Holding On & Letting Go
Chapter 1:
Summery: AU STORY: Addison deals with Mark's death after a freak airplane accident, and the guilt she has surrounding his death due to a secret Mark found out about right before he left, that she thought she had well hidden.
Authors Note / DISCLAIMER: This is an Alternate Reality story. Things do not happen the same way they do in the TV Series. In my story Addison and Mark have been married for 15 years. Addison and Mark have a 5-year-old son named Benjamin and at the time of the accident she is 25 weeks pregnant with his second child. Original character Clara who is Addison's friend since medical school and works for them as Benjamin's Nanny.
"I'm so sorry Addison." Richard says, meeting me as I walked into Mark's hospital room, and was greeted by the sight of my husband, laying lifeless on the bed, hooked up to a life support machine. "The damage from the plane crash was too extensive, we will re-assess after his body has had time to heal and recover." Richard explains sorrowfully.
"This isn't possible!" I object. "How could this happen? He was just awake. Just this morning he was eating breakfast, joking around with Jackson, and demanding I sneak our son into the ICU to see him."
"Addison, you know about the surge."
"What?" I ask.
"Sometimes fatally injured or deathly ill patients will get a last surge of strength, a gift from God to get their final affairs in order before yielding to their failing bodies."
"You're wrong Richard. He's fine. You'll see. He's strong he will pull through this." I squeeze Mark's hand, as if this small gesture will would be enough to breathe life into him, as if it would heal his wounds. As if it would cause him to wake up and come back to me, to our children. I was only gone for an hour. I had to go home and pick up Benjamin from our live in Nanny Clara. He is five years old but had poorly slept the night before and was still asleep when I got back home. When I returned to the ICU Mark was crashing. I stood frozen in the door, holding our small child. Watching the flurry of the doctors and nurses barking orders, attempting to bring him back. Eventually someone noticed I was there. They grabbed me and guided me to the waiting area. How am I supposed to look our son in the eyes and tell him his Daddy, his hero, is never coming home?
The baby inside of me does a flip flop, and I have to sit down as a wave of nausea overcomes me. I put my hand on the spot where the baby has settled and push down, in a rubbing motion trying to sooth. It moves again, and then stops seeming to have found a more comfortable position, calming. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl. I feel bad calling the poor thing 'it'. We didn't find out the gender for this little one like we did for Benjamin. Mark was so excited about the thought of it being a surprise, so we have been affectionately calling the baby 'it' or 'jellybean'. I am only 25 weeks. Mark will never get to know this baby.
"What does it matter if the baby is a girl or boy? We'll love it either way, right?" He had asked me, and then placed his head on my tummy and cooed to the baby. 'It doesn't matter to you does it? You are already loved more than you'll ever know and that is what matters.' I miss the warmth of his hands. The gentle caress of his voice. How the baby dances when it hears him and feels that warmth on my skin. The memory makes my heart ache.
"I need to go home Richard. My son, Benjamin needs me." I say carefully. "Call me if there is any change, but I…. I need a minute to think… I can't think right now." I had called Clara the minute we were ushered to the waiting area earlier to come and pick up Benjamin. She offered to stay with me, but I thought he might be more comfortable at home. Now all I want is to hold him close.
"You need to rest, take a few minutes to collect yourself. You've just received bad news and you're in shock. If your condition…." He looks down at the baby bump, which is already quite obvious. So different than with Benjamin. With Benjamin you could barely tell I was pregnant until around 34 weeks. I guess being five years older will do that to a person. I must have looked offended because he says, "I just mean…." He looks uncomfortable now.
"I'm fine Richard." I try and assure him, but how can I assure someone of something when I am feeling so unsure myself?
"You're not fine Addison. I've known you long enough to know that. Take a minute. Get yourself together, and then go home to your boy."
I call Clara and let her know I will be late, and then I do the responsible, adult think and call Derek's family. They were the closest thing Mark ever had to the feeling of a real family growing up. His mother and father are still alive, or at least no one has told us if they've died, but I have never met them, and he doesn't have their contact information.
Amelia finds me in the on-call-room, laying on the bed. My brain is numb. I don't remember walking to the on-call room. I don't remember taking my shoes off or laying on the bed. I don't know how long I've been here. When she says my name, I look up at her with tear filled eyes, catching a glimpse of myself in the shiny mirror attached to the wall opposite the bed.
"You OK?" She asks carefully.
"What do you think?"
"You're crying."
"Did you actually need something, or are you just here to grace me with your presence Madam Queen of Obvious Remarks?" I pull the pillow over my head, trying to pretend she isn't here.
