The wind howled around the young ninja, chilling his dark emerald green skin. The tails of his mask whipping wildly to the side, making his skin sting every time they hit the back of his neck harshly. His vision clouded by shadows from all around, surrounding him like vultures waiting from him to die so they could feast upon his remains.

Fear, as cold as a winter storm, coursed through his veins, spreading through his body and into his shaking knees and lunges that couldn't seem to draw in enough air.

He couldn't will his quaking limbs to move, as if his body was too afraid that the darkness would swallow him whole if dared to shift in even the slightest, and then he was suddenly on a roof.

The sounds of traffic, people, street performers, and planes flying above filled his senses. The normally comforting sound that kept him grounded and reminded him of home, now betrayed him. It pounded in his head, over whelming him and deafening his already racing thoughts. Lights from the world around blinded him, almost making him wish for the blackness that had just plagued him only moments ago.

A young male, with a face he knew he wouldn't forget for a long time come, appeared in front of him barely inches from the edge of the roof, and just like his racing heart, everything thing seemed to freeze in place. Raphael could feel a cry trapped in his throat, one singular thought pounding away in his head.

The boy in front of him was going to fall, and there should have been something he could do to stop it, but there wasn't. He was powerless to do anything but watch.

A bright smile pulled onto to the boy's face, almost outweighing the way the city lights below seemed to make him glow. The sight was what could only be described as cruelly beautiful. As he tilted backwards, the image of an angel plummeting from the heavens above filled the red masked ninja's mind.

And just like that, he was gone.

Raph jolted upright in bed, sucking in a desperate breath of air. He shuddered realizing it had only been a dream. He didn't even try and remember how many times it was now that he'd had that same nightmare within the last few hours, and instead looked over at his alarm clock to check the time.

7:38

The exhausted turtle rubbed the sleep from his eyes before slipping into the gear he'd discarded onto the floor the night before. Morning training was soon, and the last thing he needed was for Splinter to have another thing to be mad about. As he slipped on his knees pads he glanced around at the pink walls of his room.

If someone had told him that something so small and insignificant would be what started everything that lead up to the night before, he would had called them insane, but now... The thought of it just made him nauseous. He vaguely wondered what Alex's favorite color was.

Correction.

What it had been.

Raph closed his eyes and forced himself to take in a deep breath. It was way too early in the morning to be having an emotional break down. He could do this. He just needed to take it one step at a time.

Standing up from where he was perched on the edge of his bed, he saw a crumpled paper that had been folded several times till it was nothing but a small square laying on the floor near his bed. It was the note that Alex had left. He snatched it up and shoved it under his pillow, not ready to face whatever was on the paper. He would eventually, but not yet. It still hurt too much to even think about the young teen.

It hurt too much to try and imagine what life he'd had before last night. He'd said he had a little sister, right? How old was she? What was she going to do when she woke up to find that her big brother was gone? Would her parents tell her how her brother died? Was she even old enough to truly understand what had happened?

Raph swallowed thickly, a sharp, grinding pain filling his chest. Maybe she was still sleeping, drifting through a happy dream, peacefully unaware of the horrors that awaited her upon her wake. He hope she was, and he hoped she stayed that way, at least, for as long as she could.

Mentally shaking himself, Raph took in another deep breath, preparing for the day ahead.

One step at a time, he told himself.

As he left his brightly colored room and walked through the lair, Raph could hear the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Mikey stop, please!" Leo laughed. Whatever it was the youngest was doing, the leader didn't seem to actually mind, considering his joyful tone.

Raph walked into what looked like a mini war zone. Batter splattered the entirety of the kitchen, along with looked like the remains of what the red clad ninja could only assume was blueberries. Leo and Donnie were ducking behind the kitchen table in attempt to escape the onslaught of batter being thrown their way by Mikey. So, instead of them being covered by pancake batter, Raph was hit in their place.

A sudden quietness filled the room, their laughter dying out immediately as they all realized what just happened. They all turned towards him, staring in shock, waiting for his inevitable blow up.

"R-raph!" Mikey stuttered, fear filling his eyes baby blue eyes. Boy was he in trouble now. If last night hadn't been the final straw, this was sure to be.

Raph flinched, remembering the way he had looked at him the night before in Donnie's lab. Like he was a monster, and not his older brother. The one who was supposed to protect him and keep him safe. Looks like he couldn't keep anyone safe.

