Chapter 19

The show Grey's Anatomy and the characters are the sole property of Shonda Rhimes and does not belong to me.

He picked up the phone on the second ring and said "hello"

She hesitated before answering, she didn't know quite how to begin to say what she knew she had to "are you still mad at me?"

he didn't answer

"Burke" she called his name in a questioning tone as if to ask if he was still there. "You don't have to answer, you just have to listen . . . I'm not good at saying what it is that I really want to say whenever you're close to me. I can write it or I can say it over the phone . . . I prefer to say it and if I don't say it now I may not be able to muster up the courage to say it again. When I first met you, when our relationship first started, I had no intention of letting it go this far. I knew that I was attracted to you and I knew that you were attracted to me. In the beginning, on my part it was purely sexual. You were my boss, a highly regarded surgeon, you were the forbidden fruit and I was tempted. Which now looking back, it is strange because I've been in situations like that before but I've always had checks and balances and I was never tempted to cross the line. With you things were different all the well-intentioned checks and balances just disappeared and I allowed myself to do things with you that I've never dreamed of doing with anyone else. To feel things for you that I have never felt for anyone else"

"Cristina" He said her name but she wouldn't allow him to speak.

"Just listen, okay, if I don't do this now, I won't be able to do it again."

"Okay" he said, and she continued.

"Around the time that I found out that I was pregnant for the first time, my feelings for you began to change and that scared me. I'd never felt that way about anyone before. When you asked me to move in, I kept my old apartment because I always had this feeling that we wouldn't last and in hind sight I was right . . . You took good care of me and you made it impossible for me to leave . . . there were so many times when I wanted to just run, . . . but I would come home from a rough day at work and all you needed to do was put your arms around me and I'd feel safe and I had never had that before. Around you, I could be myself, you made me feel loved and wanted but I wasn't ready to reciprocate those feelings. Loving you was not in my plans. I wanted to scare you off so I lead you to believe that I was much more of a slob than I really was. You didn't take the bate. And you wore down my defenses. I began to depend on you both emotionally and physically but I was afraid of letting you know."

"I'm from a family of over achievers and I'm the biggest over achiever of all. A lot was expected of me, so when I went away to school. I started to rebel . . . I never failed in school but I began to resent my parents, especially my mother, little did I know that the time would come when I would need to lean on her more than I have ever leaned on anyone . . . She was always there for me. All that I had to do was pick up the phone, but instead of seeing her as a concerned mother I always felt that she was interfering in my life. Then I came here for internship, I met you, got pregnant and you left . . . I was no longer my parents pride and joy, I had become a source of embarrassment . . . Whenever my family got together I was the one that everyone whispered about . . . My family is proud and they're old fashioned and very conservative. It was bad enough that I had what they considered to be an affair with my boss, it was even worse to become pregnant and then you leaving . . . So, initially, I lied . . . I told them that you were not the father and that we had broken up long before I became pregnant . . . You see my step father had this idea that he should report you to the hospital board. He felt that I was being taken advantage of. So I kept my secret and no one in my family knew who Christopher's father was until he was born, and my mother saw him . . . and she knew. I begged her not to say anything, so she is now a part of my lie...When you said earlier today that I was keeping you a secret, you were right, but not in the way you think . . . I need the chance to talk to them alone first, outside of this hospital. I should be out of her within the next two days, I'll talk to them then."

"After you left, I didn't know what to do. It's not easy being a pregnant intern. It's especially hard when you are the subject of everyone's gossip. My friends could do so much to insulate me from the stares and the gossip, the look of pity. Everyone knew who I was pregnant for, some were sympathetic, others thought I got what I deserved . . . It was like I had robbed them of their prized bull.

It got so bad that I found myself wishing that I would go to bed and not wake up."

He couldn't stand to hear her say that "Cristina don't."

She interrupted him. " Just let me finish please."

