Chapter 18 - I Can't Do This

It wasn't really until late the next morning when Jan finally fluttered her eyes open, and when she did, it was pretty clear she was hurting.

"Hey, you're alright," Scott said, though his voice was gravelly, and he was still wearing the same clothes he'd been wearing the day before. At least he'd managed to talk the kids into going to bed instead of sleeping in the medical wing with him - even if James had made a point to check on Tony before he'd allow Natasha to take him away from the medical unit.

"Are you?" Jan asked quietly.

"Fine," he said with a quiet shrug.

She smiled lightly. "I'm sorry I worried you."

Scott nodded and put his hand on her arm. "Yeah," he said in a breath. "Yeah, don't… do that."

"Roger that," she said, nodding once.

Scott watched her for a long time before he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to brush some sweaty hair from her face. "So, Hank says you're grounded for a while. In case you were wondering."

"I so earned it?" Jan said. "It totally wasn't my fault, and I didn't get the plate number on that guy, but I'll take it."

Scott smirked at that. "You know, if you want, you can stay with us while you're stuck being a civilian."

"Are you sure?" Jan said. "I'll bet I can pay someone to take care of me if it's too much."

"Jan, I've seen James through just about every childhood illness on the planet, not to mention all three kids have had their share of broken bones-"

"And you're saying you miss that," she teased.

"I'm saying that even if I'm not in the business anymore, I never got out of practice on this part," he said.

"I know, I just … don't want to make you think I expect it, you know? And I know your space has to be a thing with the kids, and it's a big imposition. I know it is." Again, she was picking up steam the more she spoke. "Idon'twanttopush. Or assume… or..."

"You're not pushing," Scott cut in. "I'm the one making the invite."

"Really?" she said, double checking again and almost wincing. "You're not going to decide I fell off a building to get your attention?"

"Jan, if you fell off a building on purpose, we're going to have problems, because I don't think I can handle that," Scott said, one eyebrow raised.

"I didn't," she swore, then winced a little from moving too quickly. "I was trying to be funny ... "

Scott let out a breath and then leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I know. Sorry. I just… you scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry; I scared me too."

"Let's try not to do that anymore, huh?" Scott said, smiling lightly.

"Yeah, totally worst decision of the week."

"And that's including the bad sushi on Monday that we were feeling until Thursday…"

"That was totally not my fault either."

Scott let out a breath of a laugh and kissed her. "Oh, sure. You weren't trying to poison me at all. I've heard that before."

"I'm really not the poisoning type," Jan said.

"Spoken like a true evil queen…" He smiled and cupped her chin. "I'm just glad you're alive, Jan. Really."

"Me too, and for the record? Best wake up in the hospital I can remember."

"Let's not make a habit of it."

"Cross my heart," she swore.

For the next couple of months, the Summers family had something almost like normalcy. Jan stayed with them through James' birthday, which she loved, and all the way through the Christmas Break, too. Not only Scott but all three of the kids were spoiling Jan with their attention, too. It was starting to really feel … comfortable for everyone involved. Every one of the Summers family was relieved to see her doing better - and the kids were happy to see their dad smiling again as he took care of Jan.

It was fun for Jan, too, because she got to see the four Summerses at work, balancing Rachel's schooling, James' tutoring, and Nate's sports all while never making her feel like she was a burden.

It was honestly hard for her to think about going back to the team when she was enjoying playing house - but she loved being an Avenger, and she really did want to go back to it now that she was back up to speed.

The problem now would be telling Scott.

She knew he hadn't taken it well when she'd been hurt. Clint had been pretty clear on that much when he'd helped her pack up her things so she could stay at the apartment for a while. She knew Clint was trying to watch out for her, and she appreciated it, but that was a heavy thing to have hanging around her neck.

It was just… she really did love being part of Scott's life. Especially now that she had a full-time part in their lives. She could have stayed there forever helping the kids with homework, playing house, and curling up with Scott while the kids were all gone. She really could have. It was the instant family she'd longed for.

It was that much harder for her when she thought about how he might take it. Especially when she came out of the bedroom and Scott was sitting at the table at his laptop looking over the school schedule for Nate so he could find a good time for Alex to visit again - he and Lorna had "news" that probably meant a little one if how cautious Lorna had been acting at Christmas was any indicator. It was all very… domestic.

"So, I talked with Steve, and he says it's totally fine if I want to keep living here. I can still be on the team even if I'm not in the tower. I mean, Clint and Natasha live here most of the time too, so if you're - I mean, I don't want to assume anything permanent, but like, I sort of need to figure out if I'm living with the team again now that I'm back up to snuff…"

Scott frowned as he looked up from his laptop. "Are you sure?"