"You can't give up on him." She says, and I look at her with confusion.
"I'm not." I say, but it's a lie. I read his charts. Richard hadn't told me everything. There were no signs of life on his neurological exam. He is clinically braindead, and the machines are breathing for him. He is already gone. He was gone the moment he coded this morning. By his advanced directive if there are no signs of recovery after thirty days he wanted to be let go.
"Science isn't always right Addison." She says, as if to comfort me.
"No, but you are and you're the treating physician." She is silent at this, just watching me. I throw the pillow at her hard. "GET OUT AMELIA JUST GET OUT!"
"Addison-"
"LEAVE!" I am crying harder now and must look particularly pathetic because she nods.
"Ok… I just want you to know that I am here, if you need me, no matter what." She says, before turning and leaving the room, leaving me to my grief.
*MEMORY*
(Re-imagined opening scene from Miss Congeniality)
Little Addison / Archer / Mark
I remember the day we met, well the day we officially met anyway. I had been watching him for weeks. The quiet boy, sitting in the corner of the room. He didn't speak in class much. Never spoke up to read aloud or to answer the teachers questions. I knew of him. His parents were some rich socialites who enrolled him in our school so they wouldn't have to deal with him two extra hours a day. He was what Bizzy called a 'Charity Case'. His parents were trash, and I was absolutely forbidden to talk to or associate myself with such filth. Somehow at 8 years old Bizzy's wrath seemed far more scary than the idea of not having the quiet boy as a friend.
The day we met Archer and I had slipped past our third Nanny of the month and taken our bikes to a local playground. I had never really been a fan of playgrounds. There were too many other children all moving at once, and it was too noisy. Archer wanted to go though, and he drug me along because he knew I would rat him out if he left me behind to deal with the latest Marry Poppins. I seriously am beginning to harshly judge my mothers ability to choose suitable childcare. I had settled under a tree with the latest Nancy Drew mystery, expecting I would be able to finish the book before Archer was ready to go home. That didn't happen though.
"My mother says you're trash!" I hear Archer say from across the playground. I look up to see him grabbing up the quiet boy and pushing him hard against the playground equipment. "You shouldn't be at our school; you should be at public school with the rest of your kind."
"Leave him alone Archer! He's nice he's in my class." I had walked over to them, leaning against the monkey bars, watching cautiously.
"This doesn't concern you, go read your book…. Dorkbrain. If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off for associating yourself with such filth. You dishonor the Montgomery name."
"Oh yeah?" I had asked him. "If you weren't a girl, I would beat face off for being such a bullying git!"
"Are you calling me a girl?"
"You called me one!"
Archer gritted his teeth, and attempted to punch me, but I move quickly, and he punches the pole of the playground equipment instead. I stomp his foot and punch him in the face. He falls to the ground holding his nose.
"I'm telling Bizzy!" He had shouted, and I knew I would be in trouble, but this time it's worth it. "Just because you dress like a boy doesn't mean you are one!" He took his bike in a huff, and left the playground, leaving me with the quiet boy. I look down at my outfit. Stollen from the 'charity box' that Bizzy had put together for those 'poor unfortunate children'. A red shirt, and a pair of jeans. She would never miss it and I can't PLAY in the stupid things she makes me wear. Little dresses and skirts with tights . Uncomfortable itchy shirts, and the school uniforms are a slight improvement but not much better. 'The Montgomery children do not wear 'ratty' clothes, and you most certainly will not wear jeans, they are for boys.' She had said, everytime I had asked for more sensible clothing for playing. 'Montgomery children do not 'play'.' Became the thing next most common thing she would drill into our heads. We must always be doing something purposeful.
"I'm Addison." I say. "I'm sorry about my brother. He's wrong. He's just jealous because you're quiet, and funny and smart, and girls like that."
"What girls?"
"Lots of girls…. I like you." I had said, a little shyly. I was an awkward child. The kind who had to wear glasses and wore her hair in two braids so it is out of her face anytime she could escape her mother's prying eyes. Bizzy always insisted I wear my hair down, and neatly combed. She used to fret herself to death when I would come home from school with knots, demanding the nanny make something of 'this horrible mess'.
"Well I don't like you…. Now everyone thinks I need a girl to fight for me, you really are a Dorkbrain!" He said harshly. I narrowed my eyes at him, pulled back my fist and punched him too, glaring as he laid on the ground. I hadn't quite gotten my impulse control issues in check yet. That wouldn't come until sometime much later.
"Sometimes you need a girl to fight for you, especially when you can't fight for yourself!"
