The Diego Diaries: WHAT!? (dd8 9)
=0=Ops Center Conference Room
"WHAT!"
"Don't kill the messenger."
"FRAG THAT! HOW COME I'M ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW SLAG!?"
"Actually-"
"YOU FRAGGERS! WHAT THE FRAG!? A SIMPLE CALL IS ALL IT TAKES!"
=0=After a moment of donuts and a hip flask being passed around the table …
"If I miss one more separation because you slaggers didn't tell me I'm going to kick the slag out of all of you."
"Eat more donuts," Springer said as he slid a plate closer. "I like you better when you do."
Ratchet smirked at him, then pulled the plate closer. "You don't think I can clear this plate?"
"I know ya can, slagger," Ironhide said.
Unfortunately.
"HOW THE FRAG WOULD YOU KNOW!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PRETENDING TO BE A SUB ADULT! HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BALLAST I CAN PACK?!" -Ratchet asking in a nice way
"WHAT THE FRAG ARE YOU SAYING!? I *AM* A SUB ADULT!" -Ironhide replying in a nice way.
"YOU TRIED TO GASLIGHT US!? YOUR ELDERS WHO INVENTED GASLIGHTING! *TRULY?*" Raptor who glanced at his father. "You did didn't you?"
Hardie who was smirking at his best little mech nodded. "We did. We invented everything. All hail The Immortals."
Everyone hailed, then glanced at Ironhide.
He was glowering at Ratchet until Ratchet took two donuts and pressed them against his optics. He sat back looking like he was wearing weird glasses. Pulling them off, he ate them, then grabbed for the plate.
Ratchet who was faster rose with it, then took another donut and ground it against Ironhide's face.
Prowl who was laughing got one on the top of his noggin, a bit of impertinence that earned Ratchet a tea cup off his own.
Prime who was caught in the middle took Ratchet's donut plate away, scooted back his chair, then ate one as Prowl and Ratchet engaged in a furious slap fight for a moment.
"HA! GET HIM, PROWL!" Ironhide bellowed.
Intemperately.
Ratchet grabbed a bottle of juice and poured it over Ironhide's helm.
Ironhide stepped back, crunched Kup's ped, then found himself sliding down the table on his belly. Before that happened, the humans were gathered up by the bots and had front row seats to see Ironhide flounder on his gut to the end of the table, then fall off onto his helm.
Ultra Magnus barely got out of the way before Ironhide helm planted on the floor. He stood, then gripped Ironhide's arm. Dragging him up from his awkward stuck position on the floor, he wasn't able to prevent Ironhide from taking a plate of donuts to use as ammo against Prowl and Ratchet who had stopped on each other when donuts landed with unerring accuracy on their helms.
Gasping with vengeance, then glanced around to find weapons, then began to fling cups and plates at Ironhide. He caught them, then threw them back as everyone else moved to the sidelines and began to egg everyone on.
The humans who were in the grip of the bots watched with amusement or astonishment depending on how long and well they knew them. It was a new world for many.
As fast as it started it was over.
Prime had caught two donuts, one on his plate and one he was currently eating as everyone righted things, then sat. It was a messy group and room as the bots put the humans back down on the tabletop.
:So, who won?: Brandon Clark asked with a laugh.
"I DID!" -Prowl, Ironhide and Ratchet
"No, actually, I did," Prime said as he finished off the last donut. He stared at the plate, then tossed it over his shoulder onto the floor. "Good of the order?" he asked hopefully.
=0=Half a joor later after a ROLLICKING Good of the Order …
The humans buzzed out heading for this and that place, some of them dodging half eaten donuts on the floor.
"Well, wasn't THAT edifying," Kyle Davis said in the sanctuary of their truck.
"I thought it was great," Rick Harris said with a chuckle. "Did you notice that none of them missed, not even once."
"If you say so, Rick," Kyle said with a frown.
Owen and Rick grinned at the uptight businessman as they flew onward toward the Habitat and home.
=0=At the doorway of the Communal Military Shower #5 the_fortress
Ironhide stood under the dryer as everyone else affected washed off. When he stepped off the platform he was surrounded by elders. "WHAT!?" he said as he considered a good offense is a good defense.
