CHAPTER 6

Can't fight this feeling

…

SUMMARY: Although it is obvious that something has changed during this wonderful evening with Andrew, Meredith is scared to ask herself what she really feels for him because it is safer to keep telling herself that it is just a crush. But, can she really fight this feeling simply by ignoring it, by refusing to name it?

Can't fight this feeling, by Alina Eremia

…

Andrew's side of the bed was empty when she woke up the next morning. It was not the first time. He always slipped out of her room very early in the morning so as not to be seen by the kids. Meredith was a light sleeper like most of moms and she often woke up at the same time as he did — and when it happened, leaving was no longer an option.

He had been gentle and thoughtful enough to leave her a sweet note in Italian, both tender and naughty, containing veiled references to their night of love that made her melt deliciously as she read it. Of course, this little note was only a pale consolation that couldn't really make her forget the warmth of his body that she was missing so much.

She hated seeing his side of the bed empty. This morning, more than any other day, it just seemed wrong that he was not there. She felt incomplete. She wanted to wake up in his arms after their perfect and sublime evening, worthy of Pretty Woman. Unfortunately, he had to work today.

She soon got up to take a shower. She thought back to their blissful lovemaking last night as she soaped herself and the water fell on her body that recalled every inch of his. She could still feel the sensations of Andrew's caresses on her skin and tremors ran along her nerves.

Scarcely had she got out of the shower when her phone started ringing. It was Cristina. She had talked to her yesterday morning and had told her that she was going on a date with Andrew. She was not surprised that Cristina was already calling her to find out how it had gone.

Meredith told her everything about the evening: not only the performance that wowed the audience and the exotic Italian meal that was so very scrumptious, but also the awkward — and yet so funny — moments when Richard and Chef Panelli had caught them. Cristina did not fail to make fun of her about being caught with a resident.

"He must be the best lay in the world, your stallion!"

"You can say that again! He's the best lay of my life!"

"I'll take your word for it. I remember when I had been sleeping with Shaun. He was like a student who wanted to impress his teacher to get a good grade. He was always very… conscientious and he liked to go down to the basement."

"Cristina!" she scolded her. "This is not how I feel with Andrew. He makes me feel unique. He's genuine, authentic and spontaneous."

"Humm!"

"Albeit… I must admit that I'm impressed every time and that I give him a 10 out of 10 for his mind-blowing performance!

The two friends burst out laughing. But Meredith's laughter started to fade away after a while and Cristina sensed that something was off. She asked her:

"What's going on, Mer? You know you can't get anything past me. Looks like there's a but."

"Yeah, you're right! There's a but. Everything is going too fast!" se sighed. "Everything is going way too fast, Cristina! I told him last night that I was going to tell the kids about us. At the time, I was sure that that was what I wanted, but now my fears are resurfacing."

"Mer, if you had told me that you weren't scared, I would have asked you what you did to the Meredith Grey I know. That just tells me one thing: you care about him and whatever that thing between the two of you is, that's more serious than a crush."

Of course, she was scared to acknowledge such a thing, because it would be a giant step in their relationship, even more so than going public with it. It meant that she was making more room for Andrew in her life and in her children's lives. It meant that she was ready to have a serious relationship with him. They had even talk about their future last night. They had only talked about their careers, to be sure, but between the lines, you could read that they were willing to invest themselves and be there for each other when needed.

"But is he really over Sam? I dare not ask him such a question but… I can't stop thinking about it."

"In any case, Sam has surely already forgotten about him. She's been on dates with someone lately. I'm not close enough to her to know the details, but I've overheard them talking on the phone and I can tell you that they're not just holding hands or snogging."

"Cristina, I don't want to be told that Sam has someone else in her life. What I'd like to know is if Andrew has come to terms with the fact that she's not part of his life anymore, that's all."

"Listen, I don't know your Italian stallion but from what Alex told me when I spoke to him on his wedding day, the guy seems to be crazy about you and your kids. Alex cares about you at least as much as I do; he would have talked you out of dating him if he'd thought he was going to break your poor little heart, Mer. And I think the same goes for Maggie and Amelia, who wouldn't have played matchmakers if it wasn't the case. But all that aside, I only need to listen to the smile in your voice when you talk about him to tell myself that he might be the one."

