Title: Deliver Us Not
Fandom: General Hospital
Characters: Tracy Quartermaine
Prompt: #28 Deliver
Word Count: 791 words
Rating: PG
Summary: Tracy has a talk with The Big Man.
Author's Notes: Just a little stream of consciousness thing about Tracy, just after she had the abortion.

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Dear God, I know what you're thinking, and I want to thank you for letting me in your House. I know I'm not Catholic, but this was the only English-language service I could find. Thanks for not striking me down with a bolt of lightning when I walked up to the front door.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here. I was never particularly religious, but you know that.

What am I thinking? You already know why I'm here. You knew before I did why I came to this church, why I sat through Mass, why I'm giving up my Thursday morning to hang out with these religious old people.

You know what happened, and I'll bet the farm You've already judged me.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

When I was a little girl, my mother always told me you were a kind and forgiving Father. That always confused me, because the father I've got has never been very kind, nor is he in any way forgiving.

He wouldn't forgive me my trespasses. I've trespassed a lot, You know.

But Mother said You would forgive me anything, if I was truly sorry.

And lead us not into temptation…

I never could resist temptation. And he was tempting. I knew I loved him. I knew we'd make it, that he'd be the one who could make me happy.

You know, I don't believe I was meant to be happy.

And deliver us from evil…

He wasn't evil. Guliano wasn't evil. Just immature. He didn't want to commit. I can understand that. And even if he did cheat on me, he doesn't deserve to be saddled with a child he doesn't want anymore than I do.

For Thine is the kingdom…

I know I'll never go to heaven. I know I'm a sinner. I'm resigned to that knowledge.

But I do have some sense of right and wrong. Some idea of how things are supposed to be. And children are supposed to be born to parents who want them, who love them.

How could I bring another child into this world? Don't You understand what it's like to know you're not wanted? That you're not loved? Isn't it better not to bring a child into this world than to bring one in and neglect it? How many times has my son prayed to You? How many times has he wished he'd never been born?

And the power…

I have no power. I have nothing that isn't doled out to me by a cold and demanding father. My money is gone—squandered by my ex-husband. My child is being raised by strangers. My hope for the future is as bankrupt as my Swiss bank account.

I'm spoiled and greedy and immature. Who am I to try to raise a child?

Everything I do turns to mud. I won't force another child into my shadow. I can already see what that's doing to Ned. I won't do it to another child, and I won't do it to myself.

And the glory…

I know what I tell myself out there. I know what I've convinced myself. That it's the sensible thing to do. That it's the most humane choice, the most practical choice. That it isn't a life yet.

But here, in your House, I can't lie. I know I'm sinning. I know I'm giving up my soul. I know that I will never forgive myself for this.

And yet, I won't change my mind. I won't force a child to live without love.

I have no more love to give.

I have no more love inside of me.

What I had with Guliano wasn't love. Love doesn't walk out in the middle of the night. Love doesn't make you feel small. Love doesn't make you feel used.

There is no more love.

Forever and ever…

I don't want to spend eternity in flames. I don't want to lose my immortal soul.

I want to believe the fairy tales my mother told me about a kind and forgiving God.

But I don't.

So I'll just say goodbye now. I'll say thank you for the gifts you've given me, and resign myself to whatever fate will come when I finally finish up my time on Earth.

I will ask for forgiveness, but I won't beg. I won't grovel, not even to You.

It's better for this child never to see daylight than to grow up begging for love, and never receiving it.

Like me.

Like my son.

Amen.

Amen.

The End

Written for the LJ 100 Situations ficathon.

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