"I, I didn't see you there! I'm so, so, so-"

"Mikey." Raph interrupted quietly, making him stop speaking with an audible closing of his mouth. Normally the hot head would have yelled at his youngest brother, but he just didn't have it in him. "S'fine." He mumbled. "Accidents happen."

With a swipe of his thumb, he wiped the creamy yellow colored mixture from his cheek. He stared at it momentarily, rubbing it in-between his fingers realizing how sticky it was. It was going to be hell to clean up from all over the kitchen...

Not looking at any of his siblings, he walked towards to the sink and rinsed his hand off. The only noise that rang through the room was the sound of the running faucet and Mikey's feet as he shifted uncomfortably.

He turned around at the sound of someone clearing their throat, not all too surprised to be greeted by the sight of his father. He always seemed to show up at moments like this. Then again, maybe he been drawn in by the loud laughter and shouts coming the kitchen. Either way, he was here and he didn't seem so pleased.

"Would someone like to explain why my kitchen looks like a ballerina danced around with a bowl of batter none too gracefully?" He raised one eye brow, slowly looking around at his silent sons before landing on the one that had consumed his thought ever since he and stormed out of the lair.

Raphael, his second oldest.

He looked his son over, an aura coming off of him that he couldn't identify as he turned the running water in the sink off. Underneath his red mask, and what looked like a batter of some sort, he could tell there was dark circles under his eyes. Unlike last night, he was much calmer, but something in his eyes sent shiver down the older rat's spine. A haunted look that was most likely connected to the dark, unsettling aura that was coming off of him.

Now, to answer his previous question, all of his children but one, stared talking all at once like they always seemed to when he asked for an explanation.

"Well, I decided to make a totally awesome breakfast, when Leo started nagging like an old hag about my choice of ingredients-" Michelangelo.

"I woke up to see what Mikey was doing in the kitchen, because one he never gets up this early and two, wait- old hag!? Who are you calling!-" Leonardo.

"I woke up at seven thirty, per my usual routine, when next thing I know Mikey comes bursting into the kitchen disrupting the peaceful atmosphere by trying to cook a rather unhealthy, and completely nauseating, breakfast of jellybeans and pepperoni pancakes-" Donatello

"Jellybean-pepperoni-pancakes is not nauseating, and it totally would have been fine if Leo hadn't gone and thrown blueberries in. Which obviously would have gone terrible with jellybeans and pepperoni-" Michelangelo again.

"Wait? I was the one making bad food combinations?! Please tell me how pancakes, jellybeans, and pepperoni should ever go together?" Leonardo again as well.

"Enough!" Splinter had to raise his voice over the shouting teens to be heard, aware that one of his sons had stayed unusually quiet.

Silence once again reigned over the room, Splinter's firm gaze keeping it there.

"I want this kitchen fixed before morning practice, you will all then make sure you are properly cleaned."

"But Sensei." Mikey whined. "I already have to shower after morning training, if I take one right now, that's like, two showers in one day!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before you tried to paint everyone in batter." Splinter mused, having trouble with keeping a smile off his face. It was times like these that reminded Splinter of when his sons were all small boys, fighting to avoid even one shower, and just like in the past, Mikey had that adorable pout pinned to his face as a last resort.

And also like the past, it wasn't going to work.

"Leonardo, you are in charge of clean up and shall make sure everyone does their fair share."

"Hai, Sensei..." Leo looked down, trying to avoid his father's gaze. He was the oldest, he should have just let Mikey make his strange pancakes. It would have avoided this whole mess and Raph would have never gotten hit with pancake mix. How was Raph taking it?

Curious, Leo glanced in his brother's direction, who despite not making any of the mess, was heading towards where they kept the mop. His movement were slow, his face void of any real emotion. Suddenly, Raph's apology flooded back into his mind, the conversation he had with his other two siblings following suit.

"He said what?" Donnie hissed, trying to keep his voice down so Raph couldn't hear from the other side of his bedroom door.

"I know right?" Mikey glanced nervously at the bedroom door, light still flooding out from underneath it. "It's so not Raph."