"You tried to fool us. That requires penalties," Hardie said as the group closed around Ironhide.
"It wasn't nice of you to fool us when we were so worried about you," Sun said with a big grin.
"Yeah, right. Worried about me," Ironhide said as he circled slowly with a wary optic. "Tell me you wouldn't prank someone if you could."
"We would," Turbine said as he cricked his neck to relieve tension. They'd all been worried but entirely delighted to have "sour sparkling' sub adult Ironhide back even for a little bit. "But you do know that you can't torture your elders without paybacks."
"What kind of paybacks?" Ironhide asked with a growing sense of foreboding.
Moments later …
They sat in the Confectionaire eating ice cream with the 'infant'. All of them had a little bit of free time so they took him to the diner they all favored and made him eat coffee flavored ice cream.
"This is an abomination. Who would choose to eat coffee flavored ice cream?" Ironhide whined once upon a time. It'd been to his detriment that 'someone' had 'casually' mentioned that he LOATHED coffee flavored ice cream. "WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT!?"
"Eat up, slagger. Next time you try to gaslight us we're going to make you drink a whole pot," Delphi said.
"I'LL NEVER DO THAT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
=0=Later that afternoon
"I thought you were hiding out from your elders?"
"I am, the slaggers. You would THINK they could TAKE A JOKE!"
"What if Orion did that? Would you find it funny?"
"NO! BUT THEN I'M IRONHIDE AND I DON'T HAVE TO!"
Ratchet grinned at the big lug. "Are you sure you aren't still a sub adult?"
Ironhide grinned back. "Give me candy and I'll tell you no lies."
They'd sit together eating candy for a while.
=0=Ops Center, Senior Officer's Wing, Prime's Office
"I have to say that was a strangely amusing interlude. I asked maintenance to allow bots to clean in there. I don't want to punish someone for Ratchet's psychopathy."
Prime laughed at Prowl. "What is on the agenda?"
"Well," Prowl said as he sat down in 'his' chair and relaxed. "We have the Wheelus trial ahead. I truly expect the Pantheon to weigh in. Do you remember the trial you conducted when you were a strapping youngling?"
"I do," Optimus said. "It was funny how much I remembered."
"Um … how much DID you remember? You know … about … things?" Prowl asked with a slight sense of unease at the thought and his comment.
Prime narrowed his optics as he stared at the big mech sitting uncomfortably in the chair across from him. "All of it."
Prowl felt the fritz for a moment. "Well … things … sort of happened."
Prime leaned slightly forward to place his elbows on the desk top. He stared at Prowl with intensity a moment, then nodded slightly. "I know."
Prowl stared at him, then the datapad in his servo, then Prime. He rose slightly, hesitated, then stood. "I have things to get. Some things for you to go over. There's the thing on Cybertron, then the other one. Megatronus has things. I'll be right back." He hurried to the door, then left.
Prime grinned, then sat back. "There is very little, Prowler, that escapes my notice. Just so you know." He chuckled, then began to work on the sundry and many 'things' on his desk.
=0=In an office nearby
Prowl paced a moment, then halted to stare at the door. "We're a bond. You were a … a little young but we were bonded. Frag. You were street legal and it sorta … what the frag am I going on about?" he mused. :Loon:
:What, Prowler?:
:Where are you and what are you doing?:
:I'm sitting here at the Confectionaire watching Ironhide eat a gallon or three of coffee flavored ice cream:
:I love coffee flavored ice cream. Does the Confectionaire have it?:
Ratchet grinned. / … you would, slagger .../ :Where else? What's up your tailpipe?:
:Ironhide was lying about being a kid. Right?:
:Through his grill. Why?:
:I'll get to the point because you're a doctor, slagger, and I'll post you to Hell and Gone if you breach doctor-patient privilege. Understood?:
Ratchet leaned back in his chair with one audial on the slagfest going on here and another on Prowler who appeared to have a kink in his oil lines. :Sure. What?:
:I'm assuming because you're a savage that you and Ironhide faced. Right?:
Ratchet stifled a giant guffaw. :Orn and night. Up and down. All over the place. You?:
Prowl digested that bit of news and wondered what it felt like to be utterly unfettered in your depravity, to be able to do things without shame and embarrassment, to walk about with a self esteem so strong that it was impervious to anything … he burned in his gaskets to be that mech. Then he remembered that mech was Ratchet and sent a prayer to Solomus Prime, their family patron that he wasn't.