"Yes, but how can I be sure?"

"Just listen to your gut, Mer, because only your gut can tell you if he's worth the risk, if he's worth fighting for... if only for his hair and his abs! And it doesn't matter if he's only a resident!"

Once again, Cristina managed to make her laugh and they continued chatting for twenty minutes or so, before her three little demons burst into the room and snatched the phone from her hand to talk to Aunt Cristina.

…

Meredith spent a quiet Saturday with the kids, playing their favorite games, drawing and watching TV. They went out for lunch and she took the opportunity to go to the supermarket to pick up a few things. Andrew often went grocery shopping and he seemed to want to break the bank in feeding them all. But when Meredith pointed this out to him, he would say that that was unlikely to happen because of the ridiculously low rent he was paying her.

Among her groceries, there was a large tub of ice cream. She wanted to tell the kids about her relationship with Andrew and for some reason, she thought that the ice cream might somehow help her broach the topic. She had promised them that they could have some after dinner. She was still a little nervous though, despite her conversation with Cristina earlier in the morning.

She spent a good deal of time thinking about what she should tell them, not about Andrew — she knew that the kids loved him as Drew — but about her relationship with him and what she felt for him. She wondered what words to use for telling your children that you were seeing someone, especially when it was the first person you introduced them to? How to explain to them what it meant so that they could understand, while reassuring them at the same time about the place they had and would always have in her heart?

Still, she would have to know herself what it meant. She was not sure what she really felt for him. It was so new and so surprising!

It was no secret to anyone that it terrified her to allow herself to feel things again after Derek. She had even opened up to Carina about that yesterday when they went shopping together and she didn't regret it. But beyond this fear, the reason it had taken her so long was that, before Andrew, she had not met anyone who could make her feel that way again.

There was Thorpe, but that did not really count; it was too brief. There was also Nathan, but all they had in common was that they both had been grieving the loss of the person they had loved, and that they had been able to support each other in this process.

Then Andrew had come into her life. Out of nowhere, he magically landed up on her couch. And it was as if she had seen him for the first time after working with him for almost 4 years at the hospital. She didn't know what really happened that day. One moment she was watching him sleep, like the sleeping prince in the woods, and the next moment all she wanted was to awaken him with a kiss… and she was lost.

He had also grown on the kids in no time. They liked their Uncle Alex a lot, but Andrew… they just loved him! They hadn't known their father apart from Zola, who must have had a vague memory of him. Andrew was not "Uncle Andrew" but simply "Drew". And Drew was something else… something they hadn't known before or something they just wanted to remember, and definitely something they needed in their lives no matter how great she was as a mom — like so many other single moms she knew and whose children lacked for nothing.

The kids didn't stop asking when Andrew would be back home. He had had a late surgery with Owen, and he had sent her a text saying not to wait up for him. The children were quite disappointed. Luckily, they hadn't had to force themselves to eat their mom's cooking! Indeed, not only had she ordered some pizza, but there was also plenty of leftovers in the refrigerator to warm up — so, she hadn't had to cook.

They had just starting dinner when they heard someone at the door. Bailey and Ellis rushed in the foyer, squealing with delight:

"Drew! Drew's home!"

But it was only Maggie. She said to them:

"Oh! We're not happy to see Auntie Maggie, I see!"

Of course, the children's disappointment was short-lived as they were also glad to see their aunt whom they had hardly seen lately. Her presence at home on a Saturday night was quite unusual considering that she had been spending almost every weekend at Jackson's.

Meredith, on the other hand, failed to appear as enthusiastic as her children when Maggie joined them for dinner because her mind was occupied by a handsome Italian. Her sister noticed that she kept looking at the window, the door or the clock. After dinner, while the children were feasting on their ice cream, she said to her:

"He'll be here soon, Mer, don't worry."