"Well, yeah," Jan said as she dropped into the seat nearest him.

"So you're rejoining… are you sure?" Scott asked again, his voice a little tighter.

Jan frowned at that. "I never quit, Scott. I just had to heal up."

"Right. I know. That wasn't…" Scott shook his head and held his breath. "That didn't come out right."

Jan reached over to rest her hand on his wrist. "You can take your time thinking it all over, and this has been fantastic, so don't think I'm trying to push for something more permanent or anything. And I'm not running away. It's just - if you want me to go back now, I get it."

Scott shifted his hand so he was holding hers. "It's not anything like that..." He paused, and she could see him make an honest effort to take a deeper breath. "I'm sorry, Jan. I'm a mess."

"We all are," she promised, giving his hand a little squeeze.

Scott nodded. "I want to ask you to stay," he admitted.

Jan lit up on hearing it. "That's great!"

"No, Jan, I-" Scott closed his eyes for a second and let all the air out of his lungs. "I can't. I can't handle it. I can't take a chance to lose anybody else."

"I'm fighting to keep them safe," Jan said quietly, her smile completely gone by that time. "You know that, right?"

"Jan, I lived that," Scott said in a breath. "From the day that we started the X-Men, that was my life."

"I know; I'm not saying you didn't. I just … the job isn't done yet."

"It never is," Scott said. He let his gaze drop. "I still believe in it, you know - the professor's dream."

"Of course you do," Jan said gently.

"But I can't … this isn't my fight anymore. God, Jan, I couldn't - when you got hurt, I couldn't even breathe, and it was just like-"

Jan stared at him for just a moment before she darted forward and stole a kiss. "It's okay. I know. I get it. Family has to come first."

"You're still part of mine," Scott clarified, looking positively miserable as he ran his thumb over her knuckles. "I'm just not built for your life anymore."

"Which is a big part of why I can't stop," she told him. "You shouldn't feel like you have to pick …"

"I know. And I know I can't ask you to," Scott said. "Which is why I won't."

"This has to be the dumbest reason to split up," she said as she wiped away the tears brimming at her lash line before it could wreck her mascara. "But I get it. I just don't want you guys to disappear on me, either."

"We're not going anywhere," Scott promised. "Nate likes his school too much, and James is doing well with the tutors. And…" He let out a breath. "Look, maybe one of these days I'll figure out how to breathe."

Jan nodded almost enthusiastically at that. "I hope so. That's not how I want to take your breath away."

Scott couldn't help but laugh at that. "I love you, Jan, you know that?"

There wasn't any warning before Jan launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to hold on tight. She had to to keep from completely bawling on the spot, after all. "Love you too."

Considering how well things had been going between Jan and Scott, Steve thought when Jan showed up at the tower that she was there to grab the rest of her clothes and other things for a more permanent stay. And he was absolutely thrilled for her and ready to congratulate her - until he saw the look on her face.

"Jan, what happened?" he asked, at her side in an instant with a hand at her elbow.

"Oh, just … that's it. That's all."

"What?" Steve stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"We called it off." She shrugged her shoulders up in a motion that didn't look natural on her at all.

"Why?" Steve led her somewhere she could sit down, still looking like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him.

"Cause we love each other, and we're going two different directions, and it just isn't gonna work," she said in a rush before she started to cry.

Steve didn't really know what else to do, so he pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Jan. We were all pulling for you both."

"He just can't take anything to do with a team. I thought it was just the X-Men that had him upset, really! But I don't blame him; he was so scared when I got hurt …"

Steve frowned harder when he heard it. "Is that what… Jan, I'm so sorry."

"I mean … I kinda should have seen it coming. Really. I should have."

"No, how could you have?" Steve asked.

"Steve," Jan said, stopping to look him squarely in the face. "He's so not even close to over what happened to his team. At all. All the warning signs were there - he didn't want to be spotted too close to the tower when we first got started. I should have seen it!"

Steve let out a breath. "I don't think any of them are over what happened," he had to admit. "Hell, Jan - we're not over what happened to them."

"Yeah, but it's so … it's different for him. It is." Jan shook her head. "You'd have to really be around him a lot to understand it. But it wasn't the same for him as it was for the others."

Steve nodded quietly as he thought it over. "It's hard to lose someone you led," he said, thinking of the war and Bucky and everything he'd seen, too. "Especially when you consider them family, too."

"And I really think the only thing keeping him going is the kids. And you wouldn't believe the look he gets when Rachel does something little that is so Jean, or when … well. Whenever James questions him about anything."

"You really love him," Steve said gently.