He wasn't as sanguine about jail as Loon™.
:Given that you're a savage and you have no shame, I'm going to ignore such a question aimed at the dignity of our Lord and Savior-:
:GRANNY! YOU DID A FUNNY!:
Prowl grinned in spite of himself. / … I can be funny … sometimes .../ :Pay attention, Loon. I'm asking … for someone … about …:
:Consent?: Ratchet was nearly on the floor with amusement as he watched the waiter bring over another heaping bowl of coffee flavored ice cream for a loudly whining Ironhide.
Prowl felt everything in his carcass vibrate like a tuning fork. :Maybe:
Ratchet glanced at Turbine. "I have a call. I'll be right back." Ratchet walked to a corner table to sit. :Prowler, Prowler, Prowler … don't tell me you're getting scruples now:
:I'm not doing a damned thing, Loon. I'm … I'm asking for a friend: Prowl hesitated. He almost sounded as lame as his elders from back in the orn. :TELL ME SOMETHING!: he said, then hesitated to calm down. :What about it?:
:What?: Ratchet asked to be ornery.
Prowl frowned. :Answer the question:
Ratchet sat back with a grin. :You mean … when Ironhide and I were facing all over the place and maybe, or not, it included your desk top, was I taking advantage of a child?:
Prowl stared at his desk with a deep abiding frown as he mentally left a note for the night maintenance crew to Lysol his desk. :Maybe that's the question and you didn't make monkey noises on my desk. I'd kick your aft into orbit:
:Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. As for the other, no. You forget don't you? I had a note from his papas and nanas: Ratchet guffawed inside his helm over that one. The note was going to be framed and hung up in their berth room. It would be a present for Ironhide for Christmas Surprise.
Prowl frowned. Ratchet did have a note. He didn't. Then he considered both their ages. It dawned on him that Orion even as both were kids was still the younger one. He fumed violently a moment, then changed tactics. :Loon, of the two … who do you place as the older?:
Ratchet did a zillion calculations in anticipation of related follow up questions from Prowl. :Orion was the younger. I did all the medical calculations and added in Prime's pacifier, too. I can conclusively declare Prime was the younger of the two:
:Pacifier?: Prowl said with rising indignation. :Optimus Prime does not nor has he ever needed a binkie: He grinned faintly. :He has me, Loon: He thought a moment, then persevered. :But they were … legal. To do adult things, make choices that adults make, that sort of thing: He cringed at his own cringiness.
Ratchet laughed loudly in his helm. :Do you mean they were old enough to frag?:
A cold intense sensation came over the line at that remark.
Ratchet grinned. :Yep:
:Yep, what, lunatic?:
:Why, Prowl, I'm so used to your shortcut for me that when you call me by my formal name I get chills:
:I'M GOING TO BOIL YOU IN OIL IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER!:
Ratchet grinned. :Yep as in street legal. Feel better?:
Prowl grinned as the heaviness fell away. :Yep. Maybe. Prowl, out:
:Okey, dokey. Ratchet out and highly amused. Do you want me to send coffee ice cream to The Residence?:
:Actually, that would be really great. Prowl, over and out: He walked into Ops Center with a spring in his step.
=0=Later that night after dinner
They sat at the table eating cake and ice cream. The cake was great.
"Ada, what is this ice cream?" Spirit asked sweetly.
"That is called coffee flavored ice cream," Prowl replied as he took a big bite.
"It tastes awful," Spirit replied.
Prowl glanced at him, then the other kids as they nodded. Then he glanced at Optimus.
Optimus Prime wasn't nodding with his kids.
Not on the outside anyway.
=0=TBC 11-9-2020 11-20-2020
sanguine: (san-gwin) easy going, mellow, unbothered