"It definitely wasn't what I was expecting..." Leo took a look of his own at his younger brother's door, fighting the urge to throw it open and find out what was going on. Raph had been the maddest Leo had seen in quite some time. He was just glad that Splinter had gotten there before anyone could get really hurt. (His back still hurt, but he could handle it. He'd been hit by worse in the past.)

"You don't think he's sick, do you?" Mikey asked, his eyes fliting back and forth between his older siblings.

"No, not likely." Donnie reassured. "He's been in perfect health recently, and he didn't show any signs of infection or sickness before he left."

The freckled ninja suddenly gasped, "You don't think he's being mind-controlled or something do you?!"

"No, again." Don sighed, resisting the urge to rub his sleepy face. It was way too late, or in this case early, to be dealing with this. "How about we just wait till morning to find out what's going on? We all need our rest and I somehow doubt Raph wants to be bothered, not matter how sorry he said he was."

Leo frowned, not wanting to leave his younger brother's door just yet. The urge to be a big brother and fix whatever was wrong with Raph was still poking at him, but...

Maybe Donnie was right. Raph had probably realized what he had done wrong while he was out and was just tired after staying out so long. He'd be fine in the morning.

But he wasn't. He didn't even seem like Raph anymore, completely brushing off Mikey hitting him in the face with batter, moving to the sink instead to wash what he could off. It was like he had been replaced with a calmer, more docile version of himself, and as much as Leo had always pressed his brother to be like this, he didn't like it. It wasn't Raph. It was just wrong.

Raph continued to where he knew they kept the mop, hoping to busy himself with cleaning, but it seemed his Sensei wasn't having it.

"Raphael, clean yourself up then meet me in the dojo."

Raph froze, barely stopping himself from cringing, or was it cowering? He couldn't tell. He didn't turn to look at his teacher as he answered. "Hai, Sensei."

He didn't need to look at his father to feel his gaze linger on him before the sounds of footsteps heading away reached his ears. Nor did he need to look at his brothers to know they were staring at him as well.

He squared his shoulders, ignoring the sets of eyes watching him as he left the room. No one said anything to him, and he was glad they didn't. The impending doom of facing his father after everything he had done (and tried to do) last night, he wasn't really feeling up to having a conversation with anyone.

So, he simply pushed past his siblings and went to his brightly colored room in search of one of his spare masks. After finding one, he assessed the state of himself. It seemed Mikey had managed to miss his leather gear, so he didn't need to change any of it, but he did need a quick scrub down to get rid of the already drying food on him.

Raph grabbed one of the spare rags folded up and laying near his cans of spray paint and headed for the bathroom. He took his time getting there and even more of his time pulling off his gear so he could scrub himself down with the rag and the running water in the sink.

He dipped the cloth under the warm water and set to cleaning his front. His earlier thoughts on how sticky the mixture was and how hard it would be to clean turned out to be quite true, but he did eventually mange to get it all off, leaving only his face to clean.

He untied his mask and gazed into his reflection bouncing off the surface of the mirror. He looked terrible, and it wasn't because of the dried food on his face. His skin looked pale, accented by dark purple rings under his eyes that were no longer hidden with his mask off. He looked like he hadn't slept at all. His eyes themselves seemed dull, the usually piercing green they were known for gone, leaving behind a dull murky color that didn't even seem to pass for green.

He swallowed, his doppelganger copying him. His hands clenched the edge of the sink tightly, his arms trembling slightly. He looked away, a tightness pooling into his throat. How was he supposed to face his father if he couldn't even face himself?

The guilt he had lacked back when his family finally stopped him from attacking his brother, now attacked him ten-fold. He choked back a tearless sob, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth.

What had he done?

He didn't care about his room anymore, he had planned to hurt his brother over a stupid prank. That right, he was going to hurt his baby brother God only knows how bad over some joke. What was wrong with him? Not only that, but he let some kid kill himself.

The world around him began to spin, nausea building in his tightening throat. He made a dash for the toilet, but it wasn't needed. He hadn't eaten in quite some time, yesterday around lunch actually. He simply dry heaved, his stomach crying out in pain. He coughed violently into the porcelain bowl. His fingers dug into his thighs as he gripped them harshly, his knees quivering against the cold floor.

And even after all that, he still didn't cry.

