Feels Like Home
Authors Note: This is the sequel to my story In My Blood. This is a bit milder. This story is set 4+ years from where the last story ended. Oakley is now five years old, and Willow is now ten years old. Still rated M for mature just to be safe.
Summery: What happens when Addison Montgomery returns to New York four years after leaving everything and walking away from her life?
Chapter 1:
"Addison is that you?" Meredith asks, cautiously. I instinctively turn when I hear her say my name. I can feel the color draining from my face. She caught me off guard. I realize, too late, that I had walked right past them on my way to the hospital entrance. They were sitting in the lobby chairs and I hadn't noticed. I am distracted. I thought I would be okay coming back here, but it has been a lot. I was rushing. The childcare center where Heavenly was shot is right next to the lobby, conveniently located near the entrance to the hospital. I was trying to avoid seeing the place where my life changed forever. I should have lobbied for it to be shut down. When I passed, I glanced up, looking in the large glass windows. The children were seated around a little circle table having their evening snack. They were laughing and happy to be in each other's company as they talked with each other and ate. They're all young. 3-4 from the looks of it. They have no idea what happened at this place. To them it is just another day at nursery. I could have avoided this area of the hospital all together, but I needed the skills lab and there isn't another convenient way to get there. I have been going over the operation I am here for over and over again. I've done this procedure hundreds of times before, but it's complicated. I am jittery being back here. My hands tremble from nerves. I managed to fail the operation several times before I finally gave up and decided to let it go for the day. I have a few more weeks to prepare. This time seems different than the times before, or maybe it is just being back here. I will have to come back again tomorrow. There are always new complications that can arise, and I need to be as prepared as possible.
I am at the door to the hospital when she catches up to me. I look back and see two little girls, Willow and Oakley, sitting in the chairs reading their books. How am I so unprepared for this? I knew this would happen eventually, though I was hoping it wouldn't happen this soon. I took the case at the same hospital I used to work at. The same hospital where Meredith, Derek, and Mark all still work. Did I really think that I would be able to escape them just because the hospital is one of the largest in the state? This is the way of the world though. Karma, bad juju. I've been in New York for less than twenty-four hours and I'm already being confronted with my past.
"Meredith, hi." I say. I stumble over the simplest of words. She looks different. She's slightly older and more tired than I remember. Who wouldn't be working full time as a surgeon and raising two children? The subtle grace and beauty are the same though. She still has that sparkle in her eyes. Her hair is cut into cute layers around her face.
"You look great." She says. I feel like she's just being kind.
"Twelve months inpatient will do that to a person." I say, with a little nervous laugh, though it's not funny. When I left, I tried to work things out on my own. It turns out changing your environment doesn't alter the demons inside of you. I thought running away would make my life easier, but the demons followed me. In reality running away from my problems only made things worse. I became caught in the trap of my alternate life. It was easy to put on a mask and pretend I was fine. I even had myself convinced I was fine for a little while. It wasn't real though. I wanted to get as far away from New York as humanly possible. I spent the first two years overseas, helping to establish hospitals and shelters for women and children in developing countries. I provided aid to those in need. I went to work, hung out with co-workers. I created an alter ego to protect myself. After a while I wasn't able to pretend anymore. The walls all came crashing down around me when I had to help treat a little girl who was the victim of a hostile shooting. She survived, but she will be paralyzed from the waist down for life. The parents were just so grateful that she was alive. I couldn't save her. Not really. How will her parents afford the ongoing medical care for a paralyzed child? I paid their hospital bill, and for her rehabilitation therapies and equipment in secret and then returned to New York. Her name was Aaliyah. She was only seven years old. When I got back to New York I voluntarily checked myself into a mental health facility.
"I didn't know you were back in town." Meredith says, interrupting my thoughts.
"I'm here for work. I should have given you warning, I'm sorry."
"Oh!" She says hand to her forehead like she didn't realize how she could have possibly forgotten something so important. "The Chief did mention something about trying to get you back, but I didn't know he succeeded. The quads, double TTTS, that poor mother."
"I needed a change, and he contacted me to help her." I say, stating the bare minimum facts.