Meredith thanked her with a faint smile. Her sister knew her so well! She couldn't deny that she was worried even if it was against all logic. She couldn't stand the waiting when Andrew came home late. It reminded her of that awful day waiting for Derek.

Maggie's voice dragged her out of her thoughts.

"You are in love with him."

It was not a question.

Meredith opened her mouth to protest but met Maggie's gaze that dared her to pretend otherwise. She couldn't fight this feeling anymore and yet she was still afraid to let it flow. She looked away because she knew what her sister was thinking right now. She had told her that many times, just like Alex, Cristina, Amelia, and even Carina yesterday. She could almost hear them telling her that her fate was in her hands, that she could either forge an unhappy destiny for herself by always keeping love at bay for fear of suffering, or she could decide to be stronger than the fear of seeing history repeat itself and fight for love.

This thought that she had been trying to suppress all day since her conversation with Cristina was so obvious to her now. Her mind was not in a muddle anymore and she would be lying to herself if she said that she had not seen that coming.

From that day when she had really looked at him for the first time, she knew he was different. He was unlike any other man she had known before him. Who would have thought that they were destined for each other, he the sexy resident and she the attending ten years his senior who is also a widow with three children?

Yet, deep in her heart, she always knew it was him and no one else. She did not know where this absolute certainty came from. So, the saying, "When you know, you just know." was true. Andrew made her feel tingly all over, he made her feel alive. He had brought laughter, passion and love back into her life, despite all the walls she had built around her heart.

And yes, she finally admitted it to herself: she was in love with Andrew Deluca.

Maggie saw her face light up at the very moment she was struck by the truth about the depth of her feelings for Andrew.

"Oh my God, Maggie, I'm in love with him!" she exclaimed as if it were the craziest thing in the world.

There was a spark in her eyes that Maggie hadn't seen since Derek's death, even when she was seeing Thorpes or Riggs. She was very moved to see that Meredith was finally ready to move on — ready to love again. It was about time!

"I know," she quipped.

However, Maggie also saw the logical and legitimate question that showed through her eyes immediately afterwards.

Does he feel the same way about me?

Maggie took her hand and said:

"I'm sure he loves you too, Meredith. Even a blind person would notice that. Just… give him some time to figure it out. But in the meantime, try not to panic too much."

There, Maggie was asking too much of her.

"Do you think that being in love with Andrew is not reason enough to panic? I'm literally terrified!"

"I know. But tell yourself that he might be just as terrified as you are, if not more so. He's a good guy, Mer. You don't find this kind of man on every corner, you know. Maybe you don't realize that because you've found him on your couch!" she quipped.

And then Meredith smiled! Widely! Blissfully!

…

Meredith didn't know how but, somehow, Maggie had managed to sooth her and she was grateful to her for that. She was also grateful to her for taking care of the kids for her by putting them to bed so that she could be alone for a while with her thoughts.

Lying on the couch, after this revelation about her feelings, she went several times per minute from euphoria, imagining that Andrew reciprocated her love, to despair, thinking that maybe he didn't. Her mind was racing, and she was going crazy. She didn't know what she was more afraid of, being in love with him or the possibility that he wasn't in love with her.

Eventually, she realized that Maggie was right, that she should give him some time. After all, they had only been together for two weeks — since Alex's wedding in fact — even though the flame between them had been burning for weeks. She hadn't been this happy in a long time. Her gut had been telling her that Andrew was the one. She knew he meant it last night when he told her that she meant a lot to him, that he was happy with her and that all he wanted was to make her happy, too. Shouldn't that be enough for her for now?

From the way her heart leapt when she heard his car door shut, she knew that being with him was all that mattered. There was nothing more precious than all those little moments of happiness that they had together. She flung open the door before he could even insert his key into the lock.

"Hey! she said with a broad smile.

She stood on her tiptoes and throw her arms around his neck to kiss him while he immediately put his free hand around her waist, pleasantly surprised by her welcome.

"Wow! You look so beautiful tonight! Looks like you missed me," said Andrew.

"You have no idea how much!" she replied.

