Hey guys! Welcome to my first Spider-Man work! I'm not going to lie to you; this story is going to be a bit of an emotional ride. It's not your typical Spider-Man story. It's going to be a dark story about a superhero's breaking point but is very much a story about losing and rediscovering one's self. That 'self' just happens to be Peter Parker, a boy who becomes someone he no longer recognises.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Violence, Scenes and References of Torture (Not grossly detailed I promise), References to Abuse and Sexual Violence (No direct scenes involving it), Course Language and Panic Attacks.

As for genre, I'd say this is an Action Drama with Romance and Mystery (for some of the characters)! Thank you guys for taking your time to read this, I wish I could say I have an upload schedule but working 10 hour shifts most days, when I can write, I will write. Cheers guys!

Chapter 1: To Keep From Falling Apart

The morning began a couple of hours ago, and Peter swings towards the roof of a secluded building, trying not to bring attention to himself. Thankfully, a billboard blocks the view from the opposing buildings and most light sources, granting him a reassuring blanket of darkness. He lands as silently as he can, using his webs to compensate for his fall, though once his feet meet the ground, he collapses onto it. Peter allows himself a moment to put lay on the roof, ragdolled as comfortable as he could manage, his backpack making his shadow look like a ninja turtle. Peter lets out a light albeit weak laugh at the sight, which causes him to ponder the look. He quickly decided that nobody could see him as lame as he looked, so who gives a shit. Peter adjusts himself in an uncomfortable sitting position, his breathing still heavy after his long night. His stomach growls, his shoulders are beyond heavy, and his eyes cloudy, bloodshot. He can't remember the last time he got a decent nights sleep; there's only so much comfort you can find on a hammock made of web and a backpack as a pillow, causing his body to ache. Shit, Peter's body has been aching for a few days, maybe a week. He's not too sure anymore. Though he's wanted for the murder of Quentin Beck and the god damn terrorist attack on London, marking him a terrorist, as well as the fact the asshole Beck's last laugh was revealing his alter ego to the world-
"Shit, Peter, take a breath, just- take a breath," Peter shutters to himself. It was still summer, yet a cool breeze was settling in the city. At this time of the year, most people wear shorts and thin shirts comfortably in their homes. Yet, things are the opposite for him. Out in the dark, on a cold rooftop, away from the comfort of his and May's somewhat insulated apartment, away from the move nights where they'd cuddle on the couch. God, he misses her more than he could ever put into words. MJ, Ned, Betty too, he misses all of him with all of his heart, and he's promised himself he'd never tell him how horrible it was to be away from them. All of them. Peter snaps himself out of his thoughts before he gives himself another panic attack. Facing those alone has been more challenging than anything school ever threw at him, Flash included. "Fuck, I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it. I miss school."

He struggles to push himself off the ground, shooting a web at the back of the billboard behind him, using it as leverage to pull himself off the ground instead. He stares up at the stray web on the billboard, knowing he can't afford to waste it.
"I guess I'm sleeping on a billboard tonight. How exciting, I'll be sure to rate it five stars," Peter groans, preparing himself to mount onto the wall and begin his ascension. That's when the first clear thought in days pops into his head. "Karen, are there any surveillance able to see me right now? I'd rather not wake up to John Walker trying to stuff me into a bag."
Karen lets out a light chuckle before speaking, making Peter glad he updated her software to give her a sense of humour and more personality. Mostly to give him someone to talk to, but Karen seemed quite thankful for her upgrade. Of course, that also means she doesn't find every one of his jokes funny. Although that was awkward to experience at first, Peter sees it more as Karen keeping him in line, now that MJ cannot do it, even over text. "You're in the clear, Peter. You're able to make your bed, but that'll lower your webbing to 40% capacity. I know you're running out of webbing."
"Thank you, Karen, I'd be lost without you," Peter smirks as he begins climbing towards the middle of the billboard.
"I already knew that, Peter," Karen remarks back, noticeably lightheartedly.
Peter's mind thinking of everyone again, clouding his focus, not that he'd stop climbing and fall off; his muscle memory did the rest. He isn't troubled by that, no, not at all. What troubles him is how he left things with everyone. How he, Peter Parker, dropped everything and disappeared the moment everything turned to shit. Well, not immediately anyway.