Jan nodded her head. "Which is why I won't stop the fight," she said, drawing herself up a little bit. "That's what happens if we turn our backs again. How many other people are just as crushed as he is?"

Steve smiled at that and pulled Jan under his chin. "There's the Wasp we all know and love."

"I'm not going to let those kids be afraid of keeping heroes in their lives, either," Jan said in an almost sullen tone. "We have to do this. And they need to see it's okay."

"I had sort of assumed Nate would let the others in on that secret when his 'best friend' becomes the next Hawkeye," Steve said, trying to tease her into a better mood.

"Oh, sure," she said with a sniffle. "But all three of them are ones to watch. Mark my words, they won't be content to be so …."

"Hidden?" Steve offered.

"Yes. Yes. That. Some of the questions coming out of those kids …"

"That actually gives me some hope for them."

"Keep an eye on what James is looking into," Jan said, pointing a finger at him. "He's a lot sneakier than the other two, even if he's more hesitant to cross Scott."

"That doesn't surprise me one bit," Steve said. He let out a breath then got to his feet and pulled her up with him. "But right now, one of my best friends just had her heart broken. And that's where my focus is. How many Hydra LMDs do you want to hit? I'll line 'em up for you and you can break Hawkeye's record. Again."

"Right now, I think what I really need is Natasha, some gelato, and a spa." Jan shook her head before she patted his arm. "No offense. I'll kick your trash around tomorrow."

"None taken," Steve assured her, one arm around her shoulders until they could find Natasha.

"Are you sure I can't convince you to stay in Bed-Stuy?" Natasha said for what had to be the fiftieth time. "You know my security is top notch; you'd have back up just one floor above you…"

"And Avengers dropping in, drawing attention …" Scott let out a breath. "I started paying attention, you know. After Jan was here for a while. It's just a matter of time before someone spots one of us and puts two and two together. Your security is great, Natasha. It is. But it's no substitute for as much anonymity as I can give these kids."

It was still fresh - the break up with Jan - and it had been obvious that Scott was ready to put more space between his family and the teams if he possibly could. At least, as much space as possible when Rachel was going to school in Westchester and James was still getting tutored by Stark's hires. The image inducer James was using to get in and out of the building was working, but no one knew how long that was going to last.

Natasha pursed her lips as she considered Scott's angle. "Then at least let me help you find a suitable place. I know that the very idea of changing schools has Nate pulling out his hair."

"The neighborhood is already too busy for-"

"There are other neighborhoods in the borough," Natasha said, cutting him off. "You'd still be close enough if you needed help but far enough away to have your space. And the boys could keep their schedules mostly intact."

Scott watched her for a moment, weighing out what she had to say. "You've been thinking about this already, haven't you?"

"I may have had a contingency plan in mind," Natasha admitted. "But selfishly, I did want to keep you nearer to us, so I also kept it to myself. It was nice to be near you four for so long."

Scott let out a breath of a laugh. "Alright. Show me what you've got."

What she had was a house in a reasonably well-to-do neighborhood with room enough for the kids to have their own rooms - and a view of Manhattan that made it possible for them to spot Avenger's tower from their living room if they opened the curtains. The neighborhood was clean - or at least as clean as Brooklyn could be.

"Quiet neighbors," Natasha said as they walked through the house. "Good area … fairly conservative, but I think you'll find that they won't take issue minding their own business. Mostly."

"Mostly?"

She shrugged lightly. "They're very religious. Don't be surprised if you get more questions about your faith than you do anything else."

"I'm not so sure that's a good fit," Scott said, though Natasha was already shaking her head.

"Don't be ridiculous," Natasha said. "I've looked this over more times than I care to admit, and this area is the perfect spot." When Scott didn't look convinced, she blew out an impatient breath. "Sentinels aren't allowed in this neighborhood, Scott. The population here - they won't stand for anything even close to something that targets people based on their genes or their familial ties. The area has strong political pull. None of the politicians on either side want to cross them, so they get more say than other areas. And … there are a few mutants in the area that enjoy the protection that this neighborhood provides."

Scott didn't look entirely convinced. "This is a little more advanced concern than just being mutants."

"And for anything even resembling special forces, you have me somewhat close - and ... "

Scott raised an eyebrow when Natasha let her sentiment fall. "And …."

"And … we're just a neighborhood over from where Steve lives."

"Ah."

"Hey. Everyone in the borough is proud of their local superhero," Natasha said with a crooked smile. "And they won't bother you. I'm sure of it." She bumped his shoulder with hers. "Besides … don't try to tell me you didn't want to see where Captain America grew up."