"So, you're here to go back to your life that you needed a change from to begin with? That's logic if I've ever heard it." Meredith says, facetiously and I frown at her.
"I won't be here too long. I'm scheduled to operate and see her through the remainder of her pregnancy. Five months, six months max if everything goes well and the babies do not need to be delivered extremely prematurely. TTTS cases are generally induced a little early, but the longer the babies are on the inside the better."
"She's only fourteen weeks. You can't even operate yet." She says, and I shrug.
"That just gives me time to prepare." I respond. "You're right though, cases like this are tricky, especially with her being on hospital bedrest due to preterm labor. The Chief would rather be prepared than to be sued. The mother is terrified of the surgery, so we'll have to wait and see how things progress." As a doctor I hate leaving things up to chance, but this is not my call to make. It's the parent's decision. The procedure is risky. They have every right to be afraid.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out." Meredith says, supportively.
"I usually do."
"Mummy whose this?" Petite little red-haired Oakley asks, running over from where she and her sister were reading and tugging on Meredith's blouse. "I thought you said we're going home. We've been waiting forever. I've already finished all of my book." My heart skips a beat. Oakley. I know I'm not imagining it; her facial expression is exactly that of Meredith's when she is annoyed. I didn't tell either of the girl's goodbye. They wouldn't have understood. I just…. I just left a note on the refrigerator and I walked away. I know she doesn't know who I am, but I wonder if Willow remembers me? It's been so long. They were both so little when I left. Oakley wasn't even one yet, and Willow only five. Willow is absorbed in her book and doesn't seem to have noticed her little sister running off.
"Someone has been watching a bit too much Peppa Pig." Meredith explains, with a little smile when Oakley calls her Mummy and not Mommy, Mom, or Momma.
"Who Mummy?" Oakley demands, she looks me up and down critically. "Is she one of your new interns? I haven't seen her here before."
"No baby." Meredith and I exchange looks uncomfortably. The thought of being thrown back into intern year by a five-year-old is slightly humorous. I must look younger than I feel. "The new interns don't arrive until next week."
"Dang." She says, looking disappointed. "I love freaking them out with my medical knowledge." She looks thoughtful. "I'm learning so much! When they are watching us if I am good for five whole minutes, they give me a new medical fact to memorize."
"They love that too." Meredith responds, and Oakley looks at me again, up, and down.
"You must be a new doctor then." She settles. "I know all of the doctors and all of the nurses around here. I even know some of the patients. My mommy is a very important doctor here. She lets me do rounds with her sometimes. Kids of VID's get special privileges." She says, proudly.
"I am." I manage to choke out, trying to take her bubbly personality in. "I'm a neonatologist." I tell her.
"Oh!" She exclaims. "You're a baby surgeon." She looks so excited as she tells me. "You take care of the premies in the neonatal intensive care unit, and you know how to operate on babies before and after they're born!"
"You're a very smart young lady." I say, beaming with pride at her. I swallow hard. How could she not be? She has both nurture, and nature on her side. She has been doubly chosen for greatness.
"I spend a lot of time here." She says, smiling up at me, deciding I'm an OK person after all. My heart races as I notice she has the same exact gap in between her front two teeth as I did when I was her age.
"Oakley this is… uh…" Meredith looks at me, and I shrug. How could it possibly hurt to tell her some version of the truth? As long as she doesn't tell her I'm the one who gave birth to her and gave her away I don't care what she says. I remember my words to her from just before I left. 'They're your children. Tell them whatever you want them to know.' I remain silent, waiting for her next move. I don't want to destroy whatever version of the truth Oakley knows. I highly doubt my version of events Is what Meredith went with. Somehow 'Your mother gave you up because she didn't love you and fantasized about smothering you in your sleep.' Doesn't seem like it'd go over too well. We are after all trying to avoid traumatizing her. There is no reason she will ever need to know the full truth, at least that truth. Oh, the dark evils of grief combined with post-traumatic stress disorder, postpartum depression, and anxiety. I can't allow myself to think about this though. It has to remain black and white. It wasn't that I didn't love her. I do love her. When I realized that love wasn't enough to keep her safe, I had to do the right thing by her and let her go. I wasn't what she needed.