"One evening after a particularly rough day of work I came home and I was lying on the floor on my back . . . hoping that I would never wake up when I felt a little flutter in my stomach, just for a fleeting moment . . . At first I didn't realize what it was . . . and then it happened again, only this time it was more prolonged . . . it was just like a butterfly was just sitting there fluttering its wings, it was so gentle . . . then I realized that it was my baby's first movement . . . From then on, I lived for those times when he would flutter and I didn't want to not wake up any more . . . gradually, those little flutter became distinct movements . . . he began to kick more aggressively and I could make the distinction between his little feet and little elbows . . . and we would make a little game out of it . . . he would stick his little feet out and I would tickle that spot and he would move to another location . . . At the time I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl. I didn't want to know. I just wanted to maintain that element of surprise . . . and I wanted it to be healthy."

"After a very tedious day in surgery I came home one evening and realized that I hadn't felt the baby move all day . . . I was so scared, . . . I started to imagine the worst . . . I was too scared to confirm what I thought was obvious so I didn't go back to the hospital to check it out . . . I spent the whole night crying, thinking that I had lost another one. Just before dawn I fell asleep and when I woke up he was moving, . . . it's like he was taking my insides for his own private playground . . . I was so happy, it was Christmas eve . . . I went to work feeling very tired, I hadn't had enough sleep. By the end of the day I began to feel cramps in my stomach . . . I thought maybe I had too much to eat that day so I ignored the symptoms . . . I took a shower and went to lie on the floor. I had started sleeping there because for some reason I felt more comfortable sleeping on a hard surface than on my bed . . . I fell asleep then woke up a few hours later feeling startled. Then it hit me, . . . the cramp that I felt earlier was still there only more severe . . . I still didn't think that I was in labour, it was too early."

"I phoned my mother and she said she was getting on the first flight out . . . I phoned Meredith and she came over to drive me to the hospital.By the time she got to my apartment my water already broke and the pains were more prolonged and more severe. We got to the hospital only to find out that there were complications. Christopher was breach and there was a possibility that the umbilical cord was around his neck. Addison Shepherd was my doctor and we decided that a caesarean would be best . . . I was awake through the entire procedure. Meredith cut the umbilical cord . . . I can't explain the feeling that I had when I heard him cry for the first time . . It was seven fifteen on Christmas morning . . . then Addison put him in my arms, he was the most beautiful baby . . . he had light caramel skin, big almond-shaped eyes and a full head of hair. . . and then I started to laugh and everyone thought I was crazy but it crossed my mind that god had a sense of humor, because I looked at my baby and the most prominent thing about him was the cleft in his chin. I chose to believe that god didn't hate me, he just wanted to make fun of me . . . How else could I explain that the one person I wanted to forget the most, I couldn't. Every time I looked at my baby I would see you."

"I promised Christopher then that I would always be there for him and that I would do everything in my power to keep him safe and most of all, I promised him that I would love him unconditionally. He didn't ask to be born, that was my choice, and he is not responsible for the circumstances of his birth. You came back because I had the accident and I will always be grateful to you for that. I realize now that you really didn't know about Christopher and I am truly sorry about that, you've both missed out on a lot. I watched you with him today and I could see that you love him and I know that he loves you too. I don't want to do anything that will impact negatively on his relationship with you, and I don't want him to grow up feeling that he was always caught in the middle of his parent's disagreements. With you going back to Alabama, I don't know how this is going to work. I don't want to be the one to tell him that you're leaving."

All the time that she was talking she had no idea that at the other end of the telephone Burke was sitting with tears in his eyes trying unsuccessfully to control his emotions. He knew that it could not have been easy for her to hold on to her internship while being pregnant and subsequently having the baby. He had no idea what she had gone through. She didn't talk much and rarely showed any emotions but he could tell that there was a lot bottled up inside of her and what she just revealed was just the tip of the iceberg. "You didn't let me finish. I'm not going back to Alabama for good. When I heard about your accident, I dropped everything to be here. There were surgeries which I had scheduled that I had to refer to someone else. I had no idea how long I was going to be away, or if you would even be..." he couldn't say it so she said it for him.

