recently cut. This kid had either figured how to make money grow on trees, or he came from a family that had a lot of it.
"Now that we're on a first name bases... how about you tell me what's going on and why you're..." Raphael's voice trailed off, suddenly feeling very awkward.
"You can say it, you know?" Alex was now clutching the paper in his fist tightly, visibly crumpling it. "Why I'm going to jump? Why can't everyone ever just say what their thinking? " The volume of his voice began to steadily rise. His words donning a more passionate tone. "I'm tired of people being afraid of upsetting me. For once, I wish someone could just-Ugh." He suddenly stopped, wrapping his arms around himself, a frustrated sob escaping his lips. Tears flowed down his face freely. His body shook violently, showing something that made Raph's heart go out to the young teen.
Before him was a truly broken person. There was no hope or light in his eyes. Just pain and anger. Raph knew that look, the kind that only someone who had gone through real hardship could have. He sometimes saw it in Splinter's eyes when he talked about his wife and daughter, Miwa.
"Look I-" The red masked warrior was cut off though.
"Don't." Alex barely managed to choke the word out, pausing to swallow. "Please don't tell me that everything's going to be alright, or that things will get better." He ran his finger through his hair, looking back and forth from his feet to the stranger in front of him, hidden by the darkness of the night. "I'm tired of hearing that from everyone I meet. Everyone thinks they've got my life figured out. You probably do as well, right?"
Raph chose not to answer, knowing a rhetorical question when he heard one. This conversation was not going how he hoped it would. He needed to take a different approach.
"Think about all the people you would be hurting if you died, they would miss you, I'm sure."
Raphael was startled when he heard a joyless chuckle come the boy across from him.
"Miss me?" He laughed again. "You must really not watch the news. You have no idea who I am, do you? That would explain somethings."
Confusion flooded the ninja. What was he talking about? Had he really been on the news lately? Raph preferred to ignore the media, frustrated about how much they twisted the truth about the world around them. It wasn't unlikely that if this kid had been on the news, that he would have missed it.
"Look, no one would care if I died. Sure, the media would blow it out of proportion, and people would pretend to care, but give it a month? Two months, maximum, and they'll forget about me. I'm not important. I was never like my father or my mother. Hell, ever my little sister could do better than me."
This kid was speaking in past tense. Was he already viewing himself as something that was just a piece of history? If so, it wasn't a good sign.
"You could still make something of yourself." Raph tried, hoping he didn't sound as desperate as he felt. "There's always something to live for. You sound angry at someone or something, but that doesn't mean you should just-" Raph stopped, a lump building in his throat. His voice had begun to shake horribly. "Killing yourself should never be an option."
Alex looked away, his eyes locking onto the ground beneath his feet, a small, shakey smile pulling onto to his face. "You know, you sound a lot like my dad. He always told me to keep trying, to never give up. Right now, he would probably be telling me how stupid I am." He shifted his gaze to the paper in his hand. "Raph, was it? How old are you?"
"I turn sixteen in a month."
"Just a couple years older than me. You know... we could have been friends in another life. Maybe if we had met earlier." The teen continued to stare down at the note in his hand. It had been meant for the police when they found his body, but...
Raph decided not to mention that they probably could never be friends, considering that if Alex saw him, that he would run away screaming monster at the first sight of him.
Ah, the perks of being a mutant.
"Do you believe in afterlife?" Alex questioned, looking up at the shadowy figure in front of him that no longer seemed like such a stranger, despite not knowing much about him.
"Um, I d-don't know." The red clad ninja stuttered, surprised by the question.
"I guess I'll get to find out. Keep this for me." He gestured to the note in his clasped hand. "I get the feeling it will benefit you more than whoever else finds my body."
"Wait! -"
"Thanks for being there for me in my final moment."
It happened so fast that Raphael didn't get a chance to react. Alex dropped the now crumpled paper in front of himself. He gave one last smile to the figure that had spoken such kind words to him, and finally let his body fall backwards. The light from the city around him shimmered in his eyes.
Raphael fell to his knees, not bothering to look over the edge of the roof. It was a sixteen-story drop, there was no way the kid had survived. Not from that height.
He didn't know what to do. He felt scared, angry, and all together, he felt numb. He felt like he should cry, but he couldn't bring himself to. He knew somewhere in the back of his head that he was probably in shock, but at the moment it was all he could do to get himself to breath.
He kept replaying the moment in his head over and over. What he could have done differently, what he could have said to change his mind. Guilt coursed through him, claiming his mind like a steel trap. Despite the warm breeze, he felt chilled to the bone. As if ice had filled his veins.
He felt like he should cry, but he couldn't bring himself to.
After what felt like forever, he got off his knees. His legs had fallen asleep by then, but he didn't seem to notice. Running off whatever emotion that was going through him, he used it to push forward. He carefully picked up the note that the teen had dropped, tucking it in his belt. He didn't bother to look at it, unable to make himself do so, and started for home. He made it to the ground, traveling through the shadows. By the time he made it to the manhole that lead to the sewer system back to the lair, it was already nearing three a.m.
He trudged through the damp, dark tunnels of the city above. He didn't even notice when he had made it back to the abandoned subway station he called home until two arms slammed around him in a tight embrace.
"Raph, you're home! We thought something had happened to you!" Mikey's worried voice cut through the hot head's muddled thoughts. He then pulled back, letting Raph see the tears nipping at his baby blue eyes.
"I'm so sorry about painting your room pink, I swear I won't do any more pranks on you. Well, at least for the next month. Actually, I don't think I could hold off for more than a week, but what I'm trying to say it that I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry. I swear-"
Normally Mikey's consistent rambling was annoying, but right now it just felt like white noise, not truly being processed by his brain.
"Raph! Where have you been?!" Came Leo's angry voice from behind. He stomped forward, a glare firmly on his face. "If you were going to leave, you could have at least brought your phone! We had no idea where you were. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Raph stared blankly at his leader and younger brother. "I messed up horribly. I'm sorry for what I did, and I regret it wholly. I acted rashly and should have handled the situation better. I once again let my anger get the best of me, when I should have controlled myself."
Raph could hear the words leaving his lips, but they weren't his own. Just phrases that his mind hoped that if he said, his brothers would let him pass and leave him alone.
The orange prankster could not believe his ears, and neither could the oldest of the bunch. He expected Raph to defend himself, not to apologize.
"Are... you feeling well bro?" Mikey asked, concerned.
He didn't respond, but simply brushed passed them and towards his room. On his way there, he passed by Donatello, but when he tried to say something, Raph simply pushed on. The purple genius's words falling on deaf ears.
He finally made it to his room, pushing the half open door out of the way before closing it behind himself. He didn't bother to turn the light off, nor did he care about the slight chemical smell of the air around him. He slipped off his gear, flopping onto his bed with a thud. He pulled his pillow over his head and fell into a fitful, nightmare haunted slumber, the note Alex left held tightly in his hand. The whispers outside his door and the pink walls around him going unnoticed.
Hey guys! The idea for this has been playing around in my head for awhile, so I decided to write it down. I'm not sure if I intend to write more for this. I guess it depends on the response this gets. I've been dealing with writer's block with all of my stories lately, so I've decided to take a break from them and change things up a bit. Please review!
I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.
Thank-you!