"This is your Aunt Addison." Meredith says, after a pause. "She's going to be working at the hospital for a little while."
"My Aunt Addison?" She asks, looking at me skeptically. Disparagement and confusion in her eyes. "She can't be my Aunt Addison." She finally concludes.
"Oh?" I ask, and honestly, I'm glad she didn't just instantly attach to me like most kids do. That would have made this so much harder. The natural suspicion is a great thing. I did not come back with plans or motives. I did not come back with the intention of being anyone's anything. I simply came back to, hopefully, spare my patient the heartache of burying her unborn children.
"No." She informs me. "My Mummy says I get my red hair from my Aunt Addison. Your hair is black." She points out. "Plus, my Aunt Addison is very thin, and has an NG tube. You're normal." Meredith looks mortified, but I shake my head slowly, and she doesn't interfere. I kneel down to Oakley's level. "In the pictures I have of my aunt Addison holding me she has an NG tube and red hair anyway."
"That is very observant of you." I tell her. "Your Mommy is right though. My hair is naturally red. I went to the salon and had them dye it black for me." I say. She gently touches my face. "When you were a baby, I was very sick, but I'm not sick anymore, so I don't need the NG tube to help me."
"Oh." She says, considering this information and then "Did you not like your red hair? I don't like my red hair much. I get teased a lot. Not only is my hair red, but it's curly!" She says dramatically taking her hair and holding it up for my examination.
"Your hair is beautiful, like a Princess's." I say. "Whose your favorite princess?" I ask her.
"Merida!" She responds, excitedly doing a little dance. "I have a Merida bedroom at home!"
"See? Exactly like a Princess's." I smile at her. "Mine is starting to turn red again, see?" I ask bowing my head so she can see my roots that I haven't yet covered up. I was actually planning on having the black stripped out and returning to my natural color. I just haven't had the time yet. So many other things have taken priority. She holds her head close to mine and asks Meredith if it really is the same color. She smiles so big when Meredith says it is.
"Why isn't your hair curly?" She asks me.
"Sorry kiddo, you must have gotten the curls from." I stop myself. I almost say, 'your daddy'. Mark had extremely curly hair as a child. He still has curly hair as an adult, but keeps it cut short to avoid dealing with it. He hated properly caring for his curls daily. That isn't her truth though. Her daddy, Derek, has always had straight hair. "You must have gotten your curls from someone else." Mark is not her father anymore than I am her mother. The biological aspect sure, but we didn't raise her. "My curls are made with a curling iron." I say, hoping I've covered well enough. She doesn't seem to suspect anything.
"Woah." She has an oooh moment at the realization that I'm actually this person her mother told her about. "Mummy has told me stories about you, before you moved away."
"All good things I hope?" I ask, looking to Meredith cautiously.
"Mostly." Oakley says, dismissively. "Can I round with you? I love babies. Mommy doesn't get to deliver very many babies."
"Oakley why don't you and Willow go get a frozen yogurt from the cafeteria?" Meredith asks, cutting her off before I can answer. She takes some money from her purse and hands it to the little red head. "We're still waiting for Daddy to finish surgery but we will go home as soon as he is finished okay?"
"Can Aunt Addison come?" She asks innocently and then adds "They have the most amazing strawberry swirl!" She looks up at me hopefully. As sweet and innocent as she is my automatic instinct is to be kind but keep my emotional distance from her. If I let her get close to me will I regret the decisions I had to make to keep her safe?
"Maybe another time OK?" I offer. "I want to talk to your Mummy for a few minutes."
"Okay." She agrees and calls "Bye!" before running off to Willow. She takes Willow's book from her and dances around in front of her singing "Come on come on! Willow! Mummy gave me money for ice cream!" The girls take off towards the elevator, and we watch as they press the down button and get on before speaking again.
"I'm sorry." Meredith says. "I didn't mean to ambush you with her. I really thought she would keep reading with Willow. She usually listens to me so well."