He just stood up, shaking like a leaf in the wind. His father was waiting for him, and was probably wondering where he was. So, he walked over to the sink, finished cleaning himself, put on his gear, and tied his mask on. Even with the fabric now tied firmly to his face, he didn't look much better, especially after all of that.

He sucked in a deep lungful of air and stepped out of the bathroom. He was Raph, the tough one of the team. The guy that looked fear in the face and ate it as a pizza topping. He had gotten in trouble for worse before. He would take the lecture of disappointment his teacher would no doubt give him.

He deserved it after everything he had done, he deserved every word and more.

He pushed his emotions to the back of his mind as he walked into the dojo. He closed the sliding door behind him and made his way over to where his father was standing, his back turned to him.

"Take a seat my son."

Raph did as he was told while his teacher mulled over how to approach him.

After his son had gotten back last night, all he could feel was relief. If he had stayed out any longer, he would have sent the rest of his sons after him. He had called April about an hour after Raph had left despite the late hour. She informed him that, no Raph wasn't with her, and that if he needed she was more than prepared to help look for him.

Master Splinter told her that wouldn't be necessary and left her to her sleep. That was when his nerves only got worse. Young Jones was out of town with his father and younger sister and that meant his angered son was alone without a way to contact them, having left his T-phone back at the lair.

Scenario after scenario filled the wise rat's mind of what could be happening to his child, but finally the torment ended once he came home safe and sound, or at least he had thought. His oldest was the first to fill him in on the conversation he, Michelangelo, and Raphael had once the red clad ninja was back.

At first, this had seemed like a good thing, but in truth, it was worrying. It was strange and out of character for the temperamental turtle. It had been even worse in morning, he looked like he was barely functioning. What happened while he was out last night? Did he truly just feel that terrible about attacking his siblings?

Keeping his back turned, Splinter spoke carefully to his son. "Raphael, have you thought about what you have done?"

"Yes sensei..." The pain in his voice was evident.

"I see... And what conclusion did you come to?"

Raph closed his eyes tightly, trying to lock away the surging emotion in him. He was horrible. He was a failure. He was a monster.

"What I did was-" He swallowed barely keeping his voice from breaking. He spoke quieter now. "What I did was wrong. I feel horrible about it Sensei. I'm ready to take whatever punishment you give me."

It seemed that it was guilt that plagued his son, but why was it this bad? It was imperative he found out.

"Tell me, what is that you feel so horrible about?"

Was Raph's Sensei really going to make him say it? It was already had enough to speak as it was, he wasn't sure he could continue if that was what his father wanted. No, he had to. He had already decided he would take any punishment his father gave him, and if this was one of them, so be it.

Then again, that was easier said than done.

"I... I'm sorry for attacking my brothers over... over something as stupid as a prank...For running off last night...for-" His breath hitched, Alex's smile filling his mind, making his heart and lungs feel like someone had tided chains around them, tightening them with every inhale and exhale.

Splinter turned slowly, his own heart clenching at the sight that greeted him.

The young ninja that was always so strong, looked broken beyond compare. His eyes screwed shut, shoulders shaking like a small child after a nightmare.

"For what my child?" Splinter walked towards the shaking teen and sat down next to him.

Panic flooded Raph for a brief moment, his eyes snapping open to see his father kneeling by him. He couldn't let him know about what he did last night, what he failed to do. He would never look at him same, and he couldn't face that. Not now, not when his carefully crafted walls that usually kept him from breaking down in front of his family kept threatening to shatter.

He stuttered out an answer he hoped would please his father. "F-for being a bad brother. I... I hurt Leo, I was gonna hurt Mikey and Don too. I'm sorry..."

For what? He asked himself. For being too afraid to tell his master what happened? For letting Alex die? For not just being a terrible brother, but a terrible hero as well?

Splinter sighed and pulled his son close, wrapping him in a warm embrace. The second oldest melted into the touch, wrapping his arms around his father softly, his body still shaking. The ninjutsu master just hugged him tighter, reminding him when the boy was small enough to fit in his lap and curl up there.

"I see you have learned your lesson." Splinter rubbed soothing circles on the youngers back till he stopped shaking. "At this point I do not think that a punishment will be necessary. It will only prolong us from moving on from the experience."

Raph frowned into his father's chest with a confused look. No punishment? It didn't make sense to his brain, he deserved one. After attacking his brothers and running off last night, he should have been grounded for a month. Well, a week at the least.