*END MEMORY *
I walk in the door around 8pm. I left the on-call room and wandered the halls of the hospital until I was back at Mark's room. I held his hand. I talked to him for over an hour. I cried. I apologized. He only volunteered to take that flight because he was angry with me. He is scared of flying. He would have never been on that plane if it wasn't for…. Exhaustion is sinking in though, and I had climbed up in the bed next to him, careful of the machines, and fallen asleep, dreaming of his arms wrapped around me.
"I'm so sorry." I apologize "I know you were supposed to be off at six, I didn't realize I would be this late." Clara gives me a pitying look.
"No, don't worry about it. I completely understand. It's been a rough day. How's Mark doing?"
"No change from earlier. How's Benjamin doing?"
"He's scared, but that's understandable. I don't think he really understands what is going on. He wanted to wait up for you, but I put him down an hour ago, he was exhausted."
"Thank you, for everything you've done for us Clara, seriously. I mean it." I sit my purse down on the counter and sink down onto one of the barstools, eying the vodka. I won't drink though. Of course, the baby's health is more important than my need to self soothe, but I sigh all the same. At least I can fantasize.
"I used to do that too." Clara says, sitting down beside me.
"Do what?"
"Drink my troubles away. But something really weird happened." She offers.
"Oh yeah?" I ask.
"They never really did go away." She smiles at me sympathetically.
"We don't have to do the thing." I say.
"We can do anything you want. It's been a rough day."
"My husband walked in on us having sex in the bathtub, and now he's on life support. This whole situation is horrific beyond words." I say. "I don't know how to process any of this."
"I know how much you love him Addison. I never meant for any of this to happen."
"You can't blame yourself we've been in a relationship for seven and a half years, you're like a narcotic, addictive and impossible to quit."
"I don't want things to be awkward between us."
"Well I guess that's good that you're so attached because I've already lost Mark. I can't lose you too, and Benjamin would be shattered if you left."
"We can press pause or take things slowly. Whatever you need." She suggests. "I want to do this right. I want you to have the time you need."
"Ok." I agree sadly. "But let's talk more about this later. I think I am going to turn in for the night. I'm exhausted."
She hugs me and I walk slowly up the stairs. Shivering the way, they creek with each step. How had I never noticed this before? The house that once felt on the verge of too small with three adults and a child suddenly feels too big, too empty without Mark here. Each step feels like a mile, and I am exhausted beyond what seems reasonable when I reach the top. I walk into Benjamins room and lay down next to him on his twin sized bed. Pulling him close to me. He cuddles against my warmth, and I watch his chest rise and fall peacefully. A sign of deep, untroubled sleep. He doesn't know the severity of what's going on. He repositions snuggling even closer, and despite my racing mind I let myself fall into a fitful slumber.
I wake to my phone ringing the next morning at 3am. My heart races, automatically assuming the worse. The phone scares Benjamin awake, and he begins to cry. "Shhh, Bubby it's OK." I soothe, picking him up and holding him close to me, rocking him like I used to do when he was a toddler.
"NO! Mommy why is your phone in my room?" He demands, trying to pull it rom my hands. "The sun is not even awake yet!" He complains.
"STOP!" I say, a little too harshly. He looks at me and sticks his bottom lip out.
"YOU ARE SO MEAN!" He screams. "You're the one who woke me up the middle of the night!" He crawls onto the other side of the bed, grabbing his baby dolly, and glaring at me. Real tears spilling from his eyes as I push the green 'talk' button to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I ask, annoyed, not quite fully awake yet.
"Addison?" Arizona asks.
"You don't know who you called?" I ask frustrated.
"You sound weird."
"Yes, well it is 3am, I am twenty-five weeks pregnant, still having all day sickness, mother to a small child, employed full time and oh yes, my husband is on life support dying. If you could get to the point, I'd really appreciate it. I've had a rough couple of days."
"I'm sorry Addison, I didn't want to call you, I know you've been having a hard time with everything going on -" She goes silent for a minute.
"The point?" I remind her. "It must be pretty important to call me at 3am."
"Mrs. Espizoaeibella is back. She is presenting with preterm labor secondary to pre-eclampsia." Her voice is crackling, she sounds like she is about to cry. Was I really that mean?
"You can handle this Arizona. You don't need me; you know what to do."
"Yes, but I'm not OB."
"You are acting OB until the chief can find a replacement."
"You're not quitting." She asks panicked.
"No, just taking this time off to be with Mark and then some time for…" I start, but I can't say it. We all know he is going to die, but my heart and my brain are conflicting. Everytime I see him 'breathing', even though I know it is the machines. "and then I'm signing out on Maternity leave." I remind her.
"She's your patient and she's asking for you."