Scott didn't have any solid argument against it - and Natasha was very sure she'd seen the smallest smile tugging at the corner of his mouth - so before he could argue it, she made the call to get Tony to have one of his unconnected companies buy the place. By the time the ink was dry, and even before Scott could get the kids to really pack up anything, Tony and Natasha headed into the place wearing image inducers with his newest security measures to give them a serious upgrade before any of them had the chance to even step foot in the building.

When moving day finally came, though, Scott felt far worse than he'd prepared for when Nate was clearly heartbroken to leave the building in Bed-Stuy, even with Natasha promising that the apartment would remain their spare safe house.

Still, the little boy was dragging his feet as they made the trek to almost the other side of Brooklyn to their new place by the river. Rachel was there to help - and to set up her room - but neither she nor James seemed to react to the move at all, instead working hard to get the job done.

They'd barely gotten their second round of boxes from the truck when the first neighbor came by bearing welcome gifts and a broad smile, welcoming them to the neighborhood. Of course, it only took a look from Scott before James and Rachel started moving a little quicker to get things put away while Scott spoke with the neighbor - and they both were watching as the dreaded first questions came out, like they had any other time they'd stayed somewhere. It didn't matter if it was for a few days or for much longer; it was always the same. 'Welcome, welcome - where's your wife?' or 'When will your wife come by?' or one that was somehow worse 'What did she do that let you have custody of all three?'

And the questions were always repeated ad nauseam, with every single person that came through, so the Summers kids were preparing for a good few weeks of bucking their dad up after 'well-intentioned' neighbors came nosing around.

But this time, it seemed just a little bit different. And it was Scott who had noticed it, not the kids.

One time. Just one time amid the dozens of neighbors that came by - just once did he have to answer anything regarding his MIA wife. Scott answered it as truthfully as he could - since even for him, the truth with a few tried and true omissions was a much safer route to take than a cover story. And his answer of 'she died a few years ago in a fire' was enough to placate neighbor number one … and no one else that followed asked about her at all.

Instead, the questions turned to the kids as they brought gifts to welcome the Summers family, and it wasn't long before the kitchen was stacked with baked goods and bottles of wine and honey. To be frank, the kids didn't know how to process it, and Rachel was shaking her head within the first hour. "If we're really going to live here, I'm going to have to learn yiddish," she said. "It's driving me nuts not knowing what they're all projecting toward us."

Scott smirked at her line of thinking as they sat down to their first meal together in the new place. "Is this for threat assessment or curiosity?"

"Both," Rachel replied truthfully, and Scott let the matter fall, though he couldn't help but be amused by Rachels commitment to nosiness. She really was so much like her mother sometimes.

It wasn't long after that, though, that one of the neighbors came by with a concerned look. "I haven't seen those kids of yours in school," said the woman, who, Scott realized, was a teacher at the closest school to where they were living. "Are they alright? Or are they in the Montessori?"

It took Scott a moment to answer, though he'd known that it was possible for this to come up - it wasn't something he'd dealt with in Bed-Stuy, and again, a partial truth for now seemed to be the wisest route. "No, they're fine," he said, putting on a practiced smile - or close enough to it that most people wouldn't push for more. "My daughter is in a private school upstate, and my boys … well. My youngest wanted to stay in the school he was in before, so we're trying to keep him there for now. It's a few miles east. And my older boy … he's got tutors in the city."

"He's okay though, too?"

"Yeah, we just haven't been able to find a program to keep up with him," Scott reassured her. "He's tested off the charts, but I didn't want to put him in classes with kids that were a lot older than him. Tutors are a better fit."

She seemed relieved to hear it - just before she went on a bit of a rant about how much trouble it had been for her cousins-in-law who had a genius too - though that little girl simply skipped a few grades and got caught up in affairs much too old for her age. "You're doing the right thing, keeping that boy away from older kids like that all the time." She paused after she'd gone down the first two steps toward the street. "I hope your daughter isn't in a questionable place, though … those boarding schools can be trouble."

"I'm on good terms with the headmistress," Scott said, trying not to smile at his new neighbor's concerns. She sounded genuine - and perfectly prepared to impart her wisdom on him should he answer her questions incorrectly.

"Good," she said, pausing to nod to herself as if her job there was done - for now. "You know, if you're not busy, we always have room Friday night at dinner."

"I'll keep that in mind," Scott said, admittedly a little uncomfortable at how approachable most of the neighbors were trying to be. Whatever Scott was expecting out of this neighborhood … this wasn't it. But it wasn't necessarily a problem, either. After all, even knowing that they had solid reason to hide and to keep away from trouble, he didn't want his kids to grow up paranoid and afraid of everything…. So maybe, if these people were being genuinely nice, it would let them have some semblance of normalcy.