He was in such a rush to go into hiding; he barely got a chance to say goodbye to MJ, for who he'd just confessed his feelings for in Europe. It was supposed to be a beautiful occasion with her, he had a plan, but of course, Fury, Beck and the world had a different one. They'd barely been home a day, arriving home late in the night and with MJ's parents working, Peter invited her to stay with him and May. Save her from getting a cab or walking. She sure as hell wouldn't let him swing her there. Besides, May was ready to pick him up anyway. Regardless, it was a 'smooth move', as MJ put it since they'd been dating for less than twenty-four hours. May was ecstatic to hear and immediately admitted to MJ that Peter talked about her. A lot. That and the 'smooth move' comment embarrassed Peter so much. You could swear his cheeks were light up the car, causing May to laugh at him from the front seat of the car. He finally calmed down once MJ emphasised to find the suggestion cute, and that's why she didn't even think about saying no. May welcomed her with open arms and made each of them pancakes as a welcome back snack before bed if you can call it that. Before MJ and Peter could even think about heading to bed, they had- well, Peter mostly, told May all about their crazy trip. Even the less than ideal parts about it, to her dismay. After they'd said their goodnight, MJ and Peter changed into their PJs awkwardly facing opposite sides and climbed into Peter's bottom bunk without hesitation. They'd spent the rest of their night talking about how great it was to be back and how lucky each of them were to be alive, as well as how lucky they were to have each other, as well as the romantic and albeit dorky quirks that followed each of them. That's when Peter had convinced MJ to let him swing her around the city, even if it was for a short time. He knew she was scared of heights, so it was a big ask, but after convinced her he'd never let go of her, never hurt her, never leave her alone, she finally said yes. Before they went to bed, MJ had one final thing to say.
"Do you promise me?" MJ asked sternly in a whisper. Her voice cracked a little as her eyes cautiously stared into Peter's. "Promise me you'll never leave me, promise me you'll never die on me, Parker. I mean it, you know how much- this all- ugh, you know, means to me."
"Us. You- you know how much this all means to us. Because- you and I both know, MJ, I- understand how you feel," Peter whispered tearfully, a smile glued onto his lips as he kissed her forehead, each of her cheeks before he laid a final kiss on her lips. "I promise you, MJ."
"Thank you, dork," MJ giggled, snuggling right up to Peter's neck, his head placed on top of hers. Peter had his arms wrapped around MJ as she clung to his chest, listening to the peaceful sound of his pounding heart. Knowing he was just as nervous as she was.
"Anytime, loser," Peter happily chuckled, kissing the top of her head.
"I promise too."

They truly were lucky to have each other.

But there he was, making a hammock out of his web for a makeshift bed, careful to stabilise the integrity of it as he knows it'll weaken over time. Not that he'd sleep much anyway. There was no luck in his situation. All his luck disappeared the moment he swung away from MJ and the intense crowd that was close to making his ears bleed. Some of them were calling him a hero and defending him, knowing it was all bullshit. The majority, the ones that overtook the crowd the moment they knew their opinions outnumbered the former, the things they had to say. A monster, a terrorist, a menace, a devil, a superterrorist and a supervillain. All of those hurt so much, he swore he was crushing MJs hand as he desperately clung to it, but she never let go. Not for a second. Her eyes were always on Peter, telling him everyone was going to be okay until suddenly he heard her words.

"Go, Peter! You know I'll wait for you. We both promised."

