Chapter 10

The show Grey's Anatomy and the characters are the sole property of Shonda Rhimes and do not belong to me.

On her way down the hall Bailey ran into Burke who was on his way to see Cristina, they greeted each other and Burke asked "how the patient was doing?"

"She is doing much better thanks to you, but she is still very weak and tired and I know that you have a lot of questions but now is not the time so be careful, or I'll have you banned from her room." With that Bailey walked away and Burke was left thinking that Bailey was still the Nazi.

Burke approached Cristina's room and stood in the door way watching her. She appeared to be sleeping. Her eyes were closed. He walked into the room and pulled up the chair to the side of her bed just like he had done for the past several nights, he sat down and just watched her. He thought about how drastically their lives had changed in the four years since they met. Two pregnancies, one child, a million fights, a gun shot wound, and through it all amazing love. But, was love enough? . He is a world renowned cardiothoracic Surgeon, put him in the OR and he knew exactly what to do, when to do it and what the outcome would be, but this, his personal life was uncharacteristically out of control and he had no idea how to start repairing it or what the outcome would be. Fate, he thought had dealt him a cruel hand, brought them together, gave them a taste of what could be, then ripped them apart.

He blamed himself, he was responsible for all of this, he should have known better, he was older, should have been wiser, should have known there was a price to be paid for everything one do in life. Whatever the outcome, he knew that their lives were forever changed, there was an innocent child involved and they could never go back to the way they were. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't realize that Cristina was not asleep but was quietly watching him until she spoke. "Did you get to meet Christopher" Burke looked at her, she asked the question in such a manner she could have been asking what time it was or what the weather was like?

"Yes, I met him; he's an amazing child."

That made Cristina smiled, "Yes he is, he is smart and intelligent and wise beyond his years."

"Why didn't you tell me about him?"

"What?" Cristina seemed surprised at the question.

"Why didn't you tell me about Christopher?"

"Why, all of a sudden you care."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what Burke, you're in shock so I'll overlook your little act, but please don't play me for a fool. Seeing Christopher shocked you, talking to Christopher shocked you, but you see I have had to contend with a miniature Burke for the last two and a half years so right now I am all Burked out."

Burke was confused he couldn't reconcile the Cristina he knew to the person speaking to him, she sounded distant and bitter. "All Burked out, You sound resentful, do you resent the baby?"

"Resent the baby, he is not a baby, he is my son and he is two and a half years old. I miscarried the baby remember, the baby that you never talk about or cared about."

"Cristina, how can you say that, what makes you think that I didn't care."

Cristina was getting agitated and was beginning to cry, she had bottled up everything inside and now she was about to let it all out.

"I lived with you for over a year, slept with you every night, you said you loved me, you claim to know me and yet you know nothing about me. Did you know that after I lost the baby I would get up every night in cold sweat shaking and crying for no reason at all, feeling guilty because I was planning to terminate the pregnancy? . Did you know that every year on what would have been the baby's birthday I get physically sick? Did you know that for months I tried my very best not to go near the Neo Natal wards because I couldn't stand to see a baby or to hear one cry? Did you know that the day that you broke up with me I had planned on telling you about the baby? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be pregnant and alone that you not only wish the baby would disappear but that you could disappear also? . Did you know that Christopher was supposed to be in the car with me the day of the accident? . Don't you dare talk to me about resenting my child. He saved my life. When Christopher came along the nightmares went away and I began to feel whole again and I love him more than I thought it was ever possible to love someone, more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. As she spoke, the tears were streaming down her face and Burke sat with his head bowed tears also running down his face. He wiped his eyes and reached out to touch her hand but she pulled away from him. "Christopher represents my second chance to do things right and I'm not going to let you mess that up."

"Cristina, I'm so sorry,...I didn't realize...I'm sorry."

"Didn't realize what that I have feelings? Were you playing games with me Burke? I mean you have a reputation of picking the weakest intern to torture, what was I, easy, did I have screw me, I'm easy written all over my face."

"Cristina don't be crass that's not you."

"Don't be crass" she laughed. "I poured my heart out in that letter. I even gave you my pregnancy test and you never even acknowledged getting them."

"What... what are you talking about. I didn't get a letter from you and I definitely did not get a pregnancy test."

"The night before you left I wrote you a letter, I had just found out that day that I was pregnant. I was feeling sick all the time and falling asleep at unexpected times and I knew something was wrong, but of course I couldn't talk to you because your only problem with me falling asleep is that I do it during sex." . Burke had gotten up and started pacing around the room. Everything was beginning to make sense, Cristina's attitude toward him, the anger and resentment that he could hear in her voice. She believed that he knew about Christopher but chose to abandon them both. She had changed, she was finally speaking her mind and although it hurt to hear some of the things she had to say he was glad that she was opening up to him and he was prepared to face the consequences.

"Where did you put the letter?"

"In your suitcase, it wasn't in an envelope, I thought I would be creative, so I folded the letter around my pregnancy test and wrapped it in gold gift wrap paper and placed it in your suitcase. There is no possible way you couldn't see it so don't pretend."

"I'm not pretending I really didn't see it, where in the suitcase did you put it?"

"There's a small section in the suitcase, just a little pocket with elastic around it, I put it there because I thought it would be easier for you to find it because it wouldn't be mixed up with the rest of your things."

"Cristina, I swear to you, I never found that letter, its probably still in my suitcase. I would never have left if I had known. Why didn't you contact me again after Christopher was born? ."

"Why, so you can dump me again, I complicated your life before remember, so you dumped me because dating an intern was not conducive to being chief, you dumped me again because I was complicating your recovery, how many times do you think I can take being dumped? ."

"I'm not used to failing, everything that I have ever wanted in life, I worked hard for and I accomplished it, I've never really suffered any set back in my career, but this, the one thing that I want more than anything else I've failed at. Do you think you could ever forgive me? ."

She didn't answer.

"Cristina"

"Please Burke, just leave me alone, I'm really tired."

"Okay, get some sleep, I have to go back to the hotel anyway"

"Are you coming back?"

He looked at her pleadingly he wasn't sure if that was just a question or if she really wanted him to be there.

"I'll be back later"

She turned her back so Burke couldn't see the smile on her face.