Chapter 18

The show Grey's Anatomy and the characters are the sole property of Shonda Rhimes and does not belong to me.

He had driven Derek home and taken a cab back to the hospital to spend some time with Cristina before taking Christopher home. She was sitting up in bed, reading. Christopher was still sleeping, his head resting in her lap. She was holding her book with one hand and with the other she was gently playing with Christopher's hair. The sight of the two of them filled him with so much pride. "They are your family, Preston." Derek Shepherd's words came back to him. "The only thing missing from that picture is you." I have to make this work he thought, somehow, I have to get through to her.

She must have felt that someone was watching her because she looked up suddenly and seemed surprised that Burke was standing there. "What took you so long?" she asked.

He was surprised by her question. "I went for a drink with an old friend, then gave him a ride home, did you miss me?"

"Not likely" she said smiling. "Christopher woke up and asked for you."

"Does he always sleep this long.?"

She shook her head. "He is use to having an afternoon nap but I think today has been a little bit much for him, It's going to be hard getting him to sleep tonight."

Burke looked at her with pride in his eyes. She seemed to be such a natural at being a mother. So different from the driven intern she once was. He had seen an inkling of her maternal side years ago when he operated on little Justin. She was so protective of him so gentle with him. He had known then that one day she would make a wonderful mother. "Burke" Her voice brought him back to reality.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Thinking about someone you left back in Alabama?" She asked the question jokingly but in reality she was really afraid that this was the case.

"Thinking about you."

"Why?"

He looked at her for a long time before answering. "You know the answer to that"

She didn't answer and looked away so that he couldn't see her face. Burke continued.

"I was thinking of taking Christopher back to the hotel with me. He could spend the night, if that's okay with you."

She thought about it for a moment before answering. She was secretly happy that Burke was willing to keep Christopher over night. She felt guilty knowing that Meredith had given up so much of her time for Christopher and she was glad to see how Burke was so easily bonding with their son. Although she experienced periodic bouts of jealousy, she understood that was normal and that her son's well being took precedence over everything else. "Burke. You don't need my permission to do that. I have a better idea though."

"What's that?"

"Could you spend the night at my place instead? I think it may do him some good to be home . . . sleep in his own bed. I'm worried about him...he's too young to be going through all this. He asked me today if I...she couldn't finish what she was about to say, she began to cry.

Burke went over and sat on her bed and pulled her in his arms "Shh" he said and kissed her on her head. "What did he say?" Burke asked gently.

"He wanted to know if I was going to die. I didn't think he even knows what it means to die...I can't imagine what has been going through his little head all this time." She started sobbing again and Burke reached over for the box of tissue on her night stand and began to wipe the tears away from her eyes. " You can't let him wake up and find you crying or he's going to believe that I'm killing you" They both started to laugh at that thought, and Burke continued "If you think that will help then that's fine, I'll take him home."

Cristina continued "and you have to read to him before he goes to bed."

Burke smiled, "okay mother hen, is there anything else I should know?"

She answered, "yes"

"What's that?"

"Don't call me mother hen."

"Okay, how about momma bear?" While he spoke, he was gently combing her hair out of her face with his fingers.

"No"

"I just want to see you smile. I can't have both cris' in my life depressed now, can I?"

"I'm not depressed."

"No, but you're both suffering from withdrawal, hopefully, today has been good for both of you."

She closed her eyes for a moment and snuggled closer to him. " I'm glad you're here" she whispered.

He breathes in deeply before answering, "I'm glad I'm here too." The simple act of her admitting that she was glad that he was there meant a lot to him. She was slowly opening up to him and he wanted her to continue down that route. He was dreading what he had to tell her next. "I have to leave in a couple of days. I have to go back to Alabama."

She stared at him for a moment, her eyes were pleading with him to stay but what came from her mouth was anger and disappointment. "So what am I supposed to tell Christopher, that you love him but not as much as you love your precious Alabama?"

"Why are you being so unreasonable? I haven't even finished what I was about to say."

She tried to change the subject, "I don't want to talk about this right now, I am really tired"

"Sometime soon we're going to have to talk, I mean really talk, it's not just about you and me anymore."

"I think you should take Christopher home now" while she said it she was looking at the small clock on the wall.

He seemed surprised that she was suddenly telling him to leave. "What's your rush, Christopher is still sleeping."

"If you don't wake him up now, you'll have to stay up with him tonight because he won't go to sleep." ...She turned away from him before saying, "plus my parents are coming here this evening and I don't" . . . he cut her off.

"You don't want them so see me." He was hurt.

"That's not it, just do this for me please."She looked at him pleadingly and he knew that he couldn't deny her anything.

"Cristina, I don't want to be anybody's secret."

"You're not a secret. You're Christopher's father."

"Is that all I am to you, Christopher's father?"

"Burke, please, just take him and go, we'll talk about this later, I'll call you after they leave."

She turned around and started to wake Christopher up. "Christopher, baby wake up. Daddy is going to take you home now."

Christopher woke up, protesting that he wanted to stay with her but she finally got him to agree to go home. Burke lifted Christopher up as he was still a little sleepy he said goodbye to Cristina and was about to leave when she stopped him. "I don't think there's any grocery in the apartment so you may want to stop on your way and pick something up or there won't be anything for breakfast in the morning."

Burke gave her a long stare and she looked away. She couldn't read his thoughts but she knew that he was upset. She felt as if she had made a mess of the whole situation and she wasn't sure what the outcome would be. She longed for the old days when she was sure of his love for her. When all she needed was just to be in the same room as he. She wondered if they would ever be able to rekindle any of that. She wanted to ask him to stay, wanted to let him know how much she loved having him there. Instead she reacted out of anger and fear. Fear that if he goes back to Alabama he may not return. For three long years she had waited, hoping that he would return. No one, not even her friends knew the full extent of the impact his leaving had on her life. The nights were the most horrible. She would go home to an empty apartment sometimes forgetting that he wasn't there. There were no trumpets playing, no smell of dinner cooking and most of all those arms that she had become so accustomed to, were no longer there to hold her. She wondered if he missed her as much as she missed him or if someone else has replaced her in his arms, in his bed and in his life.