"I'm on emergency leave, and Clara doesn't take over for another…." I look at my watch, as if I don't already know what time it is. "Five hours."
"I wouldn't have called if there were any other options Addison. Plus, everyone here loves Benjie. It's a shame he doesn't get to visit as much as he used to, we really miss him around here." She says cheerfully, and I really want to punch her in the face for being so cheerful this early in the morning. I wonder how many cups of coffee she's had? Does she ever sleep?
"If I thought I was safe to practice medicine I wouldn't have taken emergency leave. God knows I need something to distract me."
"Talking isn't practicing medicine. She's scared, and she doesn't know me like she knows you. I haven't been here with her through her pregnancies like you have. I'll look after Benjie myself if that makes you feel better, he can do rounds with me. Are you worried because of what's happening with Mark?" She asks. I nod, but then realize she can't see me through the phone and say.
"Yeah, there is nothing I can do to help him."
"That may be true, I'm not sure, but Addison?"
"Yes?"
"You can help Samantha. You can be the difference between her having a baby today or her losing one. You can show her grace, even in the midst of your heartache."
"I don't know how Arizona."
"Well it's a good thing you're skilled at figuring things out Isn't it?" She asks, and with that, without even confirming I would come to the hospital, she hangs up the phone.
Clara comes into the bathroom as I am wrapped around the toilet, vomiting. She kneels down next to me and holds my hair back until the vomiting has subsided. She hands me a wet cloth and I wipe my eyes, from the vomit induced tears, and then my mouth.
"Are you ok?" She asks.
"I'm sorry did I wake you?" I ask. I was trying to be quiet, but unfortunately morning sickness isn't the quietest of tasks.
"What are you doing up at this hour? I mean, aside from the obvious?" She asks, too kind to state the evident that yes, I did wake her up.
"I was called to the hospital on an emergency consult. Arizona is having a hard time with one of my patients, and the patient is in preterm labor." I stand up shakily and brush my teeth.
"You need to rest, or you will be the one in preterm labor."
"I'm fine."
"What time did you get to sleep?" She asks, watching as I take a double dose of anti-nausea medication and wash my face, so I look slightly less dead. I just can't with make-up.
"I don't know. I slept for a little while, but I was up researching, trying to find a way to help Mark." I brush my hair, but leave it down, unstyled. I don't have the energy for things that require effort.
"Did you find anything?" She asks, but Benjamin comes into the bathroom then and attaches himself to my leg and starts crying again.
"Please don't go Mommy!" I kneel down to his level. I am so tired, I would like nothing more than to crawl back into bed with him and leave this problem for tomorrow, but I can't.
"I'm sorry baby. I have to go to work. A patient needs Mommy's help."
"A patient always needs your help!" He cries. "What about when I need your help?"
"Benjie…." I say his name warningly. I am too exhausted for this. My patience too thin.
"I hate you!" He screams. "You're not my real mommy anyway!" He accuses. "Clara is my real mommy more than you! Clara's always here, you and daddy are never home!"
"Benjamin!" Clara exclaims. "You will not speak to your mother that way!"
"Its true though." He is crying so hard now I can barley understand him. She had picked him up and was holding him to her chest, trying to calm him. "Who is here when I wake up in the morning? Who tucks me in at night? Who feeds me and plays with me? Who takes care of me and makes me feel better when I am sick or have a boo boo? Who teaches me new things? That's what a mommy is supposed to do, and it's you! It's always been you! My whole life!"
"I have to go." I say numbly, pushing past them both. I am biting my tongue so hard it I can the coppery flavor of blood in my mouth. I don't want to say something I will regret.
"Addison wait-!" Clara calls after me, she hugs Benjamin tightly before telling him to go back to his room, and she'll be right there to tuck him back in. I hear his sobs and his little feet stomping off to his bedroom. His door slamming hard. She catches me by my arm at the stair landing. I try to pull away, almost losing my balance and falling, but her grip on me is too strong, she pulls me closer to her, away from the stairs.
"Let me go." I demand.
"No. Not until you've calmed down. I'm not letting you drive like this."
"I'm calm now let me go."
"Really? Because you don't look very calm."
"Oh? What gave you that impression?"
"He doesn't mean it Addison. He's had a hard couple of days. He's just a kid I doubt he even knows the significance of what he is saying."
"I'm fine. Clara, just forget about it."
"Liar. You look like you are just waiting for me to let you go so you can intentionally wrap your car around a telephone pole." Our faces are so close I can smell the coffee she's already had. It didn't occur to me that she may have been up, unable to sleep as well. I should have went to her room, done something, been there for her. We were all close friend throughout medical school and that didn't stop when Mark and I got married. She is holding me too tight. She's trembling.