"It's alright." I look down at the floor, trying to gather my thoughts. "She seems like a lovely little girl."
"She is." Meredith agrees. "And so smart. She's only in kindergarten but she's doing work in reading and math at advanced levels. They wanted to skip her to second grade, but we felt kindergarten was more appropriate for social skills. She's homeschooled but attends the kinder social group several times a week in addition to equestrian lessons and ballet."
"Oh." I can't think of anything better to say. "You decided on Mummy?" I ask her, and her face clouds over for several moments as if remembering something and then she nods.
"It wasn't intentional. I tried to stop her for the first year or so after you left. When we were certain we would be adopting her, I stopped trying."
"She knows you're her mom. She knows you're the one whose always been there for her." I say. My heart flooding with a mixture of emotions. I am happy that she is safe and healthy. I am sad for all the time I've missed. I feel ashamed for leaving her, for not being able to force myself to try harder for her. Meredith has sent me weekly emails and text messages. This started when she first took Oakley. I don't open them. It's just too hard. "Did you file the paperwork?" I ask her.
"I waited as long as I could, but they wouldn't allow me to register her to be homeschooled head start without an updated guardianship letter or a completed adoption, so the paperwork was filed a couple of years ago." She looks worried, but I smile.
"I'm glad. You were always the best thing for her."
"What are you doing here Addison?" She asks me.
"What do you mean? I'm here for work."
"Are you doing OK?" She asks me, gently. "It will be hard to avoid us, to avoid all of your old triggers if you are living and working here. I need to know that you're going to be OK."
"I'm fine." I insist.
"The girls are going to want to be around you, especially once Willow figures out it was you, I was talking to. Oakley seems to have taken to you."
"Things need to be taken slowly." I warn her. "I don't want the girls getting overly attached." I tell her. "I am only here for work. I won't be here long."
"You'll always be in their lives in one way or another. It would be nice for them to get to know you, in your own time, once you've settled in a bit."
"As Aunt Addison?" I ask her incredulously.
"Yes, of course." She responds, and I nod, letting her know I'll consider it.
"Willow seemed pretty lost in that book." I say, changing the subject.
"Both girls love to read. Willow is re-reading the Harry Potter series for what must be the hundredth time this year. She's on the Sorcerer's Stone again. She never gets bored of it and could probably quote the book word for word."
"What are you going to tell Oakley? What have you told Oakley? Does she know?" I ask, I don't want to turn the subject back to this, but it's gnawing at my heart.
"She just knows that you're Aunt Addison. I've shown her pictures. She has a few of you holding her when she was a baby on her wall in her room. Willow has some as well, but you look so different now, especially with the black hair. I guess she just didn't register you as the same person."
"That's great." I say, not sure what I was expecting. "I don't want her to know any different. Please Meredith."
"Are you upset?" Meredith asks me. "I was just trying to honor your wishes; you look so sad."
"No, Mere you did exactly what I asked. She's amazing."
"She's a copy paste clone of you, stubbornness and all."
"Did you really think she wouldn't be?" I ask with a little smile.
The Next Day
"IT IS YOU! AUNT ADDISON!" Willow shrieks. I turn around and look at her compassionately. "Oakley said you were here last night, but I didn't believe her."
"You're in a hospital. People are sleeping. I know you're excited, but I would appreciate it if you lowered your voice." I say, trying not to look too cross. I wonder if anyone ever watches these children? They seem to be everywhere all the time. Earlier Oakley was sitting in the cafeteria on her own eating breakfast when I went to get my cup of coffee and now little miss Harriett the Spy is sleuthing around the hospital. She followed me to the last three patients' rooms, hiding in the hallway before speaking to me. She hid in the nurse's station, behind an I V pole, and behind a potted plant.
'Do you know Meredith Grey's daughter is following you?' One of my laboring moms who had been walking the halls to try encouraging her body to progress more quickly had asked.
'She's my niece.' I explained and then in a whisper. 'Sh she thinks I can't see her.'
She seemed to be having such a time of it that I just continued on pretending I didn't see her until she finally spoke to me. It only seemed fair to give her space and let her come to me when she's ready. "Does your Mommy and Daddy know where you are?" I ask her.
