Mikey frowned, listening to the news reporter with a saddened heart. No matter how much good he and his brothers did for people, they could never save them all. Despite the fact that Mikey knew that, it didn't change that it still hurt.

"The authorities are still investigating the death of Alexander Veld, and at the time can't disclose any details about the case. If you have any information that could help the police with the investigation, please call the number on the screen. "

The young prankster cringed, his stomach tying in a knot. It was terrible what happened. The young teen was found dead last night after falling from a sixteen-story building. No one was saying it, but all signs pointed to suicide. Mikey wished he couldn't imagine what had brought the kid to that point, but all you needed to do was watch the news for the last week to understand.

"Veld industries will be holding a memorial service that will be open to the public, for all who wish to attend-"

A voice from behind him interrupted the one on the television. "Turn it off."

Mikey froze, confused for a split second, before turning to face the owner of the voice that had just spoken. It was Raph. It looked like he was done with Master Splinter.

The orange prankster frowned at his older sibling, curious about what was wrong. He took a quick second to give the other a look over.

Raph looked like he'd seen a ghost, or could have passed as one himself. His skin was paler than Mikey had seen in a while, and he wasn't looking at Mikey. His focus was spent on the lady talking on the screen. The freckled turtle began to wonder what had conspired between his father and older brother.

"Hey bro? You feelin' well?" Mikey asked hesitantly. "You don't look so good. Maybe you should let Dee take a look at ya." The freckled ninja didn't get a response, but instead was only greeted with the sound of the T.V., the News anchor continuing the current story. Raph's gaze continued to stay locked onto the screen, a dark look in his eyes.

"Arthur Veld has come forward with the news that he will now be the new owner of Veld-"

"I said turn it off!" Raph growled, his voice booming through the large room.

Mikey went as a still as a statue, his look mimicking one similar to a deer caught in a set of headlights.

"-and that there is a reward for anyone who steps forward with any helpful information about his nephew's death."

OhshellOhshellOhshell-

That lady really needed to shut up, before and not after Raph started breaking things (Like say, the television), or Raph's stomach tried throwing up despite its empty state. Every word from her mouth was like a sharp stab to the red ninja's chest. He ignored Mikey and quickly walked over to him, bending down to snatch the remote from where it was sitting next to him.

"He also thanked everyone on social media for the sweet words for him and his family-"

With a quick click of the green power button on the remote, the T.V. went dead, leaving the room silent.

Raph swallowed, his heart beginning to pound at unnatural speeds. His hand felt clammy as clutched the remote so tight that it threatened to break.

Mikey looked up at him with worries blue orbs. He spoke quietly, trying not to startle his older brother who seemed to have forgotten he was there as he stared at the, now blank, television. He looked... off.

Raph felt terrified. His heart threatened to burst as Alex's words from last night replayed in his mind.

"No one would care if I died."

Alex couldn't have been farther from truth, because at least one person cared, and right now it was all he could think about.

"Raph?"

"…"

"Bro, you alright?"

"…"

"Do you want me to get Donnie?"

That got a response. "No! I- I'm fine." Raph choked. He dropped the remote on the couch as if it was on fire and left in a rush before his brother could ask him anymore questions.

Once gone, Mikey stared down at the remote that was once again lying next to him.

What in the delicious name of pizza, was that about?

The freckled turtle stood up and made his way to the kitchen where Leo was rinsing out a rag in the sink. No Donnie in sight. He must have gone to take a shower. Unlike Leo who had dodge the onslaught of a batter thrown his way, Donatello had not been as lucky.

The blue leader looked up at the sound of footsteps. "Oh, hey." He greeted, a warm smile flowering onto his lips. "Just finished. I think the mop is going to be slightly purple for a while, but there's nothing I can do about it. Trust me, I tried." Why did blueberries have to stain everything? It was a miracle they got it off the walls. Leo paused, noting the contemplative look on his youngest sibling's face.

That couldn't be good. A thinking Mikey normally meant a crazy idea that usually involved some strange food or some sort of prank, and after last night and this morning, they could all do without both of those things.

"What's up?" Leo inquired, hoping it was something he could handle.

"Do you think Raph could be sick?"

Leo frowned, so he wasn't the only one who noticed Raph's odd behavior.

"I mean," Mikey said, continuing. "I know Dee is usually right about that kinda stuff, but like. Could he be wrong, just this once?"

"Donnie's not usually wrong..." Leo turned back to the sink to finish rinsing out the rag in his hand. "What happened?"

"It's just that." Mikey sat down in one the kitchen chairs. "It's what didn't happen. I was watching T.V., because I already took a shower and you told me you were going to clean up the rest of my ruined batter, which might I just say, would have been amazing if you hadn't messed it up with those blueberries-"

"Focus Mikey."

"Any way. Like I said, I was watching T.V. when next thing I know, Raph comes barging into the room and demands I turn it off."

The resident hot head demanding something of Mikey? That wasn't too out of the ordinary, and it would explain the yell he heard a moments ago.

"Alright, what happened next?" Leonardo rung the rag out and hung it out on the edge of the sink before turning to lean against the counter and face where Mikey was sitting.

"Well, I guess I didn't move fast enough for him. He suddenly rushed over to me, stole the remote, and then turned the T.V. off. He looked kinda off, ya know, sick. Like he'd eaten your cooking."