"Clara you have to let me go; they need me at the hospital. It's an emergency."
"Arizona is more than capable."
"When I left her caseload tripled." I try to move past her, but she stops me. "Clara you're scaring me. What's really going on?" I ask, realizing that she is trying to make whatever this is about me, but it's not, and it probably never was. She doesn't say anything for a long moment, so I text Arizona, letting her know I am still caught up with morning sickness, but to start treatment, and tell Samantha I will be there as soon as the medicine kicks in, and I am safe to drive.
"The look in your eyes terrifies me." Clara says softly.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I use the app on my phone to check the baby monitor. Benjamin has cried himself to sleep. I slump down the wall and sit on the floor as the mom guilt overwhelms me. Clara sits down beside me, resting her head on my chest. I miss this, just being close to her. We haven't been close since that night.
"They're dark, empty." She tries to explain. "The night Mark walked in on us a darkness took over, and it scares me. I can't see the light in your eyes anymore." I didn't mean to push her away, that was never my intention, we've just, kept our distance.
"I'm fine. Clara. You don't have to worry about me." It's not exactly true. Who would be fine in my situation? She doesn't need to know the details though. I don't need to burden her with how heavily everything from the last week has weighed on me.
"Stop saying that." She's panicking, her breathing is too fast and she's crying. I am confused now as to what's happening.
"Ok, so what do you want me to say?" I ask her forcing myself to laugh a little. It feels strange, to laugh when all I want to do is cry until I drown in a pool of my own tears. "I can't help if I don't know what the problem is." That may have been a little bitchier than I intended it to be. She sits up and moves a bit away from me.
"I don't know." She mummers forcing herself to breathe slowly. "When Benjamin said what he said you just…. you looked like if you could have died right then you would have." Noted. I am shit at masking my facial expressions at 4 in the morning after almost no fucking sleep.
"I'm not suicidal." I say, and she narrows her eyes at me. I don't know what it is that I've done to make her so distrustful. "Clara look at me."
"I know you too well Addison." She says, shaking her head.
"OK, so come with me. We can get Benjamin ready. You and Benjie can visit Mark or wait in the waiting room while I do the consult and then we can go get breakfast and ride the fairy." I offer, the way she is looking at me makes my heart hurt.
"OK." She agrees. "Just give me a minute." She stands up, and goes into her bedroom, to get dressed, and I follow her.
"Clara why are you so scared of the darkness? Sometimes you have to go through the darkness before you can experience the light." She comes out of the walk-in closet, dressed in a sensible outfit, hair brushed, purse on her shoulder. She sighs, as if she is just done with everything today, and then shakes her head at me.
"Do you really want to know?" She asks.
"Of course, if it will help you." I say, not knowing what I'm getting myself into.
"Do you remember when Mark cheated on you? The first time?" She asks me.
"I caught him in the on-call room with Charlena." I say, I struggle to evoke what happened after that. It was eight years ago. "There was an accident." I remember waking up in the hospital and being told I had been in a medically induced coma for several weeks.
"Yes." She confirms.
"What does this have to do with anything?" I ask her.
"Because, you had that same look, that same darkness in your eyes that day when you told me you were fine, then left the hospital and drove your car off a fucking bridge." She sucks in a deep breath, and looks remorseful, like she's told some deep dark secret.
"That never happened. A car hit me and…."
"No baby…"
"There were some memory issues when you woke up. You were very open to suggestion. Mark didn't want to burden you with the truth, so he simplified it. You were in a car accident, your car went off the bridge, you hit your head and you almost drowned, all the truth, he just left out the intent."
"That's not possible there would have been police reports and …"
"You got a ticket for reckless driving and speeding. Mark paid it, he just never told you, and they drop off after three years. He paid for the bridge repair, and your hospital bills in cash so insurance was never involved."
"Why are you just now telling me this?"
"I don't want another "accident" to happen Addison, I haven't seen darkness like this in you since that day all those years ago. You just- scared me. I'm sorry, I know you have to get to work. I just - I need you to fight this. You might not even recognize it right now, but I can see it in you, and it's terrifying."
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading chapter 1 of Holding On & Letting Go! It has been playing on my mind for a long while, and so I finally wrote it out . It is interesting to see things play out in ways they wouldn't have originally played out in the show. Please take second to review and let me know what you think. Likes? Dislikes? Questions? Comments? Concerns?. I am so in love with this story. It's something just ever so slightly different which is fun and interesting to me. It doesn't provide the same stress relief, so I will still be updating my other stories, but I am so excited for this one.