Putting his things on the entryway table, he followed Meredith into the living room. She saw his gaze run all over her body, admiring the sexy top she had put on purposely and which seemed to turn him on.

"I missed you too," he said.

Grabbing her by the waist mischievously, he slumped into the couch, bringing her down with him. Meredith found herself sitting on his lap and turned her head slightly to look at him.

"Andrew, you look tired. Why don't you go upstairs to take a shower while I warm up something for you to eat? And then…" she continued, drawing lazy patterns on his chest, "once you've recharged your batteries… I'll show you how much I've missed you all day."

And how much I love you!

"Does it have to be exactly in that order?" he said, tilting his head to the side.

Hmm… how can I resist him when he tilt his head like that!

Meredith knew he had won as soon as he pressed his insistent lips against hers. Out of habit, she immediately ran one hand through his black hair and started to kiss him back. Their kisses became greedy, ardent, urgent. She moved restlessly in his arms as he kissed his way down to her throat. She let out a moan as he palmed one of her breasts over her sexy top and stroked the nipple with his thumb. Her moaning became more intense as he kissed her on the neck over and over. Meredith could feel how his erection was getting bigger and she was going mad with anticipation. Her whole body throbbed with heady sensations. She was at his mercy and followed him obediently as he took her hand and led her into the bedroom.

Hardly had he closed the door when Meredith pressed herself against him.

"Oh cara mia … I missed you. I haven't stopped thinking about you," he murmured in a voice hoarse with desire.

With their frantic hands, they got rid of their clothes, trying to maintain contact either with their avid lips or with their bold hands. Their clothes landed all over the room. They found themselves naked in record time. Meredith tossed him onto the bed and threw herself against him. She took him in her mouth, pressing at first little kisses up and down his length, before adopting a deep, steady rhythm.

"Mer, that's so good! You're so good!"

But he did not let her continue her sweet torture and whispered in Italian:

"My turn. I want to taste you. Let me taste you, Mer."

Oh yes, I'm ready to be devoured!

Somehow, Meredith found herself lying on her back while Andrew was torturing her in turn with his expert tongue, exploring, stroking, demanding. He kissed, he sucked, he licked all her body, then he lavished attention on that swollen bud where she craved him most, savoring her as if she were the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. His tongue and his finger thrust in unison, moving deeper by gentle yet steady degrees.

Overwhelmed by sensations she didn't know how to control, Meredith thought she was dying of pleasure. And yet she wanted more.

She wanted him.

"Wait!" she cried out to him. "Come here... take me, I want you."

In a matter of seconds, Andrew was already entering her with a guttural sound. When his full length was buried inside her, he paused a moment, holding their bodies close and joined to look at her. Never before had Meredith seen such intensity in his dark, captivating eyes, and it turned her inside out.

Then he leaned in to take her lips feverishly before starting to slide back and forth, probing just a bit deeper with every thrust — each of them, a confession of just how much he desired her, how desperately he wanted her. Her body arced off the bed as she strained upward to meet his thrusts.

Muffled screams, inarticulategrunts and arousing Italian words set the pace. It was passionate, primal, raw, as much as the desire that consumed them. They tried to hold back but they were both too close to the edge. And as if they were lovers since the night of times, they knew when the time came to let go at the same moment.

"Andrea!" she gasped.

"Cara mia!" he echoed.

Together, they rode the wave of pleasure higher and higher, until they tumbled through bliss, panting, dazzled, satiated and happy.

Pressing a kiss at her temple, he held her tight over his torso for a few moments as if she were the most precious thing in the word, letting his arousal softened inside her. In all her life, Meredith had never felt so treasured and safe.

Lifting her head for a moment, she met his gaze. A bewildered, ecstatic smile, matching her own, lit up his face. And there, at that very moment, in his arms so strong and yet so tender, Meredith knew that she was done fighting her love for Andrew.

…

"Can't fight this feeling"
(Alina Eremia)

watch?v=kl5vvfmHmi0

…

I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore,

Anymore… Oh, oh, oh, oh

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

Oh anymore!