"Or if I would even be alive."

"Yes" he took a deep breath then continued. " In a few days I'll have to leave. I'll be away for about a week, two at the most. I will talk to Christopher, but first I need to clarify some things to you. I listened to you without interrupting so I'm hoping that you'll do the same for me."

"The first time I saw you was your first full day at the hospital. I had come to select an intern for the first procedure. When I picked George I saw a look on your face and I thought, this girl had spunk. I saw you again that day when George was in the middle of doing the appendectomy and you were all in the gallery cheering him on. I looked up to indicate silence and there you were. After that I would see you constantly. You could be in the middle of all the interns and you are the one that I see. At the hospital interns come and go and to me all they represent was someone else to teach then move on to the next. With you it was different, I just couldn't get rid of you."

"You wanted to get rid of me?" she asked, surprised to hear him say that.

"I ask you not to say anything. Anyway, when Liz Fallon came to the hospital I overheard her asking you about your home life and I found out that you didn't have a boyfriend and I found myself being very happy about it...Then when she was dying and you tried to resuscitate her and I had to physically pull you away from her...I felt something...and I didn't want to let you go, but I had to . Then she died and you had to call it, my heart ache because I had been there before. I knew what it was like to lose your first patient... So when you left the room I knew that someone had to talk to you...so I came after you and found you in the stair well...and you looked at me with tears in your eyes and... I grabbed your hands but all that I really waned to do was to just hold you close and tell you that everything would be all right. I've never felt that way about any intern before so I knew then that there were other forces at work. I went home that night and I dreamed about you but in my dreams I did hold you close and I kissed you and you returned the kiss."

"The next morning I came to work and I saw you standing at the nurses station so I bought you a coffee. In my mind I felt that if you accepted the coffee I had a chance. If you didn't then I would leave you alone . . . I walked away leaving the coffee there, but I watched you take it and I knew . . . Then the whole situation with the towel inside the patient happened. And I saw you watching me with accusation in your eyes."

She interrupted him again, "that wasn't accusation, that was disappointment, I thought that you and Bailey were trying to cover it up."

"Anyway, at the end of the day when you walked into that On Call Room my fate was sealed. My head was telling me to walk away but my heart was telling me something else . . . I kissed you and I couldn't help myself. I wanted you more that I have ever wanted anyone...After that whenever I'm with you I find myself not wanting it to end. Then out of fear I broke it off only to have you collapse in my OR and finding out later that you had an ectopic pregnancy and had lost the baby . . . Having to complete that surgery not knowing what was wrong with you was the worst feeling of all . . . but nothing hurt more than the way that I found out . . . seeing your name up there on that board . . . I've read that board a million times and was never affected by it until that day . . . I knew then that my feelings for you was deeper than I thought . . . I wanted you in my life, I wanted to make up for all the pain that I had caused you."

When you came back to work, I rushed things. I should have given you more time, Instead I gave you an ultimatum. I was very surprised when you said you wanted us to be a couple . . . but then you wanted to keep it secret . . . but I've been around hospitals for a long time and I knew what gossip could do, so I took the initiative and told the chief myself . . . I didn't want us to always have to be looking over our shoulders whenever we go out . . . I felt obligated to look out for your best interest. The day you moved in was one of the happiest days of my life . . . I could take care of you and if I didn't see you during the day, I knew that at night you would always be there. Every day I fell in love with you more . . . and I could see your feelings change toward me . . . Even though you never said it, I knew . . . and then in the blink of an eye, everything changed. I got shot and here we are."

"So where do we go from here" she asked the question knowing in her heart what the answer was.

"I don't know, I know that we both want Christopher to be happy, but I don't know how we're going to accomplish that."

"Well, you said that you didn't want to be my boyfriend ."

"No" he answered, "I don't want to be your boyfriend, we've been there, we've done that"

"Then what do you want from me Burke?" she sounded frustrated and hurt.

"Cristina" he had a way of calling her name that made her feel special

"Yeah"

"Marry me?"