"Oh, Mommy is operating right now. She has an appendectomy and then a whipple, so the coast is clear for a while. I don't know where Daddy is. He's probably making kissy kisses with the green haired intern in the supply closet again." She says, unenthused. We walk down the hallway together, and to the nurse's station where I pick up my charts so I can fill in the new information from rounding. "Mommy pretends she doesn't know, and everything's fine, but she knows. I gave the intern of the week the slip so I could explore and find you."
"What is the intern of the week?" I ask, ignoring the rest. I don't have any interest in her parent's sex life or marital problems. It's exactly like a child to run their mouth about things that should be kept private. I can't blame her though. The only reason I kept The Captain's affairs a secret is because he smashed me in the mouth when I was sick of the bullshit and threatened to tell Bizzy. Despite not wanting this knowledge having it induces pangs of guilt. Were these problems in their marriage caused by how often Meredith was gone helping take care of me? By the stress of a new baby?
"Mommy pays her interns to watch us when our teachers don't have us, on account of, we're nicer to the interns. We trade good behavior for medical knowledge." She says proudly. "I can already do stitches, give an I V , basic first aid, and CPR."
"Well, that's impressive."
"We used to have nannies, but they're all too afraid of ghosts." Willow says with a creepy little laugh.
"Ghosts?"
"Not real ghosts silly!" She smiles. "We just like to scare them so that we have more time with Mommy and Daddy. They think an entire family was murdered in our attic. I put the false story up on Facebook and it spread like wildfire across multiple platforms. Now anytime someone googles our address it comes up. It's easier to remember the story if you only have to come up with one."
"You did all that?" I ask her.
"Yep. I learned programing and photoshop when I was 8. It wasn't hard. All I had to do was make a fake news story and then put it on Facebook with a fake picture. It's not like people check credentials."
"That's not very nice." I say, possibly too harshly. These poor people, victims to such a little bratty child. I don't know how much she remembers about the time after Heavenly's death. I don't bring it up. Being back here already brings up more memories than I can possibly handle. We walk to one of the conference rooms, and I sit down, spreading the patient's charts in front of me. I've always hated charting. When I agreed to come back here it started out with just the one patient, but that only lasted yesterday. They begged me to come back full time, and I agreed, signing a six-month contract. If I am going to be here anyway, I might as well have something to keep me busy. I don't like sitting idly.
"Aunt Addison I don't like you very much." Willow announces.
"Oh?" I ask, looking up from the charts to her. "That's not really surprising, do you want to talk about it?" I ask her.
"You left us."
"I know."
"Why?" She demands.
"You should ask your Mommy." I tell her gently. "What has your Mommy said?"
"She said you got a job offer overseas."
"That's true. I did go overseas to work. I helped many women and their children."
"But that's not why you left?" She asks. She sounds like she has been trying to work this out in her mind for years. "Didn't you love us?"
"Yes, very much."
"Why did you leave then?" She asks, gentler this time, her emotional control beyond her years.
"Your Mommy and Daddy wouldn't want me discussing this with you." I tell her.
"Do we always have to do what they say?" She asks, and I sigh.
"We need to respect their wishes."
"What about my wishes?" She asks. I can hear the emotional control in her tone crackling. "I need the truth. Was it because I was bad?" she asks, her voice quivering.
"No, Willow it was nothing like that. What do you remember?" I ask her. "That was a long time ago, four whole years."
"I don't know." She says, getting visibly upset as she thinks. "One day you were here, and the next you weren't anymore. Mommy was so sad. She cried every day."
"I'm sorry." I say. "I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye." I hope she can tell how vulnerable, how sincere I am being in this moment. "When you were little, I was very sick. I had to leave to get better." Painfully I remember the alternate plan I had for that night. My choices were walk away or commit suicide. I chose to walk away. I did what I had to save my own life. It was selfish, and I see now that either choice I made would have impacted their lives. I should have stayed, done more counseling, and worked through it. I don't tell her this though. I just wait for her to respond. There's more to life than just that tiny dark world I was living in and I am so thankful to be able to see it now.