They were the last words Peter heard from MJ. He could've accidentally crashed into the side of a building while swinging away, but he couldn't look away from her. Taking in every detail of her face, knowing it was going to be the last time he'd see her for an unknown amount of time. Her beautiful hazel eyes, delicate lips and luscious cheeks, both of which he loved to lay soft kisses on. Her wonderful curly brown hair always seemed to float in the wind as she smiled at him, knowing he was safe. Though Peter couldn't help but notice the sadness in her eyes, the sudden weight on her shoulders, like the world was crashing down her. He understood the feeling. God, he regrets not kissing her goodbye. He immediately went to May's, sneaking in through the window, knowing he couldn't just walk in anywhere anymore, as well as the fact authorities would be coming to him at any time. She'd seen the news, so she was just as panicked as he was, if not more. Peter told her his plan to talk to turn himself in and talk to the authorities, see if it was worth talking to them, and see if they would listen. She agreed with the plan, and Peter, knowing his doubts and the probability of letting him walk away, regardless of whether they believed him, began packing bags. A couple of bags, a backpack and his suitcase he'd just brought from Europe, packing himself clothes, components to make more web fluid and any food he could fit in his backpack. He remembers the feeling of dread every time his eyes met MJ's belongings from the night before, the way his mind wondered so desperately if she was okay or if the crowd gave her any trouble. Though he doubted it, MJ is a tough bitch. She's far from needing superhuman abilities to intimidate who opposes her. The thought makes him smile, even in his current position. That makes him miss her more.

He couldn't text or call her if he got tracked, so he promised himself he'd find another way to talk to her. Ned and May too. After taking out his sim card and destroying it, he nonchalantly broke into their school that night, using Karen to disable the cameras for a few hours. Though it didn't take that long, Peter formulated a way to gift Karen a dual connection using the tech and computer labs. One to his suit and one to his phone, though with the hope she'd be able to override the mainframe of the phone and contact MJ without a phone number. It was possible, but unfortunately, Karen had informed him that calling anyone would emit a signal that anyone looking for him could trace at any point, and with the suit now connected to the phone, if they can track the phone, they can track his suit. Then he'd be fucked, making him a sitting duck no matter where he was. That disappointed Peter, but the dual connection was valuable nonetheless, allowing Peter to track down criminals and avoid most if not all authorities while out of his suit. Speaking of authorities, the 'talk' with them, if you can even call it, didn't exactly go smoothly. The moment the FBI got their hands on him, they were rough with him, roughed him up more than a few times when he 'refused to talk' without outright assaulting him. However, Peter was telling the truth and nothing but the truth, about Beck and his death, about the attack on London and the drones Beck used. The drones that were gifted to him by Tony Stark. Even though their interrogation was for naught, nothing could remove the guilty stain that now permanently shrouds Peter. No matter what he said or what he did, they wouldn't budge, wouldn't believe his word. Shit, they wouldn't let the word of his Lawyer, a blind man named Matt Murdock, stir their firm absolution.

So Peter did what he had to. He vanished from the interrogation room the moment Murdock wanted to speak to the agents in private. It was almost like his blind lawyer allowed him to escape, distracting them long enough for him to break the cuff connected to the table and crawl out of the window. They knew he was Spider-Man. There was no denying that now, so he escaped as Spider-Man would. He webbed his way back to May's and said his tearful goodbyes to her. But not before promising her he'd come back once everything calmed down, whenever that would be. She'd given him close to a grand in cash, but with his enhanced metabolism, Peter knew that money could only go so far at keeping him completely fed and that he'd have to ration his food. He didn't bring it up, didn't want to put the extra burden on May, so he accepted the money happily and gave her the biggest hug he could ever muster, his body quaking against hers. Once they'd finished crying and let go of each other, which took an amount of time Peter is still unsure of, he took his bags and disappeared into the night. He ended up stashing the bags and extra supplies at marked locations nobody could find them at, nobody but him, of course. That was the last time he saw May, just over two weeks ago. Being so alone with only Karen by his side, as well as the majority of the people who actually thanked him for helping him, saving their lives, has been absolute hell. Most of his money was gone, spent on food, just as he promised May, but the truth was it wasn't enough. Nothing seems to be enough anymore. Enough to keep Peter happy. Enough to keep him sane.