The older of the two promptly pouted. "My cooking isn't that bad."

"Ya it is man. As I said, he looked sick. So, I being the wonderful bro I am, asked him if he was feelin' alright and if he wanted me to go get Dee for him. He totally freaked and suddenly told me he was alright, but there's no way he was telling the truth. I'd bet half my comics on it man."

"And where's he now?" Leo asked, his worry beginning to increase. He really hoped Raph didn't run off again.

"His room I think."

That was a relief.

"Who's in their room?" Donnie asked with a curious tone as he walked into the room, a damp towel hanging loosely around his neck.

"Don!" Mikey shot up onto his feet, a screech cutting through the air as his chair scraped across the ground. "You gotta check Raph out. I think he's sick." The freckled turtle inhaled sharply in with a gasp before either of his team mates could respond. "What if it kills him or leaves him in bed for months." The freckled ninja looked all kinds of terrified. "Dee, you gotta help him."

Startled, Donnie held his hand up in a 'hold on' motion. "No one's dying anytime soon, not if I can help it, and what's wrong with Raph?"

"Mikey thinks he's sick, and-" Leo gave the youngest of them a pointed look. "-for once, it's not without reason. He has been off ever since he came home last night."

Donnie concentrated, a list of things that could have been ailing the temper driven ninja began running through his head. "What did he do now?"

"That's the thing, he didn't do anything." Mikey fidgeted with worry of his own. "When I hit him this morning he was completely fine about it! No freak out, you saw him. He didn't even scold me Dee, and then again later. He got all mad with me but didn't do anything about it, not really, and you should have seen him. He looked really pale, and I think he was close to puking."

"Vomiting?" Donnie gave a disbelieving look.

"You saw how he acted this morning." Mikey spoke quietly, his concern beginning to show on his face, making Donnie's own features soften a bit. Sure, Mikey fought with the hot head a lot, but when it came down to it he really did care for him. "Something's wrong."

Leo sighed. He was worried about Raph too, but if he was going to be honest with himself, he was more worried about being late to training. Hopefully no one would need to step in and whatever was wrong with the Raph would fix itself all on its own. Besides, Raph usually preferred to work thinks out on his own if he could.

"How about we wait till after morning practice to deal with whatever is wrong with Raph. If he's still acting strange then, then we can talk to him about it, deal?"

His younger siblings looked at him warily, obviously not so sure that was a good idea.

"Guys, I'm sure he just needs some time." Leo tried.

They hesitantly agreed. Raph would be fine, right?

He couldn't breathe.

Shell.

He couldn't breathe.

Both of his hands flew to his throat. No matter how much air passed through it, none it seemed to reach his lunges. Raph desperately tried to remember the breathing exercises his sensei had taught him, but they were slipping his mind.

He collapsed onto his knees in a quaking mess. Darkness slowly began to swallow up his vision. He needed to breathe. God, why couldn't he breathe?

The shadows from his nightmares were back, crowding his line of vision, reaching for him with cold dark hands. He could feel invisible chains sliding over his limbs, keeping him frozen in place.

They wormed their way over his chest, and wrapped around his heart, tightening it with every inhale. Images of the night before filled his sight, not mattering if his eyes laid open or closed.

He realized he was having a panic attack.

Raph screwed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate.

It was no use. The only thing he could see was Alex's body falling backwards, his cold smile pinned to his lips.

Veld, he realized.

Alexander Veld was the name of the boy he watched die. The boy he failed to save.

Yes, he'd been curious about who he was, but now? The name felt like poison seeping through him, infecting his mind. He would have done anything to forget his name. To forget his face. To banish that kind smile from his mind.

At that moment Raph would have given anything to make it so yesterday never happened, but he knew that escaping his sins would never be that easy.

Suddenly the demons in his head reared back, losing their hold for just a precious moment. Raph didn't have time to wonder why the chains over his body had loosened, less they try and reclaim him. So, he poured every ounce of willpower he had into getting himself to finally breathe.

As his breathing slowed he soon realized what had snapped him out of it. It was knock on his door, and it sounded again.

"Raph? You in there?" It was Leo.

Great, just what Raph needed in the middle of a mental break down. Mr. Fearless leader bothering him.

"Go away." He tried, cringing at how he sounded. He had tried to sound mean, snappish. In reality, he sounded like he'd had the flu for the last week.

"Dude, you alright?" Oh, this was just wonderful. Mikey too? He thought thick with sarcasm.

"…"

"Please, Raph. Open the door." Seriously? Donnie as well? Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

His heart twisted painfully at the sound of their voices. He wanted to run over to them and throw the door open. To let them tell him that everything was OK, but Alex's face resurfaced in his memory. He jerked away from his door and instead shoved the back of his shell against his bed with an audible thump.

Alex would never get that reassurance again, so why should he? After all, it was his fault he was dead.

Hey guys! I was going to make this chapter quite a bit longer, but if I continued on like I was I'm not sure when I would have been able to find a good stopping point. I'm not really quite satisfied with this chapter, but it has been long enough since my last update. I aplogize for how short this chapter is. Oh well, I hope you're all enjoying the holidays! Please review!

I'm a disclaimer of TMNT but I own Alex and the idea behind him.

Thank-you!