"I don't remember you being sick." She says. "We played with toys and baked cookies. You would read to me for hours. We'd move all the furniture and rollerblade through the house. We'd cuddle up under the soft blanket and watch movies in the theater room."
"I'm glad you don't remember."
"Are you better now? Did you have an operation?"
"It's not that kind of sickness sweetheart. I go to therapy and I take medication to help. I'd like to think I'm better, at least somewhat." I say with a little smile. I don't know if she understands. She looks so angry and sad. So frustrated. A look of realization flashes across her face when I say, 'therapy and medication.'
"Mommy makes me do those things too. I don't like the medicine." She drops her voice to a whisper. "I can't see Heavenly when I take it." My stomach lurches when she mentions Heavenly. I don't know what I was expecting, but it surely wasn't that.
"You remember Heavenly?" I ask her, gently. I'm shaking though and feel a sudden wave of nausea. I didn't expect her to remember Heavenly, or the time we spent together after Heavenly's death. How could she? She was only five. Their time together was so little, only four short years. I guess what they say is true. Trauma does leave a mark on you, even years after it's happened.
"Please don't tell Mommy I told you." She pleads "I'm not supposed to talk about that." She says, sadly. "I'll get into trouble. You're a safe person though? Right?"
"If your Mommy asked you not to speak about it, we shouldn't." I say. I don't want to be put in between Willow and her mother again. "I can't see her anymore either." I admit, trying to comfort her. "I think we're both just healing. Life goes on Willow. We get to move on now. We're no longer stuck in the shadows."
"Can you be my mommy?" She asks, and I look at her alarmed. "My mommy doesn't want a daughter who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and delusional psychosis. It ruins her illusion that we're the perfect family. At least she has Oakley." She grumbles. "Oakley is perfect."
"There is no such thing as perfection Willow, and your sister certainly isn't perfect. She just hasn't been through the same things as you've been through."
"Are you going to take Oakley back now?" She asks. "We had an adoption party for her and went to Disneyworld to celebrate. She didn't know what was going on, but she was happy to see the Princess's. We do everything together, sometimes she's annoying though." Her demeanor completely changes when speaking about Oakley. "She wanted to get out of French lessons yesterday and so she ATE my purple slime. It turned her vomit purple and everything, our teacher nearly passed out." She giggles at the last part.
"Sounds like the two of you make the perfect team, giving your parents headaches."
"We do, it's awesome." Willow says, smiling. My heart aches. I wonder what kind of mischief they would be getting into if it were Heavenly with her instead of Oakley. I smile sadly at her. Glad that I could at least give her this little bit of peace. I am sure she is a wonderful big sister to Oakley.
"I will never take her away from you. She will always be your baby sister. Do you understand Willow?" I ask her, and she nods, looking grateful. "When your parents took her for me it was forever."
"I'm glad." She says. "She's the best little sister ever!"
"I will buy you some more slime though, cause that's just gross." I say, feeling like I need to offer a compromise of sorts.
"Can you be our Nanny again too?" She asks.
"I don't know about that… I work here now."
"I promise we'll be good." She negotiates. "We won't even fill your purse with spiders or put dead mice in your bed. I don't mean always, just sometimes." She asks, and I shiver, as the realization hits me that she's done this to someone else. I don't even want to know where a child gets access to such things.
"Maybe." I respond. "Not right away. It will need to be arranged with your parents after I've had some time to settle in." I say, thinking about what Meredith had said the night before in the hospital lobby. 'They're going to want to be around you.' I don't know how to set boundaries. This wasn't my intention when I came here, but sometimes life has other plans for you.
"Can we talk more later?" She asks me. "I've missed you so much."
"Okay." I agree. "But only if you stop wandering the halls alone. You need to always let your intern know where you are in case there is an emergency."
"Fine." She mumbles, but she smiles big and throws herself into my arms, giving me a tight hug. "I've missed you." She repeats. I can feel the dampness of her tears soaking through my scrub top.
"I've missed you too Willow."
"Please don't ever leave me again Aunt Addison."