If Beck had marked Spider-Man a terrorist, Peter could've easily stopped being the web-head and work this out with Fury to prove Spider-Man's innocence. However, the icing on the cake, revealing Peter Parker to be Spider-Man, just made things impossible in the blink of an eye. Suddenly he couldn't do the simple things like go to school, see a movie with his friends, go to Delmar's for snacks, couldn't go anywhere anybody knew him. Including his own home. Getting something as simple as food meant he had to lie low and hope to god nobody recognised him. Though that's become easier over the two-week course, his face remains everywhere, but people have seen more of Spider-Man than Peter Parker. Peter's idea was to make people focus on the now vigilante aspect of Peter Parker, so when he is lying low out of his suit, the chance of being recognised has now somewhat decreased. That doesn't change the fact he remains on the world's most-wanted list, near the top of the list, no doubt. Considering, after hacking into SHIELD, he couldn't help but notice a file classifying him as a 'HUMAN/SPIDER MUTATE VARIANT' whatever the hell that means, he imagines his imminent capture will be a hostile one, far from soft. Top priority by Thaddeus Ross himself. The thought sends a chill down Peter's spine. He knows what that'll mean if he's captured. But he's innocent, right? He's certain of it. He made a huge mistake by trusting Beck. He's guilty of that, but not of Beck's actions. May, MJ, Ned and whoever they've managed to convince the truth to. They're certain of it too. Not like that matters. Fleeing from the situation probably wasn't the best move. But what choice did they give him? If they take him to the raft, just like they did to the Avengers on the other side of the civil war, who's going to protect New York from scumbags? As weak as he's been feeling, he knows that when they come to capture him, whoever they may be, government or not, he's going to give it his all escape and live another day. Even if it's another day fighting criminals on the streets, stopping robberies and assaults, all to see the relieved looks people have on their faces, regardless of if they trust him. Perhaps being Spider-Man is the only thing keeping him sane anymore, the weak glue keeping him from falling apart now that he's lost everything for the time being. The truth is, Peter could feel himself falling apart anyway, if not physically, definitely mentally and spiritually. He's been badly beaten, wounded, with his healing barely keeping him alive on more than one occasion, forcing him to retreat and swing to a secluded spot so he can apply stitches or burn cream. He's kept his medkit on him ever since, and considering the fear he held against criminals is now gone, he's nothing more to them than a child pretending to be a man.

"Well, guess what, assholes, this child has superpowers, and you don't."
"Peter?" Karen soft voice asks him. "Who are you talking to? Are you okay?"
Now and then, Peter notices that Karen tends to be somewhat motherly towards him. Peter knew that she was smart, but upgrading her software suddenly placed her in a sudden spotlight; her intelligence, disposition and character astonish Peter more than ever. She knows she's the only one Peter can talk to, the only 'person' Peter has left, considering his position. She's also aware that, as much as Peter does talk to her about his feelings, there's a lot that he doesn't talk about, a lot he doesn't want to address. His vitals are always giving that away, but it's not difficult to notice when Peter isn't himself, and he hasn't been himself for a long time. Karen knows that bringing it up will only make him uncomfortable or, worse, give him a panic attack, something she's been trying to make less and less common. So she says nothing. When he's crying in his sleep, so injured he barely manages to apply first aid or showing a little more than justified animosity towards criminals, she says nothing. But as time has gone by, she's noticing Peter is becoming more and more on edge, so much, so he's been beating the criminals he stops with far more power than he used to, increasing the likelihood of accidentally killing one of them. That is something she plans on speaking up about, but not tonight, not while he's so exhausted.
"Oh, um, nobody, just caught in my own mind again," Peter suspires, realising he'd been sprawled onto the billboard sitting stationary. With Karen snapping him back into reality and away from his maze of thoughts, he slips onto the hammock, using his bag as a pillow, but he has to take his time getting comfortable. Removing his mask to make it easier to breathe, Peter slides his hand into his bag and retrieves a beanie before slipping it onto his head, almost feeling content with the cool breeze. Without saying anything, he feels the heater in his suit subtly turn on, his body slowly heating at a comfortable pace. "Thank you, Karen."
"You know it isn't a problem, Peter," Karen said cheerfully. "Goodnight, Peter. Just so you know, if you have a nightmare, I'll wake you up without hesitation. In saying that, I don't want to hear any attitude."
"As if I'd give you attitude," Peter chuckles, staring at the night sky, wishing he could see the stars. Or at least his star. MJ. He closes his eyes, sighing deeply. "Goodnight."