But no punishment?

It seemed wrong. Not as wrong as what he had done, but still wrong.

Splinter hummed with an amused tone, sensing his son's confusion. "The point of punishing you is to make sure you have learned your lesson, and I believe you have."

Raph's guilt only seemed to worsen. Here he was hugging his dad, safe and warm in his embrace, while Alex's parents were probably mourning their child he failed to save. Alex would never get to hug his parents again, all because he couldn't save him.

"Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Can... Can I ask you a really strange question?"

Splinter frowned but nodded, "I do not see why not."

"What was it like... Losing Miwa..."

Raph could feel his father tense against him, making him panic and start talking in a rush. "I mean! I know, that she turned out to be fine and all, b-but I was just- I was wondering what it was like to lose- I'm sorry, Sensei. You don't have to answer." Raph pulled away quickly, not meeting his father's surprised gaze.

Splinter blinked, still a bit shook up by the question, wondering what had made him ask such a thing.

"It... It is fine Raphael, I am not upset. I will answer your question if you can answer one of my own."

Raph swallowed before looking up slowly. "Alright, shoot."

"What brought on such a question?" The concern in Splinter's voice was so apparent that it nearly made Raph flinch for the hundredth time that morning.

Why had he asked that? Maybe it was because he was curious about what Alex's Family was feeling. Maybe because he wanted to understand what he had just done to them. Maybe because he was feeling extremely masochistic after what happened and now he was searching for another thing to pin his list of wrong doings in the last twenty-four hours.

"I was wondering what would happen if... If I lost one of my brothers..." He lied smoother than he would have liked. Lying to his father never felt great, especially now, but it didn't matter.

Splinter answered him all the same, his words hushed like a secret. The anguish in his voice, no matter how hidden, like a knife to Raph's heart. "It was the hardest day of my life."

Raph swallowed, his eyes locked firmly of the rug beneath them, his fingers tracing the intricate design of the woven fabric.

Splinter carefully gauged his son's reaction, wondering if he was finally getting to the root of his student's problem.

"You are aware that you would have never hurt you brother to that extent, yes?" The words that left the ninjutsu master's lips were just as hushed as his last ones.

Raph nodded numbly, his face blank as he stared into the rug, as if looking for something that he knew wasn't there, but he didn't care because that was the only thing that would ground him for the moment.

Raph must have thought he almost severely hurt his siblings, what else could be causing this?

"Raphael, I know you lost control of your temper last night, but even if I hadn't managed to step in when I did, you would never do anything to hurt your brothers to the point that could possible get them killed."

Again, he nodded. It seemed he wasn't up for talking anymore, his mind so far away from the conversation that his teacher wasn't sure he had heard him.

He just needed time, Splinter told himself. That in a few days he would be fine. It was times like these that as a parent, he felt lost. No matter what his sons (His oldest especially) thought, he didn't have all the answers. No parent did. Sometimes it felt like he was grasping at straws if he was honest

"Why don't you tell your brothers that I have canceled training for the day." Splinter decided after a moment.

Raph looked up with the most confused look he'd ever given. He thought Splinter was going to punish him, not give him the day off.

"We all had a long day yesterday. We could do with some rest." With that the older mutant stood up and walked to his room with silent footsteps. "Though I do ask that no one leaves the confines of the lair for now." Splinter wasn't sure his heart could handle another one of his children going missing for a long period any time soon.

"Hai Sensei." Was the only respond the rat got that let him know his son had heard him.

Raph sat on the dojo floor long after his father had left, his mind spinning endlessly.

He couldn't believe his father was letting him off the hook after everything he'd done. He wouldn't have if he knew about Alex, Raph thought bitterly, his hands clenching by his side.

Raph stood up slowly, his tired limbs threatening to give out on him. Once he was standing upright, he left the sanctuary of dojo and left to go inform his teammates that they had the day off and that they weren't to leave the lair. At least, that had been the plan until the sound of the T.V. had reached him.

"The authorities are still investigating the death of Alexander Veld, and at the time can't disclose any details about the case-"

Hey guys! It took awhile to get this up but I'm generally pleased with how it turn out. I've already started on the next chapter (Though I'm not too sure when I'll be done with it...)Happy Halloween! Please review!

I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.

Thank-you!