"You look exhausted." Meredith observes, sitting down next to me in the cafeteria and handing me a coffee. "Black with plain cream still your fave?" She asks.
"Thanks." I say. My head is pounding after my conversation with Willow. "Do you have any aspirin by chance?" I ask her. "I guess hotel beds just aren't what they used to be." She hands me a single serve aspirin packet from her pocket. I open it and take the pills. "Double thanks." I take a long drink, devouring the caffeine.
"Are you getting sick?" She asks
"Just a headache and jetlag I'm sure." I don't tell her about speaking with Willow. I don't want to cause her more stress in their relationship. "I get off in an hour though. Hopefully I can sleep it off." I feel some sort of way about her drugging her daughter in an attempt to make her 'normal' again, but it is not my place to judge. I don't know what happened with her after I left, and I need my daily medication as well. I don't know where I would be without it. I let my feelings go for now. Maybe what happened just hit the two of us harder than anyone else? Willow and Oakley both seem like great kids.
"Why don't you just go home?" She asks. "I didn't sell your house; it's still there waiting for you. I had our housekeeper come in bimonthly, so it hasn't fallen into disrepair from sitting empty."
"I told you to sell the house and use the money for the girls."
"I thought about it, but we didn't need the money and I was hoping one day you'd come home."
"I can't stay." I remind her.
"I didn't say anything about staying."
"Didn't you?"
"You took a job knowing there was at least a ninety-five percent chance we'd run into each other. You had to have been curious or wanting something. Out of all of the hospitals in New York you chose to take the job here, knowing Derek, Mark and I still work here."
"This hospital is the one that called needing my help."
"I'm not worried about it." She shrugs. "You'll tell me eventually."
"I am her very last chance Meredith. Was I supposed to let that mother lose her children?"
"No. Of course not. It's good you're helping her."
"If you don't want me here, if this is too much for you, I can go."
"You signed a full-time contract, please don't go."
"I don't want to hurt you, or the girls." I say, cautiously. The thing that has gone unsaid, that has played over and over again in my mind finally coming out of my mouth now that I am with someone safe. "What if leaving was a mistake?" She looks taken back at this but recovers with grace.
"You look healthy and strong. You don't look like you made a mistake Addison." She says, and I look away from her, trying my hardest to hide the tears forming in my eyes. "Would you have been able to get to the place you are now if you had stayed?"
"No." I admit. "I've just missed so much time."
"So, come home." She whispers, gently. She takes my brownstone key off of her keyring and hands it to me. "Your home is still waiting for you."
"I just don't want to do the wrong thing. What if coming home was a mistake?" I ask her, word vomit. "I just missed you and the girls so much."
"If it was a mistake, we'll work through it Addison. You're family. We want you home for as long as you want to be here. Take your house back, it misses you."
"I guess I am afraid of history repeating itself." I admit.
"Are you back because you regret putting Oakley up for adoption?" Meredith asks, her voice suddenly timid and vulnerable as the awareness that I may have ill motives crosses her mind.
"Seriously? That's where your mind went?" I ask her, and she looks like she's about to cry. I look at her compassionately. "No. Meredith. She's been your baby from the moment you took her from my house that day. Please don't worry about that. I will never take her from you. She has always been your baby."
"I just had to ask." She says, looking relieved. "I'm sorry. We tried to keep our distance from her, but the truth is we let ourselves fall in love with her. I've been so afraid that one day you'll realize what you're missing out on and change your mind."
"That's not why I'm here." I assure her. "You offered me the chance to stay in New York. You offered me the chance to be her Aunt and help raise them. That's what I'm missing. The regret I hold is not being here to see my beautiful little nieces grow up. I can never get that time back. I will never regret giving Oakley her best shot. She wouldn't have gotten that with me."
"We love her so much. It's like she was that piece to the puzzle we didn't know we were missing until we had her. She completed our family."
"I know." I say gently. Meredith hugs me close, and before she lets go, I say. "Thank you for loving her."
Authors Note:
THANK YOU for reading chapter 1 of Feels Like Home! Please review and let me know what you're thinking. Questions, comments, concerns.